Tim Vine & Tommy Cooper Jokes

[Daio]

Tommy Cooper and Tim Vine jokes, old jokes but worth another read.....

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He
said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a
fast one".

So I went to the races the other day, I backed this horse at twenty to one -
it came in at half past four. It was so late, it had to tiptoe back to the
stables.

So I got home ther other day and my dog buster was barking at everyone that
walked past, woof, woof, even the postman. Well, what do you expect from a
cross-breed.

So I went to the local pub and asked the barmaid for the ploughmans lunch.
Very nice it was but he wasn't very happy.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds
later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the
factory that makes them.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was
Weggie Kray.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said,
"Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're
closest".

So I went to the post office the other day and said to the lady at the
counter, "I want to send this pile of snow to my girlfriend". She looked
confused so I said "Do you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,
this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red
rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for
a-ROMATIC duck".

But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition
and I won a years supply of Marmite.....one jar.

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will
give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your
carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
converter.

So I went to the doctors the other day, he said "say aaarrhh", I replied
"Why's that?", he replied "coz me dog's dead".

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",
he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a checked
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt. He said "You remind
me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

So I phoned up the local swimming baths, and asked them "are you the local
swimming baths". The woman on the phone replied, "well it depends where
you're calling from"

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
bisatchel.

So I was in the supermarket the other day and I saw this man and woman
covered in a barcode. I said "Are you two an item?".

So I phoned up a local skip hire firm and said "I wanna skip outside", the
bloke on the phone replied, "well I'm not stopping you".

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go
'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing
on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking
money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this
is my livelihood.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a
lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's
speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people
in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my
older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's
Colin.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and
starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out:
'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a
lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an
ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He
said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in
these trousers, yes.'

So there's this guy who walks into the doctor's surgery with a cricket ball
stuck up his backside, "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?" "Don't you start"

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went
back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me
'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'

I was nearly a step-child, my Mother said she would have left me on
someone's doorstep if she'd had half a chance.

My mother was always pulling my leg, arrrhhh, so maybe that's why one is six
inches longer than the other."

Two television aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - and get married. The
ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant

"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's". "Well you can't say fairer
than that then"

So I wanted to go camping the other day, I went to buy some camouflage
trousers but I couldn't find any.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in a fireplace

I was cleaning out the attic the other day with the wife. Filthy, dirty and
covered with cobwebs ... but she's good with the kids.

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?".
I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I took the wife to this restaurant the other week, I said to the waiter,
`bring me a lobster. So he brought a lobster. I said 'Just a minute, it's
only got one claw.' He said 'It's been in a fight'. I said 'Bring me the
winner'.

I've been offered a part in a Hollywood picture. It's a very sympathetic
part. Very sympathetic. I'll give you a rough idea of what it is. The scene
opens. It's a thatched cottage, all made of thatch. There's violins going.
There's a dear old lady sitting in an armchair, there. And a dear old man
sitting in an armchair, there. There's a baby in a cot, and a dog on the
mat. And I have this very sympathetic part. I creep in through the door, and
hit the old man on the top of the head. He doesn't say much, he just goes
'ooh'. It wasn't loud, it was just 'ooh'. Then I stab the old lady in the
back. She doesn't like it. Then I strangle the baby. Now, this is where the
sympathetic part comes in. On the way out, I pat the dog.