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The 20 Most Badass Last Words Ever Uttered
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Bill Schenley
Jan 10, 2012, 1:22:16 AM1/10/12
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The 11 Most Badass Last Words Ever Uttered
FROM: Cracked.com ~
By, Ian Cheesman
Hello there, dear readers. We hope you're having a wonderful day. We just
wanted to take a moment to remind you that you are most likely going to die
in total obscurity.
Sad, we know, but it doesn't have to be that way.
Everyone hopes to leave a legacy. To be remembered after our passing is the
closest thing humans have to immortality, at least until cryogenics figures
out how to reanimate Walt Disney's head.
Some people try to pull off immortality with a lifetime of achievements and
noble acts. But why piss away all that energy on altruism when you can
simply spout one badass quote before you take the dirt nap and live on
through eternity known as a guy who needed a second casket for his balls?
While we can't all pioneer nanosurgery or discover the Higgs boson, we can
all plot out something epic to say with our dying breath. Hopefully history
will remember us for our sick burns and ballsy braggadocio, even if it
forgets everything else. Hey, it worked for the folks below.
---
#20. Last Words Of: Lawrence of Rome/Saint Lorenzo
http://tinyurl.com/78442gr
These days most theological discussions break down thusly:
Person 1: I believe in X.
Person 2: I believe in Y.
Person 1: You're a Nazi fag.
Back in the third century, these interactions had much the same flavor, but
the stakes were a bit different:
Person 1: I believe in X.
Person 2: I believe in Y.
Person 1: Why don't you believe in X? I would love to explore your belief
system further in hopes of bridging our -- hahaha just kidding; I've already
set you on fire.
Lawrence of Rome was one of seven deacons in charge of the riches of the
Catholic church. The Roman prefect apparently got a memo that Rome would
really appreciate more riches (you don't say?), so he demanded that the
church turn them over. Pope Sixtus II, already condemned to death,
instructed Lawrence to distribute the church's jewels and treasures to the
poor. And he did so.
When asked by the prefect to produce that wealth, Lawrence gestured to the
crowd of peasants and said that they were truly the riches of the church. As
emotionally stirring as that quote was, the prefect's lifelong hatred of
ham-fisted Hallmark card metaphors manifested itself in an immediate death
sentence for Lawrence of Rome.
"This side is done."
#19 Last Words Of: Joan Crawford
http://tinyurl.com/7dpboyj
Dang! This, uh ... really raises the bar for "defiantly blasphemous last
words of celebrity actresses." Unless Anne Hathaway gets terminal cancer and
tells God to "make sure he's wearing clean underwear, because I don't want
my feet to get shitty while I'm kicking his ass," Crawford will probably
reign supreme in the Best Sacrilege from a Supporting Actress category for
decades.
Since most of our grandparents are too disappointed in our life choices to
read this site, we're going to go ahead and clarify that Joan Crawford was a
silver screen icon, best known for films like the 1945 Mildred Pierce, where
she shouted more dudes to pieces than a Dovahkiin. In general, Joan Crawford
was a stubborn, headstrong, unruly bitch in the most awesome sense of each
of those words. So it's no wonder that, on her deathbed, her last moments
were spent reprimanding a housekeeper who'd had the audacity to pray for
Crawford's soul within earshot. She died a Unitarian, so we're not sure if
she was offended at the religious presumption of the maid or if she just
didn't want God to think she needed help from any man.
"Damn it, don't you DARE ask God to help me."
#18 Last Words Of: George Danton
http://tinyurl.com/6s9htvc
During the rise of the French Revolution, Georges Danton was a prominent
mouthpiece for popular sovereignty and was among those who voted for the
beheading of King Louis XVI. The ensuing emergence of conflicting political
factions led to more beheadings, counter-beheadings and casual Friday
beheadings, and even produced a small contingent of revolutionary hipsters
who mostly whined about being into beheading way before everyone else.
Danton's rise to power alternately placed him in harmony and disrepute with
those manning the guillotine. It was simply a matter of time before he
finally fell afoul of Robespierre (easily the guillotiniest guy during the
Reign of Terror).
Danton's final demand that the executioner consider his head a treasured
keepsake in an era when the severed head market was absolutely saturated was
as courageous as it was arrogant. It's the sort of bragging that we wouldn't
hear again until the age of modern hip-hop ... if modern hip-hop started
from the assumption that every rapper was about to have his head chopped
off.
"You'll show my head to the crowd: It is worth seeing."
It was also an especially ballsy thing to say for a guy who looks like a
cross between Miss Piggy and Jack Black.
#17 Last Words Of: Hannie Schaft
http://tinyurl.com/6tksf9p
As callous as it sounds, it's not surprising that people doomed to be
executed manage to summon some pretty choice last words. Knowing your fate
is sealed and having ample time to stew over it really gets the creative
juices going. It's why our writers always do their best pieces at gunpoint,
which works out great, since we have no shortage of people eager to hold
guns to their heads. And yet, Hannie Schaft still manages to up the ante
with the cutting brevity of her last words.
And hurt they must have, since the soldiers who were botching the execution
were using a fucking machine pistol.
"Ik schiet beter!" -- "I could shoot better!"
#16 Last Words Of: Fabrizzio Quattrocchi
http://tinyurl.com/7rarker
In 2004, an insurgency group calling itself the Green Brigade of the Prophet
took four Italians working in Iraq hostage and shot an execution video,
which they then sent to Al Jazeera television. Instead of inspiring fear and
terror in the hearts of their enemies, however, the whole thing served to
make the group look like a bunch of rookies who needed war lessons from
their substantially more put-together captives. When it became apparent that
Fabrizzio Quattrocchi was going to be killed, he tried to tear off his own
hood and shouted his last, instructive words: "Now I'll show you how an
Italian dies!"
So, what's the answer? How does an Italian die?
Well, a lot like anybody else, really. Except a whole hell of a lot cooler,
and while making his killers look like the utter assholes that they are.
"Now I'll show you how an Italian dies!"
#15 Last Words Of: Joe Hill
http://tinyurl.com/87fdsja
Before sharing Joe Hill's story, it is important to note that he didn't die
in an actual fire. We'd save that sort of example for the article "Last
Words of People Who Succinctly Summarized the Circumstances of Their
Impending Death."
Hill was an immigrant laborer in the early 1900s. This time period was not
particularly kind to itinerant workers in America, and Hill frequently faced
underemployment, harsh working conditions and lopsided contracts with his
employers.
Unsurprisingly, he embraced the working class's frustrations and became a
fervent member of the Industrial Workers of the World (IWW) labor union. He
inspired the group through scathing political cartoons and pro-union anthems
such as "There Is Power in a Union" and "Casey Jones -- the Union Scab." His
less-celebrated hit "U n Me, Gurl (Dat's a Union)" is seldom mentioned.
It has been speculated that his prominent involvement in the IWW led to him
being railroaded into a murder charge by The Man. Hill came under suspicion
when he was treated for a bullet wound mere minutes after masked men started
a gunfight in a local butcher shop, killing both the owner and his son. Hill
had no motive, no other corroborating evidence put him there and he was
actually one of five men treated for bullet wounds on the night of the
murders. Still, a jury of his peers saw it otherwise:
Hill was sentenced to death by firing squad. His last word, "FIRE!"
preempted the executioner's "Ready ... aim ..." countdown. He wanted to his
last act to remind the squad who they really worked for: the people.
Or Hill's own giant balls. We're not sure which he meant, really.
"Fire!"
#14 Last Words Of: Lavinia Fisher
http://tinyurl.com/8422dmh
On February 18, 1820, Lavinia Fisher and her husband/accomplice John were
executed for their roles in a series of murders that took place at their
tavern.
While her husband was busy begging the crowd for forgiveness and putting all
the blame on his wife, Lavinia took a slightly different tack: She figured
she'd need to stay busy in hell, and so she spent her last words applying to
be the devil's postman.
Lavinia then trumped her executioners by jumping off the scaffolding and
hanging herself before they could do it (and probably screw it up. If we've
learned one thing from the other entries here, it's that executions are like
handjobs; if you want it done right, you do it yourself).
Witnesses stated that they would never forget the baleful glare or cruel
sneer that froze on Lavinia's face in death. Nor presumably the double birds
she was flipping behind her back.
"If any of you have a message to give the devil, give it to me quick -- I'm
about to meet him!"
#13 Last Words Of: Breaker Morant
http://tinyurl.com/893h6pw
Harry "Breaker" Morant was an Australian soldier serving Britain during the
Second Boer War in South Africa. He is best known in America for being
featured in an eponymous Academy Award-nominated movie back in 1980 ...
which is to say, he's not really known at all.
