Specialty Puns of the Weak: 02-25-04
Stan Kegel
DEFINITIONS:
Pony: What a Southerner says of his injured leg joint (Cynthia MacGregor)
California Condor: Main gate at San Quentin. (Ken Pinkham)
Lambaste: Periodically pouring gravy over a leg of lamb to keep it moist.
(Stan Kegel)
Nobility: Lacking the required skills. (Jason Dias)
Pun: Two disparate strings of thought tied together by an acoustic knot.
(Arthur Koester)
Preceding: the period of time before Hong-Kong's lease expired. (Jason Dias)
Labrador: The entrance into the laboratory (Cynthia MacGregor)
Earwig: Fur cap extensions to keep your ears warm on cold nights (Stan Kegel)
Embracable Ewe: Sheep herders love song. (Ken Pinkham)
Pelican: Regarding the abilities of a former star soccer player (Cynthia MacGregor)
Insect: A popular new religious group (Stan Kegel)
Primate: What mamas hope their daughters find. (Ken Pinkham)
Liposuction: Letting the fat out of the bag. (M. Rose Pierce)
Goulash: Messy Mascara (Brandy Brandon)
Gossip: One who woulkd rather listen to dirt than sweep it. (Leopold Fetchner)
Purpose: Somethoing a photographer has to put up with (Douglas Drill)
Ransom: Jogged a little (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Rooster: To regret swishing your spoon through the ingredients in the pot
(Cynthia MacGregor)
Donkey: What you need to get into the Godfather's house. (Stan Kegel)
Expired: a church after an earthquake. (Jason Dias)
Bobby Sox: Blows by a British policeman (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Incite: The place to build a hotel (Douglas Drill)
Hollandaise: Tuesday and Wednesday on the ten-day tour of Europe (Cynthia MacGregor)
Dissenter: The tallest man on the basketball team (Stan Kegel)
Prophesy: University lecturer on a cruise ship (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Recoup: Overthrow the government a second time. (Jason Dias)
Sherbet: A wager which has no chance of losing (Doug Ditch)
Fundamentalism: To support a medium. (Gary Hallock)
Firm Belief: Faith in your company (Joseph Leff)
Bible: What an Amish farmer must do to increase his herd. (Trevor Mytton)
Carmelite: Low-fat version of ice cream sundae with blonde topping (Cynthia MacGregor)
Curtail: The part of the dog that wags (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Dark Ages: Knight time (Stan Kegel)
Latest: A French exam (Douglas Drill)
Disengage: Give back the ring (Brandy Brandon)
Orgy: A swap meat (M. Rose Pierce)
Tantrum: A percussion instrument the color of sun-exposed skin. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Paradox: You somehow intuitively know the name of everyone in the world who
is psychic, and you are not on the list. (Mike Bass)
Curate: Measure of chances of your doctor making you well (Stan Kegel)
Artifacts: Trivia about Picasso (Soupy Sales)
Banquet: When it rained on the Savings and Loan. (Rosalie Moscovitch)
Cornet: How farmers catch falling corn (Douglas Drill)
Wine: Asking the reason for something (Cynthia MacGregor)
Microbe: Gown worn by TV and Radio evangelists (Stan Kegel)
Kiwi: Used to open tiny luggage locks (Rosalie Mocovitch)
Incite: Still visable (Brandy Brandon)
Somersault: Seasoning used in July and August (Douglas Drill)
VERBAL ABUSE
Iraq: Iran is a country between IRAQ and a hard place. (Richard Lederer)
Parasite: Did you prePARASITE for the tent? (Stan Kegel)
Moisturizer: I know you're sad; look how MOISTURIZER. (Jason Dias)
Habitat: The naked Mother Superior looked around her tiny room frantically
and muttered "Where's my HABITAT?" (Cynthia MacGregor)
Heron: "It must be hereditary. I'm losing every HERON my head." (Stan Kegel)
Often: Eight out OFTEN dentists agree... (Jason Dias)
Portrait: Stuttering is a PORTRAIT for a newscaster. (Stan Kegel)
Screen Din: When the installers are making a racket putting up the stuff
that keeps out the mosquitoes on your terrace, it's a SCREEN DIN porch.
(Cynthia MacGregor)
Scripture: Is this the SCRIPTURE grandfather is buried in? (Douglas Drill)
Lettuce: This New Year's eve LETTUCE celebrate together. (Stan Kegel)
Impotent: It is his immence power rather than his wealth that makes
IMPOTENT as an enemy (Douglas Drill)
Ferris Wheel: He's as FERRIS WHEEL get any judge to be. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Condor: "I CONDOR into staying all night with me." (Stan Kegel)
Sandwich: Junior doesn't need a sand box. He can play in that SANDWICH the
construction crew dumped in the backyard. (Doug Ditch)
Ejaculate: The boss said, "EJACULATE again, can't you ever be on time?"
