IrishJokes
John
day. It's a really big day here. Starts at 6:00am. As usual, I'm
looking for new Irish jokes. The ones I have are on
http://www.johnsjokepage.com. Any new ones are much appreciated.
I'll post mine here as we approach the day.
Thanks
Hal Hanig
How's about this one?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.
" Father " , he confessed, " it has been one month since my last confession.
I had sex with Nookie Green twice last month. "
The priest told the sinner, " You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail
Mary's. "
Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. " Father, it
has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Nookie Green
twice a week for the past two months "
This time, the priest questioned, " Who is this Nookie Green?
" A new woman in the neighborhood, " the sinner replied.
" Very well, " sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a
tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary.
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up
the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and
very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and
matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but enough.
The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, " Is that Nookie Green? "
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly
reply, " No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes ".
dennis meissner
"John" <jo...@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:sbrfq4trlnemk0vsa...@4ax.com...
A guy walks up to a bar and says "I'll have a beer"
A second guy overhears this and notices the distinct accent and asks him
"where you from?"
The first guy replies "I'm from ireland"
Second guy answers back "I'm from ireland too" Let's have a beer together"
So they proceed to have a beer.
Second guy now is very curious so asks "what town you from?"
First guy says "I'm from dublin"
Second guy is amazed and answers back "I'm from dublin too Lets have
another beer."
Now the second guy is really going and asks "what school did you go to?"
First guy responds "I went to Saint Mary's, class of 1962"
Now the second guy can't believe his ears and is about to ask yet another
question when another patron of the establishment overhears the
conversation, approaches the bartender and asks "what is going on?"
The bartender calmly replies... "oh it just the o'malley twins... their
drunk again"
one of my favorite alltime jokes...
enjoy
Dennis
Tom
A little Irish guy walked into a pub and asked for three pints of stout.
He drank them and left. Next evening he's back, asks for three pints, drinks
them and leaves. On the third evening, the landlord says "Why do you buy
three pints at once?, why not just come and get a refill, it'll stop your
beer from going flat before you've finished it"
The little Irish guy said "Well you see, I've got two brothers, one lives
in America and one lives in Australia, I never get to see them to have a
drink with them, so whenever I have a pint, I have one each for them too.
The landlord though this was a lovely sentiment, and for several weeks the
little Irishman came in at the same time each night, had his three beers and
went off home.
Until, one evening the Little Irish guy comes in and asks for two pints.
The landlord looked worried and said "Your brothers? they're both ok aren't
they?
"ah yes" he replies "they're fine, but the doctor's put me on tablets and I
can't drink"
tom...@hotmail.com
> Well, it's coming up. We're decorating the local pub for St. Pat's
> day. It's a really big day here. Starts at 6:00am. As usual, I'm
>
> I'll post mine here as we approach the day.
>
> Thanks
+++++++++++++++++
Did you hear about the Irish guy who thought that Alcoholics Anonymous
meant drinking under an assumed name?
===
"Help! Help!" cried the young woman as she staggered up the
steps of the police station, "An Irishman molested me!"
"How'd you know he was Irish?" inquired the sargeant at the
desk.
"I had to help him." she gasped.
===
Q: What is the definition of an Irish queer?
A: An Irishman that likes women more than whiskey.
===
The Irish maiden's prayer: Oh Lord, have Murphy on me tonight.
===
The Irish attempt on Mt Everest was a valiant effort, but it
failed: They ran out of scaffolding.
===
Q: How can you identify an Irish pirate?
A: He's the one with patches over both eyes.
===
Q: What is the definition of an Irishman?
A: A cheap and simple device used for converting
Guiness into piss!
===
Two Irishmen were going down to London to bomb Harrods;
they driving down there, with Paddy driving and Mick holding
the bomb in his lap. Paddy says to Mick, " What happens if
that bomb goes off ??"
Mick says, "Don't worry, I got another one in the back!"
===
Tim and Mick had stepped back into the brush to answer the call
of nature. As they were blessing the soil with the Golden Elixer,
Tim said, "Sure, an' I wish I was hung like you are, Mick. Yours is
big enough that ye need four fingers to hold it."
