Re: 12/25 Puns
Tim Bruening
Greg Evans wrote:
> J. A. Mc. wrote:
> > On Wed, 3 Nov 2004 06:30:51 -0500, "Frank A. Rosenbaum"
> >> "Milton J. Smuthworthy, I" <tonworth...@SexMagnet.com> wrote
> >> in
> >>> Then "Frank A. Rosenbaum" says:
> >>>> "Greg Evans" <mis...@larkbooks.com> wrote in message
> >>>> news:2unehsF...@uni-berlin.de...
> >>>>> Frank A. Rosenbaum wrote:
> >>>>>> "nemo" <ne...@naughtylust.wet> wrote in message
> >>>>>>> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> >>>>
> >>>>>>>> Why did the man take a pencil to bed?
> >>>>>>>> To draw the curtains.
> >>>>>>> If he had though himself to actually be the curtains, he
> >>>>>>> should
> >>>>>>> have pulled himself together!
> >>>>>> He did, but he draped himself over the bed. By the way, the
> >>>>>> mans
> >>>>>> name is Rod.
> >>>>> Did it comforter him to do that, or was it a result of some sort
> >>>>> of ambi-valence about his purpose in life?
> >>>> Well, Sheet, Greg, Ya gotta ask Rod. I was blind when he did it.
> >>>> Don't forget to take your pill, Oh, also don't forget your
> >>>> inhaler
> >>>> either.
> >>> Do you two have a room? I'm hearing shades of a one nightstand.
> >> No, we don't. He wanted to roller in the hay, but I told him that I
> >> wasn't pulled that way.
> >
> > You prefer feathers ... ???
>
> Not sure I'm willing to take that thought any feather.... Call it a
> draw?
Pillow: Medicine on the ground.
Billow: William on the ground.
Tim Bruening
"Milton J. Smuthworthy, I" wrote:
> Then "Frank A. Rosenbaum" says:
> >> Then "Frank A. Rosenbaum" says:
> >>>"Greg Evans" <mis...@larkbooks.com> wrote in message
> >>>>> "nemo" <ne...@naughtylust.wet> wrote in message
> >>>>>> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> >
> >>>>>>> Why did the man take a pencil to bed?
> >>>>>>> To draw the curtains.
> >>>>>> If he had though himself to actually be the curtains, he should
have
> >>>>>> pulled himself together!
> >>>>> He did, but he draped himself over the bed. By the way, the mans
name
> >>>>> is Rod.
> >>>> Did it comforter him to do that, or was it a result of some sort
of
> >>>> ambi-valence about his purpose in life?
> >>>Well, Sheet, Greg, Ya gotta ask Rod. I was blind when he did it.
Don't
> >>>forget to take your pill, Oh, also don't forget your inhaler
either.
> >> Do you two have a room? I'm hearing shades of a one nightstand.
> >
> >No, we don't. He wanted to roller in the hay, but I told him that I
wasn't
> >pulled that way.
>
> I guess he missed his window of opportunity to see the light.
Lighting: Low mass bell.
Opportunity: Tea that knocks.
Tim Bruening
"Frank A. Rosenbaum" wrote:
> "Greg Evans" <mis...@larkbooks.com> wrote in message
> news:2usr9fF...@uni-berlin.de...
> > J. A. Mc. wrote:
> >> On Wed, 3 Nov 2004 06:30:51 -0500, "Frank A. Rosenbaum"
> >>> "Milton J. Smuthworthy, I" <tonworth...@SexMagnet.com> wrote
in
> >>>> Then "Frank A. Rosenbaum" says:
> >>>>> "Greg Evans" <mis...@larkbooks.com> wrote in message
> >>>>> news:2unehsF...@uni-berlin.de...
> >>>>>> Frank A. Rosenbaum wrote:
> >>>>>>> "nemo" <ne...@naughtylust.wet> wrote in message
> >>>>>>>> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> >>>>>
> >>>>>>>>> Why did the man take a pencil to bed?
> >>>>>>>>> To draw the curtains.
> >>>>>>>> If he had though himself to actually be the curtains, he
should
> >>>>>>>> have pulled himself together!
> >>>>>>> He did, but he draped himself over the bed. By the way, the
mans
> >>>>>>> name is Rod.
> >>>>>> Did it comforter him to do that, or was it a result of some
sort
> >>>>>> of ambi-valence about his purpose in life?
> >>>>> Well, Sheet, Greg, Ya gotta ask Rod. I was blind when he did it.
> >>>>> Don't forget to take your pill, Oh, also don't forget your
inhaler
> >>>>> either.
> >>>> Do you two have a room? I'm hearing shades of a one nightstand.
> >>> No, we don't. He wanted to roller in the hay, but I told him that
I
> >>> wasn't pulled that way.
> >>
> >> You prefer feathers ... ???
> >
> > Not sure I'm willing to take that thought any feather.... Call it a
draw?
>
> If you want to feather bed, go ahead. I don't give a flock.
>
> "Birds of a flock, feather together".
Flocking: Flying male monarchs.
Oinking: Porcine male monarch.
