Tips and Truths
Linda
HOUSEKEEPING TIPS
Tomorrow I do housework, NO EXCUSES!!!! (unless they're good ones)
1: It is time to clean out the refrigerator when something closes the door
from the inside.
2: If it walks out of your refrigerator, let it go!
3: The best mini-vac for an after meal clean up is the dog.
4: Keep it clean enough for healthy, dirty enough for happy.
5: Never make fried chicken in the nude.
6: Do not engage in unarmed combat with a dust bunny big enough to choke the
vacuum cleaner.
7: You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to
start all over again.
8: If guys were suppose to hang clothes up, door knobs would be bigger.
9: My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
10: Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
11: Simplify . . . hire a maid.
12: My second favourite household chore is ironing. My first being Hitting
my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
13: I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
14: I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his
house.
15: Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb,
thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the
light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And
spoil the mood?"
16: When writing your name in the dust on the table, omit the date.
17: If dusting is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the
coffee table and insist that "THIS is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her
ashes..."
18: Instead of repainting, simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an
assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say,
"Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident... I haven't had
the heart to clean it... "
19: Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of
water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in
conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the
couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere . . . I
think I'll take a break and check my E-mail!"
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE
THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED
1. Raising teenagers is like trying to nail Jell-O to a tree.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for
it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles
don't hurt.
3. Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls
a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant
atmosphere... and let the air out of their tires.
5. Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
6. Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fibre, not the toy
7. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
8. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
9. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen
to you the rest of the day
10. You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder
what else you can do while you're down there.
MISSED MANNERS BOOK OF ETIQUETTE
1: It's easier to apologize than to get permission beforehand.
2: It is almost certainly futile to pretend that the child is not yours.
3: Do not borrow someone else's pot to cook their goose.
4: If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried
before.
5: Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease
to be amused.
6: It's okay to laugh in the men's room. Just don't point!
7: If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible
warning.
8: Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
--
"If you can't be funny, be interesting."