Mick glanced over and said, "Ah, now, Timothy, I see you're usin'
four fingers."
"I am," Tim shot back, "but I'm wettin' on three of 'em."
===
Q: What do you do if an Irishman throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull out the pin and throw it back.
===
Q: Did you hear about the Dublin beauty parlor?
A: It advertises "EARS PIERCED WHILE YOU WAIT".
===
Q: What is the difference between a disaster and a catastrophe?
A: A disaster is when a ship containing 1000 Irishmen sinks. A
catastrophe is when they all can swim.
===
Murphy was at a swank Irish ball. As usual, he was drunk.
Across the ballroom, he could barely make out a beautiful red
dress and a spectacular red hat. He staggered across the floor,
and nearly bowled over the red-dressed figure.
"Would you like to <hic> dance?" he hicupped.
"No," came the response.
"Why not?" slurred Murphy.
"Number one, I don't dance. Number two, they're playing the
national anthem. And number three, I'm the bishop of Dublin!"
=============
Maybe more will follow.....
Maxine Landar
> ===
>
> Q: What do you do if an Irishman throws a hand grenade at you?
> A: Pull out the pin and throw it back.
>
> ===
Q: What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?
A: Run, the silly buggers got a grenade in his mouth.
tom...@hotmail.com
wrote:
************* Off topic*************
When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety
seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the
proper way to operate an extinguisher.
"Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then
press the trigger to release the foam."
Later, an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled
fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to
pull the pin.
The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"
In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin ... and hurled
the extinguisher at the blaze."
tom...@hotmail.com
****BACK ON TOPIC****
Q: What do call a queer Irishman?
A: Gaelic
tom...@hotmail.com
***THE LATEST IN IRISH INVENTIONS***
* A screen door on a submarine.
* Windscreen wipers on a submarine.
* A pedal powered wheelchair.
* Waterproof teabags.
* An underwater hair dryer.
* Non stick sticky tape.
* The Apple Macintosh.
* Diced bread.
* Anti lock cars.
* Toxic Toothpaste.
* An ashtray on a motorbike.
* Waterproof sponges
* Fireproof Matches
* Parachutes that open on impact
* L-shaped mobile homes
* The one-piece jigsaw puzzle
* An inflatable dartboard for campers
* An index for a dictionary
* Beer glasses with square bases so they don't leave
rings
on the bar
* Ejector seats in helicopters
* Underground airports
* Wind-down windows on a submarine
* Unsinkable submarine
* Boomerang bullets
* Air-conditioners on a motorbike
tom...@hotmail.com
***IRISH CEMETERY***
A Scotsman came upon a cemetery. A grave digger was busy
digging
40 foot deep graves. The lad questioned the digger concerning
the
depth of the graves. The grave digger replied, "Those are for
the
Irish. Down deep they're really nice people."
tom...@hotmail.com
***IRISH SHORTIES & KWIKIES***
Did you hear about the Irish godfather who kept making
offers he could never remember?
Have you heard about the Irish sky diver who was killed
when his snorkel and flippers failed to open.
Hear about the Frenchman and the Irishman who jumped
off the Eiffel Tower together?
The Frenchman got killed and the Irishman got lost.
Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who stayed up
all night waiting for their Sexual Relations to come?
Perhaps you have heard of the Irish abortion clinic?
It has a 12 month waiting list.
Do you know why the Irish match factory went out of
business?
They tested all the matches before boxing them.
Did you hear about how Paddy ripped off the railway?
He bought a return ticket but never came back.
How about the Irishman who moved his house two feet
forward to take up the slack in his clothes line?
Did you hear about the Irish Setter that sat down in a
corner
to gnaw on a bone and when he got up he only had three legs.
"Shawn do you understand French?"
"Yes if it's spoken in Irish."
Kelly had two horses he could never tell apart. This caused
him
lots of trouble until he discoved one day that the black
horse
was two hands taller than the white one.
