How To Survive A Monster\Horror Movie

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Oct 30, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/30/98
(This a a rewrite of an email that I recieved a long time ago, I added in a few
parts, but some else wrote most of it.)
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster. *never* check to see if
it's really dead.
2. If you find out that your house is built upon or near a cemetary, once was
a church that was used for black masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad,
commited sucide or died in some horrible, or had inhabitants who performed
necrophila or satanic pactices in your house, move away immediantely.
3. Never read a book of demaon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
4. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
5. When pursued by the killer\monster, run outside, not upstairs.
6. If your children speak to you in Latin or in a language that they should
not know, or if they speak to you using a voice that is not their own, shoot
them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. NOTE: It
will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared.
7. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open a gateway to Hell.
8. Never stand in, on, above, below, beside, or anywhere near a grave, tomb,
crypt, mausoleum, or other house of the dead.
9. If you're searching for something that made a noise and dicover that it was
just the cat, leave the room immediately if you value your life.
10. If appliances start operating by themselves, move out.
11. Do not take *anything* from the dead.
12. If you find a town that looks deserted, it's probably that weay for a good
reason. Take a hint and leave the town.
13. Never suba dive in Loch Ness.
14. Don't go into a body of water were monster attacks have been reported.
15. Stay close to shore.
16. Don't fool with recombiant DNA technology unless you know what you are
17. If you're running from the monster, expect to fall down or trip at least
twice, more if you are of female persuasion. Also note that if you are running
and the monster is just shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch
up with you.
18. Don't get any popcorn, if you do and forget butter, don't go back for it.

19. Sex is a huge no-no.
20. Don't get drunk.
21. Don't shower.
22. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior
such as hissing, glowing eyes, fascination for blood, increasing hairiness, and
so on, get away from them as fast a possible.
23. If your companion begins to transorm, run away during the long
transformation sequence.
24. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed
here: Amityvill, Elm Street, Camp Crystal Lake, Transyvania, the Bermuda
Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
25. If your car runs out of gas at night, do not go to the nearby deserted
looking house too phone for help.
26. Beware of strangers strangers bearing tools such as chainsaws, staple
guns, hedge trimmers, knives, electric carving knives, combines, lawnmowers,
butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any device made from deceased
27. Don't pick on the strange kid with problems.
28. Never enter a sewer.
29. Stay away from radioactive materials.
30. Don't test any formula on yourself or use yourself as a human guina pig
for an invention.
31. Use the buddy system, stay in groups, don't spilt up.
32. Listen to the soundtrack; and pay attention to the audience, since they
are far more intelligent than you will ever hope to be.
33. Don't undress.
34. Don't be: One of two kids making out on lover's lane, the janitor at a
research facility, a hunter, a redneck, or the old prospector and or his mule.

35. Be the main star in the movie. the monster will probably take its time to
try to kill you. If you aren't the main star, you're toast.
36. Don't say "I'll be right back.", becuase if you do say it, you won't.
37. If you find a puppet with sharp objects or weapons in its possesion,
destroy it quickly.
38. If you get a call asking if you like scarey movies, reply "No, I prefer
comedies( or another genre.).


Oct 30, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/30/98
My rule for horror pics is:

The only thing dumber than the sherrif is the night watchman

David Daugherty

Oct 30, 1998, 3:00:00 AM10/30/98
LOL Gfan.

Brandon Smith

Nov 1, 1998, 3:00:00 AM11/1/98
Here's one from "Event Horizon":

When referring to killing the guy who just eliminated your only means of escape
from Hell, never grab the bone saw and turn'll be face to face with an
eyeless dead guy and he'll cut you open.

Gavin R.R. Smith
"Just your good old fashioned monster."

Brandon Smith

Nov 1, 1998, 3:00:00 AM11/1/98
Hey, that's pretty good. Okay, here's some more:

Never be the last guy in line, nor the first, be right in the middle.
Don't stick your head within reach of the super-human monster.
When your hiding place is breached by the monster, don't sit there and scream,
unless Sigourney Weaver is on your side.
When being attacked by mortal monsters, use your gun instead of staring like an
idiot, because you'll soon be a dead idiot.
When your trapped by a T-Rex that can't reach you and find a harmless snake in
your collar, especially a harmless Coral snake-mimic, enjoy your new pet instead
of feeding yourself to the dinosaur.
When being chased by an aquatic monster, NEVER, under any circumstances, go into
the water because you'll simply feed the monster and increase its bloodlust.
When up against a monster that has already defied physics multiple times, don't
try to escape from it by any means, just run and its powers will strangely cease,


Nov 2, 1998, 3:00:00 AM11/2/98
How about:

Never get involved with dinosaurs.
If you are the only person in a town with an accent, leave.
If you are closely involved with foreigners (IE, a Spanish aid to an American
doctor), get the hell out of there.
It's generally a bad idea to build on Indian burial grounds, let alone dig up
the corpses, piss on them, and bury them upside down.
Don't torment disfigured and/or retarded children, and NEVER, NEVER kill them.
Shoot outs with aliens and demons usually don't work.
If there is a gorilla on the loose, leave town.
Don't hang out with people who keep African animals for pets.
If there's a camp where nearly 300 teens brutally met their deaths in the past
few years, don't go there.
Keep a gun with buck shot handy.
Burn the remains.
Never experiment with a gooey substance.
Never touch a comet.
If a comet lands in your back yard, move.
If it looks like it's undead, walks like it's undead, and sounds like it's
undead, chances are it'll eat you.
Remember, believe the crazy men.
If a man dies of dehydration, up a tree, try to keep off the ground.
Don't step on the pentagram.

More if they come to pass.

Keith "Xerxes" Stevens (Xerxes es asimus)
"Put me DOWN Konga! You fool! Stop this idiocy at once, you big ape!"

Doug Moon

Nov 2, 1998, 3:00:00 AM11/2/98
If someone in your group gets bit by a zombie, trust me, they won't get
Never assume you have just enough ammo.
Don't wander in the woods at night.
Don't summon evil demons to avenge your son's accidental death with the
aid of a creepy old woman who dwells out in the woods.
If you hit someone with your car, don't assume they are dead and try to
dispose of the body.
Heck, just don't assume. When you assume you make and ass out of you
and...well, you die.
Never rent cabins.
The police offer no assistance.
Don't be an obnoxious boyfriend.

- Doug Moon
- email: / icq: 8960438 / aim: DaiTorgo

Sigmund C. Shen

Nov 2, 1998, 3:00:00 AM11/2/98
Gorosaurus ( wrote:
> If you are the only person in a town with an accent, leave.

haha . . . plus, from JP2:

If you are the only ethnic minority in an expedition to hunt
extremely rare carnivorous animals, don't do something
stereotypical like sit around with headphones listening to
salsa music.

or, from _watermargins_:

"Of all the 36 ways to get out of trouble, the best way is - leave."


David Daugherty

Nov 2, 1998, 3:00:00 AM11/2/98
LOL everyone; so I thought I would join the party,,,howz about:

Never visit your dead realitives cementary after midnight to have a lawn

Never live near a house that should have been painted 100 years ago

Never taunt or make fun of an old white hair lady with a cane that
wants you to come inside for milk and gingerbread cookies

Never put fire crackers up a black cat's ass and brag about it to the
old hag who raised it from a kitten.

Never poke anything with your finger that looks "cool" , glows, wiggles
like jello, seeping from a rock.

Never move to a backward Southern town
and brag how smart you are and how dumb they are.

Never bury a "hit and run" victim on an American indian reservation

David Daugherty

Nov 2, 1998, 3:00:00 AM11/2/98

Never pitch a tent in tall grass next to a river bank infested with
alligators and crocodiles

Never try to prove to your friends that you got "brass balls" by
sleeping over night in a 200 year old crypt or mausoleum

Never go on a rat roundup in a catacomb.

Never urinate on a tombstone marked "Count"

Never microwave dynamite.

Never try to sell a magizine subscription at the home of any man in a
white lab coat wearing bottle bottom eyeglasses who has a German accent
and walks with a limp.

Never use only a flashlight as your sole means of seeing in the dark on
a monster hunt

Never tell your buddy "I'll be right back"


Nov 2, 1998, 3:00:00 AM11/2/98
>Never move to a backward Southern town
>and brag how smart you are and how dumb they are.

I'm in deep crap.


Those aren't boys dressed up as monsters to scare the girls at a slumber party.

If the sole person on a desert islan, a professor, has a German accent, chances
are he's a diabolical Nazi intent on destruction no matter what he tells you.

If a newspaper runs a story about terrible monsters in a small ocean side town,
do not go through the woods surrounding the town, especially at night. Do
whatever it takes to go around the town.

If a companion is dead, don't got after his voice in the night.

If a companion falls and you only find a puddle of blood where he landed, don't
follow his voice.

If a man is killed when he falls into the water, leave the island immediately.

Water that glows is generally bad.

If you find a man without any bones, don't assume it's a disease.

If a gunshot doesn't even cause a monster pain, it won't work a second or third

David Daugherty

Nov 2, 1998, 3:00:00 AM11/2/98
and finally:

Never take a friend that howls at the moon camping

Never chuck empty beer botlles at passing UFOs

Never whistle and yell "Here Fido!" on a werewolf hunt

Never trust anyone who wears a mask or hood in public all the time

Never "lock lips" with a sexy young pale female in a flowing sheer
nightgown who suddenly appears out of nowhere in the dead of night

Never visit a bog at midnight to meet with your ex boyfriend/girlfriend
that disappeared years earler.

Never date people who can levitate

Never marry an individual who's reflection can not be seen in a mirror.

Never live in the basement of a funeral home

Never try time travel in a electric chair

Never kiss a King Cobra on a dare

Never hand feed lions, tigers , and bears

Finally, never tell a cantankerous old Wizard to go F____ himself or
that his magic act stinks

Brandon Smith

Nov 3, 1998, 3:00:00 AM11/3/98
One from Evil Dead:

If your girlfriend was a demon a second ago, don't believe her when she becomes her
sweet little self and begs you not to kill her--remember, once a demon, always a
Never read from the Necronomicon.
Always be sure you've memorized the words "Klaatu borada nikto" before saying them.

And some advice for the villain:

Never tease the guy with the gun.

Gavin R.R. Smith
"Just your good old-fashioned monster."


Nov 3, 1998, 3:00:00 AM11/3/98
>and finally:
>Never take a friend that howls at the moon camping
>Never chuck empty beer botlles at passing UFOs

How about;

Never wear a red-shirt and beam down to a planet with Captain Kirk.



Nov 3, 1998, 3:00:00 AM11/3/98
Never jokingly say, "They're coming to get you, Barbra" because *they* probably

Don't hide in an old farmhouse--the open countryside is *much* safer.

Listen to the cowardly guy who says "the cellar is the safest place" -- he
knows what he is talking about.

Don't take your girlfriend with you when attempting to fight through an army of
zombies. If she insists on tagging along, make sure that she leaves her jacket

When the crazy girl wants to leave the boarded-up farmhouse and search for her
dead brother, *don't* stop her.

When survival is in doubt and you are the *only* one with the gun, shoot
everyone else and throw the bodies outside. While the dead are busy feasting,
run away.

When gasing up a truck, make sure that the idiot with the torch is nowhere near
the pump.

Don't keep your dying daughter in the cellar with easy access to any sharp,
pointy tools. Take her outside and burn the body immediately, *before* she
dies--you'll be glad that you did later.

Don't creep out of the shadows while there are dozens of trigger-happy rednecks
with rifles blasting at zombies all around you--wave your arms and yell, "Don't
shoot me!"

-Red (from the Two-Z-Bar)

David Daugherty

Nov 3, 1998, 3:00:00 AM11/3/98
LOL everyone! Besides Clevator's classic:

never beam down with Captan Kirk in a red shirt...I quess the ultimate
would be:

Never ever steal anything from a Egyptian
mummy's tomb and use it as bookends or a paper weight


Nov 3, 1998, 3:00:00 AM11/3/98

Never try to start up a car that has had the insides of its' windows

Don't stay on any Polynesian island with people wearing 1950's kitchen

Stay away from any town that looks like Universal City.

Stay away from any town that looks like the neighborhood from "Leave It To

Don't move into a town called Melas.



Nov 5, 1998, 3:00:00 AM11/5/98
If the army has stored the Living Dead in your basement, do not kick the

Never accept Tannis Root in any form.

Never buy barbecue from a no-name gas station in the middle of Texas.


Nov 5, 1998, 3:00:00 AM11/5/98
No monster costume looks that realistic.

michel stylz

Nov 9, 1998, 3:00:00 AM11/9/98
On 3 Nov 1998 17:30:26 GMT, (TwoZbar) wrote:

>Don't hide in an old farmhouse--the open countryside is *much* safer.

This is why you stay in the farmhouse! the woods are full of trigger
happy moon-shine drinking hillbillys that will shoot first and rape
second! (a deliverance joke!)


Nov 16, 1998, 3:00:00 AM11/16/98
How about a few :always"....
such as
1. ALWAYS read the title-if it says "DON"T go in the basement" then
2. ALWAYS listen to the voices in your head- when they say -get out- good
3. ALWAYS keep your weapon in your hand- the second you drop it- the dead
will get up and kill you
4. ALWAYS stay away from the most beautiful girl-she will die first you
5. ALWAYS shower BEFORE your trip
6. ALWAYS tie up the dog by the pool- food for T-Rex
7. ALWAYS believe the kids when they say they saw a monster-chances are
they did
8. ALWAYS stay away from japanese children--monsters follow them everywhere
9. ALWAYS take sides with the ONE person who wants to blown them up from
the get-go
10. ALWAYS stay on land with a 'water' monster and stay in the water with a
'land' creature

....more soon

(.........the daark...what you are most afraid of.....)


Nov 19, 1998, 3:00:00 AM11/19/98
very good

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