Morant was nicknamed "Breaker" because of his much-touted ability to break
horses, though his less thoroughly documented B-Boy skillz may have been
another contributor. Historical accounts vary widely as to how many of his
controversial military decisions were driven by standing policies versus the
fog of war. But one thing is for sure: Morant was either justified in the
execution of two unarmed African prisoners and a German missionary, or he
wasn't.
We here at Cracked will stand by that statement adamantly.
Morant was arrested for the aforementioned crimes and sentenced to death.
Regardless of his guilt or innocence, Breaker deserves some respect for
having possibly the best first name ever, and also for simultaneously
chastising and motivating his executioners with his last words, just before
his death by firing squad: "Shoot straight, you bastards! Don't make a mess
of it!"
It was exactly the kind of frank leadership a good military values ... when
they're not executing those leaders for war crimes, of course.
"Shoot straight, you bastards!"
#12 Last Words Of: Karl Marx
http://tinyurl.com/3mkyxt2
For better or worse, everybody has to acknowledge that Marx's writings in
the Communist Manifesto and Das Kapital are possibly the most important
political documents of the 19th century. His words were important; that much
is fact.
And he looked like a homeless lycanthrope. That part is also indisputable.
In 1883, Marx was about to breathe his last, and the only person on hand was
his housekeeper. Now housemaids, as we've learned from Joan Crawford, were,
up until recently, primarily employed for their ability to harangue and
bungle the last moments of the sick and dying. Kind of like a reverse
hospice service. And Marx's woman was no exception: Despite having been
employed by his family for four decades, she didn't know enough about the
man to avoid asking for his profound and meaningful last thoughts. When he
roared his (ironically very quotable) last words, she skittered from the
room to let the man die in surly silence.
Marx was survived by his wife, three children and epic hobo wolfman beard,
which could only be killed by a silver razor. Some say, on quiet nights, it
can still be heard howling for change in the streets.
"Go away! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!"
#11 Last Words Of: Carl Panzram
http://tinyurl.com/89nr79h
You may know the term "Hoosier" (meaning people from Indiana) from that Gene
Hackman movie about the basketball team. Apparently people from there are
really good at teamwork and jump shots, and really bad at executing people
quickly.
Now, far be it from us to glorify the defiance of a convicted serial killer,
but Carl Panzram did make an interesting point about the mire of bureaucracy
versus individual enterprise. If the guy you're executing thinks you're
taking too long, you need to rethink the process. Or perhaps Carl was just
angry as fuck and wanted to shout something before he was hanged.
"Hurry up, you Hoosier bastard, I could kill ten men while you're fooling
around."
#10 Last Words Of: Sitting Bull
http://tinyurl.com/79ubrqm
Sitting Bull is of course best known for leading the Sioux tribe in their
righteous whooping of General Custer's troops at the Battle of Little
Bighorn. In the years since he became a performer in Wild West shows and a
civil rights figurehead for the Native Americans and, we suppose, quietly
wept over people thoughtlessly littering.
In 1890 the US Department of Extracting Blood From a Stone sent officials
after Sitting Bull, out of fear he was going to stir up resistance among the
Sioux in the area. Faced with 43 members of the Indian Affairs police,
Sitting Bull refused to leave with them. He issued the statement below and
somebody started shooting and things went downhill from there.
Chief Sitting Bull deserves double credit in this entry because he was also
responsible for Custer's reputedly hilarious last words of "Hurrah, Boys!
Let's get these last few reds then head on back to camp. Hurrah!" Seriously.
"I am not going. Do with me what you like. I am not going. Come on! Come
on! Take action! Let's go!"
#9 Last Words Of: George Engel
http://tinyurl.com/7zrxl7k
The 1880s didn't exactly embrace labor unions and based on some shaky
evidence, George Engel was convicted for his role in a labor riot (resulting
in the death of multiple policemen) and sentenced to be hanged.
Upon hearing that letters were sent to the Illinois governor requesting
clemency on his behalf, he wrote his own letter asserting those wishes be
ignored. It seemed a bit extreme, but when you have something this awesome
to shout from the gallows you'd be loathe to dismiss it too.
"Hurrah for anarchy. This is the happiest moment of my life."
#8 Last Words Of: Giles Corey
http://tinyurl.com/7opopvs
According to colonial law, a person who refused to plead innocent or guilty
of a crime could not be tried. This was particularly vexing to the courts
when they had people accused of witchcraft, since they weren't going to
torch themselves.
Their remedy for this was "peine forte et dure", the process where the
accused was slowly compacted by rocks until a plea was entered. "Tough love"
was pretty new back then and clearly had some refining left. Giles Corey,
knowing he wouldn't be afforded a fair trial, challenged every plea request
with the above "More weight," as in, "add more stones." He did this
literally down to his last breath.
No matter how enormous the rocks they stacked on Giles, it's evident he was
carrying the largest stones in the room before he even walked in.
"More weight."
#7 Last Words Of: James French
http://tinyurl.com/7eys7bw
James French was already serving a life sentence in an Ohio prison in 1966
when he began to realize that life is a really long fucking time. Unwilling
to complete his sentence and reportedly scared of suicide, he did the only
logical thing: kill his cell mate in an effort to convince the state to
execute him.
We're cool with someone wanting to be in control of their destiny, but did
you have to be such a dick about it, James? Wouldn't a
pretty-please-with-sugar-on-top-execute-me have sufficed? This was 1966 in
Ohio, so all he really would have had to do is tell a guard "You know what I
like? Black-white integration and homosexuality--lots of homosexuality!" and
his fate would have been sealed well enough.
Regardless, these were his final words as being strapped into the electric
chair. Puns aren't usually our thing, but pun + capital punishment = funny.
"Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? 'French
Fries'"
#6 Last Words Of: Che Guevara
http://tinyurl.com/34f2tma
While the adult male body is composed of about 50 percent water, Che
replaced nearly all of that with equal parts "myth" and "legend." History
has rewarded him by allowing his head to wind up on millions of t-shirts
worn by college-age malcontents.
There is ample debate as to whether these were his true final words. Luckily
we here at Cracked have many internet-renowned historians who have scoured
both articles on Wikipedia in working to confirm it.
"I know you've come to kill me. Shoot, you are only going to kill a man."
#5 Last Words Of: Robert Erskine Childers
http://tinyurl.com/79rp4bh
Childers, an Irish nationalist whose opposition to elements of a British
treaty put him on the wrong side of the Free State, was sentenced to be
executed. Childers took the opportunity to shake the hand of every man in
the firing squad, offering the advisory as an oddly humorous pro-tip.
Either that or word had gotten around about what shitty marksmen they were
and he wasn't up for waiting two minutes for the reload volley.
"Take a step forward lads - it'll be easier that way."
#4 Last Words Of: Tom "Black Jack" Ketchum
http://tinyurl.com/72u56qo
Tom Ketchum was a thief, a murderer and worst of all a "morning person."
It's why he had such tremendous verve despite his hanging being so early in
the day. No executioner should be subjected to racket like this before their
coffee has kicked in.
It's probably why Ketchum was "accidentally" afforded some additional slack
in the line which caused him to be decapitated when he dropped through the
gallows. Ooopsie.
"I'll be in Hell before you start breakfast. Let her rip."
#3 Last Words Of: Voltaire
http://tinyurl.com/7puptrl
This one requires a little context. Voltaire was a famous essayist, deist
and apparently smartass.
So who is the "enemy" he's talking about in the quote below? It was his
response to a priest at the side of his deathbed, asking Voltaire to use the
precious few moments left to renounce Satan.
"Not now my good man, this is no time to be making enemies."
#2 Last Words Of: Tallulah Bankhead
http://tinyurl.com/89f3htj
Bankhead was an iconic (but alleged) lesbian, and celebrator of the good
(read: chemically altered) life. She also had a knack for being terribly
quotable (she once said she only threw two tantrums in a year, each being
six months long).
To explain the relevance of her last words, one must only look to her
earlier quote "Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know--I've been using
it for years". We're kind of in love with her.
"Codine ... Bourbon."
#1 Last Words Of: Kit Carson
http://tinyurl.com/7z2ph8n
Once in a blue moon, God reaches down from his lofty perch, points at an
infant boy and proclaims, "This one shall have balls carved out of fucking
granite." Kit Carson was one such man.
