abhi Ghazal jawaan hai [2]
UVR
abhi Ghazal jawaan hai [2]
==========================
Deadline: August 31, 2002
Khawateen-o-hazraat:
pesh-e-Khidmat hai "abhi Ghazal jawaan hai" kii woh doosri qist,
jis kaa aap baRi be_sabri se, dabi saaNsoN se, intezaar kar rahe
the (NOT!).
"abhi Ghazal jawaan hai" kii pehli *innings* kii maqbooliyat se
se saaf zaahir ho gayaa hai k ALUP kii is mehfil-e-sh'er-o-suKhan
meN *traffic* kii bhale hi kami ho, *talent* kii to hargiz kami
nahiN hai. ye alag baat k is talent ko zaraa-sii "nuturing" kii
zaroorat hai; aur isii maqsad se Yogesh saahib ne 'abhi Ghazal
jawaan hai' kaa yeh silsilaa shur'u kiyaa hai. aap sab se meri
guzaarish hai k is qist meN poore josh-o-Kharosh se hissa leN,
taa ke yeh bhi pichhli qist hii kii tarah maqbool ho jaaye.
jo ashKhaas is qist meiN mushtarik hona (=participate) chaahte
hoN, woh ek baar "Rules of the Game" section zaroor dekh leN.
"Chief judge" (CJ) kii haisiyat se is qist meN shaamil ho rahe
haiN aap ke pasandeedah shaa'ir janaab-e-Irfan 'Abid' saahib.
ham unke shukrguzaar haiN k unhoN ne apni masroofiyat kii parwaah
kiye baGhair ALUP ke liye yeh zahmat uThaanaa qubool farmaayii.
qist ke "conductor" kaa kaam aap ke naacheez Khaadim UVR ke (ya'ni
mere!) naazuk-o-nau_mashq haathoN par hai. woh kyaa kahte haiN --
"bhool-chook leni-deni" :))
A. behr: Meter
-----------
is qist meN ham "behr-e-mujtas musamman maKhboon meHzoof maqtoo'"
par Ghazal kahne kii koshish kareNge. is behr meN asaatezaa
(=ustaadoN) ke kayii sh'er mash_hoor haiN, maslan:
- har ek baat pe kahte ho tum k "tuu kyaa hai"?
tumheeN kaho k yeh andaaz-e-guftguu kyaa hai? (Ghalib)
- woh aaye bazm meN itnaa to "Meer" ne dekhaa
phir us ke ba'ad chiraaGhoN meN raushnii na rahii (Meer)
(*see footnote)
- nasha pilaa ke giraanaa to sab ko aataa hai
mazaa to jab hai k girtoN ko thaam le saaqii (Iqbal)
- chhalak ke kam na ho aisii koii sharaab naheeN
nigaah-e-nargis-e-ra'ana tiraa jawaab naheeN (Firaq)
- isii chaman meN hamaaraa bhi ik zamaanaa thaa
yahiiN kahiiN koii saadaa saa aashiyaanaa thaa (Jigar)
- guloN meN rang bhare, baad-e-naubahaar chale
chale bhi aao k gulshan kaa kaar-o-baar chale (Faiz)
taqtee': is behr ke arkaan haiN:
-------
mu-faa-i-lun fa-i-laa-tun mu-faa-i-lun fe'-lun
ya'ani: 1 2 1 2 ... 1 1 2 2 ... 1 2 1 2 ... 2 2
"fe'-lun" (2-2) kii jagah "fa-i-lun" (1-1-2) istemaal karne kii
aazaadii hai.
(*Footnote: yeh sh'er Meer Taqi 'Meer' ke naam se maqbool hai,
magar kuchh log ise Meer kaa sh'er nahiiN maante)
B. zameen -- radeef aur qaafiya: Rhyming Pattern
---------------------------------------------
is daf'a Ghazal ka matla maiN naacheez Khud apni hi ek haqeer
'Ghazalnuma' kaavish se udhaar lene kii jur`at kar rahaa hooN.
(gustaaKhi mu'aaf!) 'arz hai:
milaa na chain qafas meN na aashiyaane meN
tamaam 'umr bhaTakte rahe zamaane meN
lihaaza is baar Ghazal kii zameen "aashiyaane meN-zamaane meN"
tae hui hai. shuraka-ul-mehfil (=mehfil meN shareek hone waaloN)
se guzaarish hai k isii behr-o-zameen meiN sh'er kahne kii koshish
kareN.
Irfan saahib: please evaluate and suggest improvements to the
above matla.
NOTE:
----
yeh zameen bahut "zar_Khez" [=fertile :)] hai, aur naami-giraami
sh'uraa kii kaii GhazaloN se hamaare matlab ke qaafiye dastyaab
ho sakte haiN. misaal ke taur par chand mash_hoor sh'er darj
haiN:
1. kisii ne phir na sunaa dard ke fasaane ko
mire na hone se raahat huii zamaane ko (Jigar)
2. kabhii kahaa na kisii se tire fasaane ko
na jaane kaise Khabar ho gayii zamaane ko (naa_ma'aloom)
3. Khuli jo aaNkh to woh thaa, na woh zamaana thaa
dahaktii aag thii, tanhaaii thii, fasaana thaa
(Farhat Shehzad)
dostaana nasihat (friendly advice): Khayaal rahe k "diiwaana,
mastaana, parwaana, maiKhaana, paimaana ..." jaise alfaaz is
Ghazal ke qaafiye NAHIN ho sakte.
C: 'khel' ke usool: Rules of the Game
----------------------------------
ash'aar bhejne kii aaKhiri taareeKh: August 31, 2002 (deadline).
is qist meN hissa lene waaloN par kuchh usooloN kii paabandii
hai. The basic rules for participating in this episode are:
1. Read and understand the 'behr' to be used for this episode.
2. Read and understand the 'zameen' (qaafiya and radeef) to be
followed.
3. Compose A SINGLE, ORIGINAL sh'er, in Urdu, conforming to the
behr, qaafiya and radeef. Please do NOT submit others' work
as your own, or you will have to be summarily disqualified.
4. POST the sh'er on this newsgroup before the deadline for
submission.
5. Follow the thread (at least) until your entry is accepted by
the "chief judge".
A more detailed listing of the rules is given at the end of this
article.
[Those who are new to ALUP are requested to read all the previous
posts related to the 'abhi Ghazal jawaan hai' series, in order to
familiarize themselves with the history of the series. One way of
accessing those posts is by searching for "Ghazal jawaan hai" via
the Google Groups' (http://groups.google.com) archives of the
newsgroup 'alt.language.urdu.poetry'.]
My best wishes to all participants of this episode. Good luck!
faqat
-UVR.
PS: 1. apnii "Ghazal numaa kaavish" ke baaqi sh'er maiN ALUP
par Aug. 31 ke ba'ad post karooNga. agar koii saahib-e-suKhan
is dauraan merii pur-nuqs koshish ko us se pehle paRhnaa
chaaheN to is URL par shauq se tashreef le jaayeN:
uvr.tripod.com/partav-e-Khur/qafas-6Aug2002.html
____________________________________________________________________
Detailed Rules of the Game (as stated by Yogesh Sethi saahib)
Title: 'abhi Ghazal jawaan hai' shall be the title of this series, to
which '[1]', '[2]', '[3]', etc. shall be appended for each episode.
Purpose: The purpose of this series is to provide a venue for the
aspiring poets who may find in it an outlet for their creative urges.
The central aim of the series is to educate new and aspiring poets in
the subtleties and nuances of Urdu poetry. This is NOT a competition,
or a test of poetic mettle or caliber.
Conductor: Each episode of this series shall be carried forward by a
conductor who will also request the help of an experienced poet to act
as chief judge. Each episode will be run by a different conductor and
a different judge to the extent possible.
Episode: The episode conductor will pick the 'bahr', 'qaafiya' and
'radiif'. Every attempt will be made by the conductor to choose an
easy to moderately difficult combination. He will also post the
guiding couplet, its syllabic distribution and the name of the meter.
Time Period: There will be one episode per month. Each episode will
remain current for a period of 3 weeks. The last week of the month
will be used by the conductor in putting together the finished ghazal
and preparing for the next episode thru a new conductor. If the
conductor determines that there are insufficient entries for an
episode he may recommend the termination of that episode. Posting of 3
or more entries by the participants, during the first two week period,
shall be deemed sufficient to continue with the episode. If there is
an overabundance of enteries for an episode, the conductor may declare
that episode closed for fresh entries. But will make an effort to
process the entries already received during the first two weeks of the
episode. However only a maximum of first 15 approved couplets will be
included in the finished ghazal.
Participants: Every one is eligible to post one couplet for each
episode. In addition he/she may comment and suggest alternate lines on
any posted couplet. However, experienced poets are requested to
refrain from suggesting alternate words or lines. Experienced poets
would be expected to contribute a suitable 'matlaa' or a
'matlaa-e-saanii'. But they may also write a 'sher', if they so
desire. If more than two 'matlaa(s)' are received, chief judge will
select the most suitable ones for inclusion in the ghazal. (btw, what
is the plural of a 'matlaa'? Anyone!)
Chief judge: Following a good critique and review, chief judge will
give a final approval to each acceptable couplet for inclusion in the
finished ghazal. In the event that no suitable 'matlaa' has been
received, the judge will be expected to fill the gap by writing one.
There will be no 'maqtaa'.
Finished ghazal: It will be the duty of the conductor to corral all
approved material and post it in the form of a finished ghazal.
Above is the final draft of the proposed guidelines for this series.
All are requested to look it over and feel free to make any additional
comments. Many thanks to those who made this possible by giving
excellent suggestions.
For the July episode, I am acting as the conductor and the duties of
the chief judge are being performed by our esteemed Raj Sb.
For the August episode, I request UVR Sb. to take charge as the
conductor and start preparing for it. I also request our esteemed
Sarwar Sb. to act as chief judge.
All interested are invited to volunteer their names to act as future
episode conductors. Any one may propose the name of a person who may
act as an episode chief judge; it must be seconded by at least one
episode conductor or by a chief judge.
UVR
abhi Ghazal jawaan hai [2]
==========================
Deadline: August 31, 2002
Friends:
Here is the second episode of the series.
The 'Chief Judge' this time is our beloved shaa'ir Irfan 'Abid'
saahib. I (UVR) will be the 'conductor'. The rules for this
episode are given below in the section titled "Rules of the Game".
A. behr aur zameen: Meter and rhyming pattern
------------------------------------------
We will use "behr-e-mujtas musamman maKhboon meHzoof maqtoo'"
in this episode. The following sh'er will be used as the
matla of the Ghazal, if it meets with Irfan 'Abid' saahib's
approval.
milaa na chain qafas meN na aashiyaane meN
tamaam 'umr bhaTakte rahe zamaane meN
This is from one of my own insignificant attempts. Please
attempt to conform to this meter and rhyming pattern in all
your submissions. Please feel free to suggest an alternative
to the matla.
B. Examples
--------
Several examples of famous ash'aar by the *Masters* and other
popular poets follow. Participants are requested to spend time
reading these ash'aar to get a feel for the rhythm as well as
to get hints for the qaafiya-s (rhyming words) to employ in
their own attempts.
- har ek baat pe kahte ho tum k "tuu kyaa hai"?
tumheeN kaho k yeh andaaz-e-guftguu kyaa hai? (Ghalib)
- woh aaye bazm meN itnaa to "Meer" ne dekhaa
phir us ke ba'ad chiraaGhoN meN raushnii na rahii (Meer)
(*see footnote)
- nasha pilaa ke giraanaa to sab ko aataa hai
mazaa to jab hai k girtoN ko thaam le saaqii (Iqbal)
- chhalak ke kam na ho aisii koii sharaab naheeN
nigaah-e-nargis-e-ra'ana tiraa jawaab naheeN (Firaq)
- isii chaman meN hamaaraa bhi ik zamaanaa thaa
yahiiN kahiiN koii saadaa saa aashiyaanaa thaa (Jigar)
- guloN meN rang bhare, baad-e-naubahaar chale
chale bhi aao k gulshan kaa kaar-o-baar chale (Faiz)
- kisii ne phir na suna dard ke fasaane ko
mire na hone se raahat huii zamaane ko (Jigar)
- kabhii kahaa na kisii se tire fasaane ko
na jaane kaise Khabar ho gayii zamaane ko
(Unknown [to me])
- Khuli jo aaNkh to woh thaa, na woh zamaana thaa
dahakti aag thii, tahnaaii thii, fasaana thaa
(Farhat Shehzad)
C. taqtee'
-------
This behr can be split into syllables as follows:
mu-faa-i-lun fa-i-laa-tun mu-faa-i-lun fe'-lun
ya'ani: 1 2 1 2 ... 1 1 2 2 ... 1 2 1 2 ... 2 2
Using "fe'-lun" (2-2) instead of "fa-i-lun" (1-1-2) *is allowed*
See some of the ash'aar above.
(*Footnote: This sh'er is popularly attributed to Meer, but
some doubt of its authenticity remains in literary circles)
Friendly advice: Don't try to use words like "diiwaana, mastaana
parwaana, maiKhaana, paimaana ..." in the Ghazal. These are NOT
the correct qaafiya-s for this Ghazal.
D: Rules of the Game
-----------------
The deadline for submissions of ash'aar is: August 31, 2002
The basic rules for participating in this episode are:
1. Read and understand the 'behr' to be used for this episode.
2. Read and understand the 'zameen' (qaafiya and radeef) to be
followed.
3. Compose A SINGLE, ORIGINAL sh'er, in Urdu, conforming to the
behr, qaafiya and radeef. Please do NOT submit others' work
as your own, or you will have to be summarily disqualified.
4. POST the sh'er on this newsgroup before the deadline for
submission.
5. Follow the thread (at least) until your entry is accepted by
the "chief judge".
[Those who are new to ALUP are requested to read all the previous
UVR
abhi Ghazal jawaan hai [2]
==========================
Deadline: August 31, 2002
Friends:
Here is the second episode of the series.
The 'Chief Judge' this time is our beloved shaa'ir Irfan 'Abid'
saahib. I (UVR) will be the 'conductor'. The rules for this
episode are given below in the section titled "Rules of the Game".
A. behr aur zameen: Meter and rhyming pattern
------------------------------------------
We will use "behr-e-mujtas musamman maKhboon meHzoof maqtoo'"
in this episode. The following sh'er will be used as the
matla of the Ghazal, if it meets with Irfan 'Abid' saahib's
approval.
milaa na chain qafas meN na aashiyaane meN
tamaam 'umr bhaTakte rahe zamaane meN
This is from one of my own insignificant attempts. Please
attempt to conform to this meter and rhyming pattern in all
your submissions. Please feel free to suggest an alternative
to the matla.
B. Examples
--------
Several examples of famous ash'aar by the *Masters* and other
popular poets follow. Participants are requested to spend time
reading these ash'aar to get a feel for the rhythm as well as
to get hints for the qaafiya-s (rhyming words) to employ in
their own attempts.
- har ek baat pe kahte ho tum k "tuu kyaa hai"?
tumheeN kaho k yeh andaaz-e-guftguu kyaa hai? (Ghalib)
- woh aaye bazm meN itnaa to "Meer" ne dekhaa
phir us ke ba'ad chiraaGhoN meN raushnii na rahii (Meer)
(*see footnote)
- nasha pilaa ke giraanaa to sab ko aataa hai
mazaa to jab hai k girtoN ko thaam le saaqii (Iqbal)
- chhalak ke kam na ho aisii koii sharaab naheeN
nigaah-e-nargis-e-ra'ana tiraa jawaab naheeN (Firaq)
- isii chaman meN hamaaraa bhi ik zamaanaa thaa
yahiiN kahiiN koii saadaa saa aashiyaanaa thaa (Jigar)
- guloN meN rang bhare, baad-e-naubahaar chale
chale bhi aao k gulshan kaa kaar-o-baar chale (Faiz)
- kisii ne phir na suna dard ke fasaane ko
mire na hone se raahat huii zamaane ko (Jigar)
- kabhii kahaa na kisii se tire fasaane ko
na jaane kaise Khabar ho gayii zamaane ko
(Unknown [to me])
- Khuli jo aaNkh to woh thaa, na woh zamaana thaa
dahakti aag thii, tahnaaii thii, fasaana thaa
(Farhat Shehzad)
C. taqtee'
-------
This behr can be split into syllables as follows:
mu-faa-i-lun fa-i-laa-tun mu-faa-i-lun fe'-lun
ya'ani: 1 2 1 2 ... 1 1 2 2 ... 1 2 1 2 ... 2 2
Using "fe'-lun" (2-2) instead of "fa-i-lun" (1-1-2) *is allowed*
See some of the ash'aar above.
(*Footnote: This sh'er is popularly attributed to Meer, but
some doubt of its authenticity remains in literary circles)
Friendly advice: Don't try to use words like "diiwaana, mastaana
parwaana, maiKhaana, paimaana ..." in the Ghazal. These are NOT
the correct qaafiya-s for this Ghazal.
D: Rules of the Game
-----------------
The deadline for submissions of ash'aar is: August 31, 2002
The basic rules for participating in this episode are:
1. Read and understand the 'behr' to be used for this episode.
2. Read and understand the 'zameen' (qaafiya and radeef) to be
followed.
3. Compose A SINGLE, ORIGINAL sh'er, in Urdu, conforming to the
behr, qaafiya and radeef. Please do NOT submit others' work
as your own, or you will have to be summarily disqualified.
4. POST the sh'er on this newsgroup before the deadline for
submission.
5. Follow the thread (at least) until your entry is accepted by
the "chief judge".
[Those who are new to ALUP are requested to read all the previous
Sarvjit Goraya
> Friendly advice: Don't try to use words like "diiwaana, mastaana
> parwaana, maiKhaana, paimaana ..." in the Ghazal. These are NOT
> the correct qaafiya-s for this Ghazal.
>
Ghazal ka rhyme hai '..aane me.n', Agar aap yeh nuqta bhi bata dete ki
'diiwaane me.n' etc. ham qafiyah kyo.n nahi hai.n to aur bhi inaayat
hoti.
Regards
Sarvjit Goraya
UVR
[Oh good! Someone actually read my post through to the end! WOW! :))]
Sarvjit saahib,
agar aap ne is nukte(!) par sawaal kisii aur zimn meN kiya hota, to
mumkin hai meraa jawaab digar hotaa. filhaal, is *khel* ke usooloN
kaa paaband hooN, isliye "correct answer" kii taraf sirf ishaara hi
kar saktaa hooN.
muKhtasar jawaab yeh hai k yahaaN rhyme aur rhythm donoN par nazar
rakhna zaroori hai. mazkoorah lafz yahaaN "rhyme" to kar jaayeNge,
lekin is "rhythm" (ya'ani *behr*), ba-taur qaafiya, "fit" nahiN
hoNge.
yaqeen na aaye to in qaafiyoN ko ash'aar meN barat ke dekh leN!(*)
"haath kangan ko aarsee kyaa?" :))
faqat
-UVR.
(*) I don't mean to be flippant here. It is possible to perform
a few experiments to see why these words won't fit: for instance,
one can try replacing one of the qaafiya-s in the matla I proposed
with one of the words in the list. E.g., try replacing 'aashiyaana'
or 'zamaana' with 'parwaana'. What happens? [Hint: only look at
the meter, not the meaning, of the resultant line.]
NB: nuqta = a dot, geometric point (a.k.a bindu/bindii)
nukta = point (of discussion)
Raj Kumar
> .
> abhi Ghazal jawaan hai [2]
> ==========================
> Deadline: August 31, 2002
>
>
> Khawateen-o-hazraat:
>
> pesh-e-Khidmat hai "abhi Ghazal jawaan hai" kii woh doosri qist,
> jis kaa aap baRi be_sabri se, dabi saaNsoN se, intezaar kar rahe
> the (NOT!).
Ravindra Saahib:
is silsile ki "doosri kaRii" ka jitna intezaar mujh Ghareeb ko tha,
utna shaa'id hi kisi aur ko hoga? voh is liye k --- at least now I can
sit back, relax and watch the show from a cushioned seat in the
balcony! :-))
Even so, something prompted me to write in this thread and that is
about the extreme "richness" of the qaafiya you have chosen. In fact,
the examples you have thrown here and there in your letter comprise
only a "subset" of the full set of all possible qavaafii for this
Ghazal!
[For those who may not know this word, qavaafii is the plural of
qaafiya].
ab, agar maiN jaan ki amaan paaooN to, arz karooN k qaafiyoN ki jitni
bhi misaaleN aap ne di haiN --- un alfaaz ki jo k is Ghazal ke qaafiye
ban sakte haiN (aashiyaane, zamaane, fasaane) ya phir un alfaaz ki jo
k is Ghazal ke qaafiye naheeN ban sakte (deevaane, mastaane, parvaane,
maiKhaane, paimaane)
--- sabhi ke sabhi 'nouns' haiN! Did you realize that? Obviously, not!
:-))
albatta, maze ki baat to yeh hai, Ravindra Saahib, k is Ghazal meiN
be-shumaar 'verbs' bhi ba-taur-e-qavaafi barte ja sakte haiN --- and
that is the point I wanted to convey here, in the hope that it will
benefit our "nau-mashq" sho'raa in their sublime effort at composing
their entries!
maslan, is Ghazal meiN, aap yeh bhi keh sakte haiN:
aane meiN, jaane meiN, paane meiN, khaane meiN, ---
pilaane meiN, lubhaane meiN, dilaane meiN, uThaane meiN, biThane meiN,
sataane meiN, banaane meiN, miTaane meiN, rulaane meiN, manaane meiN
---
muskuraane meiN, saTpaTaane meiN, tilmilaane meiN, buRbuRaane meiN ---
ad infinitum!
aur jo 'verbs' is baihr meiN naheeN samaa sakte, un ki misaaleN yeh
haiN ---
baihlaane meiN, baihkaane meiN, uksaane meiN, muskaane meiN ---.
Well, that is all I wanted to say as an "added friendly advice"!
:-))
Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar
Irfan 'Abid'
> [Short post in English (for those who dislike reading "Roman-Urdu")]
>
>
> abhi Ghazal jawaan hai [2]
> ==========================
> Deadline: August 31, 2002
>
> Friends:
>
> Here is the second episode of the series.
>
> The 'Chief Judge' this time is our beloved shaa'ir Irfan 'Abid'
> saahib. I (UVR) will be the 'conductor'. The rules for this
> episode are given below in the section titled "Rules of the Game".
>
>
> A. behr aur zameen: Meter and rhyming pattern
> ------------------------------------------
> We will use "behr-e-mujtas musamman maKhboon meHzoof maqtoo'"
> in this episode. The following sh'er will be used as the
> matla of the Ghazal, if it meets with Irfan 'Abid' saahib's
> approval.
>
>
> My best wishes to all participants of this episode. Good luck!
>
> faqat
> -UVR.
aadaab dosto!
mere liye ye Khudaa ke shukr kaa muqaam hai ki maiN naachiiz aap ke
kisii kaam aa rahaa huuN. UVR Sb shukriye ke mustahiq haiN jinhoN ne
mujhe ye mauqaa faraaham kiyaa hai. maiN apnii mahduud salaahiyaat ke
sahaare is zimmedaarii ko nibhaane kii koshish karuuNgaa. ye baar maiN
ne sirf is liye uThaa liyaa hai ki avval to ye mere shauq se ta.alluq
rakhtaa hai, doem mujhe yaqiin hai ki mujh se kahiiN koii kotaahii
huii to hamaare sarparast us kii durustii farmaa deNge.
is mashGhale meN shumuuliyat ke usuul pahle hii Khaasii tafsiil se
bayaan kiye jaa chuke haiN aur un meN izaafaa kar ke maiN is
be.takalluf maahaul meN had se ziyaadah sanjiidagii nahiiN paidaa
karnaa chaahtaa. taaham chand baateN arz karnaa chaahuuNgaa, taaki aap
ko mere zaatii tareeqa.e.kaar (modus operandi) kaa ba.Khuubii andaazah
ho jaaye.
1. maiN Khayaalaat par kisii qism kii paabandii nahiiN aayad karnaa
chaahtaa. aap chaaheN to puurii tarah Ghair.rivaayatii
(unconventional) taKhayyul par aamaadah ho sakte haiN. You may come up
with any idea as long as you can sell it! sirf itnaa Khayaal rakkheN
ki aap kaa Khayaal sirf aap kii samajh tak mahduud na rah jaaye. In
other words, you should be able to clearly put across what you think.
2. bahr kii KhaamiyoN ke ilaavah maiN koshish karuuNgaa ki aap ko
zabaan aur alfaaz ke istemaal kii kamiyoN se bhii bahraavar kartaa
chaluuN. Again, I will let you use your own words as long as they meet
the minimum acceptable level of poetic construction. badal aap se
umuuman usii suurat meN talab kiye jaayeNge jab un kii saKht zaruurat
mahsuus ho.
3. jahaaN tabdiiliyaaN darkaar hoNgii, vahaaN maiN R K Sb kii
qaaim.kardah (established) us rivaayat par amal karnaa chahuuNgaa jis
meN aap ko ishaare diye jaayeN, misroN aur fiqroN (phrases) ke
mukammal badal nahiiN. is tareeqe se aap kii mashq ke bahtar nataaij
nikalne kaa imkaan hai. Only in the case of minor and very subtle
changes, I may suggest them myself, since it may be difficult to point
them out otherwise.
merii jaanib se :abhii Ghazal javaan hai: kii is duusrii qist meN
shaamil hone vaale sab shoraa (aur shaairaat?) ko mubaarakbaad aur nek
tamannaayeN pesh haiN. ummeed hai ye qist aap ke saath Khud mere ilm
kii taraqqii kaa baais hogii.
niyaazmand,
Irfan :Abid:
Irfan 'Abid'
>
>
> abhi Ghazal jawaan hai [2]
> ==========================
> Deadline: August 31, 2002
>
> Friends:
>
> Here is the second episode of the series.
