You might be a liberal if. . .
Stephen Babcock
For more political commentary and stuff visit
http://www2.linknet.net/babcock/begin.html
What is a liberal?
In election years, they're particularly hard to find. Even the president
and first lady-who do the PC tango to the tune of "Blowin' in the
Wind"-shun the label.
Last week, Hillary guru and retro-New Leftist Michael Lerner held a Summit
on Ethics and Meaning in D.C. Among other exotic proposals, the 1,300
delegates endorsed forcing businesses to give parents a year of paid leave
and replacing college SATs with "empathy training."
Weird though they are, these people at least know what they are. Many of
the afflicted are ignorant of their condition. For these unfortunates, I
offer a handy guide to political self-identification.
You know you're a liberal if:
You think sexual harassment is rampant, date rape pervasive, domestic
violence common and Paula Jones is lying.
You hate Hillary jokes.
You pale at the execution of child killers, but defend the killing of
unborn children as an expression of choice.
You think trees have feelings, animals can conceptualize and the fetus is a
blob of protoplasm.
You are convinced that Frank Capra films and Norman Rockwell paintings are
lies and distortions but "Platoon," "Dances with Wolves" and "Thelma and
Louise" are realistic.
You thought Walt Disney was saccharine sweet and terminally cutesy-pie -
until it made "Pocahontas."
You think a moment of silent prayer at the beginning of the school day
constitutes government indoctrination and an intrusion on parental
authority, while sex education, condom distribution and multiculturalism
are values-neutral.
You agonize over threats to the natural environment (acid rain, toxic
waste) but are oblivious to threats to the social environment (pornography,
promiscuity, and family dissolution).
You want to legalize cocaine and outlaw handguns. You think cops are pigs
and criminals are products of their environment.
You believe the National Rifle Association helps criminals while the
American Civil Liberties Union protects the innocent.
You think Rush Limbaugh is responsible for the Oklahoma City bombing but
are outraged by suggestions that Ted Kaczynski (the suspected Unabomber)
and Al Gore have anything in common.
Jesse Jackson makes sense to you. Barbra Streisand makes even more sense.
You think Herblock cartoons are funny and Janet Reno is totally hot.
You believe corporate profits are obscene but government spending is too
low and the American people are undertaxed.
You think deficits are caused by tax loopholes.
You think marriage is obsolete - except for homosexuals.
You believe homosexuality is genetically determined, but fascism and spouse
abuse aren't.
You think AIDS is spread by insufficient funding.
You consider the Catholic bishops noble and idealistic when they oppose
capital punishment and welfare cuts but dangerous fanatics trying to
legislate their theology when they defend the right to life.
You are convinced that proponents of welfare reform hate the poor and
opponents of affirmative action hate minorities, but AIDS activists who
bash the Pope and People for the American Way types who go psycho over
Protestant "fundamentalists" are guardians of democracy.
You attribute every minority problem to entrenched, institutional racism
and the legacies of slavery and segregation.
You think the black middle class is a myth created by Newt Gingrich.
You view race riots as justifiable expressions of rage over injustice and
fail to see the similarities between a black mob burning a Korean store and
a white mob in the Jim Crow era lynching a black man.
You don't understand all of the whining about affirmative action and are
more than willing to sacrifice someone else's employment or education
opportunity to assuage your guilt.
You marched against American involvement in Vietnam, thought the Gulf war
was unnecessary but believe 25,000 U.S. troops in Bosnia are vital to our
national interests.
You see no correlation between welfare and the rise of illegitimacy,
judicial leniency and surging crime rates, or addiction and an
entertainment industry that glorifies drug abuse. But you believe Richard
Nixon is responsible for everything horrible that's happened in the past
quarter-century.
You think those child-abusing, religious fanatics at Waco had it coming but
the illegal immigrants roughed up by California deputies - afterleading
them on a high-speed chase - are the victims of the decade.
Lastly, you're a liberal if - you don't get the point of this damn post.
