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Ramayan kaa ek siin (scene)-Pandit Brij Narayan Chakbast (1882-1926)

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Naseer

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Jul 16, 2013, 6:52:41 PM7/16/13
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dostaan-i-giraamii, aadaab 3arz hai.

taqriib-an chhai saal pahle, janaab-i-Raj Kumar SaaHib mentioned in one of his posts this nazm by Pandit Brij Narayan Chakbast. I don't believe anyone has posted this nazm before and it most certainly needs to be posted.

Pandit Brij Narayan Chakbast was born in Faizabad into a Kashmiri family. He obtained his education in Lucknow and his LL.B from Canning college,Lucknow, affiliated to Allahabad University. He became a successful lawyer. He died at a young age of 44 in Rae Bareli and his final rites were carried out in Lucknow.

Chakbast was primarily a nazm poet, "subH-i-vatan" being a collection of his poetry. "kulliyaat-i-Chakbast" and "maqaalaat-i-Chakbast" were published around 1983 as part of the birth centenary of the poet.

Ramayan kaa ek siin

ruxat hu'aa vuh baap se, le kar xudaa kaa naam
raah-i-vafaa kii manzil-i-avval hu'ii tamaam
manzuur thaa jo maaN kii ziyaarat kaa intizaam
daaman se ashk poNchh kar, dil se kiyaa kalaam
izhaar-i-be-kasii se sitam ho gaa aur bhii
dekhaa hameN udaas to Gham ho gaa aur bhii

dil ko saNbhaaltaa hu'aa aaxir vuh nau-nihaal
xaamosh maaN ke paas gayaa suurat-i-xayaal
dekhaa to ek dar meN hai baithii vuh xastah-Haal
saktah saa ho gayaa hai, yih hai shiddat-i-malaal
tan meN lahuu kaa naam nahiiN, zard raNg hai
goyaa bashar nahiiN ko'ii tasviir-i-saNg hai

kyaa jaane kis xayaal meN vuh gum thii be-gunaah
nuur-i-nazar pih diidah-i-Hasrat se kii nigaah
junbish hu'ii laboN ko, bharii ek sard aah
lii goshah-haa-i-chashm se ashkoN ne rux kii raah
chihre kaa raNg Haalat-i-dil kholne lagaa
har muu-i-tan, zabaaN kii taraH bolne lagaa

ro kar kahaa xamosh khaRe kyoN ho merii jaaN
maiN jaantii huuN jis ke liye aa'e ho tum yahaaN
sab kii xushii yahii hai tuu SaHraa ko ho ravaaN
lekin maiN apne muNh se nah hargiz kahuuN gii haaN
kis taraH ban meN aaNkhoN ke taare ko bhej duuN
jogii banaa ke raaj-dulaare ko bhej duuN

letii kisii faqiir ke ghar meN agar janam
hote nah merii jaan ko saamaan yih ba-ham
Dastaa nah saaNp ban ke mujhe shaukat-o-Hasham
tum mere laal the mujhe kis saltanat se kam
maiN xush huuN phuuNk de ko'ii is taxt-o-taaj ko
tum hii nahiiN to aag lagaa'uuN gii raaj ko

sar-zad hu'e the mujh se xudaa jaane kyaa gunaah
maNjdhaar meN jo yuuN mirii kashtii hu'ii tabaah
aatii nazar nahiiN ko'ii amn-o-amaaN kii raah
ab yaaN se kuuch ho to 3adam meN mile panaah
taqsiir merii xaaliq-i-3aalam ba-Hal(?) kare
aasaan mujh Ghariib kii mushkil ajal kare

sun kar zabaaN se maaN kii yih faryaad-i-dard-xez
is xastah-jaaN ke dil pih chalii Gham kii teGh tez
3aalam yih thaa qariib kih aaNkheN hoN ashk-rez
lekin hazaar zabt se rone se kii gurez
sochaa yahii kih jaan se be-kas guzar nah jaa'e
naa-shaad ham ko dekh ke maaN aur mar nah jaa'e

phir 3arz kii yih maadar-i-naa-shaad ke Huzuur
maayuus kyoN haiN aap alam kaa hai yih vufuur
sadmah yih shaaq 3aalam-i-piirii meN hai zaruur
lekin nah dil se kiijiye sabr-o-qaraar duur
shaayad xizaaN se shakl 3ayaaN ho bahaar kii
kuchh masliHat isii meN ho parvardigaar kii

paRtaa hai jis Ghariib pih ranj-o-miHan kaa baar
kartaa hai us ko sabr 3ataa aap kird-gaar
maayuus ho ke hote haiN insaaN gunaah-gaar
yih jaante nahiiN vuh daanaa-i-roz-gaar
insaan us kii raah meN saabit-qadam rahe
gardan vahii hai amr-i-rizaa meN jo xam rahe

aksar riyaaz karte haiN phuuloN pih baaGh-baaN
hai din kii dhuup raat kii shabnam unheN garaaN
lekin jo raNg baaGh badaltaa hai naa-gahaaN
vuh gul hazaar pardoN meN jaate haiN raa'egaaN
rakhte haiN jo 3aziiz unheN apnii jaaN kii taraH
milte haiN dast-i-yaas vuh barg-i-xizaaN kii taraH

lekin jo phuul khilte haiN saHraa meN be-shumaar
mauquuf kuchh riyaaz pih un kii nahiiN bahaar
dekho yih qudrat-i-chaman-aaraa-i-roz-gaar
vuh abr-o-baad-o-barf meN rahte haiN barqaraar
hotaa hai un pih fazl jo rabb-i-kariim kaa
mauj-i-sumuum bantii hai jhoNkaa nasiim kaa

apnii nigaah hai karam-i-kaar-saaz par
saHraa chaman bane gaa vuh hai mihrbaaN agar
jaNgal ho yaa pahaaR safar ho kih ho Hazar
rahtaa nahiiN vuh Haal se bande ke be-xabar
us kaa karam shariik agar hai to Gham nahiiN
daamaan-i-dasht, daaman-i-maadar se kam nahiiN

Brij Narayan Chakbast

............................

Naseer






Raj Kumar

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Jul 20, 2013, 8:51:56 PM7/20/13
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---------------------------------

***janaab-e-Naseer saahib:

bahut bahut shukriya k aap ne hameN is bhuulii-bisrii nazm se az-sar-e-nau ruu-shinaas kiyaa. ab chhe baras pehle maiN ne is nazm ke baare meiN kyaa kahaa thaa, yeh to mujhe yaad naheeN, albatta jo sehr-aNgezii is nazm meiN tab thii, voh ab bhii hai!

yahaaN, ‘tab’ se muraad hai 1946-1948 ka zamaana jab-k maiN matriculation ka taalib-e-ilm thaa aur yeh nazm maiN ne janaab- Haafiz Mehmood Sheraanii (jin ke beTe AKhtar Sheeraanii, aage chal kar, aek mash_hoor ruumaanii shaa’ir ki ruu se jaane gaye) ki murattaba kitaab “sarmaaya-e-adab” meiN paRhii thii. aur ‘ab’ se muraad hai yeh zamaana jab-k, ba-qaul-e-Kabiir,

“seeNg hileN aur khur ghiseN, kaNdhaa bojh na le
aise buDDhe bail ko kaun baaNdh bhus de”??? ☹

ba-har-haal, Khaaksar par yeh vaazeh naheeN ho rahaa k aap ne yeh laa-faanii nazm kahaaN se haasil kii hai. albatta, be-had Khushii ka maqaam hai k aap ne yahaaN is nazm ke kuchh aise baNd muhaaiya kiye haiN jo Khaaksaar ke liye naye haiN. hama-vaqt, is nazm ke kuchh baNd aise bhi haiN jo Khaaksaar ko az-bar yaad haiN, albatta aap ki marquuma nazm meiN maujood naheeN haiN! ;)

maslan, aap ke baNd #3 ke aas paas kaheeN yeh sutoor bhi honi chaahieN:

aaKhir aseer-e-yaas kaa qufl-e-dahan khulaa
afsaana-e-shadaa’id-e-raNj-o-mihan khulaa
ik daftar-e-mazaalim-e-charKh-e-kuhan khulaa
vaa thaa dahaan-e-zaKhm k baab-e-suKhan khulaa

aur baNd #4-6 ke beech kaheeN yeh sutoor bhi honi chaahieN:

dunyaa ka ho gayaa hai yeh kaisaa luhoo saped
aNdhaa kiye huye hai zar-o-maal ki umed
socheN agar to jism ho larzaaN misaal-e-bed
------------------ khultaa nahiiN yeh bhed

aur aap ke baNd # 8-12 ke beech kaheeN yeh sutoor bhi honi chaahieN:

ban-baas jaane par agar raazii na hooN ga maiN
kis tar’h muNh dikhaane ke qaabil rahooN ga maiN?
kiyooN-kar zabaan-e-Ghair ke ta’ane sahooN ga maiN?
dunyaa jo yeh kahe gi to phir kyaa kahooN ga maiN?
laRke ne be-hayaa’ii ko naqsh-e-jabeeN kiyaa
kyaa be-adab tha, baap ka kehnaa naheeN kiyaa!

aaraam ziNdagii ke dikhaataa hai sabz baaGh
lekin bahaar-e-aish kaa mujh ko nahiiN dimaaGh
kehte haiN jis ko dharm voh dunyaa ka hai chiraaGh
haT jaaooN is ravish se to kul meiN lage ga daaGh
be-aabroo yeh vansh na ho, yeh haraas hai
jis god meiN palaa hooN, mujhe us ka paas hai!

aur yaheeN kaheeN aek aur baNd bhi hai jis ka fil-haal mujhe sirf aek hi misr’a yaad aa rahaa hai jo k nihaayat ma’ani-Khez hai:

hote haiN baat karne meiN ‘chaudah baras’ tamaam!

ummeed hai k aap, yaa deegar ALUPer hazraat, in KhaamiyoN ko puuraa kar sakeN ge!

Khair-aNdesh,
Raj Kumar

P.S. huzoor, agar aap buraa na maaneN to arz karooN k aap ki marquuma nazm meiN kaheeN kaheeN kuchh chhoTi-moTi laGhzisheN ho gayee haiN, jin ka zikr maiN apni agli ‘post’ meiN karooN ga. isi tarah, meri haaliya tehreer meiN bhi ka’ii laGhzisheN hu’ii hoN gi; agar aap ki nazar un par paRe to, ba-raah-e-karam, mujhe zaroor muttel’a keejiye gaa! R.K.***

Naseer

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Jul 21, 2013, 12:25:50 AM7/21/13
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janaab-i-Raj Kumar SaaHib.

yih nazm mujhe ek Urdu nisaabii kitaab se milii hai. mujhe shak thaa kih yih mukammal nahiiN hai. achchaa hu'aa kih aap ne is kii tasdiiq kar dii. rahii baat laGhzishoN kii, vuh yaqiin-an mujh se sar-zad hu'ii hoN gii. ummiid hai kih aap un kii tasHiiH farmaa'eN ge.

to liijiye ab bataa'iye kih yih puurii nazm hai yaa nahiiN?