>
> The 'Chief Judge' this time is our beloved shaa'ir Irfan 'Abid'
> saahib. I (UVR) will be the 'conductor'. The rules for this
> episode are given below in the section titled "Rules of the Game".
>
>
> A. behr aur zameen: Meter and rhyming pattern
> ------------------------------------------
> We will use "behr-e-mujtas musamman maKhboon meHzoof maqtoo'"
> in this episode. The following sh'er will be used as the
> matla of the Ghazal, if it meets with Irfan 'Abid' saahib's
> approval.
>
>
> milaa na chain qafas meN na aashiyaane meN
> tamaam 'umr bhaTakte rahe zamaane meN
>
>
> This is from one of my own insignificant attempts. Please
> attempt to conform to this meter and rhyming pattern in all
> your submissions. Please feel free to suggest an alternative
> to the matla.
>
>
> My best wishes to all participants of this episode. Good luck!
>
> faqat
> -UVR.
UVR Sb, aadaab!
:abhii Ghazal javaan hai: kii qist #2 kii shuruaat par aap ko is kii
shandaar kaamyaabii ke liye apnii nek Khvaahishaat pesh kartaa huuN!
lage haath mujh naachiiz ko munsifii se sarfaraaz farmaane ke liye
meraa dilii shukriya bhii qubuul kiijiye!
aap kaa matlaa dekhaa. bhaaii, aap ne to shuruaat hii aisii kii hai ki
Ghazal ke aalaa maeyaar kaa yaqiin ho chalaa hai. sher bahut umdah
hai! mubaarakbaad! maiN pahlii nigaah meN ise yuun hii :pass: kar
chukaa thaa ki ek baareek nuktaa nazar aayaa. sochaa aap ko bataataa
chaluuN. pahle misre meN maamuulii :taaqeed-e-lafzii: nazar aatii hai.
:taaqeed:, jaisaa ki aap jaante hii hoNge, alfaaz ke apne aam muqaam
se (yaanii vo muqaam jo nasr yaa prose meN huaa kartaa hai) idhar
udhar ho jaane ko kahte haiN. aisaa karnaa ba.zaat.e.Khud Ghalat
nahiiN. balki shaairii meN to aisaa aksar hotaa hai. lekin is :heraa
pherii: se agar paRhne meN ravaanii kii kamii vaaqe ho jaaye, to aisii
taaqeed ko duur kar lenaa chaahiye.
pahle misre ko kuch aise tarteeb diijiye ki :chain milaa: kaa tukRaa
alag ho (aur is ke andar lafz-e-:na: na aaye) aur :qafas meN, na
aashiyaane meN: kaa tukRaa alag, aur phir sher kii ravaanii par Ghaur
kiijiye. Shouldn’t be difficult for a person of your caliber!
niyaazmand,
Irfan :Abid:
Sarvjit Goraya
UVR sahab,
Thanks for nukta.
Many syllable-splitters will condemn the following misra, but may be
(just may be) some of the other people who 'feel' the wazan/bahr call
the following 'passable':
Abhi parwaaz hai baaki tere parwaane me.n
Regards
Sarvjit
Raj Kumar
> abhi Ghazal jawaan hai [2]
> ==========================
> Deadline: August 31, 2002
>
> na jaane kaise Khabar ho gayii zamaane ko (naa_ma'aloom)
yeh laa-javaab she'r maiN ne 1960 ke aas paas Dilli ki aek mehfil meiN
sunaa tha. ise gaane vaale hazrat aek qavvaal the ---
ba-naam-e-Habiib Painter --- aur, ba-qaul-e-aaN-janaab, yeh she'r
Qamar Saahib ka hai!
ab mushkil yeh hai k is taKhallus ke kayee shaa'ir huye haiN (aur
kuchh to abhi bhi ba-qaid-e-hayaat haiN), is liye maiN yaqeen se
naheeN keh sakta k yeh Qamar Saahib kaun se the!
ba-har-haal, shaa'ir ka taKhallus Qamar hai aur is Ghazal ka maqta
hai:
Qamar, zaraa bhi naheeN tum ko Khauf-e-rusvaaii?
chale ho "chaaNdani shab" meiN unheiN bulaane ko???
Pretty good, isn't it?
Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar
UVR
> UVR <u...@usa.not> wrote in message news:<3D56958F...@usa.not>...
>
> > if it meets with Irfan 'Abid' saahib's approval.
> >
> > milaa na chain qafas meN na aashiyaane meN
> > tamaam 'umr bhaTakte rahe zamaane meN
>
> :taaqeed:, jaisaa ki aap jaante hii hoNge, alfaaz ke apne aam muqaam
> se (yaanii vo muqaam jo nasr yaa prose meN huaa kartaa hai) idhar
> udhar ho jaane ko kahte haiN. aisaa karnaa ba.zaat.e.Khud Ghalat
> nahiiN. balki shaairii meN to aisaa aksar hotaa hai. lekin is :heraa
> pherii: se agar paRhne meN ravaanii kii kamii vaaqe ho jaaye, to aisii
> taaqeed ko duur kar lenaa chaahiye.
>
> pahle misre ko kuch aise tarteeb diijiye ki :chain milaa: kaa tukRaa
> alag ho (aur is ke andar lafz-e-:na: na aaye) aur :qafas meN, na
> aashiyaane meN: kaa tukRaa alag, aur phir sher kii ravaanii par Ghaur
> kiijiye. Shouldn’t be difficult for a person of your caliber!
Irfan saahib!
yaqeen maaniye k aap ke sawaal se peshtar mere paas us ka jawaab
maujood thaa:
qafas meN chain milaa hai na aashiyaane meN
tamaam 'umr bhaTakte rahe zamaane meN
dar_asl maiN ALUP ko *YAHI* sh'er denaa chaahtaa thaa. But then
I thought, kyoN na is sh'er ko kuchh is tarah badal diya jaaye k
is baareek nukte (=subtle point) par "sar-e-aam" baat ho sake?
aur dekh lijiye bilkul wahii huaa jis ki mujhe ummeed thi!
ab bas aap mujh par "entrapment" kaa muqaddama mat daayar kar
deejiyega! :)) LOL ... ROTFL
waise yeh kahnaa chaahooNga k aap ne "hint" to aisaa diyaa hai
k jaise "answer" hii likh rakha ho. agar mujh meN kuchh caliber
na bhi hotaa, to bhii is sh'er ke correct version tak pahuNchne
meN koii diqqat na hoti!
faqat
-UVR.
UVR
> u...@usa.net (UVR) wrote :
> >
> > 2. kabhii kahaa na kisii se tire fasaane ko
> > na jaane kaise Khabar ho gayii zamaane ko (naa_ma'aloom)
>
> yeh laa-javaab she'r maiN ne 1960 ke aas paas Dilli ki aek mehfil meiN
> sunaa tha. ise gaane vaale hazrat aek qavvaal the ---
> ba-naam-e-Habiib Painter --- aur, ba-qaul-e-aaN-janaab, yeh she'r
> Qamar Saahib ka hai!
>
> ab mushkil yeh hai k is taKhallus ke kayee shaa'ir huye haiN (aur
> kuchh to abhi bhi ba-qaid-e-hayaat haiN), is liye maiN yaqeen se
> naheeN keh sakta k yeh Qamar Saahib kaun se the!
maiN kah saktaa hooN: Qamar Jalaalvi! :))
ittefaaq dekhiye k isii Ghazal ke chaar sh'er kisii nek-dil
suKhan-faihm shaKhs ne us "doosre" newsgroup par kal hii shaam
post kiye the (albatta Noorjahan saahiba ki aawaaz ke "hawaale"
se). That's where I got this info. from. The internet is a
wonderful thing! :)
> ba-har-haal, shaa'ir ka taKhallus Qamar hai aur is Ghazal ka maqta
> hai:
>
> Qamar, zaraa bhi naheeN tum ko Khauf-e-rusvaaii?
> chale ho "chaaNdani shab" meiN unheiN bulaane ko???
>
> Pretty good, isn't it?
VERY nice! mujhe yeh darj-e-zail sh'er bhi pasand aayaa:
ab aage is meN tumhaaraa bhi naam aaye_gaa
jo hukm ho to yahiiN chhoR dooN fasaane ko?!
kis balaa kii *maasoomiyat* se shaa'ir ne apne mahboob se yeh
sawaal kiyaa hai! waah!
mahboob ke "naam" aur "fasaane" kii baat chalii hai, to ek sh'er
aur zehn meiN aa rahaa hai:
bas ik jhijhak hai yahii haal-e-dil sunaane meN
k tera naam bhi aayega is fasaane meN
jahaaN tak mujhe yaad hai, sh'er Kaifi Azmi saahib ka hai(*)
hai na Khoobsoorat? aur hai bhi apne maqsood kii behr aur
zameen meN!
faqat
-UVR.
(*) I could be wrong about the shaa'ir. It's a miracle I can
even recall the sh'er! I *think* I heard it on the radio,
many years ago, back in my Delhi days, but I'm not sure at all.
UVR
>
> UVR sahab,
> Thanks for nukta.
> Many syllable-splitters will condemn the following misra, but may be
> (just may be) some of the other people who 'feel' the wazan/bahr call
> the following 'passable':
> Abhi parwaaz hai baaki tere parwaane me.n
> Regards
> Sarvjit
Sarvjit saahib,
Your misr'a is absolutely brilliant! Anyone who opines otherwise
needs a lesson on poetry appreciation!
abhi parwaaz hai baaqi tire parwaane meN
waah! You simply *MUST* share with ALUP the complete sh'er (and
the Ghazal) of which this misr'a is a part.
HOWEVER ... (and this is a BIG however) ... your misr'a seems to
conform to the behr of Ghalib's
hu_ii taaKheer to kuchh baais-e-taaKheer bhi hai
aah ko chaahiye ik 'umr asar hone tak
[funny: that sounds like a sh'er in and of itself! :)]
whereas the Ghazal we are attempting to write here must be in the
behr of Ghalib's
ye ham jo hijr meN diiwaar-o-dar ko dekhte haiN
har ek baat pe kahte ho tum k "tuu kyaa hai?"
[remember the famous sh'er:
woh aayeN ghar meN hamaare Khudaa kii qudrat hai
kabhii ham unko kabhii apne ghar ko dekhte haiN?]
I am sure you can easily feel the not-so-subtle difference between
the behr/meter/rhythm of the first and second pair of misra-s.
I am eager to see your submission for the current episode: if your
misr'a above and your entry for the first episode are any indica-
tion, we are looking forward to a truly brilliant couplet.
Cheers,
-UVR.
UVR
> about the extreme "richness" of the qaafiya you have chosen. In fact,
> the examples you have thrown here and there in your letter comprise
> only a "subset" of the full set of all possible qavaafii for this
> Ghazal!
> [For those who may not know this word, qavaafii is the plural of
> qaafiya].
>
> ab, agar maiN jaan ki amaan paaooN to, arz karooN k qaafiyoN ki jitni
> bhi misaaleN aap ne di haiN --- un alfaaz ki jo k is Ghazal ke qaafiye
> ban sakte haiN (aashiyaane, zamaane, fasaane) ya phir un alfaaz ki jo
> k is Ghazal ke qaafiye naheeN ban sakte (deevaane, mastaane, parvaane,
> maiKhaane, paimaane)
> --- sabhi ke sabhi 'nouns' haiN! Did you realize that? Obviously, not!
> :-))
Raj Kumar saahib,
m'aaf keejiye, maiN aap kii "Obviously not" waalii conclusion se
ittefaaq nahiiN kar saktaa :( haaN, agar aap ne "not" na lagaaya
hota, to kuchh aur baat hoti!
aap ne NOTe kiyaa hogaa k is qaafiye ke jitne sh'er maiN ne apni
post ke liye muntaKhib kiye the, woh sab ke sab kisi na kisi
jaani-pehchaani Ghazal kaa matla the AUR sab ke sab *usee* behr
meN the jin se filhaal hamaaraa vaastaa hai (the "behr" was my
main reason for selecting them). I did not want to confuse the
target audience by quoting ash'aar that were in another behr!
NOW for an interesting observation: ta'ajjub kii baat yeh hai,
k is qaafiye kii extreme richness ke baawajood, jitne bhi matle
mujhe mile, un sab meN NA SIRF faqat "nouns" kii, balke *unheeN*
3-4 nouns kii takraar kyooN hai?! -- jise dekho zamaana, fasaana,
aashiyaana, waGhairah ki raT lagaaye hue hai! I don't know about
you, but I personally find this very intriguing!
However, since morning, I have come across a sh'er by Faiz which
uses an interesting word:
yeh kis Khalish ne phir is dil meN aashiyaana kiyaa?
phir aaj kis ne suKhan ham se Ghaaibaana kiyaa?
My reason for not providing a list of "can use" qawaafi was that
doing so might "spoil the fun" of hunting for qaafiya-s ... [this
is not to say, of course, that I would have been able to provide
as extensive a list as you have, even if I had set out to do so].
After reading your post, I'm not so sure about the "spoiling" part!
I think some of the words you have suggested would make the exer-
cise quite challenging and exciting.
I strongly urge everyone to use the list provided by you, RK sb.,
to help in the selection of qawaafi. I might myself do this in
order to further extend that "Ghazalnuma kaavish" which I had
alluded to in my original post.
faqat,
UVR.
Raj Kumar
> > u...@usa.net (UVR) wrote :
> > >
> > > 2. kabhii kahaa na kisii se tire fasaane ko
> > > na jaane kaise Khabar ho gayii zamaane ko (naa_ma'aloom)
> >
> > yeh laa-javaab she'r maiN ne 1960 ke aas paas Dilli ki aek mehfil meiN
> > sunaa tha. ise gaane vaale hazrat aek qavvaal the ---
> > ba-naam-e-Habiib Painter --- aur, ba-qaul-e-aaN-janaab, yeh she'r
> > Qamar Saahib ka hai!
> >
> > ab mushkil yeh hai k is taKhallus ke kayee shaa'ir huye haiN (aur
> > kuchh to abhi bhi ba-qaid-e-hayaat haiN), is liye maiN yaqeen se
> > naheeN keh sakta k yeh Qamar Saahib kaun se the!
>
> maiN kah saktaa hooN: Qamar Jalaalvi! :))
Well, well, well --- if THAT is your answer, Ravindra Saahib, then the
correct answer is: Qamar Jalaalaabaadi, not Qamar Jalaalvi! :-))
maiN in saahib ke kalaam se ba-Khoobi vaaqif hooN aur inheN mukammal
eihteraam ki nigaah se dekhta hooN. in saahib ki mash_hoori is baa'is
bhi hui k inhoN ne Iqbaal ke mash_hoor-e-aalam "shikve" ke radd-e-amal
meiN aek muKhtalif aahaNg ka shikva likkha tha --- jo k aek kitaabche
ki shakl meiN shaa'ea bhi hua tha. hamaare ghar meiN, us kitaabche ki
aek jild maujood hua karti thi magar ab to, Bhagvaan ki dayaa se,
Ghaa'ib ho chuki hai. phir bhi, maiN kisi din apne "haafize ki jheel"
meiN Ghota-zani kar ke aap ko is dilchasp taKhleeq ke kuchh hissoN se
aagaah karooN ga --- fil-haal, taufeeq naheeN hai! :-))
>
> ittefaaq dekhiye k isii Ghazal ke chaar sh'er kisii nek-dil
> suKhan-faihm shaKhs ne us "doosre" newsgroup par kal hii shaam
> post kiye the (albatta Noorjahan saahiba ki aawaaz ke "hawaale"
> se). That's where I got this info. from. The internet is a
> wonderful thing! :)
Ravindra Saahib, kyaa hi achchha hota agar aap un sabhi she'roN se ham
GhareeboN ko bhi aagaah kar dete --- taake hamaare liye us "bhooli
bisri" shaam ki yaad phir se taaza ho jaati jab k ham ne yeh Ghazal
janaab-e-Habiib Painter Saahib ke muNh se suni thi! :-((
>
> > ba-har-haal, shaa'ir ka taKhallus Qamar hai aur is Ghazal ka maqta
> > hai:
> >
> > Qamar, zaraa bhi naheeN tum ko Khauf-e-rusvaaii?
> > chale ho "chaaNdani shab" meiN unheiN bulaane ko???
> >
> > Pretty good, isn't it?
>
> VERY nice! mujhe yeh darj-e-zail sh'er bhi pasand aayaa:
>
> ab aage is meN tumhaaraa bhi naam aaye_gaa
> jo hukm ho to yahiiN chhoR dooN fasaane ko?!
>
> kis balaa kii *maasoomiyat* se shaa'ir ne apne mahboob se yeh
> sawaal kiyaa hai! waah!
yeh she'r to niraa "jaan-levaa" hai! Unfortunately, I don't remember
having heard this one at that concert --- in any case, it is
stuuuupendous!!!
vaise, agar yihi she'r maiN ne kahaa hota to yooN kehta:
ab aage is meN tumhaaraa bhi naam AATAA HAI!
AGAR KAHO to yaheeN chhoR dooN fasaane ko!!!
>
> mahboob ke "naam" aur "fasaane" kii baat chalii hai, to ek sh'er
> aur zehn meiN aa rahaa hai:
>
> bas ik jhijhak hai yahii haal-e-dil sunaane meN
> k tera naam bhi aaye ga is fasaane meN
>
yeh she'r bhi bahut achchha hai --- shaa'ir chaahe koi bhi ho,
kam-az-kam qaafiye meiN aek 'verb' to aaya! :-))
albatta, aek baat suniye, Ravindra Saahib, --- voh yeh k jahaaN tak
hamaari daastaan meiN us kaafira ke naam ke aane ka ta'alluq hai, to
aek she'r apne marGhoob shaa'ir janaab-e-Qais ka bhi sun leejiye!
eeN-hazrat, apni sar-guzasht, entitled "deevaan-e-Qais", meiN
raqam-taraaz haiN k
chhiRte hi Ghazal uRne lagaa raNg kisi ka
haalaaN-k kaheeN par bhi koi naam naheeN hai!
What do you think of that? aur sirf yihi nahheeN, balke aek aur maqaam
par farmaate haiN k
mujhe zameeN se falak tak rahii talaash us ki
voh DhooNDta rahaa meri Ghazal meiN naam apnaa!!!
to yeh haal hai in "mehboobaaoN" ka, Ravindra Saahib! is liye, meri
diyaanat-daaraana raaye meiN, agar aap samajhdaari kareN to is
"dahan-e-sher" se bach kar hi raheN! LOL
Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar
P.S. dekhiye, abhi to aap ki is qist meiN koi 'entry' bhi naheeN
aa'ii, phir bhi (aap ke husn-e-taKhaatub aur aap ke tarz-e-taKhayyul
ki ba-baulat) yeh laRi abhi se "guNdhi" jaa rahi hai! :-))
Isn't that something?
R.K.
Sarwar Alam Raz
> abhi Ghazal jawaan hai [2]
> ==========================
> Deadline: August 31, 2002
>
>
> Khawateen-o-hazraat:
>
> pesh-e-Khidmat hai "abhi Ghazal jawaan hai" kii woh doosri qist,
> jis kaa aap baRi be_sabri se, dabi saaNsoN se, intezaar kar rahe
> the (NOT!).
Ravindra saaheb: namaste!
maiN iss dilchasp silsile ko dekhnee kee koshish apnee :sabbatical:
meiN bhee kartaa rehtaa hooN. maasha.Allah aap logoN kee yeh koshish
nihaayat hee kaamyaabee se aage baRh rahee hai aur iss ke favaa'id
abhee se zaahir hone lage haiN. mubaarakbaad!
aik arz hai k nau.mashq sho'raa ko Khud hee dekhne deN k kon saa
qaafiya baaNdhaa jaa saktaa hai aur kon saa naheeN. aaKhir ta'leem kaa
yeh pehloo un ko kyoN na Khud apnee meHnat se seekhne kaa moqa' diyaa
jaaye? yooN aap log behtar samajhte haiN.
jald hee aap kee Khidmat meiN phir Haazir hooN gaa.
Sarwar Raz :Sarwar:
jugnoo
> abhi Ghazal jawaan hai [2]
> ==========================
> Deadline: August 31, 2002
> tamaam 'umr bhaTakte rahe zamaane meN
>
dosto: tasliimaat!
aik muddat ke bad Haazir-e-Khidmat ho rahaa huuN. :huii taaKhiir to
kuChh baa'is-e-taaKhiir bhii thaa:! bazm ke naye silsile :abhii Ghazal
javaan hai: ko dekh kar bohat Khushii huii. maiN bhii koshish karuuN
gaa k shirkat kartaa rahuuN. iss laRii ke liye aik matla aur aik sher
pesh kar rahaa huuN. kyaa ajab k Irfan saaheb kee nazar-e-inaayat in
per paR jaaye!
ulajh ke reh gaye hastii ke taane-baane meiN
tamaam ho gayii ik umr iss fasaane meiN!
mujhe hazaar tamannaa, tire qariib aauuN
tujhe yeh aik takalluf nazar milaane meiN!
Khaak-saar
:jugnoo:
Yogesh Sethi
>
> abhi Ghazal jawaan hai [2]
> ==========================
> Deadline: August 31, 2002
>
>
> Khawateen-o-hazraat:
>
> pesh-e-Khidmat hai "abhi Ghazal jawaan hai" kii woh doosri qist
> mu-faa-i-lun fa-i-laa-tun mu-faa-i-lun fe'-lun
> tamaam 'umr bhaTakte rahe zamaane meN
UVR Sahib, to say that you are carrying forward the task of the
'conductor' with aplomb would be an understatement! My congratulations
and thanks.
Here is my entry :
ye kaun si khata kii mil rahii sazaa mujh ko,
qazaa bhi ho rahi shaamil mere sataane me.n
Irfan Sahib, thank you for undertaking the demanding duty of a judge.
We are privileged by your participation and I look forward to your
comments. Thank you
Regards,
Yogesh
UVR
chooN k yeh baat ab Qamar saahib kii "identity" par aakar ruki hai,
mujhe lagaa k is ke liye alag laRi hi shuru' kar li jaaye to behtar
hoga. ummeed hai aap ko mere aisa karne se koi aiteraaz na hoga.
> > > > UVR:
> > > > 2. kabhii kahaa na kisii se tire fasaane ko
> > > > na jaane kaise Khabar ho gayii zamaane ko (naa_ma'aloom)
> > >
> > > Raj Kumar:
> > > yeh laa-javaab she'r maiN ne 1960 ke aas paas Dilli ki aek mehfil meiN
> > > sunaa tha. ise gaane vaale hazrat aek qavvaal the ---
> > > ba-naam-e-Habiib Painter --- aur, ba-qaul-e-aaN-janaab, yeh she'r
> > > Qamar Saahib ka hai!
> > >
> > > ab mushkil yeh hai k is taKhallus ke kayee shaa'ir huye haiN (aur
> > > kuchh to abhi bhi ba-qaid-e-hayaat haiN), is liye maiN yaqeen se
> > > naheeN keh sakta k yeh Qamar Saahib kaun se the!
> >
> > UVR:
> > maiN kah saktaa hooN: Qamar Jalaalvi! :))
>
> Raj Kumar <rajkum...@hotmail.com> wrote:
>
> Well, well, well --- if THAT is your answer, Ravindra Saahib, then the
> correct answer is: Qamar Jalaalaabaadi, not Qamar Jalaalvi! :-))
aap ke "haafize ki jheel" kii gahraayi se maiN Khoob waaqif hooN,
is liye aap ke is daawe ka taraddud karne ki himmat mujh meN nahiN
hai. magar phir bhi, itnaa to kahooNga k jin saahib ne yeh Ghazal
*wahaaN* raqm ki thi, un kii zabaan par bhi mujhe kam aitebaar nahiN
hai.
isii Ghazal ke muta'alliq ek *AUR* dilchasp baat dekhiye (aur yeh
baat ba-taur sanad nahiN, balke mahz "observation" ke taur par kar
rahaa hooN) -- k kal Nita-ji ki site par gaya to ise Qamar Jalalwi
ki GhazaloN ki 'list' meN darj paaya. magar jyooN hi Ghazal-waala
safha kholaa, to kyaa dekhtaa hooN, k Qamar Jalaalwi ka naam Qamar
Jalaalaabadi ke naam meiN tabdeel ho gaya!!! See these two URLs:
- http://www.urdupoetry.com/jalalwi.html
- http://www.urdupoetry.com/jalalwi04.html
> [*snip*]
> > ittefaaq dekhiye k isii Ghazal ke chaar sh'er kisii nek-dil
> > suKhan-faihm shaKhs ne us "doosre" newsgroup par kal hii shaam
> > post kiye the (albatta Noorjahan saahiba ki aawaaz ke "hawaale"
> > se). That's where I got this info. from. The internet is a
> > wonderful thing! :)
>
> Ravindra Saahib, kyaa hi achchha hota agar aap un sabhi she'roN se ham
> GhareeboN ko bhi aagaah kar dete --- taake hamaare liye us "bhooli
> bisri" shaam ki yaad phir se taaza ho jaati jab k ham ne yeh Ghazal
> janaab-e-Habiib Painter Saahib ke muNh se suni thi! :-((
jo aagyaa mahraaj! lekin aise kaam 'muft' meN nahiN hote: *paise
lageNge*, uncle! maiN Nita saahiba ki site se lekar yeh ash'aar post
kar rahaa hooN aur aap ko apne maKhsoos andaaz meN in par tafseel se
Teeka-TippaNi (= tabsara) karna hogiiiiiii ... ROTFL (providing as
many examples from diiwaan-e-Qais, as possible!).
