Feminism and traditional roles

[Ilya Shambat]

When I was 6, my mother tried to get me to wash the floor, to which I responded, “We are not women.”

I have no idea how I got that sentiment. I certainly didn’t get it from her, I don’t think I got it from my dad, and I know I didn’t make it up on my own.

I am ashamed to have had that sentiment; but then I was 6. In my relationships I did both a chunk of the traditionally male work and a chunk of the traditionally woman work. In my relationships there were some situations in which I was in charge; other situations in which the woman was in charge; and other situations on equal power. I have had woman bosses and translated woman poets. I have seen women as being better than men since an early age. I am the last person that one would expect to behave in a sexist manner. If I can be vulnerable to this kind of tomfoolery, then who isn’t?

What do I actually believe? I believe that both the misogyny and misandry are for brats and idiots. Basically, these people don’t know how good they have it. The misogynist is not with Andrea Dworkin. The misandrist is not with Eminem or Mullah Omar. Instead these people have partners who are much better people than they are themselves, whom they then insist on treading like dirt. And that makes the world a worse place for everyone and lets the worst people dominate the better people, both men and women.

Are either women or men to be hated? That is completely wrong. Both women and men are people. People are beings capable of choice. Anything capable of choice can be good or bad. Most people – women and men - are both.

So we have hostility between family-minded women and career-minded women. In both situations there is potential for wrongdoing. A woman who has a family with a man would be in a bad way if the man decides to act like a jerk. But there are also going to be jerks in the corporate world.

In my adult life I’ve done enough of cleaning, cooking, changing diapers and any number of other things that are seen as being traditional women’s roles. I’ve honored women’s authority in workplace and supported powerful women. I took part in an effort to fight domestic violence. I’ve had respectful, non-abusive relationships with women close to me. Whatever influence my statement came from, is nowhere near me any longer. That is result of both me working on myself and making sense of my influences – also of input from other people, both men and women.

To men who have a negative view of women, consider women who are worthy of your respect. Consider Queen Elizabeth I, Marie Medici, Joan of Arc, Rosa Parks, Marie Curie, Amelia Earhardt, Sandy Lerner, Jane Fonda, Oprah Winfrey, Margaret Thatcher, Hillary Clinton, Julia Mancuso, Sarah Hughes, Penelope Cruze, Emily Dickinson, Dorothy Parker. That some women are evil no more means that all women are evil than is that some men are evil means that all men are evil. Anything capable of choice can be good. That is the case both with women and men.

Is wiping the floor a part of a traditional female role? Such things are something that every couple should work out for itself. I did not feel emasculated for doing traditionally female work., nor did I try to prevail on women I’ve been with to do such a thing. One of the women I’ve been with was a very serious Christian, and she was willing to do such things as part of her understanding of what is the traditional female role, without me demanding such things of her.

That something is part of a traditional gender role does not mean that it is superior or inferior to that of the other traditional gender role. The traditionally female tasks should be seen as being just as important and valuable as the traditionally male tasks. The task that women perform that men can’t perform – bringing into the world new life – should be uniquely valued. A priest once said in a sermon that men and women are “same in value, different in roles.” A feminist would look at this and say, “What a pig.” But you cannot portray as a pig someone who sees women as better than men and actively seeks their benefit.

I want to see women having safe life inside the home and a fulfilling life outside the home. As for division of labor, once again I believe that this should be up to the couple. Some women want to do such tasks; others don’t. Some men want to do such tasks; others don’t.

All of the above should have a right to their choices. And the world should have a right to benefit from people pursuing that right.