Jokes into songs

[Pick-Up Man]

Jokes turned into songs...    
Subject: Jokes turned into songs...
From: lamarca
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 04:27 PM
Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'
Seeing yet another thread on "Why Paddy's Not at Work Today" (under all
its various names), I started thinking of other jokes or comedy routines
that have been turned into songs. Of course, there's the classic
"Arkansas Traveller" stringing together of one-liners, but I thought we
could have fun listing songs that started out as old (or new) jokes.
One classic is Mike Cross' song, The Scotsman's Kilt
And John McCutcheon and friends put an old urban legend to music in The
$65 Sportscar
I've recently heard this classic re-told about Bill Clinton and a nubile
young lady...The Vicar and the Frog
Then there's Matt McGinn's setting of the old tale of the defeat of Rome
by the canny Scot, Grigaloo
I've heard Ed Miller sing a song version about the old lady, the genie,
and her beloved cat, the punch line of which is "Boy are YOU going to be
sorry you took me to the vet..." - doesn't seem to be in the DT, and I
haven't got the words or the tune.
Any others that folks like? Enter them in if you know them and the DT
doesn't have them yet!
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 04:29 PM
As long as you're not discussing how some performers turn songs into
jokes...
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 04:39 PM
Martin Carthy does a good one about a lady who is abused by her drunken
husband, until finally she snaps, and sews him into the bed. He wakes up
thinking he has been paralysed, and then proceeds to get soundly whupped
by the wife with a frying pan. Can't remember it all, just like Martin
when he did it at Towersey 3 years ago....
LTS
A STITCH IN TIME
link added by a Joe clone
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: MMario
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 04:47 PM
the joke about the old lady and her cat is "The dundee Cat" - see here
for old thread with lyrics and tune
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: MMario
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 04:55 PM
ANGUS AND THE KILT (Wench Works)
VIRTUE - Brian Leo
Drunken Suitor
THE CRAYFISH
Lady Beverly
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: A. Non
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 04:58 PM
An example is given and many others cited from 'The Greater Book of the
Bawdy Celts' in the article available in the thread BS: Galore of
Celtica. Non-Celtic is "The Dumb Maid", or "Dumb, Dumb, Dumb". We have
also "The Burning of Old Simon", (Widow of Ephesus modernized) "The
Devil and the Farmer's Wife", "The Friar in the Well", "The Wee Cooper
of Fife" (Wife wrapt in Morrel's Skin), "The Boy and the Mantle", and on
and on.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Art Thieme
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 05:49 PM
I heard a joke about a guy who took his shoes in to be repaired---came
back 10 years later after finding the claim ticket. He was told that the
shoes wouldn't be ready until next Thursday.
I took this basic joke, made a broken token song out of it and Emily
Friedman named it "THAT'S THE TICKET" even though she says she didn't. I
gave it to her to print in Come For To Sing Magazine with no title
'cause I'd never named it. When the magazine was issued, the song was
printed under this title. No matter, as I've said, it's a stupid little
hairball of a song. I think it's in the DB.
Art
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Subject: Lyr Add: THE WIDOW AND THE FAIRY (Fred Wedlock)^^
From: Susanne (skw)
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 07:19 PM
This comes from The Corries' 'The Dawning of the Day' album (1982) -
'The Widow and the Fairy', credited to Fred Wedlock.
In a crumbling ruined hole condemned for years
There lived a woman, such a kind old dear
For forty years in a basement flat
No friend had she but her old tomcat.
One Christmas Eve she sat cold and glum
When a blinding flash lit up her lonely slum
And there stood a fairy saying, Have no fear
To grant three wishes they have sent me here.
With trembling hands she held forth her purse
A widow's pension don't go far, of course
The fairy waved her wand around
And on the floor lay ten thousand pounds.
A gorgeous figure and a face divine
Oh all my life have I wished them mine
Hold tight, said the fairy, And I'll have a go
And made her look like Brigitte Bardot.
This gorgeous figure, in the chair she sat
When she chanced to spy her old tomcat
He's my only friend, so if you can
Make him my handsome young fancyman.
This handsome youth to the girl drew near
And whispered softly all in her ear
Oh the night is young - but you'll regret
The day you took me to see the vet.
Remarkably close to 'The Dundee Cat' mentioned above, isn't it? And not
the only example I've heard of Fred Wedlock managing to write a song
very close to what someone else had written (but neglected to copyright)
before him.
About 'The $65 Sportscar': I've heard it credited to Charlie King. Help,
someone, please?
And Liz, the song you are thinking of is 'A Stitch In Time' by Mike
Waterson, who indeed wrote it after reading about it in a Hull
newspaper. I think it was posted to a thread some months ago, maybe last
year.
Two more examples of jokes turnd into songs are the one about the man
who drinks his whole collection of miniature whisky bottles (from the
Hamish Imlach thread) and 'Paddy and the Bricks', also discussed in a
recent and a less recent thread. - Susanne
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Subject: Lyr Add: THE RABBI AND THE PRIEST(?)^^
From: Melbert
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 07:58 PM
I got these lyrics from an old Paddy Roberts album, though I usually use
the same tune as "the sick note".
You've heard about the rabbi and the Irish priest
who in things ecclesiastic were opposed to say the least.
They found themselves together at the closing of the day
and got in conversation in a friendly sort of way.
Good rabbi said the padre 'tis inquisitive I am
have you never had a sample of the bacon or the ham?
for I'm prepared to wager that from Tel Aviv to Cork
there's nothing like the flavour of a side of pickled pork.
The rabbi looked around him and he murmured soft and low
He said I will confess to you that many years ago
I had a slice of bacon, though I knew I never should.
Confidentially, the rabbis said, it tasted pretty good.
An now that I have satisfied your curiosity
I wonder, said the rabbi, would you do the same for me?
For though I know, the rabbi said, that you may never wed
Have you never known the sweetness of a woman in your bed?
The old priest whispered softly and he said I'll tell the truth.
It happened many years ago when I was but a youth.
Her hair was black, her lips were red, her eyes were starry bright
and 'twas she said he who led me to the devil for the night.
The rabbi smiled a little smile and slowly winked his eye
he said I'll keep your secret and on that you can rely.
There's just one thing I'd like to say before we end our talk.
You must admit it's nicer than a slice of pickled pork!
(well----- I thought it was funny, anyway!)
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Melbert
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 08:03 PM
On reflection, and having now considered the prospect of another night
with my missus, I might just give my vote to the pork!
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: ddw
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 08:52 PM
Joel Mabus does a great song on his Short Stories CD called THE PREACHER
AND THE FLOOD that I heard as a joke about 35 years ago. But Mabus's
version still makes me laugh.
david
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: MAG (inactive)
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 09:23 PM
Here's mine, for what it's worth: (no tomatos, please)
There's a bike in the middle of the room
There's a bike in the middle of the room
There's a bike, there's a bike, there's a bike inthe middle of the room
There's a shed for the bike, in the middle of the room,
Therea shed for the bike in the middle of the room, ...
Busted door on the shed for the bike in the middle ...
Leaves blocking busted door on the shed for the bike ...
Shredder's plugged for the leaves blocking door on ...
My song is ended, and I think that's good ...
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Bruce O.
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 10:03 PM
About half a dozen songs labeled 'Folktale' are in the Scarce Songs 1
file on my website. Some have the reference numbers of the Arne-Thompson
'Types of the Folktale' attached (This I have). However, Arne-Thompson
steered as clear as possible from the bawdy ones, ignoring those most
likely to be found in folksong and ballad versions. G. Legman in 'The
Hornbook' noted that Ernest Baughman had prepared an index of English
and German jestbooks as part of a Ph.D thesis, at that time unpublished.
Does anyone know if that's been published, or if it's included in
Baughman's 'Type and Motif-Index of the Folktales of England and
America' (which I don't have)?
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Sandy Paton
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 11:06 PM
What about a song turned into a joke (Greenhaus' comment, above, aside)?
Bruce Phillips (U. Utah, Golden Voice of the Great Southwest) heard the
song "MOOSE TURD PIE" -- the same one that Kendall Morse recorded for us
on his Seagulls and Summer People album/cassette -- and, not knowing the
song, turned it into the joke he made into a national catch-phrase.
Sandy
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Bruce O.
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 11:09 PM
That 'Motif-Index' bit in Baughman's title rather scared me off his
published book, which may actually be quite worthwhile. That motif
business is sometimes nothing but a long list of euphemisms, e.g.:
Penis: pin, needle, pen, knife, dagger, rapier, sword, spear, lance,
arrow, bow, canon, gun, rifle, bayonet, poker, and other tools of
various types, etc.
Vagina; her black; black joke; ink well, 'xyz' hole; quiver, sheath,
scabbard, purse, pin cushion, fiddle, portal, gates, fortress, keep (as
opposed to breastworks), powder room, etc.
The chapter 'Toward a Motif-Index of Erotic Humour' in Legman's 'The
Hornbook' provides several example of joke/song versions.
He noted there that Arne-Thompson assigned numbers X700-799 the title
"Humour Concerning Sex", but left it blank.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Sandy Paton
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 11:43 PM
Bruce: Did you find out whether or not Baughman's work was published? No
response from Bookfinder, but it might have been titled in a
less-academic manner for popular consumption. It's not listed in the
bibliography of Blow the Candles Out, which is probably Legman's most
recent and most complete list of published sources. I don't have his two
Limerick books up here (and I'm too lazy to go down and look), but I
assume you've already looked there.
