THE FEDERALIST(r) DIGEST - Our Constitution assigns Congress "power establish an uniform rule of naturalization"

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Jul 21, 2001, 12:04:11 AM7/21/01
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20 July 2001
Federalist #01-29 Friday Digest

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"Think of your forefathers! Think of your posterity!" --John Quincy


In the news this week, President Bush is back in Europe preparing for
the G-8 summit, where he will continue to defend his rejection of the
Kyoto (global warming ruse) Protocol and his support for missile
defense -- both positions enthusiastically supported by The

Bidding Mr. Bush farewell, Senate Plurality Leader Tom "Thumb" Daschle
said, "I think we are isolating ourselves, and in so isolating
ourselves, I think we're minimizing ourselves." He added, "I don't
think we are taken as seriously today as we were a few years ago." His
comments earned him this week's "Donkey-Derričre" Award.

Memo to Tom: Wonder why the United States is not taken seriously
anymore. The Soviets and Chinese took Reagan seriously. Saddam took
Bush(41) seriously. As for Clinton.... Let's just say it will take
years to recover from the domestic and foreign debacles created by
Clinton and his cadre of Leftpinkies -- that's you, Tom!

Mr. Bush departed U.S. shores shortly after his administration
"leaked" plans that a panel headed by Attorney General John Ashcroft
and Secretary of State Colin L. Powell has been formed to recommend
whether or not the President should give immunity to the estimated 5-7
million illegal immigrants from Mexico.

Regarding the status of the 6 million illegal immigrants from other
nations, the Donkey-Derričre mentioned above insisted that Mr. Bush
"not only limit it to Mexican immigrants but broaden it to other
countries as well [including] Salvadorans, Guatemalans, Nicaraguans,
Hondurans, Haitians."

"Immigration is not a problem to be solved," Mr. Bush commented in a
speech announcing changes in INS procedures to expedite immigration
applications. And in a speech to the National Council of La Raza in
Milwaukee, Presidente Vicente Fox called for legal status for illegal
immigrants from Mexico living and working in the United States,
declaring, "Consistent with U.S. history and traditions, there should
be a clear and consistent path to legal residence for those migrants
who want, and are otherwise eligible, to do so." (Break out your
pocketbooks; the FICA confiscated from your wages is about to double.)

"No tan rapido, senores!" Our Constitution assigns Congress "power ...
to establish an uniform rule of naturalization," and it's an
especially egregious usurpation for the executive branch to violate
this particular point of separation of powers.

The United States is indeed a nation of immigrants who came to be
Americans. However, the legitimate purpose of entry into this country
for a lengthy stay is "naturalization" leading to citizenship -- not
the "regularization" (AKA amnesty) being floated as an addition to
that under the Bush task force's proposals. The only consideration
Congress should invoke in setting that "uniform rule of
naturalization" is citizenship in this country, with undivided
allegiance to our nation. Providing a pool of laborers for specific
industries must be a subordinate consideration to that of citizenship.

Materialistic analysts get this wrong, as they view entry slots (as in
the H-1B visa program) as legitimate fodder to exchange with
politicians for campaign dollars and support, and "guest-worker"
programs would similarly be inappropriate as a consideration;
particularly so, as such programs invariably increase rather than
decrease levels of illegal immigration.

Illegal immigration is a serious form of trespass and theft --
obviously so for U.S. property owners along the border, but also for
U.S. residents generally, by eroding opportunities and benefits to
citizens already here legally, and whose labor and taxes created those
"national, state and local community assets" in the first place. The
Federalist's recommended approach: Our laws should be enforced and our
border secure; a nation that doesn't take its borders seriously really
isn't a nation at all.

Quote of the week...

>From the "Hispandering" File: "The president, who never misses an
opportunity to demonstrate that his Spanish is better than his English
and who only last month ordered the Navy and Marines off their bombing
range in Puerto Rico, is trying now to figure out a way to grant legal
status to millions of illegal Mexicans without countenancing contempt
for the law. ...George W., perhaps with an excess of conservative
compassion, is unwilling to risk inviting new immigrants here on terms
that would be fair to everyone, new immigrants most of all. He could
begin by insisting that illegal Mexicans obey the law and learn the
language as a condition of staying. By encouraging them to adhere to
old-country customs and language, however much fun it may be to show
off border-bordello linguistic skills, he dooms them to lonely
isolation with scant hope of climbing out of a miserable ghetto of
penury and cultural poverty. Such is the price of the pander."
--Wesley Pruden

Open query...

