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The Night of the King's Castration
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Fred
Mar 18, 2013, 11:53:46 PM3/18/13
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'Twas the Night of the King's Castration: the last of the Royal Balls was coming off.
All the counts, discounts and no-'ccounts were sitting around the throne room
slinging camel-shit, for in those days, bull-shit was as yet unknown.
A noise was heard in the courtyard and in came Daniel on his gallant white steed,
with his balls slung over his shoulder. "What ho!" cried the King. "Ass-hole!"
replied Daniel, thus scoring an early point for the common people.
At this, the Queen dashed madly through the court with her drawers at half-mast, and
her ass shining like a looking-glass in the moonlight.
Hilarious now, the King offered Daniel the post of second-in-command. "But what of
the Queen?" asked Daniel. "Oh, fuck the Queen!" replied the King, and 50,000 loyal
courtiers were killed in the rush, for in those days the King's word was law, and the
King ruled with an iron hand.
Upon seeing such mass slaughter, the King in exasperation exclaimed, "Oh, shit!"; and
all 50,000 remaining loyal courtiers dropped their drawers and squatted on their
haunches and strained and grunted in unison, for in those days the King's word was
law and the King ruled with an iron hand.
"Stop!" cried the Queen, thinking of the royal carpet. The King called "Halt!" and
49,999 loyal butt-holes snapped shut with a stately click, and 49,999 glistening
turds were nipped, gently steaming in the morning air, all save for that of Daniel,
who proceeded to lay one two cubits wide by one cubit high by three cubits long.
The King was sore affronted, and ordered Daniel thrown into the lions' den for three
days and three nights, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled
with an iron hand.
And here was Daniel, in the midst of all those roaring, snarling beasts --- but of
course, you could easily recognize Daniel by the large green parasol that he always
carried.
On the first day, the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh Queen, I am in need
of some tea!" and the Queen asked, "What manner of tea?" Daniel replied, "C-U-N-T!"
And the Queen departed.
On the second day the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh Queen, I am in need
of some pills!" and the Queen asked, "What manner of pills?" Daniel replied,
"NIP-PILLS!" And the Queen departed.
Again on the third day, the King came unto Daniel, but it had come to pass that on
the morning of the third day, Daniel had shat a great shit, and the lions were sore
affronted. Almost all of them had thenceforth kept their distance from Daniel. But
one of the lions took a liking to Daniel's left nut, and began to munch upon it. "Oh,
it tickles, it tickles!" cried Daniel. "What tickles?" asked the King. "TES-TICKLES!"
roared Daniel, thereby scoring another point for the common people. Upon hearing
this, all the ladies in the courtyard took out their tits and tittered.
Then the lion crouched as if to spring, but instead laid a big turd. This amused the
King, and he ordered Daniel to come forth, but Daniel slipped on the lion's turd and
came fifth, thus utterly losing the race. This angered Daniel so greatly that he
picked up the lion turd and, with menacing accuracy, hurled it at random. Random,
being a crafty little bugger, ducked, and the turd hit the King full in the eye.
Now, this made the King exceedingly angry, whereupon he inquired, "Where's the
Queen?" "Milord, she is on the Royal Crapper." "And is she well-supplied with paper?"
"Milord, she has forty reams of the finest linen." "It is good," said the King. "And
where's the Princess?" "Oh, she's upstairs in bed with laryngitis." "Not that fucking
Greek again!" cried Daniel.
This amused the King and he spake, "Oh, fuck the Princess!" and another 40,000 loyal
courtiers were trampled to death in the rush, for in those days the King's word was
law, and the King ruled with an iron hand, and besides, the Princess was a comely
wench. This made the King exceeding angry, but the Queen only said, "Well, I'll be
fucked!" --- more in hope than in indignation. But nobody moved, save a solitary
senile seneschal, quietly masturbating in a corner into a silver teaspoon, and
Daniel, who, taking her at her word, grabbed the Queen by her butt-cheeks and slipped
her onto his dick like a well-worn jackboot.
Later in the evening the King entered the Royal Boudoir and beheld the Queen lying on
the bed, clad only in Nature's attire. "Roll over, Queen!" ordered the King. "I'll be
fucked if I will!" shouted the Queen. "You will at that," observed the King, "but
you'll be corn-holed if you won't!" Hearing this, the Queen shat a gold brick, for in
those days a square ass-hole was a symbol of royalty.
When the King saw this, he cried, "Balls!"; not because he had to, but because he had
two. And the Queen replied, "Balls!? If I had two, I could be King!" "Nuts," said
the prince. "I've got them, and I'm not king."
Whereupon the King, having partaken of over-ripe olives, hied himself to the
innermost part of his kingdom and proceeded to shit buttermilk for three days, and
thereafter was forever known as King Dairy-Ass, throughout the world.
Blaming Daniel for his digestive discomfort the King sentenced Daniel to wander in
the wilderness for forty days and forty nights, for in those days the King's word was
law and the King ruled with an iron hand.
And so it came to pass that Daniel wandered in the wilderness for many a long day and
many a long night. But in the evening of his thirteenth day in the wilderness, Daniel
was set upon by bandits! Not, as you might at first surmise, ordinary bandits, but
Mexican bandits. Nor, as you might at second surmise, ordinary Mexican bandits, but
Mexican bum-bandits, who debagged him, scragged him, and shagged him, and left him
with his pockets jingling, and his ass-hole tingling.
Months went by before the Queen came unto Daniel. "Oh Daniel, I am heavy with child.
What steps are to be taken?" "Fuckin' big ones!" replied Daniel as he vanished over
the Southern horizon.
All the counts, discounts and no-'ccounts were sitting around the throne room
slinging camel-shit, for in those days, bull-shit was as yet unknown.