What's black and white and sits at the bottom of a swimming
pool?
An Irish 'NO SMOKING' sign.
tom...@hotmail.com
***REASONS TO BE IRISH***
Top ten reasons why it's good to be Irish:
10 ) No one expects too much from us.
9 ) We can be grumpy bastards and people put it down
to "that feisty Irish temperment."
8 ) Every bartender is your friend.
7 ) It's lonely at the top.... ipso facto .... Irish
people are never lonely.
6 ) You will never be asked to cook a Traditional Meal
from back home.
5 ) Our Telephone book indexes are so simple, everyones
name begins with "O".
4 ) We sound exactly the same sober as we do drunk. (This
is still only theoretical since no one has ever found
a sober Irish man).
3 ) We've got the luck of the Irish... (This was bestowed
on us by God as an apology for our limited
inteligence,
our less than stunning looks, and, most of all, for
the neigbours that he gave us.)
2 ) When we emmigrate from Ireland to the U.S., we
increase
the IQ of both countries.
1 ) We're not English.
tom...@hotmail.com
***IRISH SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERY***
German scientists dug 50 meters underground and discovered
small pieces of copper. After studying these pieces for a
long time, Germany announced that the ancient Germans 25,000
years ago had a nationwide telephone network. Naturally,
the British government was not that easily impressed. They
ordered their own scientists to dig even deeper. 100 meters
down, they found small pieces of glass and they soon
announced that the ancient Brits 35,000 years ago already
had a nationwide fibre net. Irish scientists were outraged.
They dug 50, 100 and 200 meters underground, but found
absolutely nothing...
...They concluded that the ancient Irish 55,000 years ago
had cellular telephones...
tom...@hotmail.com
***IRISH KWIKIES***
The principal of the elementary school told the kids
to "...act Irish in honor of St. Patrick's Day."
So they bombed their school bus.
Q: When does an Irishman leave the bar?
A: When the spirits move him.
Q: What's two miles long and has an IQ of 65?
A: The St Patrick's Day Parade!
Q: Why do the Irish have potatoes and the Arabs have oil?
A: The Irish got first choice.
Q: How do you tell an Irishman in a carwash?
A: He's the one on the motorbike!
Q: What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?
A: Run, because hes got the hand grenade in his mouth!
Q: Where are Irishman Buried?
A: In Paddyfields.
Q: Heard about the Irish Cocktail?
A: Pint of Guiness with a potato in it!
Of course, there's the only Irish state in the USA --- O'Regon.
Q: Where does an Irishman go on vacation?
A: To a different bar.
Nobody
I believe a former Prime Minister of New Zealand, Robert "Piggie"
Muldoon actually used that comment to describe Kiwis who were leaving
Godzone in droves for the Bright Lights of Aussie in the 70's.
tom...@hotmail.com
***AMAZING IRISH HORSES***
A Canadian couple was driving down a narrow country lane in Ireland
when their car broke down.
As the husband opened the hood, he heard a voice. "It's the fuel
pump,
it's the fuel pump."
He jiggled the fuel pump and the engine fired up.
At the next village pub, they stopped for a drink and started
telling
the innkeeper about the mysterious voice.
"Pardon me, sir but were there any horses nearby?" asked the
barkeep.
"Yes," said the Canadian. "A white and a black one."
"Was either moving its mouth?" asked the barman. Yes, it did appear
the black was chewing something.
"Thank the Lord for that," said the innkeeper. "The white one
doesn't
know a darned thing about engines."
***IRISH LASS AND HER PANTIES***
Maureen O'Murrah had taken a Manhattan taxi home from work, since
both
of the ladies she usually carpooled with had taken sick. In
the
confusion of the short-handed office staff, and hurrying
downstairs to
meet the cab, she had left her purse behind. As the cab pulled up
to
her apartment building, she was looking about the seat for her
purse
when the driver told her the price of her ride. In great
embarrassment, she said, "Ach. I'm not believin' I did this, Sir,
but
me purse isn't here. I must have left behind. I'm sorry, but I'm
not
havin' the money to pay you just now." The driver was...well, he
was a
Manhattan taxi driver. He said, "That's all right Missy, I'll
just
pull down into that dark street ahead, and get back there with
you,
and I'll just take your panties off." Maureen chuckled, and
said
"Shure, an' it's the poor end of the trade that you'll be
gettin'.
