"nafs-e-'ammaaraa ko maaraa!", to phir " vohii" jihaad hai...Ghazal
Aslam Sahbaa
salaam aur aadaab,
aaj aapkii Khidmat meN ek Ghazal lekar haazir huaa huuN, gar qubuul
baashad:
11 sitambar ko jo alam_naak vaaq'ea pesh aayaa us se "jihaad" par
baRii le_de huii aur ho rahii hai. lafz-e-"jihaad" kis qadar
ghalat_fehmiiyoN kaa shikaar huaa hai. isii ke baabat apnii Ghazal se
paihle yeh she'r 'arz kar rahaa huuN:
qatl_o_Ghaarat aur tashaddud: taskiin-e-dil hoNge, magar
"nafs-e-'ammaaraa ko maaraa!", to phir "vohii" jihaad hai
to, Ghazal haazie-e-Khidmat hai, mulaahezah farmaaiye:
________________________________________________________________________________
1.
Khush huuN maiN ki Khush hai tu, Khaana tiraa aabaad hai
kyaa kahuuN?, kaise kahuuN?; duNyaa miri barbaad hai
2.
aap haiN naaraaz kuchh maazii kii baateN chheR kar
kaih rahaa huuN maiN vohi jo kuchh bhi mujhko yaad hai
3.
uNgliyaaN baaloN meN mere tuu ne pheriiN thiiN kabhii
tuu thii laa_haasil! bas ab, yaadoN kii hii ruudaad hai
4.
kaise ban aaye kisii kii aarzuu-e-vasl-e-yaar?
dar pe baiThaa hai jo, vo darbaaN nahiiN jallaad hai
5.
saNg_dil ke dil meN ab ik ghar taraashaa chaahiye
qaom-e-'aashiq raa cheh nisbat az ba_qaom-e-'Aad hai
6.
ba'd az murdan mire, hargiz na aanaa giryaa_zan
hai nadaamat gar zaraa to bas yak_nafas mii'aad hai
7.
uNke paihluu meN jo aaye aur aa kar ro diye
Khush tabii'at hai miri, dil bhii baRaa shaad hai
8.
baih gaye gar ham to kyaa GaNg_o_Jaman kii dhaar meN
bar sar-e-"SaNgam" mileNge, vo jaa Allahabad hai
9.
ba'd az naa_kaami-e-'ishq itne yaar kyuN haiN?
"Saihbaa_jii"! "dushman kaa dushman yaar hai!" kyuN? yaad hai
________________________________________________________________________________
hasb-e-ma'muul,
faqat aapkii aaraa, islaah aur hausalah_afzaaii kaa mutamannii,
Aslam "Saihbaa"
Sarwar Alam Raz
Janaab Aslam saaheb: Tasleemaat
Aap kee Ghazal nazar se guzree aur ab us per apne ta-assuraat le kar
Haazir-e-Khidmat ho rahaa hooN. Kisee ke kalaam per izhaar-e-Khayaal
kee do (2) soorataiN mumkin haiN. Aik yeh ke az-raah-e-murawwat tareef
se dostee kaa Haq adaa kiyaa jaae aur doosree yeh ke bilaa-takalluf
apnee raae saaf saaf dee jaae, qata-nazar is se ke us kaa asar kyaa
murattab hotaa hai. Meraa Khayaal hai ke doosraa tareeqa her liHaaz se
behtar hai. Chunaanche meri raae hamesha Khuloos per mabnee hogee aur
is maiN kisee qism kee khoaT ka shaaeba bhee naheeN hogaa. Aap se
darKhwast hai ke meree ma-roozaat ko isee tanaazur maiN daikhaiN. Jo
baat pasand aae use iKhtiyaar keejiye aur jo pasand na aae use
be-takalluf radd kar deejiye:
tai kar chukaa hooN raah-e-muHabbat ke marHale
is se ziyaada Haajat-e-sharh-o-bayaaN naheeN (Raaz
Chaandpooree)
Ghazal kee Kkusoosiyaat maiN uloo-e-Khayaal, Husn-e-zubaan-o-bayaan,
asar-pazeeree waGhaira ko shumaar kiyaa jaata hai. Zair-e-nazar Ghazal
maiN in kee kamee maHsoos hotee hai aur chand funnee (technical)
naqaa-is bhee mojood haiN jin kee nishaan-dahee kar rahaa hooN. Agar
kaheeN mujh se koi kotaahee ho gayee hai to ma-zarat Khwaah hooN. Aap
yaa koi aur saaheb-e-nazar mujhe aagaah kar daiN to main apnee islaaH
ke liye hama waqt taiyyar hooN.
(1, 2): Ashaar mozooN to haiN magar in maiN mazmoon kee bulandee aur
bayaan kee Khoobsooratee naheeN hai.
(3) Mazmoon ma-moolee hai aur islaaH kee bohat gunjaaish hai. DonoN
misroN kaa rabt-e-baahamee mubham, balke mashkook, hai. :Laa-Haasil:
ba-manee :jo na mil sake: durust naheeN hai. Is lafz kaa matlab
:be-sood, be-faaida: hai: maslan :kuchh kehnaaa laa-haasil hai:. Shair
per maHnat kee zaroorat hai.
(4) Mazmoon ke liye (3) daikh leejiye. Pehle misre maiN :ban aaye: kee
jagah :pooree ho: likhnaa shaayad behtar ho.
(5) Mazmoon mamoolee aur bayaan Ghareeb hai. :Qaum-e-aashiq
(ushshaaq?): kaa :qaum-e-Aad: se bhalaa kyaa ta-alluq hai? Doosre
misre maiN :az: kee jagah :baa: honaa chaahiye (maslan :che nisbat
Khaak raa baa aalam-e-paak?:).
(6) Doosraa misra wazan se Khaarij hai. :Ba-d-e-murdan: yaa :ba-d az
marg: saHeeH hai magar :ba-d az murdan:? Lafz :girya-zan: qawaaid ke
liHaaz se shaayad saHeeH ho magar Ghaaliban faseeH naheeN hai.
