Ghazal: ik din to merI jAn satAnE ke li'E A
Roshan Kamath
found that I was able to put my thoughts to this better than to the one
in AGJH[5] ... Since ALUPers think there is too much 'noise' on this
channel, I thought why not post this and solicit comments. Nominally I
would re-furbish each verse for some months - but these circumstances
are different!
Based on the zamIn of Ahmad Faraz's "ra.NjiSh hi sahI ...". The overall
mood is supposed to be slightly tongue-in-cheek sarcastic.
The current matla` gives the impression that the rhyme scheme is "atAnE
ke li'E A". I've to fix that in the future.
rosh
----
1.
ik din to merI jAn satAnE ke li'E A
hO yU.n hi sahI, pyAr jatAnE ke li'E A
2.
tU mujHse KhafA ab nahi.n, sab kal ki tHi.n bAtE.n;
aEsI ko'i ummId dilAnE ke li'E A
3.
ik riShtaH-e ummId sahI bA`is-e taskIn;
lEkin ko'i ummId dilAnE ke li'E A !?
4.
gar ChAh hae hAsil ho tujHE zaOq-e muhabbat
dil tEr(A), merE dil se milAnE ke li'E A
5.
dil TUT hi jA'E na, magar zid yeH hae, _raOShan_
"A pHir se mujHE ChHOR ke jAnE ke li'E A"
Rejects:
--------
6.
laOTA hu.n terE dar se mae.n dar_hAl-e Shikastah
ab nAm hi bAqI hae miTAnE ke li'E A
UVR
Interesting exercise you have indulged in, here. I will perhaps
come back to comment on the rest of your Ghazal at a later time
when I have more than a few rushed moments to spend on ALUP. For
now, just one quick, fleeting comment on the sh'er below:
Roshan Kamath wrote:
>
> 4.
> gar ChAh hae hAsil ho tujHE zaOq-e muhabbat
> dil tEr(A), merE dil se milAnE ke li'E A
The second misr'a is, I believe, not quite idiomatically passe.
One must say "dil *apnaa* mere dil se milaane ke liye aa",
shouldn't one?
Regards,
-UVR.
Roshan Kamath
> > dil tEr(A), merE dil se milAnE ke li'E A
>
> The second misr'a is, I believe, not quite idiomatically passe.
> One must say "dil *apnaa* mere dil se milaane ke liye aa",
> shouldn't one?
Well, according to the 'correct' & 'fasIh' urdU that we speak in Bombay
(haha!), the tErA is the *perfect* choice :-p No, seriously, you may
very well be correct. (Although, I associate the semantics of "own"
with apnA - as opposed to simply "mine", "your", or "his"; as in "hu.n
maE.n hi apn(A) hamnafas"). I'll definitely think about/investigate
into this.
Looking fwd to more comments from you when you get the chance,
rosh
C.Naseem
There is child like innocence in your kalam. No heavy duty tassavur no
heavy duty raNj-o-Gham, plain curiosity. I would say, you should do it
more often. On the other hand there is a certain lack of intensity. I
suggest that you should sit down once in a while all by yourself and
intently watch the setting sun or fluttering clothes or such similar
inanity and feel passionately about it.
Ciyaah Naseem
Raz
aap kee Ghazal dekh` kar Khushee huyee! sochaa keh maiN bh`ee apnee
:do-kauRee kee: (=two cent's worth!) baat a'rZ^ kartaa chalooN. paRh`ne
meN to harj naheeN hai! maaneN yaa nah maaneN, is kaa aap ko iKhtiyaar
hai aur hameshah rahe gaa!
------------------------
ik din to miree jaan sataane ke liYe aa
ho yooN hee sahee, pyaar jataane ke liYe aa!
pehlaa miSra' to Th`eek hai lekin doosraa :ho yooN hee sahee: kee vajh
se "laNgRaa rahaa hai"! ek shakl yeh mumkin hai:
aa ph`ir se miree jaan sataane ke liYe aa (yaa)
ai jaan-e-jahaaN! jaan jalaane ke liYe aa!
jh`ooTaa hee sahee! pyaar jataane ke liYe aa!