Sandy
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Bruce O.
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 11:51 PM
Sandy, the one by Baughman whose one whose title I quoted was taken from
the bibliography of Randolph's 'Pissing in the Snow'. I tried
www.booksfinder.com and found only a different work that Baughman had
collaborated on, but not, as best as I could judge, related to our topic
here.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: annamill
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 11:53 PM
Hey, what happened to my posting here?? Did my mentioning Reader's
Digest cause a problem? I read that story about the $65 dollor sports
car years ago there. Only it was $50 dollars. Hey!!!
L,A.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Sandy Paton
Date: 24 Nov 99 - 03:34 AM
Inflation, AnnP! As the old story said "Now we're just dickering over
the price!"
I'm gonna have to do more looking, Bruce. I have the Randolph book,
which I will use to make sure my search is based on the right spelling
of everything. I checked Bookfinder, too; now I'll try half a dozen
other sites. That's my favorite recreation, since I got old and fat.
Sandy
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Subject: Lyr Add: THE FRIAR AND THE NUN^^
From: Bruce O.
Date: 24 Nov 99 - 03:57 AM
Jokes/tale to song - oldies. ZN numbers locate the songs in the
broadside ballad index on my website.
A. C. Mery Talys, 1526 = ACMT
Rowland's Godson (mistress and apprentice convince foolish husband he
didn't seen them in bed) ACMT #3 and Heptameron; ZN2546
Of the maid washing clothes and answered the friar, ACMT #23; "Stow the
Friar" in Pills to Purge Melancholy
Of the gentleman that base the siege board around his neck, ACMT #26;
tale and song recent "Bonnie Wee Window" thread and DT's WEEWINDO
Cuckold Cap, ACMT #28; song version in The Merry Medley, and broadside
in Holloway and Black's 'Later English Broadside Ballads', I, #78
The dumb maid, ACMT #62; ZN143, DT file DUMBDUMB
Butcher and the Taylors wife, ACMT #76 & Les Cent Nouvelles, Nouvelles,
#4
Man with two sons, ACMT #96; miller's will adds another son
Burning of old John, ACMT #100, broadside on my website.
From Tales and Quick Answers, c 1535, T&QA, the following twist on the
Widow of Westmorland's daughter"
There was a man upon a time which proffered his daughter to a young man
in marriage, the which the young man refused her, saying that she was
too young to be married.
"I wis," quoth her foolish father, "she is more able than ye ween. For
she hath borne three children by our parish clerk"
There's a variant where the smarter father admitted his daughter had
borne a child, "But it was only a very little one". An analogue in later
jokes is that the daughter is 'slightly pregnant' [more direct Widow's
Daughter below]
Of the merchant that lost his budget between Ware and London, T&QA #16;
[Solomon and his jester Marcolf] Percy Folio MS and broadside, ZN1528
Of the jealous man T&QA [Carvel's Ring] song versions with tunes on my
website
Of him that sought his wife against the stream, T&QA, #55, song in Merry
Medley, 1744 [Tale from 1001 nights]
Of the young man of Bruges and his spouse, T&QA #73, and Les Cent
Nouelles Nouvelles; "Widow of Westmorland's daughter".
There are some good jokes that would make good songs, but for which I've
found no song version, e.g.,
Wits, Fits and Fancies, 1614:
A man had a shrewd wife, and one dy broke her head, the cure wherof cost
him dear expense afterwards; insomuch that his wife in regard thereof
said on a time unto her Gossips, "Faith, my husband will not dare give
me no more broken heads in haste, considering how dear he finds them in
the cure."
Her husband, hearing of such her braves [boasts] sent the next day for
the Surgeons and Apothecaries, and in her presence paid them all their
bills and gave each of them twenty shillings over and above, saying,
"Hold this, Sirs, against the next time."
Legman, in 'The Hornbook', gives the modern erotic version:
A Jewish rabbi temporarily replaces a Catholic priest in the
confessional, and deals out identical penances to the women who present
themselves for absolution; telling the last woman (who had sinned only
once) to say there paternosters and put three dollars in the poor-box,
and the church will owe her two more acts of intercourse.
This stumped Legman, who couldn't figure out if it was anti- Jewish, or
anti-Catholic.
Errant friars, and women's (including nuns) confessions are common in
old stories [Decameron, Heptameron, Tales of Alfonse and Poge, Les Cent
Nouvelles] too many to keep track of. See the bawdy Fryar and the Nun on
my website for such an English song, and its remarkable reoccurance in a
book of Christmas carols.
Here's one of c 1710 that's been widely reprinted, but seems to have
escaped the DT so far. This was also called "The Friar and the Nun"
which occassionally leads to confusion about its tune, which appears
under both titles in the Irish tune index on my website, but isn't the
old tune called "The Friar and the Nun"
A Lovely Lass to a friar came
To confess in the morning early,
In what, my dear, are you to blame?
Come tell me most sincerely."
"I have done, sir, what I dare not name,
With a lad that love me dearly.
"The greatest fault in myself I know
In what I now discover."
"You for that fault to Rome must go
Or discipline would suffer."
"Lack-a-day, sir, if it must be so,
Pray send me with my lover."
"Oh, no, no, no, my dear, you dream;
We'll have no double dealing.
But if with me you'll repeat the same
I'll pardon your past failing."
"I own, sir, but I blush with shame,
Your penance is prevailing."
[ABC of tune for this is B296 on my website]
There's another song I can't find at the moment: Nun Jane had confessed
that she had slept with a man, and got a very light penance. Two other
nuns, knowing they would get a penance no matter what they did, decided
to follow Jane's example.
But it didn't do to over-do that sort of thing, as two nuns discovered
in another tale. The fair young nun who slept with a young man only once
got a light penance, but the older nun who slept with an old friar
twice, only God could forgive, the confessor couldn't.
Unfortunately we do not have the song of tune of another piece of 1614:
A gentleman that played very well on the Bandore [roughly bass guitar]
and had but a bad voice, played and sung in an Evening under his
Mistress's window, and when he had done, asked her how she liked his
music. She answered, "You have played very well, and you have sung too."
[Politically Correct is nothing new]
There's a common tale, in Gargantua and Pantagruel, one of Andrew
Borde's joke books (last two by Drs. that had been friars), and later,
1583, in the Mirror of Fancies. It's the one of the friar that always
answered all questions in a single word of one syllable. That's not easy
to put in a song.
The "Song of the Cobbler of Romny" in 'The Tinker of Turvy' (mostly
drawn from cuckolding tales of the Decameron, 1630, is taken from Les
Cent Nouvelles Nouvelles. [Friars often played a role in cuckolding
tales.]
"The Crossed Couple", c 1660, which is on my website (with tune and
notes of some more song versions) and a tale version in Randolph's
'Pissing in the Snow' appears as a tale in Les Cent Nouvelles Nouvelles.
"The Lusty Friar of Flanders" and "The Cowardly Clown of Flanders
Cuckolded" in my broasdide index are probably both from tale versions,
but I have looked for them. Also there are now less than 3 versions
(cross-referenced) of "A Cuckold by Consent", on my website, that
undoubtably springs from a tale ["There was an X, he had a fair wife,
the Y he loved her, as dearly as his life" is a common beginning for a
song of a cuckolding.]
Maybe some more if I get ambitious.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: DonMeixner
Date: 24 Nov 99 - 08:19 AM
I seem to recall a bunch of songs by Lord Invader and His Twelve
Penetrators that were very double entendre-ish and had the sounds of an
old joke in them. Calypso music seems rife with them. Mainly I'm
recalling the story of the boy who wants to marry a girl whom his father
claims is his and the boys mother don't know. What the father doesn't
know is he is not the sons father.
I also believe that I'M MY OWN GRANDPA began life as a joke. But I've
also heard that it has very old British Isles ancestors. Which to
believe? Maybe it's an old English joke.
Don
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Jack (who is called Jack)
Date: 24 Nov 99 - 12:24 PM
Check out Tim Wallace's "COWBOY SONG" in the DT.
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Subject: Lyr/Tune Add: TO CURB RISING THOUGHTS^^
From: Bruce O.
Date: 24 Nov 99 - 02:30 PM
That "Cowboy Song" is one of those 'Any port in a storm/ Necessity is
the mother of invention' pieces. A cowboy version of "The Crossed
Couple", noted above, is in Logsden's 'The Whorehouse Bells are Ringing'
[From Pills to Purge Melancholy. Earlier broadside version (ZN1361)
1686-8, is rather different and longer but shares some verses. ZN1361,
in the web broadside ballad index, is to the tune of "The Country
Farmer" (King James's Jig, B262 of the broadside ballad tunes), or "The
Devonshire Damsels" (same tune, diff. title, but not the tune below.)
I've forgotten on which night Scherazade told this as a tale.]
To curb rising Thoughts
There was an Old Woman that had but One Son,
And he had neither Land nor Fee;
But got little Gains,
Yet fain a Landlod he would be,
With a fadariddle la, fa la da riddle la, fa la la fa la la re.