Ramayan kaa ek siin

ruxat hu'aa vuh baap se, le kar xudaa kaa naam
raah-i-vafaa kii manzil-i-avval hu'ii tamaam
manzuur thaa jo maaN kii ziyaarat kaa intizaam
daaman se ashk poNchh kar, dil se kiyaa kalaam
izhaar-i-be-kasii se sitam ho gaa aur bhii
dekhaa hameN udaas to Gham ho gaa aur bhii

dil ko saNbhaaltaa hu'aa aaxir vuh nau-nihaal
xaamosh maaN ke paas gayaa suurat-i-xayaal
dekhaa to ek dar meN hai baithii vuh xastah-Haal
saktah saa ho gayaa hai, yih hai shiddat-i-malaal
tan meN lahuu kaa naam nahiiN, zard raNg hai
goyaa bashar nahiiN ko'ii tasviir-i-saNg hai

kyaa jaane kis xayaal meN vuh gum thii be-gunaah
nuur-i-nazar pih diidah-i-Hasrat se kii nigaah
junbish hu'ii laboN ko, bharii ek sard aah
lii goshah-haa-i-chashm se ashkoN ne rux kii raah
chihre kaa raNg Haalat-i-dil kholne lagaa
har muu-i-tan, zabaaN kii taraH bolne lagaa

aaxir asiir-i-yaas kaa qufl-i-dahan khulaa
afsaanah shadaayed-i-ranj-o-miHan khulaa
ik daftar-i-mazaalim-i-charx-i-kuhan khulaa
vaa thaa dahaan-i-zaxm kih baab-i-suxan khulaa
dard-i-dil-i-Ghariib jo sarf-e-bayaaN hu'aa
xuun-i-jigar ka raNg suxan se 3ayaaN hu'aa

ro kar kahaa xamosh khaRe kyoN ho merii jaaN
maiN jaantii huuN jis ke liye aa'e ho tum yahaaN
sab kii xushii yahii hai tuu SaHraa ko ho ravaaN
lekin maiN apne muNh se nah hargiz kahuuN gii haaN
kis taraH ban meN aaNkhoN ke taare ko bhej duuN
jogii banaa ke raaj-dulaare ko bhej duuN

dunyaa kaa ho gayaa hai yih kaisaa lahuu safed?
aNdhaa kiye hu'e haiN zar-o-maal kii umed
anjaam kyaa hu'aa? ko'ii nahiiN jaantaa yih bhed
soche bashar to jism ho larzaaN misaal-e-bed
likkhii hai kyaa Hayaat-i-abad in ke vaaste?
phailaa rahe haiN jaal yih kis din ke vaaste?

letii kisii faqiir ke ghar meN agar janam
hote nah merii jaan ko saamaan yih ba-ham
Dastaa nah saaNp ban ke mujhe shaukat-o-Hasham
tum mere laal the mujhe kis saltanat se kam
maiN xush huuN phuuNk de ko'ii is taxt-o-taaj ko
tum hii nahiiN to aag lagaa'uuN gii raaj ko

kin kin riyaazatoN se guzaare haiN maah-o-saal
dekhii tumhaarii shakl jab ai mere nau-nihaal
puraa hu'aa jo byaah kaa armaan thaa kamaal
aafat aa'ii mujh pih, hu'e jab safed baal
chhuuTtii huuN un se, jog lenaa jin ke vaaste
kyaa sab kiyaa thaa maiN ne isii din ke vaaste?

aise bhii naa-muraad bahut aa'eN ge nazar
ghar jin ke be charaaGh rahe aah 3umr bhar
rahtaa meraa bhii nakHl-i-tamanna jo besamar
yih jaa-i-sabar thii kih du3aa meN nahiiN asar
lekin yahaaN to ban ke muqaddar hii bigaR gayaa
phal phuul laa ke baaGh-i-tamanna ujaR gayaa

yih jaal yih fareb yih saazish yih shor-o-sharr
honaa jo hai sab us ke bahaane haiN sar-ba-sar
asbaab-i-zaahirii haiN nah in par karo nazar
kyaa jaane kyaa hai pardah-i-qudrat meN jalvah-gar
xaas us kii masliHat ko'ii pahchaantaa nahiiN
manzuur kya use hai ko'ii jaantaa nahiiN

raaHat ho yaa kih ranj, xushii ho kih intishaar
vaajib har ek raNg meN hai shukr-i-kirdagaar
tum hii nahiiN ho kushtah-i-nairaNg-i-rozgaar
maatam-kade meN dahar ke laakhoN haiN sog-vaar
saxtii sahii nahiN kih uThaa'ii kaRii nahiiN
dunyaa meN kyaa kisii pih musiibat paRii nahiN

dekhe haiN is se baRh ke zamaane ne inqilaab
jin se kih begunaahoN kii 3umreN hu'iiN xaraab
soz-e-darooN se qalb-o-jigar ho ga'e kabaab
peerii miTi kisii kii kisii kaa miTaa shabaab
kuchh ban nahiN paRaa jo naseebe bigaR gaye
vuh bijliyaaN giriiN kih bhare ghar ujaR gaye

maaN-baap muNh hii dekhte the jii kaa har ghaRhii
qaa'im thiiN jin ke dam se ummiideN baRii baRii
daaman pih jin ke gard bhii uR kar nahiiN paRii
maarii nah jin ko xvaab meN bhii phuul kii chhaRii
maHrouum jab wuh gul hu'e raNg-i-Hayaat se
un ko jalaa ke xaak kiyaa apne haat se

kahte the log dekh ke maaN-baap kaa malaal
in be-kasoN kii jaan kaa bachnaa hai ab muhaal
hai kibriyaa kii shaan guzarte hii maah-o-saal
xud dil se dard-i-hijr kaa miTtaa gayaa xayaal
haaN kuchh dinoN to nauHah-o-maatam hu'aa kiyaa
aaxir ko ro ke baiTh rahe, aur kyaa kiyaa

aur aap ko to kuchh bhii nahiiN ranj kaa maqaam
baad-i-safar vatan meN ham aa'eN ge shaad-kaam
hote haiN baat karne meN chaudah baras tamaam
qaa'im umeed hii se hai dunyaa hai jis kaa naam
aur yuuN kahiiN bhii ranj-o-bala se mafar nahiN
kyaa ho gaa do ghaRhi meN kisii ko xabar nahiiN
ban-baas jaane par agar raazii nah houuN gaa maiN
kis tarH muNh dikhaane ke qaabil rahuuN gaa maiN?
kyuuN-kar zabaan-e-Ghair ke ta3ne sahuuN gaa maiN?
dunyaa jo yih kahe gii to phir kyaa kahuuN gaa maiN?
laRke ne be-Haya'ii ko naqsh-ei-jabeeN kiyaa
kyaa be-adab thaa, baap kaa kahnaa nahiiN kiyaa!

aaraam zindagii ke dikhaataa hai sabz baaGh
lekin bahaar-i-3aish kaa mujh ko nahiiN dimaaGh
kahte haiN jis ko dharm vuh dunyaa kaa hai chiraaGh
haT jaa'uuN is ravish se to kul meN lage gaa daaGh
be-aabruu yeih vansh nah ho, yih hiraas hai
jis god meN palaa huuN, mujhe us kaa paas hai!

Raj Kumar

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Jul 25, 2013, 6:10:23 PM7/25/13
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____________________

***janaab-e-Naseer saahib:

maiN aap ki jaaN-fishaanii ki dil-o-jaan se daad detaa hooN k aap ne voh nazm DhooND hi nikaalii jo maiN ne apne naveN-dasveN darajaat meiN paRhii thii. ab aap puuchhte haiN k kyaa yeh nazm is suurat meiN mukammal hai to aap hi bataaiye k maiN kyaa kahooN? ☹

agar maiN aap ki pehlii ‘version’ ko ‘version A’ kahooN, jo k 12 baNdoN par mushtamil thii, aur aap ki duusrii ‘version’ ko ‘version B’ kahooN jo k 17 baNdoN par mushtamil hai, to meri is ‘notation’ ke taiht ----

1. version B ain vuhii hai jo maiN ne 1946-48 meiN paRhii thii --- kiyooN-k jo baNd yaa misre mujhe zabaani yaad the, voh sabhi ke sabhi is version meiN maujood haiN aur jo baNd yaa misre mujhe yaad naheeN the, voh is version ko paRhte hi be-tahaashaa yaad aane lage! ☺

is ka matlab yeh naheeN k aap ki yeh ‘version’ mukammal hai --- is liye k

2. kucch baNd jo aap ki version A meiN haiN (aur mere liye naye haiN), voh is nazm meiN har lihaaz se fit hote haiN --- magar afsos k voh baNd aap ki version B meiN haiN hi naheeN; voh baNd haiN A6-A12!

In my opinion, baNd A6 should fit somewhere in the domain B4-B9.

is ke ba’ad maqaam bantaa hai baNd A7 aur baNd A8 ka,

aur, in ke ba’ad, baNd A9-A12 version B ke aaKhirii baNdoN meiN kaheeN bhi fit ho sakte haiN.

in mushaahidaat se nateejah yeh aKhz hotaa hai k na to aap ki version A mukammal thi aur na hi version B --- haaN, agar in dono versions ko aek duusre meiN mudGhim kar diyaa jaaye to ain mumkin hai k is nazm ki saheeh aur mukammal shakl hamaare saamne aa jaaye!

du’aa-go,
Raj Kumar***

Naseer

unread,
Jul 25, 2013, 11:00:16 PM7/25/13
to
muHtaram Raj Kumar SaaHib, aadaab 3arz hai.

Version B meN merii gintii ke mutaabiq chaubiis band haiN. jab maiN "kaaT/lep" kar rahaa thaa to nah jaane kyoN chand band chhupii hu'ii Haalat meN tabdiil ho ga'e! agar aap "show quoted text" par apne "chuuhe" se click kareN to yih Ghair-mar2ii band apne tamaam-tar Husn-o-jamaal ke saath aashkaaraa ho jaa2eN ge!

ek guzaarish. kyaa yih mumkin hai kih aap ek na'ii posT meN in bandoN ko (insaanoN ko nahiiN:-))durust tartiib meN Daal deN aur saath hii aGhlaat se bhii paak kar deN taa kih maujuudah aur aane-vaalii ALUPii nasleN is laRii se mustafiid ho sakeN. peshgii shukriyah!

iraadat-mand,

Naseer

Balvinder

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Jul 26, 2013, 11:34:55 AM7/26/13
to
"Naseer" saahib aur "Qais" saahib aadaab arz hai

PT. Brij Narayan "Chakbast" kii is nazm (Ramayan ka ek scene) ke mut'alliq jo merii maaloomaat hai to ye nazm do hissoN meN hai...pahla hissa to "Naseer" saahib jo aap ne pesh kiya hai vo hai, lekin is ke do baNd nazm ke doosre hisse ke haiN..is nazm ke pahle hisse meN kul 22 baNd haiN aur doosre hisse meN kul 13 baNd haiN is tarah ye nazm kul 35 baNd kii hai...maiN is poorii nazm ko pesh karne kii koshish karta hooN..nazm lambii hai aur ise devnagarii se naql kar rahaa hooN so GhaltiyaaN honaa laazimii hai..is liye maiN is ke liye pahle se hii ma'azrat chaahooNga....liijiye nazm haazir hai.

