CATTLE MUTILATIONS ? SLARTYBARTFAST EXPLAINS !
Slartybartfast
CATTLE MUTILATIONS
Slartybartfast Explains ::
The below introduction was written by Robert Stack :
During the early 70s farmers throughout the United States began to
discover cattle lying in their field"s, their entrails removed and no
signs of footprints or activity could be found at the sites where these
cattle mutilations occurred.
Many speculated that Aliens were responsible for these bizarre and
untoward activity In an effort to discover the TRUTH . Slartybartfast
the
great paranormal investigator was contacted by various shady characters
from the neswgroup known as Alt Alien .Visitors
After exhaustive research and consumption of large quantities of beer
with local resident in these mutilation areas, Slarty revealed that
these
mutilations were in fact of the Human nature and not activity that might
be associated with Aliens or govt conspiracies. Traces of dingleberry
beer were discovered at one sight and small fragments of pre-stretched
bunjy cord were on occasion found at other sights And even in one
location a set of dentures was recovered .
Using his great investigative skills and a phone call to the
Dingelberry
beer brewery and Chickens feet processing plant, Slarty was able to
track
down the sole consumers of dingleberry beer in Minnesota and from here
began a bizarre series of events which revealed the true nature of
CATTLE
MUTILATIONS !!!!!!
The following Extracts are taken directly from the Memoirs of
Slartybartfast:
July 10th 1995 , 4:59 PM
I found myself sitting in the small bar at the frootloopville Minnesota
townsite,I was waiting for the local Been processing plant to close for
the day and the workers would as usual stop bye the local bar for a
drink. The population of the town was only 27 people, It didn't seem
like
it was going to be difficult to discover the identity of the dingleberry
beer drinkers and follow them to uncover their activity and associate
them with the ongoing Mutilation cases in the area.
Sure enough the first of a group of people walked into the small dark
and
shabby bar they Paid no attention to myself as i wore a disguise of
Coveralls a straw hat and of course farting loudly, as is the custom of
the local bean farming community . The workers wore attire similar in
nature, ragged torn and well worn from a hard days toil. The first of a
group of four sat at the bar and mumbled his order to the barman The
man
was large and ugly he wore a wedding ring, I couldn't understand
what it was that women found appealing in men like this ,as a man it
appeared logical to me that if I were female I would become a lesbian
this idea also helped me to explain my constant need to be with women,
Indeed I had come to the conclusion that I was a lesbian trapped in a
mans body .
I watched the man spit a large wad of chewing tobacco onto the dust
covered wooden floor. Suddenly the barman returned from the kitchen area
and gave him a cup of Earl grey tea an order of Scones and a delicate
looking lace Napkin. the other men had similar orders of bre-cheese, gin
fizzies, Shirley temples and one fellow seemed to be eating what looked
like a delicate cream puff pastry, Using my highly
honed skills of deductive reasoning I surmised their was nothing
abnormal going on here, other workers shuffled in and as yet none had
ordered Dingleberry beer, The farting and jovial nature of the bean
plant
operators was a welcome releif from my usual daily meetings at my Skin
care Institute.
Some hours had passed when finally a little grey haired old lady of
about
85 shuffled into the bar .She wore a long blue floral dress with an
apron
attached , I noticed she was wearing the latest in Granny fashions from
the Long and toothless Mail order fashion catalog , She sat at the bar
and their I watched as she consumed several Flaming shots of Sambuca ,
Tequela and then ordered a case of Dingleberry beer and proceeded to
leave the Building ,
This was it, Undoubtably this was the person I was looking for , she had
a suspicious air about her and muttered allot indicating she was either
old or had no teeth , I noticed she had reddened ankles indicating this
person was either a bunjy jump instructor or had been partaking in
unnatural sexual activities and clearly employing the assistance of the
model 5 Ajax bondage and rafter swinging mechanical apparatus, I was
familiar with this type of equipment as had recently had the
opportunity
to see it in action whilst I had been investigating a case
ofBigfootprints in the Whitehouse vegetable garden,
The maid claimed it was used bye the First lady as a form of
chiropractic assistance. I am still unsure as to why when I first
encountered this equipment their was a small donkey strapped into it.
I began to wonder if granny here also claimed to have a slipped disk ?
Her brisk movements as she shuffled her hunched body and clubbed
foot
across the floor indicated that her health was quite good ,The awkward
hunched position was clearly a trait common among Americas bean farming
communities, The continuous and forceful Flatulence associated with
these
people and attributed to their bean rich diets necessitated the forward
hunched position of the body to counteract the constant and everpresent
threatening menace of whiplash.
