GHazal: yalGHaar-e-tamanna hai .......
Rajiv Chakravarti
aaj mehfil meiN ek naacheez kaavish lekar haazir
huaa hooN, jo aap sab ki nazr aur KHaas taur par
janaab Rajkumar-saahib ki nazr karnaa chaahooNga...
jaise ke maine pehle bhi bataaya thaa, is GHair-muraddaf
GHazal ka asaas RK-saahib hi ki ek KHoobsoorat
GHazal hai, jis ka matl'a hai:
kis tarha dil-aavez thi ai dost teri shaan
eemaan bhi ab kufr hai, ab kufr bhi eemaan
aap sab ke saamne pesh karne se pehle amin
yeh chaahtaa hooN ke RK-saahib ko "credit"
diyaa jaaye. meri GHazal ki zameen vohi hai -
dar asl unki GHazal se maiN itnaa mutassir
huaa ke KHud is zameen meiN kuchch kehne
par majboor ho gayaa.
ek aaKHri baat karnaa zaroori samajhtaa hooN.
mundarja GHazal meiN maine do-teen jagah
par "qavaafi" alfaaz ko izaafat ke saath baandhaa
hai, lekin unka shakl vaise hi rakhaa jaise
baGHair izaafat ke hoN (ex: #3, #5, #6 ..).
agar yeh baat aap meiN se kisi ko bilkul GHalat
lage, to fauran nishaan-dehi keejiye aur mujh naacheez
ko sahi raastaa dikhaa deejiye. (vaise maine is GHazal
ko mere ek buzurg dost [ jo KHud ek maahir-shaa'ir haiN ]
ko dikhaa diyaa thaa aur unhoN ne mere izaafat ke
taraakeeb par ungli to naheeN uThaayi thi... magar phir
bhi .... )
ba-har haal, GHazal pesh-e-KHidmat hai.
====================================================
1.
yalGHaar-e-tamanna hai to hai yoorish-e-armaan
kis tarha bataaooN ke hai mushkil meiN meri jaan !
2.
kartaa hooN sar-e-koo-e-butaaN KHud ko maiN qurbaan
kuchch mera iraadaa bhi hai, kuchch unka bhi farmaan
3.
Ka'aba ho yaa butKHaana ho, mandir yaa kaleesa
sab dar haiN mohabbat ke, sabhi KHaana-e-eemaan
4.
us baargah-e-'ishq meiN sab aik haiN beshak
kyaa muflis-o-naaKHwaanda(h), kyaa shaah, kyaa sultaan !
5.
KHudbeen haiN, KHudkaar haiN, sab sheiKH-o-barahman
kyaa dehr meiN baaqi hi naheeN saahib-e-'irfaan ?
6.
maKHmoor-e-mai-e-'ishq-e-haqeeqat hooN azal se
' ik khel hai mere liye aurang-e-Suleimaan ! ' (1)
7.
deevaana-e-ulfat hooN maiN, deevaana-e-ulfat !
kartaa hooN baDe faKHr se duniya meiN yeh e'laan
8.
DHaaye hai nayaa tarz-e-sitam aaj sitamgar
'GHairoN se shanaasaa' hai voh, apnoN se hai anjaan
9.
taa 'umr voh daanista rahaa mujhse gurezaaN
aayaa hai dam-e-marg voh ab zood-pashemaan !
10.
dil sail-e-havaadis meiN bahe jaata hai aksar
barbaad kiye deta hai is darja yeh toofaan
11.
"roodaad-e-muhabbat" yaa ke "afsaana-e-ulfat"
jo chaaheN banaa leeje meri zeest ka 'unvaan
12.
paaband-e-qafas hooN maiN kuchch is tarha, ke ai dost
jeene ki hai soorat na hi marne ka hai imkaan
13.
behtar hai yehi dil na zamaane se lagaayeN
is raah-e-fana'a meiN to hai nuqsaan hi nuqsaan
14.
da'avaa-e- suKHan-daanee naheeN mujh ko, valekin
likhtaa hooN sabab GHam ka to ban jaata hai deevaan
15.
haaN, banda-e- naa-ahl se maiN KHoob hooN vaaqif
"naadaaN" to taKHallus hi naheeN, KHud bhi hai naadaan !
(SEPTEMBER 26, 2001 - ARLINGTON, TX - USA)
(1) " ik khel hai aurang-e-SuleimaaN mere nazdeek
ik baat hai 'aijaaz-e-maseehaa mere aage " --- [ Mirza GHaalib ]
===============================================================
aap sab ke ta'assuraat ka muntazir,
faqat,
Rajiv Chakravarti "naadaaN"
Masud Reza
Adab.
Your ghazal is a good one. I hope you will keep on writing ... and
sharing with is. It is an order of magintude better than the ghazal
you have patterned it after :-).
Allah karay zor e qalam aur zeada...
Khak Nashin
Masud
Rajiv Chakravarti
> Mohtaram Rajiv Saahib:
>
> Adab.
>
> Your ghazal is a good one. I hope you will keep on writing ... and
> sharing with is. It is an order of magintude better than the ghazal
> you have patterned it after :-).
>
> Allah karay zor e qalam aur zeada...
>
> Khak Nashin
>
> Masud
>
Masud-saahib,
aapke javaab ka aur aapki hausla-afzaai ka bohot shukriya.
GHazal pasand farmaane ka KHusoosi-taur par shukrguzaar hooN.
ab reh jaati ek aur baat - voh yeh ke agar maine RK-saahib
ki GHazal na paDHi hoti, to shaayad meri yeh kaavish kabhi
is nateeje tak bhi naheeN aati.. isi liye maiN un ka mamnoon
hooN ke unhoN-ne apni GHazal ko mujh jaise taalib-e-'ilm ke
saamne pesh kee. RK-saahib un ashKHaas meiN se haiN jo
ALUP ko apna kalaam se aur apne tajrube se barqaraar rakhte
haiN aur bohot se nau-mashq saahibaan ko hausla dete haiN.
meri nazar meiN yeh kaam qaabil-e-daad aur qaabil-e-izzat bhi hai.
Masud-sahib, agar haqeeqat dekhaa jaaye to maiN apne
aap ko bilkul aapki ta'areef ka mustahiq naheeN samajhtaa hooN
-- yeh aapki apni nazariyaa hai... lekin aap ka ek baar phir
tah-e-dil se shukriya adaa karnaa chaahooNga.
aap ke dua'aoN kaa talib,
Rajiv
UVR
meri bhi Khush_qismati dekhiye ke baad-e-muddat ALUP par aane
kaa mauqa mila aur awwal-awwal aap hi ki Ghazal pa.Dhi! ALUP
par lauTne ki Khushi meN maano chaar chaaNd lag gaye.
bahut shukriya Ghazal peshT (pesh+posT :) karne kaa!
yooN to mujhe aap ki Ghazal ke sabhi sh'er bahut pasand aaye,
lekin #5, #6, #14 aur #15 ke liye aap ko Khaas daad dena
chaahooNga. And, if you will excuse my presumptuousness,
may I be so bold as to suggest that sh'ers #2 and #13 have
"Rajiv Chakravarti" written all over them: they are steeped
in the simplicity of expression that is an endearing hallmark
of your work.
Ghazal ke muta'lliq mere chand sawaalaat haiN jinka zikr
karne ki jur`at kar rahaa hooN. ho sake to gustaaKhi m'aaf
kareN. My comments are inline:
rc...@yahoo.com (Rajiv Chakravarti) wrote:
>
> 1.
> yalGHaar-e-tamanna hai to hai yoorish-e-armaan
> kis tarha bataaooN ke hai mushkil meiN meri jaan !
waah waah! Ghazal ka matlah to bahut achcha hai hi,
Khaas taur se pehla misr'a, lekin ...
> 2.
> kartaa hooN sar-e-koo-e-butaaN KHud ko maiN qurbaan
> kuchch mera iraadaa bhi hai, kuchch unka bhi farmaan
... matla-e-saani ki nazaakat ki to baat hi kuchh aur hai!
bhai waah!
> 3.
> Ka'aba ho yaa butKHaana ho, mandir yaa kaleesa
> sab dar haiN mohabbat ke, sabhi KHaana-e-eemaan
I'm probably splitting hairs, but doesn't the first
misr'a appear to say that
ka'aba IS TO butKhaana ...AS... mandir IS TO kaleesa?
Also, how about interposing a "comma" between 'butkhaana'
and 'ho', like so:
ka'aba ho ya butKhaana, ho mandir yaa kaleesa
> 4.
> us baargah-e-'ishq meiN sab aik haiN beshak
> kyaa muflis-o-naaKHwaanda(h), kyaa shaah, kyaa sultaan !
bahut achche!
maiN behr kii baareekiyoN se waaqif hone kaa qatai daawaa
nahiN karta, lekin mere Khayaal meiN doosra misr'a ek
'syllable' se halka pa.D raha hai. go ke ma'aloom hota hai
lafz "naaKh(w)aanda" ko aap ne yahaaN
- yaa to "naaKh(w)andaha" (with a palpable aspirated 'he')
pa.Dhaa hai [that's how I interpret the "(h)"]
- yaa "naaKh[a]waanda" pa.Dhaa hai,
- yaa phir 'naaKh(w)aa aa anda' pa.Dhaa hai.
meri raaye meN yeh teenoN hi Ghair_laazim haiN. is lafz ka
sahih (at least in terms of metric length) talaffuz "naaKhaanda"
hai. Perhaps
kyaa muflis-o-naaKh(w)aanda, au kyaa shaah, kya sultaan
would be an acceptable variant in terms of metric length,
but, I admit, it is a rather "cheap" way out.
> 5.
> KHudbeen haiN, KHudkaar haiN, sab sheiKH-o-barahman
> kyaa dehr meiN baaqi hi naheeN saahib-e-'irfaan ?
*Very* nice. A different way to look at those who seek
self-improvement through self-examination?
> 6.
> maKHmoor-e-mai-e-'ishq-e-haqeeqat hooN azal se
> ' ik khel hai mere liye aurang-e-Suleimaan ! ' (1)
kyaa baat hai! agar ek hi sh'er ko haasil-e-Ghazal ka
ohda diya jaa sakta hai, to woh mere nazdeek isi sh'er
ko diya jaana chaahiye.
> 7.
> deevaana-e-ulfat hooN maiN, deevaana-e-ulfat !
> kartaa hooN baDe faKHr se duniya meiN yeh e'laan
Ok.
> 8.
> DHaaye hai nayaa tarz-e-sitam aaj sitamgar
> 'GHairoN se shanaasaa' hai voh, apnoN se hai anjaan
bahut achchhe!
> 9.
> taa 'umr voh daanista rahaa mujhse gurezaaN
> aayaa hai dam-e-marg voh ab zood-pashemaan !
Ok. lekin donoN misr'oN meN "voh" kaa istemaal
kuchh ajeeb lag rahaa hai.
> 10.
> dil sail-e-havaadis meiN bahe jaata hai aksar
> barbaad kiye deta hai is darja yeh toofaan
bahut Khoob! agar "meiN" ki jagah lafz "se" istemaal
kareN to shaayad barbaadi ki wajah baKhoobi zaahir ho?
> 11.
> "roodaad-e-muhabbat" yaa ke "afsaana-e-ulfat"
> jo chaaheN banaa leeje meri zeest ka 'unvaan
bahut achchhe!
> 12.
> paaband-e-qafas hooN maiN kuchch is tarha, ke ai dost
> jeene ki hai soorat na hi marne ka hai imkaan
kyaa baat hai! sh'er #6 ke muqaabile meiN yeh sh'er
qatai kam nahiN hai. is ko bhi "haasil-e-Ghazal" qaraar
dena hi hoga!
> 13.
> behtar hai yehi dil na zamaane se lagaayeN
> is raah-e-fana'a meiN to hai nuqsaan hi nuqsaan
bahut Khoob! The first misra' is rather strongly
reminiscent of Zauq's
behtar to hai yahii ke na duniyaa se dil lage
perhaps you could simply pay tribute to the great
poet by reusing his misra'?
> 14.
> da'avaa-e- suKHan-daanee naheeN mujh ko, valekin
> likhtaa hooN sabab GHam ka to ban jaata hai deevaan
Very nice paraphrase of
mujh ko shaa'ir na kaho, Meer ke saahib maiN ne
dard-o-Gham jitne kiye jam'a so deevaan kiya
Very nice indeed.
> 15.
> haaN, banda-e- naa-ahl se maiN KHoob hooN vaaqif
> "naadaaN" to taKHallus hi naheeN, KHud bhi hai naadaan !
Beautiful! bahut achchha sh'er hai. sirf ek baat kahna
chaahooNga, ke agar "haaN" ki jagah
us banda-e-naa-ahl se maiN Khoob hooN waaqif
kaheN, to kaisa hoga?
Rajiv Chakravarti
> Rajiv sahib!
>
> meri bhi Khush_qismati dekhiye ke baad-e-muddat ALUP par aane
> kaa mauqa mila aur awwal-awwal aap hi ki Ghazal pa.Dhi! ALUP
> par lauTne ki Khushi meN maano chaar chaaNd lag gaye.
> bahut shukriya Ghazal peshT (pesh+posT :) karne kaa!
Ravindra-saahib,
zahe-naseeb ! aap ki nazreN jo meri tukbandi par
gireeN to yaqeen maaniye ke mere zulmatkada-e-dil
meiN "KHursheed" ka noor zuhoor huaa ! :-) !!
aap "baad-e-muddat" is mehfil meiN aaye aur aate
hi apna qeemti vaqt mujh naacheez ko diyaa, is ke liye
maiN aapka ehsaanmand hooN.
> (snip)
> may I be so bold as to suggest that sh'ers #2 and #13 have
> "Rajiv Chakravarti" written all over them: they are steeped
> in the simplicity of expression that is an endearing hallmark
> of your work.
aap mujhe apni ta'areef se sharmindaa kar rahe haiN, sahab! lekin
is baat par mujhko aap se ek baDi shikaayat hai. lagtaa
hai ke aap ne meri kaavishoN ko kaheeN na kaheeN se
paDH liyaa, lekin mujhe to aap ke kalaam ko paDHne ka
bohot hi kam mauqa' diyaa hai. aap se guzaarish ---
balke iltijaa hai ke aap apna kalaam "peshT" ;-)
karke hameN sab mustafeed hone ka sharaf deejiye.