And as he was a going Home,
He met his Old Mother upon the Highway;
O Mother, quoth he,
Your Blessing grant me,
Thus the Son to the Mother did say,
With a fa, &c.
I ha' begg'd Butter-milk all this long Day,
But I hope I shan't be a Beggar long;
For I've more Wit come into this Pate,
Then e'er I had when I was Young.
With fa, &c.
This Butter-milk I will it sell,
A Penny for it I shall have you shall see;
With that Penny I will buy me some Eggs,
I shall have Seven for my Penny.
With a fa, &c.
And those seven Eggs I'll set under a Hen,
Perhaps Seven Cocks they may chancc for to be
And when those Seven Cocks are Seven Capons,
There will be Seven Half-Crowns for me.
With a fa, &c.
But as he was going Home,
Accounting up all of his Riches all;
His foot it stumbled against a Stone,
Down came Butter-milk Pitcher and all.
With a fa, &c.
chorus His Pitcher was broke, and his Eggs were dispatch'd.
This 'tis to count Chicken before they are Hatch'd.
With a fa da, &c.
X:1
T:To curb rising thoughts
S:in Pills to Purge Melancholy, from 1700 edition
Q:1/4=120
L:1/4
M:6/4
K:G
(e/f/)|g3/2f/edcB|B3/2A/GG2B|B2BB2B|B2Be3|\
g3d2e|d2dd2e/d/|d3B3/2c/d|d2dd2G|\
G2G/G/G3/2G/ G/G/|G2AB3/2B/ c/c/|\
d3g2f|e2d(c3/4B/4)A2|(G3G2)|]
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: lamarca
Date: 24 Nov 99 - 05:33 PM
Art,
How could I have forgotten your song? KathWestra hosted a workshop at
NOMAD this year called "The Infamous Broken Token" and specifically
asked my husband, George, to sing "That's the Ticket" - and it still
gets laughs!
George says he learned more about good guitar playing for accompanying
songs from your records than from almost anywhere else. We think we've
got them all...
One of my very favorite songs by you is "The Shanty Boy from the Big Eau
Claire", being a Wisconsin girl myself...But I digress.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Art Thieme
Date: 25 Nov 99 - 08:48 AM
lamarca,
Thank you so very much for your digression ! And certainly, a wondrous
Thanksgiving to you and to all!
Art Thieme
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Melbert
Date: 25 Nov 99 - 12:55 PM
Don,
I'M MY OWN GRANDPA may well have English origins. It does kinda sound
like the kind of inbreeding which the British "nobility" is known
for........
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 26 Nov 99 - 03:14 AM
No, I've heard it Don, and it was definiotely sung by two Americans!
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Bert
Date: 09 Aug 00 - 02:50 PM
Just discovered this thread while searching for something else.
When we first moved to Alabama we were surprised by the quantities of
plastic flowers in the graveyards. We had a sick joke in our family "You
plant people to grow plastic flowers"
Eventually I had to write a song about it: PLASTIC FLOWER SEEDS.
Bert.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Willie-O
Date: 09 Aug 00 - 03:23 PM
Well Bert, we saw a cemetery in the Adirondacks recently with a sign
prohibiting the leaving of plastic flowers (I don't think it was for
aesthetic reasons, I guess they strangle lawnmowers...).
Steve Goodman was a great writer of joke songs, especially when he got
together with John Prine. Remember "Turnpike Tom", "Death of a Salesman"
and others too dreadful to name.
Willie-O
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Aug 00 - 03:33 PM
On our old Bloody Ballads album (Dean Gitter?) were several which ended
in punch lines: Pearl Bryan is decapitated by her lover and his friend,
and only the body is found, not the head, and the killers refused to
divulge its location. The final verse is So you girls who fall in love /
you still may be misled / don't take any hasty actions / oh girls, don't
lose your head!
Then there is the one where boy gets girl pregnant, boy takes girl out
on a pretext, boy kills girl, boy is caught, girl's sister testifies,
boy is hanged... and this one ended with Her sister swore my life away,
I'm hellbound without doubt / She swore I was the very man who took her
sister out!
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: GUEST,Tom DeVries
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 09:17 AM
Hi! I've been reading some of these postings and wondering if some of
the good jokes and lyrics of the Arkansas Traveller are posted anywhere?
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Morticia
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 09:46 AM
Well I've heard this told as a joke many times.
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Subject: Lyr Add: AUSTRALIA
From: GUEST,fleetwood
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 08:44 PM
Here's an old joke based on a quote from Shakespeare which I turned into
a very bad poem.
AUSTRALIA
In a single seater airplane across the sky he flew,
Over vast Australia, enamored by the view,
But, sad to state, the plane it crashed, and from the wreck he crawled,
And gathering up what he could save, he sat awhile and bawled.
Then setting forth on foot to find some succour and some aid,
Across the burning sand he strode. A desolate sight he made.
The sun it seemed it hotter got. His water it diminished.
By the time the sun it had gone down, he thought that he was finished.
But crawling through the dawn's cold light, a signpost banged his head.
It pointed to Mercy Town which lay two miles ahead.
He willed his failing body on into this one-horse town,
And at the other end of it was an arrow pointing down.
"Bar" it said, so there he went and enquired for a drink,
But the story that he then heard, well, it made him stop and think,
For the beer and lager had run out. No spirits could be had,
And all the drinking water there had recently gone bad.
"What have you got?" the pilot cried. "I've got to have a brew."
The barman took a bottle down. From it the dust he blew.
"A local concoction made," he said, "by a local aborigine
From koala bears and local herbs—a drink that they call tea."
The barman handed him a glass and from the bottle poured,
And lumps of green and rotting flesh into his glass sprung forth.
"I can't drink that!" the pilot said. "Why don't you serve it strained?"
To which the barman then replied: "the koala tea of mercy is not
strained."
HTML line breaks added --JoeClone, 29-Sep-01.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: kendall
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 10:31 PM
Guest fleetwood, you will find that one in the puns thread.
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Subject: Lyr Add: OVER THE GROUND, UNDER THE GROUND
From: kendall
Date: 28 Apr 01 - 10:53 PM
There is an old joke that Dave Goulder made into a song.
OVER THE GROUND, UNDER THE GROUND
One night at the church I was stealing the coal.
Over the ground and under the ground
And what did I see? Well, I'll tell you it all.
Over and under the ground
A sleepy old miner was walking alone,
Over the ground and under the ground
And he nipped through the graveyard to find his way home.
Over and under the ground
He was thinking of only the time he could save
Over the ground and under the ground
When he tumbled into an unoccupied grave.
Over and under the ground
He picked himself up and he scrambled about, Over the ground, etc.
But try as he might he just couldn't get out. Over, etc.
Not being the kind who would whimper and weep, Over, etc.
He laid down in the corner and went off to sleep. Over, etc.
The miner was sleeping, not caring at all, Over, etc.
When Ivar the driver nipped over the wall. Over, etc.
The night it was dark and Ivar was full, Over, etc.
And he tripped and fell in that very same hole. Over, etc.
He ranted and raved and he cursed and he swore, Over, etc.
And he wakened the miner asleep on the floor.
Over and under the ground.
Now Ivar was sure there was no one about, Over, etc.
When a voice from the dark said, "You'll never get out." Over and under
the ground
The grave it was dark and exceedingly deep, Over, etc.
But Ivar the driver was out in one leap. Over, etc.
Now the sleepy old miner he scratched and he spat, Over, etc.
And he said to himself, "Now, how'd he do that?" Over, etc.
The miner remembers his night with the dead, Over, etc.
But Ivar the driver is strapped in his bed. Over and under the ground
HTML line breaks added --JoeClone, 30-Sep-01.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: The Walrus
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 05:35 PM
Roseberry tae his lady said,
"My Hinny and my succour
"Now shall we dae the thing ye ken
"Or shall we hae our supper?"
With a riddle-come-a ra
With a fol-come-a-ra
With a riddle-come-a-ranty
Wi' modest face, sae full o' grace
Replied his noble lady,
"My Noble Lord, do as you please
"But supper is nae ready"
From McColl & Seeger "The Wanton Muse" (IIRC)
It just seemed to fit here.
Good Luck.
Walrus
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Lanfranc
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 07:09 PM
Jake Thackray's "THE BANTAM COCK" comes to mind.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Peter K (Fionn)
Date: 29 Apr 01 - 07:17 PM
Then there's THE BALLAD OF WILLIAM BLOAT, on which we had some
discussion a while ago. Here's the thread.
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Subject: Lyr Add: DRUNKS SAY THE DAMNEDEST THINGS
From: Songster Bob
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 02:14 PM
I can't help but post a lyric of my own composing. I wrote it to get the
second joke into song, but padded it with one of my own and another that
some of the fans of "hip" comedians might just barely recognize. Here it
is:
DRUNKS SAY THE DAMNEDEST THINGS
He fell in front of the subway car as it sped down the track.
The wheels rolled over bones and flesh and broke his aching back.
A drunk gazed from the platform at the red and gory parts,
Then offered his opinion, saying, "Boy, I bet that smarts!"
CHORUS: Drunks -- say the damnedest things.
Their thoughts take flight on fancy's wings.
Unfettered by the bonds of sense that sober living brings,
Drunks -- say the damnedest things.
