Zappa-Joe's Garage??

[Savage]

I'm looking for the lyrics to the song (or even better, the album) "Joe's
Garage" by Frank Zappa.

Thanks!
v.

[lugnut]

Here's Act 1, unfortunately I don't have Acts 2 and 3

@ARTIST: Frank Zappa
@ALBUM: Joe's Garage

(Text which is not identified as being sung or spoken by any
particular
character was written to be read in the tradition of a
narrator, or, as stage directions are to a play, they are
part of the original lyric sheet. To distinguish them from song
lyrics, they have been entered in as wide a margin as possible
to stand out from the true lyrics which break to a new line according
to the song's meter.

They are not lyrics specified
for the part of the Central Scrutinizer, played by Frank Zappa.
He usually, if not always, announces his part saying "This is the
Central Scrutinizer...". This first note was not part of the album.
Everything else past this point is verbatim from the album).

Introduction
Desperate nerds in high offices all over the world have been known to
enact
the most disgusting pieces of legislation in order to win votes (or,
in
places where they don't get to vote, to control unwanted forms of mass
behavior).

Environmental laws were not passed to protect our air and water...they
were
passed to get votes. Seasonal anti-smut campaigns are not conducted
to rid
our communities of moral rot...they are conducted to give an aura of
saintliness to the office-seekers who demand them. If a few key
phrases are
thrown into any speech (as the expert advisors explain to these
various heads
of state) votes will roll in, bucks will roll in, and, most
importantly,
power will be maintained by the groovy guy (or gal) who gets the most
media
coverage for his sleaze. Naturally, his friends in various businesses
will
do okay too.

All governments perpetuate themselves through the daily commission of
acts
which a rational person might find to be stupid or dangerous (or
both).
Naturally, our government is no exception...for instance, if the
President
(any one of them) went on TV and sat there with the flag in the
background
(or maybe a rustic scene on a little backdrop, plus the flag) and
stared
sincerely into the camera and told everybody that all energy problems
and all
inflationary problems *had been traced to* and could be *solved by the
abolition of* MUSIC, chances are that most people would believe him
and think
that the illegalization of this obnoxious form of noise pollution
would be a
small price to pay for the chance to buy gas like the good ol' days.
*No way? Never happen?* Records are made out of oil. All those big
rock
shows go from town to town in fuel gobbling 45 foot trucks...and when
they
get there, they use up enormous amounts of electrical energy with
their
lights, their amplifiers, their PA systems...their smoke machines.
And all
those synthesizers...look at all the plastic they got in 'em...and the
guitar
picks...you name it...

JOE'S GARAGE is a stupid story about how the government is going to
try to
do away with music (a prime cause of unwanted mass behavior). It's
sort of
like a really cheap kind of high school play...the way it might have
been
done 20 years ago, with all the sets made out of cardboard boxes and
poster
paint. It's also like those lectures that local narcs used to give
(where
they show you a display of all the different ways you can get wasted,
with
the *pills* leading to *the weed* leading to *the needle,* etc.,
etc.).

If the plot of the story seems just a little bit preposterous, and if
the
idea of *The Central Scrutinizer* enforcing laws that haven't been
passed
yet makes you giggle, just be glad you don't live in one of the
cheerful
little countries where, at this very moment, music is either severely
restricted...or, as it is in Iran, totally illegal.

@SONG: SCENE ONE: Entrance of the Central Scrutinizer

Sometimes, when you're not looking, he just sneaks up on you. He looks
like
a cheap sort of flying saucer about five feet across with a snout-like
megaphone apparatus in the front, with two big eyes mounted like
Appletons
with miniature, motorized frowning chrome eyebrows over them. Along
the
side of his disc-like body are several sets of stupid-looking headers
and
exhaust hoses which, apparently, propel him and punctuate his dialogue
with
horrible smelling smoke rings. In the middle of his head we can see
an
airport wind sock and constantly twirling anemometer. The bottom of
him has
a landing light and three spoked wheels. In spite of all this, it is
obvious
that the way he really gets around is by being dangled from place to
place
by a union guy with a dark green shirt up in the roof who is eating a
sandwich (pieces of which drop off every once in a while and lodge
themselves near the hole where they put the oil in that makes the
cheap
smoke).