"Ramayan ka ek siin"

pahla hissa="banbaas jaane se peshtar "Ramchandr" jii kii maaN se baat-chiit"

ruKhsat huaa voh baap se, le kar Khudaa kaa naam
raah-e-vafaa kii manzil-e-avval huii tamaam
manzuur thaa jo maaN kii ziyaarat kaa intizaam
daaman se ashk poNchh kar, dil se kiyaa kalaam
izhaar-e-be_kasii se sitam ho gaa aur bhii
dekhaa hameN udaas to Gham ho gaa aur bhii

dil ko saNbhaaltaa huaa aaKhir voh nau_nihaal
Khaamosh maaN ke paas gayaa suurat-e-Khayaal
dekhaa to ek dar meN hai baithii voh Khastah-haal
saktah saa ho gayaa hai, yeh hai shiddat-e-malaal
tan meN lahuu kaa naam nahiiN, zard raNg hai
goyaa bashar nahiiN koii tasviir-e-saNg hai

kyaa jaane kis Khayaal meN voh gum thii be_gunaah
nuur-e-nazar pe diidah-e-hasrat se kii nigaah
juNbish huii laboN ko, bharii ek sard aah
lii goshah_haa-e-chashm se ashkoN ne ruKh kii raah
chehre kaa raNg haalat-e-dil kholne lagaa
har muu-e-tan, zabaaN kii tarah bolne lagaa

aaKhir asiir-e-yaas kaa qufl-e-dahan khulaa
afsaanah shadaayed-e-raNj-o-mihan khulaa
ik daftar-e-mazaalim-e-charKh-e-kuhan khulaa
vaa thaa dahaan-e-zaKhm ki baab-e-suKhan khulaa
dard-e-dil-e-Ghariib jo sarf-e-bayaaN huaa
Khuun-e-jigar ka raNg suKhan se ayaaN huaa

ro kar kahaa Khamosh khaRhe kyoN ho merii jaaN?
maiN jaantii huuN jis ke liye aae ho tum yahaaN
sab kii Khushii yahii hai tuu sahraa ko ho ravaaN
lekin maiN apne muNh se na hargiz kahuuN gii haaN
kis tarah ban meN aaNkhoN ke taare ko bhej duuN
jogii banaa ke raaj_dulaare ko bhej duuN?

duniyaa kaa ho gayaa hai yeh kaisaa lahuu safed?
aNdhaa kiye hue haiN zar-o-maal kii ummed
anjaam kyaa huaa? koii nahiiN jaantaa yeh bhed
soche bashar to jism ho larzaaN misaal-e-bed
likkhii hai kyaa Hayaat-e-abad in ke vaaste?
phailaa rahe haiN jaal yeh kis din ke vaaste?

letii kisii faqiir ke ghar meN agar janam
hote na merii jaan ko saamaan yeh ba_ham
Dastaa na saaNp ban ke mujhe shaukat-o-hasham
tum mere laal the mujhe kis saltanat se kam
maiN Khush huuN phuuNk de koii is taKht-o-taaj ko
tum hii nahiiN to aag lagaauuN gii raaj ko

kin kin riyaazatoN se guzaare haiN maah-o-saal
dekhii tumhaarii shakl jab ai mere nau_nihaal
puraa huaa jo byaah kaa armaan thaa kamaal
aafat aaii mujh pe, hue jab safed baal
chhuuTtii huuN un se, jog lenaa jin ke vaaste
kyaa sab kiyaa thaa maiN ne isii din ke vaaste?

aise bhii naa_muraad bahut aaeN ge nazar
ghar jin ke be charaaGh rahe aah umr bhar
rahtaa meraa bhii nakhl-e-tamanna jo be_samar
yeh jaa-e-sabar thii ke duaa meN nahiiN asar
lekin yahaaN to ban ke muqaddar hii bigaRh gayaa
phal phuul laa ke baaGh-e-tamanna ujaRh gayaa

sar_zad hue the mujh se Khudaa jaane kyaa gunaah
maNjdhaar meN jo yuuN mirii kashtii huii tabaah
aatii nazar nahiiN koii amn-o-amaaN kii raah
ab yaaN se kuuch ho to adam meN mile panaah
taqsiir merii Khaaliq-e-aalam bahal* kare (bahaal)
aasaan mujh Ghariib kii mushkil ajal kare

sun kar zabaaN se maaN kii yih faryaad-e-dard_Khez
is Khasta-jaaN ke dil pe chalii Gham kii teGh tez
aalam ye thaa qariib ke aaNkheN hoN ashk_rez
lekin hazaar zabt se rone se kii gurez
sochaa yahii kih jaan se be_kas guzar nah jaae
naa_shaad ham ko dekh ke maaN aur mar nah jaae

phir arz kii ye maadar-e-naa_shaad ke huzuur
maayuus kyoN haiN aap alam kaa hai ye vufuur
sadmah yeh shaaq aalam-e-piirii meN hai zaruur
lekin na dil se kiijiye sabr-o-qaraar duur
shaayad KhizaaN se shakl ayaaN ho bahaar kii
kuchh maslihat isii meN ho parvardigaar kii

yeh jaal, yeh fareb, yeh saazish, yeh shor-o-sharr
honaa jo hai sab us ke bahaane haiN sar-ba-sar
asbaab-e-zaahirii haiN na in par karo nazar
kyaa jaane kyaa hai pardah-e-qudrat meN jalvah_gar
Khaas us kii maslihat koii pahchaantaa nahiiN
manzuur kya use hai koii jaantaa nahiiN

raahat ho yaa ke raNj, Khushii ho ke intishaar
vaajib har ek raNg meN hai shukr-e-kirdagaar
tum hii nahiiN ho kushtah-e-nairaNg-e-rozgaar
maatam_kade meN dahar ke laakhoN haiN sog_vaar
saKhtii sahii nahiiN ke uThaaii kaRhii nahiiN
duniyaa meN kyaa kisii pe musiibat paRhii nahiN

dekhe haiN is se baRh ke zamaane ne inqilaab
jin se ke be_gunaahoN kii umreN huiiN Kharaab
soz-e-darooN se qalb-o-jigar ho gae kabaab
peerii miTi kisii kii, kisii kaa miTaa shabaab
kuchh ban nahiN paRhaa jo naseebe bigaRh gaye
voh bijliyaaN giriiN ke bhare ghar ujaRh gaye

maaN-baap muNh hii dekhte the jii kaa har ghaRhii
qaaim thiiN jin ke dam se ummiideN baRhii baRhii
daaman pe jin ke gard bhii uRh kar nahiiN paRhii
maarii na jin ko Khvaab meN bhii phuul kii chhaRhii
mahrouum jab voh gul hue raNg-e-hayaat se
un ko jalaa ke Khaak kiyaa apne haat se

kahte the log dekh ke maaN-baap kaa malaal
in be_kasoN kii jaan kaa bachnaa hai ab muhaal
hai kibriyaa kii shaan guzarte hii maah-o-saal
Khud dil se dard-e-hijr kaa miTtaa gayaa Khayaal
haaN kuchh dinoN to nauha-o-maatam huaa kiyaa
aaKhir ko ro ke baiTh rahe, aur kyaa kiyaa

paRhtaa hai jis Ghariib pih ranj-o-mihan kaa baar
kartaa hai us ko sabr ataa aap kird_gaar
maayuus ho ke hote haiN insaaN gunaah_gaar
ye jaante nahiiN voh daanaa-e-roz_gaar
insaan us kii raah meN saabit_qadam rahe
gardan vahii hai amr-e-rizaa meN jo Kham rahe

aur aap ko to kuchh bhii nahiiN ranj kaa maqaam
baad-e-safar vatan meN ham aaeN ge shaad_kaam
hote haiN baat karne meN chaudah baras tamaam
qaaim ummeed hii se hai dunyaa hai jis kaa naam
aur yuuN kahiiN bhii ranj-o-bala se mafar nahiN
kyaa ho gaa do ghaRhi meN kisii ko Khabar nahii

aksar riyaaz karte haiN phuuloN pih baaGh_baaN
hai din kii dhuup raat kii shabnam unheN garaaN
lekin jo raNg baaGh badaltaa hai naa_gahaaN
voh gul hazaar pardoN meN jaate haiN raaegaaN
rakhte haiN jo aziiz unheN apnii jaaN kii tarah
milte haiN dast-e-yaas voh barg-e-KhizaaN kii tarah

lekin jo phuul khilte haiN sahraa meN be_shumaar
mauquuf kuchh riyaaz pe un kii nahiiN bahaar
dekho ye qudrat-e-chaman_aaraa-e-roz_gaar
voh abr-o-baad-o-barf meN rahte haiN barqaraar
hotaa hai un pe fazl jo rabb-e-kariim kaa
mauj-e-sumuum bantii hai jhoNkaa nasiim kaa

apnii nigaah hai karam-e-kaar_saaz par
sahraa chaman bane gaa voh hai mihrbaaN agar
jaNgal ho yaa pahaaRh safar ho keh ho hazar
rahtaa nahiiN voh haal se bande ke be_Khabar
us kaa karam shariik agar hai to Gham nahiiN
daamaan-e-dasht, daaman-e-maadar se kam nahiiN


doosraa hissa= "maaN ka jawaab"

yeh guftaguu zaraa na huii maaN ke kaargar
haNs kar vafoor-e-yaas se laRhke pe kii nazar
chehre pe yuuN haNsii ka numaaya huaa asar
jis tarah chaaNdanii kii ho shamshaan meN guzar
pinhaaN jo be_kasii thii, voh chehre pe aa gaii
jo dil kii murdanii thii nigaahoN meN aa gaii

phir yeh kahaa ki maiN ne sunii sab yeh daastaan
laakhoN baras kii umr ho, dete ho maaN ko gyaan
lekin jo mere dil ko hai dar_pesh imtihaan
bachche ho, is kaa nahiiN tum ko be_gumaan
us dard kaa shariik tumhaaraa jigar nahiiN
kuchh mamtaa kii aaNch kii tum ko Khabar nahiiN

aaKhir hai umr, hai ye meraa waqt-e-vaapsii
kyaa aitbaar, aaj huuN duniya meN kal nahiiN
lekin vo din bhii aayegaa, is dil ko hai yaqiiN
sochoge jab, ki rotii thii kyoN maadar-e-haziiN
aulaad jab kabhii tumheN suurat dikhaaegii
fariyaad is Ghariib kii tab yaad aaegii

in aaNsuoN kii qadr tumheN kuchh abhii nahiiN
baatoN se jo bujhe, yeh dil kii lagii nahiiN
lekin tumheN ho raNj, yeh merii Khushii nahiiN
jaao, sidhaaro, Khush raho, maiN roktii nahiiN
duniya meN be_hayaaii se ziNdaa rahuuNgii maiN
paala hai maiN ne tum ko to duKh bhii sahuuNgii maiN

nashtar the ye "Raam" ke liye harf-e-aarzuu
dil hil gayaa, sarakne lagaa jism se lahuu
samjhe jo maaN ke diin ko iimaan-e-aabruu
sun'nii paRhe us ko yeh Khajaalat kii guftaguu
kuchh bhii jawaab ban na paRhaa fikr-o-Ghair se
qadamoN pe maaN ke gir paRhaa aaNsuu ki taur se

tuufaaN aaNsuoN ka zubaaN se huaa na baNd
ruk-ruk ke is tarah huaa goyaa vo dard_maNd
pahuNchii hai mujh se aap ke dil ko agar gazaNd
marnaa mujhe qubuul hai, jeenaa nahiiN pasaNd
jo be_vafaa hai maadar-e-na_shaad ke liye
do_zaKh yeh zindagii hai us aulaad ke liye

hai daur is Ghulaam se Khud_raaii ka Khayaal
aisaa gumaan bhii ho, yeh merii nahiiN majaal
gar sau baras bhii umr ko merii na ho zavaal
jo diin aap ka hai, adaa ho, yeh hai muhaal
jaata kahiiN na chhoRh ke qadamoN ko aap ke
majbuur kar diyaa mujh ko vaade ne baap ke

aaraam zindagii ke dikhaataa hai sabz baaGh
lekin bahaar-e-aish kaa mujh ko nahiiN dimaaGh
kahte haiN jis ko dharm voh duniyaa kaa hai chiraaGh
haT jaauuN is ravish se to kul meN lage gaa daaGh
be_aabruu yeh vansh na ho, yeh hiraas hai
jis god meN palaa huuN, mujhe us kaa paas hai

banbaas jaane par agar raazii na houuN gaa maiN
kis tar muNh dikhaane ke qaabil rahuuN gaa maiN?
kyuuN_kar zabaan-e-Ghair ke taane sahuuN gaa maiN?
duniyaa jo ye kahe gii to phir kyaa kahuuN gaa maiN?
laRhke ne be_hayaaii ko naqsh-e-jabeeN kiyaa
kyaa be_adab thaa, baap kaa kahnaa nahiiN kiyaa

taasiir ka tilism thaa maasuum ka Khitaab
Khud maaN ke dil ko choT lagii sun ke yeh jawaab
Gham kii ghaTaa miT gaii, taariiki-e-itaab
chhaatii bhar aaii, zabt kii baaqii rahii na taab
sarkaa ke paaNo god meN sar ko uThaa liyaa
siine se apne laKht-e-jigar ko lagaa liyaa

donoN ke dil bhar aae, huaa aur hii samaN
gaNg-o-jaman kii tarah se aaNsuu hue ravaaN
har aaNkh ko nasiib yeh ashk-e-vafaa kahaaN?
in aaNsuoN ka mol hai to naqd-e-jaaN
hotii hai in kii qadr faqat dil ke raaz meN
aisaa guhar na thaa koii "Dashrath" ke taaj meN