Ghazal mulaahiza farmaayeN:
1. kabhi kahaa na kisi se tire fasaane ko
na jaane kaise Khabar ho gayi zamane ko
2. chaman meN barq nahiN chhoRti kisi soorat
tarah-tarah se banaataa hooN aashiyaane ko!
3. sunaa hai Ghair ki mahfil meN tum NA jaaoge -
kaho to aaj sajaa looN Ghareeb_Khaane ko
4. du'aa bahaar ki maaNgi, to itne phuul khile
kahiN jagah na rahii mere aashiyaane ko
5. chaman meN jaana to, sayyaad, dekh kar jaanaa!
akela chhoR kar aayaa huuN aashiyaane ko
6. mirii lahad pe patangoN ka Khoon hotaa hai
huzoor! sham'a na laayaa kareN jalaane ko
7. dabaa ke chal diye sab qabr meN, du'aa na salaam
zaraa-si der meN kyaa ho gayaa zamaane ko?
8. ab aage is meN tumhaaraa bhi naam aayegaa
jo hukm ho to yaheeN chhoR dooN fasaane ko?
9. 'Qamar' zaraa bhi naheeN tujh ko Khauf-e-ruswaa`ii
chale ho chaaNdni shab meN unheN bulaane ko
[See, only TWO verbs in the whole Ghazal! ;-))]
As far as I am concerned, I personally liked #1, #6, #8 and #9
more than the rest. Question: lafz-e-"lahad" ke sahiih talaffuz
"lahd" naheeN hote? Or is this allowed because "lahad" is an
'accepted' pronunciation? How about "diiwaane" v/s "diwaane" then?
> Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar
>
> P.S. dekhiye, abhi to aap ki is qist meiN koi 'entry' bhi naheeN
> aa'ii, phir bhi (aap ke husn-e-taKhaatub aur aap ke tarz-e-taKhayyul
> ki ba-baulat) yeh laRi abhi se "guNdhi" jaa rahi hai! :-))
> Isn't that something?
... I'm going to ignore that side-swipe ;-) because it is far more
exciting for me to note the pun on "guNdhi" v/s "guNthi". At the
risk of sounding disrespectful, I'll say, "Dr. Pathria, you are a
clever, clever man!" :)
faqat,
-UVR.
PS. ABSOUTELY no disrespect meant!
UVR
>
> ulajh ke reh gaye hastii ke taane-baane meiN
> tamaam ho gayii ik umr iss fasaane meiN!
kyaa dhuaaN_dhaar 'entry' kii hai aap ne! :)) Welcome back: aap to
"eid kaa chaaNd" ho gaye, huzoor?
aap ki "submission" kaa shukriya. bhai, buraa na maaneN to arz hai
k yeh series to *nau_mashq* shu'raa ki Khaatir chalaayi jaa rahi hai.
aur is lihaaz se,
do-chaar saal 'umr meN ham se baRe haiN aap !!!
(if not A LOT MORE! :)) mazaaq bar-taraf, aap kaa aanaa is series
ke liye izzat_afza aur baais-e-faKhr hai.
> mujhe hazaar tamannaa, tire qariib aauuN
> tujhe yeh aik takalluf nazar milaane meiN!
bahut Khoob! meri jaanib se is sh'er par bhi mubaarakbaad qubool
kareN.
in do ash'aar meN se kaun-sa "behtar" hai, is kaa faisila to Irfan sb.
hi kar sakte haiN, lekin aap kii ijaazat se maiN (aadat se majboor) is
sh'er ke muta'alliq ek sawaal kar looN? --
agar is sh'er meN *thoRaa-sa* pher-badal kar ke yooN likhaa jaaye:
mujhe *ye aik* tamannaa k tere paas aauuN
tujhe *hazaar* takalluf nazar milaane meN!
to kyaa aap kii raaye meN aashiq kii haalat AUR BHI ziyaadah
"poignant"
aur ma'ashooq kaa bartaav aur bhii "stone-hearted" naheeN ho jaati?
k jaise aashiq kah rahaa ho, "mujhe agar koi tamannaa hai, to bas AIK
yahii, k tere paas aauuN. aur tuu hai k, ai sang_dil! nazar tak
nahiiN milaataa -- hazzzaaaroN bahaane kartaa hai!"
Of course, is tabdeeli se aap ke original sh'er ke ma'ani zaraa badal
jaate haiN, aur mumkin hai aap ko yeh tabdeeli manzoor na ho.
muKhlis,
-UVR.
Irfan 'Abid'
> i_a...@hotmail.com (Irfan 'Abid') wrote in message news:<632bac0b.02081...@posting.google.com>...
> > UVR <u...@usa.not> wrote in message news:<3D56958F...@usa.not>...
> Irfan saahib!
>
> yaqeen maaniye k aap ke sawaal se peshtar mere paas us ka jawaab
> maujood thaa:
>
> qafas meN chain milaa hai na aashiyaane meN
> tamaam 'umr bhaTakte rahe zamaane meN
>
> dar_asl maiN ALUP ko *YAHI* sh'er denaa chaahtaa thaa. But then
> I thought, kyoN na is sh'er ko kuchh is tarah badal diya jaaye k
> is baareek nukte (=subtle point) par "sar-e-aam" baat ho sake?
> aur dekh lijiye bilkul wahii huaa jis ki mujhe ummeed thi!
>
> ab bas aap mujh par "entrapment" kaa muqaddama mat daayar kar
> deejiyega! :)) LOL ... ROTFL
>
> waise yeh kahnaa chaahooNga k aap ne "hint" to aisaa diyaa hai
> k jaise "answer" hii likh rakha ho. agar mujh meN kuchh caliber
> na bhi hotaa, to bhii is sh'er ke correct version tak pahuNchne
> meN koii diqqat na hoti!
>
>
> faqat
> -UVR.
UVR Sb, aadaab!
aap kaa sher ab kamaal kaa ho gayaa hai! (ab ye mat puuchhiyegaa ki ye
:Kamaal Sb: kaun haiN!) meraa Khayaal hai ki hamaarii Ghazal ko ek
behad dilkash matlaa mil gayaa hai. ab aage aage dekhiye hotaa hai
kyaa!
niyaazmand,
Irfan :Abid:
Irfan 'Abid'
jugnoo Sb, aadaab!
muhtaram, aap avval taaKhiir se aaye, aur aate hii mujhe sharmindah
karne par aamaadah ho gaye! :-) janaab, ye to bachchoN kaa khel hai.
aur maiN :referee: ban kar sirf is liye khaRaa ho gayaa huuN ki
dekhaa-dekhii meN shaayad mujhe bhii kuchh gur seekhne kaa mauqaa mil
jaaye. aap to maahir khilaaRii haiN. bhalaa merii kyaa majaal ki aap
ke kalaam par koii faislaa sunaauuN!
baharhaal, aap ne apne aalaa ash.aar inaayat kar hii diye haiN, to
inheN kaise nazar.andaaz kiyaa jaa saktaa hai! ab mushkil ye hai ki
ash.aar donoN hii umdah haiN, aur maiN qavaaid ke mutaabiq sirf ek ko
Ghazal meN shaamil kar saktaa huuN. baRii pas-o-pesh ke baad maiN is
nateeje par puNhchaa huuN ki aap kaa duusraa sher Ghazal meN rakkhaa
jaaye. mujhe ye sher pahle ke muqaabile meN yuuN bhii ziyaadah pasand
aayaa, aur phir matlaa hamaare UVR Sb kah hii chuke haiN. ummeed hai
aap is faisle par apnii taaeed se navaazeNge.
niyaazmand,
Irfan :Abid:
Irfan 'Abid'
Yogesh Sb, aadaab!
I am enjoying this project as much as you and other participants would
be. Thanks for this great idea!
I fondly looked at your attempt and I must admit that it is one of
your better ones! The thought behind the sher is good and you have
managed to put it together very well. However, there are a couple of
things I want to underline.
1. The first misraa would be in bahr only if you pronounce the last
:a: of :Khata: with a short vowel, which is not proper. Please find a
remedy for it.
2. Please avoid using verbs like :rahii: without their better half
:hai:. This is not considered good linguitic construction.
3. :sataanaa: does not go well with :qazaa:. :qazaa: doesn't :trouble:
you. It puts an end to all the troubles! :-) Please keep it in mind
while revising your sher.
4. The way you have composed the second misraa demands :mujhe: in
place of :mere:.
Looking forward to the improved version!
Sincerely,
Irfan :Abid:
Sarvjit Goraya
>
> Your misr'a is absolutely brilliant! Anyone who opines otherwise
> needs a lesson on poetry appreciation!
> abhi parwaaz hai baaqi tire parwaane meN
> waah! You simply *MUST* share with ALUP the complete sh'er (and
> the Ghazal) of which this misr'a is a part.
>
... I just made that up to create a counter example. But as you have
pointed out it is not correct. Thanks for help. May be (one day) I
should write a few more lines around that misra.
Regards
Sarvjit
Sarvjit Goraya
> .
> abhi Ghazal jawaan hai [2]
> ==========================
> Deadline: August 31, 2002
>
This learner submits the following she'r:
tere sitam ka sabab hai ki meri zindadilee
mazaa ajeeb hai gham kha ke muskrane mei.n
Regards
Sarvjit Goraya
Vasmi Abidi
UVR Saahib,
aadaab!
agar 'entry fee' bahut zyaada na ho, to maiN bhi apni entry pesh karna
chaahtaa hooN:
tire shabaab ki garmee, mire havas kii tapish
mile bhi haiN kabhi to mera dil jalaane meN
regards,
Vasmi
jugnoo
> >
> > ulajh ke reh gaye hastii ke taane-baane meiN
> > tamaam ho gayii ik umr iss fasaane meiN!
>
> waah-waah, Jugnoo saahib:
>
> kyaa dhuaaN_dhaar 'entry' kii hai aap ne! :)) Welcome back: aap to
> "eid kaa chaaNd" ho gaye, huzoor?
>
> aap ki "submission" kaa shukriya. bhai, buraa na maaneN to arz hai
> k yeh series to *nau_mashq* shu'raa ki Khaatir chalaayi jaa rahi hai.
> aur is lihaaz se,
> do-chaar saal 'umr meN ham se baRe haiN aap !!!
janaab UVR saahib: aadaab!
yeh sitam-zariifii bhii qaabil-e-daad hai k aik jaanib aap mujh ko
:nau-mashqoN: kii fehrist se Khaarij farmaa rahe haiN aur doosrii
taraf merii koshish ko nazar-e-islaaH se bhii navaaz rahe haiN! LOL!!
maiN donoN sooratoN meiN aap kaa shukr-guzaar huuN! sach to yeh hai k
maiN nau-mashq hii huuN. aap yaqiin kiijiye.
aap kii islaaH aChhii hai. maiN ne :hazaar: ko :beHad: ke ma'nee meiN
liyaa thaa aur jab :aik takalluf: likhaa thaa to yeh sochaa thaa k
:agar tujh ko koii takalluf hai to bas aik yeh k nazar nahiiN milaataa
(tii!) hai: Khair iss baar rehne diijiye. aa'inda Ghazal keh kar aap
ko bhej diyaa karuuN gaa aur phir bad meiN post karuuN gaa basharte.k
aap ijaazat deN. yeh maiN mazaaqan nahiin likh rahaa huuN bal.k
sanjeeda huuN! kyaa main aisaa kar saktaa huuN? ab yeh likh kar Dar
rahaa huuN k aap Khafaa na ho jaayeN!
:jugnoo:
jugnoo
janaab Irfan saahib: aadaab!
aap Ghazab farmaate haiN k ashaar ko yuuN hii qubooliyat kii sanad de
rahe haiN! aur jab aap mujh ko :bachchoN: se alag karte haiN to Ghalib
kaa yeh sher be-iKhtiyaar yaad aataa hai k:
lo voh bhii kehte haiN k yeh be-naNg-o-naam hai
yeh jaantaa agar to luTaataa na ghar ko maiN!
maiN nau-mashq hii huuN aur islaaH kaa muntazir bhii. mujh ko itnii
jald faisila kar ke gunaah-gaar na kiijiye!
aap kii tavajjuh aur mehrbaanii kaa muntazir:
:jugnoo:
Yogesh Sethi
> > ...
> > ye kaun si khata kii mil rahii sazaa mujh ko,
> > qazaa bhi ho rahi shaamil mere sataane me.n
>
> Yogesh Sb, aadaab!
>...
> Looking forward to the improved version!
>
> Sincerely,
> Irfan :Abid:
>
Irfaan Sahib, aadaab:
Thank you for your comments. Here is my revised effort:
Khataa thi kaun si, itanii milii sazaa mujh ko,
tabiib ho mira shaamil, mujhe sataane me.n
But for study sake, I also made an additional attempt for another
idea:
javaab tak bhi nahii.n aata hai tire dar se
Khataa thi kaun si zaalim mire taraane me.n
aur phir apanii 'Khata' par bhi aik zaraafti Khayaal aayaa - arz hai:
Khataa ko jab 'Khata' samjhaa, be-jaa hu_aa misraa
qazaa hi ab to hai kaafii, ise bhulaane me.n :)
If it is not too much of an imposition, please permit me to ask: In
addition to the above, can the followimg variations be considered in
meter?
1. tabiib bhii hua shaamil, mujhe sataane me.n
2. tabiib ho gaya shaamil, mujhe sataane me.n
3. javaab tak bhi nahii.n aaya hai tire dar se
4. qazaa bi ab na ho kaafii, mujhe bachaane me.n
5. qazaa bhi aati nahii.n ab mujhe bachaane me.n
Thank you very much.
Regards,
Yogesh
Irfan 'Abid'
Sarvjitji, aadaab!
is :saajhaa sarkaar: meN aap kaa Khair.maqdam kartaa huuN! aap kaa
sher dekhaa. bhaaii, vaah! bahut Khuub! sab se pahle to is baat par
daad qubuul kiijiye ki donoN misre bar.vazn haiN (ba.sharte :tere: ko
:tire: likhaa jaaye). sher Khuub hai, lekin bahtar banaayaa jaa saktaa
hai. mundarjah zail baatoN par aap kii tavajjah chaahtaa huuN.
1. yahaaN :sabab: kaa mahal nahiiN hai. aap Ghaaliban :asar: kahnaa
chaah rahe haiN.
2. sher yuuN to Thiik Thaak lagtaa hai, lekin ba.ghaur dekheN to is
meN kahiiN ek :missing link: kaa ahsaas hotaa hai. avval to sitam kii
:vajh: se muskuraanaa zaraa mashkook hai. doem (and this is the main
point) muskuraanaa Khud maze kii alaamat (indication) hai. muskuraane
:meN: mazaa aanaa qadre kamzor fiqraa hai.
3. merii naachiiz raae meN agar aap sher meN kuchh is tarah kii baat
kaheN to asar paidaa ho saktaa hai: tere sitam ko merii zindah.dilii
ye dikhaayegii ki maiN Gham paa kar bhii muskuraa saktaa huuN! I have
something to this effect in mind, but I will wait for your next
attempt.
Good luck!
niyaazmand,
Irfan :Abid:
Irfan 'Abid'
> UVR Saahib,
> aadaab!
>
> agar 'entry fee' bahut zyaada na ho, to maiN bhi apni entry pesh karna
> chaahtaa hooN:
>
> tire shabaab ki garmee, mire havas kii tapish
> mile bhi haiN kabhi to mera dil jalaane meN
>
> regards,
> Vasmi
>
>
Vasmi Sb, aadaab!
janaab, entry fee bahut maamuulii hai. aap sirf is baat kaa vaadaa
kareN ki yahaaN paabandii se aayeNge aur apne kalaam se navaazte
raheNge! :-)
aap kaa sher dekhaa. vallah! kyaa kahne! pahlaa misraa to aap ne
Ghazab kaa kahaa hai! albattaa duusre meN kuchh kasar rah gayii. avval
to ye saaf nahiiN huaa ki :mile: se muraad :were found: hai, :were
felt: hai yaa :met:! doem in meN se kisii suurat meN bhii :dil jalaane
meN: kaa javaaz mazbuut nahiiN nikaltaa. isii vajh se misraa-e-saanii
kamzor paR gayaa hai. mere Khayaal meN agar aap ye kaheN ki :shabaab
kii garmii: aur :havas kii tapish: dil jalaane meN :Kharch huii: yaa
:kaam aayii: to baat ban saktii hai. vaise aap apne mauqif kii
vazaahat kar sakeN to us par qaayam rah sakte haiN.
niyaazmand,
Irfan :Abid:
Vasmi Abidi
Irfan 'Abid' wrote:
> > tire shabaab ki garmee, mire havas kii tapish
> > mile bhi haiN kabhi to mera dil jalaane meN
> >
> > regards,
> > Vasmi
> >
> >
>
> Vasmi Sb, aadaab!
>
> janaab, entry fee bahut maamuulii hai. aap sirf is baat kaa vaadaa
> kareN ki yahaaN paabandii se aayeNge aur apne kalaam se navaazte
> raheNge! :-)
yaani, 'entry fee' baar baar bharnee hai!
mujhe manzoor hai.
> aap kaa sher dekhaa. vallah! kyaa kahne! pahlaa misraa to aap ne
> Ghazab kaa kahaa hai! albattaa duusre meN kuchh kasar rah gayii. avval
> to ye saaf nahiiN huaa ki :mile: se muraad :were found: hai, :were
> felt: hai yaa :met:!
pahlaa misraa saraahne ka shukriya.
doosre misre meN "mile" ka matlab "met" ya "get together" leejiye.
Khayaal kucch yooN hai:
'tira shabaab' aur 'miri havas' hamesha ek doosre se door rahte haiN; na kabhi qareeb
aakar mile haiN, aur na hi unke milne ki ummeed hai. haaN, magar dono ne saath saath
milkar aksar mera dil jalaaya hai; kyoNki ye dil jalaane ka kaam un meN se kisi ek ke
bas ki baat naheeN hai.
doosraa misra yooN paRh sakte haiN: "meraa dil jalaane ke kaam meN dono mile haiN,
varna ek-doosre se kabhi naheeN milte."
Vasmi
Raj Kumar
> >
> >
> > > > > 2. kabhii kahaa na kisii se tire fasaane ko
> > > > > na jaane kaise Khabar ho gayii zamaane ko (naa_ma'aloom)
> > > >
> > >
> > > UVR:
> > > maiN kah saktaa hooN: Qamar Jalaalvi! :))
> >
> > Raj Kumar <rajkum...@hotmail.com> wrote:
> >
> > Well, well, well --- if THAT is your answer, Ravindra Saahib, then the
> > correct answer is: Qamar Jalaalaabaadi, not Qamar Jalaalvi! :-))
>
> aap ke "haafize ki jheel" kii gahraayi se maiN Khoob waaqif hooN,
> is liye aap ke is daawe ka taraddud karne ki himmat mujh meN nahiN
> hai. magar phir bhi, itnaa to kahooNga k jin saahib ne yeh Ghazal
> *wahaaN* raqm ki thi, un kii zabaan par bhi mujhe kam aitebaar nahiN
> hai.
>
> isii Ghazal ke muta'alliq ek *AUR* dilchasp baat dekhiye (aur yeh
> baat ba-taur sanad nahiN, balke mahz "observation" ke taur par kar
> rahaa hooN) -- k kal Nita-ji ki site par gaya to ise Qamar Jalalwi
> ki GhazaloN ki 'list' meN darj paaya. magar jyooN hi Ghazal-waala
> safha kholaa, to kyaa dekhtaa hooN, k Qamar Jalaalwi ka naam Qamar
> Jalaalaabadi ke naam meiN tabdeel ho gaya!!! See these two URLs:
> - http://www.urdupoetry.com/jalalwi.html
> - http://www.urdupoetry.com/jalalwi04.html
Ravindra Saahib:
aap ki tehqeeq-o-daryaaft qaabil-daad hai aur maiN ne, aap ki tarGheeb
par, muta'alliqa maaKhiz ko dekha hai. aek dilchasp baat nazar aaii k
vahaaN par jo sho'raa ki fehrist hai us meiN do "muKhtalif" sho'raa ke
naam darj haiN --- aek Qamar Jalaalvi aur doosre Qamar Jalaalaabaadi".
magar hairat ki baat yeh hai k jahaaN pehle shaa'ir ki 7-8 GhazleN
raqam huyee haiN, vahaaN doosre shaa'ir ki "sirf" aek! aur yeh baat to
aap pehle hi note kar chuke haiN k zer-e-baihs Ghazal hai pehle
shaa'ir ki fehrist meiN magar us par naam hai doosre sha'ir ka!
in tamaam mushaahidoN ke pesh-e-nazar, mujhe to yeh lagta hai [aap ise
mera "hunch" hi samajhiye] k shaa'ir sirf aek hi hai --- Qamar
Jalaalaabaadi ---magar kisi maqaam par kisi sitam-zareef ne use Qamar
Jalaalvi likh diyaa aur yeh Ghalati Ghalat-ul-aam ho gayee!
vaise bhi, aap ThaNDe dil se sochiye --- haalaaN-k, baal-avastha meiN
dil ka ThaNDa hona zaraa kaThin hi hota hai :-)) --- k bhalaa lafz
"Jalaalvi" ki koi tuk banti hai? yeh to vuhi baat hui jaise koi Jigar
Saahib ko Jigar Muraadvi kehne lage! :-))
> >
> > Ravindra Saahib, kyaa hi achchha hota agar aap un sabhi she'roN se ham
> > GhareeboN ko bhi aagaah kar dete --- taake hamaare liye us "bhooli
> > bisri" shaam ki yaad phir se taaza ho jaati jab k ham ne yeh Ghazal
> > janaab-e-Habiib Painter Saahib ke muNh se suni thi! :-((
>
> jo aagyaa mahraaj! lekin aise kaam 'muft' meN nahiN hote: *paise
> lageNge*, uncle! maiN Nita saahiba ki site se lekar yeh ash'aar post
> kar rahaa hooN aur aap ko apne maKhsoos andaaz meN in par tafseel se
> Teeka-TippaNi (= tabsara) karna hogiiiiiii ... ROTFL (providing as
> many examples from diiwaan-e-Qais, as possible!).
aap ne, is qadar shafaqat se, yeh Ghazal baham pahuNchaa kar ham par
jo aihsaan kiyaa hai, use kisi soorat to chukaana hi hoga --- magar
zaroori naheeN k is Ghazal par apni ulTi-seedhi tanqeed kar ke
chukaayeN! aek to yeh Ghazal itni aasaan hai k ise samajhne ke liye
samajh-daar hona zaroori naheeN hai! ROTFL
kiyooN-k, na to is meiN auj-e-taKh'eel hai aur na hi fikr ki
gaihraaii. :-((
albatta, jazbaat-nigaari aur maNzar-kashi is Ghazal meiN Khoob hai.
aur, haaN, "zabaan ki safaaii" to de-had dilkash hai jo k mujhe bahut
marGhoob hai!
aur maiN yeh bhi kehna chaahooN ga k jo she'r aap ko pasaNd aaye haiN,
vuhi mujhe bhi achchhe lage haiN. albatta, in ke ilaava mujhe to she'r
#4 bhi Khoob lagaa hai. meri raaye meiN, is she'r meiN balaa ka tanz
hai jo k qaabil-e-daad hai!
>
> Ghazal mulaahiza farmaayeN:
>
> 1. kabhi kahaa na kisi se tire fasaane ko
> na jaane kaise Khabar ho gayi zamane ko
>
> 2. chaman meN barq nahiN chhoRti kisi soorat
> tarah-tarah se banaataa hooN aashiyaane ko!
>
> 3. sunaa hai Ghair ki mahfil meN tum NA jaaoge -
> kaho to aaj sajaa looN Ghareeb_Khaane ko
>
> 4. du'aa bahaar ki maaNgi, to itne phuul khile
> kahiN jagah na rahii mere aashiyaane ko
>
> 5. chaman meN jaana to, sayyaad, dekh kar jaanaa!
> akela chhoR kar aayaa huuN aashiyaane ko
>
> 6. mirii lahad pe patangoN ka Khoon hotaa hai
> huzoor! sham'a na laayaa kareN jalaane ko
>
> 7. dabaa ke chal diye sab qabr meN, du'aa na salaam
> zaraa-si der meN kyaa ho gayaa zamaane ko?
>
> 8. ab aage is meN tumhaaraa bhi naam aayegaa
> jo hukm ho to yaheeN chhoR dooN fasaane ko?