From fur trapper, to wilderness guide, to frontier warrior, Kit Carson was
so much man that he actually defecated Chuck Norris. In the end, all he
needed to feel complete was one more hot, brown meal so he could crack an
amusing fart while arm wrestling with God.
"I just wish I had time for one more bowl of chili."
FROM: Cracked.com ~
By, Ian Cheesman
Hello there, dear readers. We hope you're having a wonderful day. We just
wanted to take a moment to remind you that you are most likely going to die
in total obscurity.
Sad, we know, but it doesn't have to be that way.
Everyone hopes to leave a legacy. To be remembered after our passing is the
closest thing humans have to immortality, at least until cryogenics figures
out how to reanimate Walt Disney's head.
Some people try to pull off immortality with a lifetime of achievements and
noble acts. But why piss away all that energy on altruism when you can
simply spout one badass quote before you take the dirt nap and live on
through eternity known as a guy who needed a second casket for his balls?
While we can't all pioneer nanosurgery or discover the Higgs boson, we can
all plot out something epic to say with our dying breath. Hopefully history
will remember us for our sick burns and ballsy braggadocio, even if it
forgets everything else. Hey, it worked for the folks below.
---
#20. Last Words Of: Lawrence of Rome/Saint Lorenzo
http://tinyurl.com/78442gr
These days most theological discussions break down thusly:
Person 1: I believe in X.
Person 2: I believe in Y.
Person 1: You're a Nazi fag.
Back in the third century, these interactions had much the same flavor, but
the stakes were a bit different:
Person 1: I believe in X.
Person 2: I believe in Y.
Person 1: Why don't you believe in X? I would love to explore your belief
system further in hopes of bridging our -- hahaha just kidding; I've already
set you on fire.
Lawrence of Rome was one of seven deacons in charge of the riches of the
Catholic church. The Roman prefect apparently got a memo that Rome would
really appreciate more riches (you don't say?), so he demanded that the
church turn them over. Pope Sixtus II, already condemned to death,
instructed Lawrence to distribute the church's jewels and treasures to the
poor. And he did so.
When asked by the prefect to produce that wealth, Lawrence gestured to the
crowd of peasants and said that they were truly the riches of the church. As
emotionally stirring as that quote was, the prefect's lifelong hatred of
ham-fisted Hallmark card metaphors manifested itself in an immediate death
sentence for Lawrence of Rome.
"This side is done."
#19 Last Words Of: Joan Crawford
http://tinyurl.com/7dpboyj
Dang! This, uh ... really raises the bar for "defiantly blasphemous last
words of celebrity actresses." Unless Anne Hathaway gets terminal cancer and
tells God to "make sure he's wearing clean underwear, because I don't want
my feet to get shitty while I'm kicking his ass," Crawford will probably
reign supreme in the Best Sacrilege from a Supporting Actress category for
decades.
Since most of our grandparents are too disappointed in our life choices to
read this site, we're going to go ahead and clarify that Joan Crawford was a
silver screen icon, best known for films like the 1945 Mildred Pierce, where
she shouted more dudes to pieces than a Dovahkiin. In general, Joan Crawford
was a stubborn, headstrong, unruly bitch in the most awesome sense of each
of those words. So it's no wonder that, on her deathbed, her last moments
were spent reprimanding a housekeeper who'd had the audacity to pray for
Crawford's soul within earshot. She died a Unitarian, so we're not sure if
she was offended at the religious presumption of the maid or if she just
didn't want God to think she needed help from any man.
"Damn it, don't you DARE ask God to help me."
#18 Last Words Of: George Danton
http://tinyurl.com/6s9htvc
During the rise of the French Revolution, Georges Danton was a prominent
mouthpiece for popular sovereignty and was among those who voted for the
beheading of King Louis XVI. The ensuing emergence of conflicting political
factions led to more beheadings, counter-beheadings and casual Friday
beheadings, and even produced a small contingent of revolutionary hipsters
who mostly whined about being into beheading way before everyone else.
Danton's rise to power alternately placed him in harmony and disrepute with
those manning the guillotine. It was simply a matter of time before he
finally fell afoul of Robespierre (easily the guillotiniest guy during the
Reign of Terror).
Danton's final demand that the executioner consider his head a treasured
keepsake in an era when the severed head market was absolutely saturated was
as courageous as it was arrogant. It's the sort of bragging that we wouldn't
hear again until the age of modern hip-hop ... if modern hip-hop started
from the assumption that every rapper was about to have his head chopped
off.
"You'll show my head to the crowd: It is worth seeing."
It was also an especially ballsy thing to say for a guy who looks like a
cross between Miss Piggy and Jack Black.
#17 Last Words Of: Hannie Schaft
http://tinyurl.com/6tksf9p
As callous as it sounds, it's not surprising that people doomed to be
executed manage to summon some pretty choice last words. Knowing your fate
is sealed and having ample time to stew over it really gets the creative
juices going. It's why our writers always do their best pieces at gunpoint,
which works out great, since we have no shortage of people eager to hold
guns to their heads. And yet, Hannie Schaft still manages to up the ante
with the cutting brevity of her last words.
And hurt they must have, since the soldiers who were botching the execution
were using a fucking machine pistol.
"Ik schiet beter!" -- "I could shoot better!"
#16 Last Words Of: Fabrizzio Quattrocchi
http://tinyurl.com/7rarker
In 2004, an insurgency group calling itself the Green Brigade of the Prophet
took four Italians working in Iraq hostage and shot an execution video,
which they then sent to Al Jazeera television. Instead of inspiring fear and
terror in the hearts of their enemies, however, the whole thing served to
make the group look like a bunch of rookies who needed war lessons from
their substantially more put-together captives. When it became apparent that
Fabrizzio Quattrocchi was going to be killed, he tried to tear off his own
hood and shouted his last, instructive words: "Now I'll show you how an
Italian dies!"
So, what's the answer? How does an Italian die?
Well, a lot like anybody else, really. Except a whole hell of a lot cooler,
and while making his killers look like the utter assholes that they are.
"Now I'll show you how an Italian dies!"
#15 Last Words Of: Joe Hill
http://tinyurl.com/87fdsja
Before sharing Joe Hill's story, it is important to note that he didn't die
in an actual fire. We'd save that sort of example for the article "Last
Words of People Who Succinctly Summarized the Circumstances of Their
Impending Death."
Hill was an immigrant laborer in the early 1900s. This time period was not
particularly kind to itinerant workers in America, and Hill frequently faced
underemployment, harsh working conditions and lopsided contracts with his
employers.
Unsurprisingly, he embraced the working class's frustrations and became a
fervent member of the Industrial Workers of the World (IWW) labor union. He
inspired the group through scathing political cartoons and pro-union anthems
such as "There Is Power in a Union" and "Casey Jones -- the Union Scab." His
less-celebrated hit "U n Me, Gurl (Dat's a Union)" is seldom mentioned.
It has been speculated that his prominent involvement in the IWW led to him
being railroaded into a murder charge by The Man. Hill came under suspicion
when he was treated for a bullet wound mere minutes after masked men started
a gunfight in a local butcher shop, killing both the owner and his son. Hill
had no motive, no other corroborating evidence put him there and he was
actually one of five men treated for bullet wounds on the night of the
murders. Still, a jury of his peers saw it otherwise:
Hill was sentenced to death by firing squad. His last word, "FIRE!"
preempted the executioner's "Ready ... aim ..." countdown. He wanted to his
last act to remind the squad who they really worked for: the people.
Or Hill's own giant balls. We're not sure which he meant, really.
"Fire!"
#14 Last Words Of: Lavinia Fisher
http://tinyurl.com/8422dmh
On February 18, 1820, Lavinia Fisher and her husband/accomplice John were
executed for their roles in a series of murders that took place at their
tavern.
While her husband was busy begging the crowd for forgiveness and putting all
the blame on his wife, Lavinia took a slightly different tack: She figured
she'd need to stay busy in hell, and so she spent her last words applying to
be the devil's postman.
Lavinia then trumped her executioners by jumping off the scaffolding and
hanging herself before they could do it (and probably screw it up. If we've
learned one thing from the other entries here, it's that executions are like
handjobs; if you want it done right, you do it yourself).
Witnesses stated that they would never forget the baleful glare or cruel
sneer that froze on Lavinia's face in death. Nor presumably the double birds
she was flipping behind her back.
"If any of you have a message to give the devil, give it to me quick -- I'm
about to meet him!"
#13 Last Words Of: Breaker Morant
http://tinyurl.com/893h6pw
Harry "Breaker" Morant was an Australian soldier serving Britain during the
Second Boer War in South Africa. He is best known in America for being
featured in an eponymous Academy Award-nominated movie back in 1980 ...
which is to say, he's not really known at all.