"As the global government trend intensifies, the conflicts between
internationalism and sovereign constitutional government will only
increase. ...UN supporters like to ridicule the notion that the UN
represents the beginning of one-world government, but what other label
can be applied to an organization that seeks global laws, global
courts, centralized legislative power, and a worldwide army?" --Rep.
Ron Paul

The BIG lie...

"The gun lobby has been talking for 40 minutes. During that time, 40
people have died from the use of small arms and light weapons in this
country. That further proof that this country is at war."
--"Million Mom March" spokeswoman Mary Leigh Blek criticizing the "gun
lobby" defense of Americans' Second Amendment rights in testimony
concerning the UN's conference on restricting "small arms."
**Apparently Ms. Blek used the same calculator to count gun-related
deaths as she does to count Million Mom marchers. Total gun-related
deaths in the U.S. average 35,000 annually -- not one-per-minute
(525,000), as Ms. Blek insists. Of those, about 50% are drug and gang
related and 30% are suicides.

News from the swamp...

On the Hill, Rep. Bob Barr, a member of the United States delegation
to the United Nations Small Arms Conference, noted his strong
opposition to the UN's proposal to limit legal possession and transfer
of lawful small arms. "Despite strong opposition from a number of
concerned parties, including the U.S. government, the UN appears to be
moving forward with a program of action that is both seriously
defective and unacceptable in a number of areas [including] greatly
expanded record keeping by the federal government, far beyond that
allowed or required under current U.S. domestic law."

Speaking of record keeping, in further evidence that gun-control is a
losing issue for the Left, the House voted 268-161 to back Attorney
General John Ashcroft's plan to reduce the 90 day period the central
government currently maintains gun purchase records -- to 24 hours.

The Brady Bunch had enlisted the support of perennial gun-control
commissar, Demo Rep. James Moran, to advocate keeping the 90 day
provision in the infamous Brady Bill.

Understandable why Moran would want to restrict gun ownership. Earlier
this year, after neighbors reported screams coming from his
fashionable Del Rey home in Alexandria, Virginia, police officers
showed up to intervene in a dispute between this thug and his wife,
Mary. The next day, she filed for divorce, saying that Moran had a
long history of physically abusing her. (Wouldn't want abused
congressional wives -- or interns for that matter -- to have a handy
means of self-defense!)

As previously noted in The Federalist, keeping gun purchase records in
central government data bases for 24 hours is still 24 hours too long.
To that end, Colorado Rep. Joel Hefley's bill (H.R. 1460) requires
"immediate destruction" of any and all information that might help
identify lawful gun buyers. We support H.R. 1460 and Ron Paul's Second
Amendment Protection Act (H.R. 1762), which cleans up the rest of the
Brady Bull.

In other news, Mr. Bush's Faith-Based Initiatives bill, the Community
Solutions Act (H.R. 7), passed, 233-198, after being stalled while
homosexual activists in Congress attempted to exclude Title VII of the
1964 Civil Rights Act protection for faith-based service providers --
which would have forced such organizations receiving central
government funding to hire those who do not conform to their faiths'
moral views. (Those proposed "anti-discrimination" amendments were all
defeated prior to the bill's passage.)

Now, it's on to the Senate, where Demo-gogue Daschle predicts, "I
can't imagine that we could pass any bill that would tolerate slipping
back into a level of tolerance that would be unacceptable in today's
society." Daschle will not bring the up for a vote until next year.

Additionally, the House, in a vote of 424-6, laughed off Red China's
request for a million dollars compensation after "hosting" a Navy
surveillance plane forced to land in China after an overzealous Red
Baron collided with the lumbering EC-3. Majority Whip Tom DeLay noted
of this "deluded daydream of a despotic regime" that "the brazen
audacity of some demands can almost take on a kind of comic grandeur."

Republican Sen. Bill Frist, a heart surgeon, became the latest
"pro-life" member of Congress to announce his support for taxpayer
support of embryonic stem-cell research. "I am pro-life," Frist said,
but "as a physician, my sole purpose has been to preserve and improve
the quality of life." He did not bother to say when he thinks life

Biochemists, physicians and other scientists claim that if Congress
declines to fund embryonic stem-cell research, it will not prevent
further research. (Maybe, but it will prevent the confiscation of
conservatives' income to fund this affront to life created in the
image of God!)