(agar aap ka kalaam kaheeN "Internet" par maujood
hai, to uska URL bhi bataa deejiye... ) aap ko KHabar to
hogi ke mujhe aap ke KHayaalat aur aapka kalaam ko
paDhkar bohot KHushi hoti hai...
>
> Ghazal ke muta'lliq mere chand sawaalaat haiN jinka zikr
> karne ki jur`at kar rahaa hooN. ho sake to gustaaKhi m'aaf
> kareN. My comments are inline:
Ravindra-saahib, is meiN gustaaKhi vaali baat hi kahaaN
hai ?! tabaadla-e-KHayaal ke baGHair koi 'ilm meiN
izaafaa naheeN hoti hai. mujhe to aap ka shukriya-adaa
karna chaahiye ke aap ne apne KHayaalat pesh karne ki
zehmat kee... !
>
> rc...@yahoo.com (Rajiv Chakravarti) wrote:
> >
> > 1.
> > yalGHaar-e-tamanna hai to hai yoorish-e-armaan
> > kis tarha bataaooN ke hai mushkil meiN meri jaan !
>
> waah waah! Ghazal ka matlah to bahut achcha hai hi,
> Khaas taur se pehla misr'a, lekin ...
>
> > 2.
> > kartaa hooN sar-e-koo-e-butaaN KHud ko maiN qurbaan
> > kuchch mera iraadaa bhi hai, kuchch unka bhi farmaan
>
> ... matla-e-saani ki nazaakat ki to baat hi kuchh aur hai!
> bhai waah!
mehrbaani hai aapki, bohot shukriyaa !
>
> > 3.
> > Ka'aba ho yaa butKHaana ho, mandir yaa kaleesa
> > sab dar haiN mohabbat ke, sabhi KHaana-e-eemaan
>
> I'm probably splitting hairs, but doesn't the first
> misr'a appear to say that
> ka'aba IS TO butKhaana ...AS... mandir IS TO kaleesa?
>
> Also, how about interposing a "comma" between 'butkhaana'
> and 'ho', like so:
> ka'aba ho ya butKhaana, ho mandir yaa kaleesa
My intention was certainly not to make a
comparision as you point out, and I do not think
that my misra' does make an "IS TO .. AS .. "
comparison. If you prefer to read the line with
the "comma" moved then so be it.
Just to point out the development of the line,
my initial draft was:
Kaa'ba ho ya butKHaana ho, mandir ho yaa girjaa
sab dar ....
When I polled a friend though, the answer was that
"kaleesa" was a preferred word to "girjaa". I therefore
changed the line to its present form.
> (snip) is lafz ka
> sahih (at least in terms of metric length) talaffuz "naaKhaanda"
> hai. Perhaps
> kyaa muflis-o-naaKh(w)aanda, au kyaa shaah, kya sultaan
> would be an acceptable variant in terms of metric length,
> but, I admit, it is a rather "cheap" way out.
I certainly agree with you regarding the right "talaffuz"
of the word "naa-KHwaanda," but would respectfully like
to point out that I do not find the "inconsistency of metre"
that you do. Let me see how I can best exemplify my
stance:
The behr of the GHazal could be written as:
2 2112 2112 2112 2
2 2112 2112 2112 2
Attempting to break my line into its syllables, I get:
kyaa muf lis-o-naa KHwaa an daa, kyaa shaa h, kyaa sultaan
2 2 1 1 2 2 1 1 2 2 1 1 2 2
I believe the slight extension of the "aa" sound at the end
of the word "naa_KHwandaa" is acceptable here. PLEASE
re-look at this and see what you feel. The addition of "au"
does "cheapen" the line.
Now, if you have an alternate suggestion to word itself, I would
be delighted if you (or anyone else) would share their
thoughts with me. I cannot at this time think of an alternate.
>
> > 5.
> > KHudbeen haiN, KHudkaar haiN, sab sheiKH-o-barahman
> > kyaa dehr meiN baaqi hi naheeN saahib-e-'irfaan ?
>
> *Very* nice. A different way to look at those who seek
> self-improvement through self-examination?
>
Well, more so a sort of social commentary on the so-called
"righteous" people around us who "inflict" their ideologies
on "subjugated" minds .. I certainly won't claim this
to be a new thought !
> > 6.
> > maKHmoor-e-mai-e-'ishq-e-haqeeqat hooN azal se
> > ' ik khel hai mere liye aurang-e-Suleimaan ! ' (1)
>
> kyaa baat hai! agar ek hi sh'er ko haasil-e-Ghazal ka
> ohda diya jaa sakta hai, to woh mere nazdeek isi sh'er
> ko diya jaana chaahiye.
zahe-naseeb, Ravindra-saahib. You are too kind.
>
> > 7.
> > deevaana-e-ulfat hooN maiN, deevaana-e-ulfat !
> > kartaa hooN baDe faKHr se duniya meiN yeh e'laan
>
> Ok.
You're right.. This is more of a filler she'r than one
of much substance. The art of composing poetry is more
of an exercise to me in learning the language (I really
don't claim to be a poet ... see #14!!). I was simply
attempting to use a "less-frequently" used qaafiya
here ( as in "Suleimaan/sultaan/etc.)
>
> > 8.
> > DHaaye hai nayaa tarz-e-sitam aaj sitamgar
> > 'GHairoN se shanaasaa' hai voh, apnoN se hai anjaan
>
> bahut achchhe!
>
> > 9.
> > taa 'umr voh daanista rahaa mujhse gurezaaN
> > aayaa hai dam-e-marg voh ab zood-pashemaan !
>
> Ok. lekin donoN misr'oN meN "voh" kaa istemaal
> kuchh ajeeb lag rahaa hai.
I have to agree with you here. What if I replace the
"voh" in the first line to "jo"... ?? That would then
read:
taa 'umr jo daanista rahaa mujhse gurezaaN ,
aayaa hai dam-e-marg voh ab zood-pashemaan !
perhaps a minor improvement ? If so, thanks to you!
>
> > 10.
> > dil sail-e-havaadis meiN bahe jaata hai aksar
> > barbaad kiye deta hai is darja yeh toofaan
>
> bahut Khoob! agar "meiN" ki jagah lafz "se" istemaal
> kareN to shaayad barbaadi ki wajah baKhoobi zaahir ho?
>
hmm... the "lead in" into "se" after "havaadis" does
not sound great to me.. Besides, I think "meiN" sounds
a little better, IMO and is not technically incorrect,
I would think..
> > 11.
> > "roodaad-e-muhabbat" yaa ke "afsaana-e-ulfat"
> > jo chaaheN banaa leeje meri zeest ka 'unvaan
>
> bahut achchhe!
Thanks again..
>
> > 12.
> > paaband-e-qafas hooN maiN kuchch is tarha, ke ai dost
> > jeene ki hai soorat na hi marne ka hai imkaan
>
> kyaa baat hai! sh'er #6 ke muqaabile meiN yeh sh'er
> qatai kam nahiN hai. is ko bhi "haasil-e-Ghazal" qaraar
> dena hi hoga!
navaazish ... To be frank, I do not like constructions
like "ai dost" generally... what would you prefer ?
"ai dost" or "ab to" instead ?? Please comment.
Thanks.
>
> > 13.
> > behtar hai yehi dil na zamaane se lagaayeN
> > is raah-e-fana'a meiN to hai nuqsaan hi nuqsaan
>
> bahut Khoob! The first misra' is rather strongly
> reminiscent of Zauq's
> behtar to hai yahii ke na duniyaa se dil lage
> perhaps you could simply pay tribute to the great
> poet by reusing his misra'?
>
Ustaad-Zauq's she'r was certainly not what got me
into this line of thought, but the "behtar" and "yehi"
DO certainly remind us of his immortal couplet. Unfortunately,
I cannot use HIS misra' as-is because of the difference in
behr... ! I'm sure you see that as well as I do.
> > 14.
> > da'avaa-e- suKHan-daanee naheeN mujh ko, valekin
> > likhtaa hooN sabab GHam ka to ban jaata hai deevaan
>
> Very nice paraphrase of
> mujh ko shaa'ir na kaho, Meer ke saahib maiN ne
> dard-o-Gham jitne kiye jam'a so deevaan kiya
> Very nice indeed.
>
Once again, I should really claim that the resemblance
in the couplet is a mere coincidence. In fact, I have read
too little of Meer to have even remembered his she'r. A
brief background of the development of this she'r -- it actually
started off as:
shaa'ir hooN, na hi 'ilm-e-suKHan mujhko hai, lekin
kartaa hooN bayaaN GHam ka to ban jaata hai deevaan
and for various reasons ended up in its current form.
> > 15.
> > haaN, banda-e- naa-ahl se maiN KHoob hooN vaaqif
> > "naadaaN" to taKHallus hi naheeN, KHud bhi hai naadaan !
>
> Beautiful! bahut achchha sh'er hai. sirf ek baat kahna
> chaahooNga, ke agar "haaN" ki jagah
> us banda-e-naa-ahl se maiN Khoob hooN waaqif
> kaheN, to kaisa hoga?
>
Again, I did have "in" and "un" as options for the 1st word,
but then decided "haaN" was more emphatic in emotion and
zeal. Think of it as "someone posing me a question as to whether
I know the chap (!) 'naadaaN' at all... My answer? A resounding YES,
of course.. ! :-)
Once again, Ravindra-saahib, thank you for taking the time
to comment on this attempt. It is certainly a previlege to feel
"somewhat" worthy of your comments.... Please do post some of
your own wonderful poetry for all our benefit..
With regards,
Rajiv
Irfan 'Abid'
aap kii yeh umdah Ghazal dekhii. is se pahle ki kuchh aur arz karuuN,
apnii unqualified daad pesh karnaa chaahtaa huuN! Ghazal bahut umdah
hai! mazaa aa gayaa! Merii jaanib se mubaarak-baad qubuul farmaaiye.
ab aap ijaazat deN to kuchh savaalaat haiN. dar-asl Raj Kumar Sb kii
is zameen meN aisii dilkashii hai ki is Ghazal ko ek baar paRh kar
bhuul jaanaa muhaal hai. mere savaalaat aur taassuraat ko tanqiid
hargiz na samajhiyegaa, kyoNki maiN uskaa ahl nahiiN. kahiiN kahiiN
apnii faaltuu sii raaey zaruur darj kar dii hai, lekin bas yuuN hii!
munaasib lage to Ghaur kiijiye, varnaa raddii kii Tokrii to aap ke
yahaaN hogii hii!
1.
yalGHaar-e-tamanna hai to hai yoorish-e-armaan
kis tarha bataaooN ke hai mushkil meiN meri jaan !
matlaa Khuub hai! muaafii chaahtaa huuN, yahaaN lafz-e-'to'ke
iste'maal kii vajah samajh meN nahiiN aayii! 'to' se 'cause and
effect' vaalii baat paidaa ho gayii hai. maanii ke lihaaz se
'yalGhaar-e-tamannaa' aur 'yoorish-e-armaan' ek hii cheez haiN, aur
maiN ye samajhne se qaasir huuN ki 'cause' Khud apnaa 'effect' kaise
ho saktaa hai. az-raah-e-karam tashriih farmaaiye.
2.
kartaa hooN sar-e-koo-e-butaaN KHud ko maiN qurbaan
kuchch mera iraadaa bhi hai, kuchch unka bhi farmaan
vaah! bahut umdah!
3.
Ka'aba ho yaa butKHaana ho, mandir yaa kaleesa
sab dar haiN mohabbat ke, sabhi KHaana-e-eemaan
bahut Khuub! sher bahut umdah hai, lekin mere Khayaal meN 'butKhaanaa'
ke baad 'mandir' kii zaruurat nahiiN, ye repetition hai (Please don't
take it otherwise. I am talking about the poetic tradition only).
'Ayaaz' Jhansvi kaa ye sher dekhiye:
na shivaale, na kaleesaa, na haram jhuuTe haiN
bas yahii sach hai ki tum jhuuTe ho, ham jhuuTe haiN
merii naachiiz raaey meN agar aap pahlaa misraa yuuN kaheN to ye
dohraapan duur ho jaayegaa:
'ka'abaa ho yaa butKhaanaa ho yaa phir ho kaleesaa' yaa
'ka'abaa ho yaa mandir ho yaa phir ho vo kaleesaa'
4.
us baargah-e-'ishq meiN sab aik haiN beshak
kyaa muflis-o-naaKHwaanda(h), kyaa shaah, kyaa sultaan !
bahut umdah! sher Khuub hai, lekin pahle misre meN 'us' aur kuchh had
tak 'beshak' Ghair-zaruurii maaluum hote haiN. duusre misre meN bahr
kii maamuulii diqqat hai, jis par Ravindra Sb ne bhii aitaraaz kiyaa
hai. dar-asl lafz-e-'naaKhwaaNdah' meN 'vaao-maaduulah' vazn meN
nahiiN shumaar hogii. 'noon-e-Ghunnah' ke saath bhii yahii vaaqiyah
hai. lihaazah vazn ke lihaaz se is lafz kii suurat huii:
'naa-Khaa-dah'. is se zaahir hai ki misre ke vazn meN ek syllable kam
hai. merii naachiiz raaye meN agar aap sher yuuN kaheN to behtar hai:
haiN baargah-e-ishq meN sab ek hii saf meN
kyaa muflis-o-naaKhwaaNdah hai, kyaa shaah, kyaa sultaan
5.
KHudbeen haiN, KHudkaar haiN, sab sheiKH-o-barahman
kyaa dehr meiN baaqi hi naheeN saahib-e-'irfaan ?
vaah! aap ne haqeeqat bayaan kii hai! pahle misre meN 'Khudkaar' kuchh
out of place nahiiN lagtaa? is kaa iste'maal amuuman mashiinii aalaat
ke liye (ba-maanii 'automatic') kiyaa jaataa hai. agar aap mutma'in
haiN to Thiik hai, varnaa ise 'Khud-fahm' jaise kisii lafz se badal
diijiye.
6.
maKHmoor-e-mai-e-'ishq-e-haqeeqat hooN azal se
' ik khel hai mere liye aurang-e-Suleimaan ! ' (1)
gustaaKhii muaaf ho, lekin maiN 'ishq-e-haqeeqat' kii
'aurang-e-Sulemaan' se nisbat nahiiN samjhaa. aap se vazaahat kii
guzaarish hai. is ke ilaavah 'azal' kaa lafz sirf Khudaa kii zaat ke
liye mauzuuN samjhaa gayaa hai. merii naachiiz raaey meN 'azal se' kii
jagah 'hameshaa' jaisaa koii lafz ho to behtar hai.