:giryaaN: likhaiN to behtar hai.
ba-d-e-murdan bhee hamaaree yaad ho peer-e-muGhaaN
jaam kuchh toote hue hoN qabr kee ta-meer maiN
(7) Doosraa misra Kharij-az-wazan hai. Shair maiN :shutur-gurba:
(lafzee ma-nee :oont aur billlee:) kaa nuqs hai kyoNke pehle misre
maiN :aae: aur :ro-diye: hai (seeGha-e-jama-mutakallim) aur doosre
maiN :meree: (seeGha-e-waahid-mutakallim). DonoN misroN main aik hee
seeGha istaimaal ho saktaa hai, do (2) naheeN.
(8)Yeh shair Ghazal kaa naheeN hai. Waise bhee :Allah-baad: paRhiye to
misra mozooN hotaa hai. Is ko yaa to Hazaf kar deejiye yaa phir se
kahiye.
(9) Pehlaa misra wazan se Khaarij hai aur doosre maiN :Sehbaa-jee: kee
:alif: dabtee hai ya-nee misra :Sehbajee: paRne se mozooN hotaa hai.
Ummeed hai ke meree koi baat baar-e-Khaatir naheeN huee hogee. Ziyaada
Hadd-e-adab!
Iraadat kaish
Sarwar Raz :Sarwar:
Aslam Sahbaa
>
> Aap kee Ghazal nazar se guzree aur ab us per apne ta-assuraat le kar
> Haazir-e-Khidmat ho rahaa hooN. Kisee ke kalaam per izhaar-e-Khayaal
> kee do (2) soorataiN mumkin haiN. Aik yeh ke az-raah-e-murawwat tareef
> se dostee kaa Haq adaa kiyaa jaae aur doosree yeh ke bilaa-takalluf
> apnee raae saaf saaf dee jaae, qata-nazar is se ke us kaa asar kyaa
> murattab hotaa hai. Meraa Khayaal hai ke doosraa tareeqa her liHaaz se
> behtar hai. Chunaanche meri raae hamesha Khuloos per mabnee hogee aur
> is maiN kisee qism kee khoaT ka shaaeba bhee naheeN hogaa. Aap se
> darKhwast hai ke meree ma-roozaat ko isee tanaazur maiN daikhaiN. Jo
> baat pasand aae use iKhtiyaar keejiye aur jo pasand na aae use
> be-takalluf radd kar deejiye:
>
> tai kar chukaa hooN raah-e-muHabbat ke marHale
> is se ziyaada Haajat-e-sharh-o-bayaaN naheeN (Raaz
> Chaandpooree)
mohtaramii wa mukarramii janaab-e-Sarwar Saahab,
assalaam_o_'alaikum,
ummiid hai ki mizaaj-e-giraamii ba_Khair hoNge.
aapkaa yeh Khat dekh kar mujhe kis qadar Khushii nasiib huii iskaa
aNdaaza shaayad aap na lagaa sakeN. aapkaa bahot, bahot shukria ki
aapne merii is adnaa sii koshish ko is qaabil samjhaa ki aapne is par
apne besh_bahaa ta'ssuraat kaa izhaar kiyaa. shukria wa sad_hazaar
shukria.
aapke Khuluus_o_mohabbat kaa mujhe bilaa ta'ammul a'iteraaf hai.
yaqiin jaaniye ki maiN bhii iNhiiN usuuloN kaa kulliyah taur par
paaband huuN. aapne ba_jaa farmayaa ki mere jaisaa ek tifl-e-maktab
kii rah_numaaii hii haq_ba_jaanib hai. Khudaa aapko is kaar-e-Khair
kii jazaa de. maiN taa_'umr aapkaa ahsaan_mand rahuuNgaa. shukria.
________________________________________________________________________________
> Ghazal kee Kkusoosiyaat maiN uloo-e-Khayaal, Husn-e-zubaan-o-bayaan,
> asar-pazeeree waGhaira ko shumaar kiyaa jaata hai. Zair-e-nazar Ghazal
> maiN in kee kamee maHsoos hotee hai aur chand funnee (technical)
> naqaa-is bhee mojood haiN jin kee nishaan-dahee kar rahaa hooN. Agar
> kaheeN mujh se koi kotaahee ho gayee hai to ma-zarat Khwaah hooN. Aap
> yaa koi aur saaheb-e-nazar mujhe aagaah kar daiN to main apnee islaaH
> ke liye hama waqt taiyyar hooN.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ghazal kii Khusuusiyaat kii jo ta'riif aapne Khaama_farsaaii kii hai
uske husuul kii har ubharte huye shaa'ir kaa maqsad-e-a'in hotaa hai.
aapne jo islaah kaa iraadii taur par jo zimma apne sar liya hai maiN
uske liye aapkaa be_had mashkuur_o_mamnuun huuN.
yeh tikniki naqaais aur pasti-e-Khayaal_o_bayaan jo meraa kalaam meN
jaa_ba_jaa paayaa jaataa hai uskii bunyaadii vajeh yeh hai ki maiN
waqe'atan tifl-e-maktab huuN. abhii jum'a, jum'a aaTh dinoN kaa yeh
shaoq_o_zaoq hai. mujhe March 2000 meN yeh shaoq "charrayaa" [mu'aaf
kijiye gaa is naa_munaasib istilaah kaa] thaa. she'r_o_shaa'irii kaa
yeh zaoq mujhe apne azdaad se virse meN milaa. mere vaalid marhuum aur
do aur sho'araa janaab-e-AsGhar GoNDvii ke shaagird rahe haiN. jis
mauz'a-e-Khurd [Saiyed SarawaN, zil'a Allahabad] se meraa ta'alluq hai
vo kabhii adabii mahaafil kaa gehwaaraa rahaa hai. is gaaoN ke
salaanah mushaa'iroN meN mashhuur hastiyoN ne hissaa liyaa jinke
ismaa-e-giraamii se kaon aaj bhii kaon waaqif nahiiN hai, jaise AsGhar
GoNDvii, Jigar Moradabadi, Firaaq Gorakhpuri; vaGhairah vaGhairah.