Barking: Alcoholic male monarch, or dog male monarch, or male monarch in
jail, or a male monarch lawyer.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:426EE79A...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > Aster: A donkey jail.
> >
> > Astern: The ass of an ass.
> >
> > Astern: A donkey bird.
> >
> > Astral: Bodiless donkey.
> >
> > Astray: Wandering donkey.
>
> Ashtray: Wandering donkey with a shpeech defect caused by lung cancer.
Cancer: A metallic cylindrical knight.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:426EE7C4...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > Abride: One span.
> >
> > Aberrant: A deviant ant.
> >
> > Accede: One baby plant.
> >
> > Adamant: The first ant.
> >
> > Adhere: Here is the glue commercial.
>
> E-poxy resin: Online glue that brings you out in nasty spots.
Resin: To sin again.
Ashen: A female donkey/chicken.
Freshen: A randy female chicken.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:426F3DB4...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:421A8254...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > >
> > > > Breaking: King of dancing by spinning on the ground.
> > > >
> > > > Braking: King of stopping.
> > > >
> > >
> > > . . . . or the monarch of making donkey noises.
> >
> > Donkey: Unlocks a Mafia lock.
> >
> > Angstrom: Very small guitar.
> >
> > Banditry: Tree that holds people up and robs them.
> >
> > Barring: Ring that serves beer and wine.
> >
> > Biddy: Auctionweering demon.
>
> Red Biddy: Auctionweering alcoholic.
Reddy: Communist demon.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:42523F6A...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:424D0708...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > >
> > > > nemo wrote:
> > > >
> > > > > An alcoholic got so bad he started seeing huge arses sliding up
> > > and
> > > > down the
> > > > > curtains - then all of a sudden his condition D.T. rear rated!
> > > >
> > > > Do you have any proof?
> > > >
> > > Nope. No no more.
> > >
> > > As I've mentioned before, in the EEC we've abandoned the Eric Sykes
> > > Scale
> > > and we measure it instead by Alcohol % by Volume - meaning that the
> > > more you
> > > drink, the louder you get.
> >
> > Demon Rum: Drunk demon.
> >
> > DUI: Demon who drives while drunk.
> >
> DOA: A KKK member's portal and how a KKK cop's black prisoners always arrive
> at the police station!
DOD: Military demon.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
DOE: Energetic demon.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4271D766...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:426EE79A...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > > Aster: A donkey jail.
> > > >
> > > > Astern: The ass of an ass.
> > > >
> > > > Astern: A donkey bird.
> > > >
> > > > Astral: Bodiless donkey.
> > > >
> > > > Astray: Wandering donkey.
> > >
> > > Ashtray: Wandering donkey with a shpeech defect caused by lung cancer.
> >
> > Cancer: A metallic cylindrical knight.
> >
> Doughnut: Rich torriodal loony.
Donut: Crazy female deer.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4271AF6D...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> > Canada: Father of a can, and a friend of Panda (father of a pan).
> >
> > Ricin: Misbehaving grains.
>
> Wheat ears. When they're upset - wee tears.
Weedy: Urinating demons.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4271AF7D...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> > Iraq: Internet torture device.
> >
> > Suriname: A nation of knights who are called many things.
>
> Surplice: Knight who disguises himself as a priest.
>
> (Wan ewe didn't thin cough!)
>
> Sacristy: Beverage served in a room at the back of a church where the G-d
> Squad accessories and accoutrements are kept.
>
> Chalice: Parasitic insects in a cup.
Parody: Demons who do caricatures or satire.
Tragedy: Demons in grief.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4271AFE0...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> > Nelson: Son of the sound a bell makes.
> >
> > Subcontract: Legal agreement underwater.
> >
> > Toll Cookies: Favorite cookies eaten by bells.
>
> Toll Gate: Musical Turnpike.
>
> Toll Gate Toothpaste: What the gatekeeper uses.
>
> Turnpike: Rotating spear.
>
> Rotating: Helicopter propeller with bells on.
>
> That really was a cyclical pun, wazn tit?!
>
> Collectively, I'm sure you'll all agree.
Gating: Homosexual bell.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4271CA19...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > Erik D. Freeman <efr...@alumni.umbc.edu> wrote in message
> > > news:busaqc$sqv$1...@news.umbc.edu...
> > >
> > > NEWSFLASH:
> > >
> > > Michael Jackson tried killing himself Wednesday morning by
> > > jumping off his boat.
> > >
> > > The police found him last night bobbing up and down on a small buoy.
> >
> > Oh boy, star (over) Board!
>
> He was drunk from too much port!
Porting: Low income bell by the sea.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4271CBB7...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> > "J. A. Mc." wrote:
> >
> > > On 05 May 2004 11:32:51 GMT, Dr Tormento <re...@togroup.com> found
> > these
> > > unused words floating about:
> > >
> > > >"Jenni Saqua" <mar...@awol.com> wrote in
> > > >news:409846f7$0$28708$d36...@news.calweb.com:
> > > >
> > > >> "J. A. Mc." wrote ...
> > > >>> On 04 May Dr Tormento originally found these
> > > >>> unused words floating about:
> > > >>>
> > > >>> >Today is National Star Wars Day.