7.
deevaana-e-ulfat hooN maiN, deevaana-e-ulfat !
kartaa hooN baDe faKHr se duniya meiN yeh e'laan
vaah!
8.
DHaaye hai nayaa tarz-e-sitam aaj sitamgar
'GHairoN se shanaasaa' hai voh, apnoN se hai anjaan
bahut Khuub! achchhaa sher hai. yahaaN ek maamuulii grammatical diqqat
hai. 'tarz-e-sitam' meN 'tarz' saamne hai aur yahii subject hai. fael
ko 'tarz' ke liye mauzuuN honaa laazim hai. 'Dhaaye' 'sitam' ke liye
Thiik hai lekin 'tarz' ke liye nahiiN. merii naachiiz raaey meN
'Dhaaye' ko 'laayaa' yaa isii tarah ke kisii lafz se badal deN to
behtar hai.
9.
taa 'umr voh daanista rahaa mujhse gurezaaN
aayaa hai dam-e-marg voh ab zood-pashemaan !
vaah! kyaa baat hai!
10.
dil sail-e-havaadis meiN bahe jaata hai aksar
barbaad kiye deta hai is darja yeh toofaan
vaah! bahut achchhe! 'dil bahne' kii tarkiib ajnabii hai. aap ko
pasand ho to ba-Khushii barqaraar rakhiye, varnaa ek naachiiz badal
pesh kar rahaa huuN. ismeN 'aksar' ko bhii badal diyaa gayaa hai, jo
mujhe zaraa 'filler' saa lagaa. duusre misre meN 'darja' kii bhii
Khaas zaruurat nahiiN, kyoNki 'barbaadii' Khud hii intihaayii darje
kii cheez hai. is sher kii ye suurat mulaahizah farmaaiye.
sab sail-e-havaadis meN bahaa jaataa hai meraa
barbaad kiye detaa hai haalaat kaa tuufaan
11.
"roodaad-e-muhabbat" yaa ke "afsaana-e-ulfat"
jo chaaheN banaa leeje meri zeest ka 'unvaan
achchhaa sher hai! 'yaa ke' meN koii harj nahiiN lekin 'ho yaa' se
flow kuchh behtar mahsuus hotaa hai.
12.
paaband-e-qafas hooN maiN kuchch is tarha, ke ai dost
jeene ki hai soorat na hi marne ka hai imkaan
vaah! bahut hii aalaa sher hai! duusre misre meN 'na hi' kaa tukRaa
halkii sii rukaavat Daal rahaa hai. agar alfaaz kii tartiib meN
maamuuli tabdiilii kar deN to mazaa do-baalaa ho jaaye, kuchh yuuN:
'jeene kii hii suurat hai na marne kaa hai imkaan'
13.
behtar hai yehi dil na zamaane se lagaayeN
is raah-e-fana'a meiN to hai nuqsaan hi nuqsaan
bahut Khuub! sahiih farmaayaa aap ne!
14.
da'avaa-e- suKHan-daanee naheeN mujh ko, valekin
likhtaa hooN sabab GHam ka to ban jaata hai deevaan
vaah! yeh to kam-o-besh har shaa'ir kii kahaanii hai! pahle misre meN
'daanee' kii 'ye' gir gayii hai aur fauran baad 'naheeN' aa gayaa hai,
jo bhalaa nahiiN maaluum hotaa. iske ilaavah 'daavah nahiiN mujh ko'
kii tarkiib bhii kuchh jachii nahiiN. pahlaa misraa yuuN kaheN to
kaisaa rahegaa?
'kartaa nahiiN da'aavaa-e-suKhan-daanee maiN, lekin'
15.
haaN, banda-e- naa-ahl se maiN KHoob hooN vaaqif
"naadaaN" to taKHallus hi naheeN, KHud bhi hai naadaan !
maqtaa bhii Khuub hai! aap ne pahle misre meN 'haaN' ko tarjiih dii
hai, lekin mere Khayaal meN 'us' behtar hai. duusre misre meN ek
diqqat hai. iske ek tukRe meN aap kaa taKhallus faa'il hai, aur ek meN
aap Khud! is se misraa kuchh bejoR saa ho gayaa hai. merii raaey meN
aap ise yuuN kaheN to behtar hai:
"naadaaN" hai taKhallus kii tarah vaaqa'ii naadaan
(SEPTEMBER 26, 2001 - ARLINGTON, TX - USA)
(1) " ik khel hai aurang-e-SuleimaaN mere nazdeek
ik baat hai 'aijaaz-e-maseehaa mere aage " --- [ Mirza GHaalib ]
>
> aap sab ke ta'assuraat ka muntazir,
>
> faqat,
> Rajiv Chakravarti "naadaaN"
Rajiv Sb, aaKhir meN aap ko is aalaa Ghazal par phir mubaarakbaad
denaa chaahtaa huuN. ummiid hai aap ke kalaam se aaindah bhii mahzuuz
hone ke mavaaq'e mileNge.
Niyaazmand,
Irfan 'Abid'
Rajiv Chakravarti
>
> aap kii yeh umdah Ghazal dekhii. is se pahle ki kuchh aur arz karuuN,
> apnii unqualified daad pesh karnaa chaahtaa huuN! Ghazal bahut umdah
> hai! mazaa aa gayaa! Merii jaanib se mubaarak-baad qubuul farmaaiye.
>
Irfan-sahib, aadaab..
aap ka maiN bohot hi mamnoon hooN ke aap ne meri kaavish ko na
sirf paDHne ki zehmat kee, balke taqreeban har she'r par apni
raaye se mujhe navaaza.
> mere savaalaat aur taassuraat ko tanqiid
> hargiz na samajhiyegaa, kyoNki maiN uskaa ahl nahiiN. kahiiN kahiiN
> apnii faaltuu sii raaey zaruur darj kar dii hai, lekin bas yuuN hii!
> munaasib lage to Ghaur kiijiye, varnaa raddii kii Tokrii to aap ke
> yahaaN hogii hii!
aisi baat bilkul naheeN hai, Irfan-saahib. aap ne mujhe apna vaqt diyaa
to maiN Khud ko KHush-naseeb maanta hooN. aur chooN-ke aap ne itnaa
"kashT" uThaayaa, maiN aapko javaab dena mera farz samajhtaa hooN.
adab ke mu'aammle meiN to "faaltuu raaye" kisi ke naheeN hote haiN, har
kisi ko apne aa'raa par poora haq huaa kartaa hai. sach to yeh hai
ke savaalat aur izhaar-e-KHayaal kaa haq to har kisi ka hai, chaahe
voh adeeb/naqqaad ho ke hum jaise "naa-KHwaandaa" !! :-) !!
>
> 1.
> yalGHaar-e-tamanna hai to hai yoorish-e-armaan
> kis tarha bataaooN ke hai mushkil meiN meri jaan !
>
> matlaa Khuub hai! muaafii chaahtaa huuN, yahaaN lafz-e-'to'ke
> iste'maal kii vajah samajh meN nahiiN aayii! 'to' se 'cause and
> effect' vaalii baat paidaa ho gayii hai. maanii ke lihaaz se
> 'yalGhaar-e-tamannaa' aur 'yoorish-e-armaan' ek hii cheez haiN, aur
> maiN ye samajhne se qaasir huuN ki 'cause' Khud apnaa 'effect' kaise
> ho saktaa hai. az-raah-e-karam tashriih farmaaiye.
lafz "to" yahaaN par "Cause & Effect relationship" naheeN, balke
"over and above relationship" zaahir kartaa hai (kam-az-kam mera to yeh
iraadaa thaa). yaa'ni "na ke sirf 'yalGHaar-e-tamanna' hai, magar
'yoorish-e-armaan' bhi.. yaa yooN sochiye ke "kabhi (a) hai to
kabhi (b)... " ... aap ne yeh bhi kahaa hai ke (a) aur (b) mere
misr'e meiN "ek hi cheez haiN." bilaa-shak aap Theek farmaate haiN,
lekin shaa'iri meiN "repitition" to bohot hi aam hai ! inheeN vujooh
ke bina par mujhe matla' saheeH ma'aloom hotaa hai.
>
> 2.
> kartaa hooN sar-e-koo-e-butaaN KHud ko maiN qurbaan
> kuchch mera iraadaa bhi hai, kuchch unka bhi farmaan
>
> vaah! bahut umdah!
bohot bohot shukriya!
>
> 3.
> Ka'aba ho yaa butKHaana ho, mandir yaa kaleesa
> sab dar haiN mohabbat ke, sabhi KHaana-e-eemaan
>
> bahut Khuub! sher bahut umdah hai, lekin mere Khayaal meN 'butKhaanaa'
> ke baad 'mandir' kii zaruurat nahiiN, ye repetition hai (Please don't
> take it otherwise. I am talking about the poetic tradition only).
> 'Ayaaz' Jhansvi kaa ye sher dekhiye:
>
> na shivaale, na kaleesaa, na haram jhuuTe haiN
> bas yahii sach hai ki tum jhuuTe ho, ham jhuuTe haiN
>
> merii naachiiz raaey meN agar aap pahlaa misraa yuuN kaheN to ye
> dohraapan duur ho jaayegaa:
>
> 'ka'abaa ho yaa butKhaanaa ho yaa phir ho kaleesaa' yaa
> 'ka'abaa ho yaa mandir ho yaa phir ho vo kaleesaa'
>
Actually, in one sense you are right about "poetic tradition," BUT
(and I capitalize the "but" for a reason).. there is a "philosphical"
difference in the words "butKHaana" and "mandir" (if not etymologically).
A)
-- "mandir" here is interpreted in its "usual" meaning being "the
Hindu house of God... " There is also the deeper meaning of mandir
(which by the way is not directly apparent in the other words used in
the misra': Ka'aaba, butKhaana, kaleesaa, etc) - which is that of the
"heart" ( "man" yaa "rooh" ko bhi mandir kehte haiN, you see, the SEAT of
divinity in our philosphy, whereby negating the need for ANY and ALL
external modes or support structures in reaching GOD!! I can probably go
a little into the "dvaitaa" (duality) and "advaitaa" (singularity)
concepts of Vedantic philosophy a bit to clarify further, but that would
perhaps be of little benefit here... To make things as simple here, let
us just make the thought "akin" the Sufistic "self-realization" principles..
B)
-- "butKhaana" on the other hand is interpreted in my she'r as
being simply a place of idols, which can be really anything.. From
the "basic elements of life (fire/water/etc, or a need for a "form"
to worship and base one's faith on...
I guess what I am trying to get at is that in my mind (and several
other philosophers), the two words carry different connotations. I
realize that the "layman" tends to combine the two words to one..
I hope my ramblings make some sense to you. If not, please ask me
to re-explain and I shall try again...
> 4.
> us baargah-e-'ishq meiN sab aik haiN beshak
> kyaa muflis-o-naaKHwaanda(h), kyaa shaah, kyaa sultaan !
>
> bahut umdah! sher Khuub hai, lekin pahle misre meN 'us' aur kuchh had
> tak 'beshak' Ghair-zaruurii maaluum hote haiN.
meri samajh meiN aap ki yeh baat naheeN aayi. aap se guzaarish hai
ke aap ek baar phir apna 'eitraaz zaahir kareN.. shukriyaa..
> lihaazah vazn ke lihaaz se is lafz kii suurat huii:
> 'naa-Khaa-dah'. is se zaahir hai ki misre ke vazn meN ek syllable kam
> hai. merii naachiiz raaye meN agar aap sher yuuN kaheN to behtar hai:
>
> haiN baargah-e-ishq meN sab ek hii saf meN
> kyaa muflis-o-naaKhwaaNdah hai, kyaa shaah, kyaa sultaan
>
aap ne she'r ka pehlaa misraa meiN jo tabdeeli kee hai, voh bhi
bhi achchi hai, lekin doosre misre' meiN aapki baat ko madd-e-nazar rakhte hue
guzaarish kartaa hooN ke "naa-KHwaaNdah" ke 'ilaava agar koi aur
lafz zehn meiN aaye, to bataane meiN ta'ammul na kareN ..
> 5.
> KHudbeen haiN, KHudkaar haiN, sab sheiKH-o-barahman
> kyaa dehr meiN baaqi hi naheeN saahib-e-'irfaan ?
>
> vaah! aap ne haqeeqat bayaan kii hai! pahle misre meN 'Khudkaar' kuchh
> out of place nahiiN lagtaa? is kaa iste'maal amuuman mashiinii aalaat
> ke liye (ba-maanii 'automatic') kiyaa jaataa hai. agar aap mutma'in
> haiN to Thiik hai, varnaa ise 'Khud-fahm' jaise kisii lafz se badal
> diijiye.
is kaa mujhe bilkul 'ilm naheeN thaa ke "Khudkaar" sirf "masheen" ke
liye istemaal karte haiN ?? maine sochaa ke ma'ani "driven to action
for selfish reasons or personal gains" bhi hai.. Can anyone please
clarify further ? In fact, "KHudkaar" lafz par mere aik bohot bohot
buzurg shaa'ir dost ko eitraaz naheeN thaa jab unhoN ne GHazal paDHee
thee..
>
> 6.
> maKHmoor-e-mai-e-'ishq-e-haqeeqat hooN azal se
> ' ik khel hai mere liye aurang-e-Suleimaan ! ' (1)
>
> gustaaKhii muaaf ho, lekin maiN 'ishq-e-haqeeqat' kii
> 'aurang-e-Sulemaan' se nisbat nahiiN samjhaa. aap se vazaahat kii
> guzaarish hai.
'aurang-e-Suleimaan' here ONLY refers to "worldly pleasures".
(metaphor for riches/gems/money/etc). That is all.
> is ke ilaavah 'azal' kaa lafz sirf Khudaa kii zaat ke
> liye mauzuuN samjhaa gayaa hai. merii naachiiz raaey meN 'azal se' kii
> jagah 'hameshaa' jaisaa koii lafz ho to behtar hai.
>
You probably raise a very good point here.. I will do a little
more research on this point. Thank you for bringing this to my attention.
> 7.
> deevaana-e-ulfat hooN maiN, deevaana-e-ulfat !