maiN AsGhar GoNDvii Saahab ke in shaagirdoN kaa kalaam
waqtan_fa_waqtan is mehfil ke taKhti-e-paiGhaam par chaspaaN kartaa
rahtaa huuN. meraa musammam iraada hai ki maiN inshaa_Allah jald hii
un hazraat ke kalaam ko barqii_nizaam-e-'aNkabootii [electronic
networking system] ke zari'ye shaaiqiin-e-Ghazliyaat se ruu_shinaas
karvaauuNgaa. bas, aapkii du'aaoN kaa taalib huuN.
aapke kalaam meN bhii vaisaa hii raNg nazar aataa hai jo hamaare
isaatezah ke shaagirdoN meN paayaa jaataa hai. maiN ne aapkii
Ghazliyaat paRhii haiN aur be_intehaa pasand bhii kiyaa. aur isii
tarah is mehfil meN do saahabaan aur haiN jinke kalaam se maiN be_had
muta'ssir huaa huuN. ek haiN hamaare har_dil_'aziiz shaa'ir
janaab-e-Raj Kumar "Qais" Saahab aur duusre haiN janaab-e-Mas'uud Raza
Saahab. vaise, chand aur sho'aaraa haiN jinke kalaam qaabil-e-sataaish
haiN masalan Zafar Saahab, Irfan Saahab, aur Rajiv Chakravarti Saahab.
Allah un sabhii ko kuchh aur zor-e-qalam de. aamiin.
________________________________________________________________________________
apnii Ghazal ke ash'aar par aapke noqaat-e-islaahii par maiN
inshaa_Allah kisi aur waqt kuchh kahne kii jasaarat karuuNgaa. is waqt
waqt kii kamii hai. ma'azrat_Khowaah huuN. Be_Gham [Begum] Saahibaa
kaa hukm saadir huaa hai ki maiN ghar se kuuch karuuN aur bazaar kaa
ruKh aKhtiyaar karuuN. bas, ba_Gharz-e-'aafiiyat aur
'umuur-e-Khaana_daarii unke hukm ko bajaa_laanaa hii amr-e-daanaaii
hai. phir mileNge gar Khuda laayaa!
faqat ahsaan_mand,
Aslam "sahbaa"
Sarwar Alam Raz
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------------->
> assalaam_o_'alaikum,
>
> ummiid hai ki mizaaj-e-giraamii ba_Khair hoNge.
>
> aapkaa yeh Khat dekh kar mujhe kis qadar Khushii nasiib huii iskaa
> aNdaaza shaayad aap na lagaa sakeN. aapkaa bahot, bahot shukria ki
> aapne merii is adnaa sii koshish ko is qaabil samjhaa ki aapne is par
> apne besh_bahaa ta'ssuraat kaa izhaar kiyaa. shukria wa sad_hazaar
> shukria.
>
> aapke Khuluus_o_mohabbat kaa mujhe bilaa ta'ammul a'iteraaf hai.
> yaqiin jaaniye ki maiN bhii iNhiiN usuuloN kaa kulliyah taur par
> paaband huuN. aapne ba_jaa farmayaa ki mere jaisaa ek tifl-e-maktab
> kii rah_numaaii hii haq_ba_jaanib hai. Khudaa aapko is kaar-e-Khair
> kii jazaa de. maiN taa_'umr aapkaa ahsaan_mand rahuuNgaa. shukria.
>
aslam saaheb salaam aap ne to mujhe sharminda kar diyaa. maiN in
alfaaz kaa kab mustaHiq thaa! bahar haal mujhe KHushee hai ke aap ne
meree raae ko qaabil-e-GHor samjhaa. mere liye yehee bohat hai!
________________________________________________________________________________
>
> Ghazal kii Khusuusiyaat kii jo ta'riif aapne Khaama_farsaaii kii hai
> uske husuul kii har ubharte huye shaa'ir kaa maqsad-e-a'in hotaa hai.
> aapne jo islaah kaa iraadii taur par jo zimma apne sar liya hai maiN
> uske liye aapkaa be_had mashkuur_o_mamnuun huuN.
>
> yeh tikniki naqaais aur pasti-e-Khayaal_o_bayaan jo meraa kalaam meN
> jaa_ba_jaa paayaa jaataa hai uskii bunyaadii vajeh yeh hai ki maiN
> waqe'atan tifl-e-maktab huuN. abhii jum'a, jum'a aaTh dinoN kaa yeh
> shaoq_o_zaoq hai. mujhe March 2000 meN yeh shaoq "charrayaa" [mu'aaf
> kijiye gaa is naa_munaasib istilaah kaa] thaa. she'r_o_shaa'irii kaa
> yeh zaoq mujhe apne azdaad se virse meN milaa. mere vaalid marhuum aur
> do aur sho'araa janaab-e-AsGhar GoNDvii ke shaagird rahe haiN. jis
> mauz'a-e-Khurd [Saiyed SarawaN, zil'a Allahabad] se meraa ta'alluq hai
> vo kabhii adabii mahaafil kaa gehwaaraa rahaa hai. is gaaoN ke
> salaanah mushaa'iroN meN mashhuur hastiyoN ne hissaa liyaa jinke
> ismaa-e-giraamii se kaon aaj bhii kaon waaqif nahiiN hai, jaise AsGhar
> GoNDvii, Jigar Moradabadi, Firaaq Gorakhpuri; vaGhairah vaGhairah.
> maiN AsGhar GoNDvii Saahab ke in shaagirdoN kaa kalaam
> waqtan_fa_waqtan is mehfil ke taKhti-e-paiGhaam par chaspaaN kartaa
> rahtaa huuN. meraa musammam iraada hai ki maiN inshaa_Allah jald hii
> un hazraat ke kalaam ko barqii_nizaam-e-'aNkabootii [electronic
> networking system] ke zari'ye shaaiqiin-e-Ghazliyaat se ruu_shinaas
> karvaauuNgaa. bas, aapkii du'aaoN kaa taalib huuN.