Legislation still in the wings: Mr. Bush's so-called "Education
Reform" Bill is still in debate -- as Leftists attempt to pad
additional provisions to shore up the NEA's control over the worldview
of the next generation of voters.

The Sociocrats...

>From the "Shyster Sharpton" Files, Rev. Al announced he will sue the
U.S. Navy for $1 million, claiming maltreatment after his arrest at
the Vieques bombing range. Sharpton claims he was strip-searched,
handcuffed for more than four hours, and ordered to lie down near
motor vehicles, where he inhaled "pollution and fumes." (Surely the
agent charged with strip-searching Sharpton could sue him for "post
traumatic strip disorder.") Sharpton is completing his 90-day prison
sentence in a Brooklyn detention center.

>From the National Socialist Workers Party, U.S. District Judge Gladys
Kessler issued an injunction blocking the release of the Federal
Election Commission's report on its investigation of financial
shenanigans between the Democratic National Committee and the AFL-CIO.
Associated Press' reporter Larry Margasak, says he has seen the report
and notes, "While labor's support of Democrats is well known, the
documents show
labor leaders had veto power over Democratic Party plans in 1996 by
virtue of their large
donations and seats on the steering committees in each state."

Judicial Benchmarks...

In the halls of justice on the right, Attorney General John Ashcroft,
fresh from his assault on the Brady Bill, is having the Justice
Department draft a finding to codify the Second Amendment's
establishment of an "individual" right to possess arms -- as clearly
intended by our Founders -- as opposed to the Leftjudiciary's more
recent interpretation of a "collective" right to bear arms.

The Commissars...

>From the "Bolshoi Bureaucracy" Files, it's too late for Oregon's
Klamath Basin farmers to get crops underway, after the government cut
off their annual water supply, claiming sucker fish habitat might
suffer. However, consistent with the "law of unintended consequences,"
it now appears that California's Tulelake Wildlife Refuge will suffer
from the irrigation shutoff, and biologists for the area now estimate
that up to a thousand American Bald Eagles and 25,000 waterfowl will
perish due to disease and starvation.

>From the "Bureaucrooks" Files, a report from FBI officials has
outlined a list of 183 laptops, 449 weapons including submachine guns,
and at least one laptop containing classified information that (are
you ready?) have been lost or stolen. "To have laptops missing that
could have national security information on them would be atrocious,"
said Sen. Charles Grassley, R-Iowa, a longtime FBI critic. "For the
FBI to have lost firearms and failed to account for them is

Memo to the FBI: Check in secret bunker under Robert Hanssen's back

Regarding your IRS overpayment...

>From the "Confiscated Income" files, "Members of the House and the
Senate -- Republicans and Democrats -- have tagged little projects for
their home districts and their home states which about total $280
BILLION dollars. That's a two and an eight followed by 10 zeros. The
2000 census puts the US population at about 280 million. That comes to
$1,000 for every single person in the country. If the Congress has
found an additional thousand dollars per person to spend, why isn't
there an additional thousand dollars per person available for an
IMMEDIATE tax cut?" --Rich Galen

>From the department of military readiness...

The Pentagon scored a direct hit last Saturday when an ICBM missile
defense interceptor from the tiny Pacific island of Kwajalein
destroyed a modified Minuteman II intercontinental-range missile
equipped with a mock warhead launched 21 minutes earlier, 4,800 miles
away at Vandenberg Air Force Base, California.

Commenting on the success, Heritage Foundation's Baker Spring said,
"The most formidable barriers to deployment of missile defense are not
technological, but rather the policy decisions of the past eight
years. A lack of political will, a failure of leadership, a
destructive arms control policy, an overly bureaucratic acquisitions
and management process, and a failure to pay attention to the
seriousness of the missile threat have seriously obstructed progress."

Speaking of "hits," a recent study reveals that "substance abuse
appears to be on the increase in the military." The report references
an Air Force memo indicating courts martial on drug charges have
spiked 21% percent in the last 12 months. Apparently some airmen have
taken the motto "Aim high" a bit too literally.

>From the states...