> kartaa hooN baDe faKHr se duniya meiN yeh e'laan
>
> vaah!
>
shukriyaa... !
> 8.
> DHaaye hai nayaa tarz-e-sitam aaj sitamgar
> 'GHairoN se shanaasaa' hai voh, apnoN se hai anjaan
>
> bahut Khuub! achchhaa sher hai. yahaaN ek maamuulii grammatical diqqat
> hai. 'tarz-e-sitam' meN 'tarz' saamne hai aur yahii subject hai. fael
> ko 'tarz' ke liye mauzuuN honaa laazim hai. 'Dhaaye' 'sitam' ke liye
> Thiik hai lekin 'tarz' ke liye nahiiN. merii naachiiz raaey meN
> 'Dhaaye' ko 'laayaa' yaa isii tarah ke kisii lafz se badal deN to
> behtar hai.
>
Another valid point, I am sure.. How about:
" Dhaaye hai nayaa aaj sitam mera sitamgar"
instead ? That should be more satisfactory..? :-)
> 9.
> taa 'umr jo daanista rahaa mujhse gurezaaN
> aayaa hai dam-e-marg voh ab zood-pashemaan !
>
> vaah! kyaa baat hai!
mehrbaani hai aapki.
>
> 10.
> dil sail-e-havaadis meiN bahe jaata hai aksar
> barbaad kiye deta hai is darja yeh toofaan
>
> vaah! bahut achchhe! 'dil bahne' kii tarkiib ajnabii hai. aap ko
> pasand ho to ba-Khushii barqaraar rakhiye, varnaa ek naachiiz badal
> pesh kar rahaa huuN. ismeN 'aksar' ko bhii badal diyaa gayaa hai, jo
> mujhe zaraa 'filler' saa lagaa. duusre misre meN 'darja' kii bhii
> Khaas zaruurat nahiiN, kyoNki 'barbaadii' Khud hii intihaayii darje
> kii cheez hai. is sher kii ye suurat mulaahizah farmaaiye.
>
> sab sail-e-havaadis meN bahaa jaataa hai meraa
> barbaad kiye detaa hai haalaat kaa tuufaan
>
"aksar" in my opionion states a "relapse" or "continuity" and I
respectfully would like to keep my original form as-is.. Please
do not take this as disregarding your opinion here. In fact, all
your opinions are being seriously looked at as a personal learning
experience for me.. !
> 11.
> "roodaad-e-muhabbat" yaa ke "afsaana-e-ulfat"
> jo chaaheN banaa leeje meri zeest ka 'unvaan
>
> achchhaa sher hai! 'yaa ke' meN koii harj nahiiN lekin 'ho yaa' se
> flow kuchh behtar mahsuus hotaa hai.
Right, already done though !! :-) !
>
> 12.
> paaband-e-qafas hooN maiN kuchch is tarha, ke ai dost
> jeene ki hai soorat na hi marne ka hai imkaan
>
> vaah! bahut hii aalaa sher hai! duusre misre meN 'na hi' kaa tukRaa
> halkii sii rukaavat Daal rahaa hai. agar alfaaz kii tartiib meN
> maamuuli tabdiilii kar deN to mazaa do-baalaa ho jaaye, kuchh yuuN:
>
> 'jeene kii hii suurat hai na marne kaa hai imkaan'
I think this is a matter of personal taste.. I believe the line
is fine as it is myself..
>
> 13.
> behtar hai yehi dil na zamaane se lagaayeN
> is raah-e-fana'a meiN to hai nuqsaan hi nuqsaan
>
> bahut Khuub! sahiih farmaayaa aap ne!
Thanks.
>
> 14.
> da'avaa-e- suKHan-daanee naheeN mujh ko, valekin
> likhtaa hooN sabab GHam ka to ban jaata hai deevaan
>
> pahlaa misraa yuuN kaheN to kaisaa rahegaa?
>
> 'kartaa nahiiN da'aavaa-e-suKhan-daanee maiN, lekin'
Again, I see a slight difference of preference. Let us see
how the ALUP audience votes on this one.. I did have another
variation proposed in response to Ravindra-sahib's post also.
>
> 15.
> haaN, banda-e- naa-ahl se maiN KHoob hooN vaaqif
> "naadaaN" to taKHallus hi naheeN, KHud bhi hai naadaan !
>
> maqtaa bhii Khuub hai! aap ne pahle misre meN 'haaN' ko tarjiih dii
> hai, lekin mere Khayaal meN 'us' behtar hai. duusre misre meN ek
> diqqat hai. iske ek tukRe meN aap kaa taKhallus faa'il hai, aur ek meN
> aap Khud! is se misraa kuchh bejoR saa ho gayaa hai. merii raaey meN
> aap ise yuuN kaheN to behtar hai:
>
> "naadaaN" hai taKhallus kii tarah vaaqa'ii naadaan
>
or perhaps:
"naadaaN" to taKHallus ki tarah KHud bhi hai naadaan
maybe ... ?? Will give this some thought as well..
>
> Rajiv Sb, aaKhir meN aap ko is aalaa Ghazal par phir mubaarakbaad
> denaa chaahtaa huuN. ummiid hai aap ke kalaam se aaindah bhii mahzuuz
> hone ke mavaaq'e mileNge.
>
> Niyaazmand,
> Irfan 'Abid'
Irfan-sahib, shukriya mujhe AAP ka karna chaahiye, ke aap ne mujhe
apni kaavish par ek aur baar "nukta-cheeni" karne par majboor kar diyaa.
apna qeemti vaqt mujh naacheez par gaNvaa dene ka aap ka ehsaanmand hooN.
faqat,
Rajiv
Raj Kumar
> aaj mehfil meiN ek naacheez kaavish lekar haazir
> huaa hooN, jo aap sab ki nazr aur KHaas taur par
> janaab Rajkumar-saahib ki nazr karnaa chaahooNga...
> jaise ke maine pehle bhi bataaya thaa, is GHair-muraddaf
> GHazal ka asaas RK-saahib hi ki ek KHoobsoorat
> GHazal hai, jis ka matl'a hai:
>
> kis darja dil-aavez thi ai dost teri shaan
> eemaan bhi ab kufr hai, ab kufr bhi eemaan
>
> aap sab ke saamne pesh karne se pehle amin
> yeh chaahtaa hooN ke RK-saahib ko "credit"
> diyaa jaaye. meri GHazal ki zameen vohi hai -
> dar asl unki GHazal se maiN itnaa mutassir
> huaa ke KHud is zameen meiN kuchch kehne
> par majboor ho gayaa.
Rajiv Saahib:
Ghazal inaayat farmaane par aap ka bahut bahut shukriya. aur jis
Khuloos se aap ne meri Ghazal ka zikr kiyaa hai, us ke liye aap ka
mazeed shukriya.
aap ki Ghazal ne kam-az-kam Mas'uud Saahib ki to baachheN khilaa deeN!
mausoof bahut dinoN se apne seene meiN Ghubaar liye baiThe the; bhalaa
ho aap ki Ghazal ka, jis ne unheN apna Ghubaar nikaalne ka mauqa'
baham pahuNchaaya. :-))
[mera ishaara us Khat-o-kitaabat ki taraf hai jo un ke aur mere
darmiyaaN meri isi Ghazal par huyee thi --- havaale ke liye aap us
Khat-o-kitaabat ko ab bhi ALUP par paRh sakte haiN. us 'encounter' ke
ba'ad, unhoN ne Khud hi tai kiyaa tha ke voh aa'iNda meri kisi 'post'
par 'follow-up' naheeN likhkheN ge. is liye, behtar to yihi tha ke voh
meri Ghazal par aisa 'indirect' fatva bhi na dete --- magar kya kareN?
in ke bhi bas ki baat naheeN ---
kiyooN-ke, ba-qaul-e-Ustaad Zauq,
"jo peT ke halke hoN, pache baat kab un se
rokeN to aphar jaaye shikam aur ziyaada".] :-))
Khair, chhoRiye is baat ko aur chaliye aap ki Ghazal ki taraf.
> ek aaKHri baat karnaa zaroori samajhtaa hooN.
> mundarja GHazal meiN maine do-teen jagah
> par "qavaafi" alfaaz ko izaafat ke saath baandhaa
> hai, lekin unka shakl vaise hi rakhaa jaise
> baGHair izaafat ke hoN (ex: #3, #5, #6 ..).
> agar yeh baat aap meiN se kisi ko bilkul GHalat
> lage, to fauran nishaan-dehi keejiye aur mujh naacheez
> ko sahi raastaa dikhaa deejiye. (vaise maine is GHazal
> ko mere ek buzurg dost [ jo KHud ek maahir-shaa'ir haiN ]
> ko dikhaa diyaa thaa aur unhoN ne mere izaafat ke
> taraakeeb par ungli to naheeN uThaayi thi... magar phir
> bhi .... )
sab se pehle to maiN is mauzoo' par kuchh kehna chaahooN ga. jahaaN
tak mujhe yaad hai, koi saal do saal pehle maiN ne yeh baat aap se
kahi thi aur aap ne is baat ko 'acknowledge' bhi kiyaa tha magar ab
[perhaps, by way of convenience!] aap is baat ka ulaNghan kar rahe
haiN! maiN, sabhi dostoN ki Khaatir, us baat ko aek baar phir dohraa
rahaa hooN; aap is baat ko mushaahida samajheN ya kuchh aur, magar
maiN ne to yeh baat bachpan hi meiN ba-taur "qaa'ida" seekhi thi!!!
The matter is this: if a given word ends in 'n' preceded by a long
vowel and is used as the second word in an izaafat, then its 'n' gets
replaced by an 'N';
ya'ani-ke, us lafz ki 'noon' 'noon Ghunna' se badal jaati hai! maslan,
jaan --- rag-e-jaaN, not rag-e-jaan,
jahaan --- Gham-e-jahaaN, not Gham-e-jahaan,
zameen --- kurra-e-zameeN, not kurra-e-zameen,
raNgeen --- gul-e-raNgeeN, not gul-e-raNgeen,
junoon --- josh-e-junooN, not josh-e-junoon,
sukoon --- jaa-e-sukooN, not jaa-e-sukoon,
vaGhaira, vaGhaira.
maiN ne yeh Khat likhne se pehle kayee deevaanoN ko phir se dekha hai.
Rajiv Saahib, maiN ne darjanoN maqaamaat par isi usool ko kaar-farmaa
paaya hai, kaheeN par bhi is ka ulaNghan hote naheeN dekha. ab aage
aap ki marzi! :-))
vaise, aap ka yeh farmaan ke aek buzurg shaa'ir ne is baat par uNgali
naheeN rakkhi --- doesn't mean much. ho sakta hai voh saahib is baat
se naa-aashnaa hoN ya phir aashnaa hoN magar az-rah-e-maslahat
Khaamosh rahe hoN. aur yahaaN par bhi na Ravindra Saahib ne aur na hi
Irfaan Saahib ne is baat ki taraf ishaara kiya hai [Mas'uud Saahib se
to, Khair, aisi baareek-beeni ki tavaqqo' hi naheeN thi] :-))
However, that doesn't mean that you, as an aspiring Urdu poet, should
be unmindful of it.
Please note that, in reference to your she'r # 6, you yourself have
quoted Ghaalib. And you'll readily see that Ghaalib too has used this
tarkeeb with 'N', and not with 'n' --- aur baat yahaaN par sirf
'meter' hi ki naheeN, 'grammer' ki bhi hai!
ab aap ne aisi taraakeeb she'r # 1, 3, 5 aur 6 meiN iste'maal ki haiN
aur voh bhi ba-taur qaafiya!!! is liye, in taraakeeb ki islaah bhi
naa-mumkin hai, kiyooN-ke in ki islaah ka matlab to vuhi hoga jo ke
aek man-chale 'dentist' ki dukaan par likhkha tha:
"ilaaj-e-daNdaaN, iKhraaj-e-daNdaaN"! :-))
is liye, Rajiv Saahib, maiN in chaar ash'aar par kuchh bhi kehne se
ma'azoor hooN. albatta, baaqi ash'aar par jald hi apni raaye dene ki
koshish karooN ga.
Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar
Raj Kumar
Rajiv Saahib:
aap ne ab tak mera pehla Khat paRh hi liyaa hoga. ab agar ijaazat ho
to maiN aap ki Ghazal ke kuchh ash'aar par apni raaye arz karooN.
jaisa ke maiN pehle hi keh chuka hooN, maiN she'r # 1, 3, 5 aur 6 par
mazeed kuchh naheeN kahooN ga
kiyooN-ke mere nazdeek yoorish-e-armaan, Khaana-e-eemaan, vaGhaira
vaGhaira durust taraakeeb naheeN haiN.
> > 2.
> > kartaa hooN sar-e-koo-e-butaaN KHud ko maiN qurbaan
> > kuchch mera iraadaa bhi hai, kuchch unka bhi farmaan
yeh she'r har lihaaz se achchha hai; mubaarak ho.
> > 4.
> > us baargah-e-'ishq meiN sab aik haiN beshak
> > kyaa muflis-o-naaKHwaanda(h), kyaa shaah, kyaa sultaan !
> > lihaazah vazn ke lihaaz se is lafz kii suurat huii:
> > 'naa-Khaa-dah'. is se zaahir hai ki misre ke vazn meN ek syllable kam
> > hai. merii naachiiz raaye meN agar aap sher yuuN kaheN to behtar hai:
> >
> > haiN baargah-e-ishq meN sab ek hii saf meN
> > kyaa muflis-o-naaKhwaaNdah hai, kyaa shaah, kyaa sultaan
> >
>
> aap ne she'r ka pehlaa misraa meiN jo tabdeeli kee hai, voh bhi
> bhi achchi hai, lekin doosre misre' meiN aapki baat ko madd-e-nazar rakhte hue
> guzaarish kartaa hooN ke "naa-KHwaaNdah" ke 'ilaava agar koi aur
> lafz zehn meiN aaye, to bataane meiN ta'ammul na kareN ..
is she'r par bahut kuchh kahaa sunaa gayaa hai, albatta aek baat ki
taraf ishaara abhi tak naheeN huaa --- voh hai lafz 'kyaa' ka
talaffuz. yaqeenan, is lafz ko bar-vazn 'kaa' baratna chaahiye aur voh
bhi 'long vowel' ke saath, 'short vowel' ke saath naheeN. albatta,
yahaaN par is she'r ki har 'version' meiN [chaahe voh aap ki apni
'version' ho yaa Ravindra Saahib ki yaa Irfaan Saahib ki] sabhi meiN
'sultaan' se pehle vaala 'kyaa' 'short vowel' se bartaa ja rahaa hai.
yeh Theek naheeN hai.
doosri baat yeh ke Irfaan Saahib ki version meiN jo pehla misra hai us
meiN lafz 'meN' ki takraar naheeN jach rahi. How abou this instead?
haiN baargah-e-ishq meiN sab log baraabar
albatta doosre misre ki tasheeh bahut mushkil hai. aur is misre par
mujhe aek mazeed eiteraaz bhi hai --- voh yeh ke ise paRh kar yooN
lagta hai jaise sirf muflis log hi naa-KhwaaNda hote haiN, shaah aur
sultaan naa-KhwaaNda maheeN hote!
mere Khayaal meiN, yahaaN par lafz naa-KhwaaNda se par_hez hi kiyaa
jaaye to behtar hoga.