> > > >>> >
> > > >>> >May the 4th be with you!
> > > >>>
> > > >>> Oh be wanken Obie!
> > > >>>
> > > >> Hey, he did a good jabba that one...bet ya had to chewbacca bunch
> > of
> > > >> retorts to hit that one.
> > > >
> > > > Never a darth of wit from Jeni.
> > >
> > > Vader go Jenni ...
> >
> > Have you ever been to a Maul?
>
> Yeah. And I bought a sledge jammer!
Jammer: Ocean of jelly.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4271C00B...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > Person: Price of a male kid.
> >
> > Perspirate: Price of sweat.
> >
> > Perspire: Price of the top of the church.
> >
> > Permission: Price of the entire church.
> >
> Peracleese: Price of a very tall Python comedian.
Python Comedian: Snake that tells jokes?
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
"Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
news:4271C3E0...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
>
>
> Gussie wrote:
>
> > ARRESTING OFFICER Cubicle worker who finds 9 to 5 TUTU tiring
> > CARNIVOROUS ...where I thought I parked it--and it doesn't come
when
> I
> > call
> > WINDOW What we hope to do at a casino
> > STUBBORN Genetically short
> > MONOMANIAC One who finds stereo too confusing
> > NESSELRODE Didn't wear seat belts
> > BUTTERBALL Goats' gala event
> > RUDE Attacked by a kangaroo
> > LOBOTOMY Having an underslung rear
> > SURFBOARD Tired of browsing the Web
> > PITCHMAN A sap collector
> > ACUMEN What space aliens do to blend in with earthlings
> > HUMERUS Actually, it's the one just above the funny bone
> > MOTH Green thtuff often found growing on brickth
> > CASTANET What a lady spider does to ensnare a gentleman
> spider--later she
> > eats him
> > CURRENT The fee charged by Rent-A-Mutt
> > UNIVERSE One-line poem
> > APPLE POLISHER A neat freak who owns a Mac
> > PUTREFACTION PC users group
> > STILBESTROL A pill ingested to maintain the illusion of
superiority
>
> ARSON: Arson got an A!
>
A firebug once got the petrol all over his rear end and left the
burning
building with his arson fire!
Adkins: To have more children and put them on a diet!
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
"Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
news:4271AF8D...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
>
>
> nemo wrote:
>
> > Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > news:3F64D428...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > Event: Ventilation system on a computer or Internet.
> > >
> >
> > Fan Club: Device for smashing same.
>
> Unless the fan is protected by Fan Mail!
You can order that stuff by sending a chain letter.
Chain Letter: Used to imprison the mail.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:4155CFCC...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:4041E45F...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > > Beechwood: Sandy trees.
> > > >
> > > > Box Elder: What they made gramps casket out of.
> > > >
> > > > Karl Marx Roses: First Red Roses.
> > > >
> > > > Redwood: Very tall trees much loved by environmentalists.
> > > >
> > > > Readwood: A book.
> > > >
> > > > Statice: Very high ranking flowers.
> > > >
> > > > Sycamore: Don't want another bite.
> > > >
> > > > Sycamore: What Valerie Harper said about reuniting with Mary
Tyler
> > > > Moore.
> > >
> > > Hornbeam: Wife's expression when she sees the results of her
husband
> taking
> > > Viagra!
> >
> > Hawthorne: Laughing prickly plants.
> >
> > Mulberry: A berry on which kids see all sorts of weird animals.
>
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mul
>
> The things some peep hole use their PCs for!
>
> It was also a prefabricated WW2 harbour used during the D-day landings
- and
> British, d'ya hear? BRITISH!!!
Briton: 2,000 pound inhabitant of Great Britain.
Tim Bruening
Pollywolly wrote:
> J. A. Mc. wrote:
>
> > That's what lawyers say ... "Where there's a will, there's away!"
>
> Oh bequeath
Bee that writes wills.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Buffalo Chilkat <mam...@watering.hole> wrote in message
> news:fujsrvoa1p9vaqgev...@4ax.com...
> > On Fri, 21 Nov 2003 17:51:51 GMT, "nemo" <ne...@naughtylass2.wet>
> > wrote:
> >
> > >
> > >nemo <ne...@naughtylass2.wet> wrote in message
> > >news:ea8vb.51685$qu.4...@news-lhr.blueyonder.co.uk...
> > >>
> > >> fredm...@the.PC <fre...@webtv.net> wrote in message
> > >> news:3361f1b9.03111...@posting.google.com...
> > >> > "Sheila Dundee" <Co...@optusnetXCAPS.com.au> wrote in message
> > >> news:<3fbc2286$0$13673$afc3...@news.optusnet.com.au>...
> > >> > > Kathy wrote:
> > >> > > > "nemo" <ne...@naughtylass2.wet> wrote in message
> > >> > > > news:MCPub.27404$qu....@news-lhr.blueyonder.co.uk...
> > >> > > >>
> > >> > > >> fredm...@the.PC ?Z <FRE...@webtv.net> wrote in message
> > >> > > >>
news:1660-3FB...@storefull-2375.public.lawson.webtv.net...