PT. Brij Narayan "Chakbast"


taalib-e-duaa
Balvinder

Naseer

unread,
Jul 26, 2013, 1:09:20 PM7/26/13
to
Balvinder SaaHib, aadaab 3arz hai.

mere ek rishtedaar ke haaN aaTh beTiyoN ke ba3d ek beTaa hu'aa. aap jaante hii haiN kih hamaare haaN log betoN ko taraste haiN xvaah vuh ba3d meN kitne hii naa-farmaaN-bardaar kyoN nah nikleN. ba-har Haal vuh haspataal meN jab apnii biivii aur bachche se milne gayaa to bachche ko uThaa kar kahtaa hai, "O yaaraa, tuuN itnaa chir keRhii guTThe chhuppiaa seN"!

qissah muxtasar! aap itnii muddat kis kone meN chhupe hu'e the!?

lagtaa hai kih aap ke paas Qaaruun aur us ke baap kaa bhii xazaanah hai!!

bahut bahut shukriyah. (abhii maiN ne aap kii pesh kardah nazm nahiiN paRhii..mujh se rahaa nahiiN gayaa..sochaa kih jald az jald aap kaa shukriyah adaa karuuN)

iHsaan-mand,

Naseer




Raj Kumar

unread,
Jul 26, 2013, 5:59:35 PM7/26/13
to
On Friday, July 26, 2013 8:34:55 AM UTC-7, Balvinder wrote:

"Naseer" saahib aur "Qais" saahib, aadaab arz hai

PT. Brij Narayan "Chakbast" kii is nazm (Ramayan ka ek scene) ke mut'alliq jo merii maaloomaat haiN to ye nazm do hissoN meN hai...pahla hissa to "Naseer" saahib jo aap ne pesh kiya hai vo hai, lekin is ke do baNd nazm ke doosre hisse ke haiN..is nazm ke pahle hisse meN kul 22 baNd haiN aur doosre hisse meN kul 13 baNd haiN is tarah ye nazm kul 35 baNd kii hai...maiN is poorii nazm ko pesh karne kii koshish karta hooN..nazm lambii hai aur ise devnagarii se naql kar rahaa hooN so GhaltiyaaN honaa laazimii hai..is liye maiN is ke liye pahle se hii ma'azrat chaahooNga....liijiye nazm haazir hai.

***janaab Balvinder saahib:

aap ne to kamaal hi kar diyaa, jis nazm ko ham log mukammal samajh rahe the aap ne to use “aur bhi mukammal” kar diyaa! ☺

aap note kareN ge k aap ki version meiN (22+13-2) = 33 ash’aar haiN, na k 35 --- and you can easily figure out why!

ab aek maze ki baat suniye --- voh yeh k maiN abhi abhi, Naseer saahib ke hukm ke mutaabiq, un ki versions A aur B ko aek duusre meiN mudGhim karne ki koshish kar rahaa thaa aur kaheeN kaheeN is nzm ke baNdoN ki tarteeb se pareeshaan bhi ho rahaa thaa k achaanak aap ke naqqaare ki aavaaz sunaa’ii dii. jab aaNkh uThaa kar dekhaa to is nazm ki bharpoor shakl aaNkhoN ke saamne lehraane lagii ---- goyaa, Khaaksaar mazeed mehnat se bach gayaa! ☺

ab agar ijaazat ho to maiN aap kii dii hu’ii version ko "Khurdbeen" ke saath dekhooN aur is meiN agar ko’ii laGhzisheN nazar aayeN to un ki tas_heeh kar ke is nazm ko aek alaihda laRii meiN ALUP par post kar dooN. aisaa karte huye, maiN yaqeenan Naseer saahib ko aur aap ko DHER SAARAA credit dooN ga! ☺

Khair-aNdesh,
Raj Kumar

Naseer

unread,
Jul 26, 2013, 6:32:10 PM7/26/13
to
Raj Kumar SaaHib, aadaab-o-tasliimaat.

agar aap munaasib samjheN to apnii us puraanii posT se, jo merii is laRii kii muHarrik yaa catalyst saabit hu'ii, ek muxtasar saa iqtibaas bhii apnii aa'indah laRii meN shaamil kar sakte haiN.

https://groups.google.com/forum/#!searchin/alt.language.urdu.poetry/Brij$20Chakbast$20ek$20scene/alt.language.urdu.poetry/C7zBPjGtKXE/1y7F95YFoGcJ

Naseer

Raj Kumar

unread,
Jul 26, 2013, 7:25:14 PM7/26/13
to
On Friday, July 26, 2013 3:32:10 PM UTC-7, Naseer wrote:
> Raj Kumar SaaHib, aadaab-o-tasliimaat
>
> agar aap munaasib samjheN to apnii us puraanii posT se, jo merii is laRii kii muHarrik yaa catalyst saabit hu'ii, ek muxtasar saa iqtibaas bhii apnii aa'indah laRii meN shaamil kar sakte haiN.
> https://groups.google.com/forum/#!searchin/alt.language.urdu.poetry/Brij$20Chakbast$20ek$20scene/alt.language.urdu.poetry/C7zBPjGtKXE/1y7F95YFoGcJ
>
> Naseer

---------

Thanks for the link, Naseer saahib. I'll definitely give an appropriate reference to this age-old post of mine!

R.K.



Raj Kumar

unread,
Jul 27, 2013, 9:45:12 PM7/27/13
to
On Friday, July 26, 2013 8:34:55 AM UTC-7, Balvinder wrote:

-------------------
-------------------

janaab Balvinder saahib:

maiN ne aap ki irsaal-kardah nazm ko apni Khurdbeen meiN se dekhaa hai aur jahaaN jahaaN mujhe ko’ii laGhzish nazar aa’ii, maiN ne us ki tas_heeh kar di hai. ab agar aap yeh puuchheN k meri yeh nishtar-zanii kahaaN kahaaN laahaQ hu’ii hai to kyaa kahooN, kiyooN-k yeh fehrist qadre lambi hai! ☺

behtar yeh hogaa k aap meri is version ka muvaazina apni version se kareN to aap par vaazeh ho jaaye gaa k jo adal-badal meri jaanib se hu’ye haiN, voh kahaaN kahaaN hu’ye haiN ------- Please do check!

fil-vaqt, mere liye itnaa kehnaa hi kaafii hogaa k mere adal-badal ki vajaheN ziyaadah-tar yeh thiiN:

1. agar ko’ii misr’a bar-vazn na ho to us misr’e ki saheeh shakl kyaa honi chaahiye?

2. agar kuchh alfaaz ki transliteration un alfaaz ke talaffuz ki saheeh tarjumaanii na kar rahii ho to un alfaaz ko kaise likhnaa chaahiye?

3. agar kuchh alfaaz transliteration ki vajah se ib_haam ka shikaar ho rahe hoN to unheN kaise likhaa jaaye ---- jaise

ko’ii kitaab “paRhnaa” yaa kisii ke paaoN “paRnaa”
besan ki “kaRhii” yaa zaNjeer ki “kaRii”
maaN ka “den” yaa maaN ka “diin”
and many more!

4. vowel sounds --- jaise
chhuuTtii vs chhuTtii
ummeed vs umeed vs umed
and many more!

5. Some unusual characters like the Arabic word “bihil” (meaning “pardon”) --- instead of the non-existing word “ba-hal” or the pedantry word “bahaal” (which doesn’t even fit this meter). :(

6. In addition, I have taken extra care to write words ending with a vowel sound in such a manner that they correspond correctly to the “vazn” they have been used with --- jaise

kaa/kii if they are employed as a full syllable, ka/ki if only as a half syllable, and many more words like these.

I do realize that most readers here will not even bother about this subtle distinction --- but I do!
And if they did it too, they will be much better off reading a Ghazal/nazm the way it was supposed to be read!

Balvinder saahib, Naseer saahib aur deegar yaaraan–e-mehfil ---- please do respond to this post of mine with all your questions and comments, so that we can finally bring this endeavor to a happy ending!

Khair-aNdesh,
Raj Kumar

---------------------------------------------------

"Raamaayan ka aek siin"

pahla hissa --- "banbaas jaane se pahle Shri Ramchandr jii kaa apni maata Kaushalya se milnaa"

1. ruKhsat hu’aa voh baap se, le kar Khudaa kaa naam
raah-e-vafaa ki manzil-e-avval hu’ii tamaam
manzuur thaa jo maaN ki ziyaarat ka intezaam
daaman se ashk poNchh ke, dil se kiyaa kalaam
izhaar-e-be_kasii se sitam hoga aur bhii
dekhaa hameN udaas to Gham hoga aur bhii

2. dil ko saNbhaaltaa hu’a aaKhir voh nau_nihaal
Khaamosh maaN ke paas gayaa suurat-e-Khayaal
dekhaa to aek dar meN hai baithii voh Khastah-haal
saktah sa ho gayaa hai, yeh hai shiddat-e-malaal
tan meN lahuu ka naam nahiiN, zard raNg hai
goyaa bashar nahiiN, ko’i tasviir-e-saNg hai

3. kyaa jaane kis Khayaal meN gum thii voh be_gunaah
nuur-e-nazar pe diidah-e-hasrat se kii nigaah
juNbish hu’ii laboN ko, bharii aek sard aah
lii goshah_haa-e-chashm se ashkoN ne ruKh ki raah
chehre ka raNg haalat-e-dil kholne lagaa
har muu-e-tan zabaaN ki tarah bolne lagaa

4. aaKhir asiir-e-yaas ka qufl-e-dahan khulaa
afsaanah-e-shadaayed-e-raNj-o-mihan khulaa
ik daftar-e-mazaalim-e-charKh-e-kuhan khulaa
vaa thaa dahaan-e-zaKhm k baab-e-suKhan khulaa
dard-e-dil-e-Ghariib jo sarf-e-bayaaN hu’aa
Khuun-e-jigar ka raNg suKhan se ayaaN hu’aa

5.ro kar kahaa, Khamosh khaRhe kiyooN ho merii jaaN?
maiN jaantii huuN jis liye aae ho tum yahaaN
sab kii Khushii yahii hai tu sahraa ko ho ravaaN
lekin maiN apne muNh se na hargiz kahuuN gii, haaN
kis tar’h ban meN aaNkhoN ke taare ko bhej duuN
jogii banaa ke raaj_dulaare ko bhej duuN?

6. dunyaa ka ho gayaa hai yeh kaisaa lahuu safed?
aNdhaa kiye hu’e hai zar-o-maal kii umed
aNjaam kyaa ho? ko’ii nahiiN jaantaa yeh bhed
soche bashar to jism ho larzaaN misaal-e-bed
likkhii hai kyaa Hayaat-e-abad in ke vaaste?
phailaa rahe haiN jaal yeh kis din ke vaaste?

