Ghazal --- ham-safar laakhoN the lekin rah-numaa ko’ii na thaa!

Raj Kumar

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Sep 6, 2013, 3:37:31 PM9/6/13

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yaaraan-e-mahfil:

ba’ad muddat ke, aek Ghazal haazir-e-Khidmat hai --- gar qubool uftad!

kehne ki zaruurat naheeN k, is Ghazal par, aap ke ta’assuraat ka hama-vaqt intezaar rahe ga!

Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar

------------

matl’a arz hai:

1. ham-safar laakhoN the lekin rah-numaa ko’ii na thaa
manzileN chaaroN taraf theeN, raastaa ko’ii na thaa!

2. baHr-e-Gham ka Haal ham kis se kaheN, kaise kaheN?
kashtiyaaN hi kashtiyaaN theeN, naa-Khudaa ko’ii na thaa!

3. maNdiroN meN jitne but the, sab ke sab be-jaan the
masjidoN meN bhii, Khudaa rakkhe, Khudaa ko’ii na thaa!

4. mominoN ki baat chhoRo, munkiroN ko bhuul jaa’o!
maiN jahaaN par thaa, vahaaN mere sivaa ko’ii na thaa!!!

5. yeh kahaaN kaa aasmaaN thaa, yeh kahaaN kii Khuld thii?
Huur-o-GhilmaaN the bahut, par aap saa ko’ii na thaa! ;)

6. mujh ko kal baiThe-biThaaye le gayaa ko’ii kahaaN?
jaan_ne vaale bahut the, aashnaa ko’ii na thaa!

7. ham-navaala, ham-piyaala, ham-tareeqat, ham-libaas
yeh to sab maujood the, par ham-navaa ko’ii na thaa!

8. us hujoom-e-naaz meN yooN to ka’ii bah-naaz the
jis pe dil aa jaaye, aisaa dil-rubaa ko’ii na thaa! ☹

aur ab maqt’a arz hai:

9. kal tirii mahfil meN raunaq bhii thi, veeraanii bhi thii!
darjanoN shaa’ir the lekin Qais saa ko’ii na thaa!!! ☺

b_man...@yahoo.com

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Sep 6, 2013, 9:27:43 PM9/6/13

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On Friday, September 6, 2013 3:37:31 PM UTC-4, Raj Kumar wrote:

--------------------------------------------
“yeh kahaaN kaa aasmaaN thaa, yeh kahaaN kii Khuld thii?
Huur-o-GhilmaaN thay bahut, par aap saa ko’ii nah thaa! “
--------------------------------------------------

……………Waa…h! kyaa kehne!

“kal tirii meHfil meN raunaq bhii thi, veeraanii bhi thii!
darjanoN shaa’ir thay lekin Qais saa ko’ii nah thaa!!! ☺”
--------------------------------------------------

……………Maqtah bhi mazedaar hai,(har waqt ki tarah!)

Pehla misra” agar yuuN ho to kaisaa rahe?

kal tiri meHfil meN raunaq thii magar waisii nah thii
darjanoN shaa’ir thay lekin Qais saa ko’ii nah thaa!!! ☺”

================================================

Message has been deleted

vij...@gmail.com

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Sep 8, 2013, 4:54:04 PM9/8/13

to

On Friday, 6 September 2013 20:37:31 UTC+1, Raj Kumar wrote:
> yaaraan-e-mahfil:
>
>
>
> ba’ad muddat ke, aek Ghazal haazir-e-Khidmat hai --- gar qubool uftad!
>
>
>
> kehne ki zaruurat naheeN k, is Ghazal par, aap ke ta’assuraat ka hama-vaqt intezaar rahe ga!
>
>
>

Raj sahib, aaj do aik din ke ba'ad ALUP pe lauTa to yeh Khazaana milaa. aap sach maaneN ki maiN soch hii raha thaa ki aap ko kisii naii ghazal kii farmaaish karuuN. lekin Azzem Beg kii naz'm ke silsile meN aap ne jo mehnat kii, to mujjhe laga ki abhii aap ko aik do hafta araam karne duuN, us ke ba'ad guzarish karuuNgaa. aap ne to lagta hai mere dil kii baat jaan lii.

