.·´¯`·-> FUNNY! It's HUMOR TIME! #1 (PostID:1389860)
URYaKnow
| | __ __|_) |
| | | | __ `__ \ _ \ __| | | __ `__ \ _ \ |
___ | | | | | | ( | | | | | | | __/_|
_| _|\__,_|_| _| _|\___/ _| _| _|_| _| _|\___|_)
| | _ |
_ |_ |_| |
_ |_ |_| |
_| _| _|
Welcome to HumorTime! #1 - "The good, The bad and... THE HILARIOUS?"
Hi guys! I decided to create this humor-zine because:
a.- I was bored.
b.- I didn't want to setup a website for it (too much responsibility!)
c.- Wanted to share some fun with others!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some non-popular sites/software I like:
(Well, Haven't seen them on the news, radio, TV or such, so I assume
they are not THAT popular!)
http://vlsideas.com/vlsaccelerate/
-*/ FREE Internet Accelerator that works. I'm on a 256KBPS using
Internet Explorer and works a treat!. If it's free and does the
trick, I like it!.
http://www.gnosis-usa.com/
-*/ Make something with your life!.
http://www.byroncs.nsw.edu.au/library/science/index2.htm
-*/ Some culture won't hurt!
uranus_...@hotmail.com
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor time!
To do in School:
- Introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and
ask for noone to sit on his erection.
- Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously whenever to professor passes by
and ask loud: "Has anyone been drinking?".
- Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of
your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
- If your professor happens to be of your oppositte sex, stare
continually at his/her crotch. Occassionally lick your lips. Watch
the reaction.
- Interrupt every few minutes whenever you heard a hard-to-pronounce
word to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
- Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" drop some pieces right in front
of the seat of *that* girl wearing skirt... Go on furtive expeditions
to retrieve the pieces.
- Wink at the professor every few minutes. Any questions asked, your
eyes are very sensitive to surrounding dust.
- Perfume your papers with catnip. Explain that such was to keep your
dog from eating it.
- Turn in a letter you wrote to your cousin instead of your paper.
When the teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have
gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the
paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia,
so it might take a while. (Nice way to get an extension)
- When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate
cake in the middle and see if the professor ask you about it when
returning the paper.
- Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w's whenevew
you weawwy want to type r's ow l's.
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
To make your neighbour move:
- Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their
doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone.
- Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why
say, "Mine are full of bodies", then stutter and say, "-Sh*t!... I
mean... other garbage," walk away punching your head repeating
"Stupid, Stupid!".
- When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit
down with popcorn and a drink and ask them if they could open the
window so you can hear too.
- Use an universal TV remote to change the channels on their TV from
outside. If asked why, say you protest such programs and if they have
any problem with that, better move.
- Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbors. Each day hack off a
different part of their body. Scream loud tagged name while ripping
it off!.
- As a last resort, turn your house into a FULL-DAY drummers school.
Make sure you don't miss a night without inviting local drummers to
motivate students. Book them until 3:00 a.m.
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with
a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use
lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after
they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the
mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She
called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
custodian.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem
for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day. To
demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the
custodian to clean one of the mirrors.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and
then cleaned the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
FREAKING YOUR ROOMMATE OUT:
- Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so,
look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon....".
- Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them
tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate
in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? won't be here much
longer".
- Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?".
- Start a collection of dead animals. It can be anything from ants to
chickens... Just be sure to remark how wondered you are at DEATH.
- Have a box with tiny recipients holding colored liquids. No matter
what the liquids are, don't forget to label them with names such as
"arsenic", "chloroform"...
- When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and
yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.
- Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the
mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately
put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
- Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time
your roommate goes to take a shower, whisper things such as: "So,
your gonna take a shower...".
- Keep a visible calendar on your wall. For everyday which goes on
write: "Not been today".
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Mother-Stickers
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,
"FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F*CK-UP!" For a moment, everyone
was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it
and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd
been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before
the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory
of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved
"Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a f*ck-up!".
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Siphon Gas
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a
Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police
arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor
home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man
admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into
the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle
declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever
had.
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Mom, mon...
Mom, everyone in the classroom says i'm a liar.
- Shut up son, you are not even going to school.
Mom, what's the name of that german guy who always blows grandma's
mind?
- Alzheimer son, Alzheimer.
Mom, where's granny? Really wanna go peepee!
- She's sleeping son, I'll go with you.
Nooo!, Your hand doesn't shake.
Mom, is granny a mechanic?
- NO.
Then, why is she lying down that car?.
(At christmas, a ten year old girl says..)
Mom I'm not a virgin anymore!.
- Holy cow, how could you freaking whore! You are grounded for a full
month, no TV, one meal a day and absolutelly no contact with your
friends. Holy cow! I waited 'till I was eighteen!.
Buahh... I'm sorry mom, If I knew this was going to upset you that
way, I would never ever changed from performing virgin mary at the
school's play.
Mom, please calm dad, he's throwing everything away through the
windoooooooooo
Mom, does apples come with a string attached?
-NO son.
Oh no! Then I just swallowed a YO-YO!
Mom, the milkman is here again, do you have money this time or shall I
go now and play outside?
Mom, why did you married daddy?
- Because of you.
Mom, I hurt my finger!
- Blow it a bit and the pain will go away.
Ok, as soon as I find it, I'll blow it.
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\
Hope you liked the stuff above, 'till the next HumorTime!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some non-popular sites/software I like:
(Well, Haven't seen them on the news, radio, TV or such, so I assume
they are not THAT popular!)
http://vlsideas.com/vlsaccelerate/
-*/ FREE Internet Accelerator that works. I'm on a 256KBPS using
Internet Explorer and works a treat!. If it's free and does the
trick, I like it!.
http://www.gnosis-usa.com/
-*/ Make something with your life!.
http://www.byroncs.nsw.edu.au/library/science/index2.htm
-*/ Some science won't hurt!
uranus_...@hotmail.com
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2182553