The bar was filled with sweet young things, all coos and curves and
curls,
When the drunk on the end-most stool heard a line to pick up girls:
A British gent said to a girl, "Tickle your arse with a feather?"
Then repeated it more "clearly" as: "Typical narsty weather." CHORUS
The drunk saw that this line had worked, despite its startling brass,
So he said to the woman on his left, "Stick a feather up your ass?"
The outraged woman turned on him, -- "What's that you said again?"
The drunk in triumph played his card and said, "Think it'll rain?"
CHORUS
He cursed the cop arresting him, of that there is no doubt.
He called him every name in the book, and some that were edited out.
It was "Son-of-this," and "Mother-that," and more that were not so fine;
Then he tipped his hat to the officer, saying, "Hope I'm not out of
line!" CHORUS
Copyright © 1991, Bob Clayton. All rights reserved.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: pastorpest
Date: 30 Apr 01 - 09:13 PM
THE CHIVALROUS SHARK" is in the digitrad, words and music, though the
melody I know is somewhat different from what appears here. The song
dates from around 1900 and brings a laugh where ever I sing it.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Grab
Date: 01 May 01 - 07:26 AM
"LITTLE RABBIT FUFU", with the final line of "Hare today, GOON
tomorrow", has to be in there somewhere.
Graham.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Joe Offer
Date: 24 Nov 02 - 11:34 PM
I had often wondered about the origin of JOHNNY BE FAIR. I e-mailed
Buffy Sainte-Marie, and said she wrote the song after hearing the story
as a joke.
The "$65 Sports Car" is called A TRUE STORY in the Digital Tradition,
attributed to Kate Clinton, John McCutcheon, & Betsy Rose - but is that
the first sung version?
-Joe Offer-
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Kenny B
Date: 25 Nov 02 - 12:05 AM
A joke about the people who work F'Cunard
"UNCLE WULLIE"
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Boab
Date: 25 Nov 02 - 01:21 AM
Don't ask me who owns the copyright--
Dan--
"'Twas in our local public house one evening late in June,
Piano it was playin' and it was a groovy tune,
When bursting thro' the bar-room door came a giant of a man--
"Fill me a pint--for I've come to fight wi' a man that you call Dan!"
"He drank a pint o' whisky--and then ate fifty pies;
He must have measured seven feet--an' that's between the eyes!
"I've searched around this whole wide world, each corner of this land--
But tonight I'll fight, for in this room there is a man called DAN!"
Then up steps this wee fella with red ginger hair-
He couldn't have made but four feet six--with his hands up in the air;
"Well, I'm yer man, my name is Dan--hit me, if ye can!"
--And a big black boot it left the floor and blootered him on the pan!
The wee lad hit the ceiling, and then began to drop;
Was met by an uppercut, and three karate chops--
His blood was all around the walls, his false teeth on the floor--
And the big man trampled over them as he walked out the door.
The bar-room door had hardly closed when the wee chap shook his head--
He starts to roar and laugh then , and here is what he said--
"Oh I've just made a fool o' him, I've just had a ball!--
For I'm wee Willie McCann--I'm not Dan at all!!"
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 25 Nov 02 - 07:31 AM
I'd heard (and used) the line "If I said you had a beautiful body, would
you hold it against me" long before it became a song by the Beallamy
brothers.
Nigel
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: GUEST,Arkie
Date: 25 Nov 02 - 11:17 AM
Don referred to "Shame and Scandal" which was recorded by Trini Lopez
and a host of others, Joe to "Johnnie Be Fair", and there are a couple
of other songs on the same theme, Jimmy Driftwood's "Mixed Up Family"
and Mike Cross' "Emma Turl". All supposedly originating from an old
joke.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Art Thieme
Date: 25 Nov 02 - 11:22 PM
There will be a song I wrote and sing on the Mudcat
CD---STRAWBERRY----called "CHICAGO TOWN BLUES". Each verse in it was
formerly a joke I heard somewhere. I'd love to hear what you folks think
about it !!???
It got kind of popular in Fort Atkinson, Wisconsin ----- for a while
---- twenty-five years ago----------...
Art Thieme
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 12 Apr 05 - 09:27 AM
See THE LORD'LL PROVIDE by Larry Reynolds, recorded by Mike Cross.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: frogprince
Date: 12 Apr 05 - 01:05 PM
Steve Gillette has one that, so far as I know, isn't on record. Can't
give it to you as the lyric, but the joke goes something like:
Most people only think they know the first words Neal Armstrong said
when he stepped on the moon. Just before the "giant step" line, he
turned off the outside broadcast and said, "This one's for you, Mr.
O'Reilly. Those who heard it asked about it later, and he explained.
As a boy, his family lived next door to the O'Reillys. One day he was
playing softball with friends in his yard. The ball landed just under a
window of the O'Reilly house. Just as Neal stooped to pick it up, he
heard Mrs. O'Reilly's angry voice saying, "You want me to do WHAT? ...
I'll do that when the kid next door walks on the moon...
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Subject: Lyr Add: IN POSSESSION OF THE TOOL TO DO THE JOB
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 12 Apr 05 - 01:25 PM
This is something of a specialty of mine. Try the two below.
IN POSSESSION OF THE TOOL TO DO THE JOB.
1). Now, to look at Ernie Hook, you'd never take him for a crook,
And it's true; he's never broken any law,
But poor Ernie came a cropper, when an enterprising copper,
Caught him out, and now he's not an honest citizen, no more,
For it seems he had a break-in, and the copper was just makin'
Out a list of all the gear the burglar took,
In the shed he found a still, and poor old Ernie felt quite ill,
He cried out "I never used it", and the copper said "Now look,
CHORUS: "In possession of the tool to do the job,
You're in possession of the tool to do the job.
You can't be innocent, you see, if, when picked up, you're found to be
In possession of the tool to do the job."
2). So Ernie said "Before yer get a statement, call me lawyer,"
His solicitor was happy to attend,
After Ernie'd paid him double, he said "Tell me, what's the trouble?"
And when Ernie'd told his story, the lawyer said "My friend,
You don't have a leg to stand on, and all hope you should abandon,
Of securing an acquittal on the day.
You did have the apparatus, and that must affect your status,
A plea in mitigation is your only chance, I'd say." CHORUS
3). They committed him for trial, and he made a strong denial.
He tried hard to put across his point of view.
He said "Sir, I've never used it, and as for making booze, it
Is a thing, your honour, I would never want to do."
Well, the judge deliberated, and finally he stated,
"Prisoner rise, and then my judgement I'll commence.
You have no defence in law, and I must convict you, for
Just having the equipment is a criminal offence." CHORUS
4). "Now, before you're put away, have you anything to say?
You've the right to make a plea in mitigation."
Ernie said "Now is the time, to confess me life of crime,
And offer two more cases for the court's consideration:
An assault upon the person of an unsuspecting nun,
And flashing at some pretty girls as well."
The judge said, with a glare, "Come tell me when and where?"
And Ernie answered, "Well it hasn't happened yet, BUT WHAT THE HELL!"
CHORUS: "In possession of the tool to do the job,
I'm in possession of the tool to do the job.
I can't be innocent you see, if, when picked up, I'm found to be
In possession of the tool to do the job.
"IN POSSESSION OF THE TOOL TO DO THE JOB."
© Don Thompson December 1998
TWO POLICEMEN RODE OUT.
1). Two policemen rode out in their panda one night,
On the lookout for villains and vandals,
Orange stripes on the sides, positioned just right,
Showed them both where to find the door handles,
Through street after street these two limbs of the law
Stopped all who aroused their suspicions,
And between times, while driving, they showed respect for,
The road, and the weather, conditions.
2). As they made their way down a dark country lane,
The headlights revealed a parked Roller,
And beside it, relieving himself 'gainst a tree,
A portly old gent, in a Bowler.
"Aha", said the sergeant. "We'd better find out
If this rich old devil's been drinking.
From the way that he's swaying, there's really no doubt.
This'll add to our tally, I'm thinking".
3). So they screeched to a halt, and jumped out of the car,
Crying "Allo, and what's all this 'ere?
Stand still while we ascertain whether you are
The worse for the wine or the beer.
Come blow into this till I tell you to stop.
Keep blowing—keep blowing—O.K. then.
Oh look, a red light! Now, well that's a fair cop.
Oh, we're going to take you away then.
4). You're under the influence, under arrest,
And you're coming with us to the station.
So, really, I think it would be for the best
If you show us your documentation."
The old man looked puzzled, and said "Dearie me,
I don't know what I had to blow for,
But my licence, insurance, and my M.O.T.,
Are there, in the car, with my chauffeur".
© Don Thompson April 1999.
All my own work. Sorry if the line breaks don't come out right.
Don T.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 12 Apr 05 - 03:00 PM
Sorry for the typos too.
"hoNest citizen"
"The headlights"
Scratch the "Oh", It's We're going to take you away then.
OOPS!
Don T.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Severn
Date: 12 Apr 05 - 03:08 PM
Johnny Sands/Old Woman From Wexford
Get Up And Bar The Door
Burglar Man
And which came first-Jumpin' Gene Simmons' "Haunted House" or Brother
Dave Gardner's similar comedy routine?
