The Long National Nightmare of Peace and Prosperity is Over
Gandalf Grey
post it as is. For the full effect, go to
http://www.theonion.com/onion3701/bush_nightmare.html]
The Onion
WASHINGTON, DC--Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the
door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured
the nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare
of peace and prosperity is finally over."
"My fellow Americans," Bush said, "at long last, we have reached the end of
the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the
Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic
expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time
has come to put all of that behind us."
Bush swore to do "everything in [his] power" to undo the damage
wrought by Clinton's two terms in office, including selling off the national
parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and
impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that
drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street.
During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the
severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens
that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in
the next four years.
"You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some
point during my administration," said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in
military spending. "Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting
soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a
military?"
On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by
implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which
would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer
spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even
further.
Wall Street responded strongly to the Bush speech, with the Dow Jones
industrial fluctuating wildly before closing at an 18-month low. The NASDAQ
composite index, rattled by a gloomy outlook for tech stocks in 2001, also
fell sharply, losing 4.4 percent of its total value between 3 p.m. and the
closing bell.
Asked for comment about the cooling technology sector, Bush said:
"That's hardly my area of expertise."
Turning to the subject of the environment, Bush said he will do
whatever it takes to undo the tremendous damage not done by the Clinton
Administration to the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. He assured citizens
that he will follow through on his campaign promise to open the 1.5 million
acre refuge's coastal plain to oil drilling. As a sign of his commitment to
bringing about a change in the environment, he pointed to his choice of Gale
Norton for Secretary of the Interior. Norton, Bush noted, has "extensive
experience" fighting environmental causes, working as a lobbyist for
lead-paint manufacturers and as an attorney for loggers and miners, in
addition to suing the EPA to overturn clean-air standards.
Bush had equally high praise for Attorney General nominee John
Ashcroft, whom he praised as "a tireless champion in the battle to protect a
woman's right to give birth."
"Soon, with John Ashcroft's help, we will move out of the Dark Ages
and into a more enlightened time when a woman will be free to think long and
hard before trying to fight her way past throngs of protesters blocking her
entrance to an abortion clinic," Bush said. "We as a nation can look forward
to lots and lots of babies."
Continued Bush: "John Ashcroft will be invaluable in healing the
terrible wedge President Clinton drove between church and state."
The speech was met with overwhelming approval from Republican leaders.
"Finally, the horrific misrule of the Democrats has been brought to a
close," House Majority Leader Dennis Hastert (R-IL) told reporters. "Under
Bush, we can all look forward to military aggression, deregulation of
dangerous, greedy industries, and the defunding of vital domestic
social-service programs upon which millions depend. Mercifully, we can now
say goodbye to the awful nightmare that was Clinton's America."
"For years, I tirelessly preached the message that Clinton must be
stopped," conservative talk-radio host Rush Limbaugh said. "And yet, in
1996, the American public failed to heed my urgent warnings, re-electing
Clinton despite the fact that the nation was prosperous and at peace under
his regime. But now, thank God, that's all done with. Once again, we will
enjoy mounting debt, jingoism, nuclear paranoia, mass deficit, and a massive
military build-up."
An overwhelming 49.9 percent of Americans responded enthusiastically
to the Bush speech.
"After eight years of relatively sane fiscal policy under the
Democrats, we have reached a point where, just a few weeks ago, President
Clinton said that the national debt could be paid off by as early as 2012,"
Rahway, NJ, machinist and father of three Bud Crandall said. "That's not the
kind of world I want my children to grow up in."
"You have no idea what it's like to be black and enfranchised," said
Marlon Hastings, one of thousands of Miami-Dade County residents whose votes
were not counted in the 2000 presidential election. "George W. Bush
understands the pain of enfranchisement, and ever since Election Day, he has
fought tirelessly to make sure it never happens to my people again."
Bush concluded his speech on a note of healing and redemption.
"We as a people must stand united, banding together to tear this
nation in two," Bush said. "Much work lies ahead of us: The gap between the
rich and the poor may be wide, be there's much more widening left to do. We
must squander our nation's hard-won budget surplus on tax breaks for the
wealthiest 15 percent. And, on the foreign front, we must find an enemy and
defeat it."
"The insanity is over," Bush said. "After a long, dark night of peace
and stability, the sun is finally rising again over America. We look forward
to a bright new dawn not seen since the glory days of my dad."
