The Aristocrats
Immortalist
two kids, their little dog, and the talent agent goes, 'What kind of an act
do you do?'
At the father's signal the family disrobes en masse. The father starts
fucking his wife. The wife starts jerking off the son. The son starts going
down on the sister. The sister starts fingering the dog's asshole. Then the
son starts blowing his father.
------------------------
"You guys wanna hear a funny joke my grandpa told me?"
"No."
"Ok, so this family walks into an talent agency. it's a mother, father,
their son and daughter and a little baby. The father says to the talent
agent:
Sir, our family has an amazing act. we know if you would let us perform it
for you, you would want to sign us. and the talent agent says: sorry we
don't sign family acts, they're too cutey. But then the mother goes:
Please sir, if you just give us two minutes we know you would like our act.
So the talent agent says: alright you've got two minutes.
The family jumps right into it. The mother smiles and points to the son who
hits play on a boom box. Thrilling circus music starts to play as the father
spins his daughter around, bends her over, lifts up her skirt and starts
licking her asshole."
"What?"
"Then the son lays down on the floor, opens his mouth and the mother tears
in two her pants, squats down over his face and starts shitting all over
him."
"Dude?!"
"Hold on, hold on. The father grabs the baby, takes off his diaper and
starts sucking his cock, right, while the son still with the mother's shit
in his mouth goes over and licks the babies tiny little balls."
"Dude?"
"Hold on, Kyle. Now the mother lays down on her back on the floor, while the
daughter gets high up in a chair and starts pissing all over. Then the
father and son take the baby and start stuffing it head first back into the
mother's vagina, while the daugher's piss rains down on all of them."
"Dude, just stop."
"They get the.. hold on Kyle. They get the baby halfway in so that its legs
are sticking out all kicking and flailing around. The son takes the mother's
shit out of his mouth and starts rubbing it all over everyone, while the
father sticks his cock in the baby's asshole and fucks it, while it's still
inside the mother until he comes all over the baby, the wife and the son and
the daughter."
"Cartman, Cartman..."
"Cut! Hold on please. Then the father gets up and says: And now for our
impersonation of the victims of 911. And the whole family starts running
around the room screaming and laughting with their dicks and titties and
flappin' around covered with shit and piss and cum goin. Heeeelp Heeeelp the
building's coming down. Heeeelp.
And finally the family runs back to the center of the room and goes
TADAAAAA.
And the talent agent, he just sits there for the longest time and finally he
says: Jesus that's one hell of an act. What do you call it?
And the father says: The aristocrats. hehehe."
"I don't get it."
"Neither do I."
http://chud.com/forums/showthread.php?t=76068
The Aristocrats (also known as The Debonaires and The Sophisticates) is a
joke which is alleged to have been told by numerous stand-up comedians since
Vaudeville, and often only among an audience of other comedians. In
publicity for a 2005 documentary film about the joke, it has been referred
to as "the world's funniest joke" and "the world's worst joke". It may be
either depending on who's telling it, who's listening and the innumerable
variations upon the theme. It is rarely told the same way twice.
The joke is something of a game in which those who tell it try to top each
other in terms of shock value. This was also used as an inside joke by
comedians to test the mettle of their audience. Throughout the history of
the joke, it has evolved from a clichéd staple of Vaudevillian humor into a
postmodern anti-joke.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_aristocrats
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter
and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act.
You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too
cute."
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to
represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
With that they are off. The father takes off his robe and turns around,
revealing a monstrous pulsating cyst on his back. The sun pulls a razor
blade out of his pants pocket, strips ass naked , and cuts a small slit into
the cyst. A foul green jell begins to ooze out of the cyst, and the son
slides his dick into the cyst.
While the son is pumping away, the mother squats down, and a chalk white
fetus slides to the ground with a sickening plop. The daughter grabs the
stillborn fetus, and rams its head up her pink pussy.
The mother grabs the umbilical cord, and wraps it around the sons neck and
begins choking him while he is fucking the dads cyst.
