Eddie Vedder FACTS
Michael Lita Smells
Eddie Vedder uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the
pleasure.
Eddie Vedder ' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Eddie Vedder has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay,
but because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Eddie
Vedder can kill him and take it.
Eddie Vedder once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot
broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart
while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Eddie Vedder doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets
the information he wants.
If you ask Eddie Vedder what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you
in the face.
Eddie Vedder only masturbates to pictures of Eddie Vedder .
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Eddie Vedder instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter
he grew a beard.
Eddie Vedder appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a
roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied,
"That's no glitch."
Eddie Vedder lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Eddie Vedder was born, roundhouse kick related
deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Eddie Vedder sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his
soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every
second Wednesday of the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Eddie Vedder brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
gathered, Eddie Vedder roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its
neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good
Chuck, he taketh away.
Eddie Vedder 's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW
DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF Eddie Vedder !" and ripped out her
throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he
bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he
realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone
within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Eddie Vedder does not sleep. He waits.
Eddie Vedder built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with
his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
amazement.
Eddie Vedder is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Eddie
Vedder Eddie Vedder was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus
the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their
combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after
all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Eddie Vedder
smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing
for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Eddie Vedder .
Eddie Vedder does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
There is no chin behind Eddie Vedder ' beard. There is only another
fist.
Eddie Vedder once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high
school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the
referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child.
Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and
then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Eddie Vedder
--more than meets the eye, Eddie Vedder --robot in disguise," and
starred Eddie Vedder as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far
too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
The chief export of Eddie Vedder is pain.
Eddie Vedder is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
trademarked names for his left and right legs.
When Eddie Vedder plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat
on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
It was once believed that Eddie Vedder actually lost a fight to a
pirate, but that is a lie, created by Eddie Vedder himself to lure
more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Eddie Vedder recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Eddie Vedder used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a
director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm
Eddie Vedder ," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper,
what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Eddie Vedder .
If you can see Eddie Vedder , he can see you. If you can't see Eddie
Vedder , you may be only seconds away from death.
On the 7th day, God rested.... Eddie Vedder took over.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Eddie
Vedder plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to
the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Eddie Vedder .
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest
substance. But then they met Eddie Vedder , who gave them a roundhouse
kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the
scientists turned into artificial Eddie Vedder .
God offered Eddie Vedder the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined
for super strength roundhouse ability.
When Eddie Vedder was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it
was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Eddie Vedder drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck's quack does not echo. Eddie Vedder is solely responsible for
this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Eddie Vedder once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess.
When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the
side of the face.
Eddie Vedder ' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from
outer space by the naked eye.
Eddie Vedder doesn't believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Eddie Vedder ' enemies, just check the extinct
species list.
Eddie Vedder has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
When Eddie Vedder ' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He
came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and
when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came
with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he
gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Eddie
Vedder ."
Eddie Vedder once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"
Eddie Vedder doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know
who would win? Eddie Vedder .
Ironically, Eddie Vedder ' hidden talent is invisibility.
Eddie Vedder eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out
transformed into a robot.
Eddie Vedder owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him
win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a
2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a
monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.
Eddie Vedder invented a language that incorporates karate and
roundhouse kicks. So next time Eddie Vedder is kicking your ass,
don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes
your hat.
Eddie Vedder invented water.
Eddie Vedder went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked
to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half
someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank
it, and then burned the place to the ground. Eddie Vedder yelled over
the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Eddie Vedder accidentally
lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day
by its technical term: Jupiter.
Contrary to popular belief, Eddie Vedder , not the box jellyfish of
northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3
minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following
symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans,
and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Eddie Vedder is Luke Skywalker's real father.
Eddie Vedder does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a
word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred
when Eddie Vedder roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Eddie Vedder can
be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse
kicks.
Dirk Diggler
"Michael Lita Smells" <betterv...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:ea60a969-a6e1-409f...@1g2000hsl.googlegroups.com...
> Ok...so I ripped them off.
>
Especially since Chuck is still in a couple of them. But still funny.
DD
Dirk Diggler
"Dirk Diggler" <di...@dirk.org> wrote in message
news:13nq22b...@corp.supernews.com...
http://www.cafepress.com/buy/mike+huckabee/-/pv_design_details/pg_3/id_23760192/opt_/fpt_/c_666/
DD
Jett Karma
"Michael Lita Smells" <betterv...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:ea60a969-a6e1-409f...@1g2000hsl.googlegroups.com...
>
>
Like, this is a surprise or something about Vader?
These were funny. My youngest kid, about to graduate high school, let me
know that Chuck Norris jokes are the biggest thing out there. Even bigger
than Eddie Vedder, which, come to think of it, is not that hard to
physically be, particualarly if you join the Cookie of the Day Club. :)
--Jett