(Ken Pinkham)
Exercise: You should see how large that hen is. I've never seen a bird lay
EXERCISE. (Gary Hallock)
Decibel: If Desi had taken Lucy's name instead of the other way around,
he'd have been DECIBEL (Bob Dvorak) That HERTZ. (Stan Kegel)
Liquor: Each time she pet the dog, he would LIQUOR. (Stan Kegel)
Tzar: Excuse me, but those TZAR our seats you are sitting in." (Douglas Drill)
Cowhide and Avoidable: "Did you see that COWHIDE to AVOIDABLE?" (Stan Kegel)
Giggle: Never mind the long boat, sailor, the captain's GIGGLE do (Douglas Drill)
Refuge: If you hadn't hollered at the REFUGE still be in the game. (Douglas Drill)
Parasynthesis: The minister condemning sex and alcohol said, "What a
PARASYNTHESIS!" (Stan Kegel)
TOM SWIFTIES
"I don't think it is possible to know the mind of god," said Agnes
stoically. (Jason Dias)
"I loved drives through the country before all these signs came up," said
Bill bored. (Gunjan Saraf)
"I think I'll publish this Tom Sawyer book under a pseudonym," remarked
Wayne. (Gary Hallack)
"Somebody just broke my percussion instrument, " Tim bawled. (Gunjan Saraf)
"But I can always do well with you as my partner," said Amy ably. (Bob Dvorak)
"I dislike the whole of Greece," said Tom discretely. (Jason Dias)
"I'm going to just forge ahead," said Beau, "regardless of what I may
lose." (Bob Dvorak)
"We don't need a machine to do that," said Arti sans hesitation.. (Gunjan Saraf)
"I assisted the dressmaker today," said Tom formally. (Jason Dias)
"I don't know what (b2 - 4ac) equals and I don't care!" said Tom
indiscriminately. (Clinton Rogers)
"I love hot dogs," said Tom with relish. (Asa Sparks)
"I foresee things getting better," said Claire buoyantly. (Bob Dvorak)
"I helped reattach that man's organ," Tom remembered. (Jason Dias)
"I don't think the animal rights people have it quite right," Tom inferred.
(Jason Dias)
"Have you ever been abducted by aliens?" Tom probed. (Jason Dias)
"I can't think of any more poetry," she said adversely. (Paul Dickson)
"There's a fee for crossing this bridge," Tom told us. "No, there's not any
more," his supervisor extolled. (Gary Hallock)
"Why shouldn't I stir my yoghurt with a ball-point pen?" Tom bickered.
(Gill Krebs)
"My swimming coach made me cut my hair very short," Cathy cried very
distressed. (Stan Kegel)
MONDEGREENS
Will you need me, will you still feed me, when I'm six feet four? (... when
I'm sixty-four) The Beatles "When I'm Sixty-Four" (Gavin Edwards)
There's a bathroom on the right. ( There's a bad moon on the rise) .The
Credence Clearwater Revival "There's a bad moon a risin'": (Jason Dias)
It's a hard egg (It's a heartache) Bonnie Taylor "It's a Heartache" (Gavin Edwards)
You need Kool-Aid, baby I'm not foolin' (You need coolin', baby I'm not
foolin') Led Zeppelin "Whole Lotta Love" (Gavin Edwards)
Clown Control to Mao Tse-Tung (Ground control to Major Tom) David Bowie
"Space Oddity" (Gavin Edwards)
I want to rock 'n roll all night, and part of every day (I want to rock 'n
roll all night, and party every day) Kiss "Rock and Roll All Nite" (Gavin Edwards)
CHIASMS
A long life is not good enough, but a good life is long enough. (Esther Jungreis)
As I feasted at our company end-of-year dinner, I reflected on my
underpowered computer, noting that for dinner I was having rack of lamb,
but at work I had a lack of RAM. (Mark Wadsworth)
It is better to be looked over than overlooked. (Archives)
QUOTES & BLOOPERS
"A nickel ain't worth a dime any more." (Yogi Berra)
"Predictions are difficult, especially about the future." (Yogi Berra)
"I really didn't say everything I said." (Yogi Berra)
"It's like deja vu all over again." (Yogi Berra)
"Always go to other peoples' funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours."