do ail baateN is ghazal pe ba-taur ta'assuraat haazir haiN:

>
>
> matl’a arz hai:
>
>
>
> 1. ham-safar laakhoN the lekin rah-numaa ko’ii na thaa
>
> manzileN chaaroN taraf theeN, raastaa ko’ii na thaa!

bohat Khuub. mat'la hii haasil-e-ghazal lag rahaa hai. duusra misra to ma'ani ke lihaaz se bohat hii pasaNd aaya. maiN ne kaii baar dekhaa hai ki sha'ir log ghazal to bohat achhi keh dete haiN lekin matla bhartii ka le lete haiN, sirf ghazl ko puura karne ke liie. aap ne to bohat as'r aafriin shuruaat kii hai. mubaarak.

>
>
>
> 2. baHr-e-Gham ka Haal ham kis se kaheN, kaise kaheN?
>
> kashtiyaaN hi kashtiyaaN theeN, naa-Khudaa ko’ii na thaa!

bohat Khuub, kya kehne.

>
>
>
> 3. maNdiroN meN jitne but the, sab ke sab be-jaan the
>
> masjidoN meN bhii, Khudaa rakkhe, Khudaa ko’ii na thaa!

lafz-e-Khudaa kii takraar bohat hii umdah hai! wah wah!

>
>
>
> 4. mominoN ki baat chhoRo, munkiroN ko bhuul jaa’o!
>
> maiN jahaaN par thaa, vahaaN mere sivaa ko’ii na thaa!!!

jaise pehla misra 'jaa'o' pe Khatam huua hai, shayad aap ko ma'aluum ho, yeh merii kamzorii hai. bohat Khuub. doosra misra bohat ma'ani-Khez hai. Although there seems to be a superficial similarity to 'ham vahaaN haiN jahaaN se ham ko bhii, kucch hamaari Khabar nahiiN aatii' but whereas Ghalib seems to be lamenting, your misra seems to reflect an exalted place of being.

>
>
>
> 5. yeh kahaaN kaa aasmaaN thaa, yeh kahaaN kii Khuld thii?
>
> Huur-o-GhilmaaN the bahut, par aap saa ko’ii na thaa! ;)

bohat Khuub!

>
>
>
> 6. mujh ko kal baiThe-biThaaye le gayaa ko’ii kahaaN?
>
> jaan_ne vaale bahut the, aashnaa ko’ii na thaa!

bohat acche. Contrast of 'acquaintances' and 'friends' in the second misra is very good. Although the link between the first and second misra isn't immediately obvious, other than as a simple poetic device.

>
>
> 7. ham-navaala, ham-piyaala, ham-tareeqat, ham-libaas
>
> yeh to sab maujood the, par ham-navaa ko’ii na thaa!

bohat acche. wah wah. aap ne 'koii na thaa' radiif bohat accha DhuuNDa hai. bohat imkaan paaida hote haiN is se aur aap ne inkaa fai'dah bhii bohat Khuub uThaaia hai.

>
>
>
> 8. us hujoom-e-naaz meN yooN to ka’ii bah-naaz the
>
> jis pe dil aa jaaye, aisaa dil-rubaa ko’ii na thaa! ☹

bohat Khuub!

>
>
>
> aur ab maqt’a arz hai:
>
>
>
> 9. kal tirii mahfil meN raunaq bhii thi, veeraanii bhi thii!
>
> darjanoN shaa’ir the lekin Qais saa ko’ii na thaa!!! ☺

maqta aap kaa hamesha bohat accha hota hai, lekin yih zara sa merii ummidoN se kamtar raha. sirf is liie ki 'darjanoN' lafz, kam-az-kam mujhe, itna poetic nahiiN laga. pata nahiiN kyoN. nahiiN to 'maqta' bilkul 'Qais' ke darje ka hai!

aik baar phir bohat bohat mubaarakbaad is behtariin ghazal pe aur aap ka bohat shukriia.