These panties only cost eighty-nine cents."
***MISC. KWIKIES***
Q: What's the difference between St. Patrick's day
and Martin Luther King Day?
A: On St. Patrick's Day, everyone wants to be Irish.
"Oy Vey, Maria!"
-- A Jewish-Irish-Catholic Prayer
***OLD PADDY FITZPATRICK***
A young Irishman had recently been ordained as a priest and was
traveling to his new parish in the Irish countryside. As he drove down
the lane, he saw a man in the ditch at the side of the road bonking a
sheep. The young priest shuddered, uttered a prayer, and crossed
himself.
A few miles down the road he saw another man out in the fields
frenziedly bonking a sheep. Appalled at having witnessed a second case
of bestiality in less than an hour, he whispered several prayers,
crosses himself fervently, and drove on.
Finally, on the outskirts of town, he caught sight of a man leaning
against a tree and masturbating enthusiastically. The young priest,
then and there decided grimly on the topic of his first sermon.
"As I approached this fair town," he began that Sunday, "I witnessed
three abominations. First, on the roadside a man committing an
unnatural act with a sheep. Shortly thereafter was another man in a
field committing the same unnatural act with another sheep! And
third,
at the very outskirts of this town, a man was committing an unnatural
act with himself!"
A voice spoke up from somewhere in the congregation, "Aye, that'll be
old Paddy Fitzpatrick. He never could catch a sheep!"
***WHY THE DONKEY DRANK THE WATER***
The irish priest was on the altar one dreary Sunday Morning,
addressing his congregation, vehement that alcohol was the
work of the devil.
"As an example," he stated during his sermon, "If you were to
lead a donkey to a bowl of water, and a bowl of whiskey, from
which would he drink?"
A grizzled old mick at the back of the church spoke up: "Aye,
Father, he'd drink from the water."
The priest, elated, said, "Very Good! And can you tell me WHY
he'd drink from the water?"
The Irishman at the back of the church replied, "Sure I can
tell ye' why Father: Because he's an ASS."
***THE SUSPECT EVIDENTLY WAS IRISH***
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who
just couldn't control himself during a lineup.
When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words,
"Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's
not what I said!"
***FRENCH, ENGLISH & IRISH NATIONALISM***
Frenchman, Englishman and an Irishman were discussing race
and the spirit of good will. Then they began to speculate
of what nationality would they rather be if they weren't
what they were?
The Frenchman was first. "If I wasn't a Frenchman, I would
be an Englishman." The other two applauded.
Then the Englishman spoke. "If I wasn't an Englishman, I
would be a Scandinavian."
Again applause.
Then came the Irishman, who said, "If I wasn't an Irishman,
I'd be ashamed of myself."
***IRISH G.C.E EXAMINATION PAPER - 1981***
GENERAL KNOWLEDGE...
Time Allowed : SEVEN weeks..
One Week Extra Allowed For Reading This Paper.
Answer Any Two Questions.
Each Question is worth 50 points.
_________________________________________________________________
1. Who won World War Two?
2. Who came second?
3. What is a Silver Dollar made of?
4. Explain Einstein's Theory of Hydrodynamics OR write your name
in
block capitals.
5. Spell the following:
+ Dog.
+ Cat.
+ Carrot.
6. What time is the News at Ten on?
7. Approximately how many Commandments was Moses given?
8. There have been 6 Kings of England named George, the latest
being
George VI. Name the other five.
9. Write down the numbers from 1 to 10. (Points will be deducted
for
every number out of sequence).