In the People's Republic of California, the Assembly's Education
Committee recently passed twin bills designed to further the
homosexual assault on families and traditional values. Randy
Thomasson, director of Campaign for California Families queries, "What
parent wants her daughter to be in a steamy locker room, undressing
alongside someone who is sexually attracted to her? What parent wants
his son to be influenced by a transsexual role model?" The first bill
to pass committee muster, SB 225, forces both government and private
schools to adopt "non-discrimination policies that support 'sexual
orientation,' or face the prospect of being banned from the California
Interscholastic Federation. The second bill, SB 257, would make it
illegal for any student or teacher in a California school to say
anything opposing homosexuality."

In the wake of Tennesseans' successful protest against an income tax
last week, of note is the fact that RINO Gov. Don Sundquist's proposed
budget would have exceeded constitutionally mandated spending limits
by $600 million. (Apparently Sundquist learned something about
spending during his tenure as a member of Congress.) Though Sundquist
claims there is nothing else to be cut from the state's budget, the
National Governors Association's Fiscal Survey of States reports that
in the most recent year, Tennessee's spending grew 9.7% -- the second
fastest growth rate Southeastern states, which averaged 6.4% growth.

A U.S. District Court judge in Massachusetts will conduct an open
hearing concerning the North American Man-Boy Love Association
liability in a wrongful death lawsuit filed by the parents of
10-year-old Jeffrey Curley, who was raped and murdered by two
homosexuals in 1997. The child's parents claim the torture and murder
of their son was inspired by information from the Man-Boy Love

The "Dumb and Dumber" Department...

"What's wrong with the most successful people putting one-quarter of
their wealth back into the place that made their wealth and success
possible?" --William Gates, Sr., lamenting the phaseout of the estate
tax, which, last time we checked, takes almost one half of previously
taxed family estates.

Court Jesters...

>From the "Department of Injustice," Andrew McBurnett, a man who tossed
a dog to its death in a bout of road rage last year was sentenced to
three years in prison for animal cruelty. His wife, Sara McBurnett,
testified: "For me it was my child. He killed my baby right in front
of me."

Meanwhile, in Wichita, Kansas, police have barricaded a late-term
abortion clinic to defend a mother's "right to choose" partial-birth

In economic news...

Industrial output dropped 0.7% in June, the ninth monthly decline,
prompting analysts to predict a second quarter decline. (No wonder
Congress spent that "surplus" so fast. Based on the contracting
economy, if they had waited another year, there would be no surplus.
As it is, expect the word "deficit" to creep back into next years
budget lexicon.)

In business news...

So you think that recent research "finding" that legalized abortion is
responsible for reduced crime rates was a bit over the line.... This
week, we reviewed a report from the Czech Republic that asserts
tobacco users, who die prematurely, create a financial "benefit" in
the form of savings the government would otherwise have expended to
pay for geriatric medical care. The study claims the Czech Republic
"saved" $30 million in 1999.

And you will NEVER guess who paid for the study!

Philip Morris.

Culture comment...

In news from the "Gay 90s," following the return to heterosexuality of
high profile celebs Anne Heche (Ellen DeGeneres's old flame) and
Sinead O'Connor (reportedly a singer), now comes word that Julie
Cypher (Melissa Etheridge's old flame) is going normal. She told
Etheridge, "I've tried these last couple of years, and I'm just not
gay." What is the world coming to?

Faith Matters...

In news from the "Village Church" bulletin, across the northern
border, members of the Church of God in Alymer, Ontario, including 26
mothers with 74 children, fled from the country last week amid fears
that government social workers were making plans to dispossess parents
of their children in response to reports that the parents were
spanking their children "using sticks and belts."

Memo to the Canadian National Socialist government, we checked, and:
"He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent
to discipline him." (Proverbs 13:24); "Do not withhold discipline from
a child; if you beat him with a rod, he will not die." (Proverbs
23:13) "The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself
brings shame to his mother." (Proverbs 29:15)

Around the world...

>From the East block, Russia and Red China inked a "friendship" treaty
Monday, intended to overtake the perceived "hyperpower hegemony" of
the U.S., promoting what the signers deemed a "just and rational new
international order." This treaty remakes a 1949 Sino-Soviet Communist
pact, which disintegrated in the 1960s, allowing President Richard
Nixon's infamous "opening to Red China." While stopping short of
explicit military alliance, the pact nevertheless promises "good
neighborliness, friendship and cooperation," and "consultation" under
"extraordinary" circumstances. Russian President Vladimir Putin and
Red Chinese President Jiang Zemin also issued a separate declaration
emphasizing their commitment to the 1972 Soviet-U.S. Anti-Ballistic
Missile (ABM) Treaty, as the "cornerstone of strategic stability and
the basis for reducing offensive weapons." And Wednesday in Moscow
Putin called for scrapping NATO, or restructuring that military
alliance to include Russia.