I watched her strap her case of dingleberry beer onto the back of cherry
red harley fat boy, Quickly Swiftly and very Suavely I crossed the road
and started my car, I cruised down the road behind her in my i
nconspicuous rented 1946 ford Slightly modified ambulance , ( it was the
only rental in town ) darkness was soon upon us and I pulled over as
the
granny turned off the main highway onto a gravel road that led to a
small decrepit looking farm house,
I waited another 15 mins until the skies had become dark enough that I
could move about unseen and then crossed through the field in the
direction of the Farm house, as I Approached I noticed activity in the
back yard . It looked like little granny and several other little
elderly
ladies were inflating a hot air balloon. Right away I suspected
something was going on here , these Nocturnal activities didn't appear
to
be the usual activities you might encounter at the shady pines rest
home
Using my superior powers of deductive reasoning I surmised that These
Metamucill mammas were clearly up to no good.
I noticed Their were 4 of them and I watched them pile into the Hot
air
balloon and release an anchor line , They began a slow ascent and after
a
short period reached as altitude of about 50 feet , silently the craft
moved through the night skies, I returned to my car and with the
headlights off I began to follow them as the made their progress above
the gently undulating landscape, Fortunately I had as usual packed
into my rucksack a wide and diverse range of stealth investigators
equipment .
I reached into the bag and sitting beside my inspector gadget
multipurpose overcoat were my night vision goggles and with this
equipment I was able to guide myself through the winding gravel farm
roads with the skill and agility of an African gazelle .
I followed them for approx an hour before I noticed some activity in
the
balloons basket, the balloon was directly over a farm where cattle were
sleeping quietly, A figure was being lowered toward the ground , I was
expecting to see this and as I suspected she was attached to a bunjy
cord.
I noticed that this intrepid bunjy dangling granny was hanging upside
down whilst the balloon still swept across the field in a slow and
controlled flight , I watched as granny attached a rope to a sleeping
cow
and then feverishly clubbed it across the head with a small baseball
bat
and then she began to skilfully butcher the beast . I was able to
leave the car and enter into the field where I could Photograph this
creature being skillfully disemboweled by this butchering vision of
geriatric hell , who hanging upside down carved with the skill and
deftness of a deranged Lyposuction surgeon going berserk .
A small bucket was lowered from the balloon overhead and the entrails
placed into it, once full it was hoisted back into the basket hanging
above , They moved across the field in this stealth like manner for the
better part of 3 hrs, possibly 12 cows had been dissected in this
bizarre
and unusual manner.
The wind began to pick up and they were having trouble lassoing
slumbering cattle to the balloon . One of the ropes connecting the
balloon to a cow below gave way and the balloon took off across the
field
The little old lady bouncing precariously beneath the basket impacted
hideously straight into a fence post and proceeded to whack into a
combine harvester , She was quickly after this hauled back into the
basket overhead.
Shortly after the balloon was brought to earth deflated and the basket
and its gruesome cargo were shouldered into the back of a small truck
which had appeared beside the road just prior to its landing .
They made their way back to the f arm house and I watched from the
shrubs
as they unloaded their booty and formed a human chain which passed
buckets of entrails down through the stor m doors and into the basement,
after the last one was passed along this chain they proceeded down into
the basement and closed the storm doors behind them.
I moved in closer to the house, I reached into my back pocket and
produced my multi purpose one piece magnifying glass lock picker /
automotive squeegee which I used to wipe away a layer of scum which had
built up on the window. In the basement I could see a large pot coking
on an open fire the grannies were shuffling about adding things here and
chopping things their, it looked like some kind of twisted satanic
cannibal cookery was occurring. It was no wonder these ladies
weren't sought after residents at the Lone pines rest home for the
elderly.
It was getting late and their were allot of scary and troubling noises
coming from the nearby woods, I decided it was time to get back to the
bar/hotel and get some sleep for the night, As i drove back i devised a
plan to get a closer look at that boiling broth in the clear light of
day .
At the hotel I asked the manager to have the rental vehicle washed and
cleaned , earlier in the evening whilst I was driving with the
assistance
of my night vision goggles , several animals and a tree had unusually
committed suicide by leaping in front of my speeding vehicle. I
suspected that the recent bombardment of solar flair waves was having an
effect on the limited brain capacity of these creatures , causing them
to
behave in this erratic and deadly manner.
I had come across this same phenomenon once before in the Alaskan
tundra
when I was investigating a suspected UFO landing site . I had at that
time consumed a quart of Tequila and a small bottle of cognac to help
keep me warm in the cold and dank Alaskan night . At the time I was
driving back to the Camp from the site in the Late evening when a moose
lunged erratically into the oncoming headlights , these bizarre suicides
occurred throughout the entire trip back to the base camp . by the time
i
had returned I had altercations with 2 moose several geese a large
bear
and something that looked like a Australian Koala, I kept the Koala and
I
now use it as a rug in front of my fire place, its a little small but I
believe it is quite an attractive item and works like a charm in keeping
my feet warm on cold nights.
I awoke at about 7 clock and after a shower and a fresh change of
coveralls I went to the dining room , the Special for the Day was re
fried beans, bean soup and Baked bean omelet, I wanted to keep up my
clever disguise so I ordered double of everything, the few locals that
were eating here eyed me with suspicion, I smiled at them and farted
loudly, they smiled back I could see that my behavior had set them
at ease and although I was a stranger I felt that I had been accepted in
the community .