> > 7.
> > deevaana-e-ulfat hooN maiN, deevaana-e-ulfat !
> > kartaa hooN baDe faKHr se duniya meiN yeh e'laan
As you yourself have admitted, this she'r is just O.K. In any case,
there is nothing wrong with it.
> > 8.
> > DHaaye hai nayaa tarz-e-sitam aaj sitamgar
> > 'GHairoN se shanaasaa' hai voh, apnoN se hai anjaan
> >
> > bahut Khuub! achchhaa sher hai. yahaaN ek maamuulii grammatical diqqat
> > hai. 'tarz-e-sitam' meN 'tarz' saamne hai aur yahii subject hai. fael
> > ko 'tarz' ke liye mauzuuN honaa laazim hai. 'Dhaaye' 'sitam' ke liye
> > Thiik hai lekin 'tarz' ke liye nahiiN. merii naachiiz raaey meN
> > 'Dhaaye' ko 'laayaa' yaa isii tarah ke kisii lafz se badal deN to
> > behtar hai.
> >
>
> Another valid point, I am sure.. How about:
> " Dhaaye hai nayaa aaj sitam mera sitamgar"
> instead ? That should be more satisfactory..? :-)
Irfaan Saahib ka eiteraaz bilkul jaa'iz hai, magar aap ke islaah-shuda
misre meiN "mera sitamgar" naheeN jach rahaa; in my opinion, this very
much cheapens the misra. aur doosre misre meiN, lafz 'voh' kuchh
faaltoo sa lag rahaa hai. How about this instead?
Dhaaye hai nayee jaur-o-sitam aaj sitamgar
GhairoN se 'shanaasaaii' hai, apnoN se hai anjaan
aap note keejiye ga ke lafz 'shanaasaaii' ke iste'maal meiN kuchh
sharaarat ka maadda bhi hai --- jo ke lafz 'shanaasaa' meiN naheeN
hai!
> > 9.
> > taa 'umr jo daanista rahaa mujh se gurezaaN
> > aayaa hai dam-e-marg voh ab zood-pashemaan !
nihaayat achchha she'r hai; mubaarak ho.
> > 10.
> > dil sail-e-havaadis meiN bahe jaata hai aksar
> > barbaad kiye deta hai is darja yeh toofaan
> >
> > vaah! bahut achchhe! 'dil bahne' kii tarkiib ajnabii hai. aap ko
> > pasand ho to ba-Khushii barqaraar rakhiye, varnaa ek naachiiz badal
> > pesh kar rahaa huuN. ismeN 'aksar' ko bhii badal diyaa gayaa hai, jo
> > mujhe zaraa 'filler' saa lagaa. duusre misre meN 'darja' kii bhii
> > Khaas zaruurat nahiiN, kyoNki 'barbaadii' Khud hii intihaayii darje
> > kii cheez hai. is sher kii ye suurat mulaahizah farmaaiye.
> >
> > sab sail-e-havaadis meN bahaa jaataa hai meraa
> > barbaad kiye detaa hai haalaat kaa tuufaan
> >
>
> "aksar" in my opionion states a "relapse" or "continuity" and I
> respectfully would like to keep my original form as-is.. Please
> do not take this as disregarding your opinion here. In fact, all
> your opinions are being seriously looked at as a personal learning
> experience for me.. !
'bahe jaata hai' aur 'kiye deta hai' seeGha-e-haal ki soorateN haiN;
in ke saath 'aksar' ka iste'maal Theek naheeN lag rahaa. 'aksar' ka
iste'maal to tab ho agar aap kaheN 'beh jaata ha', 'kar deta hai',
etc.
aur Irfaan Saahib ke mujavviza misre meiN, lafz 'sab' naa-kaafi sa lag
rahaa hai. agar 'sab kuchh' keh sakte to behtar hota magar ba-vajah
'meter' naheeN keh sakte. meri raaye meiN, aap ko is she'r par mazeed
tavajjoh dena hogi.
> > 11.
> > "roodaad-e-muhabbat" yaa ke "afsaana-e-ulfat"
> > jo chaaheN banaa leeje meri zeest ka 'unvaan
> >
> > achchhaa sher hai! 'yaa ke' meN koii harj nahiiN lekin 'ho yaa' se
> > flow kuchh behtar mahsuus hotaa hai.
>
> Right, already done though !! :-) !
aap yahaaN par 'yaa ke' kaheN yaa 'ke yaa' kaheN, dono sooratoN meiN
lafz 'yaa' short vowel se aa rahaa hai. yeh baat bhi Theek naheeN hai,
kiyooN-ke is lafz ko bhi hamesha long vowel ke saath baratna chaahiye.
meri raaye meiN, aap 'ho ke' kaheN to behtar hoga.
doosri baat yeh ke doosre misre meiN, there is a grammatical mismatch
between 'chaaheN' and 'leeje'. Just to illustrate the point, I may say
that "jo chaaho banaa leejo" does not suffer from this
mismatch.....nor does "jo chaaheN banaa leveN". I am not suggesting
these as alternatives --- I am doing so just to show what I mean by
mismatch. In my opinion, this needs some re-thinking.
> > 12.
> > paaband-e-qafas hooN maiN kuchch is tarha, ke ai dost
> > jeene ki hai soorat na hi marne ka hai imkaan
> >
> > vaah! bahut hii aalaa sher hai! duusre misre meN 'na hi' kaa tukRaa
> > halkii sii rukaavat Daal rahaa hai. agar alfaaz kii tartiib meN
> > maamuuli tabdiilii kar deN to mazaa do-baalaa ho jaaye, kuchh yuuN:
> >
> > 'jeene kii hii suurat hai na marne kaa hai imkaan'
>
> I think this is a matter of personal taste.. I believe the line
> is fine as it is myself..
I also prefer the original version here, though I have another comment
to make.
aap ne Ravindra Saahib ke Khat ke javaab meiN kahaa hai ke aap 'ai
dost' ki tarkeeb iste'maal karne se jhijakte haiN. yaqeenan yeh aap ka
zaati Khayaal hai, varna yeh tarkeeb hai baRi kaar-aamad! aap ne meri
jis Ghazal par apni is Ghazal ki asaas rakkhi hai, us ke to matle hi
meiN yeh tarkeeb iste'maal ki gayee hai aur aap ne Khud use bahut
pasaNd farmaaya tha. Ultimately, it all depends on the context. Here
is another example from a more recent Ghazal of mine:
vuhi taptaa hua maahaul, vuhi gard-o-Ghubaar
ab ke, ai dost, tira shaihr bhi saihraa niklaa!
dekhiye, yahaaN par yeh phrase kis (teekhe) aNdaaz se iste'maal hui
hai!
> > 13.
> > behtar hai yehi dil na zamaane se lagaayeN
> > is raah-e-fana'a meiN to hai nuqsaan hi nuqsaan
Pretty good!
> > 14.
> > da'avaa-e- suKHan-daanee naheeN mujh ko, valekin
> > likhtaa hooN sabab GHam ka to ban jaata hai deevaan
> >
> > pahlaa misraa yuuN kaheN to kaisaa rahegaa?
> >
> > 'kartaa nahiiN da'aavaa-e-suKhan-daanee maiN, lekin'
>
> Again, I see a slight difference of preference. Let us see
> how the ALUP audience votes on this one.. I did have another
> variation proposed in response to Ravindra-sahib's post also.
yahaaN par dono 'versions' meiN aek bhaari samassayaa hai --- voh yeh
ke lafz da'vaa jab akela aaye to aap ise long vowel se bhi barat sakte
haiN aur short vowel se bhi. magar jab ise izaafat meiN laayeN, jaise
aap laaye haiN, tab sirf short vowel jaa'iz hai. In my opinion, the
use of this tarkeeb here is rather improper and definitely requires
some re-thinking.
> > 15.
> > haaN, banda-e- naa-ahl se maiN KHoob hooN vaaqif
> > "naadaaN" to taKHallus hi naheeN, KHud bhi hai naadaan !
> >
> > maqtaa bhii Khuub hai! aap ne pahle misre meN 'haaN' ko tarjiih dii
> > hai, lekin mere Khayaal meN 'us' behtar hai. duusre misre meN ek
> > diqqat hai. iske ek tukRe meN aap kaa taKhallus faa'il hai, aur ek meN
> > aap Khud! is se misraa kuchh bejoR saa ho gayaa hai. merii raaey meN
> > aap ise yuuN kaheN to behtar hai:
> >
> > "naadaaN" hai taKhallus kii tarah vaaqa'ii naadaan
> >
> or perhaps:
> "naadaaN" to taKHallus ki tarah KHud bhi hai naadaan
> maybe ... ?? Will give this some thought as well..
In the first misra I also prefer 'us' to 'haaN', but on the second
misra I have no clear-cut opinion.
I am sorry, Rajiv Saahib, that I could not suggest alternatives at
most places where I pointed out what I thought to be deficiencies. But
I still hope that these comments will be of some value to you in this
as well as in your subsequent compositions.
Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar
Rajiv Chakravarti
> rc...@yahoo.com (Rajiv Chakravarti) wrote in message news:<8531ef37.01100...@posting.google.com>...
>
> Rajiv Saahib:
>
> aap ne ab tak mera pehla Khat paRh hi liyaa hoga. ab agar ijaazat ho
> to maiN aap ki Ghazal ke kuchh ash'aar par apni raaye arz karooN.
> jaisa ke maiN pehle hi keh chuka hooN, maiN she'r # 1, 3, 5 aur 6 par
> mazeed kuchh naheeN kahooN ga
> kiyooN-ke mere nazdeek yoorish-e-armaan, Khaana-e-eemaan, vaGhaira
> vaGhaira durust taraakeeb naheeN haiN.
RK-sahib,
Thank you for taking the time to reply..
I am going to be having a detailed discussion on the very topic
you mention above. Hopefully, that will be an enlightening
experience for me (and others?)
Thanks for your kind words on the couplets that you liked.
Small words go a long way in way of encouragment...
Now, brief comments on a few points...
>
> haiN baargah-e-ishq meiN sab log baraabar
>
> mere Khayaal meiN, yahaaN par lafz naa-KhwaaNda se par_hez hi kiyaa
> jaaye to behtar hoga.
The word in question "naa_Khwaanda" has been eliminated due to
the various points noted by ALUPers... I use be-zar to group
with "muflis" -- the point now simply indicates "poor vs. rich"
>
> > > 8.
> > > DHaaye hai nayaa tarz-e-sitam aaj sitamgar
> > > 'GHairoN se shanaasaa' hai voh, apnoN se hai anjaan
> How about this instead?
>
> Dhaaye hai nayee jaur-o-sitam aaj sitamgar
> GhairoN se 'shanaasaaii' hai, apnoN se hai anjaan
>
> aap note keejiye ga ke lafz 'shanaasaaii' ke iste'maal meiN kuchh
> sharaarat ka maadda bhi hai --- jo ke lafz 'shanaasaa' meiN naheeN
> hai!
I am not sure the 2nd line is any better, if not worse per
your suggestion.. IMO, the subjects in the line would be
"uski" and "voh" now.. (as opposed to "voh" throughout). Hence, I'll
respectfully decline this version.
> > > 10.
> > > dil sail-e-havaadis meiN bahe jaata hai aksar
> > > barbaad kiye deta hai is darja yeh toofaan
> > >
>
> 'bahe jaata hai' aur 'kiye deta hai' seeGha-e-haal ki soorateN haiN;
> in ke saath 'aksar' ka iste'maal Theek naheeN lag rahaa. 'aksar' ka
> iste'maal to tab ho agar aap kaheN 'beh jaata ha', 'kar deta hai',
> etc.
Once again, I feel the tense is NOT a simple PRESENT TENSE
but rather PRESENT CONTINUOUS because of the construction. IMO,
in this tense, "aksar" is a valid word and can be retained.
>
> aap ne Ravindra Saahib ke Khat ke javaab meiN kahaa hai ke aap 'ai
> dost' ki tarkeeb iste'maal karne se jhijakte haiN. yaqeenan yeh aap ka
> zaati Khayaal hai, varna yeh tarkeeb hai baRi kaar-aamad! aap ne meri
> jis Ghazal par apni is Ghazal ki asaas rakkhi hai, us ke to matle hi
> meiN yeh tarkeeb iste'maal ki gayee hai aur aap ne Khud use bahut
> pasaNd farmaaya tha. Ultimately, it all depends on the context. Here
> is another example from a more recent Ghazal of mine:
>
> vuhi taptaa hua maahaul, vuhi gard-o-Ghubaar
> ab ke, ai dost, tira shaihr bhi saihraa niklaa!
>
> dekhiye, yahaaN par yeh phrase kis (teekhe) aNdaaz se iste'maal hui
> hai!
In general I still do not like to use words like "yaaro", "ai dost"
etc. In your example however, there is a DIRECT addressing of the
"mehbooba", and in this case "ai dost" fits. When used as
fillers however, I somehow do not like it.. As you said, it is
my preference.
> > > 14.
> > > da'avaa-e- suKHan-daanee naheeN mujh ko, valekin
> > > likhtaa hooN sabab GHam ka to ban jaata hai deevaan
> yahaaN par dono 'versions' meiN aek bhaari samassayaa hai --- voh yeh
> ke lafz da'vaa jab akela aaye to aap ise long vowel se bhi barat sakte
> haiN aur short vowel se bhi. magar jab ise izaafat meiN laayeN, jaise
> aap laaye haiN, tab sirf short vowel jaa'iz hai. In my opinion, the
> use of this tarkeeb here is rather improper and definitely requires
> some re-thinking.
