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Column from Ask Amy on funerals
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Lenona
Jun 7, 2023, 11:46:03 AM6/7/23
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Arcamax doesn't seem to allow comments anymore, but you can find the same column at the Washington Post, with comments.
(At least with Arcamax, you don't have to worry about paywalls.)
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2831733?fs
"Dear Amy: Can you please settle a question?
"When a loved one dies, who should pay for a luncheon after the service?
"When my father passed away, I was in a poor financial situation (and still am).
"After the service, all I wanted to do was go home and have time to myself.
"I overheard several people grumbling about no after-service meal being readied for the mourners.
"Why should the grieving party have to be sure that attendees eat afterward?
"The family is going through enough losing someone dear to them without trying to come up with money to feed the crowd.
"I feel that if attendees want a meal after the service, someone should gather others and organize something.
"Your thoughts?"
– Grieving Daughter
"Dear Grieving: There is no one answer to this. Some families who have the means will cater a lunch. Other families will welcome mourners (many bearing casseroles), back to the home, where a friend or more distant family member will help to organize and serve.
"Others will meet at the corner pub to raise a glass in memory of the departed.
"In my church community, a group of volunteers fixes a simple lunch for those who attended a funeral at the church; the funds are donated by others.
"These gatherings can be positive experiences for family members; no doubt sometimes they are also absolutely exhausting.
"No matter what, you (the grieving party), were not responsible to pay for, feed and entertain people after your father’s funeral.
"The remarks you overheard were unconscionable, and have added to your burden during a very difficult time. I’m very sorry."
______________________________________________________
Me: But whatever you do, DON'T ask the mourners to pay for anything!
Yes, I understand that it's common to try to live above your means at your friends' expense, but it's still wrong.
I was appalled when an older relative of mine did just that at the memorial of her father - that is, everyone was expected to pitch in for the cost of renting the hall. Had I only known in advance, I would have done anything to stop that - even if the only other choice would have been holding the memorial in a small park, with nothing but cheese and crackers afterward.
As Miss Manners has often said (to the greedy hosts of festive parties, that is):
"If you can't afford champagne, serve punch. If you can't afford punch, serve water. But serve it graciously."
(At least with Arcamax, you don't have to worry about paywalls.)
https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2831733?fs
"Dear Amy: Can you please settle a question?
"When a loved one dies, who should pay for a luncheon after the service?
"When my father passed away, I was in a poor financial situation (and still am).
"After the service, all I wanted to do was go home and have time to myself.
"I overheard several people grumbling about no after-service meal being readied for the mourners.
"Why should the grieving party have to be sure that attendees eat afterward?
"The family is going through enough losing someone dear to them without trying to come up with money to feed the crowd.
"I feel that if attendees want a meal after the service, someone should gather others and organize something.
"Your thoughts?"
– Grieving Daughter
"Dear Grieving: There is no one answer to this. Some families who have the means will cater a lunch. Other families will welcome mourners (many bearing casseroles), back to the home, where a friend or more distant family member will help to organize and serve.
"Others will meet at the corner pub to raise a glass in memory of the departed.
"In my church community, a group of volunteers fixes a simple lunch for those who attended a funeral at the church; the funds are donated by others.
"These gatherings can be positive experiences for family members; no doubt sometimes they are also absolutely exhausting.
"No matter what, you (the grieving party), were not responsible to pay for, feed and entertain people after your father’s funeral.
"The remarks you overheard were unconscionable, and have added to your burden during a very difficult time. I’m very sorry."
______________________________________________________
Me: But whatever you do, DON'T ask the mourners to pay for anything!
Yes, I understand that it's common to try to live above your means at your friends' expense, but it's still wrong.
I was appalled when an older relative of mine did just that at the memorial of her father - that is, everyone was expected to pitch in for the cost of renting the hall. Had I only known in advance, I would have done anything to stop that - even if the only other choice would have been holding the memorial in a small park, with nothing but cheese and crackers afterward.
As Miss Manners has often said (to the greedy hosts of festive parties, that is):
"If you can't afford champagne, serve punch. If you can't afford punch, serve water. But serve it graciously."
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