Aik Ghazal aap ki islaaH kii darKHwaast ke saath

Anis Khan

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Mar 23, 2022, 10:24:15 PM3/23/22

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Let's keep the momentum going while I have the attention of the experts :-)
Appreciate your reflections on this Ghazal as I feel some places may require attention. (working on transliteration - apologies for (m)any transgressions).

milaa vo hamsafar ban kar, mera vo kaarvaaN ban kar
Khuda kii ne.mateN haiN, yaar aaya paasbaaN ban kar

kabhi aaiina bankar, usne mujhko, Khud se milvaaya
muhabbat kii kabhi dii chaaNv, mujhko aasmaaN ban kar

vo kah deta hai duniya se, meri achchayiaaN khulkar
chupaayaa us ne meri, har kami ko, raazdaaN ban kar

bacha leta hai mujhko, yaar mera, har balaaoN se
kabhi ham pe, bura jo waqt aaya, imtehaaN ban kar

samay ki aaNdhiyoN se tum bacha lo in charaaGHoN ko
kahiiN rah jaaye naa ye dosti ek daastaaN ban kar

~Anis

Zoya

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Mar 24, 2022, 5:58:08 AM3/24/22

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On Wednesday, March 23, 2022 at 9:24:15 PM UTC-5, aniskh...@gmail.com wrote:
> Let's keep the momentum going while I have the attention of the experts :-)

Anis sahib, aadaab,

I don't consider myself an expert, but you have my attention nonetheless. :)

> Appreciate your reflections on this Ghazal as I feel some places may require attention. (working on transliteration - apologies for (m)any transgressions).

I really liked this ghazal, is meN bahut ravaani hai. daad qubuul kiijiye.
Let me document a few spontaneous thoughts before I lose them.

> milaa vo hamsafar ban kar, mera vo kaarvaaN ban kar
> Khuda kii ne.mateN haiN, yaar aaya paasbaaN ban kar

In the opening misraa, I think you should change 'mera' also to 'milaa', yeh takraar meri raaye meN behtar sunaaii degii. If you do want to stay with 'mera', it should be written 'miraa' in Roman, to preserve the correct vazn.

> kabhi aaiina bankar, usne mujhko, Khud se milvaaya
> muhabbat kii kabhi dii chaaNv, mujhko aasmaaN ban kar

> vo kah deta hai duniya se, meri achchayiaaN khulkar
> chupaayaa us ne meri, har kami ko, raazdaaN ban kar

The above two asha'ar are really good. My compliments.

> bacha leta hai mujhko, yaar mera, har balaaoN se
> kabhi ham pe, bura jo waqt aaya, imtehaaN ban kar

I would change har --> sab, considering that you are using it with the plural 'balaaoN'.

> samay ki aaNdhiyoN se tum bacha lo in charaaGHoN ko
> kahiiN rah jaaye naa ye dosti ek daastaaN ban kar

Since you used 'bachaa letaa' in the she'r immediately preceding this one, I would not repeat it here, we have to think of some alternate words.

Also, ek --> ik, for vazn reasons again.

> ~Anis

This is my two cents, let us see what ustaad Irfan sahib has to say.
I wish Prof RK would give his expert advice too, I am merely his TA. Raj uncle, I miss you, please come back soon.

________Zoya

Zoya

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Mar 24, 2022, 8:59:00 AM3/24/22

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Follow up:

On second thoughts, the 'miraa' in the opening misraa may be replaced by 'chalaa' or something like that.

Anis Khan

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Mar 24, 2022, 11:41:53 AM3/24/22

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On Thursday, March 24, 2022 at 5:58:08 AM UTC-4, Zoya wrote:
> On Wednesday, March 23, 2022 at 9:24:15 PM UTC-5, aniskh...@gmail.com wrote:
> > Let's keep the momentum going while I have the attention of the experts :-)
> Anis sahib, aadaab,
>
> I don't consider myself an expert, but you have my attention nonetheless. :)

Bahut shukriya Zoya sahiba aap ki islaaH aur attention ka.

> I really liked this ghazal, is meN bahut ravaani hai. daad qubuul kiijiye.

shukriya!