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Skipper Jack
Date: 12 Apr 05 - 03:27 PM
I wrote this song based on a joke that I'd heard and the nursery rhyme,
"Old Mother Hubbard".
There was an old man who had a little dog
And the little dog's name was Boozo.
And he was fond of a little drop of grog
And thereby hangs his tail O!
Boozo wanted to quench his thirst,
But the cupboard, it was bare O!
Because the old man had got there first
And not a drop was there O!
So Boozo he went down to the bar
And there he drank his fill O!
As he came out, he got jammed in the door
And left behind his tail O!
Poor Boozo died and to heaven he went
But St Bernard wouldn't let him in O!
Being tail-less was his punishment
For a night out on the binge O!
Boozo he went back to the pub
'Twas past the hour of twelve O!
But he howled 'til he got the landlord up
And he played merry Hell O!
"Please, can I have my tail", said the dog,
"If you would be so kind O'"
But the landlord looked at him all agog!
"You must be out of your mind O!"
"Don't you know that it is a crime?"
Poor Boozo, he turned pale O!
"To retail spirits after time
Would land us all in jail O!"
The last two line of each verse were repeated thus:
Jail O! Jail O!
Would land us all in jail O!
To retail spirits after time
Would land us all in jail O!
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Subject: Lyr Add: DEATH OF A SALESMAN
From: just john
Date: 12 Apr 05 - 03:40 PM
A good song and a good twist on the old jokes:
DEATH OF A SALESMAN
(Steve Goodman, Steve Burgh, Jeff Gutcheon, Jim Rothermel, Lew London,
Saul Broody & Ken Kosek)
The traveling salesman stopped for gas as it was getting late.
He sure was feeling tired and it was snowing on the interstate.
He said, "Won't 'cha fill 'er up with gas and see if my oil's alright,
And do you know a place where a tired-out traveling man might spend the
night?"
The attendant winked at him and said, "I'll bet you been around.
The man who puts up lodgers here is known as Farmer Brown.
You'll find him in that old stone house just at the edge of town,
And he's got a 15-year-old daughter who likes to fool around."
The salesman winked right back at him and a smile came to his lip.
He paid for the gas and oil and then he gave that man a tip.
He started up and pushed that old gas pedal to the floor,
Went off like a hat, and in nothing flat, he was at the farmer's door.
The door opened up and a beautiful girl said, "won't you come on in?"
The traveling salesman's tongue was hanging out like Rin-Tin-Tin
"That old gas station attendant said I would find you here,
And do you have a suitable room to rent to me, my dear?"
She said, "Kind sir, I'm sorry, but the last one's gone, you see,
So if you want to spend the night, you'll have to sleep with me."
He said, "How fortuitous, my pretty little miss!"
And he throws his arms around her and he gives that girl a kiss.
Her warm and tender ruby lips he scarcely could believe.
He never saw the hammer she had hidden up her sleeve.
She said, "I'm getting sleepy, why don't we go to bed?"
And as they turned to climb the stairs, she whopped him on the head.
The very next day the salesman's car with brand new license plates
Was sitting at Farmer Brown's Super Service 'bout a mile from the
interstate.
So all you traveling salesmen who might be passing through,
You better watch your step or that traveling salesman joke might be on
you.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Margret RoadKnight
Date: 12 Apr 05 - 07:42 PM
Oscar Brown Jr's "The Lone Ranger" ("....what you mean WE, white man?")
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: GUEST,Allen
Date: 13 Apr 05 - 04:29 AM
The late great Vivian Stanshall wrote one that goes I wish the summer
was here I could stand up in my wheelbarrow and pretend the summer was
here..
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Flash Company
Date: 13 Apr 05 - 04:32 AM
Two I seem to recall, though I am not sure from where,
The Travelling Salesman's Tale.
Story line is the salesman who breaks down near a lonely farmhouse
occupied by an elderly farmer with a beautiful wife. They say he must
stay the night and after a supper described in great detail,(especially
the apple pie) they retire to the only bed in the house, the old man
sleeping in the middle. In the middle of the night the old man has to
get up to attend to a calving, and at that point come the only two lines
I remember clearly:-
She whispered 'Stranger, now's your chance!'
So I went and finished the pie!!!
The other one was the greenhorn in Alaska woo misunderstood the manhood
ritual ' Make love to an Inuit woman and shoot a Polar bear',
ending with' Now where's this woman I've got to shoot?'
FC
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Leadfingers
Date: 13 Apr 05 - 06:21 AM
In the Bad Old Days of (UK) Folk Entertainers there were a string of
good jokes turned into songs by people like Dave Paskett , Bob
Williamson and the OTHER Alan White ,as well as the established writers
like Miles Wootton
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: pavane
Date: 13 Apr 05 - 06:36 AM
What about all those songs which turned into jokes?
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Apr 05 - 09:37 PM
There's the song about the kid who falls into a well and his name is so
long that by the time it's been said and/or repeated countless times (in
aid of getting him rescued), it's too late. Here's one version; the
version Ilearned as a kid ("Edddie
Gootchagatchagammanohsimaranohsitohka- sammakammawakkee Brown") is
slightly different.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Celtaddict
Date: 13 Apr 05 - 11:08 PM
Don't miss Mick Ryan's "The Widow's Promise" about the lonely widow who
promises her soul to the devil if he can satisfy her; he makes it to
ninety-nine times, and she is still begging for more ("I can see just
how your husband died") and he gives up and goes limping back to hell.
She tries to summon him to try one more time and he does not respond,
saying "Of all the pain and torment I've witnessed here in hell, I never
knew what pain was 'til I rang her front door bell."
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 14 Jul 06 - 12:41 AM
THE GREATEST, written by Don Schlitz, recorded by Kenny Rogers.
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Subject: Lyr Add: IF YOU HAD A BRAIN YOU'D BE DANGEROUS
From: Sooz
Date: 14 Jul 06 - 02:54 AM
OOPS
Jez Lowe's song "High Part of the Town" has aa old joke in each verse as
does Bernard Wrigley's "Silly Old Bugger".
Or what about this one from His Worship and the Pig (a great collection
of one liners)
IF YOU HAD A BRAIN YOU'D BE DANGEROUS
You think that Sherlock Holmes is a local block of flats
And circumnavigation is what they do to cats
You think that crazy paving's only done by psychopaths
If you had a brain you'd be dangerous
        If you had a brain you'd be dangerous
        If you had a brain you'd be dangerous
        I tell you to your face you're a total waste of
space
        If you had a brain you'd be dangerous
Well you think that ratatouille must have two rats in the pan
You think that best lambruscos only use New Zealand lamb
And you say you dread to think what they must put in coq au vin
If you had a brain you'd be dangerous
You think that Motte and Bailey were solicitors of old
That a gargoyle is a mouthwash for a medieval cold
You think a flying buttress is an all-in wrestling hold
If you had a brain you'd be dangerous
When they said you had a cute angina you just stood and blushed
You think that Humpty Dumpty didn't fall but he was pushed
And you think it's time that Tony Blair stopped beating round the Bush
If you had a brain you'd be dangerous
You think to dip your headlights you'd need a lot of water
You think that a vendetta is a type of motor scooter
You're convinced that Joan of Arc was Noah's eldest daughter
If you had a brain you'd be dangerous
You think that Human Bondage is a book packed with advice
And you think a condominiums a contraceptive type device
You think a sixty nine is battered prawns and egg fried rice
If you had a brain you'd be dangerous
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: GUEST,Rowan
Date: 14 Jul 06 - 05:18 AM
I'd hoped to fing a mention of Bernard Wrigley and Sooz finally did it.
The Bolton Bullfrog sang "Plastic Pies" (mentioned in two threads if you
enter that in the search box) but Chris Seymourt gave only the words to
the chorus. One verse describes a drunk who found a small tortoise and,
thinking it a pie, ate it. He went to the pie seller and compliments him
but asks if he can have another with a less crunchy crust. The same
story has been told as a joke for many years but I don't know which came
first.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: GUEST,Bruce Baillie
Date: 14 Jul 06 - 06:40 AM
How about this one I wrote a few years ago to the tune of Kenny Rogers
'Coward of the County' I once had an argument with a barman in a pub in
Huddersfield called the County Bar, he gave me five pounds worth of
change when I'd given him a ten pound note...
Everyone considered him the Bastard of the County,
of all the barmen in the pub he was the nasty one.
His mom had named him Billy but the folks all called him 'Shithead'
and as he worked behind the bar he'd sing this little song!
CHORUS
"I promise to do all the things I shouldn't do,
I'll walk right into to trouble if I can,
I've such a bloody cheek, I like to pick on them that's weak,
and if everything turns out as I have planned,
'll end up with half yer change left in me hand!"
One day a poor old tramp came in with not a penny on him,
half dead from exhaustion well he staggered to the bar,
"Oh for Christ's sake give us a packet o' crisps,
and a pint o' brown and bitter, I've not eaten since last Friday,
and it's nearly Thursday now!"
As Billy listened to the tramp his mind was ticking over,
he'd make this poor old worn out guy look like a right buffoon,
he said, "Alright then Grandad well I'll do just as you ask me,
..if you can drink one mouthful from that dirty olf spittoon!"
The tramp he looked from Billy's face to the cuspidore a - standing,
all green and slimy on the floor, it was brimful to the top!
the tears streamed down his tired old face, and the pangs of hunger
stabbed him,
and Billy's voice came to him saying, "Go on lad, just a drop!"
