Famous Ann Landers Essay (Only 17)
Tinman7828
Say what you want about Ann Landers advice, but there was one column by her
that has stuck with me since I read it as a kid in the early 1970s. Actually,
it gave me nightmares when I first read it. In High School, one of our
teachers had it mounted on a plaque on the classroom wall. Below is a version
of the column if you have never seen it (and it's on-topic!)
..................... .........................
........................
"Please, God, I'm Only 17"
The day I died was an ordinary school day. How I wish I had taken the bus. But
I was too cool for the bus. I remember how I wheedled the car out of Mom.
"Special favor," I pleaded. "All the kids drive."
When the 2:50 bell rang, I threw all of my books in the locker. I was free
until 8:40 tomorrow morning! I ran to the parking lot, excited at the thought
of driving a car and being my own boss. Free!
It doesn't matter how the accident happened. I was goofing off - - - going too
fast. Taking crazy chances. But I was enjoying my freedom and having fun. The
last thing I remember was passing an old lady who seemed to be going awfully
slow. I heard the deafening crash and felt a terrible jolt. Glass and steel
flew everywhere. My whole body seemed to be turning inside out. I heard myself
scream.
Suddently I awakened; it was very quiet. A police officer was standing over me.
Then I saw a doctor. My body was mangled. I was saturated with blood. Pieces of
jagged glass were sticking out all over. Strange that I couldn't feel anything.
Hey, don't pull tht sheet over my head! I can't be dead. I'm only 17. I've got
a date tonight. I'm supposed to grow up and have a wonderful life. I haven't
lived yet. I can't be dead!
Later I was placed in a drawer. My folks had to identify me. Why did they have
to see me like this? Why did I have to look into Mom's eyes when she faced the
most terrible ordeal of her life? Dad suddenly looked like an old man. He told
the man in charge, "Yes, he is my son."
The funeral was a weird experience. I saw all of my relatives and friends walk
toward the casket. They passed by, one by one, and looked at me with the
saddest eyes I've ever seen. A few of the girls touched my hand and sobbed as
they walked away.
Please - - - somebody - - - wake me up! Get me out of here! I can't bear to see
my mom and dad so broken up. My grandparents are so racked with grief they can
hardly walk. My brothers and sisters are like zombies. In a daze, everybody. No
one can believe this. And I can't believe it, either.
Please don't bury me! I'm not dead! I have a lot of living to do! I want to
laugh and run again. I want to sing and dance. Please don't put me in the
ground. I promise if you give me one more chance, God, I'll be the most careful
driver in the whole world. All I want is one more chance! Please, God, I'm only
17!
The author of the above is unknown. This story has been seen Ann Lander's
column and has been requested repeatedly as a reprint over the years and
appeared in one of Ann Landers' books.
Wanderer
>
>
> "Please, God, I'm Only 17"
>
<SNIP>
Ooooh, this stoy gives me "douche chills"!
W
To...@fred.net
Scary and effective, but a theological nightmare.
If my memory serves me correctly, on 24 Jun 2002 06:31:53 GMT, Tinman7828 issued the following challenge to face my invincible Iron Chefs:
: It doesn't matter how the accident happened. I was goofing off - - - going too
: fast. Taking crazy chances.
So, it was YOUR fault.
But I was enjoying my freedom and having fun. The
: last thing I remember was passing an old lady who seemed to be going awfully
: slow.
Couldn't be the old lady plowing into you, after all.
: Suddently I awakened; it was very quiet. A police officer was standing over me.
: Then I saw a doctor. My body was mangled. I was saturated with blood. Pieces of
: jagged glass were sticking out all over. Strange that I couldn't feel anything.
Hereafter Observation #1: There is no pain in out of body experience.
: The funeral was a weird experience. I saw all of my relatives and friends walk
: toward the casket. They passed by, one by one, and looked at me with the
: saddest eyes I've ever seen. A few of the girls touched my hand and sobbed as
: they walked away.
Hereafter Observation #2: You stick around for the funeral. Note there is
no "bright light".
: Please - - - somebody - - - wake me up!
Hereafter Observation #3: You're not dead, you're just resting.
: Please don't bury me! I'm not dead! I have a lot of living to do! I want to
: laugh and run again. I want to sing and dance. Please don't put me in the
: ground. I promise if you give me one more chance, God, I'll be the most careful
: driver in the whole world. All I want is one more chance! Please, God, I'm only
: 17!
Hereafter Observation #4: You're still conscious, even after they close the
lid and bury you.
So, thanks to Ann Landers, we know that there is no Heaven in the
afterlife, no Crossing Over, no bright light or reunion with past loved
one. All that happens is that we're aware that we are dead, our conscious
remains, and we're stuck with being with the body after it's buried.
Well, that frees up my Sunday Mornings, thank you.
But at least it keeps the kids from driving fast.
--
To...@Fred.Net http://www.fred.net/tomr
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"Shut up and eat or the fun is over!" - Ronnie Cooke, "Boston Public"
Mary Kay Bergman 1961-1999
"It's been a lot of fun." - Alison Brooks
J.D. Baldwin
In the previous article, R. <r747*@earthlink.net> wrote:
> Of all the requested reprints she has ever received, she said
> this one was her most requested. And I'm glad, as I'm sure it has
> saved a few young peoples' lives she she first printed it.
> This was obviously the basis of the joke line that sent J.D. into
> gales and fits of laughter by our pun poster ObitsMan after Ann
> Landers died: "Please, God, I'm only 88 (nee, 83)."
It was indeed the reference point for that great joke by ObitsMan.
I will say that, for all my negative feelings about Landers (and her
sister), and for all the incredible corniness of that "I'm Only 17"
piece, I would wager that it *has* saved quite a few lives. You can't
cure stupidity, but you can occasionally mitigate it, and the piece
may be wayyyyyy over-the-top, but a few new young driver might well
have found it just sobering enough to pay it at least a little bit of
attention.
So I can at least give her credit for that.
--
_+_ From the catapult of |If anyone disagrees with any statement I make, I
_|70|___:)=}- J.D. Baldwin |am quite prepared not only to retract it, but also
\ / bal...@panix.com|to deny under oath that I ever made it. -T. Lehrer
***~~~~-----------------------------------------------------------------------
MadCow57
awfully slow.<<
Reminds me of an awful story about two of my cousins, Mike and Ray. Ray had
just bought a red Corvette and gave Mike a ride in it to their grandmother's
funeral. They got to chatting while in the funeral procession (on the
Washington Beltway) and forgot why they were there. Ray said, "damn, this
traffic is slow," gunned it, and pulled out of the line. Passing the hearse
was a real "oh, shit" moment.