"muddat hui hai yaar ko mehmaaN kiye hue"
Shoaib Tanvir
1- dil ko jigar se dast-o-girebaaN kiye hue
baiTha hooN apne dard ka darmaaN kiye hue
2- dildaari-e-hayaat ka samaaN kiye hue
"muddat hui hai yaar ko mehmaaN kiye hue"
3- seene ko dil ke daagh se biryaaN kiye hue
ham hain ilaaj-e-gardish-e-doraaN kiye hue
4- woh sogwaar aaye hain mere mazaar par
shaane pe gaisoo-oN ko pareshaaN kiye hue
5- baiTha hooN chhaiR kar nayaa naghma maiN aaj phir
har taar-e-aarzoo ko pareshaaN kiye hua
6- marne ki aarzoo meiN jiiye jaa raha hooN maiN
naakaamiyoN ko zeest ka unwaaN kiye hua
7- kab tak kisi ki yaad ko dil meiN rakhooN Shoaib
maiN zindagi se maut ka paimaaN kiye hua
Shoaib
Vijay Kumar
news:jdJLOcFyRAPGs1...@4ax.com...
> Ghalib ke eik misre per tarahi ghazal:-
Tanvir Sahib,
aap neN to ghazab dhaa diia. abhi meN aap kii nazam par kucchh likhne kii
soch raha thaa ki aap nen dhaRa-dhaR do ghazaleN aur nashar kar diiN!
pehlii baat to meN yeh kehtaa chalooN, ki mere Khyaal meN aap kii donoN
ghazleN, qa'taa aur donoN nazmeN bilkul 'in-meter' haiN. mujhe pooraa yaqiin
hai ki jab Rak Kumar Sahib aap kii ghazloN par tabsara kareNge to mujh se is
baat par sehmat hoNge. ab aap theory pe kam aur likhne pe ziaadah zor deN.
> 1- dil ko jigar se dast-o-girebaaN kiye hue
> baiTha hooN apne dard ka darmaaN kiye hue
>
> 2- dildaari-e-hayaat ka samaaN kiye hue
> "muddat hui hai yaar ko mehmaaN kiye hue"
bohat acchhe Tanvir Sahib, bohat Khoob. ustaad sho'ra ke asha'ar ka aik
misra apne she'r meN shamil karne, aur is tarah unko khiraj-e-aqiidat pesh
karne kii rivaayat bohat puranii hai. jaise:
ham bhii inhiiN f'zaaoN ke paale hooe to haiN
"go 'yaaN' nahiiN pe 'yaan' se nikaale hooe to haiN"
Saahir
jang cchiR jaae meN agar keh dooN
"yeh hamaarii z'baan hai pyaare"
Hafiiz
na shab-o-roz hii badle haiN na haal acchhaa hai
" 'kis' birhaman neN kahaa 'thaa' ki yeh saal acchhaa hai"
Ahmed F'raaz
aap neN bhii is rivaayat ko bohat acchhi tarkiib se nibhaaya hai*.
>
> 3- seene ko dil ke daagh se biryaaN kiye hue
> ham hain ilaaj-e-gardish-e-doraaN kiye hue
yeh tiisra matla meri samajh se thoRa bahir niikla. Khaas kar,
lafz-e-biryaaN ka istemaal pehle misre meN thoRa ajiib hai. meri samajh meN
to (according to Platts) 'biryaaN' ke ma'ani hote haiN 'kabhi kisii waqat
par' yaa 'aik hii waqat par'. agar aap kucchh raushnii daaleN to mehrbaanii
hogii.
> 4- woh sogwaar aaye hain mere mazaar par
> shaane pe gaisoo-oN ko pareshaaN kiye hue
yeh 'shaane pe gaisoo-oN ke pariishaaN' hone meN bhii ghalib kaa rang hai,
lekin aap ke 'sogwaar' manzar ka aqs ghalib ke 'yeh niiNd uskii hai, dimaagh
uskaa hai......' ke aqs se kaafi judaa hai.