> > >> > > >>> ne...@naughtylass2.wet (nemo) wrote :
> > >> > > >>>
> > >> > > >>> Old MacDonald was dyslexic - E O I O E
> > >> > > >>> (Billy Colony)
> > >> > > >>>
> > >> > > >>> Silly burger!
> > >> > > >>>
> > >> > > >>> Nemo
> > >> > > >>>
> > >> > > >>> Silly AND stale old burger. You want flies with that ?
> > >> > > >>>
> > >> > > >> Don't tell me they've started doing Eccles Cake Burgers!
> > >> > > >>
> > >> > > > Nah, they merely signed the Maggot à laCarta.
> > >> > >
> > >> > > I larva pun like that!
> > >> >
> > >> > You'll outgrow it once you find your wings.
> > >>
> > >> Not if he drinks his ale late!
> > >>
> > >That obviously went over your heads. It would. It's the technical
term
> for
> > >wing-like and is used to describe winged insects such as queen and
drone
> > >ants!
> > >
> > Hey Mr. High and Mighty. I have a Ph.D. in that bug stuff, so blow
it
> > out your ass.
> >
> You sure it ain't a Nh.D., nick?!
>
> And I haven't had mighty yet. It's still in the pot.
Potting: Musical ceramic container.
Potting: Musical majuana.
Plotting: Musical play.
Tim Bruening
dustbird wrote:
> > > ----- For this effort, my ex-boss assigned me tree puns. ---
> > > I would like help on TREE related puns >
>
> I benin many places. I sapele play soccer in Brazil. Was he ever
limba.
> And very poplar.
> I went to Princeton, and ramin to Einstein. Zebrano! I wanted to
> introduce him to my brothers and sisters, Myrtle, Burl, Bub, Inga. My
> brother said: "Butternut." But I was satin he wood love them. By gum,
he
> did. He said "Everything is relativity!" Elm his fan. The men's room
was in
> the basement. I had tupelo.
> I had back pain. Old war wound. Purpleheart. Heard of medicine
man. Flew
> to New Guinea. Herbal cure didn't work. I was teaked off, but I padauk
the
> shaman. Pain got desperate.
> Flew to Rome. Birch into Church. Met Father John and Sister Rose.
Got
> religion. Prima vera! Trod the narra path. Faux satine. Bought a
rosary.
> "What kind of wood is this cross made of?", I asked Father John.
"Rosewood,"
> he said. And she did. Sycamore! But my back hurt. She said I had to go
on a
> diet. We went to a healthfood restaurant. I ordered a low-calorie
cocobolo,
> and we goncalo alves. Lost some weight, back pain went away. I'm oak
now,
> still pecan away.
Recently, my stepdad planted acorn patch.
I O-Pine that we should get out of Iraq before more of our people get
shipped home in wood.
I love the beech.
Tim Bruening
"fredm...@the.PC" wrote:
> Buffalo Chilkat <mam...@watering.hole> wrote in message
news:<2clmpv8tne311d2ot...@4ax.com>...
> > Samoa: in addition to.
>
> > Sam Owen: American of Samoan origin
>
> Sam owin': Our Samoan-American deep in debt.
>
> Polly Needs an American : Samoan Parrot, gone crackers, seeks U.S.
mail.
Are you Indo Nesia?
Tim Bruening
Hauke Reddmann <fc3...@uni-hamburg.de> wrote in message
news:bo60ns$mlr$1...@rzsun03.rrz.uni-hamburg.de...
> I have the fixed intention to discover an animal
> as yet unknown to science, but after years of
> searching in vain, I'm getting nessimistic.
>
Cryptozoology: Study of vampire animals?
Tim Bruening
Kathy wrote:
> "Michael Balarama" <mba...@ev1.net> wrote in message
> news:vod83qg...@corp.supernews.com...
> >
> > "Hauke Reddmann" <fc3...@uni-hamburg.de> wrote in message
> > news:bm5q9i$a0s$1...@rzsun03.rrz.uni-hamburg.de...
> > > Nehmo Sergheyev <neh...@hotmail.com> wrote:
> > > > I just went to a pun site made by a female, who, for obvious
reasons,
> I
> > > > won't name. Everything there is pretty normal, but at the bottom
of
> one
> > > > page is a button offering to show us her "Submission Form". I
*didn't*
> > > > press on it because how she does that shouldn't be on the web
and _I_
> > > > refuse to look at such an obscenity!
> > >
> > > Good that I didn't tell you about the cuneiform.
> >
> > I heard she uses a similar saying as Arnold uses-I"ll be on my
back.
> > >
> They say she and several other ladies formed a lumbar company.
Submission Form: Form you fill out to go to a church in the deep blue
sea.
nemo
Gillow: Large London department store on the ground after it started to find
life too Waring.
nemo
. . . or a beverage drunk by a musical technician who adjusts
the pitch of your close colleague's strings.
nemo
WOOF! The sound a cat makes when you pour petrol over it and light it.
MIAOWWWWWWW! The sound a dog makes when you throw it out of an aErOplane.
nemo
Not if he has sardines inside!
nemo
NN: Postcode of a very small farm with only two chickens.