10. Who built Stephenson's Rocket?
11. After what area was the Yorkshire Ripper named?
12. Of what country is Dublin the capital?
13. Do you understand Newton's Law of Gravity? (Answer YES or NO).
14. Spot the deliberate mistake: "An apple a day gathers no shit".
15. Name the odd man out:
+ Cardinal Heenan
+ The Pope
+ Jack the Ripper
+ Archbishop of Cantebury.
16. Is a Dunker:
A person who dips biscuits in their tea?
A contraceptive?
A lorry for road construction?
17. Name the odd man out:
+ Shamus O'Toole
+ Sean O'Flattery
+ Mahatma Ghandi
+ Patrick Murphy.
18. Name the winning jockey in the 1981 Greyhound Derby.
19. Who built the great pyramids?
+ Walt Disney
+ McDonalds
+ The Pharaohs
+ Acme Constructions.
20. In the 1981 Sheepdog Trials, how many were found guilty?
***IRISH PLUMBER***
Sean O'Malley, a plumber by profession, was called by a lady with an
Emergency in Her Bathroom. Arriving at the scene, he turned off the
water with a sigh, and replaced the faucet washer, ending the
Emergency. The lady was nice-looking, and lonely to boot, so before
long Sean was helping her to heat up the bedroom. About four-thirty,
the telephone rang, and after she hung up, the lady told Sean: "That
was my husband. He'll be home in about half an hour, but he'll be
leaving on a business trip to Chicago this evening at seven. Why don't
you come back at about seven-thirty, and we'll continue where we left
off?" "Saints!" exclaimed Sean, aghast. "On me own time?"
***A CONVERSATION IN THE ICU***
A man was brought in to the hospital intensive care ward, put
in a bed, tubes coming out everywhere. A week later, another
man was admitted, in a similar condition. Both lay there,
machines pinging, tubes poking etc. A couple more weeks pass
before one of them had the strength to raise his hand and
point to himself and say, "Scottish."
The other signalled he had heard, raised his own hand, and
said, "Irish."
This act tired them out so badly it was a week before the
first summoned up the strength to say, "Glasgow."
Again the second replied in a weedy, frail voice, "Dublin."
Once more, the strain was too much for them both and they
passed out. Days passed before the first man managed to again
point to himself and say, "Jimmy."
Replied the other, "Paddy."
A few hours later, Jimmy managed to point to himself again
and rasp out weakly, "Cancer."
Paddy responded, "Sagittarius."
***THE IRISH AMBASSADOR***
Presenting his credentials to the president of the United States,
the new ambassador from Ireland took offense to an offhand remark the
chief executive made about the problem of drunks in Ireland.
"Beggin' yer pardon," said the Irishman, "but I daresay there are
more drunks in Washington than in all of Ireland."
Stiffening, the president replied, "That's ridiculous. In fact, you
have diplomatic immunity so I dare you to go out and shoot the first
fifty people you find that are drunk."
Accepting the challenge, the ambassador borrowed a gun and went
outside. The next day the Washington Post displayed the following
headline:
"AMBASSADOR SHOOTS FIFTY EMPLOYEES
OF THE IRISH EMBASSY IN WASHINGTON"
***LIFE ON THE DESERTED ISLAND***
There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where
the following people are stranded:
* 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
* 2 French men and 1 French woman
* 2 German men and 1 German woman
* 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
* 2 English men and 1 English woman
* 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
* 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
* 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
Here is the situation one month later on this beautiful deserted
island in the middle of nowhere:
The Italian men killed each other for the Italian woman.
The 2 French men and the French woman are living happily
together in a "menage a trois"....
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they
alternate with the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman
is cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to
the English woman.
The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean, one look
at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.
The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide
while the woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own
and the true nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing
and the taxes are low.
The Irish began by dividing their island Northside-Southside and
setting up a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the
picture, cause it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters
of coconut-whiskey, but at least they know the English aren't
getting any...
Nobody
You know, I'm gonna be filling up all me friends' e-mail boxes on da
17th, fer sure.
tom...@hotmail.com
***IRISH BIRDS OF A FEATHER??***
Drunk man staggers down the street in an Irish town...
