Flame

[Nomen Nescio]

To

Dear,
[ ] Troller
[ ] WaReZdOOd
[ ] Spammer
[ ] (political spammer)
[ ] (religious spammer)
[ ] Fundamentalist
[ ] "Objectivist"
[ ] Scientologist
[ ] Satanist
[ ] Nazi
[ ] Racist
[ ] Anonymous remailer
[ ] AOLer/Web TVer/Deja.com user
[ ] Clueless Newbie
[ ] "Me too"-er
[ ] Waster of bandwidth
[ ] Lamer
[ ] "Expert"
[ ] Net.cop
[ ] Unbearably self-righteous person
[ ] Pervert
[ ] Kook
[ ] Clown
[ ] Misguided twit
[ ] Cretin
[ ] Tool
[ ] Idiot
[ ] Fiend
[ ] Braindead
[ ] Evolutionary Dead End
[ ] Miscellaneous loser

**********************************************

You are being flamed because

[ ] You are a troller
[ ] You posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message
[ ] You said "X rules, Y sucks" and gave no support for your
lame
statement
[ ] You posted another blatantly obvious troll
[ ] You are a spammer
[ ] ...an
[ ] political spammer
[ ] religious spammer
[ ] anti-religious spammer
- but still a spammer!
[ ] You offered warez
[ ] You requested warez
[ ] You defended a WaReZdOOd
[ ] You are a filthy Ferengi
[ ] To get your questionable posting to this NG, you use
[ ] AOL
[ ] Web TV
[ ] deja.com
[ ] not even your brain...
[ ] You go through ISPs like most people go through underwear
[ ] You started a long, stupid thread
[ ] ... and you continued to feed it
[ ] ... and you keep starting more of them!
[ ] You started a flamewar
[ ] ... by flaming someone in a stupid way
[ ] ... by trolling
[ ] ... by kooking
[ ] You flamed someone
[ ] ...who has been around far longer than you.
[ ] ...who is far more intelligent and witty than you.
[ ] You flamed someone for a spelling error.
[ ] ... and you misspelled something in the process
[ ] You have no grasp of the intricate nature of the English
language.
[ ] You posted a followup to crossposted robot-generated spam.
[ ] You followed up to a blatantly obvious troll.
[ ] You obviously don't know anything about the topic at hand but
pretend to be an encyclopedia and to know more than Newton, Ohm,
Voltaire et al.
[ ] You said "me too" to something
[ ] You cannot recognize sarcasm
[ ] You crossposted
[ ] ...to far too many groups
[ ] ...to the wrong groups
[ ] You posted messages like this far too often to this newsgroup
[ ] You don't know which group to post in
[ ] You posted in ALL CAPS
[ ] You posted in eLiTe CaPs
[ ] Your margin settings (or lack of) make your post unreadable
[ ] You made a post yet failed to say anything
[ ] ...after quoting an entire post and adding a reply of 0
LINES
[ ] Your sig is longer than your response
[ ] ...and it makes no sense whatsoever
[ ] ...and it contains the same kind of garbage as your post
[ ] You posted a "test" in a discussion group rather than in
alt.test
[ ] You have failed to understand
[ ] ... the subject of discussion
[ ] ... the purpose of the group(s)
[ ] ... the purpose of the Usenet
[ ] ... the purpose of normal human communication
[ ] ... the difference between the WWW and the Usenet.
[ ] ... You have, quite simply, failed to understand.
...and your lack of understanding is really disgusting!
[ ] You are desperate for attention
[ ] You make no sense
[ ] You have posted absolute garbage and I can tell you that I don't
say that just because I don't like you.
[ ] You are not funny OR clever
[ ] You suck
[ ] I just don't like you
[ ] ...anymore
[ ] ...and never did
[ ] ...and no one else does either
[ ] Any of these things has been pointed out to you before.
[ ] ... to the point of ad nauseam
[ ] ... and you don't bother listening

**********************************************

To repent you must

[ ] Buy a legitimate copy of all your pirated junk
[ ] Not bother getting a new account when this one is pulled
[ ] Be the guest of honor in
[ ] alt.flame
[ ] alt.newbies
[ ] alt.test
[ ] alt.usenet.kooks
...for a
[ ] month
[ ] year
[ ] century
[ ] Read every newsgroup you posted to for a week
[ ] Post to alt.test
[ ] ...and nowhere else anymore.
[ ] Read all newbie FAQs that you can find
[ ] ... and pay attention this time
[ ] ... and memorize them all
[ ] ...and when you've finished that, read the FAQ of _this_ NG!
[ ] Learn how to spell and use English properly
[ ] ... and as you can't even use
[ ] English
[ ] your mother tongue
properly, don't dare trying to use other languages!
[ ] Learn to turn off the CAPS LOCK before you type and how to use
the
Shift key the right way
[ ] Give up your AOL account / Web TV / Browser
[ ] Live what you preach
[ ] Grow up
[ ] Beg for forgiveness
[ ] Promise that you won't post such a garbage anymore
[ ] ...and actually post something relevant instead.
[ ] Refrain from posting until you have a vague idea what you're
doing
[ ] Wear a T-shirt with the words
[ ] "I am an idiot" (front)
[ ] "kick me" (back)
[ ] "Learn what you know. Share what you don´t."
for the next two months.
[ ] Go hide under a Bridge. If you do not have a bridge, we can
sell you one named Brooklyn
[ ] Tell your Mommy to up your medication
[ ] Go find a hose
[ ] Hit your head hard against the nearest wall.
[ ] Give up your Newsreader
[ ] Eat your modem
[ ] Type format c: /u at your nearest DOS prompt
[ ] See how long it takes to fall down the Grand Canyon
[ ] Go to the top of the Empire State and attempt to defy gravity
[ ] Shove a Cinnabon into your computer. Without replacing the
case, ground yourself to the Power Supply and turn computer on

**********************************************

In closing, I would like to say

[ ] Die, spammer!
[ ] Buy your own software
[ ] CAPS LOCK! It's on the left!
[ ] HTML belongs on the WWW, not on Usenet
[ ] The number of lines to your actual response is equivalent to
the square of your IQ.
[ ] Learn to read headers!
[ ] Go back to your little Nintendo, assmunch.
[ ] Get a clue! (If necessary, buy one!)
[ ] Get a life!
[ ] AOL/Web TV/deja.com sucks!
[ ] I pity your dog
[ ] Binaries do not belong in Binary groups.