Dealing with spam
Kadaitcha Man
To: "Chad Stearns" <ch...@firstplacesoftware.com>
References: <auto-000...@smtp.firstplacesoftware.com>
Subject: Re: Kad did I do something wrong?
Date: Thu, 21 Mar 2002 08:16:22 +1100
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Subject: Kad did I do something wrong?
Why do you ask? Do you have an insecurity that you would like to talk about?
> I noticed that you downloaded the WebPosition Gold trial (January
> 2002) but never got around to purchasing. Was there something
> wrong with the product or did you have any questions or concerns
> I failed to answer? If so, please let me know!
I don't know if there was anything wrong it with or not. I just
couldn't be arsed to find out.
> I got to thinking that maybe you loaded up the program but
> felt a little overwhelmed by everything WebPosition Gold can
> do?
Not everybody is like you, Chad. Some of us aren't intimidated so easily.
> I can understand that.
You sound like a psychiatrist. I think you need one.
> There's nothing else on the market
> that packs all the functionality together that WebPosition
> offers for promoting your site to the search engines. In
> fact, it does SO MUCH for you that some of my customers have
> mentioned that it would sure be nice if I could sit down and
> walk them through the whole program step by step.
You need to be careful about that Chad. There are some very ugly, very fat
and sweaty, frustrated women out there, Chad. They might take up your
implied offer to come over and "do it" for them. Or are you gay, Chad?
> Have you
> felt this way?
Unlike you, Chad, I'm not predisposed to revealing my feelings to faceless
gits I would not know from a bar of soap.
> I truly want to do everything in my power to help you be successful
> with your Web site. I am absolutely convinced WebPosition
> Gold can help you achieve this goal or I'd not be e-mailing
> you today.
Sure you would, Chad. Your personality is so weak, I'm sure you'd convince
yourself that selling me bags of cow shit would help me be successful in
some bizzare way.
> With that in mind, I'd like to make you an offer
> that I feel should guarantee your success.
I hope you're not going to ask to come over and do it for me, Chad.
> We sell a training video that runs on your computer and walks
> you through the entire program. The video normally sells
> for $39. However, if you'll go ahead and purchase WebPosition
> Gold before April 1st, I've been authorized to give you the
> video absolutely free!
Thirty nine US bucks? Is the presenter a naked blonde with big hooters?
> To further ensure your success, if you'll go ahead and purchase
> WebPosition Gold by April 1st, I'll include a free copy of
> our "Meta Magician" software, which sells separately for $49.
Now you've got me pissing my pants laughing, Chad. April 1st... April Fools
Day... WebPosition Fools Gold... nice connection eh? You're a fun guy.
> You might say Meta Magician "magically" inserts, updates,
> or deletes META tags for all your Web pages in just seconds.
Have you always considered simple find and replace funcionality to be magic,
Chad? You know, it's easy to see how you could have fallen into that trap.
> This further improves your odds of achieving top 10 rankings,
> while saving you precious time.
But, Chad, what makes you think that I am driven by greed? Not everyone is
like you, Chad.
> If the free video and Meta Magician were not sure bets to gaining
> those top rankings, I'll include iProspect's well-respected
> step-by-step book, "Secrets To Achieving A TOP 10 Position."
> This comprehensive guide sells separately for $99 on our Web
> site and it's a great tool for learning all there is to know
> about search engine positioning.
But, WAIT! There's more! If I take up this fabulous offer right now, you'll
include a set of Japanese stainless steel knives (made in China), a free
Barbie Makeup Kit, PLUS, you'll throw in your mother-in-law!
> The best part is that we'll be providing you with FREE product
> support. Why buy from someone else who is going to charge
> you $50 per call or put you on hold for hours? Take a stand
> against industry norms and purchase a product from a company
> that is committed to providing free, fast, quality support.
But, Chad, you don't seem to see the light. I'm taking a stand against
industry norms right now.
> For your complete piece of mind,
Chad, my mind isn't in pieces. Did you mean something else? Peace, maybe?
> I've added a 45-day money-back
Chad, you send me an e-mail like this every couple of weeks. It's more like
a 45-day monkey on my back. You know what I mean?
> guarantee to everything. If WebPosition Gold and the included
> bonuses don't help you build traffic to your Web site and
> increase your profits, return it for a full refund.
That's really very kind of you, Chad. I'd love to increase my traffic for
free. You see, it's a free public service site, so I don't advertise, and I
don't sell anything... so I can't increase my profit. Zero times two is
still a big fat zero, Chad. Yes, maybe I'll take you up on it... but I don't
want you to come over to my place.
> It's
> really that simple.
Like you.
> And even if you decide not to keep WebPosition
> Gold, you can keep the special report (all 110 pages!), the
> training video, and the Meta Magician software as my personal
> gift to you for giving us a chance! It's just my way of saying,
> "thank you for trying WebPosition!"
I'll send them back. I'd rather you didn't feel we were still attached in
any way.
> You know WebPosition works and FirstPlace Software stands behind
> their products 110%.
Don't start selling beds, Chad.
> So what are you waiting for? Order
> risk-free right now at:
>
> https://www.webposition.com/cgi-local/d.pl?o=fvsb1
>
> If you should have any questions or concerns, feel free to
> e-mail me or give us a call.
I have concerns, Chad. For your mental state.
> I want to help!
No, Chad. You want help.
> I know you're
> going to be thrilled with the results.
No, Chad. I'm not really interested in the results of your psychiatric
reports. But, please, do send them anyway. Maybe I'll get a laugh out of
them.
> Respectfully,
>
> Chad Stearns
> Customer Service Dept.
> FirstPlace Software, Inc.
> http://www.webposition.com
> 1-800-962-4855
>
> P.S.: Don't forget, you must order WebPosition Gold by April
> 1st using the order link above to receive your $187 worth
> of free bonuses. It's all backed by our "you must be 100%
> thrilled or your money-back guarantee" so how can you go wrong?
But, Chad, just a little while ago, you wrote, and I quote...
> I've added a 45-day money-back
> guarantee to everything. If WebPosition Gold and the included
> bonuses don't help you build traffic to your Web site and
> increase your profits, return it for a full refund.
Which is it, Chad? I must be 100% thrilled or make a profit?
Send a blonde over. I'll see if I can feel thrilled for you.
> P.S.S. If you want me to remove you from my client follow
> up list just reference webpo...@kadaitcha.cjb.net or ID
> 925473 and I'll take care of it asap.
No, Chad. I'm not going to do that. You are. We have laws here that clearly
state I have to do nothing other than tell you to take me off your list. So
take me off your list. You wouldn't want to be branded a criminal as well as
a sick and perverted, morally bankrupt biological freak of nature, would
you?
--
Kadaitcha Man
Moderator: alt.os.windows-xp