Best regards,

Vijay

shagird

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Sep 9, 2013, 4:37:46 PM9/9/13

to

On Friday, September 6, 2013 12:37:31 PM UTC-7, Raj Kumar wrote:
> yaaraan-e-mahfil:
>
>
>
> ba’ad muddat ke, aek Ghazal haazir-e-Khidmat hai --- gar qubool uftad!
>
>
>
> kehne ki zaruurat naheeN k, is Ghazal par, aap ke ta’assuraat ka hama-vaqt intezaar rahe ga!
>
>
>
> Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar
>
>
>
> ------------
>
>
>
> matl’a arz hai:
>
>
>
> 1. ham-safar laakhoN the lekin rah-numaa ko’ii na thaa
>
> manzileN chaaroN taraf theeN, raastaa ko’ii na thaa!
>
>

rah-numaa laakhon thay lekin ham-safar ko'ii na thaa
raastay chaaroN taraf thay, vaasta(h) ko'ii na thaa

Raj Kumar

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Sep 9, 2013, 8:10:10 PM9/9/13

to

On Friday, September 6, 2013 6:27:43 PM UTC-7, b_man...@yahoo.com wrote:
> On Friday, September 6, 2013 3:37:31 PM UTC-4, Raj Kumar wrote:
>
> --------------------------------------------
>
> “yeh kahaaN kaa aasmaaN thaa, yeh kahaaN kii Khuld thii?
>
> Huur-o-GhilmaaN thay bahut, par aap saa ko’ii nah thaa! “
>
> --------------------------------------------------
>
> ……………Waa…h! kyaa kehne!

***navaazish hai aap ki, BG saahib, k aap ko yeh she'r is qadar pasaNd aayaa!***

--------

> “kal tirii meHfil meN raunaq bhii thi, veeraanii bhi thii!
>
> darjanoN shaa’ir thay lekin Qais saa ko’ii nah thaa!!! ☺”
>
>

> ……………maqt'a bhi mazedaar hai (har waqt ki tarah!)

***shukriya, baNda-navaaz!***

----------

> pehla misr'a agar yuuN ho to kaisaa rahe?

>
> kal tiri meHfil meN raunaq thii magar waisii nah thii
>
> darjanoN shaa’ir thay lekin Qais saa ko’ii nah thaa!!! ☺”

***aap ka sujhaao qaabil-e-Ghaur-o-fikr hai, maiN is par yaqeenan dhyaan duuN ga!

Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar***

Raj Kumar

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Sep 9, 2013, 10:04:21 PM9/9/13

to

On Sunday, September 8, 2013 1:54:04 PM UTC-7, vij...@gmail.com wrote:

Raj saahib, aaj do aik din ke ba'ad ALUP pe lauTa to yeh Khazaana milaa. aap sach maaneN ki maiN soch hii raha thaa ki aap ko kisii na’ii ghazal kii farmaaish karuuN. lekin Azeem Beg ki naz'm ke silsile meN aap ne jo mehnat kii, to mujjhe laga ki abhii aap ko aik do hafta araam karne duuN, us ke ba'ad guzaarish karuuN gaa. aap ne to lagta hai mere dil kii baat jaan lii.

***Vijay saahib, maiN ne aap ke dil ki baat yaqeenan jaan lii kyooN-k, ba-qaul-e-shaKhse,
“wise men always think alike ----- and fools never differ”!*** ☺

do aik baateN is Ghazal pe ba-taur ta'assuraat haazir haiN:

***irshaad!***

> 1. ham-safar laakhoN the lekin rah-numaa ko’ii na thaa
>
> manzileN chaaroN taraf theeN, raastaa ko’ii na thaa!

bohat Khuub. matl’a hi “haasil-e-Ghazal” lag rahaa hai. duusra misr’a to ma'ani ke lihaaz se bohat hii pasaNd aaya. maiN ne ka’ii baar dekhaa hai ki shaa'ir log Ghazal to bohat achhi keh dete haiN lekin matl’a bhartii ka le lete haiN, sirf Ghazal ko puura karne ke liie. aap ne to bohat asar-aafriiN shuru’aat kii hai. mubaarak.

***jii Khush ho gayaa aap ka ta’assur paRh kar --- aur voh bhi aatish-baazii ke chhuuTte hii!*** :)

> 2. baHr-e-Gham ka Haal ham kis se kaheN, kaise kaheN?
>
> kashtiyaaN hi kashtiyaaN theeN, naa-Khudaa ko’ii na thaa!

bohat Khuub, kyaa kehne.