Morant was nicknamed "Breaker" because of his much-touted ability to break
horses, though his less thoroughly documented B-Boy skillz may have been
another contributor. Historical accounts vary widely as to how many of his
controversial military decisions were driven by standing policies versus the
fog of war. But one thing is for sure: Morant was either justified in the
execution of two unarmed African prisoners and a German missionary, or he
wasn't.
We here at Cracked will stand by that statement adamantly.
Morant was arrested for the aforementioned crimes and sentenced to death.
Regardless of his guilt or innocence, Breaker deserves some respect for
having possibly the best first name ever, and also for simultaneously
chastising and motivating his executioners with his last words, just before
his death by firing squad: "Shoot straight, you bastards! Don't make a mess
of it!"
It was exactly the kind of frank leadership a good military values ... when
they're not executing those leaders for war crimes, of course.
"Shoot straight, you bastards!"
#12 Last Words Of: Karl Marx
http://tinyurl.com/3mkyxt2
For better or worse, everybody has to acknowledge that Marx's writings in
the Communist Manifesto and Das Kapital are possibly the most important
political documents of the 19th century. His words were important; that much
is fact.
And he looked like a homeless lycanthrope. That part is also indisputable.
In 1883, Marx was about to breathe his last, and the only person on hand was
his housekeeper. Now housemaids, as we've learned from Joan Crawford, were,
up until recently, primarily employed for their ability to harangue and
bungle the last moments of the sick and dying. Kind of like a reverse
hospice service. And Marx's woman was no exception: Despite having been
employed by his family for four decades, she didn't know enough about the
man to avoid asking for his profound and meaningful last thoughts. When he
roared his (ironically very quotable) last words, she skittered from the
room to let the man die in surly silence.
Marx was survived by his wife, three children and epic hobo wolfman beard,
which could only be killed by a silver razor. Some say, on quiet nights, it
can still be heard howling for change in the streets.
"Go away! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!"
#11 Last Words Of: Carl Panzram
http://tinyurl.com/89nr79h
You may know the term "Hoosier" (meaning people from Indiana) from that Gene
Hackman movie about the basketball team. Apparently people from there are
really good at teamwork and jump shots, and really bad at executing people
quickly.
Now, far be it from us to glorify the defiance of a convicted serial killer,
but Carl Panzram did make an interesting point about the mire of bureaucracy
versus individual enterprise. If the guy you're executing thinks you're
taking too long, you need to rethink the process. Or perhaps Carl was just
angry as fuck and wanted to shout something before he was hanged.
"Hurry up, you Hoosier bastard, I could kill ten men while you're fooling
around."
#10 Last Words Of: Sitting Bull
http://tinyurl.com/79ubrqm
Sitting Bull is of course best known for leading the Sioux tribe in their
righteous whooping of General Custer's troops at the Battle of Little
Bighorn. In the years since he became a performer in Wild West shows and a
civil rights figurehead for the Native Americans and, we suppose, quietly
wept over people thoughtlessly littering.
In 1890 the US Department of Extracting Blood From a Stone sent officials
after Sitting Bull, out of fear he was going to stir up resistance among the
Sioux in the area. Faced with 43 members of the Indian Affairs police,
Sitting Bull refused to leave with them. He issued the statement below and
somebody started shooting and things went downhill from there.
Chief Sitting Bull deserves double credit in this entry because he was also
responsible for Custer's reputedly hilarious last words of "Hurrah, Boys!
Let's get these last few reds then head on back to camp. Hurrah!" Seriously.
"I am not going. Do with me what you like. I am not going. Come on! Come
on! Take action! Let's go!"
#9 Last Words Of: George Engel
http://tinyurl.com/7zrxl7k
The 1880s didn't exactly embrace labor unions and based on some shaky
evidence, George Engel was convicted for his role in a labor riot (resulting
in the death of multiple policemen) and sentenced to be hanged.
Upon hearing that letters were sent to the Illinois governor requesting
clemency on his behalf, he wrote his own letter asserting those wishes be
ignored. It seemed a bit extreme, but when you have something this awesome
to shout from the gallows you'd be loathe to dismiss it too.
"Hurrah for anarchy. This is the happiest moment of my life."
#8 Last Words Of: Giles Corey
http://tinyurl.com/7opopvs
According to colonial law, a person who refused to plead innocent or guilty
of a crime could not be tried. This was particularly vexing to the courts
when they had people accused of witchcraft, since they weren't going to
torch themselves.
Their remedy for this was "peine forte et dure", the process where the
accused was slowly compacted by rocks until a plea was entered. "Tough love"
was pretty new back then and clearly had some refining left. Giles Corey,
knowing he wouldn't be afforded a fair trial, challenged every plea request
with the above "More weight," as in, "add more stones." He did this
literally down to his last breath.
No matter how enormous the rocks they stacked on Giles, it's evident he was
carrying the largest stones in the room before he even walked in.
"More weight."
#7 Last Words Of: James French
http://tinyurl.com/7eys7bw
James French was already serving a life sentence in an Ohio prison in 1966
when he began to realize that life is a really long fucking time. Unwilling
to complete his sentence and reportedly scared of suicide, he did the only
logical thing: kill his cell mate in an effort to convince the state to
execute him.
We're cool with someone wanting to be in control of their destiny, but did
you have to be such a dick about it, James? Wouldn't a
pretty-please-with-sugar-on-top-execute-me have sufficed? This was 1966 in
Ohio, so all he really would have had to do is tell a guard "You know what I
like? Black-white integration and homosexuality--lots of homosexuality!" and
his fate would have been sealed well enough.
Regardless, these were his final words as being strapped into the electric
chair. Puns aren't usually our thing, but pun + capital punishment = funny.
"Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? 'French
Fries'"
#6 Last Words Of: Che Guevara
http://tinyurl.com/34f2tma
While the adult male body is composed of about 50 percent water, Che
replaced nearly all of that with equal parts "myth" and "legend." History
has rewarded him by allowing his head to wind up on millions of t-shirts
worn by college-age malcontents.
There is ample debate as to whether these were his true final words. Luckily
we here at Cracked have many internet-renowned historians who have scoured
both articles on Wikipedia in working to confirm it.
"I know you've come to kill me. Shoot, you are only going to kill a man."
#5 Last Words Of: Robert Erskine Childers
http://tinyurl.com/79rp4bh
Childers, an Irish nationalist whose opposition to elements of a British
treaty put him on the wrong side of the Free State, was sentenced to be
executed. Childers took the opportunity to shake the hand of every man in
the firing squad, offering the advisory as an oddly humorous pro-tip.
Either that or word had gotten around about what shitty marksmen they were
and he wasn't up for waiting two minutes for the reload volley.
"Take a step forward lads - it'll be easier that way."
#4 Last Words Of: Tom "Black Jack" Ketchum
http://tinyurl.com/72u56qo
Tom Ketchum was a thief, a murderer and worst of all a "morning person."
It's why he had such tremendous verve despite his hanging being so early in
the day. No executioner should be subjected to racket like this before their
coffee has kicked in.
It's probably why Ketchum was "accidentally" afforded some additional slack
in the line which caused him to be decapitated when he dropped through the
gallows. Ooopsie.
"I'll be in Hell before you start breakfast. Let her rip."
#3 Last Words Of: Voltaire
http://tinyurl.com/7puptrl
This one requires a little context. Voltaire was a famous essayist, deist
and apparently smartass.
So who is the "enemy" he's talking about in the quote below? It was his
response to a priest at the side of his deathbed, asking Voltaire to use the
precious few moments left to renounce Satan.
"Not now my good man, this is no time to be making enemies."
#2 Last Words Of: Tallulah Bankhead
http://tinyurl.com/89f3htj
Bankhead was an iconic (but alleged) lesbian, and celebrator of the good
(read: chemically altered) life. She also had a knack for being terribly
quotable (she once said she only threw two tantrums in a year, each being
six months long).
To explain the relevance of her last words, one must only look to her
earlier quote "Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know--I've been using
it for years". We're kind of in love with her.
"Codine ... Bourbon."
#1 Last Words Of: Kit Carson
http://tinyurl.com/7z2ph8n
Once in a blue moon, God reaches down from his lofty perch, points at an
infant boy and proclaims, "This one shall have balls carved out of fucking
granite." Kit Carson was one such man.
