Puns of the Weak 5/3/02

[Stan Kegel]

PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 05/03/02

IN THE NEWS:

Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers. (Richard Lederer)

Those sadly young suicide bombers are the new baby boomers. (Richard Lederer)

Badean Cool told "60 Minutes" that a psychiatrist had convinced her she
had multiple personalities, includuing Satan and a duck. That's a good
combination. She could lay deviled eggs. (Gag-O-Matic)

HOLIDAY PUNS

Back in 1912, Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The
"Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment for delivery in Vera
Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship
after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery
and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a
national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of
course, as Sinko de Mayo.

I brought a flowering plant home to my wife who was pregnant with our
first child. "They're mums," I told her Since it was already a week past
her due date, my wife quipped, "You should have gotten impatiens." (Archives)

PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:

Why shouldn't you visit a doctor if you have had a stuffy nose for half
a fortnight?
Because it is only one week old. (One wee cold) (Stan Kegel)

The guy whose job it is to spray water over the veggies at the grocery
store develops an "attitude." Why should he be charged as a petty criminal?
Because of his mist demeanor . (Gary Hallock)

Ms. Moffo became such a temperamental diva in her latter days that
LaScala took a rather drastic step. What did they decide to do?
Ban Anna (Cynthia MacGregor)

What would the crime be called if Mark Anthony murdered his in-laws?
Cleopatricide (Gary Hallock)

When the purple dinosaur suddenly started eating the children, they did
a one-letter change to his name to describe his new behavior. What do
they call him now?
Carney (Clynch Varnadore)

Who is the beloved children's storybook author of ancient Greek times?
Dr Zeus (Tiff Wimberly)

OTHER RIDDLES:

What do you call two thousand songbirds?
Two Kilo mockingbirds (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

Why were miniskirts once called "dogs"?
Because you could peek on knees. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

What do you call the cart used by a chief Tibetian monk to carry around
a large South American animal?
The Dalia Lama's llama dolly. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

Why is an ink blotter like a lazy baby dog?
A blotter is a ink-lined plane. An inclined plane is a slope up. A slow
pup is a lazy baby dog (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

Why did the spider have fireflies for dinner?
She wanted to have a light meal. (Pure Humour)

DEFINITIONS:

Israel: All things that are not imaginary. (Gary Hallock)

Icelander: I libel aloud (Cynthia MacGregor)

Hacker: Heavy smoker (Irene A. Mystery)

Inbred: The contents of a sandwich (Stan Kegel)

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death (Douglas Helsel)

Injury: Where many court cases are decided (Cynthia MacGregor)

Irony: How Ronald MacDonald introduces himself (Ken Pinkham)

Intransigent: A man who is travelling (Stan Kegel)

Ireland: A country where people are quick to anger. (Gary Hallock)

Worksheet: A prostitute's office (Ladyhawke)

Inward: When your HMO won't spring for a private room. (Ken Pinkham)

Parents: People who bare infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.
(Harold Clark)

Intense: How small things are measured when you use the metric system.
(Gary Hallock)

Invent: Where the burglar got stick while breaking in thru the air
conditioner. (Ken Pinkham)

Ingenuity: Type of insurance plan sold on reservations (Stan Kegel)

Illinois: The sound of someone vomiting. (Gary Hallock)

Intensity: Where refugees often live. (Gary Hallock)

Incite: Visible (Stan Kegel)

Insect: You've joined a cult (Ken Pinkham)

TOM SWIFTIES:

"All I bought in Mexico were several pair of Boxer shorts," Tom declared
briefly to customs. (Stan Kegel)

"I only get Newsweek," said Tom timelessly. (Gill Krebs)

"I intend to improve my short golf game," Tom chipped in. (MF)

When I moved, I donated my breakfast room set to the thrift shop," Tom
added charitably (Stan Kegel)

"Please don't squeeze the toilet paper," said Mr. Whipple charmingly.
(Gill Krebs)

Tom jumped across the wet pavement on one foot hoping to make a good
impression. (Stan Kegel)

"I don't have a boyfriend", said Mary guilelessly. (Mark Israel)

"I swear these are the same baseball cards I gave away years ago," Tom
recollected. (Stan Kegel)

"Vere ist ze bathroom?" asked Hans peevishly. (Gill Krebs)

"As your re-elected governor, I will again reduce California's high
prison population and close several prisons," Tom resolved
condescendingly. (Stan Kegel)

"What do you think of the Tibetan ox?" yackety-yakked Tom. (Gill Krebs)

BLOOPERS:

Without electricity we would still be in the dark ages . (Richard Lederer)

Headline: Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge (Randall Woodman)

Pavlov studied the salvation of dogs (Richard Lederer)

Headline: Deer Kill 17,000 (Randall Woodman)