--
"If this were a dictatorship, it would be a heck of a lot easier, just so
long as I'm the dictator." George W. Bush, Televised Newsconference
December 18, 2000
Gandalf Grey
Gandalf Grey <ganda...@infectedmail.com> wrote in message
news:qBfu6.2171$ei1.5...@nntp3.onemain.com...
> [Someone suggested I do this in installments but after reading it, I had
to
> post it as is. For the full effect, go to
> http://www.theonion.com/onion3701/bush_nightmare.html]
>
Look here is a good one.
http://www.theonion.com/onion3710/hamster_thrown.html
Hamster thrown from remote control monster truck.
MILTON, MA--Tragedy was narrowly averted in the Bourke household
Monday, when Harry, the family's pet hamster, was violently thrown from the
4" by 4" payload of a toy Ford F-350 monster truck.
Above: The site of the accident that nearly claimed the life of Bourke
family pet Harry (inset).
According to reports, the toy vehicle was racing through a living-room
obstacle course--which included a coffee-table-coaster slalom, a cardboard
ramp, and a Dixie-cup pyramid--when it swerved out of control and crashed
into a Lincoln Log structure, sending the hamster flying through the monster
truck's driver-side window and knocking over three nearby Fisher-Price
Little People.
The scene quickly devolved into pandemonium, with the launched hamster
tumbling humorously in mid-air several times before landing at the foot of
the sofa and fleeing in shock. A frantic, living-room-wide search for Harry
ensued and, after extensive search efforts behind the sofa, under the
recliner, and behind the bookcase, the hamster was found between the
vertical blinds and the sliding glass door, shaken but alive.
As of press time, Harry was resting in his cage, his condition
described as "skittish but stable."
"This is a tremendous shock," said Bourke next-door neighbor Paula
Gates upon learning of the mishap. "Harry is well-liked by all the
neighborhood children, and for his life to be jeopardized in this manner is
terribly upsetting."
Parental investigators have determined that the toy's two operators,
whose names are being withheld due to their ages, successfully navigated the
monster truck through the obstacle course numerous times before adding the
hamster in an attempt to increase the activity's entertainment value. If
found guilty, the boys, 7 and 9, could be sentenced to an evening in their
rooms and fines of up to two weeks' allowance.
The accident's cause has been the subject of much debate. While many
blame the toy's manufacturer, Playcorp Unlimited, for making a substandard
product, others say the monster truck's operators are at fault. Angry at the
operators, an unnamed Bourke parent is pressing for a strict ban on the use
of family pets in play activities, with a penalty of three days without
PlayStation for those found guilty.
Playcorp spokesperson Paul Ionesco expressed "deep dismay" over the
crash.
"This is a flagrant and obvious misuse of our product," Ionesco said.
"No Playcorp product is intended for the transportation of live cargo, no
matter how cute and humorous the spectacle of a little hamster driving along
in his little truck may be."
Monday's crash marks the fourth time that Harry, 1, has found himself
involved in dangerous play. In October 2000, Harry was placed on the back of
family dog Raggles, who ran through several rooms within the house before
being stopped by mother Lorraine Bourke. On Feb. 20, he was strapped to an
army-man parachute and dropped from a second-story window. Three days later,
the hamster was placed inside his glow-in-the-dark run-about ball and pushed
down a flight of stairs. Both acts occurred with no parents in the vicinity
and were never brought to trial.
mrcid
Gandalf Grey <ganda...@infectedmail.com> wrote in message
news:qBfu6.2171$ei1.5...@nntp3.onemain.com...
to
> post it as is. For the full effect, go to
> http://www.theonion.com/onion3701/bush_nightmare.html]
>
>
> The Onion
>
>
You can always rely on The Onion for a good laugh, .......................
or cry.
mrcid.
Dave Christian
ganda...@infectedmail.com says...
> [Someone suggested I do this in installments but after reading it, I had to
> post it as is. For the full effect, go to
> http://www.theonion.com/onion3701/bush_nightmare.html]
>
>
> The Onion
>
>
>
> WASHINGTON, DC--Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the
> door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured
> the nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare
> of peace and prosperity is finally over."
Amen to that.
There is no question that we've put that whole "My retirement
is growing at a solid pace" phase behind us.
I guess all that economy bashing that George W. Bush did during
the campaign is paying off. He rattled consumer confidence and
we're reaping the "benefits."
Nothing like a little self-fulfilling prophecy.
Gandalf Grey
Dave Christian <dchri...@nc.rr.com> wrote in message
news:MPG.152483564...@news-server.nc.rr.com...
Bush's Revised Campaign Slogan
Vote for Me of the Sky Will Fall