7. letii kisii faqiir ke ghar meN agar janam
hote na merii jaan ko saamaan yeh ba_ham
Daste na saaNp ban ke mujhe shaukat-o-hasham
tum mere laal the mujhe kis saltanat se kam
maiN Khush huuN phuuNk de ko’ii is taKht-o-taaj ko
tuu hii nahiiN to aag lagaauuN gi raaj ko?

8. kin kin riyaazatoN se guzaare haiN maah-o-saal
dekhii tumhaarii shakl jab ai mere nau_nihaal
puraa hu’aa jo byaah ka armaan thaa kamaal
aafat tab aa’ii mujh pe, hue jab safed baal ???
chhuTtii huuN un se, jog liyaa jin ke vaaste
kyaa sab kiyaa thaa maiN ne isii din ke vaaste?

9. aise bhii naa_muraad bahut aa’eN ge nazar
ghar jin ke be charaaGh rahe, aah umr bhar
rahtaa miraa bhii naKhl-e-tamanna jo be_samar
yeh jaa-e-sabr thii ke du’aa meN nahiiN asar
lekin yahaaN to ban ke muqaddar bigaR gayaa
phal phuul laa ke baaGh-e-tamanna ujaR gayaa

10. sar_zad hu’e the mujh se Khudaa jaane kyaa gunaah
maNjdhaar meN jo yuuN miri kashtii hu’ii tabaah
aatii nazar nahiiN ko’i amn-o-amaaN ki raah
ab yaaN se kuuch ho to adam meN mile panaah
taqsiir meri Khaaliq-e-aalam bihil kare
aasaan mujh Ghariib ki mushkil ajal kare

11. sun kar zabaaN se maaN ki yih faryaad-e-dard_Khez
us Khasta-jaaN ke dil pe chalii Gham kii teGh-e-tez
aalam ye thaa qariib ke aaNkheN hoN ashk_rez
lekin hazaar zabt se rone se kii gurez
sochaa yahii k jaan se be_kas guzar nah jaa’e
naa_shaad ham ko dekh ke maaN aur mar nah jaa’e

12. phir arz kii ye maadar-e-naa_shaad ke huzuur
maayuus kiyooN haiN aap, alam kaa hai ye vufuur
sadmah yeh shaaq aalam-e-piirii meN hai zaruur
lekin na dil se kiijiye sabr-o-qaraar duur
shaayad KhizaaN se shakl ayaaN ho bahaar kii
kuchh maslihat isii meN ho parvardagaar kii

13. yeh jaal, yeh fareb, yeh saazish, yeh shor-o-shar
honaa jo hai sab us ke bahaane haiN sar-ba-sar
asbaab-e-zaahirii haiN na in par karo nazar
kyaa jaane kyaa hai pardah-e-qudrat meN jalvah_gar
Khaas us ki maslihat ko’i pahchaantaa nahiiN
manzuur kyaa use hai ko’ii jaantaa nahiiN

14. raahat ho yaa k raNj, Khushii ho k inteshaar
vaajib har aek raNg meN hai shukr-e-kirdigaar
tum hii nahiiN ho kushtah-e-nairaNg-e-rozgaar
maatam_kade meN daihr ke laakhoN haiN sog_vaar
saKhtii sahii nahiiN k uThaa’ii kaRii nahiiN
dunyaa meN kyaa kisii pe musiibat paRii nahiiN

15. dekhe haiN is se baRh ke zamaane ne inqilaab
jin se k be_gunaahoN ki umreN hu’iiN Kharaab
soz-e-darooN se qalb-o-jigar ho ga’e kabaab
peerii miTii kisii ki, kisii kaa miTaa shabaab
kuchh ban nahiiN paRaa jo naseebe bigaR gaye
voh bijliyaaN giriiN k bhare ghar ujaR gaye

16. maaN-baap muNh hi dekhte the jin ka har ghaRii
qaa’im thiiN jin ke dam se umiideN baRii baRii
daaman pe jin ke gard bhi uR kar nahiiN paRii
maarii na jin ko Khvaab meN bhii phuul kii chhaRii
mahruum jab voh gul hu’e raNg-e-hayaat se
un ko jalaa ke Khaak kiyaa apne haat se

17. kahte the log dekh ke maaN-baap kaa malaal
in be_kasoN ki jaan kaa bachnaa hai ab muhaal
hai kibriyaa ki shaan, guzarte hi maah-o-saal
Khud dil se dard-e-hijr kaa miTtaa gayaa Khayaal
haaN, kuchh dinoN to nauha-o-maatam hu’aa kiyaa
aaKhir ko ro ke baiTh rahe, aur kyaa kiyaa?

18. paRtaa hai jis Ghariib peh raNj-o-mihan ka baar
kartaa hai us ko sabr ataa aap kirdigaar
maayuus ho ke hote haiN insaaN gunaah_gaar
yeh jaante nahiiN haiN voh daanaa-e-roz_gaar
insaan us ki raah meN saabit_qadam rahe
gardan vuhii hai amr-e-razaa meN jo Kham rahe

19. aur aap ko to kuchh bhii nahiiN raNj kaa maqaam
baad-e-safar vatan meN ham aa’eN ge shaad_kaam
hote haiN baat karne meN chaudah baras tamaam
qaa’im umeed hii se hai dunyaa hai jis kaa naam
aur yuuN kahiiN bhi raNj-o-balaa se mafar nahiiN
kyaa hoga do ghaRi meN, kisii ko Khabar nahiiN

20. aksar riyaaz karte haiN phuuloN peh baaGh_baaN
hai din ki dhuup raat ki shabnam unheN giraaN
lekin jo raNg baaGh badaltaa hai naa_gahaaN
voh gul hazaar pardoN meN jaate haiN raa’egaaN
rakhte haiN jo aziiz unheN apnii jaaN ki tar’h
malte haiN dast-e-yaas voh barg-e-KhizaaN ki tar’h

21. lekin jo phuul khilte haiN sahraa meN be_shumaar
mauquuf kuchh riyaaz pe un kii nahiiN bahaar
dekho ye qudrat-e-chaman_aaraa-e-roz_gaar
voh abr-o-baad-o-barf meN rahte haiN barqaraar
hotaa hai un pe fazl jo rabb-e-kariim kaa
mauj-e-sumuum banti hai jhoNkaa nasiim kaa

22. apnii nigaah hai karam-e-kaar_saaz par
sahraa chaman bane ga, voh hai mihrbaaN agar
jaNgal ho yaa pahaaR, safar ho k ho hazar
rahtaa nahiiN voh haal se baNde ke be_Khabar
us kaa karam shariik agar hai to Gham nahiiN
daamaan-e-dasht, daaman-e-maadar se kam nahiiN


doosraa hissa --- "maaN kaa jawaab"

23. yeh guft-guu zaraa na hu’ii maaN ke kaargar
haNs kar vufoor-e-yaas se laRke pe kii nazar
chehre pe yuuN haNsii ka numaayaaN hu’aa asar
jis tar’h chaaNdnii ka ho shamshaan meN guzar
pinhaaN jo be_kasii thi voh chehre pe chhaa ga’ii
jo dil kii murdanii thi nigaahoN meN aa ga’ii
24. phir yeh kahaa k maiN ne sunii sab yeh daastaan
laakhoN baras ki umr hai, dete ho maaN ko gyaan
lekin jo mere dil ko hai dar_pesh imtehaan
bachche ho, us ka ilm nahiiN tum ko be_gumaan
is dard kaa shariik tumhaaraa jigar nahiiN
kuchh maamtaa ki aaNch kii tum ko Khabar nahiiN

25. aaKhir hai umr, hai ye miraa waqt-e-vaapsii
kyaa a’etibaar, aaj huuN dunyaa meN kal nahiiN
lekin vo din bhi aaye ga, is dil ko hai yaqiiN
socho ge jab k roti thi kiyooN maadar-e-haziiN
aulaad jab kabhii tumheN suurat dikhaaye gii
faryaad is Ghariib kii tab yaad aaye gii

26. in aaNsuoN ki qadr tumheN kuchh abhii nahiiN
baatoN se jo bujhe, yeh voh dil kii lagii nahiiN
lekin tumheN ho raNj, yeh merii Khushii nahiiN
jaao, sidhaaro, Khush raho, maiN roktii nahiiN
dunyaa meN be_hayaa’ii se ziNdaa rahuuNgi maiN
paalaa hai maiN ne tum ko to duKh bhii sahuuNgi maiN

-----------------

27. nishtar the Raam ke liye yeh harf-e-aarzuu
dil hil gayaa, sarakne lagaa jism se lahuu
samjhe jo maaN ke den ko iimaan-e-aabruu
sun_nii paRe yeh us ko Khajaalat kii guft-guu
kuchh bhii jawaab ban na paRaa fikr-o-Ghair se
qadmoN pe maaN ke gir paRaa aaNsuu ke taur se


28. tuufaan aaNsuoN ka zabaaN se hu’aa na baNd
ruk ruk ke is tarah huaa goyaa vo dard_maNd
pahuNchii hai mujh se aap ke dil ko agar gazaNd
marnaa mujhe qubuul hai, jeenaa nahiiN pasaNd
jo be_vafaa hai maadar-e-na_shaad ke liye
do_zaKh yeh ziNdagii hai us aulaad ke liye

29. hai duur is Ghulaam se Khud_raaii ka Khayaal
aisaa gumaan bhii ho, yeh merii nahiiN majaal
gar sau baras bhi umr ko merii na ho zavaal
jo den aap ka hai, adaa ho, yeh hai muhaal
jaataa kahiiN na chhoR ke qadmoN ko aap ke
majbuur kar diyaa mujhe va’ade ne baap ke

30. aaraam ziNdagii ke dikhaataa hai sabz baaGh
lekin bahaar-e-aish ka mujh ko nahiiN dimaaGh
kahte haiN jis ko dharm, voh dunyaa ka hai charaaGh
haT jaauuN is ravish se to kul meN lage ga daaGh
be_aabruu yeh vansh na ho, yeh hiraas hai
jis god meN palaa huuN, mujhe us kaa paas hai

31. banbaas jaane par agar raazii na huuN ga maiN
kis tar’h muNh dikhaane ke qaabil rahuuN ga maiN?
kiyuuN_kar zabaan-e-Ghair ke ta’ane sahuuN ga maiN?
dunyaa jo yeh kahe gi to phir kyaa kahuuN ga maiN?
laRke ne be_hayaa’ii ko naqsh-e-jabeeN kiyaa
kyaa be_adab tha, baap ka kahnaa nahiiN kiyaa!

32. taasiir ka tilism tha ma’asuum ka Khitaab
Khud maaN ke dil ko choT lagii sun ke yeh jawaab
Gham kii ghaTaa chhaTii, miTi taariiki-e-etaab ???
chhaatii bhar aaii, zabt ki baaqii rahii na taab
sarkaa ke paaoN, god meN sar ko uThaa liyaa
siine se apne laKht-e-jigar ko lagaa liyaa!

33. donoN ke dil bhar aa’e, hu’aa aur hii samaaN
gaNg-o-jaman ki tar’h se aaNsuu hu’e ravaaN
har aaNkh ko nasiib yeh ashk-e-vafaa kahaaN?
in aaNsuoN ka mol agar hai to naqd-e-jaaN
hotii hai in kii qadr faqat dil ke raaj meN
aisaa guhar na thaa ko’i Dashrath ke taaj meN!