And last, conservative talk-show host Rush Limbaugh renewed his eight
year contract with Premiere Radio Networks for $250 million -- with a
$35 million signing bonus. "Limbaugh's earnings now pace him ahead of
the annual salaries for Dan Rather, Peter Jennings, Tom Brokaw and
Barbara Walters -- combined!" says Matt Drudge. "The deal represents a
stunning triumph over the establishment by an outsider who connected
with and captured the spirit of the nation's heartland."

Memo to Rush: Would you consider connecting with and renewing your
annual support for The Federalist -- perhaps even upgrading from the
Advocate level ($100) to the Founder level ($250)?


"I can find no evidence whatsoever that a fetus is not a living human
being with human rights." --Ronald Reagan {} "We must welcome the
night. It's the only time that the stars shine." --Michel Quoist {}
"When I cannot enjoy the faith of assurance, I live by the faith of
adherence." --Matthew Henry {} "There are ... few stronger
indications of ignorance of the power and evil of sin than the
confident assertion of our ability to resist and subdue it." --Charles
Hedge {} "Other things being equal, one hypothesis is more plausible
than another if it involves fewer numbers of new assumptions." --David
Kelley {} "There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes
it so." --William Shakespeare {} "I went to the woods because I
wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of
life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when
I came to die, discover that I had not lived." --Henry David Thoreau
{} "Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character." --Albert
Einstein {} "It is a mistake to look too far ahead. Only one link in
the chain of destiny can be handled at a time." --Winston Churchill
{} "I don't know what your destiny will be, but one thing I know: the
only ones among you who will be really happy are those who have sought
and found how to serve." --Albert Schweitzer


"When and by what authority did the government take charge of the
children? Whose children are they, anyway, and why, in the land of the
free and the brave, has it become necessary to ask such a question?"
--Linda Bowles {} "...[T]here exists a unique moment when cells
become life, and the image of God is formed, no matter how tiny it may
be." --John W. Whitehead ++ "...[T]he fact that certain politicians
and their families have been traumatized by debilitating and deadly
illnesses is not sufficient reason to rationalize away the human
status of an embryo. As tempting as it may be to support potentially
life-saving embryonic stem-cell research, now is not the time for
pro-lifers to go wobbly on life." --David Limbaugh ++ "Properly
presented, science is our friend. It's the secularists who have the
most to fear from what science reveals -- whether it's the humanity of
the unborn child or the evidence that points toward a divine Creator."
--Charles Colson {} "...[T]he trick to achieving funding immortality
is, first, to get the country used to paying. In politics, the
customary is indistinguishable from the reasonable." --Fred Reed {}
"A whisper of truth can have a surprising resonance." --Jay Nordlinger
{} "The hypocrite recognizes the honest man as his deadly enemy."
--Joseph Sobran {} "Words are powerful tools. They can be used as a
shield or a weapon." --C. Ben Mitchell {} "Memory is critical, both
to individuals and to nations." --Steve Farrell {} "Although you may
be unpopular with some by speaking out for freedom, it is not wise to
seek popularity with those who would be slaves." --David Dieteman {}
"Does God want us to turn off our air conditioners in mid-July and
make burnt offerings of SUVs? Amen, say eco-clerics, who are
transforming the Bible into an environmental handbook." --Don Feder
{} "The UN, as a collective body, cannot make moral acts of
aggression that clearly would be immoral if initiated by a single
nation." --Rep. Ron Paul {} "Politicians are not larger than life.
As human beings they are often smaller than life -- and more warped."
--Thomas Sowell {} "Diversity is simply the attempt to achieve
rainbow representation for its own sake, without any pretense of
redress or justice." --Charles Krauthammer {} "Markets are not
perfect. Expecting judges and politicians to improve them is a
fantasy, however." --Doug Bandow {} "[T]he most dangerous lechers
and creeps are not drunks wearing rags on the street, but respectable
men wearing hairspray, pinstripes, and wedding rings who lurk in the
halls of power." --Michelle Malkin