----------------------------------
too mujh` se Khafaa ab naheeN sab kal kee th`eeN baateN
aisee koyee ummeed dilaane ke liYe aa!
she'r pasand aayaa. daad qubool keejiYe. haaN, :Khafaa ab naheeN: ko
Zaraa :zor-daar: banaane meN harj naheeN hai:
too mujh` se Khafaa kab hai, yeh sab kal kee haiN baateN!
aisee koyee ummeed dilaane ke liYe aa!
---------------------------------
ik rishtah-e-ummeed sahee baa,ic-e-taskeen
lekin koyee ummeed dilaane ke liYe aa
pehle miSre' kee bunat (construct) kamzor hai. doosree baat yeh keh aap
ne donoN asha'ar meN :ummeed: dilaane kee baat duhraayee hai. agar
andaaz Zaraa saa badal deN to behtar ho gaa. is ko yooN bh`ee keh sakte
haiN.
kab rishtah-e-ummeed huwaa baa,ic-e-taskeen
ph`ir bh`ee koyee ummeed dilaane ke liYe aa
------------------------
gar chaah hai HaaSil ho tujh`e Zauq-e-muHabbat
dil teraa mire dil se milaane ke liYe aa!
gustaaKhee mu,a'af! pehlaa miSra' bohat ulajh` gayaa hai aur :chaah
hai: doosre :mushkil aur faSeeH: alfaaz^ (jaise :Zauq-e-muHabbat) ke
saath` kh`ap naheeN paayaa hai. she'r meN she'riyat kee kamee bh`ee
meHsoos ho rahee hai. ek baat aur hai: SaHeeH muHaavirah :dil apnaa: ho
gaa nah keh :dil teraa:! "Bambaiyyaa Urdu" meN shaai'ree kareN to
pooree Ghazal hee aise likh`eN! mazaa aa jaaYe gaa. kyaa Khayaal hai?
kyaa cheez hai yeh Zauq-e-muHabbat, maiN bataa,ooN
dil apnaa mire dil se milaane ke liYe aa!
-----------------------------------------
dil TooT hee jaaYe nah, magar Z^id yeh hai "Roshan"
"aa ph`ir se mujh`e ch`oR ke jaane ke liYe aa!"
aap ke she'r kaa muKhaatib :Roshan: hai! ya'nee :ai Roshan! mujh`e Z^id
hai keh too mujh`e ph`ir se ch`oR ke jaane ke liYe aa!: meraa Khayaal
hai keh yeh aap kee niyyat naheeN hai! agar aap kisee t^araH se keh
sakte keh :Roshan kee yeh Z^id hai: to baat aur hee hotee. kuch` aise:
dil TooT hee jaaYe magar "Roshan" kee yeh Z^id hai
"aa ph`ir se mujh`e ch`oR ke jaane ke liYe aa!"
-----------------------------------
lauTaa hooN tire dar se maiN dar Haal-e-shikastah
ab naam hee baaqee hai, miTaane ke liYe aa!
is she'r kaa Khayaal to bohat u'mdah hai. ma'loom naheeN kyoN aap ne is
ko :reject: kar diyaa! albattah muHaavirah :dar Haal-e-shikastah:
naheeN bal.k :baa-Haal-e-shikastah: ziyaadah SaHeeH hai. yooN keh sakte
haiN:
lauTaa hooN tire koochehse baa-Haal-e-shikastah (yaa)
lauTaa hooN tiree bazm se baa-Haal-e-shikastah
ab naam hee baaqee hai, miTaane ke liYe aa! (yaa)
bas naam ko zindah hooN, miTaane ke liYe aa!
========================
ummeed hai keh sab :kushal-mangal: ho gaa!
Sarwar A. Raz "Sarwar"
Roshan Kamath
Hope you are doing well too!
I can't tell you how pleased I'm to receive your
comments! I totally agree with you all the way through
- infact, you have commented on some of those very
points which had been troubling me no end for some days
now. BTW, though you say that your advice is ''two
cent's worth'', from this side of the world - it is
invaluable! Thanks so much for the islAh. A few
comments inline:
> ik din to miree jaan sataane ke liYe aa
> ho yooN hee sahee, pyaar jataane ke liYe aa!
>
> pehlaa miSra' to Th`eek hai lekin doosraa :ho yooN hee sahee: kee vajh
> se "laNgRaa rahaa hai"! ek shakl yeh mumkin hai:
>
> aa ph`ir se miree jaan sataane ke liYe aa (yaa)
> ai jaan-e-jahaaN! jaan jalaane ke liYe aa!
> jh`ooTaa hee sahee! pyaar jataane ke liYe aa!
The "jHUTA hi sahI" line accurately fits the intent of
my original thought! It is almost as if you read my mind!
> too mujh` se Khafaa ab naheeN sab kal kee th`eeN baateN
> aisee koyee ummeed dilaane ke liYe aa!
>
> she'r pasand aayaa. daad qubool keejiYe. haaN, :Khafaa ab naheeN: ko
> Zaraa :zor-daar: banaane meN harj naheeN hai:
>
> too mujh` se Khafaa kab hai, yeh sab kal kee haiN baateN!
> aisee koyee ummeed dilaane ke liYe aa!
Thanks for 'fixing' the first line - I too was not
satisfied with the general appearance of the misra` -
but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. I think
you correctly identified what was wrong ...
> "Bambaiyyaa Urdu" meN shaai'ree kareN to
> pooree Ghazal hee aise likh`eN! mazaa aa jaaYe gaa. kyaa Khayaal hai?
:) KhayAl aChCHHA haE! :) Actually, this Ghazal was
entirely in Bambaiiya urdU, except for the words bA`is
and taskIn!! But mebbe you mean the style they depict
in movies?: "bOlE tO, tum apun kO satAnE kE vAstE ArElA
haE kiH na'I.n?" Yeah, that would be a fun project.
> lauTaa hooN tire dar se maiN dar Haal-e-shikastah
> ab naam hee baaqee hai, miTaane ke liYe aa!
>
> is she'r kaa Khayaal to bohat u'mdah hai. ma'loom naheeN kyoN aap ne is
> ko :reject: kar diyaa! albattah muHaavirah :dar Haal-e-shikastah:
> naheeN bal.k :baa-Haal-e-shikastah: ziyaadah SaHeeH hai. yooN keh sakte
> haiN:
>
> lauTaa hooN tire koochehse baa-Haal-e-shikastah (yaa)
> lauTaa hooN tiree bazm se baa-Haal-e-shikastah
> ab naam hee baaqee hai, miTaane ke liYe aa! (yaa)
> bas naam ko zindah hooN, miTaane ke liYe aa!
Yep - this one was in the rejects due to "dar hAl-e
Shikastah", otherwise I like the thought actually.
Thanks so much for pointing me to the right idiom - and
for getting this one straightened out.
A billion thanks again for taking your valuable time
and providing islAh. This means a lot,
rosh
Roshan Kamath
Kala Sb., And here I was actually expecting a scathing
critical review from you! :) As for your 'advice' on
fluttering clothes and ilk, I'm afraid those are not
the things I find passion in. And the maqta` I thought
was quite 'intense' in itself.
Thanks for taking a look and for the commentary. Much
pleased.
rosh
Yogesh
Thank you for posting an interesting Ghazal. You have already received
a good review from Sarwar Sahib - if such a good critique is worth
'do kau.Rii', as per his own description, I wonder what an
'ashrafii' or two will bring - to find out, we just have to wait
till he is in a more generous mood!
I looked at your first couplet and immediately the idea 'kuchh
nahii.n hai to adaavat hii sahii', seemed like a good compliment to
the first line of your couplet. But I could not figure out how to make
it fit. As I was struggling, another line popped into my mind, and this
one appears to fitl:
ik din to miree jaan sataane ke liYe aa
kuchh aur na de dil, to jalaane ke liYe aa!
Does it work, is the meter OK. What do you think.
Regards,
Yogesh
Roshan Kamath
> I looked at your first couplet and immediately the idea 'kuchh
> nahii.n hai to adaavat hii sahii', seemed like a good compliment to
> the first line of your couplet. But I could not figure out how to make
> it fit. As I was struggling, another line popped into my mind, and this
> one appears to fitl:
>
> ik din to miree jaan sataane ke liYe aa
> kuchh aur na de dil, to jalaane ke liYe aa!
>
> Does it work, is the meter OK. What do you think.
The meter is definitely fine. But I'm not quite certain what the second
line intends to mean - mebbe I'm reading it wrong. I agree though that
the "kuChH nahI.n haE to `adAvat hi sahI" sentiment is a good companion
to the first line! I'll see if I can get something like that in place
too.
Thanks so much for taking a look at the tukbandI.
rosh