After a healthy breakfast and a lengthy visit to the Bathroom I went out
to where the vehicle was parked I was relieved to see that the rental
had
been washed as I had requested. Unfortunately the Manager hadn't been
able to remove the Large Antelope looking creature from the radiator and
so its head remained wedged into the grill . I drove off unpreturbed
about this and set off in the direction of the Farmhouse where the
Ghoulish grannies were no doubt toiling away at their warped and unusual
labors.
I heard on the radio reports of cattle mutilations and new that it was
the ones I had witnessed the night before. I pulled into the gravel
driveway that led up to the house and noticed a truck was being loaded
with boxes from the basement. One of the grannies hurriedly stumbled
down the steps from the front of the house as I was pulling into the
courtyard , In a deceptively sweet and fragile voice She asked what I
wanted here, I told her I had a flat tire and needed to use the phone,
she eyed me suspiciously and I could see that behind that placid facade
lurked the twisted tormented mind of a deranged hog slaughter hand .
As goes with slaughterhands , tragically the constant inhalation of
formaldehyde used in the cleaning process shrivels the mind eventually
rendering them brainless and in men, strangely impotent.
She gestured to the front door ,Cautiously I proceeded to enter the
house, I noticed a oddly familiar odor hanging in the air . The phone
was situated atop an old table In the hallway , I began to dial a
number
any number it didn't matter it was just a rouse to get inside the home ,
I could hear the spooky old granny fumbling about behind me ,
suddenly
a door opened from the cellar and before me appeared a nightmarish sight
it was the bunjy granny I had observed the night before,
she was wearing white coveralls , they were stained thickly with blood
and smatterings of dried entrails clung menacingly to her apron .
About her waist hung the tools of a slaughter person in her hand a Meat
clever. I looked back , the other granny behind me looked startled ,
then suddenly she produced a set of size 9 knitting needles the really
big ones that visually impaired elderly people knit with. I was scared,
it looked ugly this could be the end,
I remembered the Memory enhancement course I had taken early in my life
,whilst studying the techniques of the karma sutra at mistress wangs
Sexual enhancement and young ladies finishing school at a secret
location
somewhere in the Orient.
Quickly Swiftly and Suavely I applied memory management technique number
2 which involved the art of making people see things which weren't their
, I pointed up at the ceiling and said "oh look termites" I seized the
opportunity to escape when the simple minded and easily misguided
grannies simultaneously looked toward the ceiling. Using my enhanced
memory I recalled my Japanese ninja training and leapt through the air
barrel rolling over the top of the kn ife weilding granny from hell and
skillfully negotiated the stairs in leaps and bounds and soon was
standing at second floor .
The grannies were clearly startled by my swift and spectacular escape, I
leered at then in contempt and laughed heartily at their stupidity ,
Then
I observed the granny with the knitting needles , upon her left
shoulder
was a tattoo of a hamster being roasted on a spit over an open fire. I
was alarmed as I immediately recognized that this was the mark worn only
bye the dreaded and most secret society of the purple headed ninjas.
Swiftly accurately and not so suavely she hurled her needles towards me
I leapt to the left cartwheeling across the floor as the spears of the
death slammed into the wall behind me .
I ran hurriedly down the hall and into a bedroom at the end of the
hallway, I locked the door behind me and made my way to the window,
below
the truck driver was closing the doors and preparing to leave. swiftly I
leapt to the window ledge and then in one precise and calculated motion
I
leapt to the roof of the truck below , the truck pulled away with me
spread eagled clinging to its roof, hahahahah, A brilliant escape,
I reached for my trusty Swiss army knife with the corkscrew attachment
and handy soup spoon using the well worn can opener I was able to cut a
hole in the vehicles roof. I thrust my hand inside and from a carton i
produced a small jar, I looked it in surprise. I had finally discovered
the true meaning behind these dastardly cattle mutilations, .
In my hand I held a Jar of Paul Newmans secret pasta sauce, It was the
secret sauce, The pieces fell into place I new what was going on, the
Grannies had been hired by the Newman company to produce his secret
sauce
in private an unknown location far from the prying eyes of the FDA and
competitors who would likely kill for his recipes. The jig was up I
thought of weather or not to inform the authorities . It was quite
illegal to use these particular parts of cattle in anything other than
Oscar Mayer weenies to call the police meant that the flow of secret
sauce to the world would be stopped and no doubt no prison in the world
would hold these resourceful and acrobatic little old ladies and
they would unquestionably dedicate their lives to tracking me down and
seeking their revenge.
I struggled with the thought of what to do for some days, I viewed the
possibilities from all angles . It was a personal debate of which the
outcome couldmean my eventual death at the hands of a devious and
scheming group of deranged psychotic elderly ladies. After mass debate
I decided I liked the damn sauce too much and it would be wrong to
deprive the world of this delicious and highly sought after commodity.
To
this day the Location of the farm house remains Unknown to the general
public and the reason for the success of this operation and the need
for
its secrecy is well ,lets just say its in the sauce.