He hovers into view and speaks to us thusly...

Central Scrutinizer:
This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER...it is my responsibility to enforce
all the
laws that haven't been passed yet. It is also my responsibility to
alert
each and every one of you to the potential consequences of various
ordinary,
everyday activities you might be performing which could eventually
lead to
*The Death Penalty* (or affect your parents' credit rating). Our
criminal
institutions are full of little creeps like you who do wrong
things...and
many of them were driven to these crimes by a horrible force called
MUSIC!

Our studies have shown that this horrible force is so dangerous to
society
at large, that laws are being drawn up at this very moment to stop it
forever! Cruel and inhumane punishments are being carefully described
in
tiny paragraphs so they won't conflict with the Constitution (which,
itself,
is being modified in order to accommodate THE FUTURE).

I bring you now a special presentation to show what can happen to you
if
you choose a career in MUSIC...*The WHITE ZONE is for loading and
unloading only...if you have to load or unload, go to the WHITE
ZONE...
you'll love it...it's a way of life...Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...Hi, it's
me,
I'm back. This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER...The WHITE ZONE is for
loading
and unloading only...If yah gotta load, or if yah gotta unload, go to
the WHITE ZONE. You'll love it...it's a way of life. That's right,
you'll
love it, it's a way of life, that's right, you'll love it, it's a way
of
life, you'll love it. This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER!*

@SONG: SCENE TWO: Joe's Garage

A boring old garage in a residential area with a teen-age band
rehearsing
in it. JOE (the main character in the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER'S *Special
Presentation*) sings to us of the trials and tribulations of
garage-band
husbandry.

Central Scrutinizer:
We take you now, to a garage in Canoga Park.

Frank Zappa:
(It makes its own sauce...)

Joe:
It wasn't very large
There was just enough room to cram the drums
In the corner over by the Dodge
It was a fifty-four
With a mashed up door
And a cheesy little amp
With a sign on the front said "Fender Champ"
And a second hand guitar
It was a Stratocaster with a whammy bar

At this point, LARRY (a guy who will eventually give up music and earn
a
respectable living as a roadie for a group called Toad-O) joins in the
song...

Larry:
We could jam in Joe's Garage
His mama was screamin'
His dad was mad
We was playin' the same old song
In the afternoon 'n' sometimes we would
Play it all night long
It was all we knew, 'n' easy too
So we wouldn't get it wrong
All we did was bend the string like...
Hey!
Down in Joe's Garage
We didn't have no dope or LSD
But a couple 'a' quarts 'a' beer
Would fix it so the intonation
Would not offend yer ear
And the same old chords goin' over 'n' over
Became a symphony
We would play it again 'n' again 'n' again
'Cause it sounded good to me
ONE MORE TIME!
We could jam in Joe's Garage
His mama was screamin',
*"TURN IT DOWN!"*
We was playing' the same old song
In the afternoon 'n' sometimes we would
Play it all night long
It was all we knew, and easy too
So we wouldn't get it wrong
Even if you played it on a saxophone
We thought we was pretty good
We talked about keepin' the band together
'N' we figured that we should
'Cause about this time we was gettin' the eye
From the girls in the neighborhood
They'd all come over 'n' dance around
like...

*Twenty teen-age girls dash
in and go STOMP-CLAP,
STOMP-CLAP-CLAP...*

So we picked out a stupid name
Had some cards printed up for a couple a' bucks
'N' we was on our way to fame
Got matching suits 'N' Beatle Boots
'N' a sign on the back of the car
'N' we was ready to work in a GO-GO Bar
*ONE TWO THREE FOUR
LET'S SEE IF YOU GOT SOME MORE!*
People seemed to like our song
They got up 'n' danced 'n' made a lotta noise
An' it wasn't 'fore very long
A guy from a company we can't name
Said we oughta take his pen
'N' sign on the line for a real good time
But he didn't tell us when
These "good times" would be somethin'
That was really happenin'
So the band broke up
An' it looks like
We will never play again...