>
jaisaa ke maiN ne aur kaee martaba likhaa hai, maiN aik ma-moole
shaa-ir hooN aur mere is bayaan maiN koi shaa-iraana mubaaliGHa naheeN
hai. maiN aap ke yaa kisee aur ke kalaam per islaaH karne ke qaabil
naheeN hooN, albatta apnee raae daine maiN mujhe baak naheeN hai. us
se agar kisee kaa faaida ho jae to zah-e-naseeb.
aap jis KHanwaade se haiN us se maiN naa-waaqif naheeN hooN. pichhlee
sadee maiN chand sho-raa ko GHazal-goee maiN azeem maanaa gayaa hai.
in maiN Hasrat mohaanee, Jigar muraadaabaadee aur AsGHar gondavee
paish paish haiN . AsGHar saaheb se waalid marHoom (Raaz Chaandpooree)
ko neyaaz Haasil thaa. ab na woh log baaqee haiN aur na woh baataiN!
aur ab to hamaara bhee chal chalaao lagne waalaa hai. rahe naam Allah
kaa!!
> aapke kalaam meN bhii vaisaa hii raNg nazar aataa hai jo hamaare
> isaatezah ke shaagirdoN meN paayaa jaataa hai. maiN ne aapkii
> Ghazliyaat paRhii haiN aur be_intehaa pasand bhii kiyaa. aur isii
> tarah is mehfil meN do saahabaan aur haiN jinke kalaam se maiN be_had
> muta'ssir huaa huuN. ek haiN hamaare har_dil_'aziiz shaa'ir
> janaab-e-Raj Kumar "Qais" Saahab aur duusre haiN janaab-e-Mas'uud Raza
> Saahab. vaise, chand aur sho'aaraa haiN jinke kalaam qaabil-e-sataaish
> haiN masalan Zafar Saahab, Irfan Saahab, aur Rajiv Chakravarti Saahab.
> Allah un sabhii ko kuchh aur zor-e-qalam de. aamiin.
>
bhaaee, mere kalaam kaa haal kuch maiN hee KHoob jaantaa hooN! KHair
aap ko pasand aayaa to baRee baat hai. meraa maslak is zimn maiN mere
is shair se zaahir hai:
shaa-iree apnee baraa-e-bait hai, Sarwar ke maiN
Haashiya-bardaar-e-GHaalib, KHosha-cheen-e-Meer hooN
________________________________________________________________________________
>
> apnii Ghazal ke ash'aar par aapke noqaat-e-islaahii par maiN
> inshaa_Allah kisi aur waqt kuchh kahne kii jasaarat karuuNgaa. is waqt
> waqt kii kamii hai. ma'azrat_Khowaah huuN. Be_Gham [Begum] Saahibaa
> kaa hukm saadir huaa hai ki maiN ghar se kuuch karuuN aur bazaar kaa
> ruKh aKhtiyaar karuuN. bas, ba_Gharz-e-'aafiiyat aur
> 'umuur-e-Khaana_daarii unke hukm ko bajaa_laanaa hii amr-e-daanaaii
> hai. phir mileNge gar Khuda laayaa!
aap ka yeh bayaan paRh kar maza aagayaa! is manzil per aakar shaairee
waairee sab dharee kee dharee reh jaatee hai. jab begam saaheba
ijaazat daiN to phir idhar tawajjuh farmaaiyegaa! haaN un tak meraa
salaam pohNchaa deejiye.
KHaadim
Sarwar Raz :Sarwar:
>
> faqat ahsaan_mand,
>
> Aslam "sahbaa"
Aslam Sahbaa
> > "nafs-e-'ammaaraa ko maaraa!", to phir "vohii" jihaad hai
> >
> > to, Ghazal haazie-e-Khidmat hai, mulaahezah farmaaiye:
mohtaramii wa mukarramii janaab-e-Sarwar Saahab,
assalaam_o_'alaikum,
ummiid hai ki mizaaj-e-giraamii ba_Khair hoNge.
maiN hasb-e-va'da aapkii Khidmat meN phir haazir huuN. aapne baalaa
she'r ke baabat apne kisii ta'assur kaa izhaar nahiiN kiyaa. ho saktaa
hai ki aapkii nazroN se yeh she'r na guzraa ho. Khair, agar kuchh
islaah farmaa deNge to mehr_baanii hogii.
is silsile se ek baat kahtaa chaluuN to munaasib ho gaa. paihlaa
misr'a awwalan maiN ne yuN kahaa thaa:
qatl_o_Ghaarat aur tashaddud, taskiin-e-iimaaN hoN, magar
maiN ne is misr'e ko maujuuda misr'e se mutabaddil is liye kiyaa ki in
haraakaat-e-mujrimaanaa "taskiin-e-iimaaN" qata'ii nahiiN ho saktiiN,
haaN! taskiin-e-dil zaruur ho saktii haiN. aapkaa kyaa Khayaal hai?
PLEASE CONTINUE READING
> (1, 2): Ashaar mozooN to haiN magar in maiN mazmoon kee bulandee aur
> bayaan kee Khoobsooratee naheeN hai.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
aapkaa tajziyah bil_kul dusrust hai. Ghazal kii ta'riif jo aapne
bayaan farmaaii hai vo yaqiinan har she'r kahne_waale [shaa'ir?] ke
liye suud_mand hai aur yehii uskii manzil bhii, magar vahaaN tak
chande_ma'duude hii pahoNch paate haiN.