From fur trapper, to wilderness guide, to frontier warrior, Kit Carson was
so much man that he actually defecated Chuck Norris. In the end, all he
needed to feel complete was one more hot, brown meal so he could crack an
amusing fart while arm wrestling with God.
"I just wish I had time for one more bowl of chili."
J.D. Baldwin
Jan 10, 2012, 10:07:40 AM1/10/12
to
In the previous article, Bill Schenley <stra...@neo.rr.com> wrote:
> The 11 Most Badass Last Words Ever Uttered
(Honorable mention to Voltaire.)
Two other greats:
Thomas de Mahy, Marquis de Favras, executed for treason by French
revolutionaries. He was handed his death warrant on the way to the
gallows and supposedly said (with that specially cultivated French
disdain), "I see that you have made three errors in spelling."
Giordano Bruno, a 16th-century astronomer and philosopher who embraced
the Copernican idea that the earth orbits around the sun, and was the
first to theorize that the sun was a star and therefore other stars
had planets orbiting them, which may in turn host intelligent life and
so forth. When burned at the stake for this and other heresies, he
is reputed to have said "E pur si muove!" ("And still it moves!").
Both stories may be apocryphal -- the de Mahy one is just too good
*not* to believe -- but Bruno's mouth was supposedly bound for his
burning, so it's unlikely he actually said anything audible at the
stake. Also, the Church wasn't so pissed off about the earth-around-
the-sun thing (they developed an antipathy toward that idea after
Bruno and before Galileo, to whom the quote is also often attributed).
The "non-human intelligent life in the universe" thing, though, REALLY
made them crazy.
--
_+_ From the catapult of |If anyone objects to any statement I make, I am
_|70|___:)=}- J.D. Baldwin |quite prepared not only to retract it, but also
\ / bal...@panix.com|to deny under oath that I ever made it.-T. Lehrer
***~~~~----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jane Margaret Laight
Jan 10, 2012, 4:11:44 PM1/10/12
to
On Jan 10, 1:22 am, "Bill Schenley" <stray...@neo.rr.com> wrote:
> The 11 Most Badass Last Words Ever Uttered
>
> FROM: Cracked.com ~
> By, Ian Cheesman
>
> Hello there, dear readers. We hope you're having a wonderful day. We just
> wanted to take a moment to remind you that you are most likely going to die
> in total obscurity.
>
> Sad, we know, but it doesn't have to be that way.
>
> Everyone hopes to leave a legacy. To be remembered after our passing is the
> closest thing humans have to immortality, at least until cryogenics figures
> out how to reanimate Walt Disney's head.
>
> Some people try to pull off immortality with a lifetime of achievements and
> noble acts. But why piss away all that energy on altruism when you can
> simply spout one badass quote before you take the dirt nap and live on
> through eternity known as a guy who needed a second casket for his balls?
>
> While we can't all pioneer nanosurgery or discover the Higgs boson, we can
> all plot out something epic to say with our dying breath. Hopefully history
> will remember us for our sick burns and ballsy braggadocio, even if it
> forgets everything else. Hey, it worked for the folks below.
> ---
> #20. Last Words Of: Lawrence of Rome/Saint Lorenzohttp://tinyurl.com/78442gr
> The 11 Most Badass Last Words Ever Uttered
>
> FROM: Cracked.com ~
> By, Ian Cheesman
>
> Hello there, dear readers. We hope you're having a wonderful day. We just
> wanted to take a moment to remind you that you are most likely going to die
> in total obscurity.
>
> Sad, we know, but it doesn't have to be that way.
>
> Everyone hopes to leave a legacy. To be remembered after our passing is the
> closest thing humans have to immortality, at least until cryogenics figures
> out how to reanimate Walt Disney's head.
>
> Some people try to pull off immortality with a lifetime of achievements and
> noble acts. But why piss away all that energy on altruism when you can
> simply spout one badass quote before you take the dirt nap and live on
> through eternity known as a guy who needed a second casket for his balls?
>
> While we can't all pioneer nanosurgery or discover the Higgs boson, we can
> all plot out something epic to say with our dying breath. Hopefully history
> will remember us for our sick burns and ballsy braggadocio, even if it
> forgets everything else. Hey, it worked for the folks below.
> ---
>
> These days most theological discussions break down thusly:
> Person 1: I believe in X.
> Person 2: I believe in Y.
> Person 1: You're a Nazi fag.
>
> Back in the third century, these interactions had much the same flavor, but
> the stakes were a bit different:
> Person 1: I believe in X.
> Person 2: I believe in Y.
> Person 1: Why don't you believe in X? I would love to explore your belief
> system further in hopes of bridging our -- hahaha just kidding; I've already
> set you on fire.
>
> Lawrence of Rome was one of seven deacons in charge of the riches of the
> Catholic church. The Roman prefect apparently got a memo that Rome would
> really appreciate more riches (you don't say?), so he demanded that the
> church turn them over. Pope Sixtus II, already condemned to death,
> instructed Lawrence to distribute the church's jewels and treasures to the
> poor. And he did so.
>
> When asked by the prefect to produce that wealth, Lawrence gestured to the
> crowd of peasants and said that they were truly the riches of the church. As
> emotionally stirring as that quote was, the prefect's lifelong hatred of
> ham-fisted Hallmark card metaphors manifested itself in an immediate death
> sentence for Lawrence of Rome.
>
> "This side is done."
>
> #19 Last Words Of: Joan Crawfordhttp://tinyurl.com/7dpboyj
> These days most theological discussions break down thusly:
> Person 1: I believe in X.
> Person 2: I believe in Y.
> Person 1: You're a Nazi fag.
>
> Back in the third century, these interactions had much the same flavor, but
> the stakes were a bit different:
> Person 1: I believe in X.
> Person 2: I believe in Y.
> Person 1: Why don't you believe in X? I would love to explore your belief
> system further in hopes of bridging our -- hahaha just kidding; I've already
> set you on fire.
>
> Lawrence of Rome was one of seven deacons in charge of the riches of the
> Catholic church. The Roman prefect apparently got a memo that Rome would
> really appreciate more riches (you don't say?), so he demanded that the
> church turn them over. Pope Sixtus II, already condemned to death,
> instructed Lawrence to distribute the church's jewels and treasures to the
> poor. And he did so.
>
> When asked by the prefect to produce that wealth, Lawrence gestured to the
> crowd of peasants and said that they were truly the riches of the church. As
> emotionally stirring as that quote was, the prefect's lifelong hatred of
> ham-fisted Hallmark card metaphors manifested itself in an immediate death
> sentence for Lawrence of Rome.
>
> "This side is done."
>
>
> Dang! This, uh ... really raises the bar for "defiantly blasphemous last
> words of celebrity actresses." Unless Anne Hathaway gets terminal cancer and
> tells God to "make sure he's wearing clean underwear, because I don't want
> my feet to get shitty while I'm kicking his ass," Crawford will probably
> reign supreme in the Best Sacrilege from a Supporting Actress category for
> decades.
>
> Since most of our grandparents are too disappointed in our life choices to
> read this site, we're going to go ahead and clarify that Joan Crawford was a
> silver screen icon, best known for films like the 1945 Mildred Pierce, where
> she shouted more dudes to pieces than a Dovahkiin. In general, Joan Crawford
> was a stubborn, headstrong, unruly bitch in the most awesome sense of each
> of those words. So it's no wonder that, on her deathbed, her last moments
> were spent reprimanding a housekeeper who'd had the audacity to pray for
> Crawford's soul within earshot. She died a Unitarian, so we're not sure if
> she was offended at the religious presumption of the maid or if she just
> didn't want God to think she needed help from any man.
>
> "Damn it, don't you DARE ask God to help me."
>
> #18 Last Words Of: George Dantonhttp://tinyurl.com/6s9htvc
> Dang! This, uh ... really raises the bar for "defiantly blasphemous last
> words of celebrity actresses." Unless Anne Hathaway gets terminal cancer and
> tells God to "make sure he's wearing clean underwear, because I don't want
> my feet to get shitty while I'm kicking his ass," Crawford will probably
> reign supreme in the Best Sacrilege from a Supporting Actress category for
> decades.
>
> Since most of our grandparents are too disappointed in our life choices to
> read this site, we're going to go ahead and clarify that Joan Crawford was a
> silver screen icon, best known for films like the 1945 Mildred Pierce, where
> she shouted more dudes to pieces than a Dovahkiin. In general, Joan Crawford
> was a stubborn, headstrong, unruly bitch in the most awesome sense of each
> of those words. So it's no wonder that, on her deathbed, her last moments
> were spent reprimanding a housekeeper who'd had the audacity to pray for
> Crawford's soul within earshot. She died a Unitarian, so we're not sure if
> she was offended at the religious presumption of the maid or if she just
> didn't want God to think she needed help from any man.