EX: Postcode of what they lay.
TQ: Postcode a Devon café where the service of beverages is extremely slow.
HP: Postcode of a number of major finance companies.
(S) coda: Postcode of someone who drives a naff make of car.
(G) codes: What a Ticktack man uses.
GL: Postcode of an area where things are extremely unpleasant for
racehorses.
EC1: No difficulty in remembering this Postcode. The next one is quite EC2!
I can still remember the aching back and the positions of the pigeon-holes
for these on the sorting frame I was stood standing in front of all day!
Still - at least the work was so easy that the £7.42 per hour was money for
old rope. I was so tired afterwards I couldn't think of anything more
interesting to spend it on!
nemo
Hell 'n' Reddy: Him in his musical home.
nemo
Ken DOD? He was a comedian who tried to rip off the Inland Revenue.
nemo
Or someone from Somerset asking directions: "DOE know the way tyuw Barrow
Gurney?"
"No oy dewn't - bert Iy does know the way tyuw Handcart, Fred!"
nemo
. . . who can't spell!
Beechnut: A looney by teh seaside.
Bitternut: A kernel with teethmarkes already.
Bladdernut: What an incontinent robot turns when it needs to pee.
Butternut: Very unwise. You end up with a big red hexagonal mark on your
forehead.
Chestnut: Someone who goes mad every time he shouts 'Checkmate'!
Coconut: Soemone addictes to chocolate.
Cokernut: Imogen from 'Your Show of Shows' ' biggest fan
Donut: I tole dew - donut spell it like that!
Doughnut: Aaah. That's better!
Earthnut: At the back of an old fashioned wireless set. You run a wire from
this to a water pie and not a gas pipe - or else - BANGGGGG!!!
Gallnut: What a robot uses to turn on its liver when it needs to digest.
Groundnut: Someone with a maniacal fear of flying.
Hognut: A pigs 'melt.' (another stupid euphemism for chitterlings!)
Jarnut: You need a long spanner (wrench) for this one. It's usually jammed.
Kippernut:
Oilnut do any more for now, to leave some left for Tim.
nemo
Bert Weedon: Their guitar-tutor target.
nemo
Parody: Demon descending beneath a can o' pee.
nemo
Gay Ping Hole: Name of a Chinese rent boy.
nemo
Ex-porting: Low income bell by the sea that's been sent abroad and got
squashed!
nemo
Jammy: Ocean of conciet and lousey puns!
nemo
Yeah. Mainly Hissssssssssssssssstorical ones.
nemo
Lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband has lost all interest
in her sexually.
The doc tells her to strip off so as he can see if anything's wrong.
Minus her corsets etc. he looks her up and own and can see that she's
repulsively fat and says, "Lady, you gotta diet!"
She looks down at herself and replies, "OK doctor. What colour?"
nemo
Or to fasten sorters' ankles to their sorting frames! About the only thing
they didn't do at Mount Unpleasant!
nemo
Sir Cyril Smith again!
After he died, he got a job on a tower crane as a counterweight!
nemo
Will's letters for him because he's illiterate??
If you're sick and can't read and write, you get a discount on the postage
on your letters. It's called the ill letter rate.
nemo
Plotting Compost: Used to grow flowers on stage.
nemo
Ewe wood!
nemo
Narr. Mag Nesia works better!
nemo
Cryptoanalysis: Took place and Bletchley Park.
Craptoanalysis: Takes place at sewage farms.
nemo
Or if you want to hear an underwater WW2 comedy singer from Lancashire (LN)
you go to the deep Grey Sea Fields!
Douglas D. Anderson
> I can still remember the aching back and the positions of the pigeon-holes
> for these on the sorting frame I was stood standing in front of all day!
>
> Still - at least the work was so easy that the £7.42 per hour was money for
> old rope. I was so tired afterwards I couldn't think of anything more
> interesting to spend it on!
>
Did you smoke it or put it into brownies?
nemo
"Douglas D. Anderson" <d...@rr.rochester.com> wrote in message
news:P1Wrf.57033$ME5....@twister.nyroc.rr.com...
Nope. I took it up Hempstead Heath and smoked it up there.
Juan M
The challenge was to combine a food or drink and another
word to characterize certain jobholders.
The winner:
The brewmaster was malty-talented
Other nourished workers:
Confectioners speak candiedly about their products.
The large policeman was quite in-tim-bit-ating.
A pastry chef who doesn't get upset when baking doesn't turn
out is a phyllosopher.
Are Greek squid fishermen known as calimariners?
Intuitive bakers are éclairvoyant.
Bankers for the 'fishing industry are Walleye Streeters.-
The Mexican dancer who performed provocatively was
considered slsalacious.
A troutlaw is a slippery individual who is deemed fishy by
the police and frequently tailed.
A snobby food critic is brietentious.
A professor, asked to to give a dinner speech might offer a
dessertation.
The gigolo, now in his salad .days, was still romainetic,
but no longer able tomatover and over agan.
As a fifth-generation bake his talents were inbread, and
not self¬torte. .