***shukriya, saahib!***

> 3. maNdiroN meN jitne but the, sab ke sab be-jaan the
>
> masjidoN meN bhii, Khudaa rakkhe, Khudaa ko’ii na thaa!
lafz-e-Khudaa kii takraar bohat hii umdah hai! wah wah!

***Thanks, again, Vijay saahib!***

>
> 4. mominoN ki baat chhoRo, munkiroN ko bhuul jaa’o!
>
> maiN jahaaN par thaa, vahaaN mere sivaa ko’ii na thaa!!!

jaise pehla misra 'jaa'o' pe Khatm huua hai, shayad aap ko ma'aluum ho, yeh merii kamzorii hai. bohat Khuub.

***maiN aap ki is kamzorii se ba-Khuubi vaaqif huuN . I still remember the way you were mesmerized at hearing my Ghazal

ziNdagii bhar ki mudaaraat ka saamaaN ho jaaaaye
raat kii raat agar voh mira mehmaaN ho jaaaaye!

Right?***

doosra misra bohat ma'ani-Khez hai. Although there seems to be a superficial similarity to 'ham vahaaN haiN jahaaN se ham ko bhii, kuchh hamaarii Khabar nahiiN aatii' but whereas Ghalib seems to be lamenting, your misr’a seems to reflect an exalted place of being.

***Thanks for pointing out the difference, Vijay saahib. I was indeed floating at a plane where there might have been a lot of ‘momins’ and ‘munkirs’ around me but I was too enthralled with myself to have noticed anyone else’s presence there!***

> 5. yeh kahaaN kaa aasmaaN thaa, yeh kahaaN kii Khuld thii?
>
> Huur-o-GhilmaaN the bahut, par aap saa ko’ii na thaa! ;)

bohat Khuub!

***shukria, once again!***

> 6. mujh ko kal baiThe-biThaaye le gayaa ko’ii kahaaN?
>
> jaan_ne vaale bahut the, aashnaa ko’ii na thaa!

bohat achhe. Contrast of 'acquaintances' and 'friends' in the second misr’a is very good.

***navaazish hai aap ki, saahib!***

Although the link between the first and second misra isn't immediately obvious, other than as a simple poetic device.

***Not a poetic device at all, Sir, ---- I, in fact, intended ash’aar # 6,7 and 8 to be read as a qit’a but, unfortunately, failed to place a “Q” sign here! That should clarify why the structure of the first misr’a of this she’r is as it is! ***

> 7. ham-navaala, ham-piyaala, ham-tareeqat, ham-libaas
>
> yeh to sab maujood the, par ham-navaa ko’ii na thaa!

bohat achhe. wah wah. aap ne 'koii na thaa' radiif bohat accha DhuuNDa hai. bohat imkaan paaida hote haiN is se aur aap ne in kaa faai'dah bhii bohat Khuub uThaaia hai.

***radeef to Ghazab ki hai hi, Vijay saahib, albatta is Ghazal ki taabaanii ka inhesaar sirf is ki radeef par hi naheeN, bal-k is ke qawaafii par bhi hai --- aur, is zimn meN, meri ‘choice’ yaqeenan zar-Khez saabit hu’ii hai!***

>
> 8. us hujoom-e-naaz meN yooN to ka’ii bah-naaz the
>
> jis pe dil aa jaaye, aisaa dil-rubaa ko’ii na thaa! ☹

bohat Khuub!

***shukriya, saahib!***

> 9. kal tirii mahfil meN raunaq bhii thi, veeraanii bhi thii!
>
> darjanoN shaa’ir the lekin Qais saa ko’ii na thaa!!! ☺

maqta aap kaa hamesha bohat accha hota hai, lekin yih zara sa merii ummidoN se kamtar raha. sirf is liie ki 'darjanoN' lafz, kam-az-kam mujhe, itna poetic nahiiN laga. pata nahiiN kyoN. nahiiN to 'maqta' bilkul 'Qais' ke darje ka hai!

