CHANDRA LEVY FOUND DEAD
cattlovrr
Washington, D.C. -- July 7, 2001 (United News Service) Police in Virginia
today verified that they have found the brutalized remains of Chandra Levy,
the 24-year-old intern who has been closely linked with California Rep. Gary
Condit, 53. Dental records confirmed that they body was that of the brunette
whose face has become known to millions of Americans since her disappearance
more than two weeks ago. Authorities said preliminary tests showed that
Chandra had recently had sexual intercourse.
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Chandra Levy is our new Anne Frank.
Like the World War II poster child that is her namesake, both are diarists
who favor the kind of inanities that are the trademark of empty-headed
women in their mid-20s for whom a married older man with a stiff penis is
the very definition of a life fulfilled.
Chandra's final musings had her marrying her Congressman and having his
baby--but only after Condit legitimized their out-of-wedlock humping by
promising her that he would divorce his current wife with whom he has a
daughter that is precisely Chandra's age.
That Chandra bought Condit's manipulation doesn't say much for her chances
of being named Mensa's "Woman of the Year." Even posthumously.
Like her sister--the sexually rapacious Jewess, Monica Lewinsky--the
brunette Ms. Chandra clearly had a hankering for men with political power.
Maybe she also fancied sperm-soaked party dresses from the Gap.
Both Monica and Chandra are women who probably masturbated using rolled up
copies of the Congressional Record.
Now Chandra is dead and Suspect Number One is her blow-dried Congressman.
Which is sure to further anger the equally dizzy flight attendant who just
announced that she's been spreading-leg for Condit, too. Take that, you
silly dead intern!
The flight attendant, 39-year-old Anne Marie Smith, did a great Mother Mary
by primly huffing that she refused to sign an affidavit proffered by Condit
wherein she was to deny that they ever had a relationship. Apparently this
is a bimbo who will happily screw a married man but takes the moral high
ground when asked to lie about it. We guess this aces next year's Nobel
Peace Prize.
As is now a common practice in our sophisticated times, everyone in
Chandra's family has now hired professional public relations firms who issue
dueling press releases that recall a memorable scene from "Deliverance."
The latest is Linda Zamsky, an aunt who ironically looks like the sire of
two in-breeding Appalachian hillbillies.
Zamsky's "spokesperson" (apparently the Aunt is too distraught psyching
herself up for a $50,000 fee to appear on "Geraldo" that she can't form a
sentence on her own) says that Chandra confessed to her that the California
Democrat was sticking her like a Garment District pin cushion.
Chandra's parents also have a spokesperson. These flacks trot out the weepy
Levys for a daily viewing in front of the cameras like they were filming a
"stop kicking helpless puppies" public service ad. In a coup, the PR firm
even propped the grieving parents next to Senator Barbara Boxer who
immediately introduced legislation calling for the mandatory castration of
all males holding elective office.
Next up is Chandra's funeral.
We're betting that serial publicity hounds who never knew Chandra will show
up like acne on a 15-year-old. Gloria Allred, Susan Sarandon and Cher will
crash the funeral like it's the Academy Awards. (Cher: "I'd like to thank
the Levy's for creating Chandra, and I'd like to thank Chandra without whose
death this publicity stunt...uh funeral...would never have been possible.")
Now if only Congressman Condit would start dating Madonna.
J.D. Baldwin
In the previous article, cattlovrr <catt...@earthlink.net> wrote:
> Washington, D.C. -- July 7, 2001 (United News Service) Police in
What news agency would file a story detailing things "Virginia police"
said from Washington, DC? And, by the way, *which* police in
Virginia?
I enjoy some of this stuff, but you can do a little better than that.
Some interesting real developments in this case today indicate that
police, while they deny targeting Condit, are targeting Condit in
their investigation.
--
_+_ From the catapult of |If anyone disagrees with any statement I make, I
_|70|___:)=}- J.D. Baldwin |am quite prepared not only to retract it, but also
\ / bal...@panix.com|to deny under oath that I ever made it. -T. Lehrer
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