>
> "Damn it, don't you DARE ask God to help me."
>
>
> During the rise of the French Revolution, Georges Danton was a prominent
> mouthpiece for popular sovereignty and was among those who voted for the
> beheading of King Louis XVI. The ensuing emergence of conflicting political
> factions led to more beheadings, counter-beheadings and casual Friday
> beheadings, and even produced a small contingent of revolutionary hipsters
> who mostly whined about being into beheading way before everyone else.
>
> Danton's rise to power alternately placed him in harmony and disrepute with
> those manning the guillotine. It was simply a matter of time before he
> finally fell afoul of Robespierre (easily the guillotiniest guy during the
> Reign of Terror).
>
> Danton's final demand that the executioner consider his head a treasured
> keepsake in an era when the severed head market was absolutely saturated was
> as courageous as it was arrogant. It's the sort of bragging that we wouldn't
> hear again until the age of modern hip-hop ... if modern hip-hop started
> from the assumption that every rapper was about to have his head chopped
> off.
>
> "You'll show my head to the crowd: It is worth seeing."
>
> It was also an especially ballsy thing to say for a guy who looks like a
> cross between Miss Piggy and Jack Black.
>
> #17 Last Words Of: Hannie Schafthttp://tinyurl.com/6tksf9p
> During the rise of the French Revolution, Georges Danton was a prominent
> mouthpiece for popular sovereignty and was among those who voted for the
> beheading of King Louis XVI. The ensuing emergence of conflicting political
> factions led to more beheadings, counter-beheadings and casual Friday
> beheadings, and even produced a small contingent of revolutionary hipsters
> who mostly whined about being into beheading way before everyone else.
>
> Danton's rise to power alternately placed him in harmony and disrepute with
> those manning the guillotine. It was simply a matter of time before he
> finally fell afoul of Robespierre (easily the guillotiniest guy during the
> Reign of Terror).
>
> Danton's final demand that the executioner consider his head a treasured
> keepsake in an era when the severed head market was absolutely saturated was
> as courageous as it was arrogant. It's the sort of bragging that we wouldn't
> hear again until the age of modern hip-hop ... if modern hip-hop started
> from the assumption that every rapper was about to have his head chopped
> off.
>
> "You'll show my head to the crowd: It is worth seeing."
>
> It was also an especially ballsy thing to say for a guy who looks like a
> cross between Miss Piggy and Jack Black.
>
>
> As callous as it sounds, it's not surprising that people doomed to be
> executed manage to summon some pretty choice last words. Knowing your fate
> is sealed and having ample time to stew over it really gets the creative
> juices going. It's why our writers always do their best pieces at gunpoint,
> which works out great, since we have no shortage of people eager to hold
> guns to their heads. And yet, Hannie Schaft still manages to up the ante
> with the cutting brevity of her last words.
>
> And hurt they must have, since the soldiers who were botching the execution
> were using a fucking machine pistol.
>
> "Ik schiet beter!" -- "I could shoot better!"
>
> #16 Last Words Of: Fabrizzio Quattrocchihttp://tinyurl.com/7rarker
> As callous as it sounds, it's not surprising that people doomed to be
> executed manage to summon some pretty choice last words. Knowing your fate
> is sealed and having ample time to stew over it really gets the creative
> juices going. It's why our writers always do their best pieces at gunpoint,
> which works out great, since we have no shortage of people eager to hold
> guns to their heads. And yet, Hannie Schaft still manages to up the ante
> with the cutting brevity of her last words.
>
> And hurt they must have, since the soldiers who were botching the execution
> were using a fucking machine pistol.
>
> "Ik schiet beter!" -- "I could shoot better!"
>
>
> In 2004, an insurgency group calling itself the Green Brigade of the Prophet
> took four Italians working in Iraq hostage and shot an execution video,
> which they then sent to Al Jazeera television. Instead of inspiring fear and
> terror in the hearts of their enemies, however, the whole thing served to
> make the group look like a bunch of rookies who needed war lessons from
> their substantially more put-together captives. When it became apparent that
> Fabrizzio Quattrocchi was going to be killed, he tried to tear off his own
> hood and shouted his last, instructive words: "Now I'll show you how an
> Italian dies!"
>
> So, what's the answer? How does an Italian die?
>
> Well, a lot like anybody else, really. Except a whole hell of a lot cooler,
> and while making his killers look like the utter assholes that they are.
>
> "Now I'll show you how an Italian dies!"
>
> #15 Last Words Of: Joe Hillhttp://tinyurl.com/87fdsja
> In 2004, an insurgency group calling itself the Green Brigade of the Prophet
> took four Italians working in Iraq hostage and shot an execution video,
> which they then sent to Al Jazeera television. Instead of inspiring fear and
> terror in the hearts of their enemies, however, the whole thing served to
> make the group look like a bunch of rookies who needed war lessons from
> their substantially more put-together captives. When it became apparent that
> Fabrizzio Quattrocchi was going to be killed, he tried to tear off his own
> hood and shouted his last, instructive words: "Now I'll show you how an
> Italian dies!"
>
> So, what's the answer? How does an Italian die?
>
> Well, a lot like anybody else, really. Except a whole hell of a lot cooler,
> and while making his killers look like the utter assholes that they are.
>
> "Now I'll show you how an Italian dies!"
>
>
> On February 18, 1820, Lavinia Fisher and her husband/accomplice John were
> executed for their roles in a series of murders that took place at their
> tavern.
>
> While her husband was busy begging the crowd for forgiveness and putting all
> the blame on his wife, Lavinia took a slightly different tack: She figured
> she'd need to stay busy in hell, and so she spent her last words applying to
> be the devil's postman.
>
> Lavinia then trumped her executioners by jumping off the scaffolding and
> hanging herself before they could do it (and probably screw it up. If we've
> learned one thing from the other entries here, it's that executions are like
> handjobs; if you want it done right, you do it yourself).
>
> Witnesses stated that they would never forget the baleful glare or cruel
> sneer that froze on Lavinia's face in death. Nor presumably the double birds
> she was flipping behind her back.
>
> "If any of you have a message to give the devil, give it to me quick -- I'm
> about to meet him!"
>
> #13 Last Words Of: Breaker Moranthttp://tinyurl.com/893h6pw
> On February 18, 1820, Lavinia Fisher and her husband/accomplice John were
> executed for their roles in a series of murders that took place at their
> tavern.
>
> While her husband was busy begging the crowd for forgiveness and putting all
> the blame on his wife, Lavinia took a slightly different tack: She figured
> she'd need to stay busy in hell, and so she spent her last words applying to
> be the devil's postman.
>
> Lavinia then trumped her executioners by jumping off the scaffolding and
> hanging herself before they could do it (and probably screw it up. If we've
> learned one thing from the other entries here, it's that executions are like
> handjobs; if you want it done right, you do it yourself).
>
> Witnesses stated that they would never forget the baleful glare or cruel
> sneer that froze on Lavinia's face in death. Nor presumably the double birds
> she was flipping behind her back.
>
> "If any of you have a message to give the devil, give it to me quick -- I'm
> about to meet him!"
>
>
> Harry "Breaker" Morant was an Australian soldier serving Britain during the
> Second Boer War in South Africa. He is best known in America for being
> featured in an eponymous Academy Award-nominated movie back in 1980 ...
> which is to say, he's not really known at all.
>
> Morant was nicknamed "Breaker" because of his much-touted ability to break
> horses, though his less thoroughly documented B-Boy skillz may have been
> another contributor. Historical accounts vary widely as to how many of his
> controversial military decisions were driven by standing policies versus the
> fog of war. But one thing is for sure: Morant was either justified in the
> execution of two unarmed African prisoners and a German missionary, or he
> wasn't.
> We here at Cracked will stand by that statement adamantly.
>
> Morant was arrested for the aforementioned crimes and sentenced to death.
> Regardless of his guilt or innocence, Breaker deserves some respect for
> having possibly the best first name ever, and also for simultaneously
> chastising and motivating his executioners with his last words, just before
> his death by firing squad: "Shoot straight, you bastards! Don't make a mess
> of it!"
>
> It was exactly the kind of frank leadership a good military values ... when
> they're not executing those leaders for war crimes, of course.
>
> "Shoot straight, you bastards!"