Stephen,
Harold Key
In article <01bbd34d$9e4e6160$7148...@ns.linknet.net> "Stephen Babcock" <bab...@linknet.net> writes:
>From: "Stephen Babcock" <bab...@linknet.net>
>Subject: You might be a liberal if. . .
>Date: Fri, 15 Nov 1996 23:36:58 GMT
>What is a liberal?
>Stephen,
Stephen: This is a masterpiece. Hang in there.
HKey
Cary Renquist
Well yes, then I guess I am a liberal.
Too think, all these years I thought that I was an ultra-liberal, and
now I find out that I am a mere common liberal -- please follow-up with
an ultra-liberal guide.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid
people are conservatives.
Cary Renquist cren...@goldengate.net
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
In message
<01bbd34d$9e4e6160$7148...@ns.linknet.net> - "Stephen Babcock" <bab...@linknet.net> writes:
:>
:>For more political commentary and stuff visit
:>
:>
Austin George Loomis
In article <b107cc$12e2...@news.goldengate.net>,
Cary Renquist <cren...@goldengate.net> wrote:
>
>Well yes, then I guess I am a liberal.
>Too think, all these years I thought that I was an ultra-liberal, and
>now I find out that I am a mere common liberal -- please follow-up with
>an ultra-liberal guide.
>
didn't crosspost it widely enough. But what's a lead pipe *for* if you don't
sink it into as many skulls as possible?
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alt.politics.scorched-earth #962 (4 + 5 more)
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From: ST10...@brownvm.brown.edu (Jake)
Newsgroups: alt.politics.scorched-earth
Subject: Re: You might be a liberal if. . .
Date: Sat, 16 Nov 1996 16:14:33 EST
Organization: Brown University - Providence, Rhode Island USA
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Message-ID: <56lase$2...@cocoa.brown.edu>
References: <01bbd34d$9e4e6160$7148...@ns.linknet.net>
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We of the Scorched Earth Party refuse to be left out. Now that there's
a spotter's guide for liberals, we're getting into the act too.
Submitted for your approval:
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MEMBER OF THE SCORCHED EARTH PARTY IF...
You think that guns may be cute but lead pipes are forever.
You love the sin but hate the sinner.
You favor the mandatory execution of everyone who offends you, but feel
that every man and woman should be forced to carry at least one child
to term every year.
You think that trees have feelings, animals can conceptualize, and
often find yourself laughing with glee as you wipe the hamburger juice
off of your chin with your paper napkin.
You are convinced that Frank Capra and Norman Rockwell would have been
a lot cooler if they made better use of flesh wounds.
You thought Walt Disney was saccharine sweet and terminally cutesy-pie -
until you bludgeoned all of Disney's employees to death and spat on the
old man's grave.
You feel that the school day should begin with ten minutes of free-for-
all combat and end with 23 5/6 hours of free-for-all combat.
You agonize over how you can best threaten the natural environment (acid
rain, toxic waste) and are a big fan of threats to the social environment
(pornography, promiscuity, and family dissolution).
You think that cocaine and handguns are for wimps.
You think Rush Limbaugh is responsible for the Oklahoma City bombing and
feel very jealous about it.
To you, Jeff Vogel is the epitome of saneness--even saner than G. Gordan
Liddy.
You thought Akira was funny and Janet Reno is totally hot.
You think that the world's money by right belongs to you, and you will
fight to defend it.
You think deficits are caused by unarmed tax collectors.
You think that marriage is obsolete, but extra-marital affairs are the
wave of the future.
Lastly, you're a member of the Scorched Earth Party if you get the point
of this post.
-jwgh
Titles of Norman Rockwell pictures comissioned by the SEP:
"Johnnie's First Beheading."
"A Visit to the Embalmer's."
"Her Last Moment on Earth."
"A Boy and his Entrails."
[. . .]
--------------------
"You know," said Windle, "it's a wonderful afterlife."
- (Terry Pratchett, Reaper Man)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Get the picture?
If I can keep my gorge down, I'll do a "You might be a conservative if..."
post sometime.
Austin George "Mind you, that's a pretty fucking humendous If" Loomis