Along comes a priest who says, "Hey Pat! Drunk again?"
Pat says: "Aye, me too, Father!"
***STALLED AT A TRAFFIC LIGHT***
A Irish truck driver was sitting at a set of traffic lights
in a small Irish town when his engine stopped. He tried to
start the truck a couple of times but to no avail.
By this time the lights had gone green then red again. The
driver sitting behind his soon got tired of waiting, so he
strolled up to the truckie and quietly asked, "Is there a
particular shade of green that you're waiting for?
***WHAT IS A TRUE ENGLISHMAN?***
An Irishman goes into a pub in London with a little man,
6 inches tall, in his shirt pocket. He says to the barman,
"I'd like a pint of Guinness for meself and a thimble of
Guinness for me friend."
The barman says, "Cor blimey, what've you got there, Paddy?
Is it a little Irish leprechaun?"
Paddy answers, "No, it's an Englishman with the shit kicked
out of him."
***IRISH JOKE: WHOSE KIDS?***
Sean O'Neill lies on his deathbead. Around him are his wife and
four sons. Three of his sons are tall, strapping lads while the
fourth is a thin, near sighted nebbish. He beckons to his wife
Fiona. "Tell me the truth my love, I've always wondered. With
these three strapping sons, is that little nebish really my boy?
I'll forgive you for lying on the other side of the blanket that
one time. I just have to know."
Fiona looks Sean straight in the eye and says, "As God is my
witness he is your son true from your loins."
Sean smiles and then dies. As Fiona gets up from the bedside she
says, "Thank the Almighty he didn't ask about the other three."
***IRISH PICKS BLACK BABY AS HIS***
A Irishman, Englishman and Arab are all in the Maternity
ward. The Doctor comes through with congratulations to them
all, explaining that they are all the proud new fathers of
baby sons. "However," he says, "there has been a problem. We
were really busy, and somehow we have managed to get your
three sons mixed up." In order to sort the situation out the
Doctor suggests they draw lots to see who gets first choice.
The result is that the Irishman gets first choice.
The Doctor takes the Irishman through to the 3 babies: "I'll
take that one," he says pointing to the little black child.
"Hold on," says the Doctor, "that's obviously not your son,
he's as brown as a chocolate bar and both you and your wife
are white."
"I know," replies the Irishman, "but one of the other two is
English, and I am just not prepared to take the risk."
tom...@hotmail.com
***JEWISH LAD WANTS TO MARRY IRISH GIRL***
Aaron wanted to marry his Irish girlfriend Sinead, so
he took her to the temple office.
"I'd be happy to officiate," said the rabbi, "but I'd
like to be assured that Sinead has a little Jew in her."
"Oh, I do," exclaimed the bride-to-be, "Aaron couldn't
wait."
***IRISH ELECTRICIAN***
Did you hear about the Irish electrician who was called
into the local prison to fix the electric chair?
After about 2 hours in there he came out and said,
"Shite, I'm not touching that thing, it's a fookin'
deathtrap!!"
***IRISH KWIKIES***
Q: What does an Irishman do when he gets cold?
A: He sits by a candle.
Q: What does an Irishman do when he really gets cold?
A: He lights the candle.
Did you hear about the woman who thought cunnilingus was an
Irish airline?
Did you hear about the Irishman's wife who had twins? He went
out with a shotgun looking for the second guy.
They've opened up a new gay bar in Dublin.
It's called Sodom and Begorra.
Q: How did the police know who bombed the London bus?
A: The bomber was the one with his fingers in his ears.
Q: What's green and falls apart?
A: leperchaun
***IRISH MOTHERS DISCUSSING THEIR SONS***
Two Irish mothers were talking about their sons. The first
said, "My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't
smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over
two years."
The other woman said, "Well, my Francis is a saint himself.
Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three
years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that
time."
"My word," the first Irish mother said. "you must be so
proud."
"I am," the second mother replied. "And when he's paroled
next month, I'm going to throw him a big party."
tom...@hotmail.com
My wife and I made love about three or four months
ago. It lasted an hour and three minutes. Later,
I found out it was the night they changed to daylight-
saving time.