> Let me document a few spontaneous thoughts before I lose them.
> > milaa vo hamsafar ban kar, mera vo kaarvaaN ban kar
> > Khuda kii ne.mateN haiN, yaar aaya paasbaaN ban kar
> In the opening misraa, I think you should change 'mera' also to 'milaa', yeh takraar meri raaye meN behtar sunaaii degii. If you do want to stay with 'mera', it should be written 'miraa' in Roman, to preserve the correct vazn.

Thanks. I was considering 'miraa', 'chala' (as you have also suggested and I like it) and 'rahaa' (milaa and then stayed) but it seems 'chala' may work best!

> > kabhi aaiina bankar, usne mujhko, Khud se milvaaya
> > muhabbat kii kabhi dii chaaNv, mujhko aasmaaN ban kar
>
> > vo kah deta hai duniya se, meri achchayiaaN khulkar
> > chupaayaa us ne meri, har kami ko, raazdaaN ban kar
> The above two asha'ar are really good. My compliments.

shukriya!

> > bacha leta hai mujhko, yaar mera, har balaaoN se
> > kabhi ham pe, bura jo waqt aaya, imtehaaN ban kar
> I would change har --> sab, considering that you are using it with the plural 'balaaoN'.

Will do.

> > samay ki aaNdhiyoN se tum bacha lo in charaaGHoN ko
> > kahiiN rah jaaye naa ye dosti ek daastaaN ban kar
> Since you used 'bachaa letaa' in the she'r immediately preceding this one, I would not repeat it here, we have to think of some alternate words.

Potentially '...se tum bacha lo...' can be changed to '...meiN tum sambhaalo...' but need to think more and also wait for additional advice and then change.

> This is my two cents, let us see what ustaad Irfan sahib has to say.
> I wish Prof RK would give his expert advice too, I am merely his TA. Raj uncle, I miss you, please come back soon.
>
> ________Zoya

Much appreciated,
~Anis

Irfan Abid

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Mar 27, 2022, 1:33:17 PM3/27/22

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On Wednesday, March 23, 2022 at 10:24:15 PM UTC-4, aniskh...@gmail.com wrote:
> Let's keep the momentum going while I have the attention of the experts :-)
> Appreciate your reflections on this Ghazal as I feel some places may require attention. (working on transliteration - apologies for (m)any transgressions).
>

Anis sb, aadaab!

I know you are expecting "experts" to comment on your Ghazal, but I hope you wouldn't mind a word from a student. The first thing I want to say is you should start making the title of your threads a little more specific, such as 'Ghazal: milaa vo hamsafar ban kar, mera vo kaarvaaN ban kar.' This will make it easy for you and others to locate a particular thread.

> milaa vo hamsafar ban kar, mera vo kaarvaaN ban kar
> Khuda kii ne.mateN haiN, yaar aaya paasbaaN ban kar
>

Nice one. As Zoya sahiba said, 'meraa' doesn't sound good. Please replace it with something else. Also, since you are only talking about one yaar, the plural 'nemateN' sounds a little odd. Please see if you can use singular 'nemat' such 'ye ne'mat hai Khudaa kii, yaar aayaa...'

> kabhi aaiina bankar, usne mujhko, Khud se milvaaya
> muhabbat kii kabhi dii chaaNv, mujhko aasmaaN ban kar
>

Good. Not sure what you were thinking, but I don't see the need for any commas in this she'r.

> vo kah deta hai duniya se, meri achchayiaaN khulkar
> chupaayaa us ne meri, har kami ko, raazdaaN ban kar
>

Nice one. Again, no need for any commas here.

> bacha leta hai mujhko, yaar mera, har balaaoN se
> kabhi ham pe, bura jo waqt aaya, imtehaaN ban kar
>

Zoya sahiba has already pointed out that 'har' should be 'sab.' I want to draw your attention to the verbs 'bachaa letaa hai' and 'aayaa.' The construction of the she'r demands that the tense of both the verbs be the same (past or present.) This will be clear if you write the she'r in prose. I suggest you say the first misra something like 'bachaayaa yaar ne mere mujhe saarii balaaoN se.' And again, no commas, please.

