Resume - Hire Me!
Napoleon
resume. If you want to hire me, then send me a job offer via
alt.pinecone since I don't answer the phone or email. Oh, I have to be
paid at least 100,000 pinecones a year!
Experience and Qualifications
Export/Import Administration
" Thorough knowledge of Commercial and US Government Contracting
(FAR, DFARS), International Traffic in Arms Regulations (ITAR) and the
Export Administration Regulations (EAR).
" Thorough experience with Department of Commerce and State
Department export licenses, TAAs and MLAs.
" Thorough working knowledge of SNAP, D-TRADE, AES, Ellie Net.
" Importation and Exportation Authority responsible for managing
Big MOD's imports and exports by interfacing with Subcontractors, US
and Foreign Customs, Customs Brokers, Purchasers, Program Managers and
overseas Field Engineers.
o Developed and wrote the Import Process and Procedures Manual
for the entire Big MOD Corporation.
o Saved over half a million dollars in duty charges by working
with the Subcontract Administrator in identifying proper shipping
terms of a manufacturing subcontract.
o Provided training to subcontract administrators and managers
for procurement of foreign commodities.
o Performed ongoing training for programs and individuals
regarding international transactions.
o Created and managed the Return Material Authorization
procedure and process.
o Maintained Import and Export Documentation and shipping
records in compliance with government regulations and participated in
regular internal and external compliance audits.
o Devised and maintained Internal Business Instructions and
Procedures regarding export and import regulations, foreign visitors,
international travel and transactions.
o Filed Commercial Jurisdictions and Commercial Classifications
and prepared, processed, tracked and closed out Carnet applications.
o Maintained the Export and Import database.
Contract Administration
" Thorough knowledge of Commercial and US Government Contracting
(FAR, DFARS).
" Thorough experience with negotiating, drafting and
adminstering contracts and other legal documents.
" Contractual and Software Licensing Authority responsible for
managing Big MOD's contracts by interfacing with Suppliers, Program
Managers, Engineers and Attorneys.
o Negotiated, Drafted and Administered Contracts, Software
Licenses, Proprietary Information Exchange Agreements (PIEA), Bailment
Agreements, Memos of Understanding (MOU) and other documents.
o Devised and maintained Internal Business Instructions and
Procedures regarding software licensing and other contracting issues.
o Performed ongoing training for programs and individuals
regarding software licensing compliance.
o Maintained Software Licensing Database.
Technology Transfer/Intellectual Property Administration
" Thorough knowledge of Intellectual Property Law and Technology
Transfer management.
" Thorough experience with the Technology Transfer and
Intellectual Property Protection processes for commercial and
noncommercial businesses.
" Member of Big MOD's Intellectual Property Review Board,
responsible for reviewing invention disclosures to determine
appropriate level of intellectual property protection for the
technology.
" Technology Transfer Authority responsible for managing and
administering University's Intellectual Property by interfacing with
Researchers, Professors, Adminstrators, Attorneys, and Business
Leaders.
o Commercialized and transferred technologies to Businesses and
Startups by identifying potential licensees for new technologies and
marketable patents.
o Increased Technology Transfer Royalties 100% and decreased
legal expenditures.
o Solicited new technology disclosures from faculty and staff
and evaluated for possible patenting and/or commercialization.
o Negotiated terms in Options, Licenses, Non-Disclosures (NDA),
Research and Materials Transfer Agreements (MTA) and MOUs.
o Performed ongoing training for university faculty and staff
about technology transfer, intellectual property, and internal
Intellectual Property policies.
o Interacted with external Legal Counsel on patent, trademark
and copyright timing and strategy.
o Monitored relevant deadline dates for patent prosecution and
maintenance activities.
o Administered and monitored licensee performance, royalties,
and fees.
o Reviewed intellectual property obligations under research
funding and undertook appropriate technology reporting to government
and industry sponsors.
o Devised a new filing system for technologies and maintained
the paper and electronic files.
o Prepared non-confidential summaries of technical information
for marketing purposes.
o Developed Technology Transfer Basics seminar for faculty and
staff.
o Taught Technology Transfer Research class for the Law,
Technology and Management course.
o Designed and maintained the University's Technology Transfer
website including listing of all technologies.
o Maintained Technology Transfer database for all University
technologies.
Business Administration
" Co-owner of an Animation Studio.
o Wrote, produced, directed, animated, and sound-produced the
feature-length animated film "Big MOD Blows."
o Wrote screenplays "Hambone" and "Rocketman."
o In production for feature-length animated film "Hambone" and
web-series "Floop and Bump Fables."
Legal Administration
" Thorough knowledge of Federal and State Civil Law and
Procedures.