>
> 9. 'Qamar' zaraa bhi naheeN tujh ko Khauf-e-ruswaa`ii
> chale ho chaaNdni shab meN unheN bulaane ko
>
> [See, only TWO verbs in the whole Ghazal! ;-))]
sirf yihi naheeN k sirf do 'verbs' aaye haiN, balke jo 'nouns' bhi
aaye haiN, vuhi ghise-piTe --- fasaane, zamaane, aashiyaane ---
aek jagah, Ghalati se, Ghariib-Khaana aa Tapka hai; vahaaN bhi, "is
aashiyaane ko" keh dete to kyaa buraaii thi? LOL
[Can you read she'r #3 with this minor change --- without falling out
of your chair? mujhe to bilkul aise lagta hai jaise koi totaa kisi
totii ko da'avat de rahaa ho!] Literally, ROTFL
Talking of verbs, here is an example from esaateza in the same baihr
and same zameen as ALUP Ghazal[2]:
Gharaz k kaaT diye ziNdagi ke din, ai dost!
voh teri yaad meiN hoN yaa tujhe bhulaane meiN!!!
[Firaaq]
aek aur maze ki baat suniye, Ravindra Saahib. jo 'entries' abhi tak
aap ki qist meiN aaii haiN un meiN jo qaafiye barte gaye haiN un meiN
'verbs' aur 'nouns' qareeb qareeb aek jitne haiN!!!
>
> As far as I am concerned, I personally liked #1, #6, #8 and #9
> more than the rest. Question: lafz-e-"lahad" ke sahiih talaffuz
> "lahd" naheeN hote? Or is this allowed because "lahad" is an
> 'accepted' pronunciation? How about "diiwaane" v/s "diwaane" then?
You are right. is lafz ka saheeh talaffuz 'lahd' hi hai magar 'lahad'
ki bhi ijaazat hai --- aur jahaaN tak maiN ne dekha hai, 'lahad'
ziyaada must'amal hai. maslan, yeh dil-pazeer she'r to aap ne hazaar
baar sunaa hoga:
lahad meiN bhi mire shaane hilaaye jaate haiN
sataane vaale yahaaN bhi sataaye jaate haiN!!!
> >
> > P.S. dekhiye, abhi to aap ki is qist meiN koi 'entry' bhi naheeN
> > aa'ii, phir bhi (aap ke husn-e-taKhaatub aur aap ke tarz-e-taKhayyul
> > ki ba-baulat) yeh laRi abhi se "guNdhi" jaa rahi hai! :-))
> > Isn't that something?
>
> ... I'm going to ignore that side-swipe ;-) because it is far more
> exciting for me to note the pun on "guNdhi" v/s "guNthi".
maiN jaanta hooN k aap ko 'pun' se be-"pun"aah raGhbat hai. kaheeN aap
pichhle janm meiN "pun"vaaRi to naheeN the? LOL
mujhe Dar hai k jab deevaan-e-Khursheed maNzar-e-aam par aaye ga to,
us meiN, 'fan' se kaheeN ziyaada zor 'pun' par hoga! :-))
is Khadshe ko madd-e-nazar rakhte huye, maiN ne socha k aaj
deevaan-e-Qais meiN Ghota-zani karooN aur is baihr-e-be-karaaN meiN se
koi aisa aab-daar moti DhooND laaooN jo k deevaan-e-Khursheed ke
sar-varaq ki zeenat ban sake. aap yaqeen naheeN kareN ge k meri mehnat
s'phal hui aur voh nageena jo mujhe milaa voh aap ki nazr hai:
[note keejiye, yahaaN par taKhaatub Khursheed Saahib ki jaanib se hai
kiyooN-k is she'r ko unheeN ke deevaan par raqam hona hai!]
farmaate haiN (aur voh bhi "aaj kal ki baihr" meiN):
mire kalaam meiN jo husn-e-"zan" ki baateN haiN
samajh sako to yeh usloob-e-"pun" ki baateN haiN!
kahiye, kaisa lagaa yeh nageena? isi liye to kisi ne kahaa hai k
yeh jo apne Qais ji haiN, vaaq'ii "ustaad" haiN
in ko har mauq'e ki GhazleN "muNh-zabaanii" yaad haiN! :-))
Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar
UVR
hasb-e-ma'amool ek Ghair-zaroori sawaal lekar haazir huaa hooN.
gustaaKhi mu'aaf, lekin 'arz hai k mere Khayaal se "hawas" aik
mu'annas (=feminine) lafz hai. agar maiN Ghalati par hooN, to
tas_heeh farmaa deN, baRi mehrbaani hogi. shukriya.
fqt,
UVR
i_a...@hotmail.com (Irfan 'Abid') wrote in message news:<632bac0b.02081...@posting.google.com>...
UVR
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------
> janaab UVR saahib: aadaab!
>
> yeh sitam-zariifii bhii qaabil-e-daad hai k aik jaanib aap mujh ko
> :nau-mashqoN: kii fehrist se Khaarij farmaa rahe haiN aur doosrii
> taraf merii koshish ko nazar-e-islaaH se bhii navaaz rahe haiN! LOL!!
> maiN donoN sooratoN meiN aap kaa shukr-guzaar huuN! sach to yeh hai k
> maiN nau-mashq hii huuN. aap yaqiin kiijiye.
>
> aap kii islaaH aChhii hai. maiN ne :hazaar: ko :beHad: ke ma'nee meiN
> liyaa thaa aur jab :aik takalluf: likhaa thaa to yeh sochaa thaa k
> :agar tujh ko koii takalluf hai to bas aik yeh k nazar nahiiN milaataa
> (tii!) hai: Khair iss baar rehne diijiye. aa'inda Ghazal keh kar aap
> ko bhej diyaa karuuN gaa aur phir bad meiN post karuuN gaa basharte.k
> aap ijaazat deN. yeh maiN mazaaqan nahiin likh rahaa huuN bal.k
> sanjeeda huuN! kyaa main aisaa kar saktaa huuN? ab yeh likh kar Dar
> rahaa huuN k aap Khafaa na ho jaayeN!
>
> :jugnoo:
huzoor, jugnoo saahib!
jo is qadar sharminda ho chuka ho, us ke Khafaa hone ka sawaal hii
naheeN uThtaa. ma'aloom hotaa hai aap ne mujhe kaheeN kaa na rakh
chhoRne kii qasam-si khaa lii hai! mere *sawaal* ko *islaaH* kaa
laqab dekar mujhe is qadar sharminda kiye chale jaa rahe haiN k
kyaa kahooN! maiN aur aap kii islaaH karooN? meri aisi qaabiliyat
hai, na auqaat. Ghaneemat hai, aap ko meraa sawaal dekh kar koft
nahiiN hui. aur haaN, aap agar *nau_mashq* haiN to phir ham Khud
ko 'mubtadi' se bhi do-ek darja kam hii jaan leN!
-UVR.
p k swami
abhi ghazal jawaan hai kaa silsilaa khoob hai.
ek koshish ki hai lekin tamaam ghalateeyooN se aaraastaa hai..
aap se darkhwaast hai k ye agar kisi layaq ho to tarmeem
ki meharbanee farmayeN !
milaa hai gham se sabaq ek hi zamaane meiN
oosee ne aish kiyaa jo aa gayaa nishane meiN
tumHare husn ki dilkash zameeN pe sajdawaar
tamaam umr kaTee ek aarzoo mitaane meiN
mataa’e jaa.N bhi luTaa kar hameN na hosh aayaa
sazaa ki fiqr naheeN tumse dil lagaane meiN
Jamaal.e yaar ki raa.naaeyooN pe maiN sadqe
ayaaN hai job hi hai lazzat mujhe sataane meiN
huzum.e gham ki tazallee ne noor bikhrayaa
girah tab zulf ki suljhee siyaahkhaane meiN
regards.
PK Swami
Irfan 'Abid'
>
> Irfaan Sahib, aadaab:
>
> Thank you for your comments. Here is my revised effort:
>
Yogesh Sb, aadaab!
aap kii duusrii koshish par chand taassuraat haazir haiN.
> Khataa thi kaun si, itanii milii sazaa mujh ko,
> tabiib ho mira shaamil, mujhe sataane me.n
>
aap kaa ye sher puurii tarah bahr meN hai, aur ravaanii kii kahiiN
koii kamii nahiiN! mubaarak ho! ab zaraa diigar baariikiyoN par Ghaur
karte haiN. agar pahle misre ko dekheN to :Khataa thii kaun sii: aur
:itnii milii sazaa mujh ko: do qadre Ghair-munsalik (detached) tukRe
maaluum hote haiN. agar aap :itnii: ko :jis kii: kar deN to ye kamii
duur ho jaayegii. ab agar duusraa misraa dekheN to :ho: se maaluum
hotaa hai ki aap koii bayaan-e-tamannaaii (statement with a wish) darj
kar rahe haiN, jo ki aap kaa maqsad nahiiN hai. :ho: kii jagah :hai:
kar deN to ye kamii bhii duur ho jaayegii. yaanii sher ab kuchh yuuN
ho gayaa:
Khataa thii kaun sii jis kii milii sazaa mujh ko
tabiib hai miraa shaamil mujhe sataane meN
ab zaraa ek qadam aur aage chalte haiN. sher paRh kar aisaa nahiiN
lagtaa ki ye hazarat-e-:tabiib: achaanak out of nowhere naazil ho gaye
haiN? aap ne kahiiN kisii maraz yaa rog kaa zikr nahiiN kiyaa, is liye
tabiib kaa zikr kuchh be.mauqaa saa lagtaa hai. duusraa lafz jo
Ghaur.talab hai, vo hai :shaamil:. jaisaa ki aap jaante hii hoNge, ye
lafz do yaa is se ziyaadah anaasir (elements) yaa afraad (persons) ko
yakjaa karne ke liye kiyaa jaataa hai. ab savaal ye paidaa hotaa hai
ki :tabiib: ke ilaavah aap ko aur kaun sataa rahaa hai? meraa Khayaal
hai baat aap samajh gaye hoNge.
chuuNki aap bahr kii kamiyaaN duur kar chuke haiN, maiN aap ko vo
ishaaraa denaa chaahuuNgaa, jo maiN is stage par diyaa kartaa huuN.
ummeed hai is kii madad se aap ek baa.maanii sher kah sakeNge. meraa
Khayaal hai ki aap kaa pahlaa misraa achchhaa Khaasaa hai. kaam sirf
duusre misre par karnaa hai. is meN aap kuchh aisii baat kahiye ki
:naseeb mujhe sataane meN kaahe lagaa hai:.
> But for study sake, I also made an additional attempt for another
> idea:
>
> javaab tak bhi nahii.n aata hai tire dar se
> Khataa thi kaun si zaalim mire taraane me.n
>
aap kaa ye sher bhii bahr meN hai, haalaNki pahle misre kii ravaanii
zaraa bahtarii chaahtii hai. is ke ilaavah kuchh aur baateN
qaabil-e-zikr haiN. :tak: ke baad :bhii: kii zaruurat nahiiN, kyoNki
donoN ke maanii ek hii haiN. donoN misroN kaa rabt saaf nahiiN hai.
:dar se javaab na aane: kaa :taraane: se kyaa ta.alluq hai? phir
taraane meN Khataa se kyaa muraad hai?
> aur phir apanii 'Khata' par bhi aik zaraafti Khayaal aayaa - arz hai:
>
> Khataa ko jab 'Khata' samjhaa, be-jaa hu_aa misraa
> qazaa hi ab to hai kaafii, ise bhulaane me.n :)
>
> If it is not too much of an imposition, please permit me to ask: In
> addition to the above, can the followimg variations be considered in
> meter?
>
> 1. tabiib bhii hua shaamil, mujhe sataane me.n
> 2. tabiib ho gaya shaamil, mujhe sataane me.n
> 3. javaab tak bhi nahii.n aaya hai tire dar se
> 4. qazaa bi ab na ho kaafii, mujhe bachaane me.n
> 5. qazaa bhi aati nahii.n ab mujhe bachaane me.n
>
aap ke saare misre bar.vazn haiN. taaham zabaan-o-bayaan kii kamiyaaN
nazar aatii haiN, jin kaa maiN uupar zikr kar chukaa huuN.
> Thank you very much.
>
> Regards,
> Yogesh
niyaazmand,
Irfan :Abid:
Irfan 'Abid'
> i_a...@hotmail.com (Irfan 'Abid') wrote in message news:<632bac0b.02081...@posting.google.com>...
> > shaa...@yahoo.com (jugnoo) wrote in message news:<fcbfcf51.0208...@posting.google.com>...
> > > u...@usa.net (UVR) wrote in message news:<9c085b63.02081...@posting.google.com>...
> > > > .
> > > > abhi Ghazal jawaan hai [2]
> > > > ==========================
> > > > Deadline: August 31, 2002
> --------------------------------------------------
> janaab Irfan saahib: aadaab!
>
> aap Ghazab farmaate haiN k ashaar ko yuuN hii qubooliyat kii sanad de
> rahe haiN! aur jab aap mujh ko :bachchoN: se alag karte haiN to Ghalib
> kaa yeh sher be-iKhtiyaar yaad aataa hai k:
>
> lo voh bhii kehte haiN k yeh be-naNg-o-naam hai
> yeh jaantaa agar to luTaataa na ghar ko maiN!
>
> maiN nau-mashq hii huuN aur islaaH kaa muntazir bhii. mujh ko itnii
> jald faisila kar ke gunaah-gaar na kiijiye!
>
> aap kii tavajjuh aur mehrbaanii kaa muntazir:
>
> :jugnoo:
jugnoo Sb, aadaab!
bhaaii, maiN ne aap ke ash.aar par pasandiidagii kaa izhaar rasman
nahiiN kiyaa thaa. aap ke ash.aar vaaqaii laa.javaab haiN. phir bhii,
agar aap kahte haiN to kcuhh tafsiilii tabsirah kiye detaa huuN. ye
islaah qataii nahiiN, kyoNki aap ko us kii mutlaq zaruurat nahiiN hai.
sirf raae samajhiyegaa. mumkin hai kisii kaam aaye.
aap kaa duusraa sher, jise maiN ne Ghazal meN shaamil kiyaa hai, mere
Khayaal meN kisii bahtarii kaa muhtaaj nahiiN. balki is kaa
misra-e-saanii to behad dilkash hai. :tujhe ye ek takalluf: ke tukRe
ne vo asar paidaa kiyaa hai ki mat puuchhiye! haaN, pahle sher meN
mujhe ek baat khaTkii thii, aur shaayad isii vajh se ye sher mujhe
duusre ke muqaabile meN zaraa kamtar darje kaa nazar aayaa. is sher
meN :fasaane: kaa javaaz bantaa nazar nahiiN aataa, kyoNki aap ne sher
meN fasaane jaisii kisii cheez kaa zikr nahiiN kiyaa. haalaaNki sher
kaa pahlaa misraa jaan.levaa hai, lekin :fasaane: par aa kar is kaa
asar maaNd paR jaataa hai. yaanii kul milaa kar donoN misre mil kar ek
jaan nahiiN ho paaye. maiN ne bahut sochaa ki pahlaa misraa
ba.dastuur rakhte hue :fasaane: kaa qaafiyaa kaise istemaal kiyaa
jaaye, lekin koii muassar tareeqaa nahiiN suujhaa. agar aap koii hal
nikaal sakeN to kyaa kahne! maiN dil se chaahtaa huun ki is sher kaa
pahlaa misraa kaam aa jaaye.
niyaazmand,
Irfan :Abid:
Zoya
> ==========================
> Deadline: August 31, 2002
UVR Sahib aur Irfan Sahib,
As promised, here is the female perspective. vaise yeh sher kuChh
hasb-e-haal bhii hai!
sar ho shaane pe tire, haath tire haatho.N mei.N
phir to raahat bhii ho kuChh rone aur rulaane mei.N
kahiiye, kaisaa Khyaal hai?
_______________Zoya
Roshan
It is after a hiatus of about 3 years that I started reading ALUP
again. And found myself right in the middle of the "abHI Ghazal javAn
haE" series - a very interesting and exciting concept (and I plan to
make full use of it! :)
For the current run, UVR Sb and Irfan Sb, permit me to contribute the
one She`r below. Please do forgive my fledgeling attempts: I'm afraid
my efforts are largely amateurish, and at times very cryptic, for I'm
still grappling with grammatical and idiomatic usages. But, I'm hoping
to learn as we go by ... !
I've used the word "KhwAb" to connotate sleep. Suggestions and
criticisms eagerly solicited!
kHulI nigeh me.n ziyA tAknE k(A) zarf kahA.n?
kuChH aOr zaOq-e tasallI hae KhwAb lAnE mE.n
Also, for academic sake, I would very much like ALUPers to comment on
the following aSh`Ar in the same zamIn.
1.
ba_rU-ye rAh-e muhabbat ChalA hae jO, yArabb!
voH ik sitAraH-ye raOShan rahA zamAnE mE.n!
2. In the second misra` below, is the compound "siyAh_KhAnaH-ye dil"
(simultaneous use of hindii and fArsI modifiers) legal?
ziyA-ye husn hae voh ShaE, jo kAm AtI haE
siyAh_KhAnaH-ye dil kA diyA jalAnE mE.n
3.
na pUChH mujHse nazAkat but-E sitamgar kI;
hu'A hae ChUr, mirE ik nazar uTHAnE mE.n
4. I'm not particularly fond of the following one .. but here goes ...
vafA-e aehd peH bA.ndHI hae zindagI hamnE
na `uzr lA'e sanam ab ko'I nibHAnE mE.n
thanks and regards,
rosh
Irfan 'Abid'
>
> > > tire shabaab ki garmee, mire havas kii tapish
> > > mile bhi haiN kabhi to mera dil jalaane meN
> > >
> doosre misre meN "mile" ka matlab "met" ya "get together" leejiye.
>
> Khayaal kucch yooN hai:
> 'tira shabaab' aur 'miri havas' hamesha ek doosre se door rahte haiN; na kabhi qareeb
> aakar mile haiN, aur na hi unke milne ki ummeed hai. haaN, magar dono ne saath saath
> milkar aksar mera dil jalaaya hai; kyoNki ye dil jalaane ka kaam un meN se kisi ek ke
> bas ki baat naheeN hai.
>
> doosraa misra yooN paRh sakte haiN: "meraa dil jalaane ke kaam meN dono mile haiN,
> varna ek-doosre se kabhi naheeN milte."
>
> Vasmi
>
Vasmi Sb, aadaab!
aap kii tashriih ba.Ghaur paRhii. aap ne koshish achchii kii hai,
lekin meraa Khayaal hai ki sher meN vo baat nahiiN aa sakii jo
chaahiye aur jis kii aap jaise shaair se tavaqqo muhaal bhii nahiiN.
aap sher ke Khayaal par nazar-e-saanii kareN to mahsuus kareNge ki
:mile: ke jo maanii aap ke zahn meN the us ke hisaab se :jalaane meN:
nahiiN, balki :jalaane ke liye: kaa mahal hai. yaanii aap kahnaa chaah
rahe haiN ki :shabaab kii garmii aur havas kii tapish agar kabhii mile
to sirf meraa dil jalaane KE LIYE:. :meN: usii suurat meN jaaiz thaa
jab ye mulaaqaat kisii :jagah: par hotii aur vo jagah :confined:
hotii, jaise jism, jigar vaGhairah. agar baar-e-Khaatir par naa.gavaar
na guzre to sher meN tarmeem kar ke kuchh bahtarii laane kii koshish
kar liijiye. mujhe ummeed hii nahiiN, yaqiin hai ki aap ye kaam kar
sakte haiN.
lage haath ek do cheezoN kii jaanib aur ishaaraa kartaa chaluuN. agar
aap ke Khayaal ko qaabil-e-qubuul tasleem kar bhii liyaa jaaye, to
misraa-e-saanii kii saaKht meN kuchh bahtarii darkaar hai. maujuudah
suurat meN avval to :kabhii: kaa aaKhirii vowel short ho rahaa hai, jo
Ghalat to nahiiN, lekin ravaanii meN Khalal Daaaltaa hai. doem is
misre meN alfaaz kii tarteeb bahut muassar nahiiN. is misre ko yuuN
kahaa jaaye to ravaanii aur sheriyyat paidaa hotii haiN: mile kabhii
to mile meraa dil jalaane meN.
duusrii cheez ye ki jaisaa UVR Sb ne apne haaliyah Khat meN farmaayaa
hai, :havas: muannas hai, lihaazah pahle misre meN :mire: kii jagah
:mirii: chaahiye. mere zahn meN ye nuktaa thaa, lekin duusre misre par
tavajjah ke chakkar meN is par tazkirah rah gayaa.
niyaazmand,
Irfan :Abid:
Yogesh Sethi
> ...
> Khataa thii kaun sii jis kii milii sazaa mujh ko
> tabiib hai miraa shaamil mujhe sataane meN
>
> nazar aatii haiN, jin kaa maiN uupar zikr kar chukaa huuN.
>
> Irfan :Abid:
Irfan Sahib, aadaab:
Thank you for the review. It becomes hard to concentrate on
'ba.ndish' in a couplet if the doubts about the meter keep on
intruding. I did frame some of the lines to seek clarity on the meter.
The answers that were found in this series have helped resolve many a
doubts and I thank you for that. Here is a fresh idea that seems
appealing and I hope it also meets the imperatives of the meter:
qafas se kyaa dete ho ab rihaaii pa.nchhii ko
ye kaaTe par hai.n na-qaabil use u.Daane me.n
A question: Is the following alternate construction of the 2nd line in
meter? And does it have a better flow?
ye kaaTe par nahii.n qaabil use u.Daane me.n
As to the previous efforts, I think this might resolve the issue:
Khataa thii kaun sii jis kii milii sazaa mujh ko
raqiib ko vo le aayaa mujhe sataane me.n
Thank you very much for your help and I look forward to your comments.
Regards,
Yogesh
Zoya
kyo.Nke maine yeh sher likh nahii.N rakhaa thaa, sirf sochaa thaa, to
post karte vaqt mai.N_ne duusraa misraa zaraa saa badal diyaa thaa. ab
ise dobaaraa pa.Dh rahii huu.N to lagtaa hai ke tho.Dhaa out of behr
jaa rahaa hai. So let me tell you what I was orginally thinking, then
you be the judge.
sar ho shaane pe tire, haath tire haatho.N mei.N,
phir to raahat bhii mile rone mei.N, rulaane mei.N
________________Zoya
Irfan 'Abid'
Swamiji, aadaab!
aaiye, aaiye! bhaaii, aap ne to itne nageenee inaayat kar diye haiN ki
mere liye intiKhaab mushkil ho gayaa. aap ijaazat deN to Ghazal meN
shumuuliyat aur tafsiilii tabsire ke liye maiN apnii pasand se ek sher
chun luuN. baqiyah ash.aar par mufassil guftuguu kii bajaaye main un
ash.aar ke sirf badal darj kar rahaa huuN. farq par aap Khud Ghaur kar
liijiyegaa.
maiN kaafii Ghaur-o-fikr ke baad is nateeje par puNhchaa huuN ki aap
kaa sher #3 hamaarii Ghazal ke liye munaasib rahegaa. diigar ash.aar
merii naachiiz raae meN ek numaayaaN tarmeem ke baGhair
qaabile-e-qubuul suurat iKhtiyaar nahiiN kar paayeNge, aur mujhe
Khadshah hai ki aisii tarmeem ke baad ye ash.aar :aap ke: nahiiN
raheNge. Your sher #3 has two distinctions. First, it is one of only
two ash.aar (along with #4) that are in bahr. Second, it perhaps has
the most coherent and clearest thought in it. bas ek kamii nazar aatii
hai is meN. :mataa-e-jaaN luT jaane: (yaanii mar jaane) ke baad :hosh
aanaa: kuchh be.maanii saa lagtaa hai. maiN chaahtaa thaa ki is pahluu
kii durustii ke liye aap ko kuchh ishaaraa duuN, lekin ye kaam zaraa
mushkil hai kyoNki koii bhii ishaaraa Khud sher ke badal se ziyaadah
muKhtalif nahiin hogaa. lihaazah sher kii ye suurat dekhiye.
mataa-e-jaaN bhii luTe to qubuul hai ham ko
sazaa kii fikr nahiiN tum se dil lagaane meN
(Please note that the correct pronunciation is :fikr: and not :fiqr:)
aur ab aap ke diigar ash.aar par ek nazar Daalte haiN. jaisaa maiN ne
arz kiyaa, main sirf in ke vo badal darj kar rahaa huN jo mere zahn se
baraamad ho sake haiN. ummeed hai tajziyah aap ke liye mushkil nahiiN
hogaa.
ajab mazaa hai nigaahoN kaa teer khaane meN
usii ke aish haiN jo aa gayaa nishaane meN
(Please note that :nishaane par: is the correct usage, but in my
humble opinion, :nishaane meN: can be tolerated)
tumhaaraa husn ho aur meraa ishq-e-sajdahvaar
kaTii hai umr yahii aarzoo miTaane meN
jamaal-e-yaar kii raanaaiyoN pe maiN sadqe
ki is jamaal kaa saanii nahiiN zamaane meN
hujuum-e-Gham ne kiyaa salb har masarrat ko
to kaise noor ho dil ke siyaah.Khaane meN!
niyaazmand,
Irfan :Abid:
Irfan 'Abid'
Zoya Sahiba, aadaab!
sab se pahle to maiN apnii be.intahaa masarrat kaa izhaar karnaa
chahuuNgaa ki aap bazm kii sargarmiyoN men ek martabaa phir shaamil
haiN. merii ummeed aur duaa hai ki ab is silsile meN aap ko koii
mushkil pesh na aaye!
aap kaa sher dekhaa. hameshaa kii tarah aap ek baRaa dilkash Khayaal
le kar aayii haiN, aur is ke liye aap ko daad milnii chaahiye. taaham
bahr ke muaamile meN aap se zaraa sii chuuk ho gayii. aap be.Khayaalii
meN ek aisii bahr meN taba.aazmaayii kar gayiiN jo hamaarii Ghazal kii
bahr se muKhtalif hai. In the second misra, even that :other: bahr got
screwed up a little bit! merii aap se aajizaanaa guzaarish hai ki jis
bahr kaa ta.ayyun kiyaa gayaa hai, us par nazar-e-saanii kareN aur
phir us meN ek sher tarteeb deN. aap kii aglii koshish kaa intizaar
rahegaa.
niyaazmand,
Irfan :Abid:
p k swami
Being inspired by the current series, i have submitted the result of
my efforts. since it is first of its kind in a way, i look
forward to receive guidance from Alupers including masters like
Messers Sarwar, Irfan Abid, UVR and of course Sri Raj Kumarji.Help from
any quarter is welcome.This may provide encouragement for future.