H e wor t'centre of attention, all eyes were fast upon him,
as he picked it up with trembling hands, and he put it to his lips!
and as he gurgled softly all the customers started leaving,
and a customer in the corner, brought back his pie & chips!
"Look stop it now!" said Billy "This jokes gone far enough like!
Me customers are leaving, look here don't be such a chump!"
But the strain showed on the tramps face as these words he tried to
gurgle,
"I'm sorry lad, I just can't stop, IT'S ALL IN ONE BIG LUMP!!!"
Well Billys face contorted as he dashed off to the bathroom,
he wasn't holdin' nuthin' back, he got rid of it all!
When he came back to the bar room, the carpet was all textured,
and the tramp had buggered off wi' t' till, and he'd left this little
note
(And it said)
"I promised to chew, everything you told me to!
I got in there and sucked it like a man!
now I'll cut quite a dash, cos I've run off with yer cash, things didn't
quite work out as you had planned, cos I ended up with your change in my
hand!"
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Mr Red
Date: 14 Jul 06 - 10:01 AM
Actually this is not a bad way to write songs. All it takes is the wish
to do it. If the joke appeals the only rule is not to make it so boring
that the punchline is wasted, and that usually means establishing the
facts and throwing in puns and pithy wit along the journey. Or making it
short.
Though as GBS said - the golden rule is that there is no golden rule.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 14 Jul 06 - 11:14 AM
This was a humourous poem written by a neighbour of my Dad's. I have
sung this as a folk song.....use your own tune.......
I was shopping in the high street, when a man came passing by.
He handed me a leaflet, which said "The end is nigh".
It was terribly convincing. I was sure it must be right.
It even specified the date, and gave the time of night.
This meant, of course, my shopping list was suddenly all wrong.
A month's supply of anything was twenty days too long.
I wouldn't need the batteries to put in all my clocks,
And when I bought detergent, only chose the smallest box.
In fact there was no point in doing washing after that.
Likewise I cared no more about the thoughts of getting fat.
Instead I just ate sweets and stuffed on curries like a pig,
And the time appointed found me smelly, bored, depressed and big.
But when the time appointed came, life went on as before,
Except I'd cleared my bank account, and weighed a whole stone more.
So now I spend my weekends on the treadmill at the gym,
And if I see that man again, the end will come for him.
Best wishes, Mike.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Crane Driver
Date: 14 Jul 06 - 06:22 PM
Well, I wrote this a while ago - each verse is based on a food joke I
found on the net - the chorus came to me in a hotel room when I was away
from home on business. The tune is sort of music hall style.
(Chorus)
Oh, it's nice to go out for an evening
Of fine food and good company,
For laughter and chat, about this thing or that,
And music, and hilarity.
And we all like to praise Mr Bottle,
With the napkin tucked under his chin,
But I'd rather stay home, singing "No more to roam"
To the tune of an old violin.
Well, a man sauntered into a restaurant,
Where he ordered the best food and wine.
And when he had fed, to the waiter he said,
"Last year, when I came here to dine,
My luck it was down, and my wallet thin,
You threw me out in the cold and the rain!"
The waiter said "Sorry."; the man said "Don't worry,
You can just throw me out once again."
(Chorus)
One night I arose from my table,
As the room was beginning to sway
I put on my coat, and prepared to go out,
When this old fellow stood in my way.
He said "Are you Dr Fernackerpan,
That eminent medic of note?"
Then when I shook my head, the old fellow said,
"Well, I am him, and that is my coat!"
(Chorus)
We lived all alone by the railway yard,
My poor old daddy and me,
I was seven years old when first I was told
We had somebody coming to tea.
My Dad took a cake, then he passed it on,
To this lady in a flowery hat.
I said, "Dad, don't bother to look for another,
Cakes don't come any bigger than that!"
(Chorus)
Oh, it's nice to go out for an evening
Of fine food and good company,
For laughter and chat, about this thing or that,
And music, and hilarity.
And we all like to praise Mr Bottle,
With the napkin tucked under his chin,
But I'd rather stay home, singing "No more to roam"
To the tune of an old violin.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Sooz
Date: 15 Jul 06 - 04:07 AM
John Conolly must deserve a mention here. He has written several
hilarious songs based on English seaside post cards, a couple of which
had us in stitches last night at Market Rasen Folk Club.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Jul 06 - 05:13 AM
Yea and particularly the one about 'Grumpy Old Men'. Get to hear it
....and moreso John.... as and when you can folks.
Best wishes, Mike.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Bert
Date: 16 Jul 06 - 01:18 AM
The last verse of "Lively" by Lonnie Donnegan was stolen from a Goon
Show joke.
We'd rehearsed for weeks and weeks
a smash and grab to do
We'll throw the brick the others said
and leave the grab to you
the brick went through the window
now "Grab" the cried "and quick"
It wasn't 'till we got away
I found I'd grabbed our brick.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Long Firm Freddie
Date: 16 Jul 06 - 01:53 AM
Here's a link to a learned discourse on comic, or as German scholars
call them, schwank ballads:
schwank
Enjoy!
LFF
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Subject: Lyr Add: THE PRINCE AND THE MAIDEN
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 16 Jul 06 - 10:51 AM
Her's another from the Wysiwyg repertoire.
Don T.
THE PRINCE AND THE MAIDEN
A young prince who went walking in some woods near Hampton Wick,
Discovered that he'd lost his way, well he bein' rather thick,
He came across a clearing, and he said "What's this I see?
It is a fair young maiden, tied tightly to a tree".
Ch. Fol de rol de diddle-O, Fol de rol de dee,
It is a fair young maiden, tied tightly to a tree.
He said "Fair maid, how come you to be in this parlous state,
What wicked, nasty, evil villain's left you to your fate?"
She said "Kind Sir, if you will only deign to set me free,
I'll tell you of the wicked squire, and what he did to me".
Ch. Fol de rol de diddle-O, Fol de rol de dee,
I'll tell you of the wicked squire, and what he did to me".
The prince was all agog to hear the essence of her tale,
But as she was quite naked, other thoughts came to prevail,
He said "Hold hard young maiden, there's the question of me fee,
If I comply with your request, pray what's in it for me?"
Ch. Fol de rol de diddle-O, Fol de rol de dee,
If I comply with your request, pray what's in it for me?"
The maiden, now, was quite dismayed, "I can't believe", she said,
"That you're as wicked as the squire, Oh! I were better dead",
The prince was quite unruffled, as the maid began to pray,
He said, as he took his doublet off, "This ain't your lucky day".
Ch. Fol de rol de diddle-O, Fol de rol de day
He said, as he took his doublet off, "This ain't your lucky day".
The maiden stopped him with a glance, "If that's how it is", said she,
"'Twere better I enjoy meself, and join in willingly,
Remember that hereafter, for your crime you'll have to pay,
Now cut me loose you scurvy knave, and you shall have your way".
Ch. Fol de rol de diddle-O, Fol de rol de day
Now cut me loose you scurvy knave, and you shall have your way".
He drew his sword, and lashed out, and the rope fell down in coils,
She threw her arms about his neck, said, "Come, collect your spoils",
Then fervently, and ardently she kissed the dirty dog,
And all he said was "Rivet!", for he'd turned into a frog.
Ch. Fol de rol de diddle-O, fol de rol de dog,
And all he said was "Rivet!" for he'd turned into a frog.
Now the young prince and the maiden have gone their separate ways,
She's gone home to Daddy, and the frog in the swamp he stays,
He got himself into this mess, there's nothing he can do,
Till a maid agrees to kiss him. Well I ask you girls, would you?
Ch. Fol de rol de diddle-O, fol de rol de doo,
Till a maid agrees to kiss him. Well I ask you girls, would you?
So, all who listen to me song, attention pay to me,
Ne'er take advantage of a maid you find tied to a tree,
For love and lust, according to two differing points of view,
May change a frog into a prince, and vice versa too.
Ch. Fol de rol de diddle-O, fol de rol de doo,
May change a frog into a prince, and vice versa too.
Ó Don Thompson May 1980

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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 14 Aug 06 - 10:55 AM
See Lyr Req: Geordie Broon / Geordie Brown
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 30 Sep 08 - 06:07 PM
See THE KNOCKING NELLY TRILOGY, consisting of 3 parts/3 jokes: THE
BALLAD OF KNOCKING NELLY, KNOCKING NELLY AND THE SIXTY-NINER, and
KNOCKING NELLY AND THE MOTHMAN—all by Bernard Wrigley.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: GUEST,Volgadon
Date: 30 Sep 08 - 06:10 PM
Get up and lock the door.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: oldhippie
Date: 30 Sep 08 - 07:38 PM
"The $65 Sports Car" aka "A True Story" was indeed recorded by Charlie
King. He called it "The Corvette".
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: oldhippie
Date: 30 Sep 08 - 07:41 PM
And the copyright apparently belongs to McCutcheon (1986) as "The Red
Corvette".
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Joe_F
Date: 30 Sep 08 - 08:02 PM
"Come, come," said Tom's father, "at your time of life,
There's no longer excuse for thus playing the rake --
It is time you should think, boy, of taking a wife." --
"Why, so it is, father -- whose wife shall I take?"