At that time the father shoves a turkey baster full of warm buttermilk up
his ass, and squirts the full load into his colon, then grabs the stillborn
fetus by its body and twists the head off in his daughters pussy.
The daughter falls to the ground when the dead babies head snaps off, and
while she is laying on the ground the dog comes over and starts eating the
dead infants fetus head out of her pussy while she rubs on her clit.
The father sprays shitty buttermilk all over the daughter, and the dog, all
the while drops of the green puss from the cyst drip onto her naked body.
The mother ties the umbilical cord off on her sons neck, and draws a syringe
full of the buttermilk shit with cyst puss, and injects it into the husbands
left nut.
Then the father scoops his shitty pus covered daughter up from the ground,
and begins fucking her through the unborn fetus skull lodged in her pussy.
As chunks of brain tissue drop onto the floor the dog laps them up.
Just as the father is about to cum he throws his daughter down to the floor,
and with his about to pass out son on his back, jumps onto her abdomen,
making her puke all over the dog,brain chunks,shit,and buttermilk.
The father starts finishing himself off by jacking off while the mother and
daughter perform a 69 in the massive puddle on the ground. Just as his son
is about to pass out, he shoots an enormous load of jizz into the cyst,
forcing it to explode and drip a cum and pus pudding all over the daughters
pussy. Then the mother looks up, and the father rams his cock into her
mouth, and makes her swallow his load, complete with the injected
pus,shit,buttermilk, and infant brain tissue.
When the mother tastes the disgusting load she begins to wretch. The son
yells "LONDON!", and tapes a cherry bomb to a toy train, shoves it up his
ass, and it explodes. Blowing his colon to bits inside of himself and
killing him isntantly.
The daughter jumps up and yells "World Trade Center!". Then she runs across
the room, and jumps out of the window. The father yells "Auschwitz!" Picks
up the dog, carves a star of david onto its back, and spikes it into the
fire.
While the dog is roasting, the mother takes the candy dish from the talent
agents desk, and pukes the disgusting mix into the bowl. The father looks at
her, slashes her throat with the razor and holds the bowl high into the air.
The mother lets out a wet choked cry, then falls to the ground dead.
The father places his foot on the mothers dead body. With dead dog smoke
filling the room he tips his head back, and chugs the mixture from the candy
dish in front of the talent agent. Wipes his mouth, and takes a bow.
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages,
"That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
http://www.dead-frog.com/aristocrats/joke.php?id=142&listtype=3
http://www.dead-frog.com/aristocrats/
----------------------------------
So a family walks into a big time talent agent's office. A mom, a dad ,a
teenage boy and girl and a baby. The Whole family is covered in shit. The
teenage girl has cum dripping from her cunt ,from her ass, from her mouth
even from her left ear. The boy also has cum dripping from his ass and is
slightly bloody and is completely nude. The mom and dad both have vomit in
their hair. Did I mention the whole family is caked in shit? The baby looks
like someone tried to strangle it while fucking it, Its sorta of a bluish
color. The Talent Agent says "Hey! You must be The Aristocrats!" and the Dad
says "No,we just left the Superdome"
http://www.dead-frog.com/aristocrats/joke.php?id=898&listtype=3
--------------------------------
A family walks into a talent agency...The agent says, "Okay, let me see what
you do."
The father hoists his wife and daughter up -- one on each shoulder -- the
daughter farts on the way up. The agent sees that the wife's panties have a
rusty-colored stain. The dog obediently runs out and sits in front of the
human pyramid, in the centre of the line.
The dad says, "On the count of three -- one, two... three!"
The daughter and mom begin singing "On the Good Ship Lollypop."
"On the gooood ship lol-EE-pop..."
And as the family sing together, the clown dog does a little dance on its
hind legs. The agent sees a little glistening bubblegum-colored phallus on
the dog.
"...it's a sweeeet trip to the can-DEE shop... ... where bob-bons play..."