Giving in to constant temptation, the bartender quickly
became gincapacitated.
A French soldier who creates desserts is a mousseketeer:
An evangelist turned baker would be pie-us.
A cheesy telemarketer is risotto voce.
An excessively tanned labourer is a roastabout.
Parsleymonius: a deadbeat chef under garnishee order.
Member of Parliamint: a federal politician who tries to get
rid of the bad-taste in your mouth left by his or her peers.
Unravioli:. the work of the forensic accountant.
The Cajun chef who padded his resume was a jambaliar.
A restaurateur who refuses to serve seafood is definitely
defishient.
He called the young temperance worker a martini-bopper.
The food and beverage manager after a few drinks was thought
to be Cointreaulling.
A shopkeeper who doesn't believe in selling Easter candy is
an eggnostic.
A teacher who does't approve of the traditional gift from
students is disagreeapple..
A trend-spotter who says we'll all be vegetarians 100-years
from now is a tofuturist.
A small group of people who control the sale of vegetables
is a broccoligarchy.
The reggae singer -who loves linguine is a pastafarian.
The fresh-breathed speech therapist was artic-taculate.
When asked to reveal his secret recipe, the baker behaved
syruptitiously.
A lazy baker is a doughnothing.
Santa is in pearfect shape.
A lawyer who formulates his best arguments after several
cups of coffee is articulatte.
nemo
news:j56dnchq0aDM9C3e...@centurytel.net...
> From the Globe & Mail:
>
> The challenge was to combine a food or drink and another
> word to characterize certain jobholders.
> The winner:
>
> The brewmaster was malty-talented
So at yeast he had one thing in his flavour!
>
> Other nourished workers:
>
> Confectioners speak candiedly about their products.
>
> The large policeman was quite in-tim-bit-ating.
He was large because of all the beefburglars he used to eat, and the
truncheon meat sandwiches he had for his lunch - and not to mention all the
Irish Stew in the name of the law he consumed.
>
> A pastry chef who doesn't get upset when baking doesn't turn
> out is a phyllosopher.
And his Catholic colleague who was expert at removing the centres from
apples caused quite a kerfuffle by reporting sick during the restuarant's
"bake the biggest apple pie" attempt. The manager said, "What?? Canticum???
Canticorum??"
(sorry to be so Vulgate)
>
> Are Greek squid fishermen known as calimariners?
Religion for nerds: Geek Orthodox.
> Intuitive bakers are éclairvoyant.
Only 30p? That's low for bread! Praps somebody's made a bloomer.
> Bankers for the 'fishing industry are Walleye Streeters.-
Our bankers have similar eyes, the Bank of England being in Threadneedle
Street!
> The Mexican dancer who performed provocatively was
> considered slsalacious.
He used to work for a particulat London bus company and also lay carpets in
his spare time. Hence while dancing he would often shout: "Arriva!! Arriva!!
Underlay!! Underlay!!"
>
> A troutlaw is a slippery individual who is deemed fishy by
> the police and frequently tailed.
"Here possé possé possé!" Wild west policeman trying to find the station
cat.
>
> A snobby food critic is brietentious.
Jackie mason: "It stinks!!!", "Yaggodda aquire a taste!!"
(I think it's a new Star wars character.)
>
> A professor, asked to to give a dinner speech might offer a
> dessertation.
Or he might wear Morning Dress if it were a fish supper. It'd be a grey
topper tuna tea!
>
> The gigolo, now in his salad .days, was still romainetic,
> but no longer able tomatover and over agan.
And in his spare time he was an Air Pommodore.
> As a fifth-generation bake his talents were inbread, and
> not self¬torte.
And slices of his monochrome fruit flans were considered pieces of grey
tart!
> Giving in to constant temptation, the bartender quickly
> became gincapacitated.
And hallucinated every time teh telephoen rang. He was suffering from the
dreaded BTs!
Bart Tosh: http://www.bt.com/index.jsp
>
> A French soldier who creates desserts is a mousseketeer:
They actually got their name when a young lady requesting their assistance
finished her letter, "Please hurry. I am in great danger. You must get 'ere!
You must get 'ere! You must get 'ere!"
>
> An evangelist turned baker would be pie-us.
Pop Pious the Sailor Man?
>
> A cheesy telemarketer is risotto voce.
And if he has a weight problem, Basso Profundo as well!
>
> An excessively tanned labourer is a roastabout.
That one's peon-d my comprehension.
>
> Parsleymonius: a deadbeat chef under garnishee order.
Herb made from sea bird droppings: Origuano.
> Member of Parliamint: a federal politician who tries to get
> rid of the bad-taste in your mouth left by his or her peers.
Peer Pressure: When the one a Brighton falls on you!
> Unravioli:. the work of the forensic accountant.
Most pasta shape names are sensible, but there are a fusilli ones.
> The Cajun chef who padded his resume was a jambaliar.
The restaurant manager said, "C? V must be far more careful about who ve
take on!"
He had a pronounced accent. A - C - C - E - N - T, pronounced 'accent'!!
>
> A restaurateur who refuses to serve seafood is definitely
> defishient.
We'll just skate over that one.
> He called the young temperance worker a martini-bopper.
Here. Have a Martini, Henry.
FX: BANG!!!!!! + sound of bod hitting floor.
>
> The food and beverage manager after a few drinks was thought
> to be Cointreaulling.
His beverages were in barrels and we've just started scraping the bottom of
one of them!
>
> A shopkeeper who doesn't believe in selling Easter candy is
> an eggnostic.
An ovum without a walking cane?
> A teacher who does't approve of the traditional gift from
> students is disagreeapple.
Around here, he'd be wise. About the only thing the local school hasn't had
is teachers blown up by bombs disguised as Easter eggs.
> A trend-spotter who says we'll all be vegetarians 100-years
> from now is a tofuturist.
That o-curd to me many years ago. (true) I've been Vegan for around 37 years
now.
>
> A small group of people who control the sale of vegetables
> is a broccoligarchy.
And a small group of people who dictate how our lungs should work are a
bronchioligarchy.
>
> The reggae singer -who loves linguine is a pastafarian.
This year, there was the same angry monotinous sound in a voice that sounded
like a bear farting coming from nearly all Christmas presents. It was coming
from the Rapping paper.
> The fresh-breathed speech therapist was artic-taculate.
Which is more than can be said for UK Newsreaders like Nina Hussein with her
Paste Officers for Post Offices etc.! (true)
>
> When asked to reveal his secret recipe, the baker behaved
> syruptitiously.
Although he did have the advantage of being ambidextrose.
>
> A lazy baker is a doughnothing.
A medic who speaks to animals and makes small baps: Dpctor Doughlittle.
>
> Santa is in pearfect shape.
Butt is he had an 'Apple' belly, he'd die o' betes.
And if he gets stuck just as you're lighting the fire, he'd end up (or down)
as a Santa with four rosy cheeks!
>
> A lawyer who formulates his best arguments after several
> cups of coffee is articulatte.
Especially if his name's Laurie.
And don't encourage Starfucks. It was café au lait since time immoral before
they came up with latté as a marketing gimmick!
And BTW. We don't snip on a.h.puns unless things get desperate!
Most of these are damned good though.
Tim Bruening
"Frank A. Rosenbaum" wrote:
> "Greg Evans" <mis...@larkbooks.com> wrote in message
> news:2usr9fF...@uni-berlin.de...
> > J. A. Mc. wrote:
> >> On Wed, 3 Nov 2004 06:30:51 -0500, "Frank A. Rosenbaum"
> >>> "Milton J. Smuthworthy, I" <tonworth...@SexMagnet.com> wrote
in
> >>>> Then "Frank A. Rosenbaum" says:
> >>>>> "Greg Evans" <mis...@larkbooks.com> wrote in message
> >>>>> news:2unehsF...@uni-berlin.de...
> >>>>>> Frank A. Rosenbaum wrote:
> >>>>>>> "nemo" <ne...@naughtylust.wet> wrote in message
> >>>>>>>> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> >>>>>
> >>>>>>>>> Why did the man take a pencil to bed?
> >>>>>>>>> To draw the curtains.
> >>>>>>>> If he had though himself to actually be the curtains, he
should
> >>>>>>>> have pulled himself together!
> >>>>>>> He did, but he draped himself over the bed. By the way, the
mans
> >>>>>>> name is Rod.
> >>>>>> Did it comforter him to do that, or was it a result of some
sort
> >>>>>> of ambi-valence about his purpose in life?
> >>>>> Well, Sheet, Greg, Ya gotta ask Rod. I was blind when he did it.
> >>>>> Don't forget to take your pill, Oh, also don't forget your
inhaler
> >>>>> either.
> >>>> Do you two have a room? I'm hearing shades of a one nightstand.
> >>> No, we don't. He wanted to roller in the hay, but I told him that
I
> >>> wasn't pulled that way.
> >>
> >> You prefer feathers ... ???
> >
> > Not sure I'm willing to take that thought any feather.... Call it a
draw?
>
> If you want to feather bed, go ahead. I don't give a flock.
>
> "Birds of a flock, feather together".
Flocking: Flying male monarchs.
Oinking: Porcine male monarch.
Barking: Alcoholic male monarch, or dog male monarch, or male monarch in
jail, or a male monarch lawyer.
Tim Bruening
Greg Evans wrote:
Pillow: Medicine on the ground.
Billow: William on the ground.
Tim Bruening
Tim Bruening
Tim Bruening
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:42523F6A...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:424D0708...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > >
> > > > nemo wrote:
> > > >
> > > > > An alcoholic got so bad he started seeing huge arses sliding up
> > > and
> > > > down the
> > > > > curtains - then all of a sudden his condition D.T. rear rated!
> > > >
> > > > Do you have any proof?
> > > >
> > > Nope. No no more.
> > >
> > > As I've mentioned before, in the EEC we've abandoned the Eric Sykes
> > > Scale
> > > and we measure it instead by Alcohol % by Volume - meaning that the
> > > more you
> > > drink, the louder you get.
> >
> > Demon Rum: Drunk demon.