-- Thomas Moore
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: GUEST,Suffolk Miracle
Date: 01 Oct 08 - 10:28 AM
This was compiled from a series of traditional miners' jokes recorded in
Dave Douglass' Pit Talk in County durham
Some men leave their sons their land, their gold and silver too;
If they have a house they leave to them the key.
But my father was a collier and he had no wealth to leave -
Instead he left this good advice to me:
CHO Never let your dingle dangle dingle-dangle down;
Never let your dingle dangle down.
The first day I worked down the pit a butterfly flew past
So I hit it with a shovel on the head;
Inside of half a minute everyone came running out
Crying 'Get out quick - the ventilator's dead!'
I must say that I've met some very small men in my time
But our Billy is the smallest I've seen yet
For when the shift is over and he goes into the shower
He has to run around to get it wet.
The Deputy who lives next doo said 'Wake me up at four
Because I've got the back-shift still to do.'
So at two o'clock I went around and woke the bastard up
And said 'You've only got two hours to go.'
A fellow got his leg trapped and the doctors went below
But they had to take it off before they'd done.
As they carried him outby the gaffer said 'You silly sod
It'll take you months to grow another one.'
Our Jimmy had to tell a lass her husband had been killed.
'Break it gently, don't just blurt it out' we said.
He went round to the house and when the lass came to the door
He said 'I bet you'll never guess who's dead!'
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Jayto
Date: 01 Oct 08 - 10:56 AM
I have seen plenty of good song ideas turned into jokes thanks to bad
writing :)
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Subject: Lyr Add: ELMA TURL (Mike Cross)
From: GUEST,Jim
Date: 01 Oct 08 - 02:39 PM
Sorry if this has been mentioned, but I didn't read the whole thread.
Mike Cross was mentioned in the first post. He also did a song called
Elma Turl, based on an old joke. I heard Buffy Sainte-Marie sing an
entirely different song based on the same joke.
ELMA TURL
(Mike Cross)
Elma Turl is a beautiful girl, and I'd love to have her for my wife.
She's just the kind of woman who could make me happy for the rest of my
life.
My daddy said, "Son, there's something you don't know, and it's
something I think you oughter.
Elma Turl is a beautiful girl, but son, she's my daughter."
Alice Green is a beautiful thing, and I'd love to have her for my wife.
She's just the kind of woman who could make me happy for the rest of my
life.
My daddy said, "Son, there's something you don't know, and it's
something I think you oughter.
Alice Green is a beautiful thing, but son, she's my daughter."
Well, I've been all around the whole durn county, like a buck huntin'
for a doe,
But it seems every girl I'd like to marry is a wild oat Daddy sowed.
So I went to my mama with my head hung down, and she asked me what the
matter could be,
I told her my problem and she took my hand and said, "Son, now listen to
me.
"You see, your daddy was such a good-lookin' young man, and like an
eager young stallion horse,
His blood ran hot, so you can't blame him for lettin' Mother Nature take
her course,
But you got no reason to be upset. Don't you worry; don't fret; don't
bother.
You see, your daddy ain't your daddy. He only thinks he is, so you can
marry whomever you wanter."
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: GUEST,harlowpoet
Date: 01 Oct 08 - 03:20 PM
This is one of mine that I managed to put onto You Tube
A Love Story
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 01 Oct 08 - 05:41 PM
For them wot likes John Conolly's funny stuff, "The Grumpy Old Men of
Old England" is his latest CD, and a good un, too. Available from
CAMSCO, of course.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Amos
Date: 01 Oct 08 - 06:04 PM
There are SCORES of songs based on humorous incidents populating the
SONG CHALLENGE threads and most of them are archived in Aine's Mudcat
Songbook.
A
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: cptsnapper
Date: 01 Oct 08 - 11:45 PM
There's also Gerard Hoffnung's story, told at the Oxford Union, about
the brickie who couldn't go to work, the musical equivalent of which was
sung by Noel Murphy.
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Arkie
Date: 02 Oct 08 - 01:54 PM
There have been several references to the songs Shame and Scandal, Mixed
Up Family, Johnny Be Fair, and Emma Turl which are all based upon the
same joke. R.L. Burnside has recorded a joke on the subject. Whether his
joke is anywhere like the old story, I can't say. I became interested in
the story behind the song after hearing Shame and Scandal and later
Jimmy Driftwood singing "Mixed Up Family". Jimmy had connections with
Odetta who sang Shame and Scandal and Buffy St. Marie who wrote Johnny
Be Fair, and I have wondered if any of them inspired the other. The only
response I ever had from inquiries was that the song was based on an old
joke. I heard the Burnside recording long after having heard the various
songs.
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Subject: Lyr Add: THE MANTRAP
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Oct 08 - 07:41 PM
In maybe 1955, I think it was, I saw a two-line wisecrack in, of all
places, the The Saturday Evening Post.
A modest girl doesn't chase bachelors.
Neither, on the other hand, does a mousetrap pursue a mouse!
Aha, sez I, there's a song in there! And so there was, the first song I
ever wrote that was worth keeping. We won't mention the earlier ones.
The tune has a sort of calypso beat, but, more's the pity, I'm not able
to submit the tune here.
The Mantrap
Come all you young maidens and listen
And gain some instruction from me.
Be modest, demure, and retiring,
And chase not the bachelor so free.
Oh, do not act bold, free, and brazen;
Be modest, retiring and shy.
Men flee from the woman who chases
And the brazen young lady pass by.
But the modest girl does not chase bachelors
As doubtless you have been aware,
For the modest girl does not chase bachelors
As the bear-trap does not chase the bear!
Alas, would that it were longer!
Dave Oesterreich
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: GUEST, Sminky
Date: 29 Oct 08 - 09:36 AM
Englishman, Scotchman and Irishman
Unpublished song collected by Alfred Williams
(WSRO: 2598/36 Packet 5 - Miscellaneous: Williams, A: MS collection No
Mi 562)
Verse 1
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotchman too, one day
Were walking out together and one of them did say –
'We're all so very hungry, and I see on yonder hill
A flock of sheep a-feeding boys, it's one of them we'll kill.'
Verse 2
The notion being agreed upon, to the field they went together,
And from the flock a-grazing they chose a fine fat wether;
One held its head and one its legs, while, from underneath his coat,
Pat drew his knife out of the sheath and cut the poor brute's throat.
Verse 3
Then straightway one took off its skin and hung it on a briar,
Another gathered twigs of wood and kindled up a fire,
But the farmer he came riding by, and had them sent to prison,
For stealing his fat wether and for cutting off its wizen.
Verse 4
Next day before the learned judge the prisoners he took;
With gown and wig his worship sat, a turning of his book,
Said he – 'Tis a case for hanging,' and put the black cap on his head,
Saying – 'John Bull, Pat and Sandy, you shall hang until you're dead.
Verse 5
But I'll be merciful to you, since you have not long to live,
I'll set the law's strict rules aside and this favour I will give,
To choose your place for hanging, since you are so far from home,
So anywhere you like to name you shall be all welcome.'
Verse 6
Then the Englishman spoke – 'I'll choose the old oak, the pride of our
native land,
On a high oak tree you may hang me since us you are going to disband.'
'All right,' says the judge, 'Away you can trudge and sorry I am to see
you such a glutton
You all had your fill and the sheep did kill, so dearly you pay for your
mutton.'
Verse 7
Then up spoke bold Sandy, of Scotland h spoke –
'On Scotland's high mountain let my neck be broke!
Let me breathe my last moments in an air pure and free!
Give me one pinch of snuff and in peace I will dee.'
Verse 8
'All right,' says the judge, 'This favour I'll grant,
Now take him away and don't let him snuff want.
Let him breathe his last moments in air pure and free!'
They did, and in ten minutes up went poor Scottee.
Verse 9
'Mush Gad!' then says Paddy, 'If I'm after dying,
O on a gooseberry bush I would like to be strung.'
'Oh, no,' the judge answered, this bold Paddy eyeing,
'There's never one high enough for you to be hung.'
Verse 10
'Hold hard!' then says Paddy, 'don't be in a flurry,
There's not one high enough everyone knows,
But as for the hanging, sure, Pat's in no hurry,
If it pleases your worship, I'll wait till one grows.'
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 29 Oct 08 - 10:10 AM
That's wonderful, sminky!
I hadn't heard of Alfred Williams before, but there is an article about
him at SwindonWeb.com. He may be the earliest folk-song collector I have
heard of who was actually of the working class himself.
A database containing the songs that Williams collected, and some
others, can be searched at The Wiltshire County Council web site.
This was mentioned in this earlier thread: Wiltshire Folksong Database.
Apparently no one knows what tune the above song was sung to. Can anyone
think of an appropriate one?
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 29 Oct 08 - 10:38 AM
I just noticed the last song has an odd rhyme scheme: for verses 1-8
it's AABB, then it switches to ABAB. Has anyone noticed this kind of
thing before? Would it affect what tune you would use?
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: GUEST, Sminky
Date: 29 Oct 08 - 12:00 PM
It was also known as "Dearly you must pay for your mutton" and appeared
on broadsides, though I've not been able to find a copy.