The dog poops on the floor in front of the agent's desk.
"... on the sunny beach of peppermint bay..."
The mom & daughter somersault off the dad's shoulders -- he acidentally
belches and poops his pants from the heavy lifting.
"Lemonade stands, everywhere crackerjack bands, fill the air and there you
are, happy landings on a chocolate bar..."
The daughter slips on the dog poop and lands on her back on the agent's desk
with her dress over the agent's head. She then farts. The dog takes a pee on
the agent's desk.
The mom & dad continue singing:
"See the sugar bowl do a tootsie roll in a big bad devils food cake, if you
eat too much... oh, oh, you'll awake, with a tummy ache."
The agent decides to perform cunnilingus on the girl since his head is up
her dress. He can't help himself.
" On the good ship lollipop its a nice trip, in to bed you hop, and dream
away, on the good ship lollipop."
Seeing the agent do this turns on the mom & dad. Dad continues singing while
mom puts his penis into her mouth and bobs up and down on it. The dog is
under the agent's desk -- humping his leg.
Eventually the daughter comes on the agent's face, the dog comes on the
agent's leg and the dad comes in the mother's mouth. The agent has
masturbated to completion.
The agent just sits in silence for a long time. Finally, he manages, "That's
a hell of an act. What do you call yourselves?"
And the father says, "The Aristocrats!"
http://www.reference.com/browse/wiki/The_Aristocrats
-----------------------
Immortalist
"Immortalist" <Reanima...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:SS7Cf.16313$bF.2933@dukeread07...
>A talent agent is sitting in his office. A family walks in. A man, woman,
>two kids, their little dog, and the talent agent goes, 'What kind of an act
>do you do?'
>
The mother and father are an old couple in their late 60s, while the kids
are still in elementary school. The father reveals that his daughter is
brain-dead and announces that he needs money to keep feeding his family.
So, the father picks her up, pulls off her pants and suddenly starts
flapping her butt cheeks while singing "Livin' la Vida Loca". Meanwhile, the
son pulls out his dick and starts flopping it up and down, like he's getting
ready for a boxing match. The mother dresses down buck naked, and then
starts tap dancing with her sagging, wrinkly tits, boney ass, with piss
dripping out of her pussy.
The father declares, "Fuck it, she needs food!" He pulls the feeding tube
out of the daughter, stands there and jerks off into the brain-dead
daughter's mouth while singing "Livin' La Vida Loca" louder and louder. The
son decides that he'd take one for the team and jerk off to his sister, too.
The son only gets a hard on from his dog, so he sticks his dick in the dog's
mouth wanting a blowjob. The starving dog bites off the son's dick and
starts chewing on it like a rag doll. The mother runs over, yanks the dick
out of the dog's mouth while the father squirts his cum into the daughter's
mouth. "Now eat that!" yells the father.
The mother takes her son's chewed up, bitten off dick, spreads her wrinkly
legs, and then sticks it in and out of her pussy. The father sees his son's
dick ramming into his wife and starts fingering the hole that was where his
dick was. The mother shouts out "BUKAKKE!" The son, while being fingered by
his father up his dick and ass hole, sticks his tongue into his own penis
while the mother is jerking with it harder and harder.
The dog gets horny from seeing the whole thing, so it starts fucking the
brain dead daughter's cunt while cum is dripping out of her mouth. The
mother tells the son she wants it all over her face, just like what the
Japanese do. So the son takes his dick, shoves it into his ass, lets out a
loud battle cry, points it at his mom's face and starts shitting a stream of
diarrhea through his dick, into his mother's mouth, while his father fucks
and cums in his son's dick hole. Still singing La Vida Loca, the dad yells,
"you order French champagne, I'll make you go insane!" This time, the orgasm
was so powerful that the father came though his son's ears, nose, mouth and
eyes. The son's eyeballs shoot out and head explodes with cum spraying in
all directions.