"After just six months in office, President Bush seems to have given
up on his campaign promise to America's children. After making
education reform a pillar of his campaign, and launching his
presidency with his 'No Child Left Behind' proposal, he has watched
the Democrats parse and splice the package until the legislation
passed by the House and the Senate is not even a shadow of its former
self. Now he just wants the end to come quickly. 'This Congress needs
to get an education reform bill on my desk before the summer recess,'
he said last week. 'There is no need for further delay.' Unless, of
course, he desires any of the pillars of his education package to be
revived: school choice, flexibility and accountability." --Washington


This week's "Leftmedia Sacrilege" Award: "We hold these Truths to be
self-evident, that all Men are created equal, endowed with certain
unalienable Rights, among these Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of
Happiness." --Diane Sawyer quoting the Declaration of Independence
during an ID celebration. **We have the utmost confidence that our
fellow patriots see the glaring omission in this statement. {} Never
one to be the last news organization to break a really big story, the
New York Times confirmed in last Sunday's edition, that, in fact,
George W. Bush really won the majority of presidential votes cast in
Florida last November. {} This week's "Spike" award: "There is news
tonight worthy of national note in the case of missing person
24-year-old Chandra Levy." --CBS talkinghead Dan Rather. Rather and
sidekick Jim Stewart finally broke their silence and reported -- for
the first time -- that "law enforcement sources" believe "that local
police have put an 'inappropriate emphasis' on the role of Congressman
Gary Condit," of course, failing to mention Condit is a Democrat.
Contrast Rather's silence in the Condit case with his dramatic
commentary on November 23, 1992, the day after the Washington Post
broke the story about Republican Senator Robert Packwood: "One of the
better known names in the U.S. Senate is caught up in accusations of
sexual harassment. And with a record number of women Senators coming
into the new Congress, this could be an early test of how much
politics in the Senate is destined to change." **Apparently "politics"
at CBS news has not changed much! While The Federalist has condemned
the feeding frenzy and conviction of Condit by the TV media --
ever-searching for larger couch potato market share -- we do note the
fact that CBS news has NEVER mentioned the case, and Condit's
obfuscation of the investigation, until this week, is a first rate
news spike. {} This week's "Leftmedia Parrot" Award: "Fifteen
million senior citizens have no prescription drug coverage at all,
many facing an impossible choice, really, between buying medicine and
buying food." --ABC's Charles Gibson {} This week's "Leftmedia Non
Compos Mentis" Award: "I think anti-ballistic missile defense systems
are a bad idea and this is something I've thought for 20 years."
--CBS's Bob Schieffer


"[At best, Rep. Gary Condit] is guilty of cheating on his wife, at
worst, he is guilty of murder. [The latter] would not only force him
to resign, but to go to prison." --Rep. Patrick Kennedy **Not
according to the "Kennedy Chappaquiddick" model! ++ "If every member
of Congress or every public official in Washington were to resign
because they've been having an affair, dear God...." --Geraldine
Ferraro **We would only be left with conservatives who are not
hypocrites -- precisely Ferraro's concern.... ++ "Everybody should
be calling for him to resign, whether he had anything to do with her
disappearance or not. In a real serious matter, he was not
straight-forward." --Newsweek's Jonathan Alter on why Condit should
resign **Where was Alter two years ago? ++ This week's
"Hyper-Hypocrisy" Award: "If infidelity is the test, there'd be a
number of members of Congress that should resign." --Rep. Chris Shays
{} This week's "Las Clintonista" Award: "I have said that I am not
running. I'm having a great time being pres...being a senator from New
York." --Sen. Ms. Hillary (Mrs. Bill Clinton) Rodham-Clinton, when
asked if she was going to run for President in '04