> 5- baiTha hooN chhaiR kar nayaa naghma maiN aaj phir
> har taar-e-aarzoo ko pareshaaN kiye hua
yeh she'r bohat pasand aaya. 'dil ke taaroN' ya 'aarzooN ke taaroN' kii
tul'naa aik 'saaz ke taroN' se karne kii baat pe to abhi kucchh arsa pehle
ALUP pe bhii kaafii tbaad'laa-e-Khyaalaat hooa thaa. aik 'typo'. aaKhirii
tiin she'roN ke aaKhirii laf'z ko 'hue' hona chaahiie.
> 6- marne ki aarzoo meiN jiiye jaa raha hooN maiN
> naakaamiyoN ko zeest ka unwaaN kiye hua
>
'marne ki aarzoo men jiinaa' aik bohat puraanaa aur 'oft-travelled' unwaan
hai urdu shayirii meN. Lekin jaise meN neN Ayesha Sahiba ko bhii likhaa thaa
ki 'shayarii is to a large degree individualising the expression of
recurring motifs.'
> 7- kab tak kisi ki yaad ko dil meiN rakhooN Shoaib
> maiN zindagi se maut ka paimaaN kiye hua
> Shoaib
*isii rivaayat kii aik ayr bohat umdaa misaal deta chalooN. ghalib ke
mash'hoor 'sehra' kaa aaKhirii she'r hai:
ham suKhan-feham haiN, ghalib ke tarafdaar nahiiN
dekheN is sehere se keh de koii baRh kar sehra
aap is she'r ko nazar meN rakkheN aur 'nazar' amrohii kaa yeh she'r suneN:
shayar hai 'nazar' phir to suKhan-feham bhii hogaa
lekin mujhe ghalib ka tarafdaar lage hai
Regards,
Vijay Kumar
Abhijit
baiTha hooN apne dard ka darmaaN* kiye hue
2- dildaari-e-hayaat ka samaaN kiye hue
"muddat hui hai yaar ko mehmaaN kiye hue"
3- seene ko dil ke daagh se biryaaN* kiye hue
ham hain ilaaj-e-gardish-e-doraaN* kiye hue
4- woh sogwaar* aaye hain mere mazaar par
shaane* pe gaisoo-oN ko pareshaaN kiye hue
5- baiTha hooN chhaiR kar nayaa naghma maiN aaj phir
har taar-e-aarzoo ko pareshaaN kiye hua
6- marne ki aarzoo meiN jiiye jaa raha hooN maiN
naakaamiyoN ko zeest ka unwaaN kiye hua
7- kab tak kisi ki yaad ko dil meiN rakhooN Shoaib
maiN zindagi se maut ka paimaaN kiye hua
Shoai ji,
If you do not mind, please explain the meaning of the words
marked with '*'. I (and may be a few others) have limited
vocabulary in Urdu but would like to enjoy your peom.
Sincerely
thanks
Abhijit
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Shoaib Tanvir
wrote:
>pehlii baat to meN yeh kehtaa chalooN, ki mere Khyaal meN aap kii donoN
>ghazleN, qa'taa aur donoN nazmeN bilkul 'in-meter' haiN. mujhe pooraa yaqiin
>hai ki jab Rak Kumar Sahib aap kii ghazloN par tabsara kareNge to mujh se is
>baat par sehmat hoNge. ab aap theory pe kam aur likhne pe ziaadah zor deN.
Vijay Saahab,
Aap ka bohat shukriya himmat afzaii aur hosla afzaai per. Likhne ka
kaam tau zor shor se chaltaa hi rehtaa hai lekin jab tak wazan ki
baareekiaaN samajh meiN nahiN aayeNgi ghalatiaaN tau hoti hi ranheNgi.
Dekhiye koshish jaari hai ke iss jihalat ka ilaj kar leiN.
Aur meiN typos per maazrat chaahtaa hooN. Hua ki jagaa hue hi hai
lekin jaane kese aakhri teen sheroN meiN gaRbaR kar di.
>bohat acchhe Tanvir Sahib, bohat Khoob. ustaad sho'ra ke asha'ar ka aik
>misra apne she'r meN shamil karne, aur is tarah unko khiraj-e-aqiidat pesh
>karne kii rivaayat bohat puranii hai. jaise:
>
>ham bhii inhiiN f'zaaoN ke paale hooe to haiN
>"go 'yaaN' nahiiN pe 'yaan' se nikaale hooe to haiN"
> Saahir
>
>jang cchiR jaae meN agar keh dooN
>"yeh hamaarii z'baan hai pyaare"
> Hafiiz
>
>na shab-o-roz hii badle haiN na haal acchhaa hai
>" 'kis' birhaman neN kahaa 'thaa' ki yeh saal acchhaa hai"
> Ahmed F'raaz
>
>aap neN bhii is rivaayat ko bohat acchhi tarkiib se nibhaaya hai*.