Joe:
Guess you only get one chance in life
To play a song that goes like...

(And, as the band plays their little song,
MRS. BORG (who keeps her son SY,
in the closet with the vacuum cleaner)
screams out the window...

Mrs. Borg:
Turn it down!
Turn it DOWN!
I have children sleeping here...
Don't you boys know any nice songs?

Joe:
(Speculating on the future)
Well the years was rollin' by, yeah
*Heavy Metal 'n' Glitter Rock*
Had caught the public eye, yeah
Snotty boys with lipstick on
Was really flyin' high, yeah
'N' then they got that *Disco* thing
'N' *New Wave* came along
'N' all of a sudden I thought the time
Had come for that old song
We used to play in Joe's garage
And if I am not wrong
You will soon be dancin' to...

Central Scrutinizer:
*The WHITE ZONE is
for loading and
unloading only. If you
gotta load or unload,
go to the WHITE
ZONE. You'll love it...*

Joe:
Well the years was rollin' by (etc.)...

Mrs. Borg:
I'm calling THE POLICE!
I did it! They'll be here...shortly!

Officer Butzis:
This is the Police...

Mrs. Borg:
I'm not joking around anymore

Officer Butzis:
We have the garage surrounded
If you give yourself up
We will not harm you
Or hurt you neither

Mrs. Borg:
You'll see them

Officer Butzis:
This is the Police

Mrs. Borg:
There they are, they're coming!

Officer Butzis:
Give yourself up
We will not harm you

Mrs. Borg:
Listen to that mess, would you?

Officer Butzis:
This is the Police
Give yourself up
We have the garage surrounded

Mrs. Borg:
Everday this goes on around here!

Officer Butzis:
We will not harm you, or maim you
*(SWAT Team 4, move in!)*

Mrs. Borg:
He used cut my grass...
He was very nice boy...
That's DISGUSTING!!

Central Scrutinizer:
This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER...
That was Joe's first confrontation with The Law.
Naturally, we were easy on him.
One of our friendly counselors gave him
A donut...and told him to
Stick closer to church-oriented social activities.

@SONG: SCENE THREE: Catholic Girls

A festive CYO Party with crepe paper streamers, contestants for the
broom
dance, the *"Hokey Pokey,"* baked goods, and FATHER RILEY making sure
the
lights don't go down too low...

Father Riley And
Various Party Goers:

Catholic girls
With a tiny little mustache
Catholic girls
Do you know how they go?
Catholic girls
In the Rectory basement
Father Riley's a fairy
But it don't bother Mary
Catholic girls
At the CYO
Catholic girls
Do you know how they go?
Catholic girls
There can be no replacement
How do they go, after the show?

Joe:
All the way
That's the way they go
Every day
And none of their mamas ever seem to know
Hip-Hip-Hooray
For all the class they show
There's nothing like a Catholic girl
At the CYO
When they learn to blow...

Father Riley:
They're learning to blow
All the Catholic boys!

Mary:
*Warren Cuccurullo...*

Father Riley:
Catholic boys!

Mary:
*Kinda young, kinda WOW!*

Father Riley:
Catholic boys!

Mary:
*Vinnie Colaiuta...*

Chorus:
Where are they now?
Did they all take *The Vow?*

Father Riley:
Catholic girls

Warren:
Carmenita Scarfone!

Father Riley:
Catholic girls

Officer Butzis:
*Hey! She gave me VD!*

Father Riley:
Catholic girls!

Warren:
*Toni Carbone!*

Chorus:
With a tongue like a cow
She could make you go WOW!

Joe:
*VD vowdy vootie*
Right away
That's the way they go
Every day
Whenever their mamas take them to a show
Matinee
Pass the popcorn, please
There's nothing like a Catholic girl
With her hand in the box
When she's on her knees

Larry:
She was on her knees,
My little Catholic girl

Chorus:
In a little white dress
Catholic girls
They never confess
Catholic girls
I got one for a cousin
I love how they go
So send me a dozen
Catholic girls
OOOOOOH!
Catholic girls
OOOOOOH!
(etc.)

Central Scrutinizer:
This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER...
Joe had a girlfriend named Mary.
She used to go the church club every week.
They'd meet each other there
Hold hands
And think Pure Thoughts
But one night at the Social Club meeting
Mary didn't show up...
She was sucking cock backstage at the Armory
In order to get a pass
To see some big rock group for free...

@SONG: SCENE FOUR: Crew Slut

Backstage at the local Armory, Mary, in her little white dress, is
wiping
the remnants of her performance off the side of her mouth as LARRY
(the
guy from the garage who quit the band in order to make an honest
living)
zips up the front of his stinking boiler suit and sings to the same
teen-age girls who were stomping and clapping a little while ago, as
they
kneel with their little pink mouths open near the crew bus, hoping
to save the price of admission by performing acts of Hooverism on the
jolly lads who set up the P.A. System.

Larry:
Hey, hey, hey, all you girls in these
Industrial towns
I know you're prob'ly gettin' tired
Of all the local clowns
They never give you no respect
They never treat you nice
So perhaps you oughta try
A little friendly advice
And be a CREW SLUT
*Hey, you'll love it*
Be a CREW SLUT
*It's a way of life*
Be a CREW SLUT
*See the world*
*Don't make a fuss, just get on the bus*
CREW SLUT
*Add water, makes its own sauce*
Be a CREW SLUT
*So you don't forget, call before midnite tonite*
*The boys in the crew*
*Are just waiting for you*
You never to get move around
You never go nowhere
I know yer prob'ly gettin' tired
Of all the guys out there
You always wondered what it's like
To go from place to place
So, darlin', take a little ride
On the mixer's face
Be a CREW SLUT
*Just follow the magic footprints*
Be a CREW SLUT
*Hey, you'll love it!*
Be a CREW SLUT
*It's a way of life*
*I ain't gonna squash it*
*And you don't need to wash it!*
CREW SLUT
*Hey, I'll buy you a pizza*
CREW SLUT
*Of course I'll introduce you to Warren*
*The boys in the crew*
*Are only waiting for you*

At this point, the road crew, as all road crews must from time to
time,
borrow some of the big rock group's equipment and have a blues jam
session, indicating to the kneeling maidens that they are endowed with
a
great deal of raw talent, as well as massive meat. Obviously impressed
with LARRY'S ability to suck so hard on his harmonica that screeching
little noises come out of it, MARY kneels again and reaches upward in
gestures of supplication, listening intently as LARRY continues to
sing...

Larry:
Well you been to Alabama, girl,
'N' Georgia too
'N' all the boys in the crew
Is bein' good to you
I know yer sayin' to yourself
*'This is the way to go'*
'Cause when you need a little extra
They will give you some mo'
`Cause you're the CREW SLUT

Mary:
Eh, hah ha, I'm into leather...

Larry:
*That's good! A lot of the boys in the crew love leather...*

Mary:
*And rubber...*

Larry:
*Yeh, they like rubber too...shrink-tubing*
*With a hair dryer...*

Road Crew Chorus:
Trade your spot on the bench
For a guy with a wrench
And be a...

Mary:
*Ha ha ha...*

Larry:
*You like that, huh?*
*I told you you'd love it...*
*It's a way of life!*

Road Crew Chorus:
The guys in the crew
Have got a present for you!
Ren nah naaah
Ren nah naaah
Ren nah naaah

Mary:
*A present for me?*

Road Crew Chorus:
Ren nah naaah
Ren nah naaah
Ren nah naaah

Larry:
*Hmmm, we got a present for you!*

Road Crew Chorus:
Ren nah naaah
Ren nah naaah
Ren nah naaah

Mary:
*Whaddya got?*

Road Crew Chorus:
Ren nah naaah

Mary:
*Whaddya gonna give me?*

Road Crew Chorus:
Ren nah naaah
Ren nah naaah

Larry:
It looks just like a Telefunken U-47
You'll love it...

Mary:
With Leather?

Central Scrutinizer:
Eh errr, eh eh...This is,eh, the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER again...
And so Mary was enticed away from Joe
By an evil barbarian with a wrench in his pocket
Lured into a life of SLEAZERY
With the entire road crew of some
Famous Rock Group
(I don't know whether it was really Toad-O or not...I don't know...
I'll check it out)
Again we see
MUSIC
Causing
BIG TROUBLE!

