> You've reminded me of an incident that happened last year before the
> pandemic. I was in a crowded elevator (about 20 people) in the new WTC
> and had just finished my lunch of having 4 black bean tacos and a pint
> of tequila. I could feel it coming on, but even I was surprised by the
> ferocity of the fart I let loose. It was LOUD and the aroma could make
> your eyes tear. For some reason I instinctively looked at the woman to
> my immediate right with disgust at the sound of the burst. Seeing me
> look at her, everyone else in the elevator assumed it was her and
> proceeded to also look at her with great revulsion. The poor woman was
> mortified. You could tell she was one of those high society types who
> had probably never been in the presence of someone who dropped such a
> bomb. Someone standing in the rear of the elevator shouted "Pig" at her.
> The woman looked right at me without saying a word. All I could say was
> "You nasty bitch!". I've been feeling guilty about this incident ever since.
No offense intended Latham. Most of your stuff is ok. Some is good. However, this is your first keeper. Great concept, directing the evil at someone else and not even intending it be be evil. That's why it's a good idea to enter elevators wearing sun glasses with a seeing eye dog on a leash. The sunglasses are fake - you can see through them. Also not a bad idea to dress as a women to avoid the type of brutal typically handed out to men in such situations. As the scene develops and everyone is looking to point the finger of blame at the same source, that is the time to offer your services.
"Hold on people. Calm, we need calm. Now as some of you may have noticed, I am blind. When a person goes blind their other senses become stronger. If you think that fart stinks, you should smell it through my nose."
"So what are you saying?", says one impatient rider cocooned in stink and wanting out. "That you suffer more because of the smell than anyone else?"
"No", comes the reply. "I am saying that I can tell where the fart is coming from. Even without eyes I can ID the offender."
"Who is it? Who cut the fart?", the entire assemblage demands at once.
"Whoa, whoa," comes the response. "The question is, how badly do you want to know who cut it? Are you willing to pay?"
Offers are made and it is finally agreed that one dollar apiece will get the job done. The sunglass wearing stench aficionado gets down on his knees and begins sniffing around, moving first in one direction, then another, the eager crowd growing impatient.
"I'm getting close", the blind sniffer announces. "I smell the source. Yes, yes, that's it. I have discovered it."
"Who?", the crowd yells as one.
"I have traced the fart to it's origin and have determined there is only one asshole in this elevator that could possibly have cut that fart/"
"Who? Who?", they yell over and over.
"Me", comes the reply. "I cut the fart. Sometimes they slide out and I don't know it until people react to it, especially if the reek is ultra minor."
An argument breaks out, many wanting to whip the blind person's ass. Others are offended that anyone would even think of such a thing - beating a blind person. A fracas breaks out. When the elevator arrives at floor #1 everyone is unconscious except for the fake blind person and their dog - and the fart which is still mildly alive in the confined space.