Pandit Brij Narayan "Chakbast"







Anil Kala

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Jul 28, 2013, 1:11:18 AM7/28/13
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In three parts may be two parts made into three parts...

http://kavitakosh.org/kk/%E0%A4%B0%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%AE%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%AF%E0%A4%A3_%E0%A4%95%E0%A4%BE_%E0%A4%8F%E0%A4%95_%E0%A4%B8%E0%A5%80%E0%A4%A8_/_%E0%A4%AC%E0%A5%83%E0%A4%9C_%E0%A4%A8%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%B0%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%AF%E0%A4%A3_%E0%A4%9A%E0%A4%95%E0%A4%AC%E0%A4%B8%E0%A5%8D%E0%A4%A4_/_%E0%A4%AD%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%97_%E0%A5%A7#.UfSnSNL-G8A

http://kavitakosh.org/kk/%E0%A4%B0%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%AE%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%AF%E0%A4%A3_%E0%A4%95%E0%A4%BE_%E0%A4%8F%E0%A4%95_%E0%A4%B8%E0%A5%80%E0%A4%A8_/_%E0%A4%AC%E0%A5%83%E0%A4%9C_%E0%A4%A8%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%B0%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%AF%E0%A4%A3_%E0%A4%9A%E0%A4%95%E0%A4%AC%E0%A4%B8%E0%A5%8D%E0%A4%A4_/_%E0%A4%AD%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%97_%E0%A5%A8#.UfSnyNL-G8A

http://kavitakosh.org/kk/%E0%A4%B0%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%AE%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%AF%E0%A4%A3_%E0%A4%95%E0%A4%BE_%E0%A4%8F%E0%A4%95_%E0%A4%B8%E0%A5%80%E0%A4%A8_/_%E0%A4%AC%E0%A5%83%E0%A4%9C_%E0%A4%A8%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%B0%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%AF%E0%A4%A3_%E0%A4%9A%E0%A4%95%E0%A4%AC%E0%A4%B8%E0%A5%8D%E0%A4%A4_/_%E0%A4%AD%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%97_%E0%A5%A9#.UfSn6NL-G8A

Naseer

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Jul 28, 2013, 1:46:01 AM7/28/13
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janaab-i-Raj Kumar SaaHib, aadaab 3arz hai.

You are to be commended for spending a lot of time and effort in order to get this nazm into a form which is worthy of its creator and its content. With your permission, I would like to make a few comments, through which I hope there will be further improvements. These may range from what may be perceived as trivial to a little more substantial. At any rate if you decide to incorporate any of the suggestions, then "fa-bihaa"; if not, it is still all well and good.

1) ki/kii, ka/kaa, hu'a/hu'aa, sa/saa etc are the kind of changes which only those people will appreciate who are aware of the concept of vazn. In Urdu mode of writing itself, this is not taken into account and is left to the discerning reader.

2)What is the reason for writing "aek" and not "ek" in the manner of nek. If your spelling is indicative of alif, ye, kaaf then if one were to be hyper-correct, it ought to be "'ek" where the apostrophe is a hamzah. This would be one of the trivial points I've mentioned earlier.

3) There is no nasal in junbish/jumbish

4) shadaa'id and not shadaayad, once again the apostrophe is a hamzah. c.f. favaa'id.

5) kyooN should replace kiyooN

6) All these should not have N as nasal. andhaa, anjaam, band, mand, gazand, pasand

7)bi-hil is Persian for "chhoR" and not Arabic. Does this rhyme with "ajal"? I am not convinced that it is "bi-hil". Could the word be "bihal"? I think there is an entry in Platts for this.

8) laa-Hiq (not laa-Haq...(I think you've used that in your preamble)

9) parvardigaar in place of parvardagaar. Again quite trivial.

10) ranj and not raNj,zindagii and not ziNdagii

11) Is it baad-e-safar (The breeze of journey) or ba'd-e-saar (After the journey)?

12) I believe the word should be i3tibaar/i'tibaar in the manner of iftixaar (another trivial point)

13) dozax/dozaKh. I wonder why you have written "do_zaKh"?

Thank you for your patience.

Naseer



b_man...@yahoo.com

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Jul 28, 2013, 10:59:32 AM7/28/13
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Waa..h Balvinder saahab, kyaa kehne!
Aaj phir aap ne apni waseelah-rasaa'ii (resourcefullness) kaa sabuut de diyaa hai.
Ummeed hai kih aap yuuN hi karam farmaate raheN ge.

~B.G.

============================================================================

Balvinder

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Jul 29, 2013, 11:29:23 AM7/29/13
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janaab-e-"Naseer" saahib aadaab

huzoor maiN kahiiN chhupa huaa nahiiN thaa..maiN to shaairii ke gauhar talaash rahaa thaa aur ye merii Khush_qismatii hai ki aap ke is Khazaane (ba_qaul aap ke qaaruuN ke baap ka) tak pahuNch gayaa...aap kii in muhabbatoN ke liye mamnoon hooN.
ek darKhvaast hai ki aap ye "iHsaan-mand" lafz ka istemaal mere liye to qataii na kiijiye.

taalib-e-ilm
Balvinder

vij...@gmail.com

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Jul 29, 2013, 1:10:20 PM7/29/13
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Raj sahib, first of all thanks are due to you for taking on this mammoth task of transcribing, and so accurately and in the first attempt*, this beautiful poem. For me these stories of Ramayana and Mahabharata are mythical. If there is anything divine in these, then it is in the telling of these tales and in the original Sanaskrit, these must have been even richer. Now we have a segment of Ramayana imagined and interpreted in another masterly language, Urdu, and the effect is spellbinding. It adds to the allure and the mysticism of the story. I recommend that it be read aloud to really appreciate its beauty.

My second thanks goes to Naseer sahib for his endless endavours to complete what has been incomplete in the past and in so doing, resurrecting this thread. I had missed it first time around, I think.

Above all, my thanks and congratulations go to Balvinder sahib who seems to have the key to all things rare and difficult to track down. He is a real asset.

*In the baNd number 27, should it be fikr-o-Ghaur? and not 'Ghair'?

Thanks once again,

Vijay

Naseer

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Jul 29, 2013, 3:51:04 PM7/29/13
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Vijay SaaHib, aadaab 3arz hai.

I don't think this nazm has ever been posted in ALUP before. It has been mentioned in passing and that's about all.

"Ghaur" was on my list of corrections but I seem to have stopped my addenda at 13!:-)

Naseer

Raj Kumar

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Jul 29, 2013, 5:19:11 PM7/29/13
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On Saturday, July 27, 2013 10:46:01 PM UTC-7, Naseer wrote:

janaab-i-Raj Kumar SaaHib, aadaab 3arz hai.

You are to be commended for spending a lot of time and effort in order to get this nazm into a form which is worthy of its creator and its content. With your permission, I would like to make a few comments, through which I hope there will be further improvements. These may range from what may be perceived as trivial to a little more substantial. At any rate if you decide to incorporate any of the suggestions, then "fa-bihaa"; if not, it is still all well and good.

***Thanks for your comments, Naseer sahib. I agree with most of them and will make full use of them in revising the text further. My response to the individual questions you have raised is as follows:***

1) ki/kii, ka/kaa, hu'a/hu'aa, sa/saa, etc. are the kind of changes which only those people will appreciate who are aware of the concept of vazn. In Urdu mode of writing itself, this is not taken into account and is left to the discerning reader.

***The notation I have used here makes good sense to those who are familiar with the matters of “vazn” and is also useful for those who are interested in furthering their knowledge of such matters; in fact, no one can deny the fact that the issue of ‘vazn’ is awesomely crucial to the composition of Urdu poetry. For those who are impervious to this basic fact, it doesn’t matter whether I write “kaa” or “ka” --- for they’ll read one the same way as the other. So, my scheme does have the potential of benefitting some --- at the same time, hurting no one.***

2) What is the reason for writing "aek" and not "ek" in the manner of nek. If your spelling is indicative of alif, ye, kaaf then if one were to be hyper-correct, it ought to be "'ek" where the apostrophe is a hamzah. This would be one of the trivial points I've mentioned earlier.

*** I don’t mind it one way or the other --- though, in my opinion, “aek” does better justice to the letter ‘alif’ than does “ek”. Your hyper-correct alternative, I am sorry to say, has no appeal for me because, in my book, no Urdu word starts with a hamzah --- not even one!***

3) There is no nasal in junbish/jumbish.

***Agreed that the pronunciation of ‘n’ here is very much like ‘m’, so I’ll write this (and all such words) with an ‘n’ and not ‘N’.***

4) shadaa'id and not shadaayad, once again the apostrophe is a hamzah. c.f. favaa'id.

***I just left the original as it was, but I do agree with your observation and will comply***.

5) kyooN should replace kiyooN

***Platts agrees with you ------ so should I.***

6) All these should not have N as nasal. andhaa, anjaam, band, mand, gazand, pasand

***In my opinion, the sound of ‘n’ in all these words is indeed nasal but, unfortunately, most Urdu-vaalaas don’t get it! ☹

Huzoor, lafz “andhaa” meiN harf ‘noon’ ki aavaaz voh naheeN hai jo lafz “anarth” meiN hai. is ke pronunciation meiN, ‘n’ ki aavaaz khanaktii naheeN, naak ke aNdar reh jaati hai. yihii vajah hai k dev-naagari rasm-ul-Khat meiN aise alfaaz ko “poore na” ke saath naheeN likkha jaata, “aadhe na” ke saath likkha jaata hai. yaa phir, depending on the structure of the word, kabhi kabhi aek bindi yaa aek ‘chandrama” ke nishaan se kaam liyaa jaata hai.

goyaa, yeh aavaaz “noon-Ghunna” jaisi hi hai go k Urdu vaale is aavaaz ko tabhi nasal kehte haiN jab k ‘n’ se pehle aek vowel sound ho!

agarche maiN, har lihaaz se, Urdu vaalaa hooN magar, is mu’aamile meiN, maiN Hindi vaaloN ke husn-e-imtiyaaz ki qadr kartaa hooN aur aise naazuk maqaamaat par symbol ‘N’ hi ko ravaa samajhtaa hooN --- until I invent a brand new symbol for this sound!

In any case, Naseer saahib, if I can manage to live with your symbol ‘3a’ for harf ‘ain’, you should be able to live with my ‘N’ in a word like ‘chhaNd’! ***

7)bi-hil is Persian for "chhoR" and not Arabic. Does this rhyme with "ajal"? I am not convinced that it is "bi-hil". Could the word be "bihal"? I think there is an entry in Platts for this.

***I don’t remember when and where I first heard this word, but Platts does have an entry under “biHil” as a Persian word and it does mean “pardon”!

Now look at the misr’a in question:

taqseer meri Khaaliq-e-aalam ???? kare

See how nicely the word “pardon” fits here!

So, I strongly feel that the word in question is indeed the one I have suggested and, hopefully, it has an alternative pronunciation “biHal”, which will serve all purposes --- including the rhyming with “ajal”!

So, for the time being, I’ll go with “biHal” and leave a question mark there to be resolved later!***

8) laa-Hiq (not laa-Haq...(I think you've used that in your preamble)

***Agreed***

9) parvardigaar in place of parvardagaar. Again quite trivial.

***Platts prefers the latter over the former; he even calls “parvardigaar” vulgar!

So, I’ll go with “parvardagaar”.***

10) ranj and not raNj, zindagii and not ziNdagii

***The same answer as in question 6).***

11) Is it baad-e-safar (The breeze of journey) or ba'd-e-saar (After the journey)?

***Don’t try to be cute, jaan-e-man! ;)
I fully understand the difference between ‘baad’ and ba’d.
What happened here is obvious --- I just left the original as it was, but I do agree with your observation and will comply.

Pursuing cuteness, what is this ba’d-e-saar? I mean, since when has ‘saar’ come to mean ‘safar’? ;)***

12) I believe the word should be i3tibaar/i'tibaar in the manner of iftixaar (another trivial point)

***Agreed, but frankly I myself could not figure out how to write this word correctly --- I mean, clearly.

I’ll definitely try to improve upon my transliteration of this word but, excuse me, I am not very much enthused by your exotic symbol ‘3’.***

13) dozax/dozaKh. I wonder why you have written "do_zaKh"?