" Legal Author responsible for researching and writing
subject-specific Legal Annotations of case law used by attorneys and
judges for a publication.
" Law Clerk responsible for assisting attorneys for a personal
injury, malpractice and products liability Law Firm.
o Researched issues of law utilizing print and electronic
resources.
o Prepared memoranda of law, motions, pleadings and affidavits.
Library and Information Management Administration
" Thorough knowledge of Library and Information Management
Administration.
" Thorough experience with Department of Commerce and State
Department export licenses, TAAs and MLAs.
" Thorough working knowledge of Westlaw, Lexis/Nexis, Internet
Legal Databases.
" Reference Law Librarian responsible for providing public
services forUniversity's Law Library by interfacing with Students,
Faculty, Administrators, Attorneys and the General Public.
o Answered legal reference questions utilizing print and
electronic resources.
o Presented Group Bibliographic Instruction and directed library
patrons in the use of legal resources.
o Supervised reference clerks. Assigned tasks, directed and
evaluated work.
o Performed collection development for electronic and print
library resources.
o Implemented and maintained an Electronic Research Center
including web resources.
o Evaluated, organized, and installed legal CDROM and Internet
databases.
o Designed and developed a Law Library Tutorial webpage.
" Head, Reference and Information Services responsible for
providing public services for the Public Library System by interfacing
with the General Public, Government Officials, and Students.
o Implemented First-Time Reference Services for the Public
Library System.
o Performed regular Reference Desk Duty utilizing print and
electronic resources.
o Wrote Reference Services, Online Services and Collection
Policies and Procedures.
o Supervised the Library Reference and Circulation staff.
o Performed Collection Development for electronic and print
reference sources.
o Managed reference budget.
o Recruited, hired and trained new employees.
o Prepared annual Performance Reviews and prepared job
descriptions and assigned tasks for staff.
o Planned and implemented an automated system for the library's
online catalog including organizing and directing barcoding of all
library material.
o Planned and helped implement a wide area network (WAN) for
the library.
o Evaluated, purchased, and installed CDROM databases and
software.
o Managed patron access to electronic resources and the
Internet.
o Advised the Branch Library in reference collection and
electronic resources development.
Education
Juris Doctor o Summa Cum Laude Rank 2 of 263
Law, Technology and Management Certificate
Master of Information Science o GPA 3.90/4.00
Bachelor of Arts in Broadcasting o Summa Cum Laude
pug
>I spent all morning finishing this masterpiece. It's my FUNCTIONAL
>resume. If you want to hire me, then send me a job offer via
>alt.pinecone since I don't answer the phone or email. Oh, I have to be
>paid at least 100,000 pinecones a year!
Looks like you just "functioned" yourself out of a job with this
behemoth of a resume. I'm sure an HR drone is going to give a shit
about your wonderful qualifications. Hell, the average HR drooler
isn't even going to make it past the first two words on your
FUNCTIONAL resume.
Also, asking for 100,000 pinecones a year in today's depression is
just plan crazy. Go plant your own pine tree if you expect such
outrageous payment for your wonderful functionality.
Here is the resume to use in order to get a job in America:
---------------------------------------------------
Susie Shithead
100 McMansion Way
Foreclosed, CA 95666
cell phone: 555-5555
I am a team player who enjoys working with people. I can hit the
ground running and I always go the extra mile. I like people and
people like me.
Education
High School Diploma
Night classes at the IDONTGIVEASHIT School of Nursing.
Experience
Admin Asst for a heating and plumbing company. Been with the same
company for 35 years.
Personal
I have three beautiful children and four step children. Besides Jesus,
my family is the most important thing in my life. I also like to hold
office potlucks and garage sales.
References
Pastor Joe
Grocer Tom
Neighbor Betty
---------------------------------------------------------
Now there's a resume for you. A real people person who has a stable
employment history and good references. Did I mention she is very
personable because she likes people and people like her?
What more could you want in an employee?
Plus the resume fits nicely on one sheet of paper with plenty of white
space to spare. Easy on the eyes for the average HR illiterate.
Throw in some typos and you are as good as hired with this resume.
pug
"Big MOD Blows" -- http://www.youtube.com/areyouguystwins
**caution: This film is known to cause nausea if watched in its entirety**
Binkmeister
LOL! This made my day!
Binkmeister
Very impressive, Napoleon!
As I read this, I thought to myself "how can one person be this
'functional'"
I am going to make a functional resume for myself as well. Of course, I
have to go to the store and buy my parchment paper, feather and ink well
set, and wax seal-making kit first.
Binkmeister
Binkmeister
> ...since [circa] 1997!
It was Thunderbird's fault....honest!