The daughter starts twitching, head spinning around in circles and suddenly
a cannon burst of cum shoots out of her pussy, spraying all over the family,
shooting the dog into the wall, with its bones and guts blasting back across
the room, with the dog skull crashing into mother's head. The father rips
off his own dick, then shoves it into his mouth, while blood, shit, and cum
is drenched all over the room and yells, "Tah dah!"
http://www.dead-frog.com/aristocrats/
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000C3L2NE/
Tim
convey your family life?
"Immortalist" <Reanima...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:XAtCf.18882$bF.6214@dukeread07...
forbi...@msn.com
> Is there a point to this smokeee, or are you just using creative writing to
> convey your family life?
>
> "Immortalist" <Reanima...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
> news:XAtCf.18882$bF.6214@dukeread07...
Ya know, when I first heard of this movie I didn't think anything about
it.
After reading Immortalist's articles I am reminded of several would be
references, one of which is a cartoon who title I learned today was
"Curtain
Razor". Another is a scifi short I cannot identify about a man who
starts
by cutting off a finger for a drink and end with him cutting off his
head in
front of thousands.
I hadn't really considered the possibility that there actually is a
running
"joke" out there and yet there may be a thread that, while unseen, may
leave its impression in the fabric of "the story". In a way it would
be
like the line "We don't need no stinking badgers" whose reference to
"Treasure of the Sierra Madre" may not be clear to those who don't
know about it and yet creates a bond between those who do as being
apart from those who do not. The more obscure the reference the
greater
the bond.
Immortalist
"Tim" <qw...@qwerty.com> wrote in message
news:lISdne5lEP7fxEbe...@aci.on.ca...
> Is there a point to this smokeee, or are you just using creative writing
> to convey your family life?
>
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter
and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act.
You should represent us." The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family
acts. They're a little too cute." The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our
act, we know you would want to represent us." The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll
take a look."
The whole family gets naked. The Father takes his pants off and starts
jerking off. The son comes over to his father and takes an enormous shit on
his foot. The son then begins to lick his fathers shit filled toes and then
pisses right in his fathers face. The mom sees this and with her spiked
strap on dildo fucks her son in the ass while the father jerks off in his
daughters face. While the mom is fucking the son the dad is getting a
blowjob from him while the daughter fist fucks her dad. The Father gets away
from fist fucking and brings in the pet rabbit. He takes a shit right on top
of the head of the rabbit and then begins to shit in an ice cream cone and
cums all over it and feeds it to his son who then takes a shit on the
rabbit. The mom sees the rabbit and takes a shit on the rabbit's chest while
the daughter is eating the father and sons shit off the rabbit's head. The
father kicks his son in the balls and sews his asshole closed and keeps
feeding him and feeding him and feeding him. The mother gets a spiked
fucking bat and smashes her husband's dick. The daughter sticks her finger
up her ass and gives her mother a wet willy while singing "Frosty the
Snowman." The dad brings a rat to the stage and has his dick bitten off by
it. He then takes and axe and kills the rat with blood and guts flying
everywhere. He gets the rat guts and puts it in his daughters pussy and eats
it up and then takes a shit which is in the shape of a smiley face and then
sits atop of the cum, shit, piss, nigger, cock, cunt, fuck, bitch, cum
guzzling queen, blood, pussy juice mountain and then screams that's the
show.
Immortalist
the corner of the room, takes out a small filofax and begins searching for a
number. Meanwhile, the father bends the mother over, makes a fist and rams
his arm into her cavernous snatch all the way up to the elbow. The mother
turns to the talent agent and says, with a touch of pride, "I haven't bathed
in several months."
The father, in one fluid motion, extracts his arm from the mothers snatch
with a hard boot to the ass, turns around and reaches down his daughter's
throat. The shock of the penetration, combined with the unholy stench of the
mother's cooter, causes the daughter to vomit copiously. Of course, the
father's fist suppresses much of the vomit so she ends up choking on it. The
father removes his hand from her gullet and proudly displays the contents.