Regards.
PK Swami
Vasmi Abidi
Irfaan Saahib,
aadaab.
she'r par mazeed raye deneN ka bahut shukriya!
mujhe lagtaa hai ki she'r ki yeh shakl:
"tire shabaab ki garmee, mirii havas ki tapish
agar mile bhi haiN to mera dil jalaane KO"
aap qaabil.e.qubool samajhte.
magar zaahir hai k ye maujoodah Ghazal ka naheeN hai.
to ye rahee meri doosree koshish:
"tire shabaab ki garmee, mirii havas ki tapish
shareek donoN huwe mera dil jalaane meN"
Khaaksaar,
Vasmi
UVR
Swami-ji, namaste.
I feel highly honored to see you speak of me in the same breath as
these very experienced and able ALUPers. I thank you profusely for
your kind words ... but, with all due respect, I must state that I
am not worthy of this honor -- for these other gentlemen possess a
far, far greater quantity (and quality) of poetic wisdom than I.
Irfan saahib, our judge for this episode, has made his comments on
the ash'aar you submitted. I am sure you will find them interesting
and encouraging.
I thank you for your participation in this episode and hope you
will continue to grace the forthcoming episodes with your presence
too!
-UVR.
Abhay Phadnis
Here's an attempt. I lay no claim to poet-hood; it's just that the matlaa
given by you suggested some possibilities that seemed to correspond to my
state(s) of mind over the past few days. Here's the result, for what it's
worth!! Would be interested in hearing your - and the other expert
ALUPers' - opinions / criticism / suggestions!
qafas me.n chain milaa hai na aashiyaane me.n
tamaam 'umr bhaTakate rahe zamaane me.n
jab aaye to thii zid yahaa.N se naa laute.n
ab aur der gawaaraa nahii.n hai jaane me.n
subah ko jo musaafir milaa thaa chaukhaT par
hu_ii hai shaam use raastaa dikhaane me.n
kiyaa thaa rab ne kisii din ye qaul is dil se
ki dil kisiikaa na TuuTegaa ab zamaane me.n
utar ke paar nadii ke milii nahii.n ma.nzil
kise pataa thaa ki ma.nzil hai Duub jaane me.n
udhar nazar kii kamii hai idhar nazzaaro.n kii
ye farq hai unake mere Thikaane me.n
Warm regards,
Abhay
UVR
>
> Hello All,
>
> It is after a hiatus of about 3 years that I started reading ALUP
> again. And found myself right in the middle of the "abHI Ghazal javAn
> haE" series - a very interesting and exciting concept (and I plan to
> make full use of it! :)
>
> For the current run, UVR Sb and Irfan Sb, permit me to contribute the
> one She`r below. Please do forgive my fledgeling attempts: I'm afraid
> my efforts are largely amateurish, and at times very cryptic, for I'm
> still grappling with grammatical and idiomatic usages. But, I'm hoping
> to learn as we go by ... !
Roshan saahib!
Thank you for your entry and RE-entry :) It really is a pleasure
to see this series bring old-timers back to ALUP!
> I've used the word "KhwAb" to connotate sleep. Suggestions and
> criticisms eagerly solicited!
>
> kHulI nigeh me.n ziyA tAknE k(A) zarf kahA.n?
> kuChH aOr zaOq-e tasallI hae KhwAb lAnE mE.n
It is for Irfan saahib to put a stamp of approval (or otherwise)
on your submission. However, if you allow me, I'd like to say
that I found the couplets listed below as #2 and 3 a little more
interesting than your submission sh'er. Also, since you've asked
for it [;)], I have a few comments on your ash'aar below. Please
do NOT treat these as 'criticism' as they are not intended to be
that. Rather, these are just some thoughts that came to my mind
as I read your ash'aar. I just thought you might like to hear
a "listener's" perspective.
> Also, for academic sake, I would very much like ALUPers to comment on
> the following aSh`Ar in the same zamIn.
>
> 1.
> ba_rU-ye rAh-e muhabbat ChalA hae jO, yArabb!
> voH ik sitAraH-ye raOShan rahA zamAnE mE.n!
It appears that you are saying either this
- he who walked, O Lord, towards the path of Love,
[has] remained a bright star in this world
or this
- he who walks, O Lord, towards the path of Love,
remains, in this world, a bright star
However, it is not clear how one can become or remain a bright
star by simply walking "towards" the path of Love. One might
achieve this by walking ON the path of Love, though. Also, the
connection between "a bright star" and Love is a little nebulous,
don't you think? Perhaps I am missing something critical in the
couplet that is preventing me from "seeing" it.
> 2. In the second misra` below, is the compound "siyAh_KhAnaH-ye dil"
> (simultaneous use of hindii and fArsI modifiers) legal?
>
> ziyA-ye husn hae voh ShaE, jo kAm AtI haE
> siyAh_KhAnaH-ye dil kA diyA jalAnE mE.n
I like the thought behind this sh'er very much! The idea that
beauty is a flame that can light the lamp of the heart is very,
very picturesque. I think, however, that "ziyaa" translates
better as 'brightness' rather than 'flame' -- and brightness
cannot light a lamp. Or can it?
> 3.
> na pUChH mujHse nazAkat but-E sitamgar kI;
> hu'A hae ChUr, mirE ik nazar uTHAnE mE.n
waah! If I were to pick the thought I liked the best amongst
all your ash'aar, this would be it! I specifically liked the
interplay of the literal and figurative meanings of "but" in
this idea.
> 4. I'm not particularly fond of the following one .. but here goes ...
>
> vafA-e aehd peH bA.ndHI hae zindagI hamnE
> na `uzr lA'e sanam ab ko'I nibHAnE mE.n
Isn't "wafaa-e-ahd" (keeping of the promise) a rather uncommon
phrase? Perhaps that is why you have used it here. "zindagi
baaNdhnaa" is another phrase which I don't recall having seen
employed heretofore. It is obvious that you're trying to say:
"My life depends on [my beloved] keeping [his/her] promise. I
hope s/he does not delay even a little bit in coming through
[with his/her word]." The 'promise/word' is, perhaps, of 'wasl'
or may be even simply of 'deed/jhalak'? Despite the palpability
of the idea, I somehow get a feeling that you yourself feel you
have not "completed" this sh'er ...
> thanks and regards,
> rosh
-UVR.
UVR
Dear Abhay:
What a pleasant surprise! It is great to see you join our exercise!
I hope we will see more active participation from you elsewhere on
ALUP, too.
I am happy to see you submitting a "full" Ghazal. Per the rules of
this game, however, only one sh'er per participant can be accepted.
It will be nice if you could specify the one sh'er you would like
Irfan 'Abid' saahib, our judge, to consider for this episode. It
will make his task easier. You could then *separately* post your
full Ghazal -- including the sh'er "borrowed" by this episode --
for detailed comments and suggestions from all ALUPers. Does this
sound reasonable?
May I be so bold as to try to influence your choice of sh'er? :)
I like the second one and the last one. I think that with a minor
modification, both could conform to the behr in consideration.
E.g., in the last one. "ye farq hai --> yahii hai farq"? I like
the thought in the 'nadii'-vaalaa sh'er, too; it is also already
fully behr-compliant.
The final choice, of course, rests with you.
ZimbLy,
UVR.
Abhay Phadnis
modification for behr (I hope it's okay now!):
udhar nazar kii kamii hai idhar nazzaaro.n kii
yahii hai farq tumhaare mere Thikaane me.n
Warm regards,
Abhay
"UVR" <u...@usa.not> wrote in message news:3D6091CE...@usa.not...
Zoya
>
> sab se pahle to maiN apnii be.intahaa masarrat kaa izhaar karnaa
> chahuuNgaa ki aap bazm kii sargarmiyoN men ek martabaa phir shaamil
> haiN. merii ummeed aur duaa hai ki ab is silsile meN aap ko koii
> mushkil pesh na aaye!
>
> aap kaa sher dekhaa. hameshaa kii tarah aap ek baRaa dilkash Khayaal
> le kar aayii haiN, aur is ke liye aap ko daad milnii chaahiye. taaham
> bahr ke muaamile meN aap se zaraa sii chuuk ho gayii. aap be.Khayaalii
> meN ek aisii bahr meN taba.aazmaayii kar gayiiN jo hamaarii Ghazal kii
> bahr se muKhtalif hai. In the second misra, even that :other: bahr got
> screwed up a little bit! merii aap se aajizaanaa guzaarish hai ki jis
> bahr kaa ta.ayyun kiyaa gayaa hai, us par nazar-e-saanii kareN aur
> phir us meN ek sher tarteeb deN. aap kii aglii koshish kaa intizaar
> rahegaa.
>
> niyaazmand,
> Irfan :Abid:
Irfan Sahib,
jab mai.N_ne yeh sher sochaa, to mere zehn mei.N shaayad Firaq
Gorakhpuri Sahib kii ek ghazal thii. duusre misre ke vazn kaa to mujhe
Khud hii ehsaas ho gayaa thaa, hopefully it has been taken care of in
my follow up post, at least to fit my chosen behr!
Honestly, I am still too distracted to work on this any more, if you
or UVR Sahib can fix it slightly to fit the current behr, please feel
free, I will go along with your suggestions. nahii.N to phir ise hold
par Daal dete hai.N and maybe on a good day, I will compose a complete
ghazal to go along with this sher. It was fun anyway, and I agree idea
dil_kash hai, almost visual hai!! And to quote Zaf Sahib, vaqiiaatii
shayarii kaa ek namuunaa hai!!
Bye for now,
__________________Zoya
Irfan 'Abid'
Vasmi Sb, aadaab!
aap ke sher kii ye suurat munaasib hai aur aap ke bunyaadii Khayaal ko
saalim bhii rakhtii hai. mubaarakbaad!
niyaazmand,
Irfan :Abid:
Irfan 'Abid'
>
> Irfan Sahib, aadaab:
>
> Thank you for the review. It becomes hard to concentrate on
> 'ba.ndish' in a couplet if the doubts about the meter keep on
> intruding. I did frame some of the lines to seek clarity on the meter.
> The answers that were found in this series have helped resolve many a
> doubts and I thank you for that. Here is a fresh idea that seems
> appealing and I hope it also meets the imperatives of the meter:
>
> qafas se kyaa dete ho ab rihaaii pa.nchhii ko
> ye kaaTe par hai.n na-qaabil use u.Daane me.n
>
> A question: Is the following alternate construction of the 2nd line in
> meter? And does it have a better flow?
>
> ye kaaTe par nahii.n qaabil use u.Daane me.n
>
Yogesh Sb, aadaab!
aap kii ye nayii koshish achchhii bhalii hai. pahlaa misra bahr meN
nahiiN hai, aur alfaaz kii tarteeb meNmaamuulii pher badal se Thiik ho
saktaa hai. duusre misre meN bahr bhii :na.qaabil: par aTaktii hai
(correct version :naa.qaabil:), aur do kamiyaaN aur haiN. ek to
:kaaTe: kaa muqaam nahiiN hai, :kaTe: kaa hai. duusre naa.qaabil ke
saath :uRaane KE: aanaa chaahiye, :uRaane meN: nahiiN. This second
point also applies to the alternative version of the second misraa
that you have posted. vaise ek baat aur arz kar duuN ki
lafz-e-:naa.qaabil: kaa istemaal maiN ne hameshaa murakkab (compound)
shakl meN dekhaa hai jaise :naa.qaabil-e-parvaaz:. is sher ko aap
kuchh yuuN kah sakte haiN.
qafas se dete ho kyaa ab rihaaii panchhii ko
ye par kaTe hue naa.kaam haiN uRaane meN
> As to the previous efforts, I think this might resolve the issue:
>
> Khataa thii kaun sii jis kii milii sazaa mujh ko
> raqiib ko vo le aayaa mujhe sataane me.n
>
> Thank you very much for your help and I look forward to your comments.
>
> Regards,
> Yogesh
duusre misre kii ye shakl bahr meN to kahii jaa saktii hai, lekin
zabaan ke lihaaz se misraa Thiik nahiiN. maiN ne apne guzishtah Khat
meN jo jumlaa aap ko diyaa thaa, us ke alfaaz ko rearrange kar ke aap
duusraa misraa kah sakte haiN. yaanii sher kuchh yuuN hogaa.
Khataa thii kaun sii jis kii milii sazaa mujh ko
naseeb kaahe lagaa hai mujhe sataane meN
niyaazmand,
Irfan :Abid:
Irfan 'Abid'
> Thanks for the inputs, Ravindra! Here's the one I like, with some
> modification for behr (I hope it's okay now!):
>
> udhar nazar kii kamii hai idhar nazzaaro.n kii
> yahii hai farq tumhaare mere Thikaane me.n
>
> Warm regards,
> Abhay
>
Abhay Sb, aadaab!
is mahfil aur is mashGhale meN aap kaa Khair.mqdam hai! aap kaa sher
nihaayat umdah hai aur pasand aayaa! sher bahr meN to hai hii, Khayaal
ke lihaaz se bhii qaabil-e-daad hai! mubaarakbaad! ek do maamuulii
nuktoN kii taraf ishaaraa kartaa chaluuN. lafz-e-:nazzaaroN: (jo ki
Ghalat nahiiN hai) ko yahaaN :nazaaroN: likhiye (which is another
acceptable form of this word). :mere: ko yahaaN :mire: likhaa jaanaa
chaahiye. And finally, a very fine point. Ideally it should be
:ThikaanoN: instead of :Thikaane:, but this much of a difference is
OK.
niyaazmand,
Irfan :Abid:
Irfan 'Abid'
>
> jab mai.N_ne yeh sher sochaa, to mere zehn mei.N shaayad Firaq
> Gorakhpuri Sahib kii ek ghazal thii. duusre misre ke vazn kaa to mujhe
> Khud hii ehsaas ho gayaa thaa, hopefully it has been taken care of in
> my follow up post, at least to fit my chosen behr!
>
> Honestly, I am still too distracted to work on this any more, if you
> or UVR Sahib can fix it slightly to fit the current behr, please feel
> free, I will go along with your suggestions. nahii.N to phir ise hold
> par Daal dete hai.N and maybe on a good day, I will compose a complete
> ghazal to go along with this sher. It was fun anyway, and I agree idea
> dil_kash hai, almost visual hai!! And to quote Zaf Sahib, vaqiiaatii
> shayarii kaa ek namuunaa hai!!
>
> Bye for now,
>
> __________________Zoya
Zoya Sahiba, aadaab!
ye jaan kar afsos huaa ki aap ke haalaat aap ko mazeed kaar.ravaaii
kii ijaazat nahiiN dete. maiN UVR Sb se guzaarish kartaa huuN ki apnii
sherii salaahiyaat ko kaam meN laayeN aur aap ke sher ko koii munaasib
shakl ataa karne meN hamaarii madad kareN, taaki Ghazal meN aap kii
shirkat ho sake.
niyaazmand,
Irfan :Abid:
Abhay Phadnis
Thank you for the kind words and for the valuable suggestions. I did realise
that it should be "Thikaano.n", but decided "Thikaane.n" would do for the
purpose of the sher - glad you found it acceptable! :) I used to try my hand
at some 'versification' (it would be too ambitious to call it poetry!) years
ago, but had given up; this series sparked off an interest in it again.
Thanks to you and to Ravindra for starting this!
To re-write the sher with your corrections:
udhar nazar kii kamii hai idhat nazaaro.n kii
yahii hai farq tumhaare mire Thikaane me.n
Warm regards,
Abhay
"Irfan 'Abid'" <i_a...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:632bac0b.02081...@posting.google.com...
Roshan
well after 24 hours. Apologies if you receive it twice.
-----------------
"UVR" <u...@usa.not> wrote in message news:3D608D78...@usa.not...
> Roshan saahib!
>
> Thank you for your entry and RE-entry :) It really is a pleasure
> to see this series bring old-timers back to ALUP!
Many Thanks are due to you too, UVR Sb, for your patience in going
through my inordinately long mail and taking time to comment on them.
I had been without newsgroup access for far too long (too lazy to go
to google and look groups up). It feels great to be back in
'circulation' :)
> Please do NOT treat these as 'criticism' as they are not intended to be
> that. Rather, these are just some thoughts that came to my mind
> as I read your ash'aar. I just thought you might like to hear
> a "listener's" perspective.
I would be equally pleased to hear your criticisms too! Believe me, I
will never take it otherwise - it is always an opportunity to learn!
[Brings to my mind one of my english teachers' stance on this. She
used to say "criticism" is a wrong word and should never be used
(except reflexively). Instead, she was in favour of using the phrase
"constructive feedback"!]
I've my responses below. However, my personal stance is that if a
She`r needs explanation then the whole act of 'stitching and
unstitching it has come to naught' (which english poet wrote those
words? Tennyson?) ... That leaves only #3 unscathed :)
> > 1.
> > ba_rU-ye rAh-e muhabbat ChalA hae jO, yArabb!
> > voH ik sitAraH-ye raOShan rahA zamAnE mE.n!
>
[snip]
>
> However, it is not clear how one can become or remain a bright
> star by simply walking "towards" the path of Love. One might
> achieve this by walking ON the path of Love, though. Also, the
> connection between "a bright star" and Love is a little nebulous,
> don't you think? Perhaps I am missing something critical in the
> couplet that is preventing me from "seeing" it.
Here is where I wish I knew fArsI :) I was under the impression that
ba_rU-ye also carries the connotation of "on". Perhaps not. You are
right that the connection between the lines is "nebulous" (what a
choice of a word! when talking about a star). There are too many
parallels that I had wished to convey [stars are bright and burning -
rather like an `AShiq :) ; stars act as guides for others to 'follow';
etc.]. But ultimately the lines are flawed!
> > 2. In the second misra` below, is the compound "siyAh_KhAnaH-ye dil"
> > (simultaneous use of hindii and fArsI modifiers) legal?
> >
> > ziyA-ye husn hae voh ShaE, jo kAm AtI haE
> > siyAh_KhAnaH-ye dil kA diyA jalAnE mE.n
>
> I like the thought behind this sh'er very much! The idea that
> beauty is a flame that can light the lamp of the heart is very,
> very picturesque. I think, however, that "ziyaa" translates
> better as 'brightness' rather than 'flame' -- and brightness
> cannot light a lamp. Or can it?
Thank you for your appreciation. ziyA (or resplendence as I wish to
term it) cannot light a lamp. But the implicit 'hyperbole' that I
intending to convey was "think of the power that the flame possesses;
its mere splendour can light up [the lamp of] our heart". Mebbe the
whole concept is unidiomatic ...
Ofcourse, the askew reference via ziyA-ye husn is to the creator; and
diyA to represent the life force within. Without creation this
'universe' would be a dark lifeless place indeed ...
> > 3.
> > na pUChH mujHse nazAkat but-E sitamgar kI;
> > hu'A hae ChUr, mirE ik nazar uTHAnE mE.n
>
>
> waah! If I were to pick the thought I liked the best amongst
> all your ash'aar, this would be it! I specifically liked the
> interplay of the literal and figurative meanings of "but" in
> this idea.
Thank you very much! It has taken me three years to get this idea into
proper words. And I *still* think something is missing! :) But I'm
glad you liked it. I specifically put in word-play (nazar uTHAnA) and
hoped that it would mean "to gaze upon" in addition to the idiom
"rebellion". Someday I'll probably be able to state it to perfection
...
> > 4. I'm not particularly fond of the following one .. but here goes
...
> >
> > vafA-e aehd peH bA.ndHI hae zindagI hamnE
> > na `uzr lA'e sanam ab ko'I nibHAnE mE.n
>
> Isn't "wafaa-e-ahd" (keeping of the promise) a rather uncommon
> phrase? Perhaps that is why you have used it here. "zindagi
> baaNdhnaa" is another phrase which I don't recall having seen
> employed heretofore. [snip]
Yes, best not to talk about this one at all! I also hate the syllabic
construction of the second line particularly ...
roshan
Roshan
well after 24 hours. Apologies if you receive it twice.
-----------------
At the risk of 'polluting' this thread, I wish to present some other
She`rs that I thought of in the meantime. These are *NOT* meant to be
entries in this 'episode'. If it is not too much of a bother, I would
very much like to ask for comments (on the legalities of idiomatic
constructions, imageries, etc.). It would mean a lot.
The "abHI Ghazal javAn haE" series has been very profitable - it has
made me think quite a bit and helped me recover my slowly slipping
grasp on urdU .... Thank you ALUP for that!
5.
KhayAl-e pAs-e vafA tak nahI.n unHE, yArabb!
buland `arSh-e vafA tHE jo ik zamAnE mE.n!
[or use "kisI" instead of "jo ik"?]
6. My truly ridiculous attempt to connect the "qadd-o gEsU" with the
"rasan-O dAr". Would anyone know if the use of pESh_az is correct?
Also, the first line has a terrible disconnect. Someday I hope to get
this right ...
nikal ga'E mere armAn qadd-o gEsU kE!
hae.n pESh_az rasan-O dAr qaEdKhAnE mE.n!
7. A poor matla`. The redundant "keH" in the first misra` is
distracting (mebbe even wrong). And the second misra` is replete with
'terminated' final long vowels.
keH jitni lazzat uTHAtE hae.n ham manAnE mE.n,
uTHA'e utni hi voh pHirse rUTH jAnE mE.n!
many thnx!
rosh
UVR
Irfan saahib,
waah, janaab! aap mazaaq to bahut achchhaa kar lete haiN! "sherii
salaahiyat" aur mujh meN? -- ROTFL! ... waise jo adaa aap ne apnaayi
hai, use hamaare 'haaN "patli galii se *khasak* lenaa" kahte haiN :))
Zoya-ji,
buraa na manaayeN to mujhe is daf'a m'uaaf rakheN: maiN aap ke sh'er
ko "sudhaarne" se haath khaiNch rahaa hooN -- kyoN k yeh sh'er aap ke
dil kii aawaaz hai, lafzoN ko 'aiNwe-hi' joR-toR kar kheNchi gayi koi
tahreeri tasweer naheeN (meraa matlab yeh nahiN k aap pehle 'aiNwe-hi'
ki shaa'iri kiya karti theeN!). Dar rahaa hooN k mere kuchh bhi karne
se aap ke sh'er meN mere apne Khayaalaat kii buu na paR jaaye! phir to
na sh'er aap ka rahega, na hi tasawwur! :(
haaN, aap ki sahoolat ke liye maiN ne aap ke pehle misr'e meN maamooli
tarmeem kar ke, use is 'episode' kii behr meN laane ki koshish kii hai.
agar tarmeem-shuda misr'a aap ko manzoor ho, to us meN apni pasand kaa
koi doosraa misr'a joR leN aur sh'er kah leN.
aap kaa sh'er:
> > sar ho shaane pe tire, haath tire haatho.N mei.N,
> > phir to raahat bhii mile rone mei.N, rulaane mei.N
pehle misr'e ko yooN kaheN:
ho tere shaane pe sar, haath tere haathoN meN
to meraa Khayaal hai k ise "har Ek baat pe kahte ho tum k tuu kyaa hai"
kii behr meN paRhaa jaa saktaa hai (not sure what it does to the 'flow'
aspect of the sh'er, though. Only people like Irfan saahib/RK saahib
can comment on that).
Khaaksaar,
-UVR.
Sarvjit Goraya
> > > ==========================
> > > Deadline: August 31, 2002
> > >
> > This learner submits the following she'r:
> >
> > tere sitam ka sabab hai ki meri zindadilee
> > mazaa ajeeb hai gham kha ke muskrane mei.n
> >
> > Regards
> > Sarvjit Goraya
>
> Sarvjitji, aadaab!
>
> is :saajhaa sarkaar: meN aap kaa Khair.maqdam kartaa huuN! aap kaa
> sher dekhaa. bhaaii, vaah! bahut Khuub! sab se pahle to is baat par
> daad qubuul kiijiye ki donoN misre bar.vazn haiN (ba.sharte :tere: ko
> :tire: likhaa jaaye). sher Khuub hai, lekin bahtar banaayaa jaa saktaa
> hai. mundarjah zail baatoN par aap kii tavajjah chaahtaa huuN.
>
> 1. yahaaN :sabab: kaa mahal nahiiN hai. aap Ghaaliban :asar: kahnaa
> chaah rahe haiN.