> samay ki aaNdhiyoN se tum bacha lo in charaaGHoN ko
> kahiiN rah jaaye naa ye dosti ek daastaaN ban kar
>

There are a couple issues with this she'r. Although there is no big harm in using 'samay' here, this word stands out as it's the only chaste Hindi word in the Ghazal. It would be nice to use 'vaqt' instead. Also, it's not clear as to which particular 'chiraaGh' are referred to by 'in chiraaGhoN?' Finally, you have used 'naa' (noon, alif) where 'na' (noon, chhoTi he) is needed. To further illustrate these points, please allow me to reconstruct the she'r like this:

bachaa lo vaqt kii aaNdhii se ulfat ke chiraaGhoN ko
na rah jaaye hamaarii dostii ik daastaaN ban kar

> ~Anis

Hope this helps. Please keep writing and sharing.

Sincerely,
Irfan :Abid:

Anis Khan

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Mar 28, 2022, 4:01:46 PM3/28/22

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On Sunday, March 27, 2022 at 1:33:17 PM UTC-4, Irfan Abid wrote:
> On Wednesday, March 23, 2022 at 10:24:15 PM UTC-4, aniskh...@gmail.com wrote:
> > Let's keep the momentum going while I have the attention of the experts :-)
> > Appreciate your reflections on this Ghazal as I feel some places may require attention. (working on transliteration - apologies for (m)any transgressions).
> >
> Anis sb, aadaab!
>
> I know you are expecting "experts" to comment on your Ghazal, but I hope you wouldn't mind a word from a student. The first thing I want to say is you should start making the title of your threads a little more specific, such as 'Ghazal: milaa vo hamsafar ban kar, mera vo kaarvaaN ban kar.' This will make it easy for you and others to locate a particular thread.

Irfan sb, aadaab,

Many thanks for your thoughtful review and comments which I will try to incorporate and remember for other posts as well.

> > milaa vo hamsafar ban kar, mera vo kaarvaaN ban kar
> > Khuda kii ne.mateN haiN, yaar aaya paasbaaN ban kar
> >
> Nice one. As Zoya sahiba said, 'meraa' doesn't sound good. Please replace it with something else. Also, since you are only talking about one yaar, the plural 'nemateN' sounds a little odd. Please see if you can use singular 'nemat' such 'ye ne'mat hai Khudaa kii, yaar aayaa...'
> > kabhi aaiina bankar, usne mujhko, Khud se milvaaya
> > muhabbat kii kabhi dii chaaNv, mujhko aasmaaN ban kar
> >
> Good. Not sure what you were thinking, but I don't see the need for any commas in this she'r.
> > vo kah deta hai duniya se, meri achchayiaaN khulkar
> > chupaayaa us ne meri, har kami ko, raazdaaN ban kar
> >
> Nice one. Again, no need for any commas here.
> > bacha leta hai mujhko, yaar mera, har balaaoN se
> > kabhi ham pe, bura jo waqt aaya, imtehaaN ban kar
> >
> Zoya sahiba has already pointed out that 'har' should be 'sab.' I want to draw your attention to the verbs 'bachaa letaa hai' and 'aayaa.' The construction of the she'r demands that the tense of both the verbs be the same (past or present.) This will be clear if you write the she'r in prose. I suggest you say the first misra something like 'bachaayaa yaar ne mere mujhe saarii balaaoN se.' And again, no commas, please.
> > samay ki aaNdhiyoN se tum bacha lo in charaaGHoN ko
> > kahiiN rah jaaye naa ye dosti ek daastaaN ban kar
> >
> There are a couple issues with this she'r. Although there is no big harm in using 'samay' here, this word stands out as it's the only chaste Hindi word in the Ghazal. It would be nice to use 'vaqt' instead. Also, it's not clear as to which particular 'chiraaGh' are referred to by 'in chiraaGhoN?' Finally, you have used 'naa' (noon, alif) where 'na' (noon, chhoTi he) is needed. To further illustrate these points, please allow me to reconstruct the she'r like this:
>
> bachaa lo vaqt kii aaNdhii se ulfat ke chiraaGhoN ko
> na rah jaaye hamaarii dostii ik daastaaN ban kar
>

Nice alternative suggestion - I like it. I need to work on spending more time on thinking and constructing properly rather than sloppily go for a quicker but not the most appropriate choice (needed a short-long syllable so went with samay rather than more appropriate vaqt which would have been a long-short syllable requiring reconstruction).

> > ~Anis
>
> Hope this helps. Please keep writing and sharing.

Indeed it helps immensely and I am grateful for your thoughts.

> Sincerely,
> Irfan :Abid:

Best,
Anis