I respectfully disagree that the izaafat only uses the "short-vowel"
sound for "daa'vaa." Please re-check at your leisure.
> I am sorry, Rajiv Saahib, that I could not suggest alternatives at
> most places where I pointed out what I thought to be deficiencies. But
> I still hope that these comments will be of some value to you in this
> as well as in your subsequent compositions.
>
> Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar
No need to "apologise." I thank you for your time regardless. As I said
earlier, there will be an exchange of opinions with a few people I know
here locally regarding the "noon-GHunna taraakeeb" issue.. I look forward
to that with anticipation of learning ! :-)!
With regards
Rajiv
Masud Reza
> >
> ab aap ijaazat deN to kuchh savaalaat haiN. dar-asl Raj Kumar Sb kii
> is zameen meN aisii dilkashii hai ki is Ghazal ko ek baar paRh kar
> bhuul jaanaa muhaal hai. mere savaalaat aur taassuraat ko tanqiid
Hehehe....
Mohtaram... yay wo zameenain nahin jo doosray apnay naam likh sakain
:-)).
Is zameen main Asaatiza kee kuch ghazlain dastayaab hain ... mera
matlab jo takreeban dayrhh sau baras say dastayaab hain.
Khak Nashin
Mas'ud
Raj Kumar
>
>
> Thank you for taking the time to reply..
>
> I am going to be having a detailed discussion on the very topic
> you mention above. Hopefully, that will be an enlightening
> experience for me (and others?)
Please do --- and keep me posted on the outcome. If not on ALUP, then
at least by direct e-mail!
> > haiN baargah-e-ishq meiN sab log baraabar
> >
> > mere Khayaal meiN, yahaaN par lafz naa-KhwaaNda se par_hez hi kiyaa
> > jaaye to behtar hoga.
>
>
> The word in question "naa_Khwaanda" has been eliminated due to
> the various points noted by ALUPers... I use be-zar to group
> with "muflis" -- the point now simply indicates "poor vs. rich"
I hope you have done something about the word 'kyaa' as well --- the
one that appears before the word 'sultaan' --- because this baihr
cannot accommodate it.
> > > > 14.
> > > > da'avaa-e- suKHan-daanee naheeN mujh ko, valekin
> > > > likhtaa hooN sabab GHam ka to ban jaata hai deevaan
>
> > yahaaN par dono 'versions' meiN aek bhaari samassayaa hai --- voh yeh
> > ke lafz da'vaa jab akela aaye to aap ise long vowel se bhi barat sakte
> > haiN aur short vowel se bhi. magar jab ise izaafat meiN laayeN, jaise
> > aap laaye haiN, tab sirf short vowel jaa'iz hai. In my opinion, the
> > use of this tarkeeb here is rather improper and definitely requires
> > some re-thinking.
>
> I respectfully disagree that the izaafat only uses the "short-vowel"
> sound for "daa'vaa." Please re-check at your leisure.
Rajiv Saahib, you have every right to disagree with me, but I am sure
that this 'tarkeeb' of yours is not right. I did indeed take your cue
and checked this matter "at leisure" but, alas, I did not find a
single evidence in favour of your construction [whereas I found dozens
and dozens in favour of what I said].
baat yeh hai ke jab koi lafz harf 'he' par Khatm ho rahaa ho aur us
'he' se pehle aek 'vowel sound' aa rahi ho to, izaafat lagaane par, us
'vowel sound' ka 'short' hona laazim hai. maiN ne is usool ki bahut si
misaaleN dekhi haiN magar yaqeen jaaniye ke aek bhi misaal aisi naheeN
dekhi jo is usool ka ulaNghan kar rahi ho!
For instance, here is Ghaalib saying
boo-e-gul, "naala-e-dil", dood-e-chiraaGh-e-mehfil
"sho'la-e-ishq" siyah-posh huaa mere ba'ad
sivaaye "baada-e-gulfaam-o-mushk-boo" kyaa hai?
"baazeecha-e-atfaal" hai duniyaa mire aage
"GhuNcha-e-naa-shigufta" ko door se mat dikhaa ke yooN
"qatra-e-mai" bas-ke hairat se nafas-parvar huaa
"sar-gashta-e-Khumaar-e-rusoom-o-quyood" thaa
[Zafar Saahib "rusoom" aur "quyood" ke saheeh talaffuz par dhyaan deN]
:-))
goyaa jabeeN pe "sijda-e-but" ka nishaaN naheeN
"jaada-e-raah-e-vafaa" juz dam-e-shamsheer naheeN,
and so on.
Rajiv Saahib, maiN ne hazaar koshish ki magar kaheeN bhi aisi misaal
naheeN mili jahaaN "-e-" se pehle 'long vowel' ka iste'maal hua ho. ab
mere paas aise 'references' to naheeN haiN ke is usool ko 'quote' kar
sakooN. magar aap chaaheN to mazeed tafteesh kar leN --- ho sakta hai
kaheeN par aisi misaal mil jaaye jaisi ke aap ne baaNdhi hai.
yooN-hi, haafize se, mazeed misaaleN pesh kar rahaa hooN:
"Khaana-e-dil" se zeenhaar na jaa [Meer]
"shikva-e-be-tavajjohi" ab to naheeN tujhe Firaaq?
voh to kab ka "kushta-e-nairaNg-e-dauraaN" ho gayaa [Seemaab]
phir vuhi "silsila-e-zulf-e-pareeshaaN" dekhaa [Aabid]
mausim-e-dilkash, sehn-e-gulistaaN, saaqi-e-gul-roo, "baada-e-raNgeeN"
[Shaad]
goya, bahut si misaaleN maujood haiN jahaaN par "-e-" se pehle 'short
vowel' barta gayaa hai magar aek bhi misaal aisi naheeN mili jahaaN
'long vowel' barta gayaa ho.
Now, I'll serenely suggest to you that you kindly look at this matter
"at leisure" and do something to save this (otherwise beautiful) she'r
of yours.
> No need to "apologise." I thank you for your time regardless. As I said
> earlier, there will be an exchange of opinions with a few people I know
> here locally regarding the "noon-GHunna taraakeeb" issue.. I look forward
> to that with anticipation of learning ! :-)!
And, as I said earlier, please do keep me posted!
Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar
Aslam Sahbaa
> jaan --- rag-e-jaaN, not rag-e-jaan,
> jahaan --- Gham-e-jahaaN, not Gham-e-jahaan,
> zameen --- kurra-e-zameeN, not kurra-e-zameen,
> raNgeen --- gul-e-raNgeeN, not gul-e-raNgeen,
> junoon --- josh-e-junooN, not josh-e-junoon,
> sukoon --- jaa-e-sukooN, not jaa-e-sukoon,
> vaGhaira, vaGhaira.
________________________________________________________________________________
Mohtaram Raj Saahab,
aadaab,
aaj kaafii 'arsa ke ba'd idhar se guzar huaa. kaise mizaaj haiN aapke?
aapkii baat se maiN mutaafiq huuN magar ek baat zehn meN aaii, socha
puuchhtaa chaluuN:
ham 'aam taur par aksar_o_beshtar "ahl-e-iimaan" ya
"saakinaan-e-makaan" ya phir "niim hakiim - khatra-e-iimaan" vaGhaira
bolte chale aa rahe haiN. aisaa kyuN? kyaa aap is zimn meN kuchh
raushnii Daal sakeNge? 'ain navaazish hogii.
faqat khaak_saar,
Aslam "Sahbaa"
Rajiv Chakravarti
> Rajiv Saahib, you have every right to disagree with me, but I am sure
> that this 'tarkeeb' of yours is not right. I did indeed take your cue
> and checked this matter "at leisure" but, alas, I did not find a
> single evidence in favour of your construction [whereas I found dozens
> and dozens in favour of what I said].
>
mohtaram Raj-kumar saahib,
aadaab'arz hai. Thank you so much for taking my "cue", as you put it
(LOL) and quoting me the various constructs used by the poets.
As you suggested, I too have been researching the matter myself simply
as a fantastic chance to learn and gain some knowledge. Though my
resources are limited due to the small amount of material in my
possession and in the sparse presence of knowledgeable folk in my
circle of acquaintances, I do try with a lot of sincerity to
gain accurate information in any of my endeavours...
Please see below for my comments on the very matter...
> baat yeh hai ke jab koi lafz harf 'he' par Khatm ho rahaa ho aur us
> 'he' se pehle aek 'vowel sound' aa rahi ho to, izaafat lagaane par, us
> 'vowel sound' ka 'short' hona laazim hai. maiN ne is usool ki bahut si
> misaaleN dekhi haiN magar yaqeen jaaniye ke aek bhi misaal aisi naheeN
> dekhi jo is usool ka ulaNghan kar rahi ho!
>
> (snip)
> goya, bahut si misaaleN maujood haiN jahaaN par "-e-" se pehle 'short
> vowel' barta gayaa hai magar aek bhi misaal aisi naheeN mili jahaaN
> 'long vowel' barta gayaa ho.
>
> Now, I'll serenely suggest to you that you kindly look at this matter
> "at leisure" and do something to save this (otherwise beautiful) she'r
> of yours.
Thanks for that "serene" (interesting choice of word though)
suggestion.
I took you up on that myself...
Anyway, turning back to the "word" in question: da'aava and its
usage in izaaafat...
In your examples, you have unfortunately not shown me the usage of
"daa'vaa" with izaafat, but certainly taken the time to show me
several other words.... To recap your examples:
"naala-e-dil", "sho'la-e-ishq" , "baada-e-gulfaam-o-mushk-boo" ,
"GhuNcha-e-naa-shigufta" , "qatra-e-mai" ,
"sar-gashta-e-Khumaar-e-rusoom-o-quyood" ,
"sijda-e-but" , "Khaana-e-dil" , "shikva-e-be-tavajjohi" ,
"kushta-e-nairaNg-e-dauraaN" , "silsila-e-zulf-e-pareeshaaN"
,"baada-e-raNgeeN"
(I think that is all of them.. )
As you admit yourself, the above examples are for words that end
in "hay" (or "he" as you put it). I have absolutely NO problem
with any of the examples you mention and completely agree with the
constructs you present with the "short" vowel sound they use in
compound form... I will also concede to the fact that
words ending in two of the 3 versions of "hay" (the "hook" form
and the "circle" form, for lack of knowledge on names for these
forms) AND words ending in "ain" would follow similar constructs
with short vowel sounds just like your examples aove.
HOWEVER, I fail to see the relevance of these examples to the word in
question "da'avaa".... As you well know, the word in Urdu does NOT
end with a "hay"... ( daal + 'ain + vow + chhoTi ye with an "alif"
hanging above it:-)! --- similiar to how "Laila" would be written)
Noting and accepting that fact, one needs to then consider OTHER
avenues and examples to understand the rules of "izaafat" for such
words.... We know that "alif" ending words (ex: aashnaa, binaa
(foundation)
qabaa etc.) and "vow" ending words (koo, justjoo, etc.)
RETAIN the "LONG" vowel sound EVEN in izaafat...
- baDi mushkil se duniyaa "aashnaa-e-raaz" hotaa hai
- jo "koo-e-yaar" se nikle to "soo-e-daar" chale
and the list goes on..
So really, I too can quote several examples where constructs retain
the
LONG vowel sound.. But that would be digressing from the point of
this discussion...
===========
I have specifically found through a friend of mine (who you might have
heard from by now, possibly), an example of how "da'avaa" has been
used
in "izaafat"...
To provide you and other ALUPers with information validating the
source,
the example provide below is by the late poet "Abul Faazil Mohammad
Saadiq
'Raaz' Chaandpuri" who went by "Raaz" Chaandpuri in poetic circles.
A brief background on "Raaz" Chaandpuri -saahib .. He resided in
AligarH and Jabalpur in India and was the "shaagird" of the
famed "Seemaab Akbaraabadi" for a long period of time. He was very
well
known in his time and was known for his "technical correctness" by
scholars of the period.
Another interesting fact for ALUPers... There was a recent post on
ALUP
about the popular dictionary "Aa'ina-e-GHazal" being available on-line
now.. It turns out that the primary author of that wonderful source of
literature was the late "Dr. Zarina Sani" of Nagpur.. Dr. Zarina-Sani,
during the course of her education at the Nagpur Muslim University
wrote several papers and theses about the very same "Raaz" Chaandpuri
I am talking about.. (BTW, her PHd. Dissertation was about
Seemaab in 1969, for sake of semi-completeness and was awarded several
honors and awards by Urdu academies around the country for her work.
For interested parties, Raaz Chaandpuri is quoted several times in
the dictionary as well)..
I guess the point I am trying to make is that the source of my quote
is not just another "so-called" poet, but a well researched and
well-regarded poet....
Without further ado, the example, which is a "rubaa'ee" :
========================================
daa'vaa-e-suKHanwaree naheeN hai mujh ko
beemaar'i'e- KHudsaree naheeN hai mujh ko
kehtaa hooN GHazal ba-muqtazaa-e-fitrat
saudaa-e-payambaree naheeN hai mujh ko
=========================================
( A small disclaimer:
I ran across this example AFTER my attempt and so was
unaware of the similarity of verbage to my own she'r. )
However, the she'r seems to be so "appropriate" for this
current discussion... (LOL, LOL!)
As can be clearly seen, the "LONG" vowel sound for da'avaa
has been retained. As far as I am concerned, I am satisfied
with this precedent and consider the matter closed. Please
feel free to further research the matter if you still have
doubts about it.
I hope I have at least "defended" my stance to some degree
and come across as a person who does at least "try" to
learn from rational discussions...
>
> > No need to "apologise." I thank you for your time regardless. As I said
> > earlier, there will be an exchange of opinions with a few people I know
> > here locally regarding the "noon-GHunna taraakeeb" issue.. I look forward
> > to that with anticipation of learning ! :-)!
>
> And, as I said earlier, please do keep me posted!
The "jury" is still out on the issue... If you'd care to, please
send me your email address (mine is: rc...@yahoo.com) and I'll try
and let you know what I run across..
For now, I've eliminated all "izaafat" usages of the "qavaafi"
words in my GHazal, which is the only right thing to do at this time.
I hope that my ramblings above have made my point clear.