(Yogi Berra)
He lives under a consumed name. (Syman Hirsch)
The residents were evaporated from the flood area. (Syman Hirsch)
A major problem in America is jubuilat delinquency. (Syman Hirsch)
Housework is so monogamous. (Syman Hirsch)
I've got to get the shock observers fixed. (Syman Hirsch)
Our mayor is a very extinguished man. (Syman Hirsch)
The accused man was arranged in court. (Syman Hirsch)
Quote from coroner's office re efforts to identify the person whose leg
washed ashore in Boluga Bay: "We were stumped, basically" (Nan Bell &
Elizabeth Lindsay/Dave Barry)
New Orleans Times-Piocayune article re a breakout at an animal research
facility: "Tulane Center monkeys escape. Half are captured in time for
dinner." (Roy Winter/Dave Barry)
Tip for Visitors : Avoid the traffic by using one of the park's shuttle
buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger (Dave Barry)
OTHERS
Dad's waistline = Father figure (Phillip W. Gilman)
Game for chubby birds = Round robin (Phillip W. Gilman)
Quick kill for a stag = Fast buck (Phillip W. Gilman)
Athletic girls' blouses = Broad jumpers (Phillip W. Gilman)
Make kindling for Chinese take-out = Chopsticks (Phillip W. Gilman)
Erotic Italian spasm = Romantic (Phillip W. Gilman)
Movie: The French-Fries Connection: Drug dealers use MacDonald?s to
distribute their products (Stan Kegel)
Movie: With Sex You Get Eggroll: A prostitute uses a takeout Chinese
Restaurant to offer her noontime services (Stan Kegel)
Movie: The Six Cents : Three Little League mothers each put their "two
cents" in telling the coaches how to play their children. (Stan Kegel)
Movie: The Umpire Strikes Out: A baseball umpire scores a perfect game in
his bowling league (Stan Kegel)
Movie: Die Hard : A high draft pick is found dead after taking an overdose
of Viagra. (Stan Kegel)
"I'm sorry tell you this Mr. Charles but you've developed a heart
condition. You've got arhythmia'n'blues." (Gary Hallock)
It's absolutely normal Mr. Lindbergh to have a little weakness after a
flew. (Gunjan Saraf)
The chimney sweep had the flue. (Jason Dias)
Well Moe, you've got to stop hitting those other stooges over the head.
You've got a busted cap'o'Larry. (Gary Hallock)
Mr. Einstein you seem to be inflicted by deeptheoryia ! (Gunjan Saraf)
Daffy, I can see your pants are down, but the real problem is your chapped
lips. I can give you some medication for that. Shall I put it on your bill?
(Gary Hallock)
Mr. Schulz, it's very unusual for a cartoonist to loose his voice, but it
appears you've got a Charlie hoarse. (Gary Hallock)
Seen in a Farm Equipment sales office: The only machine we don't stand
behind is our manure spreader. (Sydes)
If Carmen McRae married and divorced Pierre Trudeau and married Rob Roy,
she'd become Carmen Trudeau Roy. (Alvin Hattal)
A girl named Dory wanted to marry William Meadow so she could change her
name to do re mi do. (Izzy Cohen)
There is a shoe store nearby run by a family named Talia. The problem is
that their son wanted to marry a girl named Gena. (Stu Boyton)
What Do You Get When You Cross A Pigeon With An Army General? A Military
Coo. (Sydes)
Headline: GAY BROTHEL HIRES HIMALAYAN MAN (Stephen Kramer)
Assertiveness Training Coach: Lois Steem (Lady Brie)
Chief of Tire Technology: Yessir Itsaflat (Lady Brie)
Customer Care Representative: Kurt Reply (Lady Brie)
Chief Justice: Judge Mental (Lady Brie)
Chief of Tire Technology: Yessir Itsaflat (Lady Brie)
Director of Purchasing: Lois Bidder (Lady Brie)
"Waiter, this sausage has meat at one end and bread at the other." "Well,
sir, you know how hard it is to make both ends meet these days." (Paul Dickson)
"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" "That's strange. What kind of soup is
it?" (Paul Dickson)
"Hey, waiter, you've got your thumb in my bowl of soup!" "Don't worry, sir,
the soup isn't hot." (Paul Dickson)
"Waiter, what's that in my soup?" "I'd better call the manager, sir, I
can't tell one insect from another." (Paul Dickson)
'Waiter, there's a hair in my soup." "That's not soup, it's rabbit stew!
(Norman Gilbert)
"Waiter, what is this fly doing in my alphabet soup?" "Learning to read?"
(Paul Dickson)
"Waiter, what is this fly doing in my alphabet soup?" "Learning to read?"
(Paul Dickson)
"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" "Just wait until you see the main
course." (Paul Dickson)