________________________________________________________________________________
> (3) Mazmoon ma-moolee hai aur islaaH kee bohat gunjaaish hai. DonoN
> misroN kaa rabt-e-baahamee mubham, balke mashkook, hai. :Laa-Haasil:
> ba-manee :jo na mil sake: durust naheeN hai. Is lafz kaa matlab
> :be-sood, be-faaida: hai: maslan :kuchh kehnaaa laa-haasil hai:. Shair
> per maHnat kee zaroorat hai.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
maiN ne is she'r ko yuN kahne kii koshish kii hai ho saktaa hai yehi
behtar ho:
uNgliyaaN gesuu meN terii maiN ne pheriiN thiiN kabhi
vo thaa laa_haasil aur ab yaadoN kii hii yaad hai
________________________________________________________________________________
> (4) Mazmoon ke liye (3) daikh leejiye. Pehle misre maiN :ban aaye: kee
> jagah :pooree ho: likhnaa shaayad behtar ho.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
is she'r ke likhne meN mujh se Ghalatii sar_zad huii thii.
dar_haqiiqat lafz-e-"ban" nahiiN hai balki "bar" hai. is she'r ko phir
se kahne kii koshish kii hai, mulaahezah farmaaiye:
kaise bar aaye kisii kii aarzuu-e-vasl-e-yaar
dar pe baiThaa hai jo uske, darbaaN nahiiN jallaad hai
________________________________________________________________________________
> (5) Mazmoon mamoolee aur bayaan Ghareeb hai. :Qaum-e-aashiq
> (ushshaaq?): kaa :qaum-e-Aad: se bhalaa kyaa ta-alluq hai? Doosre
> misre maiN :az: kee jagah :baa: honaa chaahiye (maslan :che nisbat
> Khaak raa baa aalam-e-paak?:).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
is she'r meN kai naqaais haiN jinkii nishaan_dehii aapne farmaaii hai.
maiN uN naqaais ko duur karne kii koshish karte huye is she'r meN
tarmiim kii hai jo yuN hai:
saNg_dil ke dil meN ab ik ghar taraashaa chaahiye
nisbat-e-iiN qaom-e-"'aashiq" raa baa qaom-e-"Aad" hai
yahaaN, meraa yeh kahnaa matluub thaa ki jis tarah qaom-e-"Aad"
pahaaRoN ko kaaT, kaaT kar apne liye rihaaish_gaah banaane meN
maahir-e-fan thii to ba_mislehii qaom-e-ushshaaq bhii apnii
rihaaish_gaah mehbuub ke dil meN banaaye [kaaT, kaaT kar yaa mom kaa
dil pighlaa, pighlaa ke]. aur yehii nisbat donoN ko joRtii hai!!!
aapkaa is Khayaal ke baare meN kyaa raaye hai?
jahaaN_tak "qaom-e-'aashiq" ke iste'maal kaa ta'alluq hai vo is liye
huaa ki chuNki "Aad" ism hai aur seGha-e-waahid hai le_haazaa
"qaom-e-'ushshaaq" ke ba_jaaye "qaom-e-'aashiq" ke iste'maal ko ravaa
jaanaa ba_taor-e-shaa'iraanaa istelaah [poetic license].
aapkii aaraa kaa shiddat ke saath iNtezaar rahegaa. shukria.
________________________________________________________________________________
> (6) Doosraa misra wazan se Khaarij hai. :Ba-d-e-murdan: yaa :ba-d az
> marg: saHeeH hai magar :ba-d az murdan:? Lafz :girya-zan: qawaaid ke
> liHaaz se shaayad saHeeH ho magar Ghaaliban faseeH naheeN hai.
> :giryaaN: likhaiN to behtar hai.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
jii Sarwar Saahab, aapne sahiih farmaayaa. mujhse sahvan yeh Ghalatii
sar_zad huii. maiN ne is she'r ko az sar-e-nau kahaa hai jiskii suurat
yuN rahii hai:
ba'd marne ke mire, hargiz na aanaa giryaa_zan
hai nadaamat to phir aa!, bas ik nafas mii'aad hai
ummiid hai ki ab yeh she'r qaabil-e-qubuul ho gayaa hogaa.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
> (7) Doosraa misra Kharij-az-wazan hai. Shair maiN :shutur-gurba:
> (lafzee ma-nee :oont aur billlee:) kaa nuqs hai kyoNke pehle misre
> maiN :aae: aur :ro-diye: hai (seeGha-e-jama-mutakallim) aur doosre
> maiN :meree: (seeGha-e-waahid-mutakallim). DonoN misroN main aik hee
> seeGha istaimaal ho saktaa hai, do (2) naheeN.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
is she'r ko baihr meN laane ke liye ise yuN kahne kii koshish kii hai,
mulaahezah farmaaiye:
aapke paihluu meN aaye aur aakar ro diye
Khush tabii'at hai hamaarii aur dil bhii shaad hai
aapne jo noqs-e-"shutur_gurbaa" kaa jo zikr kiyaa hai. aap yaqiin
jaaniye is usuul se to maiN vaaqif thaa magar sahvan aisaa huaa.
IMPORTANT OBSERVATION:
"shutur_gurbaa" kaa tifl-e-maktab ke sho'araa~ ke yahaaN kasrat se
paayaa jaataa hai. yeh musaddeqa usuul haiN jiskii paa_baNdii
laazim_o_malzuum hai., PAR ek misaal maiN aise ustaad shaa'ir ke she'r
se denaa chaahtaa huuN jis meN yeh ba_zaahir yeh noqs paayaa jaataa
hai. vo she'r ustaad shaa'ir Momim KhaN "Momin" kaa hai, mulaahezah
farmaaiye:
jise AAP kahte the aashnaa, jise AAP kahte the be_vafaa
maiN vohi huuN "Momin"-e-mubtilaa~, TUMHEN yaad ho ki na yaad ho
aisaa kyuN? kyaa unse bhi sahvan yeh Ghalatii sar_zad huii jiske
imkaanaat na ke baraabar haiN yaa phir koii aisii suurat hai jismeN
yeh laGhzish ravaa hai. aapke aur digar ALUPers ke ta'assuraat kaa
maiN mutamannii huuN. shukria.
________________________________________________________________________________
> (8)Yeh shair Ghazal kaa naheeN hai. Waise bhee :Allah-baad: paRhiye to
> misra mozooN hotaa hai. Is ko yaa to Hazaf kar deejiye yaa phir se
> kahiye.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
aapkaa hukm sar_aaNkhoN pe aur maiN ne is she'r ko hazaf kar diyaa
hai. vaise, maiN is she'r ko halke_phulke [phulkoN se puraanii yaad
taazaa ho gaii jab hamaare buzurg tabii'at kii naa_saazgii kii haalat
meN yaa az raah-e-bahaanaa garm, garm phulke aur shorbaa maze se
uRaayaa karte the aur ham bas nivaalaa_nigar huaa karte the!] aNdaaz
meN ba_taur "zimnii" she'r kahnaa chaahaa thaa.
