! Gore's Monday Speech (interpreted) !
Paul
Good evening. Thank you for setting up all these flags to make me look
officially presidential and all.
Every four years there is one day when the dead rise from their graves and
cast votes for Democrats. In many ways the act of voting and having that vote
counted by imaginative Democrat canvassing boards is more important than who
wins the majority of the votes that are cast, unless I am not the person who
wins, because whoever wins, the victor will know that his vexatious litigators
have spoken with a voice made mighty despite its lack of integrity.
On that one day every four years, the poor as well as the rich, the weak as
well as the strong, women and men alike, citizens of every race, creed and
color, of whatever infirmity or political temper are all subordinate to the
machinations of sleazy lawyers. They're subordinate, that is, so long as their
lawyers aren't better.
A vote is not just a piece of paper, a vote is a lawsuit which is a big
stinking stack of paper, a degradation of human principles, and we must not
let those lawsuits get dismissed so we are going to file them in courts with
Democrat appointed judges. A vote is also a human voice, so we must now do a
recount that allows the recounters to divine the votes by hearing the voices
emanating from the ballots since just looking at dimples probably isn't enough
for me to win. This election is not over today, it is not over tomorrow, not
for as long I'm behind in the counts and in the courts, not for as long as it
takes for my slimy lawyers to find legal tricks to throw the election in my
favor, not for as long as it takes for this state's supreme court to write new
laws so that I can stand on TV and fight to let these new laws count.
If the people do not in the end choose me, so be it. They'll be wrong. I will
still have won because I'm making sure that my lawyers elect me now. That
outcome will have been fair because I won, and lawyers will have spoken. If
they choose me, so be it. I knew all along that is what they would do. I even
arranged for it. I would then commit and do commit to bringing this country
together under my thumb as soon as we get rid of all those pesky Republicans.
But, whatever the outcome, let's be clear that I won because I said so, and
let us listen, especially to me when I'm addressing the nation in my annoying
sing-song voice.
Ignoring votes mean ignoring democracy itself, as since I'm in favor of
communism, I'm fine with that. And if we ignore the votes of thousands in
Florida in this election, that's fine too, unless they are Gore votes. Then
they count. How else can I or any sleazy Democrat have confidence that your
vote will not be interpreted in our favor in future elections?
That is all we have asked since Election Day (that and a whole bunch of other
stuff listed in so many lawsuits that it's beginning to make even my bionic
brain spin): a complete count by Democratic partisans of all the imagined Gore
votes cast in the parts of Florida likely to vote for me. Not recount after
recount since that didn't seem to work, but a fifth, incomplete, and
deliberately inaccurate Democratically-manipulated recount of just as many
votes as it takes to put me in the lead.
We haven't had that yet. That's why I haven't won yet. Great efforts have been
made to prevent the counting of these votes and these are just the efforts
that were done by my own party and political hack crony judges appointed by
members of my party. Lawsuit after lawsuit has been filed to delay the
certification and to stop the certifying for many precious days between
Election day and the shifting, imaginary deadline for having the count
finished that has been re-legislated by the Supreme Kangaroo court of the
Banana Republic of Florida.
And this would be over long since, except for my efforts to subvert and
renegotiate the process at every turn.
In one county, election officials brought the count to a premature end because
they ran out of Democratic precincts to count and were worried that further
counting might swing the result in the other direction. I tried to claim that
the counts ended in the face of organized intimidation, but the facts just
didn't back me up and most Americans wouldn't support the decision to move the
counting to some backroom away from public inspection and supervision. In a
large number of counties, votes that had been fairly invented and submitted
after the new, judiciated deadline were legally set aside. And many thousands
of votes that were cast on Election Day by the men and women of the armed
forces that I plan on commanding someday have not yet been counted at all, not
once. And I'm currently suing to keep them that way.
There are some who would have us bring this election to the fastest conclusion
possible. I have a different view. I think that I won and I refuse to concede
because I know I can invent the numbers to back me up. I believe our
Constitution matters more than convenience, but face it, when Republicans talk
about strict constructionism, that's a code word. It means not letting me win,
and I won't stand for that. So, as provided under the Florida law and backed
up by any additional Florida law not yet written by its Supreme Court, I have
decided to contest this inaccurate and incomplete count, in order to secure
the weakest possible legality for an outcome that has me prevailing.
I disagree with everything Governor Bush said last night. We need to come
together as a country to make progress in the ability for lawyers to control
yet another aspect of our freedoms. But how can we best achieve that? Our
country will be weaker, not stronger, if our next president assumes office
following a process that all but the stupidest, liberal sycophants recognize
as unfair.
In all our lawyers' hands now rests the future of America's lack of faith in
our self-government. The American people with the exception of the evil
Republicans who will be banished from the country as soon as I take office
have shown dignity, restraint and respect as the screws have been put to them.
This is America. Home of the lawyers. When votes are invented, we count them.
We don't arbitrarily set them aside because it's just not legal to count them.
Our lawyers make up new laws so that we can count them.
In the end, after one of my pedantic rants filled with an abundance of Old
Glorys and fake smiles, this election may point us all to a new common ground,
for its very crookedness can serve to remind us that we are a disenfranchised
people, with a shared history of diminishing freedoms and a shared destiny of
increased election litigation.
So this extraordinary moment that might be better spent by me conceding to the
will of the people should summon all of us to become what we profess to be:
one litigious nation. Let us pledge ourselves to the ideal that the lawyer's
lawsuits should be heard and heeded, and then, together, let us find what is
best in ourselves and seek what is best for my twisted vision of America
especially if that means that I get to be president.
Two hundred years from now, when future Americans study this presidential
election, let them learn the lawyers did everything they could to ensure that
a democracy of all citizens who voted was a thing of the past. Let them learn
that litigation was ultimately placed ahead of public interest in resolving a
contested election. Let them learn that we were indeed a country of laws
interpreted by sleazy lawyers and criminally activist judges to mean whatever
was best for me to be elected. Hopefully, by then, they'll be docile sheep
submissive to the will of the one supreme government that will control every
aspect of their lives and they'll be unable to imagine what life was like
before the great election travesty of 2000.
I won. God have mercy on you, and God have mercy on America, the tainted. God
bless my lawyers. God bless the news networks that continue to support me to
no end. God curse Bill O'Reilly and that evil Fox News network for refusing to
bend to my will.