My busy day
Peter
football on a plane you know....there I was, running up the wing. Ahh,
Black beauty, now there's a dark horse! So I went into this video shop, and
the man asked if I'd like to rent Batman Forever - I said 'No...just for 2
hours.' This man pushed me into a bag of peanuts, so I told the police -
they asked me if I was assaulted - I said 'No - dry roasted.'
I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said 'I bet you $5 you
can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf'. ' I'm not
gambling!' I said, 'The steaks are too high' I was in a Chinese restaurant
when a duck came up to me with a rose and said: 'Your eyes sparkle like the
stars'. So I said to the waiter: 'Excuse me, I ordered aromatic duck'
I threw some snow at my girlfriend. She didn't catch my drift. Did you hear
Handle has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket? They've formed The Doors. I
was taking the motorway out of Brisbane. A policeman pulled me over and
said: 'Put it back'. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two
schoolbags - he's bisatchel. A man came up to me and cut the bottom of my
trouser leg off and send it to the library. So that was a turn-up for the
books.
You know how most barbers' chairs go up and down? Well this one went from
side to side. The barber turned to me and said: 'Get out of the filing
cabinet.' I've got a sponge door....don't knock it. I've got an auntie,
Auntie Aircraft Gun. That woman don't half give me a load of flak. So I
took my dog for a walk and it was really angry - well it would be it's a
cross breed.
I tell you what is close to my heart at the moment. My left lung. So I said
to my Mum 'I'm going to the funfair' - she said 'Oooooh will you go on the
Ghostrain?' - I said 'No, I'll walk.' I had a cat called Minton who
swallowed a shuttlecock. I said 'Bad Minton.' I saw a bargain the other
day, a TV set for $1. Only problem was the volume control which was stuck
on full. Come on, how can you turn that down? I used to go shoplifting on
the shoulders of a load of vampires. Then I got caught and charged with
burglary on three counts. So I went to Buckingham Palace to cut Prince
William's hair. I said to the policeman, 'Can you let me in to the car
park, I'm here to cut Prince William's hair?' The policeman said 'Have you
got a permit?' - I said, 'No, just a bit off the back' I was driving down
the motorway and someone rang me up on my mobile to say that I'd been
promoted to a director. I was in such a shock that I skidded to the left.
Later, they rang back and said that I was now the managing director, so I
veered the car to the right. Finally, they rang up and said that I was the
chairman, and I drove right into the hard shoulder. Yes, I'd careered off
the road. I once saw a bunch of Swedish people playing the didgeridoo. I
thought: 'That's ABBAoriginal'.
So I was half way up this mountain, and I met this bloke who started
having a go at me. I said to him 'What's your problem?' and he said 'I
don't like your altitude' I saw a group of Vikings singing 'YMCA'....they
were called The Pillage People! So I was having a meal with World Chess
Champion Gary Kasparov in a restaurant - it took him two and a half hours
to pass the salt... After the meal he called me a pepper-pot. I took it as
a condiment.