***Once again, I just left the original as it was --- but I do agree with your observation, for all along I myself have been writing this word as ‘dozaKh’. So, I’ll go back and write it the way I always have.***

Thank you for your patience.

***Same to you!

Before closing, let me say that I’ll go back to my revised version of this poem and re-revise it in the light of your comments. I’ll come back with my final version in a day or two!

Khair-aNdesh (NOT andesh),
Raj Kumar***

Raj Kumar

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Jul 29, 2013, 5:58:03 PM7/29/13
to
On Saturday, July 27, 2013 10:11:18 PM UTC-7, Anil Kala wrote>

> In three parts, may be two parts made into three parts...
>
> http://kavitakosh.org/kk/%E0%A4%B0%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%AE%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%AF%E0%A4%A3_%E0%A4%95%E0%A4%BE_%E0%A4%8F%E0%A4%95_%E0%A4%B8%E0%A5%80%E0%A4%A8_/_%E0%A4%AC%E0%A5%83%E0%A4%9C_%E0%A4%A8%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%B0%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%AF%E0%A4%A3_%E0%A4%9A%E0%A4%95%E0%A4%AC%E0%A4%B8%E0%A5%8D%E0%A4%A4_/_%E0%A4%AD%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%97_%E0%A5%A7#.UfSnSNL-G8A
>
>
>
> http://kavitakosh.org/kk/%E0%A4%B0%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%AE%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%AF%E0%A4%A3_%E0%A4%95%E0%A4%BE_%E0%A4%8F%E0%A4%95_%E0%A4%B8%E0%A5%80%E0%A4%A8_/_%E0%A4%AC%E0%A5%83%E0%A4%9C_%E0%A4%A8%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%B0%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%AF%E0%A4%A3_%E0%A4%9A%E0%A4%95%E0%A4%AC%E0%A4%B8%E0%A5%8D%E0%A4%A4_/_%E0%A4%AD%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%97_%E0%A5%A8#.UfSnyNL-G8A
>
>
>
> http://kavitakosh.org/kk/%E0%A4%B0%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%AE%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%AF%E0%A4%A3_%E0%A4%95%E0%A4%BE_%E0%A4%8F%E0%A4%95_%E0%A4%B8%E0%A5%80%E0%A4%A8_/_%E0%A4%AC%E0%A5%83%E0%A4%9C_%E0%A4%A8%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%B0%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%AF%E0%A4%A3_%E0%A4%9A%E0%A4%95%E0%A4%AC%E0%A4%B8%E0%A5%8D%E0%A4%A4_/_%E0%A4%AD%E0%A4%BE%E0%A4%97_%E0%A5%A9#.UfSn6NL-G8A

*** janaab-e-Anil saahib:

Unfortunately, I could not open the link(s) you have provided. :(

In any case, I myself am not happy with the way some editors have broken this immortal poem into two parts --- or even three! :(

Please BE SPECIFIC and tell me which baNd, out of the total number of 33, should be in part 1, in part 2, in part 3 -------- or (even) in part4?

R.K.

Raj Kumar

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Jul 29, 2013, 6:41:11 PM7/29/13
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On Monday, July 29, 2013 10:10:20 AM UTC-7, vij...@gmail.com wrote:


On Monday, July 29, 2013 10:10:20 AM UTC-7, vij...@gmail.com wrote:

> Raj sahib, first of all thanks are due to you for taking on this mammoth task of transcribing, and so accurately and in the first attempt*, this beautiful poem. For me these stories of Ramayana and Mahabharata are mythical. If there is anything divine in these, then it is in the telling of these tales and in the original Sanaskrit, these must have been even richer. Now we have a segment of Ramayana imagined and interpreted in another masterly language, Urdu, and the effect is spellbinding. It adds to the allure and the mysticism of the story. I recommend that it be read aloud to really appreciate its beauty.

***Thanks for your comments, Vijay saahib. I totally agree with your "TA'ASSURAAT" re this poem --- for even I, in spite of being a totally irreligious person, was held in trance by the emotional impact of this poem.

You are absolutely right in saying that the fanciful and mythical stories we hear day in and day out are no more than just fanciful and mythical! But what matters most in these stories is the lesson they leave behind --- which, to a great extent, depends on who told the story and how!

By that criterion, the learned author of this poem has done a job which, by all means, can be regarded as SPLENDID!***

> My second thanks goes to Naseer sahib for his endless endavours to complete what has been incomplete in the past and in so doing, resurrecting this thread. I had missed it first time around, I think.

***No, Vijay saahib --- if you take the trouble of going back to that thread, you'll find a couple of entries by yourself! ;)***

>
> Above all, my thanks and congratulations go to Balvinder sahib who seems to have the key to all things rare and difficult to track down. He is a real asset.

*** This is a comment which, in my opinion, is fully justified!***
>
> *In the baNd number 27, should it be fikr-o-Ghaur? and not 'Ghair'?

***Agreed --- I'll correct it!

R.K.***


Naseer

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Jul 29, 2013, 6:50:23 PM7/29/13
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On Monday, 29 July 2013 22:58:03 UTC+1, Raj Kumar wrote:
>
> *** janaab-e-Anil saahib:
>
>
>
> Unfortunately, I could not open the link(s) you have provided. :(
>
>
>
> In any case, I myself am not happy with the way some editors have broken this immortal poem into two parts --- or even three! :(
>
>
>
> Please BE SPECIFIC and tell me which baNd, out of the total number of 33, should be in part 1, in part 2, in part 3 -------- or (even) in part4?
>
>
>
> R.K.

janaab-i-Raj Kumar SaaHib, aadaab 3arz hai.

I have opened the three links provided by Anil SaaHib. I printed them out and read them with care. The number of stanzas in this site is equivalent to what Balvinder SaaHib had provided, this number being 33. There are a large number of errors in this version but as a matter of interest, the word in Devanagri is written as bihal, if I remember rightly but I shall double check again.

Naseer

Naseer

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Jul 29, 2013, 8:10:57 PM7/29/13
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On Monday, 29 July 2013 22:19:11 UTC+1, Raj Kumar wrote:

>
> 1) ki/kii, ka/kaa, hu'a/hu'aa, sa/saa, etc. are the kind of changes which only those people will appreciate who are aware of the concept of vazn. In Urdu mode of writing itself, this is not taken into account and is left to the discerning reader.
>
>
>
> ***The notation I have used here makes good sense to those who are familiar with the matters of “vazn” and is also useful for those who are interested in furthering their knowledge of such matters; in fact, no one can deny the fact that the issue of ‘vazn’ is awesomely crucial to the composition of Urdu poetry. For those who are impervious to this basic fact, it doesn’t matter whether I write “kaa” or “ka” --- for they’ll read one the same way as the other. So, my scheme does have the potential of benefitting some --- at the same time, hurting no one.***

I have no problem following your line of thought.


> 2) What is the reason for writing "aek" and not "ek" in the manner of nek. If your spelling is indicative of alif, ye, kaaf then if one were to be hyper-correct, it ought to be "'ek" where the apostrophe is a hamzah. This would be one of the trivial points I've mentioned earlier.
>
>
>
> *** I don’t mind it one way or the other --- though, in my opinion, “aek” does better justice to the letter ‘alif’ than does “ek”. Your hyper-correct alternative, I am sorry to say, has no appeal for me because, in my book, no Urdu word starts with a hamzah --- not even one!***

I was merely pointing to what would be linguistically the hyper-correct form and was not expecting you or anyone else to write "ek" as "'ek". I still feel your writing "aek" is illogical and "ek" would be the obvious choice but we shall agree to disagree. Any alif that is not an alif-i-mamduudah is technically speaking a hamzah but that is another story and we will not dwell on it.

> 3) There is no nasal in junbish/jumbish.
>
>
>
> ***Agreed that the pronunciation of ‘n’ here is very much like ‘m’, so I’ll write this (and all such words) with an ‘n’ and not ‘N’.***

Thank you for the agreement.

> 4) shadaa'id and not shadaayad, once again the apostrophe is a hamzah. c.f. favaa'id.
>
>
>
> ***I just left the original as it was, but I do agree with your observation and will comply***.

Thank you once again.

> 5) kyooN should replace kiyooN
>
>
>
> ***Platts agrees with you ------ so should I.***

It's the end result that matters and not the route taken. :-) Some will say that the word is actually "kyoN" but we will not argue over this minor detail.

> 6) All these should not have N as nasal. andhaa, anjaam, band, mand, gazand, pasand
>
>
>
> ***In my opinion, the sound of ‘n’ in all these words is indeed nasal but, unfortunately, most Urdu-vaalaas don’t get it! ☹
>
>
>
> Huzoor, lafz “andhaa” meiN harf ‘noon’ ki aavaaz voh naheeN hai jo lafz “anarth” meiN hai. is ke pronunciation meiN, ‘n’ ki aavaaz khanaktii naheeN, naak ke aNdar reh jaati hai. yihii vajah hai k dev-naagari rasm-ul-Khat meiN aise alfaaz ko “poore na” ke saath naheeN likkha jaata, “aadhe na” ke saath likkha jaata hai. yaa phir, depending on the structure of the word, kabhi kabhi aek bindi yaa aek ‘chandrama” ke nishaan se kaam liyaa jaata hai.
>

I too have some familiarity with Devanagri. The very fact that a word is written with a half n implies that it is an n and not a N. All this means is that the "n" is not followed by a vowel but a consonant. As for the use of the anusvara, it is employed relatively freely to depict both the nasal consonants (including m and n) but also for nasal vowels. This is mainly due to printers attempting to avoid clustering the top of the horizontal line.

> goyaa, yeh aavaaz “noon-Ghunna” jaisi hi hai go k Urdu vaale is aavaaz ko tabhi nasal kehte haiN jab k ‘n’ se pehle aek vowel sound ho!
>
>
>
> agarche maiN, har lihaaz se, Urdu vaalaa hooN magar, is mu’aamile meiN, maiN Hindi vaaloN ke husn-e-imtiyaaz ki qadr kartaa hooN aur aise naazuk maqaamaat par symbol ‘N’ hi ko ravaa samajhtaa hooN --- until I invent a brand new symbol for this sound!
>
>
>
> In any case, Naseer saahib, if I can manage to live with your symbol ‘3a’ for harf ‘ain’, you should be able to live with my ‘N’ in a word like ‘chhaNd’! ***

I am not asking anyone to "live" with my 3, which I am using to let Devanagri users know that there is a consonant there in a word , e.g ba3z (some) and not "baaz" (open/falcoln). The "N" in "chaaND" is fine because it is a nasal vowel and in Devanagri it should be depicted by a chandra-bindu and not by using an anusvara. But you do know that this convention is not adhered to and you'll often see chaaNd spelt with an anusvara.


> 7)bi-hil is Persian for "chhoR" and not Arabic. Does this rhyme with "ajal"? I am not convinced that it is "bi-hil". Could the word be "bihal"? I think there is an entry in Platts for this.
>
>
>
> ***I don’t remember when and where I first heard this word, but Platts does have an entry under “biHil” as a Persian word and it does mean “pardon”!
>
>
>
> Now look at the misr’a in question:
>
>
>
> taqseer meri Khaaliq-e-aalam ???? kare
>
>
>
> See how nicely the word “pardon” fits here!
>
>
>
> So, I strongly feel that the word in question is indeed the one I have suggested and, hopefully, it has an alternative pronunciation “biHal”, which will serve all purposes --- including the rhyming with “ajal”!
>
>
>
> So, for the time being, I’ll go with “biHal” and leave a question mark there to be resolved later!***

"bi-hil" from. "bi-hil" is the imperative from the Persian verb "hishtan/hiliidan"

هلیدن hilīdan, To dismiss, abandon, quit, leave; to omit; to place.