Maxine Landar
Heard about the Irishman charged with necrophilia?
The judge said to him, "Before I pass sentence on you, have you got
anything to say in your own defence?" The Irishman replied, "My lord, I
thought she was English!"
tom...@hotmail.com
***IRISH SEX***
THE PREPARATION
Friday Night is very much love-night for the Irish man.
Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the
traditional Irish aphrodisiac - 12 pints Guinness, and some
fish and chips, his mind set on one thing - LOVE! Or as he
say's himself "the ride".
His lust, at fever pitch, after the sensuous excitement of a
hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife,
enticing her with gentle words of passion - "any chance of me
hole then love?"
The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the erotic
smell of Guinness or the sensuous vision of chips sticking to
his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy
reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious "Would ye ever
fuck off!!!".
FOREPLAY
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists
of the male, whipping off his slightly soiled Y fronts
provocatively at his wife, that usually land skid-mark side
down, as he approaches the bed gyrating with one hand on his
hip and the other on the back of his head, singing the
ancient Gaelic fertility chant "Here we go, here we go, here
we go"
Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this rampant 8
incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double
vision.
INITIAL PROBLEMS
After 12 pints, sometimes the man's old Willie Winkie is a
trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is
very much a blow to the man's self esteem and the wife has to
be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words
of encouragement such as "Ye useless bastard, ye" or possibly
"It never happens to the Milkman".
Oral sex is a great favourite of the Irishman. He approaches
his wife with a cheeky invitation, "How'd ye like to put your
his wife with a cheeky invitation, "How'd ye like to put your
teeth round dis?" The woman nods willingly and points
suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside
tumbler. "Go on then", she says "but don't disturb me".
DOWN TO BUSINESS
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love.
Again alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as
the man decides which of his willies to use for penetration.
Sometimes in his excitement as he moves into his position he
may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon
he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase "Oh fuck,
I've shot me load." If this does occur it is essential he
makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and
loving compliments such as, perhaps, informing her she's the
nicest woman he's ever come across.
An imaginative lover, the Irishman, possibly having read the
woman likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as
"shite, arsehole". The woman is speechless. The man is now
thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic
thoughts.
The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling.
Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as "Are you
sure it's in? " Given his level sexual expertise the
Irishman's ideal partner should be a versatile lover
specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a
breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, Big Boy". Eventually its all
over. The man roles over, falls asleep, and commences
snoring like a pig. There's no one in the world performs
quite like an Irishman - veritable prince in the kingdom of
sex.
tom...@hotmail.com
anage to get the fire under control they start their
investigation and find an old Irish man alive sitting
at the bar all burned up with his glass melted to his
hands. When the firefighters ask him how the fire
started the old Irish man replied, "I don't know,
it was burning when I got here."
tom...@hotmail.com
Mrs Murphy was chatting over the back yard
ence to Mrs O'Brien.
"Did you hear Mrs Flynn's husband passed
away last night?"
"No!" said Mrs O'Brien, "was it the cancer?"
"Oh no," said Mrs Murphy, "it wasn't anything
that serious."
tom...@hotmail.com
***NATURE'S WAY OF COMPENSATING***
A Doctor was explaining to a Irishman how nature
sometimes compensates for a persons deficiencies.
"For example," he told him, "If a man is deaf,
he may have keener sight, and if a man is blind,
he may have a keen sense of smell."
"I think I see what you mean," said the Paddy,
"I've often noticed that if a man has one short
leg, then the other one is always longer....."
tom...@hotmail.com
jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled
about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight.However,
the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the
ground. The thief then went through Murphy's pockets and searched
him.All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents. The thief was
so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to
fight so hard for 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Murphy
replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got
in me shoe!"
***THE IRISH OLYMPICS JUDGE***
It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the
Russian competitor he skates around to some classical music
in a slightly dull costume performs some excellent leaps but
with out any great artistic feel for the music.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8, Russia 5.9, United
States 5.5, Ireland 6.0.