This week's "Tyranny of the Few" Award: "I still find him very cute
and likable.... He is my hero." --Mira Markovich, wife of former
Yugoslav leader Slobodan Milosevic {} This week's "Consummate
Village-Celeb" Award: "'There's no conclusive science on the Kyoto
accord.' That means they paid some scientist to say there's no global
warming. "But there is no science that says the missile defense shield
can work. We can spend billions on that, but scrimp on education and
the environment." --John Cusack {} This week's "Village Success
Story": "No matter how much money I have, I'm always going to have
middle class, Midwestern, puritanical aspirations and spending
habits." --Madonna, relaxing at her multimillion dollar Georgian
townhouse in London {} This week's "Periplaneta Americana" Award:
"[The Boy Scouts of America merit badge for fishing teaches] young
people that hooking, maiming, suffocating, and killing [fish] is
acceptable." --PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals)
latest folly. **PETA (People for Eating Tasty Animals) wants thinks
there should also be a merit badge for learning to cook fish over an
open campfire. {} From the "Disgruntled Villagers" Department: "The
same people who want the Endangered Species Act enforced also want
green power." --Oregon Republican state Rep. Jeff Kropf in response to
Oregon's "squirrel squabble." It seems that Oregon's
environchondriacs can't choose between protecting the habitation zone
of the endangered Washington ground squirrel and erecting a sixteen
mile corridor of 450 windmills for "green power." {} From the
"Village Academic Curriculum" File: "Only if our society realize that
there are so many factors contributing to a student's test score, then
teachers will be willing to take the blam game. Who is to blam when
students don't do homeworks? who is to blam when pareants don't care
to come to the teacher pareant conference?" --Letter from a New York
City "socail studies" teacher to the New York Post arguing for higher
teacher salaries.


"The amazing thing [is that] we'll have our birthday on the same day
again next year." -- George Bush to an Associated Press reporter after
noting they have the same birthday ++ "George W. Bush is so
pro-Mexico that if you hit him with a stick, prizes would fall out of
him." --Argus Hamilton {} "The thing I miss about Air Force One is
they don't lose my luggage." --George Bush(41) {} "If they get the
2008 Olympics the Chinese could consider making suicide an Olympic
sport, since only they have perfected the techniques of suicide by
self-beating." --Wesley Pruden {} "The department of agriculture is
looking for a gay/lesbian specialist. If they could find one who's
just a little bit crazy he/she could head up the 'Office of Fruits and
Nuts'." --Lyn Nofziger {} "Accompanying one's 'significant other'
who is temporarily working or studying in the U.S. would be considered
travel for pleasure." -- State Department memo to U.S. diplomatic and
consular posts in a July 9 telegram, "Classification for cohabitating
partners." {} "He started screaming, 'Let me out, let me out.' That's
when I shot at him." --Mollie Johnson, a 79-year-old grandmother on a
burglar's response to seeing her with a handgun. {} "NBC's West Wing
co-stars dropped their threat to quit the show. They wanted their
$30,000-a-week salary tripled. They decided to return to work Monday
when they woke up and saw their pictures on the cover of Career
Suicide magazine." --Argus Hamilton {} "I don't know why the Navy
thinks it has to use the island of Vieques near Puerto Rico as a
bombing range. Protests against it have been going on for more than 30
years. During that period the Navy surely could have found some place
else. I keep thinking of Cuba." --Lyn Nofziger

Night Lines:

Leno.... Beijing, China, has been awarded the Olympics for 2008.
They have a new track and field event -- it's called "running from the
tank"! ++ They said by moving the Olympics to China that it may
force the Chinese to examine their human rights violations. Yeah, it
sure worked in Germany in 1936! ++ It'll be nice for Americans to go
there for two weeks [in 2008] and not be held against their own will!
... Welcome to the "Tonight" show! We have a new set, new desk, new
chairs, new everything. Just the same as Gary Condit's apartment! ++
The police have searched Gary Condit's apartment and they found O.J.'s
missing glove! ++ Last week lawyers for Condit said that the
congressman took his own lie detector test and passed with flying
colors. Well gee, do you think? Do you suppose he'd win his own trial?
What's next, his own audit? Hey, look, a tax refund! ++ Finally, in
his third interview with police, Condit admitted to having a
relationship with missing intern Chandra Levy. Third interview -- this
guy even makes Clinton look like a good liar! ++ Gary Condit's
brother is a fugitive on the loose in Florida. Condit said that he'd
like to try and find his brother and hide with him. ++ Republican
senators are asking for Condit to step down. When Clinton heard about
this, he said, "Step down?! Hell, he should run for president!"

Letterman.... The Olympics in 2008 will be held in China. This is the
worst host ... well, since I was picked to host the Academy Awards.
... Over the weekend Gary Condit gave himself a lie detector test
and he announced that he did tell the truth. Today he cross-examined
himself and tomorrow I hear he is going to not pick himself out of a
lineup. Tomorrow he's going to beat a confession out of himself. The
he will put himself on trial and found he was not guilty! .... The
city is going to widen the sidewalks in Times Square to eight feet.
There will now be room for a crack dealer, a three-card monte game and
a corpse! This now will give you room to sprawl out while you wait for
the paramedics.

(**) Denotes Editor's Comment


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