To find the number of square feet in a room, you multiply the room by
the number of feet. (Richard Lederer)

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7:00 to 8:30 p.m.
Please use the back door. (Rodney & Cathy)

My aunt can't have more kids because her tubes are tired. (Richard
Lederer)

Headline: Prostitutes Appeal to Pope (Randall Woodman)

The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
(Rodney & Cathy)

Headline: Prostitutes Appeal to Pope (Randall Woodman)

"Smooth out the radar" ("Smooth Operator" Sade) (Gavin Edwards)

On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: GOD IS GOOD.
Dr.Hargreaves is better. (Rodney & Cathy)

POETRY

A serious thought for today,
Is one that may cause us delay,
Just what are the forces
That bring little horses
If all the horses say nay?
(Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

The legume field hands
Are on strike for new contract
They must be pead off
(Guy Ben-Moshe)

The thesaurus editor's goal,
Was consummate diet control.
At lunch he said, "Please,
I am somewhat obese,
So I'll just have a synonym roll."
(Ms. Kitty)

She opened her dress
Asked "What's crawling down my back"?
Oh, my, I spied her
(Guy Ben-Moshe)

It seems stress creates
Temporal rifts and sew she
Makes a stitch in time
(By Gary Hallock)

Toxic chemical
Given to unwanted bug
Put the pest aside
(Guy Ben-Moshe)

Mary had a little watch,
She swollowed it, it's gone.
Now every time she takes a step
Time just marches on.
(Tracy Bennett)

DAILIES:

Soda truth was revealed - it was a sundae when Abe 'n Anna split. (Pun
of the Day)

To some people, marriage is a word and to others, a sentence. (Pun of
the Day encore)

When he kept glaring at her, she considered it a glaring error. (Jumble)

The suit will fit fine, once I give it a few tux. (The Big Pun)

I don't need to bring my evening carriage to philosophy class. I have a
Des cartes. (The Big Pun)

Antacid: What Insects Use To Get High. (Very Punny)

Why did the chocolate chip cookie visit the doctor?
He was feeling crummy. (The Daily Groaner)

Gamblers are always looking for a pair-a-dice (Pun of the Day encore)

After having an accident on the car's rug, the puppy was stripped of his
car pet privileges. (The Big Pun)

Where do tough chickens come from?
Hard boiled eggs (The Daily Groaner)

When crazy glue was invented lots of people became attached to it (Pun
of the Day encore)

When the wheel was invented, it caused a revolution! (Pun of the Day encore)

He's a real pain in the neck; of course, some people have a lower
opinion of him. (E4Fun)

I want to buy my friend from Penn State a stuffed mascot. 'Nitt any
lions lately? (The Big Pun)

Did you hear about the psychic midget who escaped from jail? The
headlines in the newspaper read "Small Medium At Large!" (The Daily Groaner)

I have come across some rare manuscripts written by a little-known
Florida author named E. Hahingway. One is a book of humor called "The
Pun Also Rises" A second is about growing old and is called " A
Farewell to Charms" The last one is the story of an aging opera star
who refuses to retire. This of course is, "The Old Man and the High C"
(Norm Stevenson/ Intl Save the Pun Fnd)

An auctioneer often looks forbidding. (Pun of the Day)

A professor without a pointer may find that his lecture is pointless
(Pun of the Day encore)

What did the curtain say to the wall?
I’m tired of hanging around all day. (The Daoly Groaner)

Why would Snow White make a good judge?
Because she’s the fairest one of all. (The Daily Groaner)

I am not a believer in seances, but I went to one just to see what they
are like. The psychic was doing his thing and grinning from ear to ear.
I assumed his merriment was due to the fact that he was fooling a
gullible public. I punched him in the nose. Well, I bet you can guess
the rest. I was arrested for striking a happy medium. (Joke of the Day)

The transportation engineer couldn't waste time plotting the voltages
from the static-electricity generator. He had a van to graaff. (The Big Pun)

In parking lots, arguments often start from scratch. (Pun of the Day)

“I haven’t been myself lately” “Yes, I noticed the improvement”
(Original Jokes and Puns)

A good baker will rise to the occasion -- it's the yeast he can do (Pun
of the Day encore)

A good way to negotiate with a carpenter is to hammer it out. (Jumble)

When two bakers traded buns they had a roll reversal? (Pun of the Day encore)

COMICS

Crosswords: “A kid’s survey” in 7 letters: “Tad Poll” (Frank & Ernest:
Bob Thaves)

Crosswords: 13 letters for damaged genes: “Heir pollution” (Frank &
Ernest: Bob Thaves)

Crosswords: 11 letters for “seismograph”? A “Faults Alarm” (Frank &
Ernest: Bob Thaves)

Crosswords: 8 letters for a driving tee on a golf course is a “Foresite”
(Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

