A Halloween Story...
CW
Rush mailing list I used to subscribe to. With All Hallow's
Eve upon us once again, I figgered I'd regurgitate here for
all the newsgroupies. Enjoy!
...Detective Jamison received word from headquarters. Apparently,
a prominent Canadian musician had been experiencing bizarre results
from tremendous growth spurts in his nose. Doctors were only able
to witness Mr. Lee's nose expand to "the size of coconut" before the
wealthy musician retreated into hiding. Considering the rate of
growth witnessed in the lab, it is believed that Mr. Lee's nose could
now be enlarged to dramatic proportions. The report on Jamison's
desk painted a grim picture; it introduced a stark reality he had
to face.
Jamison decided that something must be done. He organized his men
and set out to Mr. Lee's isolated mansion in suburbian Toronto,
concerned for the safety of Mr. Lee and his family.
Approaching the Lee residence, Jamison waved a few of his men over
to the front door, where they got ready to force themselves into the
home. With a shattering BOOM!, the door crashed down from the force
of two strong men. Neither Jamison or his deputies were prepared for
the hideous being on the other side.
Looming before them was an unbelievable sight--Mr. Lee's huge nose
had now consumed his entire body! There, right in front of the main
staircase, lurked a most formidable, gigantic nose! The nasal entity
was unphased by the petty intrusion, and defiantly towered seven feet
tall with nostrils dangling hairs the size of rope. Immense puddles
of nasal fluid coated the hardwood floor, as was quickly discovered
by the first brave souls to enter the house. After slipping on the
runny goo, the men were snorted up into the huge nostrils of the
Killer Nose. Their desperate screams echoed through the deep caverns
of each mutated nostril.
Jamison suddenly became numb with horror. One of his men, still
standing close to the fallen door, could not move fast enough. A
number of the rope-like nose hairs quickly sprung out to wrap up his
legs as if they were held by steel cabling. The man fell from the
force of a powerful yank, and was soon reeled in by the carniverous
Killer Nose. As its prey hopelessly dug his nails into the floor, the
monstrous Nose showed no difficulty in slowly dragging the poor
victim to his death. The giant Killer Nose had now become an
insatiable, merciless hunter, ready to snort any person that dared
to approach; ready to inhale any human like a squealing pig being
ushered to its imminent slaughter.
Jamison knew that drastic measures were needed. The Killer Nose
had grown three feet taller from its newly digested meal, and was
still hungry for more meat. The gaping nostrils now spread at least
four feet in diameter, each thick nose hair dangling & swinging like
a hangman's noose.
The bold detective made a running dive into the doorway, sliding
headfirst on his belly past the Killer Nose. After gliding through
the booger fluid like Pete Rose diving into third base, Jamison found
himself safely in the kitchen. Curiously, the kitchen appeared to be
untouched--no grotesque boogers, no disgusting fluid, no stray nose
hairs.
Just as Jamison was planning his next move he noticed he had company.
Now hulking in the kitchen entrance was the predator, pulsating and
flaring with vengence! The next sorry victim was now trapped.
Slowly, but surely, the Killer Nose clumsily wobbled across the
kitchen floor towards Jamison. Instinct told him to climb up on the
kitchen sink, but the frantic detective soon realized he was still
vulnerable. Jamison pointed his pistol at the Nose hoping to land
a fatal bullet. In an instant, the creature reared back on its
haunches and spurted out a gargantuan nugget! The immense boogerball
shot out of the nasal cannon and enveloped Jamison's entire hand and
firearm, rendering them both useless.
Now without the help of his boogery hand, Jamison made a dash to the
top of the refrigerator. The Nose quickly turned, brooding over its
next move; preparing to make the final attack. The detective was
hopelessly cornered. Surely he was doomed, and his life started
passing before him faster than the time it takes to sneeze.
To sneeze....
...Jamison suddenly had a flash of desperate brilliance! He turned
to the cupboard above the icebox and found exactly what he needed.
Swiftly grabbing the perfect weapon, Jamison unscrewed the lid and
threw the jar of black pepper towards the monster. The glass jar
crashed to the ground, exploding into a black cloud. Jamison,
sensing the obvious, retreated to a tuck position and covered his
head............
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!! (Bwa-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)
Carving my pumpkin so it looks just like ol' Neil,
Alfred Hitchuck