________________________________________________________________________________
> (9) Pehlaa misra wazan se Khaarij hai aur doosre maiN :Sehbaa-jee: kee
> :alif: dabtee hai ya-nee misra :Sehbajee: paRne se mozooN hotaa hai.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
paihle misr'e ko baihr meN laane kii koshish kar rahaa huuN:
ba'd az naa_kaamii-e-'ishq yaar haiN bisyaar kyuN?
"Sahbaa_jii" "dushman kaa dushman yaar hai!" kyaa yaad hai?
aapne dukhtii huii rag par uNglii rakh dii. aapne bil_kul sahiih
tashiih farmaaii hai. chuNki mujhe baihr par koii 'ubuur nahiiN hai
jiskaa mujhe a'iteraaf hai. maiN 'umuuman guNgunaa kar hii baihr ko
qaabuu meN kartaa huuN aur yehi vajeh hai ki maiN ne aisaa karte huye
"Saihbaa_jii" ke ba_jaaye "Sahba_jii" kah gayaa. aapne farmaayaa ki
"sahba_jii" mauzuuN hai le_hazaa maiN ise juuN_kaa_tuuN rakh rahaa
huuN. aapkii raaye kaa intezaar rahegaa.
________________________________________________________________________________
> Ummeed hai ke meree koi baat baar-e-Khaatir naheeN huee hogee. Ziyaada
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
mohtaramii Sarwar Saahab aap mujhe yuN sharminda na kareN. maiN to
aapkaa ahsaan_mand huuN ki aapne mujhe apnaa qiimtii waqt de kar merii
Ghazal par tafsiilii islaah farmaaii. maiN az teh-e-dil aapkaa
taa_'umr mashkuur_o_mamnuun rahuuNgaa. Allah aapko iskii jazaa-e-Khair
de aamiin, summaa_aamiin.
faqat Khaadim,
Aslam "Sahbaa"
Sarwar Alam Raz
> sarw...@yahoo.com (Sarwar Alam Raz) wrote in message
> > > qatl_o_Ghaarat aur tashaddud: taskiin-e-dil hoNge, magar
> > > "nafs-e-'ammaaraa ko maaraa!", to phir "vohii" jihaad hai
> > >
> > > to, Ghazal haazie-e-Khidmat hai, mulaahezah farmaaiye:
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> mohtaramii wa mukarramii janaab-e-Sarwar Saahab,
> assalaam_o_'alaikum,
>
> ummiid hai ki mizaaj-e-giraamii ba_Khair hoNge.
>
> maiN hasb-e-va'da aapkii Khidmat meN phir haazir huuN. aapne baalaa
> she'r ke baabat apne kisii ta'assur kaa izhaar nahiiN kiyaa. ho saktaa
> hai ki aapkii nazroN se yeh she'r na guzraa ho. Khair, agar kuchh
> islaah farmaa deNge to mehr_baanii hogii.
>
aap ke is KHat kaa jawaab kuChh waqt chaahataa hai. insha Allah maiN
aik do din maiN tafseel se likhooNgaa. yeh muKhtasar saa KHat is kee
daleel hai ke maiN ne Khat paRh liyaa hai. wassalaam.
Sarwar
Sarwar Alam Raz
> sarw...@yahoo.com (Sarwar Alam Raz) wrote in message
> > > qatl_o_Ghaarat aur tashaddud: taskiin-e-dil hoNge, magar
> > > "nafs-e-'ammaaraa ko maaraa!", to phir "vohii" jihaad hai
> > >
> > > to, Ghazal haazie-e-Khidmat hai, mulaahezah farmaaiye:
> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> mohtaramii wa mukarramii janaab-e-Sarwar Saahab,
> assalaam_o_'alaikum,
>
Sarwar Raz
janaab Sahbaa saaheb: aadaab
aapake KHat kaa jawaab Haazir hai. maiN chand baataiN likh rahaa hooN.
Ummeed hai ke woh baar-e-Khatir naheeN hoNgee. agar aap in per amal
karne ke liye tayyar haiN to bismillah! her fun main dastaras Haasil
karne ke liye chaar cheezeN zarooree haiN:
(1)ahliyat (2) shoq (3) saHeeH raah-numaaee (4) mehnat.
aap mehnat ke liye taiyyar haiN, ahliyat kaa andaaza mujhe ho gayaa
hai, ibtidaaee rah-numaaee main apne maHdood ilm-o-tajrube kee roshnee
meiN de saktaa hooN. ab kaamyaabee kaa daar-o-madaar aap kee mehnat
per hai. mere maroozaat Hasb-e-zail haiN:
(1)kalaam kee deegar Khoobiyaan aatee rahengee. Sab se pehle shair
mozooN honaa chaahiye. aap gungunaanaa choR deejiye kyoNke is se
mozooniyat kaa aHsaas majrroH hotaa hai. aap ashaar buland aawaaz se
sanbhal saNbhal kar paRhaa keejiye aur kaan lagaa kar Ghor kareN ke
kis taraH alfaaz aapas meiN marboot aur rawaan hokar shair kee
tashkeel karteN haiN, zubaan kaheeN ataktee to naheeN hai, her misra
ek hee lambaaee (wazan) kaa hai ke naheeN aur donoN misre mil kar
kaise ek hee mazmoon ada karte haiN.
(2)apnaa mutaleaa wasee keejiye ke kisee ne kyaa kahaa hai, kaise
kahaa hai aur isee taraH kyoN kahaa hai. shuroo main sirf shair ko
mozooN karne per zor deejiye
(3)mubtadeeyoN ke liye ek tareeqa bohat kaar-aamad hai.:
(a)aasaan behr aur zameen (qawaafee aur radeef) leejiye
(b)kaaGhaz per mumkinah qaafiye likh leejiye. Her qaafiye per shair
kehnaa zarooree naheeN hai.