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and
stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets
the crowd clapping, but technically not so good as the
Russian slightly miss landing a triple Salchow and losing
the center during a spin. But artistically a more satisfying
performance.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8, Russia 5.5, United
States 5.9, Ireland 6.0.
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old
donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He
reaches the ice trips straight away and bangs his nose which
starts bleeding. Tries to get up staggers a few paces then
slips again. Spends his entire 'routine' getting up then
slipping over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tatty
and bleeding mess.
The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0, Russia 0.0, United
States 0.0, Ireland 6.0
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in
unison, "How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"
To which the Irish judge replies, "You've gotta remember,
it's damn slippy out there!"
***IRISHMAN HAD SORE FEET***
An Irishman visited the doctor complaining of sore
feet. Upon examining them the doctor requested that
he keep off his feet as much as possible and to put
on a new pair of socks everyday for a week.
This the Irishman did and by the 5th day the Irishman
could not fit his shoes on.
***IRISHMAN BUYS A CHAINSAW***
An Irishman goes into a shop and buys a chainshaw. Two weeks
later he returns with the chainshaw.
Irishman: "I bought this chainsaw two weeks ago and you
said it would chop down 50 trees an hour and I
can only manage two."
Shop assistant: "Well lets take a look at it then."
So the shop assistant starts the machine up.
BRRRRRBRRRRBRROARRRRR!!!
Jrishman: "What's that noise?!?
***IT WAS A LAUGHING MATTER, TO HIM***
The good Father was warning his listeners about the
suddenness of death. "Before another day is ended,"
he thundered, "somebody in this parish will die."
Seated in the front row was a little old Irishman who
laughed out loud at this statement.
Very angry, the priest said to the jovial old man,
"What's so funny?"
"Well!" spoke up the oldster, "I'm not a member of
this parish."
tom...@hotmail.com
***TEXAN HATES THE IRISH***
A Texan went up to the airline check-in counter and boomed,
"Howdy, ma'am. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from
Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot, 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from
th' top of mah head to th' tip of mah toes, and I hate the
Irish."
Well, she didn't know what else to do, so she took his ticket
and showed him onto the plane. He sat down in his seat, and
turned to the fellow next to him, "Howdy, suh. My name's
Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot
3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th' tip
of mah toes, and I hate the Irish."
The little fellow turned to him, "Well now, how d'ye do. My
name is Patrick Michael O'Donnell. I'm from Dublin, Ireland.
I'm 5-foot 6-inches tall, and I'm white from the top o' me
head to the tip o' me toes, except for me rectum, which is
brown. Spelled B-R-O-W-N."
***IRISH DRUNK WANTS A WOMAN***
The drunk knocked on the door. When a woman opened
it, he said, "I'm Irish, I'm horny and I want an
Irish colleen." Before the woman could respond, he
peered in and yelled, "Begorrah! There's one beauty
lying over there."
"I'm going to have to ask you to leave," the woman
responded.
"Are you prejudiced?" snorted the drunk. "I just want
that girl over there. I've plenty o' money. Why can't
I come in?"
"Because this is a funeral home."
***IRISH AND ITALIAN DRINK TOGETHER***
Donavan, while visiting Italy, met a sailor from Venice.
Before long they found themselves in a tavern. After
several hours of heavy drinking the Italian finally slid
under the table. The Irishman staggered to his feet and
announced,.."I'm the first guy who ever drank a Venetian
blind!"
***IN GORMAN'S PUB***
One Irishman was downing them faster than usual when the
man on the barstool next to him said, "What's wrong?"
The first Irishman said, "I'm drinking to the memory of my
wife. She was a saint on earth. She went to church every
single morning, spent her days reading and quoting the
Scriptures, sang hymns and psalms all evening, filled our
house with religious statues and paintings, and invited
priests and nuns to dinner three times a week."
"She sounds like an angel," the second man commented, "I
suppose the good Lord took her early to Himself."
"No," the first Irishman replied, "I strangled the bitch."