With sincere regards,
Rajiv
Raj Kumar
> > jaan --- rag-e-jaaN, not rag-e-jaan,
> > jahaan --- Gham-e-jahaaN, not Gham-e-jahaan,
> > zameen --- kurra-e-zameeN, not kurra-e-zameen,
> > raNgeen --- gul-e-raNgeeN, not gul-e-raNgeen,
> > junoon --- josh-e-junooN, not josh-e-junoon,
> > sukoon --- jaa-e-sukooN, not jaa-e-sukoon,
> > vaGhaira, vaGhaira.
> ________________________________________________________________________________
>
> puuchhtaa chaluuN:
>
> ham 'aam taur par aksar_o_beshtar "ahl-e-iimaan" ya
> "saakinaan-e-makaan" ya phir "niim hakiim - khatra-e-iimaan" vaGhaira
> bolte chale aa rahe haiN. aisaa kyuN? kyaa aap is zimn meN kuchh
> raushnii Daal sakeNge? 'ain navaazish hogii.
"Saihbaa(!)" Saahib:
aap ne jo savaal poochhaa hai, us ke javaab meiN yihi keh sakta hooN
ke
"roz-marra ki bol-chaal" apni jagah hai aur "adabi suKhan-aafareeni"
apni jagah. log aisi taraakeeb aaye din barat_te haiN to barat_te
raheN, magar jab aap suKhan-goii karte haiN to zabaan ko iste'maal
karne ke usool shadeed se shadeed-tar ho jaate haiN.
ham bol-chaal meiN bhale hi "aihl-e-eemaan" keh leN, magar jab yeh
tarkeeb kisi Ghazal yaa nazm meiN aaye gi to ise "aihl-e-eemaaN" hi
kaheN ge. jaise yeh
maze-daar she'r dekhiye:
"saahib-e-eemaaN the ham, sau tarah se deeN-daar the
ka'aba-e-dil meiN magar ik 'moorti' paaii gayee!!!"
ab aap laakh koshish kar leN magar aap ko esaatiza ke kalaam meiN
kaheeN par bhi "saahib-e-eemaan" naheeN mile ga. aur agar kaheeN mil
jaaye to hameN zaroor bataaiye ga!
Though it is somewhat out of context, but I'll like to quote another
example here.........
aap ne, roz-marra ki baat-cheet meiN, kayee martaba sunaa hoga ke
"saahib, mulk ke haalaat to din-ba-din bigaRte jaa rahe haiN". ab aap
hi bataaiye ke bhalaa "din-ba-din" meiN koi tuk hai? aisi tarkeeb
Faarsi ke alfaaz par to ravaa hai, magar Hindi ke shabdoN par ravaa
naheeN hai! goya, jahaaN "roz-ba-roz" saheeh hai, vahaaN "din-ba-din"
saheeh naheeN hai; hameN is ki bajaaye "aaye din" kehna chaahiye.
Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar
Raj Kumar
> I guess the point I am trying to make is that the source of my quote
> is not just another "so-called" poet, but a well researched and
> well-regarded poet....
>
> Without further ado, the example, which is a "rubaa'ee" :
> ========================================
>
> daa'vaa-e-suKHanwaree naheeN hai mujh ko
> beemaar'i'e- KHudsaree naheeN hai mujh ko
> kehtaa hooN GHazal ba-muqtazaa-e-fitrat
> saudaa-e-payambaree naheeN hai mujh ko
>
> =========================================
Rajiv Saahib:
SUPER! I withdraw my objection without any reservation and, at the
same time, express my admiration for the amount of effort that you
seem to have put into resolving this issue and for the friendly spirit
in which you took my criticism (which, by hindsight, was rather
unwarranted).
> ( A small disclaimer:
> I ran across this example AFTER my attempt and so was
> unaware of the similarity of verbage to my own she'r. )
>
> However, the she'r seems to be so "appropriate" for this
> current discussion... (LOL, LOL!)
Without question, the example is highly appropriate; one couldn't have
asked for anything better.
vaise, aap ko maNdarja-baalaa 'disclaimer' dene ki koi zaroorat naheeN
thi kiyooN-ke aap ne to "da'avaa-e-suKhan-daani" kahaa tha,
"------- suKhan-varii" thoRaa kahaa tha? LOL
> > > No need to "apologise." I thank you for your time regardless. As I said
> > > earlier, there will be an exchange of opinions with a few people I know
> > > here locally regarding the "noon-GHunna taraakeeb" issue.. I look forward
> > > to that with anticipation of learning ! :-)!
> >
> > And, as I said earlier, please do keep me posted!
>
> The "jury" is still out on the issue... If you'd care to, please
> send me your email address (mine is: rc...@yahoo.com) and I'll try
> and let you know what I run across..
I can be reached at rajkum...@hotmail.com
I'll be very glad to hear from you on your findings in this regard.
> For now, I've eliminated all "izaafat" usages of the "qavaafi"
> words in my GHazal, which is the only right thing to do at this time.
This must have been hurtful for the time being but, in the long run,
it might well seem to be the truly 'prudent' way to go. And in case we
happen to find 'javaaz' for those constructions, the ash'aar in
question can certainly be brought back with due pomp and show! LOL
Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar
Aslam Sahbaa
________________________________________________________________________________
> ab aap laakh koshish kar leN magar aap ko esaatiza ke kalaam meiN
> kaheeN par bhi "saahib-e-eemaan" naheeN mile ga. aur agar kaheeN mil
> jaaye to hameN zaroor bataaiye ga!
mohtaram Raj saahab,
aadaab,
maiN aapkii raaye se muttafiq to thaa hii magar aapke muraasale se
itminaan huaa. aap ne mujhe chuNki "mashq-e-khaana" [home work (?)]
diyaa hai to maiN thoRaa chaan_biin karuuNgaa magar kuchh haath aanaa
ba_qaul aapke hii naa_mumkin hai magar phir bhi is meN harj hii kyaa
hai. isii bahaane, kam_az_kam, achchhe ash'aar to nazar_guzaar ho
jaayeNge [bhaage bhuut kii laNgoTii hii kaafii hai,...lol]
faqat khaak_saar,
Aslam "Sahbaa"
Aslam Sahbaa
mohtaram raj Saahab,
aadaab,
ummiid hai ki mizaaj-e-giraamii ba_Khair hoNge.
kal aapse va'da kiyaa thaa ki maiN kuchh isaatizah ke kalaam kii
chhaan_biin karuuNgaa. kal kulliyaat-e-Iqbal ke chaNd panne ulTe_palTe
to do ash'aar aise mile jinkaa is guft_o_shuniid se ta'alluq hai:
aapke hukm ke ba_muujib, maiN vo ash'aar yahaaN raqm kar rahaa huuN
jis par aapkii aaraa kaa iNtezaar rahegaa. shukria:
1.
maqaam-e-bast_o_shikast_o_fishaar_o_soz_o_kashiid
miyaan-e-qatra-e-niisaan_o_aatish-e-'onabii
2.
fitrat kaa suruud-e-azalii, uske shab_o_roz
aahang meN yaktaa sifat-e-suura-e-Rahmaan
pahlaa she'r unkii nazm "irteq'qq~" se maaKHuuz hai jab ki duusra
she'r "mard-e-musalmaaN" se aKhaz_shudah hai. nazm-e-saani kaa
mashhuur she'r aapkii nazroN se yaqiinan guzraa hogaa:
har lahza hai momin kii naii shaan, naii aan
guftaar meN, kirdaar meN Allah kii burhaan
faqat Khaak_saar,
Aslam "Sahbaa"
Rajiv Chakravarti
aadab 'arz hai ... Thanks a lot for following the conversation
thread and for taking interest in further researching the matter
I am also looking into.. Your interest and zeal is commendable.
aslam_...@my-deja.com (Aslam Sahbaa) wrote in message >
> aapke hukm ke ba_muujib, maiN vo ash'aar yahaaN raqm kar rahaa huuN
> jis par aapkii aaraa kaa iNtezaar rahegaa. shukria:
>
> 1.
> maqaam-e-bast_o_shikast_o_fishaar_o_soz_o_kashiid
> miyaan-e-qatra-e-niisaan_o_aatish-e-'onabii
>
Aslam-saahib,
The 2nd line uses the words "miyaan" and "nisaan", but these
are in the START OR MIDDLE of the misra'... I think the
changing of "noon" to "noon GHunna" applies if these words
in izaafat are at the END of a compound word structure..
So I think the above example does not prove or disprove
the context of the question..
Ex: one of favorite she'rs (by GHalib)
saaqi ba-jalva dushman-e-eemaan-o-aagahi
mutrib ba-naGHma rehzan-e-tamkeen-o-hosh hai
Note: eemaan retains the full "n" sound as in your example above.
> 2.
> fitrat kaa suruud-e-azalii, uske shab_o_roz
> aahang meN yaktaa sifat-e-suura-e-Rahmaan
Now this is certainly interesting.. If indeed "Rahmaan" is
used as you say (and is not a typo), then it would be similar
to the way I had used "Suleimaan" myself... Both are
proper names, so I wonder if that has anything to do
with the deviation from the "noon-GHunna" requirement..?
RK-sahib, care to comment???
>
> pahlaa she'r unkii nazm "irteq'qq~" se maaKHuuz hai jab ki duusra
> she'r "mard-e-musalmaaN" se aKhaz_shudah hai. nazm-e-saani kaa
> mashhuur she'r aapkii nazroN se yaqiinan guzraa hogaa:
>
> har lahza hai momin kii naii shaan, naii aan
> guftaar meN, kirdaar meN Allah kii burhaan
>
> faqat Khaak_saar,
>
> Aslam "Sahbaa"
Thanks again for your interest and for taking time
to research the matter yourself..
With best regards,
Rajiv
Aslam Sahbaa
________________________________________________________________________________
> The 2nd line uses the words "miyaan" and "nisaan", but these
> are in the START OR MIDDLE of the misra'... I think the
> changing of "noon" to "noon GHunna" applies if these words
> in izaafat are at the END of a compound word structure..
> So I think the above example does not prove or disprove
> the context of the question..
janaab-e-Rajiv Saahab,
aadaab-e-adab,
ummiid hai ki mizaaj-e-giraamii ba_Khair hoNge.
aapkii Ghazal maiN ne hastah, 'ashrah qabl paRhii thii aur be_had
pasand aaii thii magar 'aaj_kal' kar, kar ke itnii taaKhiir huii.
vaise, ba_Khuda, koii aur vaj'h nahiiN thii. aapkaa bahot, bahot
shukria ki aapne hameN apnii is Khuub_suurat Ghazal se navaazaa.
Allah kare zore-e-qalam aur ziyaadah!
chuNki, mohtaram Raj Saahab ne yeh usuul-e-lisaaniyaat kaa zikr kiyaa
thaa jisse ham sab hii muttafiq haiN. baat aage baRhii to maiN ne
sochaa kyuN na chaNd ulTe_palTe jaayeN taa_ki agar koii aisii misaal
isaatizah ke kalaam meN mil jaaye to phir yeh hamaarii jaan_kaarii meN
izaafah kaa baa'is bane, jiskii ummiid baRii kam thii. Khair.
Iqbal kaa she'r agar yuN likheN to baat kuchh behtar vaaz'e ho:
maqaam-e-bast_o_shikast_o_fishaar_o_soz_o_kashiid
miyaan-e-qatra-e-niisaan O aatish-e-'onabii
yeh qusuur mere aNdaaz-e-tehriir kaa thaa. miyaan kaa lafz
'qatra-e-niisaan' AUR 'aatish-e-'onabii' ke liye iste'maal huaa hai.
biich meN jo "O" kii izaafat hai vo mere Khayaal se WA [ba_ma'nii:
aur] ke haiN. le_haazaa,
miyaan-e-"qatra-e-niisaan" O "aatish-e-'onabii"
kisii_had tak kaar_aamad misaal ho saktii hai.
agar mohtaram Raj Saahab apnii raaye se navaazeNge to mu'aamalah
shaayad kuchh hamaarii samajh meN bhii aa jaaye.
________________________________________________________________________________
> > 2.
> > fitrat kaa suruud-e-azalii, uske shab_o_roz
> > aahang meN yaktaa sifat-e-suura-e-Rahmaan
>
> Now this is certainly interesting.. If indeed "Rahmaan" is
> used as you say (and is not a typo), then it would be similar
> to the way I had used "Suleimaan" myself... Both are
> proper names, so I wonder if that has anything to do
> with the deviation from the "noon-GHunna" requirement..?
> RK-sahib, care to comment???
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
jaisa ki maiN ne apne muraasale ke iKhtitaam par 'arz kiyaa thaa ki
yeh she'r Allama Iqbal kii nazm "mard-e-musalmaaN" se maaKhuuz hai
jiskaa ek aur she'r bhii raqm kiyaa thaa:
> >
> > har lahza hai momin kii naii shaan, naii aan
> > guftaar meN, kirdaar meN Allah kii burhaan
chuNki, is nazm meN "aan", "burhaan" aur "Rehmaan" ke qawaafii barte
gaye haiN le_haazaa likhaavat kii Ghalatii qata'ii nahiiN hai.
jaisaa ki aapne farmaayaa ki agar mohtaram Raj Kumar, Mas'uud Reza,
Jamil Ahmad, Zafar Iqbal, Irfan Abid Saahabaan meN se koii is guththii
ko suljhaane kii zehmat gawaarah kareN to ai'n navaazish hogii.
ek Khuub_suurat Ghazal irsaal farmaane ke liye maiN teh-e-dil se
aapkaa mamnuun_o_mashkuur huuN.
faqat muKhlis,
Aslam "Sahbaa"
Raj Kumar
> > 1.
> > maqaam-e-bast_o_shikast_o_fishaar_o_soz_o_kashiid
> > miyaan-e-qatra-e-niisaan_o_aatish-e-'onabii
> >
>
> Aslam-saahib,
> The 2nd line uses the words "miyaan" and "nisaan", but these
> are in the START OR MIDDLE of the misra'... I think the
> changing of "noon" to "noon GHunna" applies if these words
> in izaafat are at the END of a compound word structure..
> So I think the above example does not prove or disprove
> the context of the question..
>
> Ex: one of favorite she'rs (by GHalib)
> saaqi ba-jalva dushman-e-eemaan-o-aagahi
> mutrib ba-naGHma rehzan-e-tamkeen-o-hosh hai
> Note: eemaan retains the full "n" sound as in your example above.