(c)ashaar ke doosre misre pehle kahiye. jab in se aap mutmain ho jaaeN
to pehle misre kee taraf tawajjuh keejiye. her shair kaa doosra misra
apna pehla misra aap ko Khud sujhaayegaa. shair keh kar us per baar
baar mehnat keejiye yahaaN tak ke aap kaa itmeenaan ho jaae
(d)shuroo meiN 6 ashaar se ziyaada na kaheN, magar mozooN kaheN
ab main aap ke ashaar durust kartaa hooN . yahaaN sirf wazan Theek
karooNgaa. mazmoon per dhyaan naheeN dooNgaa. woh bad kee manzil hai
(3)ungliyaaN gaisoo meiN teree main ne pheree theeN kabhee
"mujh ko ab tak aashaqee kaa who zamaanaa yaad hai" (Hasrat
mohaanee)
(4)kaise bar aae hamaree aarzoo-e-wasl-e-yaar
dar pe jo baiThaa hai who darbaaN naheeN jallad hai
(5)is shair ko Hazaf kar deejiye.
(6)bad marne ke mere hargiz na aanaa girya-zan
gar nidaamat hai to aa ke yak nafas meeaad hai
(7)yeh shair wazan meiN hai
(8)ishq meiN naakaam hai lekin zamaana dost hai
"tere dushman kaa hai dushman yaar", Sahbaa, yaad hai?
Note: ab aap samajh gaye hoNge ke maiN ne aap ke shair:qatl-o-Ghaarat;
per kyoN izhaar-e-raae naheeN kiyaa thaa. meiN aap ke us sawaal ka
jawaab jo aap ne Momin ke shair (jise aap ginte the--) per kiyaa thaa
alup per alag ("Ghazal kaa ek nuqs "shutur-gurba" ke naam se) post kar
rahaa hooN taake aur log use aasaanee se paRh sakeN. aap use dekh kar
mujhe likheN ke aap mutmain haiN ke naheeN.
agar koi baat naagavaar guzree ho to mazrat Khwah hooN
muKhlis
Sarwar Raz :Sarwar:
Aslam Sahbaa
> janaab Sahbaa saaheb: aadaab
>
> aapake KHat kaa jawaab Haazir hai. maiN chand baataiN likh rahaa hooN.
> Ummeed hai ke woh baar-e-Khatir naheeN hoNgee. agar aap in per amal
> karne ke liye tayyar haiN to bismillah! her fun main dastaras Haasil
> karne ke liye chaar cheezeN zarooree haiN:
> (1)ahliyat (2) shoq (3) saHeeH raah-numaaee (4) mehnat.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"b_ism_i_(A)llah" karvaane kaa bahot, bahot shukria. maiN "mehnat" ko
mashaqqat kii had tak karne ko raazii to kyaa maiN sar_ba_paa haazir
huuN. qubuul farmaaiye. shukria. Khavaas-e-arb'a kaa jo aapne tazkirah
kiyaa hai us silsile se maiN sirf itnaa hii kahnaa chaahuuNgaa ki doem
aur chahaarum noqaat ko maiN ne apne aNTii meN baaNdh liye haiN.
aapkii rah_numaaii mere liye baa'is-e-sad_hazaar_faKhr aur mere liye
yeh mash'al-e-raah hogii. shukria. albattah, jahaaN_tak "ahliyat" kaa
sowaal [aslii talaffuz "sawaal" hai yaa "sowaal"?] hai, to iskaa mujhe
Khud bhii aNdaazaa nahiiN, naa ke baraabar hii samajh lijiiye.
________________________________________________________________________________
> (1)kalaam kee deegar Khoobiyaan aatee rahengee. Sab se pehle shair
> mozooN honaa chaahiye. aap gungunaanaa choR deejiye kyoNke is se
> mozooniyat kaa aHsaas majrroH hotaa hai. aap ashaar buland aawaaz se
> sanbhal saNbhal kar paRhaa keejiye aur kaan lagaa kar Ghor kareN ke
> kis taraH alfaaz aapas meiN marboot aur rawaan hokar shair kee
> tashkeel karteN haiN, zubaan kaheeN ataktee to naheeN hai, her misra
> ek hee lambaaee (wazan) kaa hai ke naheeN aur donoN misre mil kar
> kaise ek hee mazmoon ada karte haiN.
> (2)apnaa mutaleaa wasee keejiye ke kisee ne kyaa kahaa hai, kaise
> kahaa hai aur isee taraH kyoN kahaa hai. shuroo main sirf shair ko
> mozooN karne per zor deejiye
>
> (3)mubtadeeyoN ke liye ek tareeqa bohat kaar-aamad hai.:
>
> (a)aasaan behr aur zameen (qawaafee aur radeef) leejiye
>
> (b)kaaGhaz per mumkinah qaafiye likh leejiye. Her qaafiye per shair
> kehnaa zarooree naheeN hai.
>
> (c)ashaar ke doosre misre pehle kahiye. jab in se aap mutmain ho jaaeN
> to pehle misre kee taraf tawajjuh keejiye. her shair kaa doosra misra
> apna pehla misra aap ko Khud sujhaayegaa. shair keh kar us per baar
> baar mehnat keejiye yahaaN tak ke aap kaa itmeenaan ho jaae
>
> (d)shuroo meiN 6 ashaar se ziyaada na kaheN, magar mozooN kaheN
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
maiN ne aapke "noqaat-e-islaahiyah" ko yaqiin jaaniye apnii "anThii"
meN baaNdh liye haiN aur in par 'amal_dar_aamadagii ko apnaa maslak
banaauuNgaa, inshaa_Allah. aapkaa ik baar phir az_teh-e-dil shukria.
