REQ: Victoria Wood
Rufus Leaking
I'm through with men
from the "Secret Policeman's Other Ball"
anyone???
TIA
Dave
"Hid in the reeds are eyes that peek,
voices I don't understand.
Flamingos fly endlessly,
To the silent sky"
Gareth Owen
> Not sure of title,
"Had It Up To Here"
> but the song is
"This song is indicative of my deep interest in the act of physical
love-making. It's very short."
I've had it up to here with men --
Perhaps I should phrase that again,
Been wearing pretty dresses floral,
Taking contraceptives (oral),
Since I don't remember when.
I've had it up to here with blokes,
And all their stupid dirty jokes.
It's not a lot of fun
To hear the one about the nun,
The marrow, the banana and John Noakes.
Men act as if to have a screw
Is the last thing they want to do.
Then they switch the lights off
And try to rip your tights off.
They take their coffee with sugar, milk and you.
It's not that I expect true love,
Or gazing at the stars above --
If as a person they'd acknowledge me,
Not just bits of gynaecology,
Or if they'd just take off the rubber glove.
To start your evenings off in Lurex,
Finish them with biscuits,
Doesn't really turn me on.
I'll stay at home in my pyjamas,
Watch a programme about llamas.
I won't need any lip-gloss.
I won't need any Amplex,
Just Ovaltine and buns for one.
I've had it up to here with sex,
Those nylon vests and hairy necks.
They expect you to be flighty,
And they act like God almighty
'Cos they've got a cock and they can mend a flex.
And when they proudly strip and pose,
I want to say, "What's one of those?"
They tend to feel a failure
If you don't love their genitalia,
Though why you should, Christ only knows.
No more nights of drinking,
Nodding, smiling, thinking,
"Jesus, when can I go home?"
No more struggling in taxis,
In Vauxhalls, Imps and Maxis
With stupid little bleeders
With all the charming manners
Of the average Garden Gnome.
And when they're down to socks and grin,
You know it's time to get stuck in.
Full of self-congratulation,
They expect a combination
Of Olga Korbut, Raquel Welch and Rin Tin Tin.
I've not had an encounter yet
That didn't leave me cold and wet.
I'd be happier, I know,
If we could only go
From the foreplay straight to the cigarette.
I'll finish and just say again,
I've definitely had it,
Well, very nearly had it,
Had it nearly up to here with men.
Stolen from http://www2.prestel.co.uk/cello/songs.htm
--
Gareth Owen
If I knew what the hell I was doing, it wouldn't be research...
Rufus Leaking
>
>"Had It Up To Here"
TUVM, it was hilarious on tv, even funnier in print, though a few of the
references mystify me, given our sharing a common language, LOL
Gareth Owen
> >> Not sure of title,
> >
> >"Had It Up To Here"
>
> TUVM, it was hilarious on tv, even funnier in print, though a few of the
> references mystify me, given our sharing a common language, LOL
Wood's full of weird Britishisms[0]. If you want any translated, just ask.
[0] ("Beat me on the bottom with a Woman's Weekly" a particular fave)
--
Gareth Owen
Passport pictures are what people really look like.
Rufus Leaking
okay:
John Noakes. who he?
Lurex - what's that?
Amplex - what's that?
they can mend a flex. What's this mean?
Otherwise it's pretty easy to grasp...
Now to search her out and see what else she's done - I assume she's known for
this kind of humor in song?
Gareth Owen
> >Wood's full of weird Britishisms[0]. If you want any translated, just ask.
>
> okay:
>
> John Noakes. who he?
Wholesome British children's television presenter, who worked on the BBC's
flagship "Blue Peter" in the 1970s and 1980s.
Its presenters have become - ahem - less wholesome since.[0]
> Lurex - what's that?
Synthetic fibre made of plastic coated aluminium (aluminum).
Shiny in appearance, somewhere between Spandex and Lycra. Unpleasant.
> Amplex - what's that?
a brand of deodorant
> they can mend a flex. What's this mean?