"100% pure Bile!" the father exclaims joyfully as he drops his trousers,
whips out his colossal hard-on, and begins jerking off using the bile for
lubrication "Nothing else will do!"
The daughter, meanwhile, is rolling around in a thousand choking agonies as
the tiny nuggets of vaginal residue on her father's fist meld with the bile
to form this thick, lumpy paste, obstructing her airways.
"Holy Jesus!" The father exclaims. "That little lady is turning blue as a
Smurf. I must act!"
Reaching into his own rectum he extracts a giant double ended dildo and,
strapping one end around himself, he proceeds to deep throat the daughter,
the dildo forcing the obstructive paste down into the depths of his
daughters stomach.
This goes on for several minutes until, her airways finally clear, the
daughter pulls out the dildo and cries
"Oh father, how can I ever repay you?"
"I think I know how" The father replies, gleefully. "But we'll need your
momma's help for this bit!"
On that cue, the mother rips off all her clothes to reveal herself to be
heavily pregnant. The daughter turns to the talent agent and says, "She's 6
months overdue, you know. We must act!" The mother then bends over and the
daughter thrusts her head deep into her mother's womb. The father, with the
aim of providing extra traction, straps on a second, spiked dildo and
proclaims "That little lady isn't strong enough to pull that darned fetus
out by herself!" He rams the spiked dildo in the daughters ass, forcing her
deeper into the womb to the point where she can finally do what she went in
there to do, and extract the fetus with her teeth. She gives her father a
big thumbs up.
The father then throws himself backwards, the spikes on the dildo pulling
back the daughter, who in turn pulls out the fetus, who in turn pulls free
many, if not all, of the mother's internal organs.
"Dinner Time!" Cries the father who noisily begins feasting on his wife's
intestinal tract as the daughter wipes the vaginal grunge off the fetus,
cries "Finally, a baby of my very own!" and begins stuffing it inside her
like a little blood drenched Russian Matrioshka doll.
The father then turns to the son and cries "Hey Billy! Get over here. You're
missing some good eatin' son!" However, his call is drowned out by the
mother, who is screaming unspeakable obscenities as the daughter begins
dousing her open wounds with, alternately, vinegar, TCP, and gasoline.
Over this cacophony of ghoulish shrieks and orgiastic guzzling, the son can
be heard to exclaim. "Yeah. You heard me right. A Bin-Laden-O-Gram! And
hurry!" before slamming down the phone and rushing over to the rapidly
dwindling pile of digestive organs and yelling, "He's on his way! He's on
his way!"
"Excellent son!" Cries the father before expelling a gargantuan stream of
vomit directly into the son's gaping maw whilst taking a giant shit, just
for good measure.
The door then bursts open and a male stripper dressed as Osama Bin Laden who
must have been at least in his seventies runs into the room and, without
breaking stride, begins fucking the bare ass of the baby who, lest we
forget, was still rammed deep inside its sister like some kind of
un-detonated human torpedo.
The mother, by this time, is completely lifeless and the father, noticing
this, turns to the talent agent and says "No use letting this broad go to
waste!" Bin Laden then hoists the mother's corpse up on to the father's
enraged hard-on, which, due to his late wife's lack of internal organs,
bursts right through her like a swollen finger through soggy tissue paper.
The daughter, the son, Bin Laden, and, surprisingly enough, the baby, all
begin fighting each other for the privilege of getting on the end of the
father's cock. Eventually, the son grabs the baby, skewers it on the end of
the cock and spins it round like the dreidel from hell before grabbing it
firm and fucking it in the ass while the daughter whips out a colossal
strap-on and begins fucking HIM in the ass, while Bin Laden eats the
daughters asshole. This goes on for about fifteen minutes, until the father
blows his load so hard that the globule of cum skewers all of them, finally
exiting through the back of Bin Laden's head and oozing down the wall as
only jizz-brain paste can. Those members of the family still alive then
congregate around the talent agent's desk and, panting for breath, emit a
tired, yet triumphal "TA-DAA!"