Rajiv Saahib:
maiN Saihbaa Saahib ke Khat ka javaab dene ki soch hi rahaa tha ke aap
ne 'paihl' kar li! :-))
ab mere liye kuchh kehne ko bachaa hi naheeN, kiyooN-ke maiN ain vuhi
baat kehne vaalaa tha jo ke aap ne keh di hai --- goya, yeh usool
tabhi laagoo hota hai jab ke mutazakkara lafz izaafat ke "aaKhir meiN"
aa rahaa ho!
> > 2.
> > fitrat kaa suruud-e-azalii, uske shab_o_roz
> > aahang meN yaktaa sifat-e-suura-e-Rahmaan
>
> Now this is certainly interesting.. If indeed "Rahmaan" is
> used as you say (and is not a typo), then it would be similar
> to the way I had used "Suleimaan" myself... Both are
> proper names, so I wonder if that has anything to do
> with the deviation from the "noon-GHunna" requirement..?
> RK-sahib, care to comment???
Once again, my comment is the same as yours, namely that a proper noun
is not subject to this restriction because, as a matter of rule, the
last 'noon' of such a word is generally indispensible! For instance, I
have read somewhere
"daaroo-e-Luqmaan" --- which, quite obviously, cannot be written as
"daaroo-e-LuqmaaN"!
In any case, since I too have been working on this puzzle, I did come
across an izaafat that is bound to arouse your interest; it is
"vus'at-e-kaunain"!!! This too cannot be written as "vus'at-e-kaunaiN"
--- because the word in question is being used as a plural and, as
such, its last 'noon' is again indispensible!
My goodness! --- aren't we learning something new every day? :-))
Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar
Sarwar Alam Raz
Is maHfil maiN Rajiv Chakravarti saaHeb kee darj-e-baala GHazal aur us
per muKHtalif ahl-e-fikr-o-nazar kee tanqeed aur aaraa meri nazar se
bhee guzree haiN. ChoNke is GHazal per KHaasee guftugoo ho chukee hai,
maiN is beHs maiN apnee raa'e kaa izaafa munaasib naheeN samajhta
hooN. Albatta maiN behs ke aik pehloo per izhaar-e-KHayaal kaa
KHwaahaaN hooN. Is ijmaal kee tafseel darj-e-zail hai :
Mazkoorah GHazal per aik aitiraaz yeh kiyaa gayaa hai ke misroN ke
aaKHir maiN "yoorish-e-armaan, KHaana-e-eemaan, saaHib-e-irfaan
waGHaira) taraakeeb maiN "noon" kaa ailaan jaa'iz naheeN hai, goyaa in
alfaaz ko "noon-e-GHunna" ke saath paRhnaa chaahiye (maslan:
yoorish-e-armaaN, KHaana-e-eemaaN, saaHib-e-irfaaN waGHairah). Is
aitraaz kee sanad maiN chand misaalaiN bhee paish kee gayee haiN. Is
soorat maiN "ailaan, anjaan, nuqsaan, waGHaira” qawaafee waale
ashaar in alfaaz ke GHair-ma'roof talaffuz kee wajh se ma'yoob aur
GHalat qaraar paate haiN.
Is aitraaz ke jawaab maiN Iqbaal kaa aik shair paish kiyaa gayaa hai
jo ba-zaahir mazkoorah qaa'ide kee nafee kartaa hai:
fitrat kaa saroad-e-azalee us ke shab-o-roaz
aahaNg maiN yaktaa sifat-e-sura-e-Rahmaan
Jawaaban yeh kahaa gayaa hai ke choNke Rahmaan ism-e-KHaas (proper
noun) hai is liye ba-zaahir mazkoorah qaa'ide kaa itlaaq us per naheeN
hotaa hai, goyaa ism-e-KHaas se muta’alliq aisee izaafat noon ke
ailaan ke sath hee saHeeH hai. Ab is ko kyaa kiyaa jaaye ke is taaweel
kee nafee maiN GHaalib kaa yeh shair ba-tor sanad paish kiyaa gayaa
hai jis maiN ism-e-KHaas (Sulaimaan) ke saath mazkoorah izaafat
ba-shamool-e-noon-e-GHunna istaimaal kee gayee hai, her-chand ke woh
misre ke aaKHir maiN waaqe' naheeN hui hai:
ek khail hai auraNg-e-SulaimaaN mere nazdeek
ek baat hai aijaaz-e-MaseeHaa mere aagey
Is nehaayat dil-chasp guftugoo maiN aage chal kar aisee izaafaat kaa
zikr bhee hai (maslan "vus’at-e-kaunain") jin maiN noon kaa
ailaan hai. Mubayyanah qaa'ide se is izaafat ke guraiz kaa imkaanee
sabab yeh bataayaa gayaa hai ke lafz "kaunain" jama' (plural) hai,
goya isee taraH ke doosare jama' alfaaz (maslan
“qiran-us-sa’dain”) ke saath izaafat-e-mazkoorah
noon ke ailaan ke saath jaa'iz hai.
Is saaree behs se muaamala sulajhne kee bajaa’e kuCH aur ulajh
gayaa hai aur yeh waazeh naheeN ho sakaa hai ke aaKHir kis soorat main
noon-e-GHunna kaa istaimaal jaa’iz hai aur kab naheeN.
Is mas'ale per America maiN muyassaar maHdood wasaa'il ke
paish-e-nazar usee qadar maHdood taHqeeq-o-tadabbur ke ba’d maiN
jis nateeje per pohNchaa hooN woh darj-e-zail hai:
(1) Urdu kee sarf-o-naHv (qawaa'id) apnee Haqeeqat maiN murawwajah aur
ma'roof muqaamee boaliyoN se maaKhooz hai. Chunaan-che Urdu kee kisi
mustanad kitaab-e-qawaa'ed (maslan "Urdu Sarf-o-NaHv: Molvee Abdul
Haq") maiN koee qaa'ida aisaa naheeN miltaa hai jo mazkoorah taraakeeb
maiN noon ke ailaan ko zair-e-nazar soorat maiN jaa'iz yaa naa-jaa'iz
qaraar de. Is liye yeh kehnaa ke mazkoorah izaafataiN Urdu qawaa'id ke
KHilaaf hain mutlaq taur per to saHeeH naheeN hai, albatta is kaa
jawaaz darj-e-zail taHreer kee roshnee maiN mazboot banaayaa jaa
saktaa hai.
(2) Urdu maiN Farsee aur Arbee ke alfaaz aur taraakeeb baRee ta'daad
maiN musta'mil haiN, aur Farsee to KHusoosan bohat aam hai. Urdu adab
main aisee tarakeeb aur izaafaat umooman apnee apnee zabaan ke
qawaa'id kee paaband haiN. JahaaN kaheeN aisee taraakeeb aur izaafaat
istaimaal kee gayee haiN jo Farsee aur Arbee alfaaz ke baahamee
ishtiraak se tashkeel hu’ee haiN to aise muqaamaat per ma'roof
qawaa'id se inHiraaf kiyaa gayaa hai.
(3) Is beHs maiN yeh yaad rakhnaa nehaayat zarooree hai ke Arbee maiN
noon-e-GHunna mafqood hai jabke Farsee maiN is kaa istaimaal aam hai.
YahaN Farsee se muraad woh classical aur sikka-band Farsee hai jis
maiN assatiza suKHan-sanj rahe haiN; woh jadeed Farsee muraad naheeN
hai jo aaj kal Iran maiN ma’roof-o-must’amil hai aur
dar-asl Farsee kee masKH-shuda soorat hai. Arbee maiN noon GHunna kaa
fuqdaan Quran-e-Majeed ke mutale' se zaahir ho jaataa hai aur Farsee
main is ke wujood ke suboot ke liye Sa'dee Sheeraazee kaa yeh shair
kaafee hai:
dost aaN baashad ke geerad dast-e-dost dar paraishaN-haali-o-dar
maaNdgee
Yeh baat bilkul zaahir hai ke zair-e-beHs taraakeeb kee sirf teen (3)
soorataiN mumkin haiN;
(a) woh jo sirf Arbee alfaaz se banaa'ee gayee hoaN:
fitrat kaa saroad-e-azalee us ke shab-o-roaz
aahaNg maiN yaktaa sifat-e-Sura'e Rahmaan (Iqbal)
woh saaHib-e-TuHfat-ul-Iraaqain
arbaab-e-nazar kaa qurrat-ul-ain (Iqbal)
thaa dh'yaan maiN uzr-e-La-YuHeetoon
jab seene maiN dam zaraa samaayaa (Momin)
(b) woh jo sirf Farsee alfaaz se banaa'ee gayee hoaN:
pkir gayee aaNkhoN ke aage us kee chashm-e-surmageeN
phir ga’eeN aankhaiN meri nargis kaa jhuknaa daikh kar (Momin)
Is qism kee aur misaalaiN is maHfil maiN bohat dee jaa chukeeN haiN.
(c) woh jo Farsee aur Arbee donoN ke alfaaz ke ishtiraak se banaa'ee
gayee hoaN:
naik-KHwaah aur KHoobi-e-daarain
bad-sagaal ab se KHwaar taa maHshar (Momin)
hai yaad ratb-o-yaabis-e-taqreer-e-naasiHaaN
kyaa boalaiN shikwa-e-safar-e-beHr-o-bar maiN hum (Momin)
ek khail hai auraNg-e-SulaimaN mere nazdeek
ek baat hai aijaaz-e-MaseeHaa mere aagey (Ghalib)
hai Ta’n se madH-e-shaam-e-hijraaN
main kaisee balaa ko Chairtaa hooN (Momin)
PaRhe hai murGH-e-gulistaan woh matla’-e-rangeeN
Ke sun ke bus jise rah jaa’e san se bulbul-e-Toos (Momin)
Pehle shair maiN “KHoobee” Farsee hai aur
“daarain” Arbee. Doosre shair main “taqreer”
Arbee hai aur “naasiHaaN” Arbee lafz “naasiH”
kee Farsee qaa’ide ke liHaaz se jama’ hai. Teesre shair
main “auraNg” Farsee hai aur SulaimaN Arbee lafz Sulaiman
kee mufarras shakl hai. Chauthe shair main “shaam” Farsee
hai aur “hijraaN” Arbee ke lafz “hijr” kee
mufarras shakl hai. Isee taraH paaNchwaiN shair main
“matla’” Arbee hai aur “rangeeN” Farsee.
Ab is tafseelee beHs se mazkoorah izaafatoN ke baare maiN chand
nataa'ij aKhaz kiye jaa sakte haiN:
(1) noon kaa ailaan un izaafaat maiN hoga jo sirf Arbee alfaaz se
murakkab hoaN
(2) jahaaN yeh izaafataiN mutlaq Farsee alfaaz se murakkab haiN,wahaaN
noon kaa ailaan naheeN ho ga aur noon-e-GHunna istaimaal kiyaa jaa'ega
(3) jahaaN aisi izaafaat Farsee aur Arbee doanoN alfaaz ke ishtiraak
se banaa’ee ga’ee hoaN, wahaan ooper kee doanoN soorataiN
mumkin haiN aur izaafat ki saHiH shakl kaa inhisaar umooman us ke
aaKHree lafz per ho gaa; maslan ooper (c) maiN shair # 1 ke Arbee lafz
“daarain” main noon kaa ailaan hai; shair # 2 ke mufarras
lafz “naasihaaN” aur # 4 ke mufarras lafz
“hijraaN” main naheeN hai; shair # 5 ke Farsee lafz
“surmageeN” main naheeN hai aur shair # 3 maiN Arbee lafz
“Sulaimaan” main noon-e-GHunna istaimaal kar ke is
qaa’ide se inHiraaf bartaa gayaa hai.
Ab baat yahaaN tak aagayee hai to yeh aur arz kartaa chalooN ke ba'z
auqaat "zaroorat-e-shairee" ke teHt GHair maroof aur naa-maanoos
alfaaz aur muHaaware qaabil-e-qubool hojaate haiN. Is mozoo’ per
phir kisee waqt beHs ho saktee hai. Fil Haal isee qadar kehnaa kaafee
hai ke Rajiv saaheb kee GHazal main Farsee aur Arbee doanoN qawaafee
ke istaimaal aur Urdu sarf-o-naHv maiN zair-e-nazar mas’ale per
kisee Hatamee qaa’ide ke fuqdaan ke paish-e-nazar mazkoorah
izaafatoN maiN noon ke ailaan ko saHeeH aur jaa’iz qaraar daina
zaroorat-e-shairee ke usool per munaasib maaloom hotaa hai, goyaa
aisee surat main is usool ko ooper ke teen (3) nataa’ij kee
chauthee karee samjhaa jaa saktaa hai.
Yaar zinda, soHbat baaqi!
Iraadat Kaish
Sarwar A. Raz “Sarwar”
Padmanabhan Srinagesh
After a long absence, I came back to ALUP and I was delighted to find your
very nice composition. It sent me scuttling off to my dictionary, and I had
a very pleasant interlude learning a lot of new words while enjoying your
very fine contribution..
I have an elementary question: I did not see the standard pattern of
kaafiya-radeef in your couplets. Is there a word for poems that are like
ghazals in all respects except for the use of radeef? Are these
compositions called ghazals any way? Just curious -- a rose by any name ...
Again, many thanks for sharing your poem.
Regards,
Nagesh
Rajiv Chakravarti
> Rajiv Sahib:
>
> After a long absence, I came back to ALUP and I was delighted to find your
> very nice composition. It sent me scuttling off to my dictionary, and I had
> a very pleasant interlude learning a lot of new words while enjoying your
> very fine contribution..
Nagesh-sahib,
vaNakkam :-), aadaab !
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my "attempt" and for
commenting on it. I am happy that it did provide you with enough incentive
to learn as well.
>
> I have an elementary question: I did not see the standard pattern of
> kaafiya-radeef in your couplets. Is there a word for poems that are like
> ghazals in all respects except for the use of radeef? Are these
> compositions called ghazals any way? Just curious -- a rose by any name ...
>
The standard GHazal, in the strictest sense, has the "qaafiya/radeef"
pattern. However, another form of the GHazal is the one WITHOUT the
radeef.. This is a less-prevelant but widely accepted form of the "GHazal"
and this form is called a "GHair-muraddaf" GHazal (literally: GHazal
without a radeef!) ..
Hope that helps.
With best regards,
Rajiv