This is what Steingass has for its entry.

a بحل biḥil, ba-ḥil (for A. bi-ḥill), بحلی biḥilī, Pardon, remission, absolution.

In the Devanagri version, I've checked and it has "bahal". One can conclude that the word is "biHil" but "-al" in "ajal" does n't rhyme with "-il". Perhaps this is a poetic licence.

> 8) laa-Hiq (not laa-Haq...(I think you've used that in your preamble)
>
>
>
> ***Agreed***
>
>
>
> 9) parvardigaar in place of parvardagaar. Again quite trivial.
>
>
>
> ***Platts prefers the latter over the former; he even calls “parvardigaar” vulgar!
>
>
>
> So, I’ll go with “parvardagaar”.***

That's fine. "Dehkhoda" gives "parvardgaar"/"parvardagaar"/"parvardigaar".


> 10) ranj and not raNj, zindagii and not ziNdagii
>
>
>
> ***The same answer as in question 6).***

I have already given my stance. We shall once again agree to disagree.

> 11) Is it baad-e-safar (The breeze of journey) or ba'd-e-saar (After the journey)?
>
>
>
> ***Don’t try to be cute, jaan-e-man! ;)
>
> I fully understand the difference between ‘baad’ and ba’d.
>
> What happened here is obvious --- I just left the original as it was, but I do agree with your observation and will comply.
>
>
>
> Pursuing cuteness, what is this ba’d-e-saar? I mean, since when has ‘saar’ come to mean ‘safar’? ;)***

"saar" is the verb for "walking", whence we get "sair"!:-)

> 12) I believe the word should be i3tibaar/i'tibaar in the manner of iftixaar (another trivial point)
>
>
>
> ***Agreed, but frankly I myself could not figure out how to write this word correctly --- I mean, clearly.
>
>
>
> I’ll definitely try to improve upon my transliteration of this word but, excuse me, I am not very much enthused by your exotic symbol ‘3’.***

Well, this is all in the eye of the beholder, as they say! :-)

> 13) dozax/dozaKh. I wonder why you have written "do_zaKh"?
>
>
>
> ***Once again, I just left the original as it was --- but I do agree with your observation, for all along I myself have been writing this word as ‘dozaKh’. So, I’ll go back and write it the way I always have.***
>
>
>
> Thank you for your patience.
>
>
>
> ***Same to you!
>
>
>
> Before closing, let me say that I’ll go back to my revised version of this poem and re-revise it in the light of your comments. I’ll come back with my final version in a day or two!
>
>
>
> Khair-aNdesh (NOT andesh),
>
> Raj Kumar***

Thank you and I hope that you and other friends appreciate that all this is for the sake of accuracy and NOT an exercise in finding faults.

Naseer

Naseer

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Jul 29, 2013, 11:13:01 PM7/29/13
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Looking further, through my xurdbiin.............

Stanza 2, line 3 "baiThii" and not "baithii"

Stanza 23 first line instead of "ke", it should be "pih"

Please create a gap between stanzas 23 and 24.

In stanza 25, is it "vaapsii" or "vaapasii"?

Stanza 26, "zindah" and not "ziNdaa"

Stanza 29 "va'de" and not "va'ade" (Perhaps, this is your convention, but after 3ain there should be no vowel)

Same again for stanza 31..ta'ne and not ta'ane.

Stanza 32 ma'suum and not ma'asuum (I am beginning to think this is your convention)

Stanza 33 Dashrath. I am assuming you are using a D as it is a place name but it is "dashrath".

xair-andesh,

Naseer

vij...@gmail.com

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Jul 30, 2013, 12:04:37 PM7/30/13
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Naseer sahib, aadaab: Apologies for butting in in this dialogue between you and Raj sahib, but this topic of transcribing Urdu in Roman is my pet peeve too. It seems there are two ways of doing it. (I am repeating myself I know, but I think it is worth repeating every now and then). First is more a phonetic way whereby one uses the existing Roman numerals for their approximate sound (as they sound in English language) to represent Urdu alphabet sounds. This is the method that I prefer and find it user friendly. I have never had any difficulty understanding Raj sahib's, Afzal sahib's, Zafar sahib's, Zoya sahiba's and various other people's posts based upon such a method.
Second is the method where one tries to find a specific letter,(and now, god forbid, digits!) some that don't even come close to the original sound, X for Kh for instance, to represent an exact equivalent of an Urdu letter. This is the purists' method and although, it no doubt adds to the accuracy of 'spelling' the word, it also, in my opinion, makes it less user friendly. As if one needs an 'enigma machine' to break all the codes. As a result, I have noticed that I am inclined a little less now to read your long posts, just because it takes me longer. And it is my loss because I so value your informative posts. Sarwar sahib had also devised a similar schema and I find that too more cumbersome. Same with Ali Minai sahib's scheme of transcribing.

I know that when you see va'ada, you see it as if it has been mis-spelt. I have no such problem, because I know what the word is, and how it is written and pronounced in Urdu and (in this particular case, how it is spelt.)

Hope we are still friends:-)

Regards,

Vijay

PS: dashraTh (not DashraTh, as you correctly point out),BTW, is the name of Rama's father.



Raj Kumar

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Jul 30, 2013, 12:05:59 PM7/30/13
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janaab-e-Naseer saahib:

Thanks for an excellent use of your Khurd-biin. My response to your queries is as follows:

{{{Stanza 2, line 3 "baiThii" and not "baithii"

Stanza 23 first line instead of "ke", it should be "pih"

Please create a gap between stanzas 23 and 24.

In stanza 25, is it "vaapsii" or "vaapasii"?

Stanza 26, "zindah" and not "ziNdaa"}}}

I agree with all of the above!

--------------

{{{Stanza 29 "va'de" and not "va'ade" (Perhaps, this is your convention, but after 3ain there should be no vowel)

Same again for stanza 31..ta'ne and not ta'ane.

Stanza 32 ma'suum and not ma'asuum (I am beginning to think this is your convention)}}}

Writing a'a does proper justice to the vazn of the word, which a' alone doesn't. That is why!

{{{Stanza 33 Dashrath. I am assuming you are using a D as it is a place name but it is "dashrath".}}}

Dashrath is not the name of a place; it is Ram's father's name. So, a capital D is more appropriate than a non-capital one.

I'll now go back to the task of re-revising the text of this immortal nazm!

Raj Kumar

Naseer

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Jul 30, 2013, 1:39:28 PM7/30/13
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Vijay SaaHib, aadaab 3arz hai.

My exchanges with Raj Kumar SaaHib have been purely from the perspective of accuracy of transliteration and that too to show respect and give justice to the author of the poem and his creation.

Frankly, it matters not to me what method or scheme an individual uses with the improviser that it should accurately reflect the written word..as far as possible. I accept that Sarwar SaaHib's transliteration method may not be everyone's cup of tea and I too found Ali Minai saaHib's transliteration quite painful to the eye!

I am sorry to read that my addition of x for Kh/KH and 3 for the 3ain (usually an apostrophe but this is also used for hamzah) has caused you to avoid reading my posts to some extent. The fact of the matter is that I was familiar with the phonetic use of x a long long time ago when I purchased Grahame Bailey's Teach Your Self Urdu (originally called Teach Yourself Hindustani when it was first published in 1950..before my time!). He used x for Kh/KH as in xaraab. The numerals are phonetic symbols used to represent those sounds which have no equivalents in most other languages.Every time you see a 3 in a word, it will send a message into your mind that there is an 3ain in the word and not an alif. The most obvious example is ba3d which I am used to reading as baad in this News Group. And you know that ba3d and baad are two different words!

Vijay SaaHib, however much annoying your system of transliteration might be, we are indeed still friends!:-)

Naseer

Naseer

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Aug 1, 2013, 7:04:06 PM8/1/13
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One more possible change, janaab-i-Raj Kumar SaaHib, although I might be completely wrong.

aaKhir hai umr, hai ye meraa waqt-e-vaapsii
kyaa aitbaar, aaj huuN duniya meN kal nahiiN
lekin vo din bhii aayegaa, is dil ko hai yaqiiN
sochoge jab, ki rotii thii kyoN maadar-e-haziiN
aulaad jab kabhii tumheN suurat dikhaaegii
fariyaad is Ghariib kii tab yaad aaegii

Should the word be "vaapasiiN" in the first misra3?

Naseer

Raj Kumar

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Aug 1, 2013, 8:03:33 PM8/1/13
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***solah aanne durust, Sir!

In fact, I have already corrected it in the re-revised version of the poem --- which, unfortunately, is still incomplete.

I wish someone could tell me which baNds belong to Part One, Part Two or Part Three. Left to me, I would break the poem into four parts!

R.K.***

Naseer

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Aug 1, 2013, 11:57:15 PM8/1/13
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Allow me to be that someone, Raj Kumar SaaHib.

What Anil Kala SaaHib has provided consists of the poem divided into three parts, 12 + 10 + 11 stanzas. What you have typed out, with stanza numbers has a logical division of 22 + 11 stanzas, stanza number 23 being Raam's mother's response to him. In my opinion the poem can be left like this.

Naseer

Naseer

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Aug 2, 2013, 11:01:00 PM8/2/13
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Raj Kumar SaaHib, for what it's worth, in Kanda's "Masterpieces of Urdu Nazm", the word given is "baHal" with a clear zabar over both be and He.

Naseer

Naseer

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Aug 4, 2013, 7:35:54 PM8/4/13
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Janaab-i-Raj Kumar SaaHib,

Yesterday I came across this shi3r by Mus_Hafi. I hope I am copying it correctly.

roz-i-nau-roz kare kyoN nah diloN ko saiqal
3aks-i-xurshiid se hai ruu-kash-i-aaiinah xajal

As you know, the word is actually xajil. So, I am assuming this kind of licence must exist in Urdu poetry. Likewise, baHil > baHal.

Naseer

Raj Kumar

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Aug 4, 2013, 9:52:52 PM8/4/13
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-------------

***janaab-e-Naseer saahib:

Temperamentally, I do not buy this idea of “poetic license”, especially in Urdu poetry; in my opinion, a word used in Urdu poetry is either right or wrong --- not in-between!

In any case, aap ke haaliya savaal par arz hai k ba-taur-e-noun the correct word is “Khajal”, whereas ba-taur-e-adjective it is Khajil.

chooN-k, Mus_Hafi ke she’r meN maqaam adjective ka hai, is liye yahaaN Khajil hona chaahiye. However, you never know --- may be, some standard dictionary may allow this adjective to be Khajal!

After all, we did find Steingas to allow the word biHal!

Khair-aNdesh, Raj Kumar

Naseer

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Aug 5, 2013, 2:03:35 PM8/5/13
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janaab-i-Raj Kumar SaaHib.

As you have indicated, in this shi3r the word ought to be xajil, an adjective meaning "abashed" whereas xajal is the noun (bashfulness). So, why is saiqal rhyming with xajil? This is the reason I thought there might be some sort of poetic licence that I am not aware of. On second thought

Would you rhyme ba3d, for example with baad or la3l with laal?

Naseer

Raj Kumar

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Aug 5, 2013, 7:31:12 PM8/5/13
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***No, I'll NEVER rhyme ba'ad with baad or la'al with laal or, for that matter, saiqal with Khajil. :)

All I said in my last post was that may be, just may be, the adjective here has an alternative pronunciation, Khajal, as well that we are not aware of. If Mus_hafii has rhymed these two words, he must have had a concrete basis for doing so ---- and that basis, I hope, wasn't just 'poetic license'!

The case of biHal, Naseer saahib, was different --- there, we did find in some standard dictionary the desired pronunciation. Here, we are still in the dark!

Raj Kumar

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