Capable of doing basic household repairs ("flex" meaning power cable)
> Now to search her out and see what else she's done - I assume she's known for
> this kind of humor in song?
Yeah. My favourite remains The Ballad of Barry and Freda, something of a role
reversal from the previous one.
http://www2.prestel.co.uk/cello/BarryAndFreda.htm
[0] http://www.thisislondon.com/news/articles/1730067
Rufus Leaking
>role
>reversal from the previous one.
another laffer, TUVM again....
keith.smith11
"Gareth Owen" <use...@gwowen.freeserve.co.uk> wrote in message
news:r5ik7jk...@gill.maths.keele.ac.uk...
> djma...@aol.comrufus (Rufus Leaking) writes:
>
> > >> Not sure of title,
> > >
> > >"Had It Up To Here"
> >
> > TUVM, it was hilarious on tv, even funnier in print, though a few of
the
> > references mystify me, given our sharing a common language, LOL
>
> Wood's full of weird Britishisms[0]. If you want any translated, just
ask.
>
> [0] ("Beat me on the bottom with a Woman's Weekly" a particular fave)
That was one of the funniest songs ever Gareth, got the lyrics?
Gareth Owen
> That was one of the funniest songs ever Gareth, got the lyrics?
"The Ballad Of Freda & Barry"
-----------------------------
Freda and Barry sat one night.
The sky was clear. The stars were bright.
The wind was soft. The moon was up.
Freda drained her cocoa cup
She licked her lips. She felt sublime.
She switched off Gardeners' Question Time.
Barry cringed in fear and dread
As Freda grabbed his tie, and said:
Let's do it!
Let's do it,
Do it while the mood is right!
I'm feeling
Appealing.
I've really got an appetite.
I'm on fire
With desire.
I could handle half the tenors in a male voice choir.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!
But he said:
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I don't believe in too much sex.
This fashion
For passion
Turns us into nervous wrecks.
No derision!
My decision --
I'd rather watch The Spinners on the television.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.
So she said:
Let's do it!
Let's do it,
Do it till our hearts go boom!
Go native,
Creative
Living in the living room.
This folly
Is jolly.
Bend me over backwards on me Hostess trolley.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!
But he said:
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
Me 'eavy breathing days have gone.
I'm older,
Feel colder.
It's other things that turn me on.
I'm imploring:
I'm boring.
Let me read this catalogue on vinyl flooring.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.
So she said:
Let's do it!
Let's do it,
Have a crazy night of love!
I'll strip bare.
I'll just wear
Stilettos and an oven glove.
Don't starve a
Girl of a palaver.
Dangle from the wardrobe in your Balaclava.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!
But he said:
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I know I'd only get it wrong.
Don't angle
For me to dangle.
Me arms 'ave never been that strong.
Stop pouting.
Stop shouting.
You know I pulled a muscle when I did that grouting.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.
Let's do it!
Let's do it,
Share a night of wild romance,
Frenetic,
Poetic!
This could be your last big chance
To quote Milton,
To eat Stilton,
To roll in gay abandon on the tufted Wilton.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I've got other little jobs on hand.
Don't grouse
Around the house.
I've got a busy evening planned.
Stop nagging.
I'm flagging.
You know as well as I do that the pipes want lagging.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.
Let's do it!
Let's do it
While I'm really in the mood!
Three cheers!
It's years
Since I caught you even semi-nude.
Be drastic
Gymnastic.
Wear your baggy Y-fronts with the loose elastic.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I must refuse to get undressed.
I feel silly.
It's too chilly
To go without me thermal vest.
Don't choose me.
Don't use me.
Me mother sent a note to say you must excuse me.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.
Let's do it!
Let's do it!
I feel I absolutely must.
I won't exempt you,
Want to tempt you,
Want to drive you mad with lust.
No cautions,
Just contortions!
Smear an avocado on me lower portions.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
It's really not my cup of tea.
I'm harassed,
Embarrassed.
I wish you hadn't picked on me.