@SONG: SCENE FIVE: The Wet T-shirt Contest

After a few weeks on the bus, being porked by Toad-O's road crew, and
being too exhausted to do their laundry on a regular basis, MARY is
dumped in Miami. With no money (and no other famous rock groups due
into
the area for at least three weeks), she tries to pick up a few bucks
by
entering the Wet T-shirt contest at *The Brasserie...*

Ike:
Looks to me like something funny
Is going on around here
People laughin' 'n' dancin' 'n' payin'
Entirely too much for their beer
And they all think they are
Clean outta-sight
And they're ready to party
'Cause the sign outside says it's
WET T-SHIRT NITE
'N' they all crave some
Hot delight
Well, the girls are excited
Because in a minute
They're gonna get wet
'N' the boys are delighted
Because all the titties
Will get 'em upset
'N' they all think they are
Reety-awright
'N' they're ready to boogie
'Cause the sign outside says it's
WET T-SHIRT NITE
'N' they all crave some
Pink delight
When the water gets on 'em
Their *ninnies* get rigid
'N' look pretty bold
It's a common reaction
That makes an attraction
Whenever it's cold
'N' all of the fellas
They wish they could bite
On the cute little nuggets
The local girls are showin' off tonite
You know, I think it serves 'em right
You know, I think it serves 'em right
You know, I think it serves 'em right
You know, I think it serves 'em right
And it's
WET T-SHIRT TIME AGAIN
I know you want someone to show you some tit!
BIG ONES!
WET ONES!
BIG WET ONES!

At this point, FATHER RILEY *(who had been recently de-frocked for not
meeting his quota, and has grown his hair out and bought a groovy
sport
coat and moved to Miami and changed his name to BUDDY JONES)* steps
onto
the crowded bandstand in his exciting new role as a *WET T-SHIRT
CONTEST
EMCEE...*

Buddy Jones:
Ah, thanks, IKE...
Yes, it's WET T-shirt TIME AGAIN
Here at the *Brasserie...*
Home of THE TITS...*huh huh...*
And it's the charming Mary from Canoga Park
Up next in her bid for the semi-finals...
Hi, Mary...howya doin'?

Having been fucked senseless by the boys in the crew, MARY does not
recognize the former religious personage from her nights in the
rectory
basement during which she acquired her basic manual
skills...confounded
by his sport coat, she replies...

Mary:
Hi!

Realizing that she no longer recognizes him...or even appreciates the
patient religious training he had given her in the past, BUDDY JONES,
like a true *WET T-SHIRT EMCEE* type person, proceeds to say various
stupid things to waste time, making the contest itself take longer,
thereby giving the mongoloids squatting on the dance floor an
opportunity
to buy more exciting beverages...liquid products that will expand
their
consciousnesses to the point whereby they might more fully enjoy the
ambiance of *Miami By Night...*

Buddy Jones:
Where ya from?

Mary:
Ah, the bus...

Buddy Jones:
Which one?

Mary:
You know...the last tour...
You know...Leather

Buddy Jones:
Oh...you were the girl stuck to seat 38 *Phydeaux III...* why don't
you
get in position and take a deep breath, because this water is very,
very
cold, but it's goin' to be so stimulating. And Mary's the kind of Red-
Blooded American Girl who'll do anything...

Mary:
Anything...

Buddy Jones:
I said anything...for fifty bucks
That's right!

Mary:
I really need the fifty bucks, you know
I gotta get home!

Buddy Jones:
Yeh, I know, your father is waiting for you in the tool shed...that's
right, you heard right...our big prize tonite is fifty American
Dollars
to the girl with the most exciting *mammalian protuberances...*

Mary:
Here I am!

Buddy Jones:
...as viewed through a thoroughly soaked, stupid looking white sort of
male person's conservative kind of middle-of-the-road COTTON
UNDERGARMENT! Whoopee! And here comes THE WATER!