> >
> > DUI: Demon who drives while drunk.
> >
> DOA: A KKK member's portal and how a KKK cop's black prisoners always arrive
> at the police station!
DOE: Energetic demon.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
DOD: Military demon.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:426EE7C4...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > Abride: One span.
> >
> > Aberrant: A deviant ant.
> >
> > Accede: One baby plant.
> >
> > Adamant: The first ant.
> >
> > Adhere: Here is the glue commercial.
>
> E-poxy resin: Online glue that brings you out in nasty spots.
Resin: To sin again.
Ashen: A female donkey/chicken.
Freshen: A randy female chicken.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:426EE79A...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > Aster: A donkey jail.
> >
> > Astern: The ass of an ass.
> >
> > Astern: A donkey bird.
> >
> > Astral: Bodiless donkey.
> >
> > Astray: Wandering donkey.
>
> Ashtray: Wandering donkey with a shpeech defect caused by lung cancer.
Cancer: A metallic cylindrical knight.
nemo
Barqueing: Monarch sailing a ship in which the foremast and mainmast are
square-rigged and the mizzenmast is rigged fore and aft.
nemo
>
> "Milton J. Smuthworthy, I" wrote:
>
> > Then "Frank A. Rosenbaum" says:
> > >> Then "Frank A. Rosenbaum" says:
> > >>>"Greg Evans" <mis...@larkbooks.com> wrote in message
> > >>>>>> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > >
> > >>>>>>> Why did the man take a pencil to bed?
> > >>>>>>> To draw the curtains.
> > >>>>>> If he had though himself to actually be the curtains, he should
> have
> > >>>>>> pulled himself together!
> > >>>>> He did, but he draped himself over the bed. By the way, the mans
> name
> > >>>>> is Rod.
> > >>>> Did it comforter him to do that, or was it a result of some sort
> of
> > >>>> ambi-valence about his purpose in life?
> > >>>Well, Sheet, Greg, Ya gotta ask Rod. I was blind when he did it.
> Don't
> > >>>forget to take your pill, Oh, also don't forget your inhaler
> either.
> > >> Do you two have a room? I'm hearing shades of a one nightstand.
> > >
> > >No, we don't. He wanted to roller in the hay, but I told him that I
> wasn't
> > >pulled that way.
> >
>
> Lighting: Low mass bell.
>
> Opportunity: Tea that knocks.
I thought you preferred Opportunicoffee over there.
nemo
Willow: Condition of someone who's far too docile and obedient. You know -
like politicians would like all of us to be!
nemo
Ahhhhh. Por little ting!
nemo
Paradigm: Two airborne soldiers who excavate graves.
nemo
Hell-hole: satan's arse!
nemo
> > >
> > >
> > > nemo wrote:
> > >
> > > > "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > > > Aster: A donkey jail.
> > > > >
> > > > > Astern: The ass of an ass.
> > > > >
> > > > > Astern: A donkey bird.
> > > > >
> > > > > Astral: Bodiless donkey.
> > > > >
> > > > > Astray: Wandering donkey.
> > > >
> > > > Ashtray: Wandering donkey with a shpeech defect caused by lung
cancer.
> > >
> > > Cancer: A metallic cylindrical knight.
> > >
>
> Donut: Crazy female deer.
Nope! Crazy spelling. It's still doUGHnut!
nemo
The Department Of the Environment consists of one energetic demon? He must
be extremely busy!
Ice up hose (brrr!) the Chancellor of the Eggs Checker is actually a little
lion with a rubber stamp too.
nemo
DODI: Beloved demoness.
nemo
Most female animals don't have any vestigal male bits and therefore no
testorterone, and are therefore totally passive and not at all Randy - or a
short one!
nemo
Narr. That was the Tin Man in the old version of The Wizard of Oz.
Astringent: A donkey with all his bodily orifices drawn tight-shut!
'Hnnnnnn Hwmmmmm!' is as near as he can get to braying.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:43AF2295...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:426EE7C4...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > > Abride: One span.
> > > >
> > > > Aberrant: A deviant ant.
> > > >
> > > > Accede: One baby plant.
> > > >
> > > > Adamant: The first ant.
> > > >
> > > > Adhere: Here is the glue commercial.
> > >
> > > E-poxy resin: Online glue that brings you out in nasty spots.
> >
> > Resin: To sin again.
> >
> > Ashen: A female donkey/chicken.
> >
> > Freshen: A randy female chicken.
>
> NN: Postcode of a very small farm with only two chickens.
>
> EX: Postcode of what they lay.
>
> TQ: Postcode a Devon café where the service of beverages is extremely slow.
>
> HP: Postcode of a number of major finance companies.
>
> (S) coda: Postcode of someone who drives a naff make of car.
>
> (G) codes: What a Ticktack man uses.
>
> GL: Postcode of an area where things are extremely unpleasant for
> racehorses.
>
> EC1: No difficulty in remembering this Postcode. The next one is quite EC2!
Did you feel like going postal?
nemo
work as a sorter for Royal Mail.
Sorter nice it was being back at work, but it was rather strenuous - and
getting up at 05:30 wasn't much fun either.