No dramas!
Give me me pyjamas.
The only girl I'm mad about is Judith Chalmers.
I can't do it.
I can't do it tonight.
Let's do it!
Let's do it!
I really want to run amok.
Let's wiggle.
Let's jiggle.
Let's really make the rafters rock.
Be mighty.
Be flighty.
Come and melt the buttons on me flameproof nightie.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!
Let's do it!
Let's do it!
I really want to rant and rave.
Let's go,
'Cause I know
Just how I want you to behave:
Not bleakly,
Not meekly.
Beat me on the bottom with a Woman's Weekly.
Let's do it!
Let's do it tonight!.
--
Gareth Owen
Enjoy your job, make lots of money, work within the law. Choose any two.
Ed
> "The Ballad Of Freda & Barry"
> -----------------------------
> Freda and Barry sat one night.
> The sky was clear. The stars were bright.
> The wind was soft. The moon was up.
> Freda drained her cocoa cup
>
> She licked her lips. She felt sublime.
> She switched off Gardeners' Question Time.
> Barry cringed in fear and dread
> As Freda grabbed his tie, and said:
>
> Let's do it!
> Let's do it,
> Do it while the mood is right!
> I'm feeling
> Appealing.
> I've really got an appetite.
[ ]
If I didn't know, I'd have guessed those lyrics were from Pam Ayres.
Remember her? I don't think she sings tho.
Bunty Pritchard Jones
in common is the ability to write with a mischievous risqué feel -
without descending to the crudities and vulgarity of other comediennes
one could mention.
I think Pam Ayres now presents Charlie Chester's Radio Show on Sundays
BBC2.
One of my favourites is "The Missus Meself and The Boys" - a poem about
starlings.
Bunty :}
--
Bunty Pritchard Jones
Please view my tribute to September 11th and Bali at:
http://www.antiques9.fsbusiness.co.uk
Bunty Pritchard Jones
>Remember her? I don't think she sings tho.
>
Enjoy.
Bunty :}
http://home.tampabay.rr.com/jownley/pamayres.htm
Ed
Bunty Pritchard Jones <bpritch...@antiques9.fsbusiness.co.uk> wrote in
message news:JL05yjAV...@antiques9.fsbusiness.co.uk...
> In article <aqp5lv$sd5$1...@venus.btinternet.com>, Ed <E...@me.com> writes
> >
> >If I didn't know, I'd have guessed those lyrics were from Pam Ayres.
> >Remember her? I don't think she sings tho.
> >
> I just found this URL
> Enjoy.
> Bunty :}
> http://home.tampabay.rr.com/jownley/pamayres.htm
John Dean
>> Wood's full of weird Britishisms[0]. If you want any translated,
>> just ask.
>
> okay:
>
> John Noakes. who he?
>
> Lurex - what's that?
>
> Amplex - what's that?
>
> they can mend a flex. What's this mean?
>
> Otherwise it's pretty easy to grasp...
>
> Now to search her out and see what else she's done - I assume she's
> known for this kind of humor in song?
She is what they call multi-talented. Her break came as a writer & performer
of humorous songs, but she ahs branched out. She's written plays, sketches &
sit-coms, appeared as an actress in all three and does regular sell-out
stand-up tours. One of the funniest performers you will see. 'Barry and
Freda' used to be the inevitable encore at her stand up tours but she
dropped it recently.
--
John Dean
Oxford
De-frag to reply
John Dean
>> "The Ballad Of Freda & Barry"
>> -----------------------------
>
> Remember her? I don't think she sings tho.
She does, actually, and accompanies herself on a small guitar. That's a
regular part of her stage show, as is the telling of hilarious anecdotes.
But she's still best known for her poems.
Rufus Leaking
>of humorous songs, but she ahs branched out. She's written plays, sketches &
>sit-coms, appeared as an actress i
I got a pretty good run-down on her cV on a website. Not gonna post links, it's
easy enough to find some 880 sites with VW content....
Thanks again