HUMOUR: YES LYRICS TO BE ADDED TO NEW TESTAMENT
Phil Mahoney
From "The Onion" (http://www.theonion.com)
YES LYRICS TO BE ADDED TO NEW TESTAMENT
VATICAN CITY--In the first-ever union of the Word of God
and the Synthesizer, the Catholic Church's College of Cardinals
voted unanimously Monday to incorporate the lyrics of Yes into
the New Testament.
The resulting new Bible, the Revised Standard YesScriptures,
will replace the Jerusalem Bible of 1966 as the standard accepted
record and vehicle of divine revelation.
"Let us rejoice in this momentous occasion," said Pope John
Paul II in a special service at St. Peter's. "And let no man be
unmoved, remembering the words of Jesus: 'In and around the
lake, mountains come out of the sky, and they stand there.'
Amen."
In addition to a number of new sections, including the
four-part Book of Bruford (a. Cord of Life; b. Eclipse; c. The
Preacher; d. The Apocalypse), the revised YesScriptures will
feature a dazzling, airbrushed gatefold by artist Roger Dean.
Perhaps the most significant change is a more complete history of the
life of Christ. In the revised account of Christ's
temptation by Satan, the Lord and Savior is brought to a mountaintop
overlooking a pastel landscape filled with exotic,
half-melted rock formations and wispy, cloudlike trees. Christ, though
tempted, "can see all good people turn their heads each
day, and, so satisfied, He continues on His way."
Christ's rejection of the Lord Of Lies is then followed by a 16-minute
keyboard solo by synthesizer maestro Rick
Wakeman.
"God's word is not always clear, and neither is the path Jesus wants us
to take in life," New York's Cardinal O'Connor said
of the new scriptures. "But when Jesus tells His disciples at the Last Supper
to eat of His body and drink of His blood, for 'He
can feel no sense of measure, no illusions as He taketh refuge in young man's
pleasure,' I as a Christian take comfort in these
words."
Despite being called for by pro-Yes movements within the Church for
decades, the decision marks the first official Catholic
acknowledgement of Yes-inclusive language and Yes-positive Biblical
interpretations as actually being the Divine Word.
"The Holy See's decision is a victory for progressives everywhere," said
Jethro Tull frontman and longtime Christian Ian
Anderson. "The updated Bible passages reflect the tremendously significant
role that the concept album plays in our modern
lives."
The Catholic Church is not the first religious sect to embrace
progressive-rock reform. Since 1974, Reform Jews have, as
part of Rosh Hashanah services, sung verses from The Book Of Genesis Featuring
Peter Gabriel. For years, Unitarian
educators have taught the works of Emerson, Lake, and Palmer, including Brain
Salad Surgery.
Though the majority of Bible scholars are welcoming the new
YesScriptures, a small minority stands strongly opposed.
"The messages in the YesScriptures are rarely clear and almost always of
questionable morality," said Michael Fox, chair of
Yale University's Divinity School. "While Christ's message may seem obvious
when, in Howe 3:16, He sayeth unto James the
Lesser: 'Owner of a lonely heart, yea, much better than thee, O owner of a
broken heart,' it is possible that this passage contains
intended irony on the part of the Savior, and that the verse actually
signifies a message of profound sympathy for the
broken-hearted heart-owners of Mankind."
"The Word of God is the rock upon which we have built the Catholic
Church," Fox concluded. "It is not Fragile."