________________________________________________________________________________
> ab main aap ke ashaar durust kartaa hooN . yahaaN sirf wazan Theek
> karooNgaa. mazmoon per dhyaan naheeN dooNgaa. woh bad kee manzil hai
>
> (3)ungliyaaN gaisoo meiN teree main ne pheree theeN kabhee
> "mujh ko ab tak aashaqee kaa who zamaanaa yaad hai" (Hasrat
> mohaanee)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
aapne Hasrat Mohaanii kaa yeh misr'a iste'maal kar ke is she'r meN
jaan Daal dii. yeh she'r aisii roTii ke maanind thaa jis jo
ruukhii_suukhii thii aur is misr'e ne is par "roGhan" kaa kaam kiyaa
hai.
________________________________________________________________________________
> (4)kaise bar aae hamaree aarzoo-e-wasl-e-yaar
> dar pe jo baiThaa hai who darbaaN naheeN jallad hai
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
is she'r ko aapne thoRii sii tarmiim ke saath jaise nikhaaraa hai vo
aapkaa kamaal hai. "kisii kii" ko jo aapne "hamaarii" se motabaddil
kiyaa hai us se she'r meN infiraadiyat paidaa kar dii hai aur isii
tarah lafz-e-"jo" ko apnii sahiih jagah par paiwast kar ke she'r meN
ravaanii le aaye haiN. shukria.
________________________________________________________________________________
> (5)is shair ko Hazaf kar deejiye.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
jii, hazaf kar diyaa. aapkii raaye se maiN muttafiq huuN.
________________________________________________________________________________
> (6)bad marne ke mere hargiz na aanaa girya-zan
> gar nidaamat hai to aa ke yak nafas meeaad hai
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
duusre misr'e meN aapne jo izaafii lafz "aa!" musta'mil kiyaa hai us
se is she'r meN poKhtagii aa gaii hai aur bahot Khuub aur munaasib
hai. shukria.
________________________________________________________________________________
> (7)yeh shair wazan meiN hai
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
chaliye, mehnat kisii kaam aaii. aaNsuu puNchh gaye!
________________________________________________________________________________
> (8)ishq meiN naakaam hai lekin zamaana dost hai
> "tere dushman kaa hai dushman yaar", Sahbaa, yaad hai?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
apnaa is she'r ko is qadr saNwaar diyaa hai ki iskaa credit to bas
aapko hii jaataa hai aur maiN inshaa_Allah aapkaa ism-e-mubaarak is
Ghazal aur Khussusan is she'r ke saath muNsalik karuuNgaa. she'r kii
jo suurat ab niklii hai vohii qaabil-e-qubuul hai. maiN ne is she'r ko
awwalan is qadar masaKh kar diyaa thaa ki iskii haDDii_paslii ek ho
gaii thii. ab iskii haiyat ek she'r kii sii niklii hai aur vo bhii
aapkii ba_daulat.
________________________________________________________________________________
> Note: ab aap samajh gaye hoNge ke maiN ne aap ke shair:qatl-o-Ghaarat;
> per kyoN izhaar-e-raae naheeN kiyaa thaa. meiN aap ke us sawaal ka
> jawaab jo aap ne Momin ke shair (jise aap ginte the--) per kiyaa thaa
> alup per alag ("Ghazal kaa ek nuqs "shutur-gurba" ke naam se) post kar
> rahaa hooN taake aur log use aasaanee se paRh sakeN. aap use dekh kar
> mujhe likheN ke aap mutmain haiN ke naheeN.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
yaqiinan! aapne ba_jaa farmaayaa. maiN aapke mazmuun-e-"shutur_gurbaa"
ke silsile se usii laRii meN aur aapkii haaliyah Ghazal ke silsile se
aaj yaa kal bil_zaruur kuchh 'arz karuuNgaa. aapkii Ghazal
hasb-e-ma'muul laa_jawaab hai aur baRaa lutf aayaa paRh kar. kyaa baat
hai! ustaadaana jhalak jaa_ba_jaa numaayaaN hai. mubaarak baashad!
faqat aapkaa ahsan_mand,
Aslam "Sahbaa"
Sarwar Alam Raz
aap yaqeen jaaniye ke aap ke Khat se mujhe dilee musarrat huee kyoNke
baishtar log (kam az kam mere tajrube meiN) apne kalaam meiN kisee kee
:islaaH: dekh kar CharaaGh-paa ho jaate haiN. agar ham sab shaairee
meiN apne aap ko taalib-e-ilm samjheN to taraqqee aasaan ho jaae. meiN
piChhle 55 saal se shaairee kee koshish kar rahaa hooN aur :unglee
kataa kar shaheedoN meiN daaKhil: ke misdaaq meree Ghazalyaat ke do
majmooe bhee shha-e ho chuke haiN, lekin ab bhee ek muqaamee
saaheb-e-ilm se kasb-e-ilm-o-fun kartaa hooN. alhamdulillaah meiN ise
apne liye baais-e-izzat samajhtaa hooN. ek martaba phir aap kee
wasee-ul-qalabee kaa shukriya!
aslam_...@my-deja.com (Aslam Sahbaa) wrote in message news:<2ad8016d.01112...@posting.google.com>...
darj-e-baalaa nusKha meraa naheeN hai balke buzurgoN kaa bataayaa huaa
hai aur meiN ne ise barsoN istaimaal kiyaa hai. meraa Khayaal hai ke
is aazmooda tareeqe per amal se bohat soN kaa bhalaa ho sakta hai.
meiN ne to is ko sirf aage baRhaane kee koshish kee hai. asl kaam to
un kaa hai jinhoN ne is ko eejaad kiyaa!
:sawal: yaa :suwaal: per meiN jald hee ek muKhtasar saa mazmoon likh
ker post karooNgaa. dar-asl meiN bohat ziyaada likhte hue dar rahaa
hooN ke kaheeN log mujh ko Ghalat na samajh laiN. meraa maqsad in
:posts: se sirf baateN phailaanaa hai, apnee :liyaaqat:(?) kaa elaan
naheeN hai.
aap kee aglee Ghazal kaa intizaar hai. apnaa pata mujhe e-mail kar
deejiye to meiN apnee kitaabeN aap kee Khidmat meiN Haazir kardooN,
Sarwar Raz :Sarwar: