Spending Christmas Day with; "Lovable Louise"
Ken
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa
to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed,
his poor panty hose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and
a fake beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll.
Of course, they don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an
adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store,
don't go. You'll only confuse yourself.
I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?"
"You're kidding me!" "Who owns that?" "Do you have their phone number?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of
romance that could also substitute as a passenger in my car so I could
use the car pool lane during rush hour.
I'm not sure what a complicated doll is. Perhaps one that is subject
to wild mood shifts and using a French accent for no reason at all.
(That also describes a few ex-boyfriends.)
Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different
models.
The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things
I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I figured the
"vibro-motion"
was a feature Jay could live without, so I settled for Lovable Louise.
She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took
a huge leap of imagination.
On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to
life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front
door key hidden under the mat.
In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I snuck
into the house and filled the dangling panty hose with Louise's pliant
legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a
glass of milk on a nearby tray.
Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the
dog confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and
bark some more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set
Rover straight.
We also agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest
of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.
It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and
Grandpa would be there. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she
walked in the door.
"What the hell is that?" she asked.
My brother quickly explained. "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.
I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.
"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.
I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself.
"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer
her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.
"Why doesn't she have any teeth?"
Again, I could have answered, but why would I?
It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of
the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to
me and said," Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"
I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed
Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but
actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's
last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well.
We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and
who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded
a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning.
Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and
fell in a heap in front of the sofa.
The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and
Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering
mouth to mouth resuscitation.
My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out
of the room, and sat in the car.
It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to
decide the cause of Louise's collapse.
We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back
of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called
"Duct Tape", we restored her to perfect health.
Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think
Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
--
Ken (MESS) http://www.best.com/~cfids/mess
mailto:m.e...@sympatico.ca
bobbie sellers
K> "A Christmas Story: Lovable Louise"
Really a great story! I forwarded it all over my net contacts.
To avoid confusing you with notes from people with strange ideas I
snipped your contact information.
later
Bobbie Sellers
--
bobbie sellers - the retired and very tired ex-nurse in San Francisco
bliss at california dot com
"Prohibition goes beyond the bounds of reason in that
it attempts to control a man's appetite by legislation and
makes crimes out of things that are not crimes. A
prohibition law strikes a blow at the very principles upon
which our government was founded." -- Abraham Lincoln
* And we never knew that this nation was founded on the right*
*not only to bear arms but to drink hearty and smoke 'em if you*
*got 'em. Tragic flaw in the education process.*
**
Pat Sinnott
I loved you "Louise" story too. Thanks for the good laugh.
Best wishes,
Pat