***aap ki baat sar-aaNkhoN par, Vijay saahib. albatta, vaaq’ea yeh hai k maiN ne pehle yooN kahaa thaa

saiNkaRoN shaa’ir the lekin ----------

phir mehsoos kiyaa k “this number was rather unrealistic”, so I changed it to “darjanoN”. ab aap ki ‘observation’ ke pesh-e-nazar, dimaaGh ko phir se jaNjhoRnaa paRaa to yahii suujhii k is misr’e ko yuuN kahuuN to kaisaa rahe?

an-ginat shaa’ir the lekin -------

agar aap is tabaddul ko savikaar kareN to, Bhagvaan ki dyaa se, mera kaam aasaanii se tamaam ho jaaye!*** ;)

aik baar phir bohat bohat mubaarakbaad is behtariin ghazal pe aur aap ka bohat shukriia.

**You are welcome, Sir!

Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar***

Anil Kala

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Sep 9, 2013, 10:23:58 PM9/9/13

to

>
>
> 1. ham-safar laakhoN the lekin rah-numaa ko’ii na thaa
>
> manzileN chaaroN taraf theeN, raastaa ko’ii na thaa!
>

I was put off by the opening misra, thought if this is poetry then what could be prose, but then realized reading a ghazal is diffrent from listening to it. In a mushaira this would make impressive recital

>
> 4. mominoN ki baat chhoRo, munkiroN ko bhuul jaa’o!
maiN jahaaN par thaa, vahaaN mere sivaa ko’ii na thaa!!!

I like this, being alone is truly spiritual

>
> 6. mujh ko kal baiThe-biThaaye le gayaa ko’ii kahaaN?
>
> jaan_ne vaale bahut the, aashnaa ko’ii na thaa!
>

This really seemed promising. The mood set like 'kahiin bekHayaal ho kar ...' evoking surrealism like fantasy. You let elements take control and drift..
unfortunately 'doosra misra' does not match the intensity

Just my thoughts.

vij...@gmail.com

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Sep 10, 2013, 4:05:08 PM9/10/13

to

On Tuesday, 10 September 2013 03:04:21 UTC+1, Raj Kumar wrote:

>
>
> jaise pehla misra 'jaa'o' pe Khatm huua hai, shayad aap ko ma'aluum ho, yeh merii kamzorii hai. bohat Khuub.
>
>
>
> ***maiN aap ki is kamzorii se ba-Khuubi vaaqif huuN . I still remember the way you were mesmerized at hearing my Ghazal
>
>
>
> ziNdagii bhar ki mudaaraat ka saamaaN ho jaaaaye
>
> raat kii raat agar voh mira mehmaaN ho jaaaaye!
>
>
>
> Right?***
>
>

bilkul right Raj sahib. aap ne bohat bhale dinoN kii yaad dilaa dii. voh kya kehte haiN ki:

ik tiir mere dil pe maaraa ki haai haai!:-)

>
>
> Although the link between the first and second misra isn't immediately obvious, other than as a simple poetic device.
>
>
>
> ***Not a poetic device at all, Sir, ---- I, in fact, intended ash’aar # 6,7 and 8 to be read as a qit’a but, unfortunately, failed to place a “Q” sign here! That should clarify why the structure of the first misr’a of this she’r is as it is! ***
>

Ah-ha! dar-asal meiN ne jab aap kii ghazal dekhii to fauran jawaab likhne baiTh gaya. aap aNdaaza lagaa sakte haiN ki maiN jab aik aik she'r pe apne ta'assuraat likh raha thaa, to qite vaali baat aik dam se zaahir nahiiN huii. ab jab maiN ne ghazal ko 4-5 baar paRha hai to baat bilkul saaf hai. aap ko batane kii bhii zaruurat nahiiN ki yeh she'r agle do teen asha'ar se juRaa huaa hai.

>

> > 7. ham-navaala, ham-piyaala, ham-tareeqat, ham-libaas
>
> >
>
> > yeh to sab maujood the, par ham-navaa ko’ii na thaa!
>
>
>
> bohat achhe. wah wah. aap ne 'koii na thaa' radiif bohat accha DhuuNDa hai. bohat imkaan paaida hote haiN is se aur aap ne in kaa faai'dah bhii bohat Khuub uThaaia hai.
>
>
>
> ***radeef to Ghazab ki hai hi, Vijay saahib, albatta is Ghazal ki taabaanii ka inhesaar sirf is ki radeef par hi naheeN, bal-k is ke qawaafii par bhi hai --- aur, is zimn meN, meri ‘choice’ yaqeenan zar-Khez saabit hu’ii hai!***

bilkul Thiik. aur yeh baat to saaf zaahir hai.

>
> > 9. kal tirii mahfil meN raunaq bhii thi, veeraanii bhi thii!
>
> >
>
> > darjanoN shaa’ir the lekin Qais saa ko’ii na thaa!!! ☺
>
>
>
> maqta aap kaa hamesha bohat accha hota hai, lekin yih zara sa merii ummidoN se kamtar raha. sirf is liie ki 'darjanoN' lafz, kam-az-kam mujhe, itna poetic nahiiN laga. pata nahiiN kyoN. nahiiN to 'maqta' bilkul 'Qais' ke darje ka hai!
>
>
>
> ***aap ki baat sar-aaNkhoN par, Vijay saahib. albatta, vaaq’ea yeh hai k maiN ne pehle yooN kahaa thaa
>
>
>
> saiNkaRoN shaa’ir the lekin ----------
>
>
>
> phir mehsoos kiyaa k “this number was rather unrealistic”, so I changed it to “darjanoN”. ab aap ki ‘observation’ ke pesh-e-nazar, dimaaGh ko phir se jaNjhoRnaa paRaa to yahii suujhii k is misr’e ko yuuN kahuuN to kaisaa rahe?
>
>
>
> an-ginat shaa’ir the lekin -------
>
>
>
> agar aap is tabaddul ko savikaar kareN to, Bhagvaan ki dyaa se, mera kaam aasaanii se tamaam ho jaaye!*** ;)

aap ne jaise uupar kaha 'intelligent people think alike etc.' to aap yaqiin kareN ki 'saiNkaRon' lafz mere zehn meN bhii aik dam ubhra aur maiN ne ise doosre pla meN rad bhii kar diia, isii waj'h se ki ginatii kucch ziaadah lagtii hai. mere zehn meN phir is kii yeh shak'l ubharii, 'bohat se shai'ir the lekin Qais sa koii na thaa'. aur ab jab aap ne 'an-ginat shai'ir' likhaa hai, to yeh bhii Thiik lag raha hai.

aik aur baat suujhii thii mujhe aur agar jaan kii amaan paauuN to arz karuuN:

kya ham *shai'i*r lafz kii jagah kisii na kisii tarah se *suKhanwar* istemaal kar sakte haiN?

jaise 'suKhanwar the bohat lekin Qais saa koii na thaa' ya 'suKhanwar the bohat, goya, Qais sa koii na thaa'?

Thank you Sirjii!

Regards,

Vijay

Raj Kumar

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Sep 10, 2013, 4:40:04 PM9/10/13

to

On Monday, September 9, 2013 1:37:46 PM UTC-7, shagird wrote:

> 1. ham-safar laakhoN the lekin rah-numaa ko’ii na thaa
>
> manzileN chaaroN taraf theeN, raastaa ko’ii na thaa!
>
>
rah-numaa laakhon thay lekin ham-safar ko'ii na thaa
raastay chaaroN taraf thay, vaasta(h) ko'ii na thaa

***tavajjo(h) ke liye mamnoon hooN, saahib!

Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar***

Raj Kumar

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Sep 10, 2013, 9:00:39 PM9/10/13

to

On Monday, September 9, 2013 7:23:58 PM UTC-7, Anil Kala wrote:

> 1. ham-safar laakhoN the lekin rah-numaa ko’ii na thaa
>
> manzileN chaaroN taraf theeN, raastaa ko’ii na thaa!
>

I was put off by the opening misra, thought if this is poetry then what could be prose, but then realized reading a ghazal is diffrent from listening to it. In a mushaira this would make impressive recital.

***You are missing a very important point, Anil saahib. What you are seeing as ‘prose’ is not ‘mere prose’; it is a couple of lines that fit the baHr of this Ghazal perfectly and hence conform to all the requirements of rhythm!

Ordinarily, a misr’a consists of a collection of ‘word pieces’ drawn from prose (yes, prose) but strung together in such a way that they conform to the baHr of the Ghazal. However, if a sentence in prose directly fits the baHr, then why dissemble it to look like a customary misr’a?

In fact, this manner of composition is regarded as superior to the customary composition --- not only for its listening effect but also for its readability. Accordingly, this compositional feature of poetry should, in my opinion, be a ‘turn-on’ for you rather than a ‘turn-off’! ;)

For your pleasure, here are some good examples from masters:

ko’ii ummeed bar nahiiN aatii
ko’ii suurat nazar nahiiN aatii
maut kaa aek din mu’ayyan hai
neeNd kyuuN raat bhar nahiiN aatii
(Mirzaa Ghaalib)

mahabbat meN kabhii aisii bhi haalat paa’ii jaatii hai
tabii’at aur gabhraatii hai jab baihlaa’ii jaatii hai
(Jigar Muraadaabaadi)

ab daur-e-aasmaaN hai, na daur-e-Hayaat hai
air dard-e-hijr, tuu hi bataa, kitni raat hai?
(Firaaq Gorakhpuri)

mahabbat ke liye kuchh Khaas dil maKhsuus hote haiN
yeh voh naGhma hai jo har saaz par gaayaa nahiiN jaataa (MaKhmuur Dehlavi)***

> 4. mominoN ki baat chhoRo, munkiroN ko bhuul jaa’o!
maiN jahaaN par thaa, vahaaN mere sivaa ko’ii na thaa!!!

I like this, being alone is truly spiritual.

***Thanks for the appreciation, Sir!***

> 6. mujh ko kal baiThe-biThaaye le gayaa ko’ii kahaaN?
>
> jaan_ne vaale bahut the, aashnaa ko’ii na thaa!
>

This really seemed promising. The mood set like 'kahiin bekHayaal ho kar ...' evoking surrealism like fantasy. You let elements take control and drift.

Unfortunately 'doosra misra' does not match the intensity.

***Your read of the first misr’a is way beyond the picture I had in mind. I was contemplating a real-world gathering --- not something surreal!

So, it is not surprising that my second misr’a let you down --- though, in the framework I had in mind, it served the purpose well, especially by striking at the difference between mere “jaan_ne vale” and the ones truly ‘aashnaa’!

I hope these comments help.

Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar***

Raj Kumar

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Sep 12, 2013, 5:23:02 PM9/12/13

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On Tuesday, September 10, 2013 1:05:08 PM UTC-7, vij...@gmail.com wrote:

> jaise pehla misra 'jaa'o' pe Khatm huua hai, shayad aap ko ma'aluum ho, yeh merii kamzorii hai. bohat Khuub.
>
>
>***maiN aap ki is kamzorii se ba-Khuubi vaaqif huuN . I still remember the way you were mesmerized at hearing my Ghazal
>
> ziNdagii bhar ki mudaaraat ka saamaaN ho jaaaaye
> raat kii raat agar voh mira mehmaaN ho jaaaaye!
>
> Right?***

bilkul right, Raj sahib. aap ne bohat bhale dinoN kii yaad dilaa dii. voh kya kehte haiN ki:

ik tiir mere dil pe maaraa ki haa’i haa’i! :-)

{{{mera iraada(h) aap ki ‘dil-aazaarii’ hargiz naheeN thaa, Vijay saahib, magar kyaa kareN --- Ghaaliban, aisii hi suurat-e-Haal ke pesh-e-nazar kisii ne kyaa Khuub kahaa thaa:

yaad-e-maazii azaab hai, yaa rabb!
chheen le mujh se haafiza(h) meraa!!!

yeh alag baat k maiN ne, aek lateef lamhe meN, is she’r ko yuuN badal diyaa thaa:

yaad-e-maazii savaab hai, yaa rabb!
aur kar tez haafiza(h) meraa!!!}}} :)

> > 9. kal tirii mahfil meN raunaq bhii thi, veeraanii bhi thii!
>
> > darjanoN shaa’ir the lekin Qais saa ko’ii na thaa!!! ☺

> maqta aap kaa hamesha bohat accha hota hai, lekin yih zara sa merii ummidoN se kamtar raha. sirf is liie ki 'darjanoN' lafz, kam-az-kam mujhe, itna poetic nahiiN laga. pata nahiiN kyoN. nahiiN to 'maqta' bilkul 'Qais' ke darje ka hai!
>
>
> ***aap ki baat sar-aaNkhoN par, Vijay saahib. albatta, vaaq’ea yeh hai k maiN ne pehle yooN kahaa thaa
>
> saiNkaRoN shaa’ir the lekin ----------
>
> phir mehsoos kiyaa k “this number was rather unrealistic”, so I changed it to “darjanoN”. ab aap ki ‘observation’ ke pesh-e-nazar, dimaaGh ko phir se jaNjhoRnaa paRaa to yahii suujhii k is misr’e ko yuuN kahuuN to kaisaa rahe?
>
> an-ginat shaa’ir the lekin -------

> agar aap is tabaddul ko savikaar kareN to mera kaam aasaanii se tamaam ho jaaye!*** ;)

aap ne jaise uupar kahaa 'intelligent people think alike etc.' to aap yaqiin kareN ki 'saiNkaRon' lafz mere zehn meN bhii aik dam ubhra aur maiN ne ise doosre pal meN radd bhii kar diia, isii waj'h se ki ginatii kucch ziaadah lagtii hai. mere zehn meN phir is kii yeh shak'l ubharii, 'bohat se shai'ir the lekin Qais sa koii na thaa'. aur ab jab aap ne 'an-ginat shai'ir' likhaa hai, to yeh bhii Thiik lag raha hai.

{{{Huzoor, aap ki tajveez

'bohat se shaa'ir the lekin Qais saa ko’ii na thaa'

qaabil-e-qubool naheeN hai kyooN-k jab aap yahaaN ‘bohat se’ likhte haiN to hameN, baHr ka dhyaan rakhte huye, ise ‘boht se’ paRhnaa paR rahaa hai (bar-vazn 212), jab-k saHeeH alfaaz haiN ‘bahut se’ (bar-vazn 122) --- aur yeh combination is baHr ke aaGhaaz meN ‘fit’ naheeN hotaa. Sorry! ☹

As a result, I think I’ll go with

‘an-ginat shaa’ir the lekin Qais saa ko’ii na thaa’}}}!

aik aur baat suujhii thii mujhe aur agar jaan kii amaan paauuN to arz karuuN:

kyaa ham shaa'ir lafz kii jagah kisii na kisii tarah se *suKhanwar* istemaal kar sakte haiN?

jaise 'suKhanwar the bohat lekin Qais saa koii na thaa' ya 'suKhanwar the bohat, goya, Qais sa koii na thaa'?

{{{baat to aap ki qaabil-e-Ghaur hai, Vijay saahib, albatta jo misr’e aap ne tajveez kiye haiN voh bar-vazn naheeN haiN ---- kyooN-k, is baHr ke shuroo’a meN, lafz ‘suKhan-war’ (bar-vazn 122) naheeN aa saktaa. Sorry!

In any case, there is no reason to lose heart --- agar aap ko lafz ‘suKhan-war’ se itnii hi raGhbat hai to aap mujh se us Ghazal ka taqaazaa kareN jis ka maqt’a hai:

kyaa Khuub Ghazal tuu ne kahii, Qais-e-suKhan-war!
“ai vaah miyaaN, vaah miyaaN, vaah miyaaN, vaah”!!!

Now all you have to do is to gently ‘twist my arm’ --- and this Ghazal will be in your lap! ;)

Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar}}}

Vijay

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Sep 14, 2013, 7:06:13 AM9/14/13

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On Thursday, 12 September 2013 22:23:02 UTC+1, Raj Kumar wrote:

>
>
> kyaa Khuub Ghazal tuu ne kahii, Qais-e-suKhan-war!
>
> “ai vaah miyaaN, vaah miyaaN, vaah miyaaN, vaah”!!!
>
>
>
> Now all you have to do is to gently ‘twist my arm’ --- and this Ghazal will be in your lap! ;)
>
>
>

bohat acche Raj sahib. Kya she'r kaha hai. ab nekii aur puucch puucch? Consider your arms truly twisted (to the breaking pint:-))

Will look forward to it.

Best regards,

Vijay

vij...@gmail.com

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Sep 14, 2013, 9:03:34 AM9/14/13

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*arm*