>
> #12 Last Words Of: Karl Marxhttp://tinyurl.com/3mkyxt2
> Harry "Breaker" Morant was an Australian soldier serving Britain during the
> Second Boer War in South Africa. He is best known in America for being
> featured in an eponymous Academy Award-nominated movie back in 1980 ...
> which is to say, he's not really known at all.
>
> Morant was nicknamed "Breaker" because of his much-touted ability to break
> horses, though his less thoroughly documented B-Boy skillz may have been
> another contributor. Historical accounts vary widely as to how many of his
> controversial military decisions were driven by standing policies versus the
> fog of war. But one thing is for sure: Morant was either justified in the
> execution of two unarmed African prisoners and a German missionary, or he
> wasn't.
> We here at Cracked will stand by that statement adamantly.
>
> Morant was arrested for the aforementioned crimes and sentenced to death.
> Regardless of his guilt or innocence, Breaker deserves some respect for
> having possibly the best first name ever, and also for simultaneously
> chastising and motivating his executioners with his last words, just before
> his death by firing squad: "Shoot straight, you bastards! Don't make a mess
> of it!"
>
> It was exactly the kind of frank leadership a good military values ... when
> they're not executing those leaders for war crimes, of course.
>
> "Shoot straight, you bastards!"
>
>
> For better or worse, everybody has to acknowledge that Marx's writings in
> the Communist Manifesto and Das Kapital are possibly the most important
> political documents of the 19th century. His words were important; that much
> is fact.
> And he looked like a homeless lycanthrope. That part is also indisputable.
>
> In 1883, Marx was about to breathe his last, and the only person on hand was
> his housekeeper. Now housemaids, as we've learned from Joan Crawford, were,
> up until recently, primarily employed for their ability to harangue and
> bungle the last moments of the sick and dying. Kind of like a reverse
> hospice service. And Marx's woman was no exception: Despite having been
> employed by his family for four decades, she didn't know enough about the
> man to avoid asking for his profound and meaningful last thoughts. When he
> roared his (ironically very quotable) last words, she skittered from the
> room to let the man die in surly silence.
>
> Marx was survived by his wife, three children and epic hobo wolfman beard,
> which could only be killed by a silver razor. Some say, on quiet nights, it
> can still be heard howling for change in the streets.
>
> "Go away! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!"
>
> #11 Last Words Of: Carl Panzramhttp://tinyurl.com/89nr79h
> For better or worse, everybody has to acknowledge that Marx's writings in
> the Communist Manifesto and Das Kapital are possibly the most important
> political documents of the 19th century. His words were important; that much
> is fact.
> And he looked like a homeless lycanthrope. That part is also indisputable.
>
> In 1883, Marx was about to breathe his last, and the only person on hand was
> his housekeeper. Now housemaids, as we've learned from Joan Crawford, were,
> up until recently, primarily employed for their ability to harangue and
> bungle the last moments of the sick and dying. Kind of like a reverse
> hospice service. And Marx's woman was no exception: Despite having been
> employed by his family for four decades, she didn't know enough about the
> man to avoid asking for his profound and meaningful last thoughts. When he
> roared his (ironically very quotable) last words, she skittered from the
> room to let the man die in surly silence.
>
> Marx was survived by his wife, three children and epic hobo wolfman beard,
> which could only be killed by a silver razor. Some say, on quiet nights, it
> can still be heard howling for change in the streets.
>
> "Go away! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!"
>
>
> You may know the term "Hoosier" (meaning people from Indiana) from that Gene
> Hackman movie about the basketball team. Apparently people from there are
> really good at teamwork and jump shots, and really bad at executing people
> quickly.
>
> Now, far be it from us to glorify the defiance of a convicted serial killer,
> but Carl Panzram did make an interesting point about the mire of bureaucracy
> versus individual enterprise. If the guy you're executing thinks you're
> taking too long, you need to rethink the process. Or perhaps Carl was just
> angry as fuck and wanted to shout something before he was hanged.
>
> "Hurry up, you Hoosier bastard, I could kill ten men while you're fooling
> around."
>
> #10 Last Words Of: Sitting Bullhttp://tinyurl.com/79ubrqm
> You may know the term "Hoosier" (meaning people from Indiana) from that Gene
> Hackman movie about the basketball team. Apparently people from there are
> really good at teamwork and jump shots, and really bad at executing people
> quickly.
>
> Now, far be it from us to glorify the defiance of a convicted serial killer,
> but Carl Panzram did make an interesting point about the mire of bureaucracy
> versus individual enterprise. If the guy you're executing thinks you're
> taking too long, you need to rethink the process. Or perhaps Carl was just
> angry as fuck and wanted to shout something before he was hanged.
>
> "Hurry up, you Hoosier bastard, I could kill ten men while you're fooling
> around."
>
>
> Sitting Bull is of course best known for leading the Sioux tribe in their
> righteous whooping of General Custer's troops at the Battle of Little
> Bighorn. In the years since he became a performer in Wild West shows and a
> civil rights figurehead for the Native Americans and, we suppose, quietly
> wept over people thoughtlessly littering.
>
> In 1890 the US Department of Extracting Blood From a Stone sent officials
> after Sitting Bull, out of fear he was going to stir up resistance among the
> Sioux in the area. Faced with 43 members of the Indian Affairs police,
> Sitting Bull refused to leave with them. He issued the statement below and
> somebody started shooting and things went downhill from there.
>
> Chief Sitting Bull deserves double credit in this entry because he was also
> responsible for Custer's reputedly hilarious last words of "Hurrah, Boys!
> Let's get these last few reds then head on back to camp. Hurrah!" Seriously.
>
> "I am not going. Do with me what you like. I am not going. Come on! Come
> on! Take action! Let's go!"
>
> #9 Last Words Of: George Engelhttp://tinyurl.com/7zrxl7k
> Sitting Bull is of course best known for leading the Sioux tribe in their
> righteous whooping of General Custer's troops at the Battle of Little
> Bighorn. In the years since he became a performer in Wild West shows and a
> civil rights figurehead for the Native Americans and, we suppose, quietly
> wept over people thoughtlessly littering.
>
> In 1890 the US Department of Extracting Blood From a Stone sent officials
> after Sitting Bull, out of fear he was going to stir up resistance among the
> Sioux in the area. Faced with 43 members of the Indian Affairs police,
> Sitting Bull refused to leave with them. He issued the statement below and
> somebody started shooting and things went downhill from there.
>
> Chief Sitting Bull deserves double credit in this entry because he was also
> responsible for Custer's reputedly hilarious last words of "Hurrah, Boys!
> Let's get these last few reds then head on back to camp. Hurrah!" Seriously.
>
> "I am not going. Do with me what you like. I am not going. Come on! Come
> on! Take action! Let's go!"
>
>
> The 1880s didn't exactly embrace labor unions and based on some shaky
> evidence, George Engel was convicted for his role in a labor riot (resulting
> in the death of multiple policemen) and sentenced to be hanged.
>
> Upon hearing that letters were sent to the Illinois governor requesting
> clemency on his behalf, he wrote his own letter asserting those wishes be
> ignored. It seemed a bit extreme, but when you have something this awesome
> to shout from the gallows you'd be loathe to dismiss it too.
>
> "Hurrah for anarchy. This is the happiest moment of my life."
>
> #8 Last Words Of: Giles Coreyhttp://tinyurl.com/7opopvs
> The 1880s didn't exactly embrace labor unions and based on some shaky
> evidence, George Engel was convicted for his role in a labor riot (resulting
> in the death of multiple policemen) and sentenced to be hanged.
>
> Upon hearing that letters were sent to the Illinois governor requesting
> clemency on his behalf, he wrote his own letter asserting those wishes be
> ignored. It seemed a bit extreme, but when you have something this awesome
> to shout from the gallows you'd be loathe to dismiss it too.
>
> "Hurrah for anarchy. This is the happiest moment of my life."
>
>
> According to colonial law, a person who refused to plead innocent or guilty
> of a crime could not be tried. This was particularly vexing to the courts
> when they had people accused of witchcraft, since they weren't going to
> torch themselves.
> Their remedy for this was "peine forte et dure", the process where the
> accused was slowly compacted by rocks until a plea was entered. "Tough love"
> was pretty new back then and clearly had some refining left. Giles Corey,
> knowing he wouldn't be afforded a fair trial, challenged every plea request
> with the above "More weight," as in, "add more stones." He did this
> literally down to his last breath.
>
> No matter how enormous the rocks they stacked on Giles, it's evident he was
> carrying the largest stones in the room before he even walked in.
>
> "More weight."
>
> #7 Last Words Of: James Frenchhttp://tinyurl.com/7eys7bw
> According to colonial law, a person who refused to plead innocent or guilty
> of a crime could not be tried. This was particularly vexing to the courts
> when they had people accused of witchcraft, since they weren't going to
> torch themselves.
> Their remedy for this was "peine forte et dure", the process where the
> accused was slowly compacted by rocks until a plea was entered. "Tough love"
> was pretty new back then and clearly had some refining left. Giles Corey,
> knowing he wouldn't be afforded a fair trial, challenged every plea request
> with the above "More weight," as in, "add more stones." He did this
> literally down to his last breath.
>
> No matter how enormous the rocks they stacked on Giles, it's evident he was
> carrying the largest stones in the room before he even walked in.
>
> "More weight."
>
>
> James French was already serving a life sentence in an Ohio prison in 1966
> when he began to realize that life is a really long fucking time. Unwilling
> to complete his sentence and reportedly scared of suicide, he did the only
> logical thing: kill his cell mate in an effort to convince the state to
> execute him.
>
> We're cool with someone wanting to be in control of their destiny, but did
> you have to be such a dick about it, James? Wouldn't a
> pretty-please-with-sugar-on-top-execute-me have sufficed? This was 1966 in
> Ohio, so all he really would have had to do is tell a guard "You know what I
> like? Black-white integration and homosexuality--lots of homosexuality!" and
> his fate would have been sealed well enough.
>
> Regardless, these were his final words as being strapped into the electric
> chair. Puns aren't usually our thing, but pun + capital punishment = funny.
>
> "Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? 'French
> Fries'"
>
> #6 Last Words Of: Che Guevarahttp://tinyurl.com/34f2tma
> James French was already serving a life sentence in an Ohio prison in 1966
> when he began to realize that life is a really long fucking time. Unwilling
> to complete his sentence and reportedly scared of suicide, he did the only
> logical thing: kill his cell mate in an effort to convince the state to
> execute him.
>
> We're cool with someone wanting to be in control of their destiny, but did
> you have to be such a dick about it, James? Wouldn't a
> pretty-please-with-sugar-on-top-execute-me have sufficed? This was 1966 in
> Ohio, so all he really would have had to do is tell a guard "You know what I
> like? Black-white integration and homosexuality--lots of homosexuality!" and
> his fate would have been sealed well enough.
>
> Regardless, these were his final words as being strapped into the electric
> chair. Puns aren't usually our thing, but pun + capital punishment = funny.
>
> "Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow's paper? 'French
> Fries'"
>
>
> While the adult male body is composed of about 50 percent water, Che
> replaced nearly all of that with equal parts "myth" and "legend." History
> has rewarded him by allowing his head to wind up on millions of t-shirts
> worn by college-age malcontents.
>
> There is ample debate as to whether these were his true final words. Luckily
> we here at Cracked have many internet-renowned historians who have scoured
> both articles on Wikipedia in working to confirm it.
>
> "I know you've come to kill me. Shoot, you are only going to kill a man."
>
> #5 Last Words Of: Robert Erskine Childershttp://tinyurl.com/79rp4bh
> While the adult male body is composed of about 50 percent water, Che
> replaced nearly all of that with equal parts "myth" and "legend." History
> has rewarded him by allowing his head to wind up on millions of t-shirts
> worn by college-age malcontents.
>
> There is ample debate as to whether these were his true final words. Luckily
> we here at Cracked have many internet-renowned historians who have scoured
> both articles on Wikipedia in working to confirm it.
>
> "I know you've come to kill me. Shoot, you are only going to kill a man."
>
>
> Childers, an Irish nationalist whose opposition to elements of a British
> treaty put him on the wrong side of the Free State, was sentenced to be
> executed. Childers took the opportunity to shake the hand of every man in
> the firing squad, offering the advisory as an oddly humorous pro-tip.
>
> Either that or word had gotten around about what shitty marksmen they were
> and he wasn't up for waiting two minutes for the reload volley.
>
> "Take a step forward lads - it'll be easier that way."
>
> #4 Last Words Of: Tom "Black Jack" Ketchumhttp://tinyurl.com/72u56qo
> Childers, an Irish nationalist whose opposition to elements of a British
> treaty put him on the wrong side of the Free State, was sentenced to be
> executed. Childers took the opportunity to shake the hand of every man in
> the firing squad, offering the advisory as an oddly humorous pro-tip.
>
> Either that or word had gotten around about what shitty marksmen they were
> and he wasn't up for waiting two minutes for the reload volley.
>
> "Take a step forward lads - it'll be easier that way."
>
>
> Tom Ketchum was a thief, a murderer and worst of all a "morning person."
> It's why he had such tremendous verve despite his hanging being so early in
> the day. No executioner should be subjected to racket like this before their
> coffee has kicked in.
>
> It's probably why Ketchum was "accidentally" afforded some additional slack
> in the line which caused him to be decapitated when he dropped through the
> gallows. Ooopsie.
>
> "I'll be in Hell before you start breakfast. Let her rip."
>
> #3 Last Words Of: Voltairehttp://tinyurl.com/7puptrl
> Tom Ketchum was a thief, a murderer and worst of all a "morning person."
> It's why he had such tremendous verve despite his hanging being so early in
> the day. No executioner should be subjected to racket like this before their
> coffee has kicked in.
>
> It's probably why Ketchum was "accidentally" afforded some additional slack
> in the line which caused him to be decapitated when he dropped through the
> gallows. Ooopsie.
>
> "I'll be in Hell before you start breakfast. Let her rip."
>
>
> This one requires a little context. Voltaire was a famous essayist, deist
> and apparently smartass.
>
> So who is the "enemy" he's talking about in the quote below? It was his
> response to a priest at the side of his deathbed, asking Voltaire to use the
> precious few moments left to renounce Satan.
>
> "Not now my good man, this is no time to be making enemies."
>
> #2 Last Words Of: Tallulah Bankheadhttp://tinyurl.com/89f3htj
> This one requires a little context. Voltaire was a famous essayist, deist
> and apparently smartass.
>
> So who is the "enemy" he's talking about in the quote below? It was his
> response to a priest at the side of his deathbed, asking Voltaire to use the
> precious few moments left to renounce Satan.
>
> "Not now my good man, this is no time to be making enemies."
>
>
> Bankhead was an iconic (but alleged) lesbian, and celebrator of the good
> (read: chemically altered) life. She also had a knack for being terribly
> quotable (she once said she only threw two tantrums in a year, each being
> six months long).
>
> To explain the relevance of her last words, one must only look to her
> earlier quote "Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know--I've been using
> it for years". We're kind of in love with her.
>
> "Codine ... Bourbon."
>
> #1 Last Words Of: Kit Carsonhttp://tinyurl.com/7z2ph8n
> Bankhead was an iconic (but alleged) lesbian, and celebrator of the good
> (read: chemically altered) life. She also had a knack for being terribly
> quotable (she once said she only threw two tantrums in a year, each being
> six months long).
>
> To explain the relevance of her last words, one must only look to her
> earlier quote "Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know--I've been using
> it for years". We're kind of in love with her.
>
> "Codine ... Bourbon."
>
>
> Once in a blue moon, God reaches down from his lofty perch, points at an
> infant boy and proclaims, "This one shall have balls carved out of fucking
> granite." Kit Carson was one such man.
>
> From fur trapper, to wilderness guide, to frontier warrior, Kit Carson was
> so much man that he actually defecated Chuck Norris. In the end, all he
> needed to feel complete was one more hot, brown meal so he could crack an
> amusing fart while arm wrestling with God.
>
> "I just wish I had time for one more bowl of chili."
bless them, they missed one of the best:
> Once in a blue moon, God reaches down from his lofty perch, points at an
> infant boy and proclaims, "This one shall have balls carved out of fucking
> granite." Kit Carson was one such man.
>
> From fur trapper, to wilderness guide, to frontier warrior, Kit Carson was
> so much man that he actually defecated Chuck Norris. In the end, all he
> needed to feel complete was one more hot, brown meal so he could crack an
> amusing fart while arm wrestling with God.
>
> "I just wish I had time for one more bowl of chili."
An outlaw named "Cherokee Bill" who terrorized what is now Oklahoma
back over a hundred years ago; when they finally executed him (he had
killed ten men, I think, and he was only twenty), the hangman asked
him if he had any last words.
Bill replied, "Hell no. I came here to die, not make a speech."
And die he did.
http://www.tshaonline.org/handbook/online/articles/fgozv
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