Mary:
*EEEK!*

Buddy Jones:
No, you'd squeak more if the water got on you...sounds like you just
got
an ice pick in the forehead...AND HERE COMES THE ICE PICK IN THE
FOREHEAD
...a million laughs, Mary! Anyway; good golly, what a mess...she's
totally soaked...yeh, totally committed to the fifty bucks...That's it
just step into the spotlight...let the guys get a good look at ya
honey!

Mary:
Here I am!

Buddy Jones:
Whaddya say, fellas?
Nice setta jugs?
Now Mary, how's about shakin' it around a little...

Mary:
Ooooh!

Buddy Jones:
Oh my goodness, look at her go!

Mary:
Oooh! I'm dancing!
I'm dancing!

Buddy Jones:
Ain't this what living is really all about! Here's your fifty bucks
Mary...

Mary:
Oh, great! Now I can go home!

Buddy Jones:
Home is where the heart is.

Mary:
On the bus.

@SONG: SCENE SIX: Toad-O Line

Whereupon the house combo at the *Brasserie* drifts into a modified
version of one of Toad-O's big hit numbers
BUDDY JONES stares longingly at the little nozzles pooching out of
Mary's moistened upper clothing, but it's too late...WARREN, one of
the other guys from Joe's Garage Band has already recognized her (he's
now one of the foremost disco-fusion rhythm guitar players on the Wet
T-shirt Circuit, currently providing exciting strummery here in
Miami),
and is in the process of getting the details of her life on the bus
with
LARRY and the other jolly road crew lads. He eventually sends JOE a
letter with this information in it...

Central Scrutinizer:
This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER...Meanwhile, Joe hears about Mary's
naughty exploits. He falls in with a fast crowd and gets seduced by a
girl who works at the Jack-In-The-Box, named Lucille, who gives him an
unpronounceable disease...

@SONG: SCENE SEVEN: Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?

Shortly after his liaison with the taco stand lady, JOE makes a
horrible
discovery...

Joe:
Why does it hurt when I pee?
Why does it hurt when I pee?
I don't want no doctor
To stick no needle in me
Why does it hurt when I pee?
I got it from the toilet seat
I got it from the toilet seat
It jumped right up
'N' grabbed my meat
Got it from the toilet seat
My balls feel like a pair of maracas
My balls feel like a pair of maracas
Oh, God, I probably got the
Gon-o-ka-ka-khackus!
My balls feel like a pair of maracas
Ai-ee-ai-ee-ahhhh!
Why does it
Why does it
Why does it
Why does it hurt...when I
Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?

@SONG: SCENE EIGHT: Lucille Has Messed My Mind Up

JOE is so disoriented by his disease, he goes in the other room and
plays
the title cut from an old Jeff Simmons album, and sings along with it.

Joe:
Lucille
Has messed my mind up
But I still love her
Oh, I still love her
Lucille
Has messed my mind up
But I still love her
Oh, I still love her
Lucille
Has messed my mind up
But I still need her
You know I need her
Whatcha tryna doota me
Lucille?
Whatcha tryna doota me
Lucille?
Whatcha tryna doota me
Lucille?
You got me goin' outa my mind
Lucille
Has tore my heart up
But I still love her
I really love her
Lucille
Has tore my heart up
But I still need her
You know I need her
She treats me like my heart
Is made of stone
She runs around
And leaves me home
All alone
She doesn't answer
When I call her on the phone
She messed up my mind
I'm crying alla the time
Lucille
Has messed my mind up *(etc., etc., etc.)*

Central Scrutinizer:
This is the CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER...again, Hi!...It's me again, the
CENTRAL SCRUTINIZER...Joe says Lucille has messed his mind up, but,
was
it the girl or was it the music? As you can see...girls, music,
disease,
heartbreak...they all go together...Joe found out the hard way, but
his
troubles were just beginning...his mind was so messed up...he could
hardly do nothin'...He was in a quandary...being devoured by the
swirling
cesspool of his own steaming desires...the guy was a wreck...so...what
does he do? For once, he does something SMART...he goes out...and pays
a
lot of money to *L. Ron Hoover*...at the *First Church of
Appliantology!*