A noise was heard in the courtyard and in came Daniel on his gallant white steed,
with his balls slung over his shoulder. "What ho!" cried the King. "Ass-hole!"
replied Daniel, thus scoring an early point for the common people.
At this, the Queen dashed madly through the court with her drawers at half-mast, and
her ass shining like a looking-glass in the moonlight.
Hilarious now, the King offered Daniel the post of second-in-command. "But what of
the Queen?" asked Daniel. "Oh, fuck the Queen!" replied the King, and 50,000 loyal
courtiers were killed in the rush, for in those days the King's word was law, and the
King ruled with an iron hand.
Upon seeing such mass slaughter, the King in exasperation exclaimed, "Oh, shit!"; and
all 50,000 remaining loyal courtiers dropped their drawers and squatted on their
haunches and strained and grunted in unison, for in those days the King's word was
law and the King ruled with an iron hand.
"Stop!" cried the Queen, thinking of the royal carpet. The King called "Halt!" and
49,999 loyal butt-holes snapped shut with a stately click, and 49,999 glistening
turds were nipped, gently steaming in the morning air, all save for that of Daniel,
who proceeded to lay one two cubits wide by one cubit high by three cubits long.
The King was sore affronted, and ordered Daniel thrown into the lions' den for three
days and three nights, for in those days the King's word was law and the King ruled
with an iron hand.
And here was Daniel, in the midst of all those roaring, snarling beasts --- but of
course, you could easily recognize Daniel by the large green parasol that he always
carried.
On the first day, the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh Queen, I am in need
of some tea!" and the Queen asked, "What manner of tea?" Daniel replied, "C-U-N-T!"
And the Queen departed.
On the second day the Queen came unto Daniel and Daniel said, "Oh Queen, I am in need
of some pills!" and the Queen asked, "What manner of pills?" Daniel replied,
"NIP-PILLS!" And the Queen departed.
Again on the third day, the King came unto Daniel, but it had come to pass that on
the morning of the third day, Daniel had shat a great shit, and the lions were sore
affronted. Almost all of them had thenceforth kept their distance from Daniel. But
one of the lions took a liking to Daniel's left nut, and began to munch upon it. "Oh,
it tickles, it tickles!" cried Daniel. "What tickles?" asked the King. "TES-TICKLES!"
roared Daniel, thereby scoring another point for the common people. Upon hearing
this, all the ladies in the courtyard took out their tits and tittered.
Then the lion crouched as if to spring, but instead laid a big turd. This amused the
King, and he ordered Daniel to come forth, but Daniel slipped on the lion's turd and
came fifth, thus utterly losing the race. This angered Daniel so greatly that he
picked up the lion turd and, with menacing accuracy, hurled it at random. Random,
being a crafty little bugger, ducked, and the turd hit the King full in the eye.
Now, this made the King exceedingly angry, whereupon he inquired, "Where's the
Queen?" "Milord, she is on the Royal Crapper." "And is she well-supplied with paper?"
"Milord, she has forty reams of the finest linen." "It is good," said the King. "And
where's the Princess?" "Oh, she's upstairs in bed with laryngitis." "Not that fucking
Greek again!" cried Daniel.
This amused the King and he spake, "Oh, fuck the Princess!" and another 40,000 loyal
courtiers were trampled to death in the rush, for in those days the King's word was
law, and the King ruled with an iron hand, and besides, the Princess was a comely
wench. This made the King exceeding angry, but the Queen only said, "Well, I'll be
fucked!" --- more in hope than in indignation. But nobody moved, save a solitary
senile seneschal, quietly masturbating in a corner into a silver teaspoon, and
Daniel, who, taking her at her word, grabbed the Queen by her butt-cheeks and slipped
her onto his dick like a well-worn jackboot.
Later in the evening the King entered the Royal Boudoir and beheld the Queen lying on
the bed, clad only in Nature's attire. "Roll over, Queen!" ordered the King. "I'll be
fucked if I will!" shouted the Queen. "You will at that," observed the King, "but
you'll be corn-holed if you won't!" Hearing this, the Queen shat a gold brick, for in
those days a square ass-hole was a symbol of royalty.
When the King saw this, he cried, "Balls!"; not because he had to, but because he had
two. And the Queen replied, "Balls!? If I had two, I could be King!" "Nuts," said
the prince. "I've got them, and I'm not king."
Whereupon the King, having partaken of over-ripe olives, hied himself to the
innermost part of his kingdom and proceeded to shit buttermilk for three days, and
thereafter was forever known as King Dairy-Ass, throughout the world.
Blaming Daniel for his digestive discomfort the King sentenced Daniel to wander in
the wilderness for forty days and forty nights, for in those days the King's word was
law and the King ruled with an iron hand.
And so it came to pass that Daniel wandered in the wilderness for many a long day and
many a long night. But in the evening of his thirteenth day in the wilderness, Daniel
was set upon by bandits! Not, as you might at first surmise, ordinary bandits, but
Mexican bandits. Nor, as you might at second surmise, ordinary Mexican bandits, but
Mexican bum-bandits, who debagged him, scragged him, and shagged him, and left him
with his pockets jingling, and his ass-hole tingling.
Months went by before the Queen came unto Daniel. "Oh Daniel, I am heavy with child.
What steps are to be taken?" "Fuckin' big ones!" replied Daniel as he vanished over
the Southern horizon.
Dean Dark
Mar 19, 2013, 11:33:34 AM3/19/13
to
On Mon, 18 Mar 2013 19:53:46 -0800, "Fred" <bo...@invalid.com> wrote:
>'Twas the Night of the King's Castration: the last of the Royal Balls was coming off.
It must be going on 50 years since I last heard a variation of that.
>'Twas the Night of the King's Castration: the last of the Royal Balls was coming off.
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