>
> 2. sher yuuN to Thiik Thaak lagtaa hai, lekin ba.ghaur dekheN to is
> meN kahiiN ek :missing link: kaa ahsaas hotaa hai. avval to sitam kii
> :vajh: se muskuraanaa zaraa mashkook hai. doem (and this is the main
> point) muskuraanaa Khud maze kii alaamat (indication) hai. muskuraane
> :meN: mazaa aanaa qadre kamzor fiqraa hai.
>
> 3. merii naachiiz raae meN agar aap sher meN kuchh is tarah kii baat
> kaheN to asar paidaa ho saktaa hai: tere sitam ko merii zindah.dilii
> ye dikhaayegii ki maiN Gham paa kar bhii muskuraa saktaa huuN! I have
> something to this effect in mind, but I will wait for your next
> attempt.
>
> Good luck!
>
> niyaazmand,
> Irfan :Abid:
Abid Sahib,
Aadaab!
Thnaks for hints and guidance, as you know I fast run out of
vocabulary to capture my thoughts, let alone you excellent ideas. In
my previous she'r the verb 'muskarana' applied to 'gham kha ke' which
in my opinion describes the predicament of often-rejected lover.
However, following your suggestions, I could only muster:
tire sitam se to baDhti hai meri zindadili
zaba-e-ishaq hai Gham kha ke muskraane me.n
Obviously, I have 'lifted' zabaa from dictionary without any
experience of usage. I mean 'the act of Gham kha ke muskraana' is an
honour, dedication, offering etc. for Ishaq. Can you suggest a better
word!
Regards
Sarvjit
p k swami
aapkaa tabsira aur tarmeem bohat hi khushgawar guzree hai.
main aapka mamnoon hooN k aapne meri awwal koshish ko ek muzbat
nazar se dekha aur meri hausala afzaai ki.the changes you have made
has transformed the beauty of expression and now the ashaar are rendered
coherent and meaningful and highly acceptable to both dil and dimaagh.
the following she.r should be seen as a as a mark of my respect to your expertise
in this respect:
bikhar kar toot kar sanNche meN dHalkar baat karte haiN
ye fankaari kaa johar hai k pathar baat karte haiN
mera dil filbadee taur pe aap ke liye kuch aur bhi kahnaa chahtaa hai. agar aap
behar ki paabandee se azad kareN aur khataa muaaf kareN to arz hai:
sajaa ke rakh di hai tumne zubaan ki lazzat
azab kuch luft hai paRh paRh ke muskurane meiN
chalte chalte,aapki ijaazat ho to, aapki taraf se ye kahaa kiyaa jaai k:
hawaaoN sharm karo apnaa sar uThaane meiN
k hamne aaNdhiyaaN paali haiN aashiyaane meiN
aur aapka inkisaar yooN kahe k:
taRap ne dard ki saare gumaan dho dale
yakeeN ki shakl yooN badli mere fasaane meiN
Kindly treat the above as an exercise only.
khaaksaar
PK Swami
Raj Kumar
> > >
> Zoya-ji,
>
> buraa na manaayeN to mujhe is daf'a m'uaaf rakheN: maiN aap ke sh'er
> ko "sudhaarne" se haath khaiNch rahaa hooN -- kyoN k yeh sh'er aap ke
> dil kii aawaaz hai, lafzoN ko 'aiNwe-hi' joR-toR kar kheNchi gayi koi
> tahreeri tasweer naheeN (meraa matlab yeh nahiN k aap pehle 'aiNwe-hi'
> ki shaa'iri kiya karti theeN!). Dar rahaa hooN k mere kuchh bhi karne
> se aap ke sh'er meN mere apne Khayaalaat kii buu na paR jaaye! phir to
> na sh'er aap ka rahega, na hi tasawwur! :(
>
> haaN, aap ki sahoolat ke liye maiN ne aap ke pehle misr'e meN maamooli
> tarmeem kar ke, use is 'episode' kii behr meN laane ki koshish kii hai.
> agar tarmeem-shuda misr'a aap ko manzoor ho, to us meN apni pasand kaa
> koi doosraa misr'a joR leN aur sh'er kah leN.
>
> aap kaa sh'er:
> > > sar ho shaane pe tire, haath tire haatho.N mei.N,
> > > phir to raahat bhii mile rone mei.N, rulaane mei.N
>
> pehle misr'e ko yooN kaheN:
>
> ho tere shaane pe sar, haath tere haathoN meN
>
> to meraa Khayaal hai k ise "har Ek baat pe kahte ho tum k tuu kyaa hai"
> kii behr meN paRhaa jaa saktaa hai (not sure what it does to the 'flow'
> aspect of the sh'er, though. Only people like Irfan saahib/RK saahib
> can comment on that).
>
Ravindra Saahib:
chooN-k aap ne yahaaN par mujh faqeer-e-be-taqseer ka naam sareehan
liya hai, is liye maiN ba-sad-ajz-o-inkesaar kuchh arz kiye deta hooN
--- varna, is laRi meiN, mera muKhil hona vaajib naheeN hai!
meri haqeer raaye meiN, aap Zoya Saahiba ke is she'r ko jooN ka tooN
rehne deN; voh agar chaaheN to ise kisi aur Ghazal meiN (doosre misre
ko bar-vazn kar ke) barat sakti haiN. fil-haal, voh apne beTe ki
dekh-bhaal meiN mustaGharq haiN. is liye, yihi behtar hai k, muravvija
silsile meiN, un ki shamooliyat ko agli qistoN par chhoR diyaa jaaye!
meri is raaye ki kayee vajaheN haiN --- aek to yeh k un ka bheja hua
she'r kisi aur baihr meiN hai. aap ne thoRi-bahut araq-rezi kar ke is
she'r ke aek misre ko apni mujavviza baihr meiN Dhaal liya hai;
albatta, doosra misra abhi bhi vaheeN ka vaheeN hai.
doosri baat yeh k hamaare esaateza is baat ki ijaazat naheeN dete k
kisi bhi she'r meiN, jo k Ghazal ka matla' naheeN hai, us Ghazal ki
radeef ka ist'emaal kiya jaaye! aap dekheN ge k, mut'alliqa she'r
meiN, radeef "meiN" dono misroN meiN aa rahi hai, jab k in misroN meiN
radeef se pehle aane vaale alfaaz "ham-qaafiya" naheeN haiN! goya, yeh
she'r kisi Ghazal ka matla' naheeN ho sakta --- aur agar matla naheeN
hai to phir radeef ko dono misroN meiN baratna jaa'iz naheeN hai.
I am sure, Zoya Saahiba will understand my point!
Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar
Irfan 'Abid'
> Hello All,
>
> It is after a hiatus of about 3 years that I started reading ALUP
> again. And found myself right in the middle of the "abHI Ghazal javAn
> haE" series - a very interesting and exciting concept (and I plan to
> make full use of it! :)
>
> For the current run, UVR Sb and Irfan Sb, permit me to contribute the
> one She`r below. Please do forgive my fledgeling attempts: I'm afraid
> my efforts are largely amateurish, and at times very cryptic, for I'm
> still grappling with grammatical and idiomatic usages. But, I'm hoping
> to learn as we go by ... !
>
>
Roshan Sb, aadaab!
It is so heartening to know that this humble attempt of ours was able
to bring you back from a three year long hybernation. Welcome back! I
am delighted to have you here.
It appears that you are used to a scheme of transliteration that is
somewhat different from what we use here. I, too, use this generally
practiced scheme. Probably that is why your post seemed like one in
Russian to me. :-) If you don.t mind, I would like to use my
transliteration in my reply. Please bear with me. I will restrict my
comments to your :official entry: for now. Time permitting, I might
come back with comments on your other ash.aar.
> I've used the word "KhwAb" to connotate sleep. Suggestions and
> criticisms eagerly solicited!
>
> kHulI nigeh me.n ziyA tAknE k(A) zarf kahA.n?
> kuChH aOr zaOq-e tasallI hae KhwAb lAnE mE.n
>
One look at your sher tells that you don.t have problems with the bahr
and I must commend you for that. However, one can notice issues with
the language, if not the thought, in this sher. Please note the
following.
1. :khulii: is not appropriate for :nigah:. You can use it for
:aaNkh:.
2. Even without debating the overall presentation, I can tell you that
:taakne: would better be replaced by :dekhne:. :taaknaa: is used for a
specific :look:, which is not there in your sher.
3. :zauq-e-tasallii: is a questionable compound in itself (:tasallii:
is not something that one would have a :zauq: for. I don't recall
having seen it. If you have an example, please provide so that I can
understand the context it was used in). It is even more so here due to
the way and place it is used in.
4. Most important of all, the sher fails to communicate clearly as to
what you have in mind. Whose :ziyaa: are you talking about here? Is it
of :ruu-e-yaar:? If the open eyes can't see this :ziyaa:, consider
using :taab: in place of :zarf:. Also, if you are trying to say that
this :ziyaa: can only been seen with closed eyes (in dreams), the
second misraa has not been able to convey that.
Please fine tune your sher to address the concerns mentioned above. If
I have failed to understand something that you think was evident in
the sher, please let me know.
Sincerely,
Irfan :Abid:
Raj Kumar
> >
> > aap kaa sh'er:
> > > > sar ho shaane pe tire, haath tire haatho.N mei.N,
> > > > phir to raahat bhii mile rone mei.N, rulaane mei.N
> >
> > pehle misr'e ko yooN kaheN:
> >
> > ho tere shaane pe sar, haath tere haathoN meN
> >
> > to meraa Khayaal hai k ise "har Ek baat pe kahte ho tum k tuu kyaa hai"
> > kii behr meN paRhaa jaa saktaa hai (not sure what it does to the 'flow'
> > aspect of the sh'er, though. Only people like Irfan saahib/RK saahib
> > can comment on that).
> >
>
>
>
> doosri baat yeh k hamaare esaateza is baat ki ijaazat naheeN dete k
> kisi bhi she'r meiN, jo k Ghazal ka matla' naheeN hai, us Ghazal ki
> radeef ka ist'emaal kiya jaaye!
A minor elucidation, please:
kisi bhi she'r meiN ---> kisi bhi she'r ke "pehle misre" meiN!
[doosre misre meiN to radeef aaye gi hi!]
yeh baat mere Khat ke agle hisse meiN to vaazeh ho rahi thi magar ise
yaheeN par vaazeh hona chaahiye tha!
R.K.
RB
I guess I am one of those silent lurkers on this newsgroup. "abhi
Ghazal jawaan hai" ki pehli qist parHke bahut mazaa aaya aur kaafi kuch
seekhne ko bhi mila. My congratulations to Yogesh sahib for starting this
and also to UVR sahib for continuing this with great fervor.
Darte Darte meri taraf se arz hai
woh saamne hai magar tu kareeb hai tanhaaee
ajab dikhaaye hai andaaz dil dukhaane meN
awaiting comments
Rajat
paabagil
> kisi bhi she'r meiN, jo k Ghazal ka matla' naheeN hai, us Ghazal ki
> radeef ka ist'emaal kiya jaaye! aap dekheN ge k, mut'alliqa she'r
> meiN, radeef "meiN" dono misroN meiN aa rahi hai, jab k in misroN meiN
> radeef se pehle aane vaale alfaaz "ham-qaafiya" naheeN haiN! goya, yeh
> she'r kisi Ghazal ka matla' naheeN ho sakta --- aur agar matla naheeN
> hai to phir radeef ko dono misroN meiN baratna jaa'iz naheeN hai.
janaab e Raj saahib:
<!-- maiN vuhee hooN Maumin e mubtilaa!! :) --!>
aap Ghaliban yahaaN "taqaabul e radeefain" kaa zikr kar rahe haiN.
maiN ne baRee hairat se paRhaa k aap ne ise itne "categorically" "rule
out" kar diyaa hai, jab k meree naaqis raa'e meN aisaa naheeN hai.
zaraa mulaahiza farmaai'ye:
Mir:
(Koft se jaan lab pe aayi he
ham ne kia choT dil pe khaayi he)
jis maraz mein k jaan jaati "he"
dilbaroN hi ki wo judai he
Ghalib:
Jalwa phir arz e naaz karta "he"
roz bazaar e jaan sipaari he
Ghalib:
na suno, gar bura kahe "koi"
na kaho, gar bura kare koi
Ghalib:
rok lo gar ghalat chale "koi"
bakhsh do gar khata kare koi
Iqbal aur Faiz ke haaN bhee is Khaaksaar ne ba-do-chashm e gunehgaar,
ye "aib" dekhaa hai. ab mu'imma ye hai k is mauqe par "un" esaatiza
kee maanee jaa'ye yaa phir "in" asaatiza kee?
paabagil
Dilnavaaz
> .
> abhi Ghazal jawaan hai [2]
> ==========================
> Deadline: August 31, 2002
>
>
>
> pesh-e-Khidmat hai "abhi Ghazal jawaan hai" kii woh doosri qist,
> jis kaa aap baRi be_sabri se, dabi saaNsoN se, intezaar kar rahe
> the (NOT!).
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
dostoN ko aadaab arz hai!
kayii mahiine ke bad India se vaapas aayii to meHfil kaa raNg hii aur
dekhaa! aur dekh kar bohat Khush huii. nayaa silsila nihaayat pasand
aayaa aur abhii to aaKhirii taariiKh duur hai to sochaa k kyoN na maiN
bhii koshish karuuN. aik sher maiN bhii de rahii huuN. agar shaamil
hone ke qaabil hai to kar liijiye.
Zoya aapaa ke beTe kaa Haal paRh kar beHad dil dukhaa, phir yeh dekh
kar Khushii huii k voh maashaa-Allah ab bohat behtar hai. maiN Zoya
aapaa ko alag se Khat likhuuN gii.
sher Haazir hai:
zamaana bhuul gayaa chalte chalte apnii raah
ko'ii to baat hai aaKhir mire fasaane meiN!
Dilnavaaz :Haya:
Roshan Kamath
> Roshan Sb, aadaab!
>
> It is so heartening to know that this humble attempt of ours was able
> to bring you back from a three year long hybernation. Welcome back! I
> am delighted to have you here.
Thank you so much, Irfan Sb, for taking time out to consider and
comment. I too am delighted to be back reading ALUP after so long. And
as you have already noticed, I'm still struggling with the idioms and
correct language usages! All your points are well taken (I have
additional comments embedded inline below). I do hope you too will
have time to comment on the other aSh`Ar that I've posted under this
thread.
> It appears that you are used to a scheme of transliteration that is
> somewhat different from what we use here.
Yes, I kindov use that because it gives me a better 'visual'
indication of the baehr! And allows me to distinguish between short
and long vowels merely by changing case :) Of course, the convention
still leaves a lot to be desired, but ....
Hey, at least I can claim I write Russian!! :)
> > I've used the word "KhwAb" to connotate sleep. Suggestions and
> > criticisms eagerly solicited!
> >
> > kHulI nigeh me.n ziyA tAknE k(A) zarf kahA.n?
> > kuChH aOr zaOq-e tasallI hae KhwAb lAnE mE.n
> >
>
> One look at your sher tells that you don.t have problems with the bahr
> and I must commend you for that. However, one can notice issues with
> the language, if not the thought, in this sher. Please note the
> following.
>
> 1. :khulii: is not appropriate for :nigah:. You can use it for
> :aaNkh:.
Point noted. Will remember!
> 2. Even without debating the overall presentation, I can tell you that
> :taakne: would better be replaced by :dekhne:. :taaknaa: is used for a
> specific :look:, which is not there in your sher.
I too had written _dEkHnA_ in my scratch attempts. However, the
thought I wanted to convey was that of "to gaze (upon)" even if only
for one time. So, yes, my initial idea did pertain to the capabilities
of a possibly singular glance. I *instinctively* felt that _dEkHnA_
was too non-specific, and too weak, a word to convey that semantics.
Hence, I changed it to _tAknA_. Do we know of any other word that
would carry the meaning of "to gaze upon/to cast a glance" more
correctly?
> 3. :zauq-e-tasallii: is a questionable compound in itself (:tasallii:
> is not something that one would have a :zauq: for. I don't recall
> having seen it. If you have an example, please provide so that I can
> understand the context it was used in). It is even more so here due to
> the way and place it is used in.
Here is where I cover-up my mistakes and slither away :) Can we change
the -e to a -o ?? I wanted to say "there exists comfort and delight
...".
> 4. Most important of all, the sher fails to communicate clearly as to
> what you have in mind. Whose :ziyaa: are you talking about here?
This intent is deliberate!! I did not want to (and I guess should
not!) qualify the _ziyA_ with a possessor. What is a She`r if it does
not demand the listener to extend her imagination a bit? :) No,
seriously, if you think this 'hole' robs the She`r of clarity, I'll
reconsider my entry - maybe submit a different She`r if that is
allowed under the rules. But to my mind this 'gap' is absolutely
vital!
> Is it of :ruu-e-yaar:?
... ahem ...
> If the open eyes can't see this :ziyaa:, consider
> using :taab: in place of :zarf:.
I wanted to convey a "degree of capability"; more idiomatically "depth
of character". Again, I did consider _tAb_ - but felt that it
translates more as "endurance" or capability thereof. Which is not the
thought in my mind ... _zarf_ is probably the most accurate word here?
> Also, if you are trying to say that
> this :ziyaa: can only been seen with closed eyes (in dreams), the
> second misraa has not been able to convey that.
Yes, I'm indirectly saying that 'some things' (ziyA in this context)
can be seen only with "closed eyes" (more like: I can take comfort in
that I'll see the _ziyA_ once my eyes are "closed"). The use of
_KhwAb_ (sleep), of course, being figurative (for all I know this
might be GharIb - but I would be surprised if it were so! I couldn't
have come up with an original idiom myself :). The operative thought
is "closed eyes".
Lemme look again at the second misra` and see if there is a better way
to convey this. Mebbe the "zaOq-e" confusion threw a spanner in the
works ... ?
> Please fine tune your sher to address the concerns mentioned above. If
> I have failed to understand something that you think was evident in
> the sher, please let me know.
Certainly. I'll see what changes I am able to make. If I am able to
come up with a cleaner one to address your original points 1 and 4,
I'll post it anew.
In passing, I guess it is worth mentioning that the idea behind the
above She`r has been with me for quite some time. I had once heard a
recitation by Krishn Bihari Noor of "voh lab ke jaEse sAGhar-e saehbA
dikHA'i dE" and some themes from that Ghazal have been with me ever
since. Thus, my idea is based essentially on one of the themes (won't
say which! Mebbe some ALUPer can figure that out?) - but addresses it
from a different perspective. Of course, I'm no where near the clarity
of expression and usage that Noor Sb. had ... but we all learn as we
go!
Thanks again,
roshan
Raj Kumar
> > doosri baat yeh k hamaare esaateza is baat ki ijaazat naheeN dete k
> > kisi bhi she'r meiN, jo k Ghazal ka matla' naheeN hai, us Ghazal ki
> > radeef ka ist'emaal kiya jaaye! aap dekheN ge k, mut'alliqa she'r
> > meiN, radeef "meiN" dono misroN meiN aa rahi hai, jab k in misroN meiN
> > radeef se pehle aane vaale alfaaz "ham-qaafiya" naheeN haiN! goya, yeh
> > she'r kisi Ghazal ka matla' naheeN ho sakta --- aur agar matla naheeN
> > hai to phir radeef ko dono misroN meiN baratna jaa'iz naheeN hai.
>
> janaab e Raj saahib:
>
> <!-- maiN vuhee hooN Maumin e mubtilaa!! :) --!>
huzoor-e-anvar, Ghulaam-parvar, janaab-e-aali, Khataa se Khaali:
aap kab se "paabagil" ho gaye? yeh to vuhi baat huyee k,
ba-qaul-e-shaa'ir,
yeh Khudaa'ii ka da'ava hai kiyooN?
aap kab se Khudaa ho gaye??? :-))
vaise, sach to yeh hai k maiN ne jooN-hi yeh "paabagil" ki talmeeh
paRhii to fauran Firaaq Saahib ki aek mash_hoor Ghazal ka maqta yaad
aaya; farmaate haiN k
Firaaq aksar "badal kar bhes" miltaa hai koi kaafir
kabhi ham jaan lete haiN, kabhi pehchaan lete haiN!!!
aur phir jab aap ko pehchaana to masarrat ki had na rahi k aap, jo k
aek muddat-e-madeed se laa-pataa the, achaanak nau-vaarid ho gaye
haiN! :-))
is baat par to Khud apni hi aek Ghazal ka matla yaad aaya k
navaa-e-dil ne karishme dikhaaye haiN kyaa kyaa
mirii azaaN ne namaazii jagaaye haiN kyaa kyaa!!!!!
Khair, chaliye, dekheN to k aap aaj kyaa "muzhda" le kar aaye haiN!
:-))
>
> aap Ghaliban yahaaN "taqaabul e radeefain" kaa zikr kar rahe haiN.
> maiN ne baRee hairat se paRhaa k aap ne ise itne "categorically" "rule
> out" kar diyaa hai, jab k meree naaqis raa'e meN aisaa naheeN hai.
aap bilkul saheeh samjhe k maiN kyaa keh rahaa tha aur aap ne jo
misaaleN ("to the contrary" di haiN) voh mujh se Dhaki-chhupi naheeN
haiN --- baat yeh hai k
"to every rule, there are exceptions; however, any number of
exceptions, however large, DO NOT make a rule"!
maiN ne jo baat kahi thi voh koi "man-ghaRat" baat naheeN thi,
janaab-e-Abr Aihsani ki kitaab "meri islaaheN" meiN se thi! aur jab
maiN ne yeh baat pehle-pehal paRhi thi aur is par zaraa sa
Ghaur-o-Khauz kiyaa tha to yeh baat mujhe har lihaaz se jaa'iz lagi
thi aur, Khudaa jhooT na bulvaaye, ab bhi jaa'iz lag rahi hai!
vajah-e-javaaz yeh hai k "aise she'r" ko paRhne ya sun_ne vaala, jab
she'r ke dono misroN meiN radeef ka saamna karta hai to use yooN
mehsoos hota hai k yeh she'r Ghaaliban kisi Ghazal ka matla hai ---
magar jab voh qaafiye "na-daarad" dekhta hai to maayoos ho kar reh
jaata hai! yeh koi Khayaali baat naheeN hai, Zaff ji --- yeh baat
ameeq-o-vasee' mushaahide par mabni hai!
ab agar Khudaa-e-SuKhan ke paaNch-das hazaar ash'aar meiN se koi
das-bees ash'aar meiN yeh "aib" roo-numa huaa hai to kyaa keejiye ga?
--- aib to aaKhir aib hi hai!
haaN, Ghaalib ke haaN yeh "aib" muqaabiltan kam hoga. aur jahaaN tak
Iqbaal aur Faiz ki baat hai, meri raaye meiN yeh taqseer Faiz se
kam-o-besh hi hui hogi, Iqbaal se is ki tavaqqo' muqaabiltan ziyaada
hai!
> zaraa mulaahiza farmaai'ye:
>
> Mir:
> (Koft se jaan lab pe aayi he
> ham ne kia choT dil pe khaayi he)
>
> jis maraz mein k jaan jaati "he"
> dilbaroN hi ki wo judai he
>
> Ghalib:
> Jalwa phir arz e naaz karta "he"
> roz bazaar e jaan sipaari he
>
> Ghalib:
> na suno, gar bura kahe "koi"
> na kaho, gar bura kare koi
>
> Ghalib:
> rok lo gar ghalat chale "koi"
> bakhsh do gar khata kare koi
>
> Iqbal aur Faiz ke haaN bhee is Khaaksaar ne ba-do-chashm e gunehgaar,
> ye "aib" dekhaa hai.
ab yahaaN, ALUP par, savaal hai nau-mashq sho'raa ko usool-e-fann
bataane ka ya sikhaane ka --- to aap hi bataaiye k kyaa in
"uyoob-e-shaa'iri" ka zikr kiyaa jaaye ya k inheN "dari ke neeche"
jhaaR diya jaaye?
> ab mu'imma ye hai k is mauqe par "un" esaatiza
> kee maanee jaa'ye yaa phir "in" asaatiza kee?>
mera Khayaal to yeh hai k jo maqaam "un" esaateza ka hai voh to har
lihaaz se musallima hai --- magar is ka matlab yeh bhi to naheeN hai
k Kaalidaas ke ba'ad koi achchha Draama-navees paida hi naheeN hoga ya
phir Vyaas ke ba'ad koi kaam ka 'editor' hi naheeN upje ga! What do
you think?
Khair, yeh to "laRaaii-jhagRe" ki baateN theeN :-)), ab yeh bataaiye k
aap ne abhi tak ALUP Ghazal ki qist #2 meiN hissa kiyooN naheeN liyaa,
jab-k pehli qist meiN to aap ne jhaNDe gaaR diye the! :-))
kaheeN is nayee baihr se Dar to naheeN gaye? LOL
ba-har-haal, maiN aap ko aek sujhaao deta hooN --- voh yeh k aap
mujavviza baihr meiN aek aisa she'r kahiye jis ke iKhtetaam par yeh
qaafiya aaye: "gudgudane meiN"!
maana k aap ka tajruba is kaar-zaar meiN mehdood sa hai ---LOL---
phir bhi, taKhayyul ke ghoRe to dauRaa hi sakte haiN! :-))
[vaise, is sujhaao ka itlaaq Ravindra Saahib par bhi hota hai --- aur,
meri raaye meiN, un ka tajruba to is baare meiN itna mehdood bhi
naheeN hoga!] :-))
aek baat aur --- voh yeh k aap ne is Khat meiN yeh "mubtilaa" aur
"mu'imma' kiyooN likh Daala? bhai, saheeh alfaaz "mubtalaa" aur
"mu'amma" haiN! aap kiyooN Kh(w)aah-ma-Kh(w)aah in alfaaz meiN "zer"
Daal rahe haiN?
is zimn meiN, aap itna zaroor yaad rakkheN k zamaana aaj kal
"zabar-dasti" ka hai, "zer-dasti" ka naheeN hai! LOL, balke ROTFL
Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar
P.S. jahaaN tak mujhe yaad hai, Zaff ji, aap mujhe do-aek qeemti
ashiyaa bhejne vaale the! mujhe un ashiyaa ka be-sabri se intezaar hai
--- kaheeN iraada to naheeN badal gayaa huzoor ka? :-))
R.K.