Aap ne bohat achchi misaaleiN di heiN. Agar Faraaz Saahab ki poori
ghazal aap ke paas ho tau usay zaroor post kijiye please.
>> 3- seene ko dil ke daagh se biryaaN kiye hue
>> ham hain ilaaj-e-gardish-e-doraaN kiye hue
>
>yeh tiisra matla meri samajh se thoRa bahir niikla. Khaas kar,
>lafz-e-biryaaN ka istemaal pehle misre meN thoRa ajiib hai. meri samajh meN
>to (according to Platts) 'biryaaN' ke ma'ani hote haiN 'kabhi kisii waqat
>par' yaa 'aik hii waqat par'. agar aap kucchh raushnii daaleN to mehrbaanii
>hogii.
JahaaN tak mera khayaal hai 'biryaaN' ka matlab hota hai 'jalaa hua'.
Lekin deegar ahl-e-ilm-o-zabaaN se bhi darkhwast hai ke woh apni raai
pesh kareiN.
>> 4- woh sogwaar aaye hain mere mazaar par
>> shaane pe gaisoo-oN ko pareshaaN kiye hue
>
>yeh 'shaane pe gaisoo-oN ke pariishaaN' hone meN bhii ghalib kaa rang hai,
>lekin aap ke 'sogwaar' manzar ka aqs ghalib ke 'yeh niiNd uskii hai, dimaagh
>uskaa hai......' ke aqs se kaafi judaa hai.
Mere khayaal hai ke shaairi meiN koi nayaal khayaal pesh karna mumkin
nahiN hai. Jo kuchchh bhi kahaa jaa sakta hai woh urdu shaairi meiN
kahaa jaa chuka hai. Haan yeh zaroor hai ke her khayaal eik naye
andaaz se bayaan kiyaa jaa sakta hai aur her nukte per eik naye andaaz
se roshni Daali jaa sakti hai.
>
>> 5- baiTha hooN chhaiR kar nayaa naghma maiN aaj phir
>> har taar-e-aarzoo ko pareshaaN kiye hua
>
>yeh she'r bohat pasand aaya. 'dil ke taaroN' ya 'aarzooN ke taaroN' kii
>tul'naa aik 'saaz ke taroN' se karne kii baat pe to abhi kucchh arsa pehle
>ALUP pe bhii kaafii tbaad'laa-e-Khyaalaat hooa thaa. aik 'typo'. aaKhirii
>tiin she'roN ke aaKhirii laf'z ko 'hue' hona chaahiie.
>
>> 6- marne ki aarzoo meiN jiiye jaa raha hooN maiN
>> naakaamiyoN ko zeest ka unwaaN kiye hua
>>
>'marne ki aarzoo men jiinaa' aik bohat puraanaa aur 'oft-travelled' unwaan
>hai urdu shayirii meN. Lekin jaise meN neN Ayesha Sahiba ko bhii likhaa thaa
>ki 'shayarii is to a large degree individualising the expression of
>recurring motifs.'
I agree with you absolutely.
>ham suKhan-feham haiN, ghalib ke tarafdaar nahiiN
>dekheN is sehere se keh de koii baRh kar sehra
>
>aap is she'r ko nazar meN rakkheN aur 'nazar' amrohii kaa yeh she'r suneN:
>
>shayar hai 'nazar' phir to suKhan-feham bhii hogaa
>lekin mujhe ghalib ka tarafdaar lage hai
Waah kiyaa khoob she'r hai. Nazar Amrohi ko kabhi paRhe ne ke ittefaaq
nahiN hua lekin agar unn ka kalaam aap yahaaN pesh kareiN tau bohat
achchha ho.
niazmand,
Shoaib
Shoaib Tanvir
<shuklas...@bellatlantic.net.invalid> wrote:
>1- dil ko jigar se dast-o-girebaaN* kiye hue
>baiTha hooN apne dard ka darmaaN* kiye hue
dast-o-girebaaN hona = laRna, haatha paai karna, maar peet karna.