Horry White of Ringsfield, Nr Beccles, Suffolk, sang a much abridged
version, substituting "a Hebrew" for the Irishman. Horry can be heard on
the Double CD 'Comic Songs of the Stour Valley and East Coast
Fishermen', though I don't know if it includes the above song.
The website is here (scroll down a bit to see the words).
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: MaineDog
Date: 29 Oct 08 - 12:33 PM
I am thinking of Fred Gosbee's "Great American Moose", which is
seriously misunderstood by a hapless Scot who learns a lesson about
comparative linguistics in a humorous manner.
MD
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Subject: Lyr Add: A GROSS ERROR (Ron Baxter)
From: RossCampbell
Date: 30 Oct 08 - 02:03 AM
I'm sure I heard the joke this song is based on many years ago. Ron
Baxter of Fleetwood put it into verse, with the hope that it might
appeal to local hairdresser and ukulele wizard Richard Grothusen (The
Amazing Dick). I put a tune to it (substantially similar to the one that
accompanies "Paddy and the Bricks") ages ago, and I've been singing it
occasionally ever since. Finally got performed for its intended
recipient last year.
A GROSS ERROR (RON BAXTER)
Tune trad. arr. Ross Campbell
I was working down the barber's on a "Tony Curtis" crop,
When an auld lad, about eighty-four, shuffled in the shop;
I said "I'll not be long, sir!", but for a cut he hadn't come;
He said "I'd like a word wi' you - and in private, son!"
"You remember Friday evening, the last time you cut ma hair?
Just as I was leaving, you said 'One moment, sir!
Anything for the week-end?' and I said 'I think I ought
to have a few of they Johnny things - so a gross from you I bought!'"
I said, "Indeed!", I remembered him, for that many I rarely sell;
He frowned as he continued, for things hadn't turned out well;
"Although a hundred and forty-four from you I thought I'd bought -
I'm sorry, son, but you've diddled me, and I find I'm a packet short!"
"Oh!" I said "I'm really sorry, sir, you can have another pack -
Or if you would prefer it, you can have a refund back!"
He said "No, never mind, lad - but I'll tell ye as a friend -
To be more careful in future - for you spoiled a great week-end!"
The last half-line is spoken with a sigh, and more in sorrow than in
anger.
Ross
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 30 Oct 08 - 03:17 AM
SALT
Can't see it here at all, but may have overlooked it.
A song based on a folk-tale rather than a joke seems to be making a
comeback here in Ireland - heard it twice at a singing festival last
week-end.
Don't have the words but plot goes - like- this.
Man takes job as farm-hand which requires him to live in with the farmer
and his wife, both very mean, so he is not very well fed.
One of his first jobs is to kill the pig and salt it.
After some time the farm donkey dies and he is instructed to salt it for
future eating.
Later the grandmother of the house dies; when he is instructed to "Go
for the salt" he takes to the road.
At the same week-end I heard a song version of an American tale I know
as 'The Mountaineer's Courtship'.
Old hill farmer, on his annual visit to town bargains for a wife, sets
her on the donkey and heads for home.
On the way the farmer doesn't speak until the donkey stumbles and he
says, "That's once" - wife says nothing.
A few miles later the donkey stumbles again; the farmer says, "That's
twice" - wife says nothing.
Halfway home the donkey stumbles a third time; the farmer takes a stick
and beats the donkey to death.
The wife lets out a roar, "How can you do that to a dumb animal, what's
it ever done to you, how are we going to get home now, it's coming on to
rain............ etc, etc, etc, etc..........
The farmer says, "That's once".
Jim Carroll
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Subject: Lyr Add: PUB SONG (from Wounded John Scott Cree)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 22 Dec 08 - 06:15 PM
Transcribed from the video at YouTube, where it is reportedly sung by
Wounded John Scott Cree live at Brighton in 1976.
The tune is a familiar one; it is also used for THE NIGHTINGALE or THE
GRENADIER—the one with the chorus that ends: "And they both sat down
together for to hear the nightingale sing."
THE PUB SONG
One night I went out to a pub for a beer.
"That's 2p," said the barman, and he wasn't a queer.
I said, "In that case, are you having one too?"
And he said, "Cheers! I'll have 1p's worth with you."
I felt a bit peckish, so I ordered some crisps.
I said, "Give us one bag; no, look: make it six."
He went under the counter and lobbed them to me.
I said, "How much is that?" He said, "Nothing. They're free."
I thought, "What's the catch?" so to clear up my doubt,
I ordered a bottle of scotch to take out.
He went and he got it and gave it to me.
I said, "How much is that?" he said, "17p."
I thought it was Christmas, and funnily, it was,
And I realized I had no booze in my house,
So I ordered his entire stock of spirits from him.
He said, "Look, I'm sorry: we've run out of gin."
So I said, "Well, worse things can happen at sea.
Give everyone a drink and charge it to me."
There was two or three hundred, but that's what he did.
He said, "Sorry, all together, I'm afraid that's a quid."
I thought something was wrong and it started to nag.
It was then that I realized I'd run out of fags,
So I ordered two hundred to Piccadilly(?),
And of course all he charged me was 17p.
I thought it was time that the landlord was there.
The bloke said the landlord was busy upstairs.
I asked him, "What doing?" He said, "Here's the rub:
What he's doing to my wife I'm doing to his pub."
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Subject: Lyr Add: DESTROYER BENSON
From: Joe_F
Date: 22 Dec 08 - 09:32 PM
RossCampbell: I heard that joke while a student at Caltech back in the
'50s. It seems a certain chemist had found condoms just the thing for
capping a test tube & leaving room for evolved gas. He bought them by
the gross, because in his experiments he used racks of 12x12 test tubes.
One Sunday he found that the box contained only 143. The following day
he went to the drugstore & mentioned the matter. The young man at the
counter rose to the occasion by saying "Gee, mister, I hope it didn't
spoil your weekend."
*
The following story is said to be based on fact. I heard it, already
much embellished, at Harvard in 1959. For a long time I thought it was
the stuff of balladry, and eventually I got around to it. It is, of
course, TTTO that other great ballad of concatenated disasters, "The
Sick Note":
Destroyer Benson
If you will please to take your seats and turn attentive ears,
A Harvard tale I'll tell to you, from Pusey's golden years.
There was a wise professor then, a chemist known to fame --
Played golf with Eisenhower. Kistiakowsky was his name.
He had a brilliant student, name of Benson, and 'twas said
If you asked him for an orbital, he'd do it in his head,
But if he touched a test tube, it invariably broke,
And when he flipped the switch, the centrifuge went up in smoke.
It happened that the Boston Globe reported in those days
The Navy Yard had sent a warship sliding down the ways.
'Twas called Destroyer Benson, 'twas the pride of our Navee.
"Aha!" Destroyer Benson said, "That's just the name for me".
One night Destroyer Benson labored in the lab alone.
The very plumbing in the sinks could scarce suppress a groan.
He had a flask of mercury and wished to know its mass;
He put it on the balance in its little house of glass.
He loaded up the other pan with every weight in sight.
The balance never budged; the tongue hung stiffly to the right.
With sudden inspiration, to the cabinet he strode
Where he had heard that Kistiakowsky's own gold weights were stowed.
He piled them on the right-hand pan; the beam swung round at last,
And then it broke and dropped the flask, which came down hard and fast.
It shattered, and the mercury poured out and swirled around;
The steel weights floated in it, but the gold ones stood their ground.
Now if you are a chemist or a dentist, you've been told
That mercury on contact will amalgamate with gold:
The atoms walk their way into the crystal grains, and then
There isn't any easy way to get them out again.
It soon occurred to Benson the professor might be sore
To find his own precision weights now weighed a little more.
"I'll try some heat", he thought, and he assembled for the task
A clamp, a Bunsen burner, and an Erlenmeyer flask.
Alas, the weights within the flask stayed silvered as before,
Though Benson turned the flame up to a gratifying roar.
"I'll pump it out", he theorized, and so he went and stole
A pump, a vacuum hose, a tube, a stopper with a hole.
He went to throw the balance out, he heard a sucking sound,
Turned anxiously towards the bench, and this is what he found:
The flask had softened and was now completing its collapse;
The stopper melted on the weights and trickled through the gaps.
Now just imagine, if you will, that coruscating mass
Of precious weights, now shrink-wrapped under curves of gleaming glass,
Old gold and new quicksilver all entwined with threads of black:
Well, that's the way Professor Kistiakowsky got them back.
Said he, "A synthesis like this can scarcely be believed.
I hope that you took careful notes on how it was achieved.
In Arts as well as Sciences 'twill get you a degree,
And tourists in the Fogg will see your shining Ph.D.
We'll write it up this afternoon -- there is no other way.
I can't afford to have you here at Harvard one more day.
And soon in Cambridge there'll be no-one left to tell the tale:
I'll catch a plane to Washington, and you can go to Yale."
-- Joe Fineman (1998)
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Subject: RE: Jokes turned into songs...
From: maple_leaf_boy
Date: 23 Dec 08 - 05:26 PM
"I'm In Love With You Baby, And I Don't Even Know Your Name" was
written about a joke. (Alan Jackson: one of his relatives would
sometimes suggest he use it in a song as a joke. Eventually, Alan made
an attempt to write it, and the song is rather humorous. It's on his
first greatest hits record).