UVR
> Khair, yeh to "laRaaii-jhagRe" ki baateN theeN :-)), ab yeh bataaiye k
> aap ne abhi tak ALUP Ghazal ki qist #2 meiN hissa kiyooN naheeN liyaa,
> jab-k pehli qist meiN to aap ne jhaNDe gaaR diye the! :-))
>
> kaheeN is nayee baihr se Dar to naheeN gaye? LOL
>
> ba-har-haal, maiN aap ko aek sujhaao deta hooN --- voh yeh k aap
> mujavviza baihr meiN aek aisa she'r kahiye jis ke iKhtetaam par yeh
> qaafiya aaye: "gudgudane meiN"!
> maana k aap ka tajruba is kaar-zaar meiN mehdood sa hai ---LOL---
> phir bhi, taKhayyul ke ghoRe to dauRaa hi sakte haiN! :-))
>
> [vaise, is sujhaao ka itlaaq Ravindra Saahib par bhi hota hai --- aur,
> meri raaye meiN, un ka tajruba to is baare meiN itna mehdood bhi
> naheeN hoga!] :-))
raam, raam! arey, yeh mujhe kis daldal meN dhaNsaa rahe haiN aap,
Raj Kumar saahib? kahaaN maiN, aur kahaaN "tajruba"? Oh-well ...
shaayad Ghalati Khud merii hai -- agar shur'u hii se maiN is 'naaTak'
meN "paatr_dhaar" ke role meN nahiN, balke sirf ba_haisiyat-e-"suutr_
dhaar" shaamil huaa hotaa, to behtar hotaa. (Khud se: muNh_phaT hone
kaa dekh liyaa nateeja, UVR-ji?)
Khair, yeh bhi sach hai k 'naa_tajrubakaarii' ne kab is ahmaq ko
kuchh bhi kahne se rokaa hai? So here is my attempt at using your
suggested qaafiya in our 'behr du jour' --
haNsii haNsii hi meN ham ko rulaa diyaa, saahib?
kuchh ehtiyaat baratnaa thaa *gudgudaane meN*!!!!!!!!
aur ab is baare meN, k is _mahaa-gambheer_ sh'er kaa ta'alluq kis
'episode' se hai, yaa kin "saahib" se yahaaN Khitaab hai, aap agar
meraa muNh NA HI khulvaayeN to mehrbaani hogii ... ROTFL! [Please
note: tongue VERY FIRMLY in cheek!] waise ye to sabhi jaante haiN
k "there is a fine line between 'chheR_Khaani' and 'sitam'"!
faqat,
-UVR
P.S. janaab-e-'Zaf', yeh aap ne kis lafz ko apna "naam" banaa liyaa!?
paabagil
aap kaa "naama to ik shauq kaa daftar niklaa". lekin Khair, apnee
bisaat bhar javaabaat haazir haiN:
dekhiye, mauzoo' e zair behs par maiN ne kaafee mutaalia' o Ghaur o
Khauz kiyaa hai aur is nateeje par pahunchaa hooN k hamaare haaN
shaa'iree ko bahut saaree baijaa, jee haaN, baijaa, bandishoN meN
jakaR diyaa gayaa hai. ab matrookaat kaa mas'ala hee le leejiye: kis
zabaan meN aisaa huvaa hai k alfaaz ko DanDe maar maar kar she'er o
adab se nikaal baahar kar diyaa gayaa ho -- yaa kam az kam, nikaalne
kee kaushish kee ga'yee ho? yehee haal un usool o qavaa'id kaa bhee
hai jis meN taqaabul e radeefain, tanaafur, shikast e naaravaa,
ta'aqeed, 'elaan e noon, vaGhaira shaamil haiN. aap ne Ghaliban Hasrat
kee kitaab "Muaa'eb e SuKhan" paR rakhee hogee, yaa kam az kam us kaa
zikr zaroor sunaa ho gaa, k vo kaafee mash'hoor kitaab hai. is meN
Hasrat ne 'ajeeb o Ghareeb qism ke usool bayaan famaa'ye haiN, jin kaa
maqsad sivaa is k kuchh naheeN k shaa'ir ke haath jahaaN tak mumkin
ho, baandh di'ye jaa'yeN. ab Ghaur se paRhiye gaa:
1.
zabaan ko'ee Thos, bai-lachak yaa bai-jaan cheez naheeN hai: ye apne
aap ko vaqt, maqaam aur haalaat ke mutaabiq Dhaaltee rehtee hai.
saheeh kyaa hai, Ghalat kyaa hai, is kaa faisila kisee goshe meN
baiThe huvee maahireen e sarf o nahv naheeN karte balke zabaan ke
"a'alaa" baratne vaale karte haiN. ab mujhe bataa'iye k Lucknow ke
kisee teera o taareek galee meN baiTh kar "ustaad Naheef Naqshbandi"
ke likhe huve usool ziaada mustanad haiN yaa phir Urdu ke sab se baRe
taKhleeqee fankaaroN ke irshaadaat?
2.
aap kee baat sar aankhoN pe k "exceptions don't make the rule", lekin
banda parvar, ye bhee to dekhiye k agar Urdu ke 4 sab se baRe shaa'ir
aik baat baar baar duhraa'e chale jaa rahe haiN to vo kaise
"exception" kehlaa'ee jaa saktee hai? (mujhe yaqeen hai k DhoonDne par
doosre "tamaam" aham shu'araa ke haaN yehee "aib" mil jaa'ye gaa.
3.
shaam ko maiN deevaan e Ghalib kee varaq gardaanee kar rahaa thaa ...
aap ke Khat ke javaab ke liye dalaa'il muhayyaa karne kee niyyat se
naheeN (maiN ne us vaqt ise paRhaa hee naheeN thaa) balke Haafiz ke is
she'er ko ta'abeer karne ke liye:
dar eeN zamaana rafeeqe k Khaalee az Khalal ast
suraahee e mai e naab o safeena e Ghazal ast
(doosre misre meN avval uz zikr "shai" se to bai-behra haiN, kyoN k
Khataa mu'aaf k mai se Shikaib munkir hai
use azeez haiN duniyaa kee talKhiyaaN, logo!
yaa phir
peena ho to ik jur'a e zehraab bahut hai
ham tashna dahan tuhmat e baada naheeN rakhte
is liye majbooran mu'aKhir uz zikr par hee iktifaa karnee paRtee hai
:) to Khair, deevaan e Ghalib meN ye ash'aar nazar paRe:
a.
gardish e saaGhir e sad jalva e rangeeN tujh "se"
aa'ina daaree e yak deeda e hairaaN mujh se
b.
shikan e zulf e 'anbareeN kyoN "hai"
nigah e chashm e surma-saa kyaa hai
is se zaahir hotaa hai k Ghalib taqaabul e radeefain ko aib naheeN
samajhte the. yehee haal Mir, Iqbal aur Faiz kaa hai. mujhe bataa'ie k
kon ziaada mustanad hai? ye log yaa phir janaab e Naheef Naqshbandi?
maiN kis kee baat sunooN? kis ke naqsh e qadam par chalooN?
3.
aap ko Ghaliban yaad ho, maiN ne kuchh maah qabl Shauq Sandeelvi kee
ajeeb o Ghareeb kitaab, "Islaah e SuKhan", par mushtamil aik mazmoon
tehreer kiyaa thaa. is kitaab meN unhoN ne apne daur ke tamaam naamee
shu'araa ke paas apnee GhazleN ba Gharaz islaah bhejeeN aur phir un
sab ko shaamil karte huve kitaab shaa'ie karvaa Daalee. un kaa aik
she'er thaa:
aisee kyaa Khush-Khabaree laa'ye havaa ke jhoNke
dil masarrat se uchhalne lage deevaanoN ke
is she'er par us daur (1920s) ke 22 asaatiza ... jin meN Jigar, Fani,
Riyaz, Shad, Nooh, Shaukat, Mehshar, vaGhaira shaamil the) ... ne
izhaar e Khayaal kiyaa thaa lekin sivaa e Ma'ashooq Hussain 'At-har'
saahib ke, kisee ne taqaabul kaa mas'ala naheeN cheRaa (btw, At'har
saahib ne ise "ijtimaa e radeefain" kahaa hai). is se yehee saabit
hotaa hai k in asaatiza kee nazar meN bhee ye ko'ee "gardan-zadanee"
qism kaa aib naheeN thaa.
yaheeN maiN apnaa "baseerat afroz" maqaala tamaam kartaa hooN. maiN ne
aap ke qeematee vaqt meN se kaafee lamhe "hijack" kar liye, jis ke
liye paishgee ma'azart!
jura' kash e halaahil e hayaat,
paabagil
PS. aur haaN, "zabar-dastioN" kee samt tavajju dilaanee kaa shukriya,
lekin maKhdoom e man, ye duniyaa hai, yahaaN kabhee kabhaar neeche
bhee "lagnaa" paRtaa hai. chunaaNche aap ne jo ka'ee jagah "tajruba"
likhaa hai, vo dar'asl "tajriba" hai!!!
PPS. aap kee da'avat e suKhan kaa shukriya lekin maiN to pehle hee
apnaa "quota" pooraa kar chukaa hooN. aur vaise bhee ye mashq behr ke
usool o ramooz sikhaane ke liye hai aur apnaa to ye aalam hai k:
she'er mee goyam ba az aab e hayaat
man namee daanam "fa'oolan faa'ilaat"
LOLOLOL
kaamraan
While going through my folder of 'personal favorites', I found this
following sher (in the current behr) particularly interesting. I believe
RajKumar sahib had quoted this in one of his posts. Married people can
probably relate to this one ;-)
khafaa khafaa hi sahii saath saath chalate hO
kabhii kabhii to hameiN humsafar kahaa keeje
So, I wanted to try my hand at lines with repeating words (RK sahib, I
don't remember the 'technical' word for it). Anyways, here is my 'attempt'.
kadam kadam mushkil pechdaar haiN raaheiN
sambhal sambhal ke hi chalanaa tumheiN zamaane meiN
I know 'zamaanaa' has been used in the matla, but my only excuse is
I am only a nau-mashk-shaayar-wannabe ;-)
Irfan sahib, below is how I broke it up to see if see it fits in
the current behr. Pls let me know if I am wrong.
1 2 1 2 1 1 2 2 1 2 1 2 2 2
kadam kadam mushkil pechdaar haiN raaheiN
1 2 1 2 1 1 1 1 2 1 2 1 2 2 2
sambhal sambhal ke hi chalanaa tumheiN zamaane meiN
kaamraan
Yogesh Sethi
>
> Yogesh Sb, aadaab!
> ... is sher ko aap kuchh yuuN kah sakte haiN.
>
> qafas se dete ho kyaa ab rihaaii panchhii ko
> ye par kaTe hue naa.kaam haiN uRaane meN
>
Irfan Sahib aadaab:
On this couplet I find your suggestions very appealing and would
accept them without further discussion. Thank you very much for your
help. So the final version is:
qafas se dete ho kyaa ab rihaaii panchhii ko
ye par kaTe hue naa.kaam haiN u.Daane meN
> > As to the previous effort ..
> >
> > Khataa thii kaun sii jis kii milii sazaa mujh ko
> > raqiib ko vo le aayaa mujhe sataane me.n
>
> duusre misre kii ye shakl bahr meN to kahii jaa saktii hai, lekin
> zabaan ke lihaaz se misraa Thiik nahiiN. maiN ne apne guzishtah Khat
> meN jo jumlaa aap ko diyaa thaa, us ke alfaaz ko rearrange kar ke aap
> duusraa misraa kah sakte haiN. yaanii sher kuchh yuuN hogaa.
>
> Khataa thii kaun sii jis kii milii sazaa mujh ko
> naseeb kaahe lagaa hai mujhe sataane meN
>
On this couplet, permit me to offer another alternate second line and
see if it can meet the basic requirements. Then the best of two
couplets can qualify for the Ghazal.
Khataa thii kaun sii jis kii milii sazaa mujh ko
chiraaG tak nahii.n jalate mere gharaane me.n
Thank you again for your help.
Regards,
Yogesh
Irfan 'Abid'
Rajat Sb, aadaab!
I am glad that you chose to :promote: yourself from a silent lurker to
an active participant! :-) There is nothing to be afraid of. This is
:yaaroN kii mahfil: and we do things very informally here. This way
everybody learns from everybody else.
aap kaa sher dekhaa. aap ne ek umdah koshish kii hai, jis ke liye aap
merii daad ke mustahiq haiN. aap ke sher kaa duusraa misraa to bahr
meN hai, lekin pahle meN kuch gaRbaR ho gayii hai. is misre meN
:tanhaaee: kii jagah :tanhaa: hotaa to misraa bahr meN thaa. bahr ke
ilaavah aap ke bayaan meN bhii bahtarii chaahiye. lekin us zimn meN
koii mashvirah dene se qabl maiN aap se ye daryaaft karne kii
gustaaKhii kar rahaa huuN ki dar-asl aap kahnaa kyaa chaahte haiN?
agar aap nasr (prose) meN apne Khayaal ko bayaan farmaa deN to baat
aage baRhaaii jaaye.
niyaazmand,
Irfan :Abid:
Irfan 'Abid'
>
> Abid Sahib,
> Aadaab!
> Thnaks for hints and guidance, as you know I fast run out of
> vocabulary to capture my thoughts, let alone you excellent ideas. In
> my previous she'r the verb 'muskarana' applied to 'gham kha ke' which
> in my opinion describes the predicament of often-rejected lover.
> However, following your suggestions, I could only muster:
>
> tire sitam se to baDhti hai meri zindadili
> zaba-e-ishaq hai Gham kha ke muskraane me.n
>
> Obviously, I have 'lifted' zabaa from dictionary without any
> experience of usage. I mean 'the act of Gham kha ke muskraana' is an
> honour, dedication, offering etc. for Ishaq. Can you suggest a better
> word!
>
> Regards
> Sarvjit
Sarvjitji, aadaab!
After not seeing a response from you for a long time, I had begun to
think that I either annoyed you with some inadvertent comments or you
are working too sincerely on your next attempt. Fortunately, the
latter turned out to be the case! You have definitely tried to improve
upon your previous attempt. There are a few things to note about this
one, as follows.
1. I am not aware of any word like :zaba:. You may be refering to
:zebaa:, which means elegant or graceful. As you can see, it is an
adjective and can’t be used the way you used it here. In other
words, you can have :ishq-e-zebaa:, but not :zebaa-e-ishq:. The noun
for :zebaa: is :zeb: or :zebaaish:, and that is what can be used in
the compound word of the type you have formed i.e. :zeb-e-ishq: or
:zebaaish-e-ishq. Obviously, the misraa wouldn.t remain in bahr if you
do that. You can take care of this problem by replacing :zaba-e-ishq:
by :ki shaan-e-ishq:. However, before you consider the matter done
here, please see comment no. 3.
2. The correct pronunciation of :ishaq: is :ishq:. This difference is
obviously due to the way such words are pronounced in your part of the
world. :-)
3. After making the corrections described above, the sher looks very
good. But it still lacks that connection that I talked about the last
time. You might think that I am getting too finicky about it, but that
is how I feel. Let me explain it. In the first misraa, you say that
:tire sitam se merii zindah.dilii baRhtii hai:. In the second, you say
that :Gham khaa ke muskuraane meN ishq kii shaan hai:. Do you see a
problem? To further clarify my point, please allow me to quote the
sher that had come to my mind the last time around. Please note the
continuity between the two misraas.
tire sitam ko dikhayegii merii zindah.dilii
ki maiN bhii taaq huuN Gham khaa ke muskuraane meN
(:taaq: means unique or unmatched)
If you want to salvage the second misra of your sher, here is one way
to do so.
tire sitam ko maiN hanste hue uThaataa huuN
ki shaan-e-ishq hai Gham khaa ke muskuraane meN
Please review the two ash.aar and pick the one you would want as your
final choice. Questions are welcome.
niyaazmand,
Irfan :Abid:
Irfan 'Abid'
Haya Sahiba, aadaab!
aap ne aa kar to is bazm ko chaar chaand lagaa diye! aap ke ash.aar
par maiN sivaa :vaah, vaah: ke aur kyaa kartaa huuN, jo ab karuuNgaa.
lihaazah vaah, vaah! sher bahut umdah hai aur pasand aayaa. ab aap
:jugnoo: sb kii tarah shaakii na ho jaayeN, ye soch kar ek haqeer
mashvirah bhii de hii Daaltaa huuN. :apnii raah: ko :raah apnii: kar
deN to ravaanii bahtar ho jaayegii.
niyaazmand,
Irfan :Abid:
Raj Kumar
>
>
> While going through my folder of 'personal favorites', I found this
> following sher (in the current behr) particularly interesting. I believe
> probably relate to this one ;-)
>
> khafaa khafaa hi sahii saath saath chalate hO
> kabhii kabhii to hameiN humsafar kahaa keeje
>
> So, I wanted to try my hand at lines with repeating words (RK sahib, I
> don't remember the 'technical' word for it).
Kaamraan Saahib:
yaad-aavari ke liye shukriya. shaa'iri ki istelaah meiN, is
'repitition' ko 'takraar' kehte haiN! is lafz ka vuhi maaKhiz (=
source) hai jo k lafz 'mukarrar' ka hai --- aap jaante hi hoN ge k yeh
lafz mushaa'iroN meiN aksar barta jaata hai jab-k saam'een kisi
shaa'ir ko apna she'r 'repeat' karne ke liye kehna chaahate hoN!
aur, haaN, 'takraar' us baihs ko bhi kehte haiN jis meiN muKhaalifeen
(= opponents) aek hi baat ko baar baar dohraate chale jaayeN. aur jab
aashiq apni mehbooba se kisi baat ka gilaa karta hai --- sirf aek baar
naheeN bal-k baar baar --- to us gile ko bhi 'takraar' kahaa jaata
hai. sanad ke taur par, aap Allama Iqbaal ka yeh she'r dekhiye;
farmaate haiN k
na aate, hameN is meiN 'takraar' kyaa thi?
magar va'ada karte huye aar kyaa thi???
[aar = hesitation]
You won't believe that this she'r is Iqbaal's --- because most of his
remarkable poetry decided to take a different vein altogether!
albatta, yeh she'r us zamaane ka hai jab-k Iqbaal abhi tak apne ustaad
janaab-e-DaaGh Dehlavi ke zer-e-saaya the!
ba-har-haal, thanks for reminding me of the she'r quoted above.
However, if you want to hear my all-time favorite she'r employing
'takraar', then here it is:
kahaaN kahaaN na gaye ham junooN ke aalam meiN?
kaheeN kaheeN to farishtoN ne bhi salaam kiyaa!!!!!
Please count this one among your 'personal favorites'! :-))
ab jo she'r aap ne, apni jaanib se, ALUP ko bheja hai, voh ain isi
qabeel ka hai --- albatta, us ke pehle misre meiN kuchh samassayaaeN
haiN, jin par is qist ke munsif janaab-e-Irfaan Saahib yaqeenan uNgali
dhareN ge!
> Anyways, here is my 'attempt'.
>
> kadam kadam mushkil pechdaar haiN raaheiN
> sambhal sambhal ke hi chalanaa tumheiN zamaane meiN
>
Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar
Amit Malhotra
socha ki ham bhi apna haath aazmaa kar dekh lein is behr par.. so here is my
feeble attempt to do so.
Story behind it?? Just got back from India, was thinking of those rare
mornings i walked along the Mumbai sea shore and the thought came to mind ..
"chalii hai baad-e-sabaa yuu.N ki jaise chupke se...
chhuaa ho tuune miraa haath ik bahaane me.N!"
Judge sahib, hopefully its in meter and going from your comments on all the
other ash'aar posted in this series, i'm sure you can help me make it much
better than it sounds right now. Although, I don't know where UVR sahib
will fit this sh'er in the present ghazal, this one kinda seems out of the
theme of the whole ghazal...
Regards,
Amit Malhotra
Irfan 'Abid'
Kaamraan Sb, aadaab!
hamaarii :Ghazal and Company: meN aap kaa Khair.maqdam hai! aap kaa
sher dekhaa. Khayaal aap kaa Khuub hai! mubaarakbaad! taaham chand
baateN Ghaur.talab haiN. mulaahizah farmaaiye.
1. pahlaa misraa bahr se Khaarij hai. aap ne lafz-e-:mushkil: kii
taqtee sahiih nahiiN kii. is lafz kaa vazn hai 2 2 (mush-kil).
lihaazah ye us jagah fit nahiiN hotaa jahaaN aap ne rakkhaa hai. is
misre ko aap yuuN kah sakte haiN: qadam qadam pe hai Kham, pech.daar
haiN raaheN (Please note that the correct pronunciation is :qadam: and
not :kadam: )
2. duusraa misraa bahr meN hai. maiN ye tasleem kar ke chal rahaa huuN
ki aap kaa lafz-e-:hi: dar-asl :hai: hai, varnaa is misre meN zabaan
kii diqqat paidaa ho jayegii. misraa yuuN to buraa nahiiN, lekin abhii
bhii faseeh zabaan ke taqaazoN ko puuraa nahiiN kartaa. zaraa se
radd-o-badal se is meN balaa kii bahtarii laayii jaa saktii hai. ye
suurat dekhiye: saNbhal saNbhal ke chalo aaj ke zamaane meN!
yaanii aap kaa sher ab yuuN ho gayaa, aur kyaa Khuub ho gayaa!
qadam qadam pe hai Kham, pechdaar haiN raaheN
saNbhal saNbhal ke chalo aaj ke zamaane meN!
niyaazmand,
Irfan :Abid:
paabagil
meraa iraada to is laRee meN hissa lene kaa naheeN thaa lekin aik
halqe kee jaanib se "challange" ke javaab meN majbooran maidaan meN
utarnaa paRaa. chunaanche aik "inspired" she'er haazir hai:
kamar kee naazukee kaa un kee kyaa karooN maiN bayaaN
k khaa'yee teen sau bal aik gudgudaane meN :)) balke LOLOLOL
kaisaa?
paabagil
saif
> .
> abhi Ghazal jawaan hai [2]
> ==========================
> Deadline: August 31, 2002
>
>
>
>
>
>
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tamaam Alupers ko salaam
taveel Ghair haazri ke baad ek baar phir is ladi ke zariye shaamil ho
raha
hooN. meri taraf se ye sher pesh hai
arz kiyaa hai ki
raunak-e-bazm ka voh qaatilaana tire-e-nigaah
Khuda bachaye in butoN se is butkhane meN
warm regards
saif ahmed
Sarvjit Goraya
Abid Sahab
I don't think many people have been successful in annoying me;
although many have tried.
'Ishaq' was a bait for for RK sahab (just kidding!). But, I think I do
pronounce it properly (all the people who still say 'eschool' instead
of school, please note!!)
As for as connection between misras is concerned, in my ignorance, I
see some. For example - 'Mere mehboob tum sitam kiye ja rahe ho, aur
mai.n es k bavjood bhi muskraye ja rah hu.n; yeh meri zindadilli ka
sboot hai'.
As time is upon us now, allow me to have this go:
tire sitam se to baDhti hai meri zindadilli
ki ham bhi mahir hai.n Gham kha ke muskraane me.n
Finally, my humble offerings are before you. If you consider worthy,
pick whatever you like; or pick it to pieces!
Regards
Sarvjit
Raj Kumar
> > ba-har-haal, maiN aap ko aek sujhaao deta hooN --- voh yeh k aap
> > mujavviza baihr meiN aek aisa she'r kahiye jis ke iKhtetaam par yeh
> > qaafiya aaye: "gudgudane meiN"!
>
> > [vaise, is sujhaao ka itlaaq Ravindra Saahib par bhi hota hai --- aur,
> > meri raaye meiN, un ka tajruba to is baare meiN itna mehdood bhi
> > naheeN hoga!] :-))
>
> raam, raam! arey, yeh mujhe kis daldal meN dhaNsaa rahe haiN aap,
> Raj Kumar saahib? kahaaN maiN, aur kahaaN "tajruba"?
>
> Khair, yeh bhi sach hai k 'naa_tajrubakaarii' ne kab is ahmaq ko
> kuchh bhi kahne se rokaa hai? So here is my attempt at using your
> suggested qaafiya in our 'behr du jour' --
>
> haNsii haNsii hi meN ham ko rulaa diyaa, saahib?
> kuchh ehtiyaat baratnaa tha *gudgudaane meN*!!!!!!!!
Frankly speaking, "we" are impressed! :-))
[I hope, Abida Saahiba is around to savor this one!] LOL
mere zehn meiN to yeh tha k, yahaaN par, aashiq apni mehbooba ko
gudgudaane par she'r kahe ga, magar aap ne to saari ki saari 'stage'
hi ulaT di, Ravindra ji! goya, voh kaafira apne aashiq ko gudgudaa
rahi hai aur voh bhi is qadar be-eihtiyaati se? raam raam,
"kahaaN aa gaye ham k maihshar bapaa hai!"
na jaane, kyaa ho gayaa hai is zamaane ko? ---
[vaise, by the way, bhalaa in saahiba ka koi phone # hai?
agar hai to, kam-az-kam, ham GhareeboN ko bhi bataaiye ga! LOL, balke
ROTFL]
vaise, jahaaN tak maujooda laRi ka ta'alluq hai --- I don't think,
Irfaan Saahib will give this she'r his hearty approval. magar mujhe to
aap ki yeh baat be-had pasaNd aayee hai. albatta, just for the sake of
record, would you be willing to consider a minor change in the first
misra?
haNsi haNsi hi meiN ham ko rulaa rulaa Daala
OR
haNsi haNsi hi meiN ham ko rulaa ke maar diyaa
The second misra is great, as it is!
Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar
Irfan 'Abid'
> der aayad, durust aayad :-)
>
> socha ki ham bhi apna haath aazmaa kar dekh lein is behr par.. so here is my
> feeble attempt to do so.
> Story behind it?? Just got back from India, was thinking of those rare
> mornings i walked along the Mumbai sea shore and the thought came to mind ..
>
> "chalii hai baad-e-sabaa yuu.N ki jaise chupke se...
> chhuaa ho tuune miraa haath ik bahaane me.N!"
>
> Judge sahib, hopefully its in meter and going from your comments on all the
> other ash'aar posted in this series, i'm sure you can help me make it much
> better than it sounds right now. Although, I don't know where UVR sahib
> will fit this sh'er in the present ghazal, this one kinda seems out of the
> theme of the whole ghazal...
>
> Regards,
>
> Amit Malhotra
>
Amit Sb, aadaab!
janaab, aap vaaqaii der se aaye haiN, lekin maiN jaantaa huuN ki VIP's
der hii se aate haiN! :-) aap ke sher paRhaa aur behad lutf.andoz
huaa. sher mukammal taur par bahr meN hai, lihaazah daad qubuul
kiijiye! However, there are other issues that need to be addressed, as
follows.
1. Normally, when you use similes in the context of :muhbuub's
adaayeN:, you mention the :adaa: first and then quote a parallel,
usually a feature of the nature. Here, it is the other way round. I
don't want to say that you can't do so, but it sure feels awkward.
2. There is a bigger problem in your sher, and it is the qaafiyah!
First, you should not be saying :bahaane meN: but :bahaane SE:.
Second, I fail to see a :bahaanaa: in the first misraa. In other
words, the connection of the first misraa with the second id missing.
The first misraa of your sher merely describes a scene. It has to go
one step further, and show baad-e-sabaa doing something that can be
compared to muhbuub's touching of your hand :bahaane se:.
Please take care of these deficiencies in your revision. Let me
caution you that you would find it difficult to come up with many
ideas that end up in :bahaane meN:. So if you can't compose a sher in
a few hours, try another qaafiyah!
niyaazmand,
Irfan :Abid:
Dilnavaaz
>
> aap ne aa kar to is bazm ko chaar chaand lagaa diye! aap ke ash.aar
> par maiN sivaa :vaah, vaah: ke aur kyaa kartaa huuN, jo ab karuuNgaa.
> lihaazah vaah, vaah! sher bahut umdah hai aur pasand aayaa. ab aap
> :jugnoo: sb kii tarah shaakii na ho jaayeN, ye soch kar ek haqeer
> mashvirah bhii de hii Daaltaa huuN. :apnii raah: ko :raah apnii: kar
> deN to ravaanii bahtar ho jaayegii.
>
> niyaazmand,
> Irfan :Abid:
muHtaram Irfaan saahib: aadaab!
aap kii navaazish k aap ne she'r pasand farmaayaa. shukriya!
maiN samajhtii huuN k aap kii tajviiz se she'r meiN koyii Khaas farq
nahiiN paRtaa hai. lekin aap :judge: haiN iss liye aap kii islaaH ko
qubuul karnaa zaruurii hotaa hai. aap chaaheN to yeh tabdiilii zaruur
kar deN. shukriya!
Haya
RB
"Irfan 'Abid'" <i_a...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:632bac0b.02082...@posting.google.com...
Irfaan sahab,
From the behr point of view agar pehle misre ko yuuN kahaa jaaye
wo saamne hai magar paas tu hai tanhaaee
ajab dikhaaye hai andaaz dil dukhaane meN
mujhe pataa hai iss se "gaagar mein saagar bharne ki koshish" :-) meN kuch
improvement nahi ho rahaa hai, lekin first things first.
Thanks once again
Rajat
jugnoo
> jugnoo Sb, aadaab!
>
> bhaaii, maiN ne aap ke ash.aar par pasandiidagii kaa izhaar rasman
> nahiiN kiyaa thaa. aap ke ash.aar vaaqaii laa.javaab haiN. phir bhii,
> agar aap kahte haiN to kcuhh tafsiilii tabsirah kiye detaa huuN. ye
> islaah qataii nahiiN, kyoNki aap ko us kii mutlaq zaruurat nahiiN hai.
> sirf raae samajhiyegaa. mumkin hai kisii kaam aaye.
>
> aap kaa duusraa sher, jise maiN ne Ghazal meN shaamil kiyaa hai, mere
> Khayaal meN kisii bahtarii kaa muhtaaj nahiiN. balki is kaa
> misra-e-saanii to behad dilkash hai. :tujhe ye ek takalluf: ke tukRe
> ne vo asar paidaa kiyaa hai ki mat puuchhiye! haaN, pahle sher meN
> mujhe ek baat khaTkii thii, aur shaayad isii vajh se ye sher mujhe
> duusre ke muqaabile meN zaraa kamtar darje kaa nazar aayaa. is sher
> meN :fasaane: kaa javaaz bantaa nazar nahiiN aataa, kyoNki aap ne sher
> meN fasaane jaisii kisii cheez kaa zikr nahiiN kiyaa. haalaaNki sher
> kaa pahlaa misraa jaan.levaa hai, lekin :fasaane: par aa kar is kaa
> asar maaNd paR jaataa hai. yaanii kul milaa kar donoN misre mil kar ek
> jaan nahiiN ho paaye. maiN ne bahut sochaa ki pahlaa misraa
> ba.dastuur rakhte hue :fasaane: kaa qaafiyaa kaise istemaal kiyaa
> jaaye, lekin koii muassar tareeqaa nahiiN suujhaa. agar aap koii hal
> nikaal sakeN to kyaa kahne! maiN dil se chaahtaa huun ki is sher kaa
> pahlaa misraa kaam aa jaaye.
>
> niyaazmand,
> Irfan :Abid:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
muHtaramii Irfaan saahib: aadaab
Khat meiN vazaaHat kaa shukriya! :taane-baane: aur :fasaane: meiN aik
qadr-e-mushtarik hai ya'nii un kaa be-Haqiiqat honaa. aur yehii sabab
thaa jo maiN ne un ko baaNdhaa. pehle maiN ne :taane baane: kee
bajaaye :kaarKhaane: sochaa thaa. lekin phir doosre misre ke taqaaze
ne badalne per majbuur kar diyaa. ummiid hai k merii soch aap per
vaazeH ho gayii hogii.
Khaadim
jugnoo
Irfan 'Abid'
janaab :saaf chhupte bhii nahiiN ...: urf paabagil urf :z: saahib,
aadaab!
bas ek aap hii kii kamii thii bazm meN, so aap ne tashreef laa kar
puurii kar dii. aap ne sher inaayat kar diyaa hai, to maiN bhii apnaa
farz adaa kar detaa huuN. phir ise Ghazal meN kahaaN khapaanaa hai, ye
kaar-e-daarad UVR Sb ke zimme rahaa! :-)
qiblaa, avval to ye bataaiye ki aap ye :teen sau: kee maKhsuus taadaad
kahaaN se laaye haiN? kahiiN koii tajrabaa to nahiiN kiyaa? :-) mazaaq
bar-taraf, aap ne :challenge: Khuub nibhaayaa hai! bas :khaayee: kii
jagah :khaaye: ho to bahtar hai, kyoNki :kamar teen sau bal khaayee:
kahnaa shaayad Thiik nahiiN. ho saktaa hai ye typo ho, yaa phir aisaa
istemaal bhii jaaiz ho, kyoNki aap se aisii kotaahii kii tavaqqo kam
hii hai.
ab dekhiye :vo: kyaa kahte haiN jinhoN ne :challange: diyaa thaa! :-)
niyaazmand,
Irfa :Abid:
Irfan 'Abid'
> tamaam Alupers ko salaam
>
> taveel Ghair haazri ke baad ek baar phir is ladi ke zariye shaamil ho
> raha
> hooN. meri taraf se ye sher pesh hai
>
> arz kiyaa hai ki
>
> raunak-e-bazm ka voh qaatilaana tire-e-nigaah
> Khuda bachaye in butoN se is butkhane meN
>
> warm regards
>
>
> saif ahmed
Saif Sb, aadaab!
aap ke Khat se saaf zaahir hai ki aap bazm meN nau.vaarid nahiiN, haaN
ek taveel arse tak Ghair.haazir zaruur rahe haiN. vaapasii mubaarak
ho!
aap kaa sher dekhaa. aap ne koshish achchhii kii hai. taaham do ek
numaayaaN KhaamiyaaN nazar aatii haiN jo aap kii ittilaa ke liye darj
kar rahaa huuN.
1. donoN misre Khaarij.az.bahr haiN. UVR Sb ne apne ibtidaaiye meN
bahr ke arkaan bayaan farmaa diye haiN. sher tarteeb dete vaqt alfaaz
ko un arkaan ke mutaabiq rakhiye.
2. :rainaq-e-bazm: kaa :teer-e-nigaah: kyaa hotaa hai? Ghaur
kiijiyegaa.
3. :butKhaane: is bahr meN bataur qaafiyah nahiiN khap sakegaa. is
mauzuua par bhii UVR Sb ne silsile ke shuruua meN raushnii Daalii
thii. lihaazah koii aur qaafiyah chun kar sher kahne kii koshish
kiijiye.
niyaazmand,
Irfan :Abid:
paabagil
aap kee nazar e karam o muhabbat kaa shukriya.
> qiblaa, avval to ye bataaiye ki aap ye :teen sau: kee maKhsuus taadaad
> kahaaN se laaye haiN? kahiiN koii tajrabaa to nahiiN kiyaa? :-)
"teen sau" kee kee "vajh e tasmee'ya" bhee aap ne Khoob poochhee.
huzoor e vaalaa: ye to tajribe kee baateN haiN, ab aap se kyaa arz
kareN :) taaham, aap kehte haiN to she'er kee shakl badal dete haiN:
nazaakat e kamar e yaar kyaa bayaaN kariye
misaal e zulf jo bal khaa'ye gudgudaane meN!
> mazaaq bar-taraf, aap ne :challenge: Khuub nibhaayaa hai! bas :khaayee: kii
> jagah :khaaye: ho to bahtar hai, kyoNki :kamar teen sau bal khaayee:
> kahnaa shaayad Thiik nahiiN. ho saktaa hai ye typo ho, yaa phir aisaa
> istemaal bhii jaaiz ho, kyoNki aap se aisii kotaahii kii tavaqqo kam
> hii hai.
jee haaN, aap ne Khoob pehchaanaa, "khaa'yee" typo hee thaa. meree
taraf se husn e zan kaa shukriya.
> ab dekhiye :vo: kyaa kahte haiN jinhoN ne :challange: diyaa thaa! :-)
maiN jaantaa hooN vo jo likheN ge javaab meN! kyoN k:
miraa she'er achchhaa bhee daanisat zid se
kisee aur kaa vo kahaa jaantaa hai!!!
niaaz-mand,
paabagil
UVR
>
> > > ba-har-haal, maiN aap ko aek sujhaao deta hooN --- voh yeh k aap
> > > mujavviza baihr meiN aek aisa she'r kahiye jis ke iKhtetaam par yeh
> > > qaafiya aaye: "gudgudane meiN"!
>
> > > [vaise, is sujhaao ka itlaaq Ravindra Saahib par bhi hota hai --- aur,
> > > meri raaye meiN, un ka tajruba to is baare meiN itna mehdood bhi
> > > naheeN hoga!] :-))
> >
> > suggested qaafiya in our 'behr du jour' --
> >
> > haNsii haNsii hi meN ham ko rulaa diyaa, saahib?
> > kuchh ehtiyaat baratnaa tha *gudgudaane meN*!!!!!!!!
>
> Frankly speaking, "we" are impressed! :-))
> [I hope, Abida Saahiba is around to savor this one!] LOL
>
> mere zehn meiN to yeh tha k, yahaaN par, aashiq apni mehbooba ko
> gudgudaane par she'r kahe ga, magar aap ne to saari ki saari 'stage'
> hi ulaT di, Ravindra ji! goya, voh kaafira apne aashiq ko gudgudaa
> rahi hai aur voh bhi is qadar be-eihtiyaati se? raam raam,
aashiq kaa ma'ashooq ko gudgudaana to baRi seedhi-saadi, saadhaaraN-
sii baat hai, Rajkumar saahib. apne dost, shrimaan paa..gil-ji-sb :))
ne jo ravaiyya is thread meN iKhtiyaar kiyaa thaa, us se mujhe yaqeen
to nahiiN, shak zaroor ho chalaa thaa k aap ke "challenge" ke jawaab
meN janaab jo sh'er is bazm ko ataa farmaayeNge, woh isii saade-se
Khayaal par mabni hogaa. lihaaza (martaa kyaa na kartaa) 'situation'
ulaTnaa paRi.
> vaise, jahaaN tak maujooda laRi ka ta'alluq hai --- I don't think,
> Irfaan Saahib will give this she'r his hearty approval. magar mujhe to
> aap ki yeh baat be-had pasaNd aayee hai. albatta, just for the sake of
> record, would you be willing to consider a minor change in the first
> misra?
>
> haNsi haNsi hi meiN ham ko rulaa rulaa Daala
> OR
> haNsi haNsi hi meiN ham ko rulaa ke maar diyaa
>
> The second misra is great, as it is!
Thanks! pehle misr'e meN tarmeem ki yooN to mujh haqeer-zehn ko
koii Khaas zaroorat nazar to naheeN aatii, lekin "aap kahte haiN
to phir Theek hi kahte hoNge" :)) aap kii tajaaveez meN se, ba-
sad-ijz-o-inkisaar arz hai, k pehli tajveez behtar lag rahi hai --
k ham itne bhi kamzor nahiiN k maihz gudgudi hi se mar jaayeN! ... LOL
haaN, "adaaoN" kii baat alag hai -- k woh qaatil bhi ho jaati haiN :))
-UVR.
Raj Kumar
> > >
> > > Khair, here is my attempt at using your
> > > suggested qaafiya in our 'behr du jour' --
> > >
> > > haNsii haNsii hi meN ham ko rulaa diyaa, saahib?
> > > kuchh ehtiyaat baratnaa tha *gudgudaane meN*!!!!!!!!
> >
> > Frankly speaking, "we" are impressed! :-))
> > [I hope, Abida Saahiba is around to savor this one!] LOL
> >
> > mere zehn meiN to yeh tha k, yahaaN par, aashiq apni mehbooba ko
> > gudgudaane par she'r kahe ga, magar aap ne to saari ki saari 'stage'
> > hi ulaT di, Ravindra ji! goya, voh kaafira apne aashiq ko gudgudaa
> > rahi hai aur voh bhi is qadar be-eihtiyaati se? raam raam,
>
> aashiq kaa ma'ashooq ko gudgudaana to baRi seedhi-saadi, saadhaaraN-
> sii baat hai, Rajkumar saahib. apne dost, shrimaan paa..gil-ji-sb :))
> ne jo ravaiyya is thread meN iKhtiyaar kiyaa thaa, us se mujhe yaqeen
> to nahiiN, shak zaroor ho chalaa thaa k aap ke "challenge" ke jawaab
> meN janaab jo sh'er is bazm ko ataa farmaayeNge, woh isii saade-se
> Khayaal par mabni hogaa. lihaaza (martaa kyaa na kartaa) 'situation'
> ulaTnaa paRi.
This is great! However, even at the risk of being repetitious, I must
say that I wasn't expecting so delightful a "turn of the situation"!
>
> > vaise, jahaaN tak maujooda laRi ka ta'alluq hai --- I don't think,
> > Irfaan Saahib will give this she'r his hearty approval. magar mujhe to
> > aap ki yeh baat be-had pasaNd aayee hai. albatta, just for the sake of
> > record, would you be willing to consider a minor change in the first
> > misra?
> >
> > haNsi haNsi hi meiN ham ko rulaa rulaa Daala
> > OR
> > haNsi haNsi hi meiN ham ko rulaa ke maar diyaa
> >
> > The second misra is great, as it is!
>
> Thanks! pehle misr'e meN tarmeem ki yooN to mujh haqeer-zehn ko
> koii Khaas zaroorat nazar to naheeN aatii, lekin "aap kahte haiN
> to phir Theek hi kahte hoNge" :))
I fully agree with you --- k aap ke is she'r meiN kisi tarmeem ki
zaroorat naheeN thi. albatta, jo kuchh maiN ne kiyaa use apne haaN
"aadat se majboor" hona kehte haiN. Ravindra Saahib, pichhle 44 baras
Professori kar ke aek ma'amool sa ban gayaa hai k jo bhi tehreer
saamne aaye us par tarmeem saadar karooN. I think, I shouldn't have
done so in the present case, because your she'r, as it was, was fine!
bal-k, is she'r par meri nazar-e-saani keh rahi hai k, yeh jo lafz
"saahib" ka aap ne ist'emaal kiyaa hai, is qadar mauzooN hai k ---
dostaana bhi hai aur tanziya bhi --- goya, mujhe is misre meiN koi bhi
tabdeelii tajveez naheeN karna chaahiye thi!
Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar
Amit Malhotra
bhai ye kyaa, naachiiz ko VIP kaa title de diya??
chaliye.. ab de hi diyaa hai to zaraa "flight" abhi mat uRaayiegaa, VIP ke
sh'er ka intezaar kijiye :)
> >
> > "chalii hai baad-e-sabaa yuu.N ki jaise chupke se...
> > chhuaa ho tuune miraa haath ik bahaane me.N!"
> >
> 1. Normally, when you use similes in the context of :muhbuub's
> adaayeN:, you mention the :adaa: first and then quote a parallel,
> usually a feature of the nature. Here, it is the other way round. I
> don't want to say that you can't do so, but it sure feels awkward.
>
you are right about the usage, however it didnt feel awkward to me..
comparing one beauty to another beauty or one beautiful moment to another
one was the main thing here, which comes first.. I didn't really pay
attention to it! but point is noted Sir, in future, I'll remember to do it
the other way round... :)
> 2. There is a bigger problem in your sher, and it is the qaafiyah!
> First, you should not be saying :bahaane meN: but :bahaane SE:.
> Second, I fail to see a :bahaanaa: in the first misraa. In other
> words, the connection of the first misraa with the second id missing.
> The first misraa of your sher merely describes a scene. It has to go
> one step further, and show baad-e-sabaa doing something that can be
> compared to muhbuub's touching of your hand :bahaane se:.
now that did seem awkward to me.... you are right, it should have been
"bahaane se" and not "meN" ... but the connection of the "bahaanaa" in the
first misra.. if you can't see it, then I can't show it to ya! :-) however,
when you said it has to show "baad-e-sabaa" doing something comparing to the
hand touching.. well "Chalii" was the doing something part...
> Please take care of these deficiencies in your revision. Let me
> caution you that you would find it difficult to come up with many
> ideas that end up in :bahaane meN:. So if you can't compose a sher in
> a few hours, try another qaafiyah!
Ok I tried, Now I'm no Sarwar sahib, his recent ghazal posted on ALUP has
beautiful ash'aar in it and he said he wrote it, while he was lost in
thoughts.... man i wish i had such ease with poetry! So i tried and I gave
up on "bahaane me.N" within minutes .. hehe.. got a new qaafiyah and i even
wrote a sh'er with the Same sentiment within a day (wow!!) but i put that
aside as it just didn't feel so great to me.. so i wrote another one, a
whole new one with completely different idea! so i'm presenting that one
for your approval here..(it took me another day to write that one.. hence
the two days delay in my reply)
" tirii azaa.N se bhi purzor meri khaamoshii!
ye kaam aayegi "Khaaliq" ko bhii jagaane me.N !! "
(side note: RajKumar sahib, ho sakta hai ye sh'er aapko apna hi ek sh'er,
jo ki isi be'hr mei.n likha hai (as far as my analysis told me) yaad dilaa
de... .... vo kyaa hai ki.... "mire sh'ero.N ne fasaane sunaaye hai.N kyaa
kyaa!!" (oh i so hope that was in be'hr!!!))
Judge sahib, ummiid hai ye sh'er be'hr me.N hai, aur pahle vaale sh'er se
behtar hai....
Ji haan, aise aaltu faaltu sh'er likhne mein bhi hamein ek ek din lag jaataa
hai!!
Best Regards,
Amit Malhotra
> niyaazmand,
> Irfan :Abid:
Irfan 'Abid'
>
> Abid Sahab
Sarvjitji, adaab!
> I don't think many people have been successful in annoying me;
> although many have tried.
That was just a joke! I know you well enough to assume that you are
free from such problems! :-)
> 'Ishaq' was a bait for for RK sahab (just kidding!). But, I think I do
> pronounce it properly (all the people who still say 'eschool' instead
> of school, please note!!)
> As for as connection between misras is concerned, in my ignorance, I
> see some. For example - 'Mere mehboob tum sitam kiye ja rahe ho, aur
> mai.n es k bavjood bhi muskraye ja rah hu.n; yeh meri zindadilli ka
> sboot hai'.
Your sher was clear enough to give a sense of your thought to the
reader. No question about that! In fact, if it were not for this
series, where emphasis is on analysis and learning, I would have
gladly accepted it without any comments. However, as I said earlier, I
felt that the strong connection that makes a sher worth what it should
be, was missing. The whole problem actually lies in one word, and it
is :baRhtii:. Note that :zindah.dilii: is a part of your personality
or nature. If somebody's :sitam: enhances it, it is a :cause and
effect: situation, which is what the first misra describes. If you
think for a moment, the statement is over here, and hardly requires
any additional verbage. That is what made me feel that the second
misraa was :somewhat: detached from the first.
> As time is upon us now, allow me to have this go:
> tire sitam se to baDhti hai meri zindadilli
> ki ham bhi mahir hai.n Gham kha ke muskraane me.n
>
Good attempt, but unfortunately :maahir: makes the second misraa
Khaarij.az.bahr!
> Finally, my humble offerings are before you. If you consider worthy,
> pick whatever you like; or pick it to pieces!
>
> Regards
> Sarvjit
niyaazmand,
Irfan :Abid:
UVR
> .
> abhi Ghazal jawaan hai [2]
> ==========================
> Deadline: August 31, 2002
>
>
To all the participants of this episode whose submissions are
still in "flux", and to those who are getting ready to send
in their entries, a gentle reminder:
The deadline for the episode is only 3 days away (including
the final day). Please work with our 'judge' janaab Irfan
'Abid' to bring your ash'aar to a state suitable for inclusion
in the final Ghazal.
-UVR.
P.S. A total of 7 ash'aar (including the matl'a) have been
finalized so far. The submitters of these, in no particular
order, were: Abhay Phadnis, Vasmi Abidi, 'jugnoo', PK Swami,
Yogesh Sethi and Dilnawaz. Entries submitted by 8 other
ALUPers are currently in various states of (in)completeness.
Yashowanto Ghosh
: > abhi Ghazal jawaan hai [2]
: > ==========================
: > Deadline: August 31, 2002
: >
Greetings to all a.l.u.p. friends!
Hi, I've been lurking in this newsgroup for a few months now with a
primary objective of learning Urdu (and a secondary objective of
learning to appreciate Urdu poetry). I wasn't going to write here,
but I suddenly realized that this would be a good opportunity to get
an expert evaluation of my (lack of) progress. So here is an entry
from me:
milaa vo lutf safar-e-raah-e-shauq meN ke kaash
mile utnaa hi (a)ur manzil kabhii na paane meN
Dear Irfaan saahib (and everybody else), any criticism of the meter,
grammar, usage, clarity (or otherwise) of expression, et cetera will
be greatly appreciated by me. On the other hand, any criticism of
the lack of depth of thought is accepted in advance---I am quite
aware that I am no poet, thank you.
Finally, apologies to one and all for writing in English---I could not
muster enough courage to attempt an entire paragraph of Urdu. Replies
in Urdu, please---
Thanks,
Jasho.
Vasmi Abidi
Yashowanto Ghosh wrote:
> milaa vo lutf safar-e-raah-e-shauq meN ke kaash
> mile utnaa hi (a)ur manzil kabhii na paane meN
> ...
> I am quite
> aware that I am no poet, thank you.
>
based on your submission, I think that is highly debatable!
Vasmi
Vikas Sharma
Main bhi apni ek koshish "abhi Ghazal jawaan hai" mein daal raha hun.
Ummeed karta hun ki is forum ke qaabil hogi.
sabhii se kahte ho aashiq hue ho tum mujh par
kaho kya aar hai hamse hi kah sunaane me.N
Vikas.