>3- seene ko dil ke daagh se biryaaN* kiye hue
>ham hain ilaaj-e-gardish-e-doraaN* kiye hue
biryaaN kiye hue = jalaaye hue
>4- woh sogwaar* aaye hain mere mazaar par
>shaane* pe gaisoo-oN ko pareshaaN kiye hue
sogwaar = udaas, afsurdaa, ghamgeen
>Shoai ji,
>If you do not mind, please explain the meaning of the words
>marked with '*'. I (and may be a few others) have limited
>vocabulary in Urdu but would like to enjoy your peom.
>Sincerely
>thanks
>Abhijit
Abhijit Saahab,
I hope I have answered your question sufficiently, and correctly :-)
Please let me know if you have further questions.
Thank you for your interest in my poem.
Shoaib
Abhijit
thanks for responding but you did only half of the maherbaani I
requested for.
I would be thankful if you also explain
shaane
darmaaN
ilaaj-e-gardish-e-dauraaN
thanks.
BTW you are in a great company as Gulzar also was quite inspired
by the ghazal and wrote one of his best songs using a couplet
from it.
aye...@my-deja.com
baiTha hooN apne dard ka darmaaN kiye hue
2- dildaari-e-hayaat ka samaaN kiye hue
"muddat hui hai yaar ko mehmaaN kiye hue"
3- seene ko dil ke daagh se biryaaN kiye hue
ham hain ilaaj-e-gardish-e-doraaN kiye hue
4- woh sogwaar aaye hain mere mazaar par
shaane pe gaisoo-oN ko pareshaaN kiye hue
5- baiTha hooN chhaiR kar nayaa naghma maiN aaj phir
har taar-e-aarzoo ko pareshaaN kiye hua
6- marne ki aarzoo meiN jiiye jaa raha hooN maiN
naakaamiyoN ko zeest ka unwaaN kiye hua
7- kab tak kisi ki yaad ko dil meiN rakhooN Shoaib
maiN zindagi se maut ka paimaaN kiye hua
Shoiab bhai,
You seem to be a prolific shaayar. You also seem to have taken long
strides in the way of bahers... you probably were much better than you
gave yourself credit for to begin with. all sh'er here are very well
written. I perticularly like 3, 5, 6, 7.
'naakaamiyoN ko zeest ka unwaaN kiye hue' is a brilliant idea.
the only misra I would suggest rearranging for meter is
the first one in 5 :
baiTha hooN chhaiR kar nayaa naghma maiN aaj phir to
naghma nayaa phir aaj maiN baiTha hooN chhaiR kar
thanks for posting the ghazal.
regards
Ayesha.
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
Shoaib Tanvir
<shuklas...@bellatlantic.net.invalid> wrote:
>shoiab ji,
>thanks for responding but you did only half of the maherbaani I
>requested for.
>I would be thankful if you also explain
>shaane
>darmaaN
>ilaaj-e-gardish-e-dauraaN
>thanks.
Abhijit Saahab,
Please accept my apology for the oversight.
shaane = shoulder
darmaaN = ilaaj, treatment
ilaaj-e-gardish-e-dauraaN = cure for the life's misfortunes
Regards,
Shoaib
Shoaib Tanvir
>Shoiab bhai,
>You seem to be a prolific shaayar. You also seem to have taken long
>strides in the way of bahers... you probably were much better than you
>gave yourself credit for to begin with. all sh'er here are very well
>written. I perticularly like 3, 5, 6, 7.
Ayesha Saahiba,
Thank you very much. Any compliment from you is a big encouragement
for me.
>'naakaamiyoN ko zeest ka unwaaN kiye hue' is a brilliant idea.
Thank you. It also reflects the reality of my life :-)
>the only misra I would suggest rearranging for meter is
>the first one in 5 :
>baiTha hooN chhaiR kar nayaa naghma maiN aaj phir to
>naghma nayaa phir aaj maiN baiTha hooN chhaiR kar
>
>thanks for posting the ghazal.
>regards
>Ayesha.
Thanks for the advice. I appreciate your input very much. And thank
you and others to tolerate this half-poet :-)
Regards,
Shoaib