“This clock was made in Zurich, Switzerland, by a watchmaker named Karl
Von Schmidt 50 years ago” “Amazing. How do you know that?” “I never
forget a face.” (Hagar The Horrible: Chris Browne)

ONE-LINERS:

I can't stop laughing. I must be suffering from premature joke elation.
(Paul Benoit)

Did you hear about the fellow who sat up all night wondering where the
sun went at night? It finally dawned on him. (Douglas Helsel)

Many a woman who thinks she has purchased a dress for a ridiculous price
has actually bought it for an absurd figure. (Harold Clark)

When the girdle was first invented, the woman who tried it on was asked
by the inventor if it fit. Her reply "Of Corset Does" (Daryl Stout)

Early to rise, early to bed makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead.
(James Thurber)

She flunked beauty school but they let her take a make-up exam. (Douglas Helsel)

Circular arguments often make the rounds. (Harold Clark)

If a sheep is a ram and a mule is an ass, how come a ram in the ass is a
goose? (Paul Benoit)

Note on refrigerator to wife: Someone from the Guyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal. I didn't know you liked beer. (Terry Galen)

The huffy cemetery manager accused the sculptor of monumental price
chiseling. (Cryptograms)

Show me a keen-eyed talking and musical bird and I'll show you a see
sharp myna. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

So, these vultures decided to fly to Florida on an airline. They got on
board carrying six dead raccoons, and the flight attendant said, 'I'm
sorry, but there's a limit of two carrion per passenger. (Syman Hirsch)

Man who put head on Rail Road track to listen for train likely to end up
with splitting headache. (Bree Schultz)

According to a New Jersey poll, 92% of married women say they would
marry the same man – Mel Gibson. (Jay Leno)

A horse eats best if it doesn't have a bit in its mouth. (Richard
Lederer and James Ertner)

A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. (Bree
Schultz)

Cereal killer caught while cashing victim's Chex. (Ruth S Oshins)

I'm way overdue for a promotion. I've made so many lateral moves I'm
beside myself. (Beckie Shiles)

Sign at a Chicago radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
(Alan Corwin)

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot! (Bree Schultz)

The pilot refused to help his church build a platform to set its
nativity scene on. He hated creche landings. (SGT Snorkel)

Did you hear that McDonald's bought the Baltimore arena? They're calling
it the Macarena. (Syman Hirsch)

The amputee robber removed his prosthesis to show us he was unarmed.
(David Reihmer)

She's only a columnist's daughter, but she's always chasing wild
roomers. (Louis Safian)

My mother-in-law was very upset when she couldn't find her late
husband's resting place, as the park rangers had re-located it. It was a
moving, grave situation. (Funky Munky)

In Dublin, GA, an NBA star was recently pulled over for going 120 MPH in
a 60 MPH zone. That's Doublin'. (John Haywood)

Their marriage was going O.K. until they bought a water bed, then they
started drifting apart. (Ruth S Oshins)

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. (Lee Daniel Quinn)

“Doc, I broke my arm in two places. What should I do?” “Well, definitely
don’t go back to either place.” (Danny Perry)

Wash your face in the morning, neck at night. (Bree Schultz)

A horse trots into a bar in search of a refreshment. The bartender looks
at him, and asks, "Why the long face?" (Richard Lederer and James
Ertner)

Clothes don't necessarily make the man, but a good suit makes a lawyer.
(Ruth S Oshins)

He was a dude before marriage. Now he's subdued.(Louis Safian)

LONGER PUNS:

A novelist friend of mine got very angry when his publisher spilt coffee
over the description of his hero. "Damn it, sir," he said, "Look at
what you've done to me; that's a stain on my character." (Joseph Harris)

The last thing to melt this spring was the hardy snow man I built in
December. There is was, a solitary hunk of ice in a sea of green,
proving once again the old adage that snow man is an island. (Scot Nelson)

A tiny insect managed to become a psychoanalyst. To celebrate his new
career, he went into the local saloon for a drink. The bartender asked,
"Are you a medical bug?" "No," was the reply, "I'm a Freud gnat.
(Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

A salamander was paroled from prison and went into the local saloon for
a drink. The bartender asked him, "Are you that salamander criminal?"
"No," came the reply, "I'm a freed newt. (Richard Lederer and James
Ertner)

The woman said to her butcher, "Those sausages you sold me yesterday
were meat at one end and nothing but cornmeal at the other end." The
butcher replied, "Well, you know how it is - it's difficult these days
to make both ends meat." (Bree Schultz)

Scientists have fitted live rats with remote controls to guide them
through mazes, past obstacles and even up trees by typing commands on a
laptop computer up to half a mile away. Hollywood, trying to capitalize,
will air a new cartoon, The Adventures of Rescue Rat, with his sidekick
Gopher Help. (Paul Benoit)

Did you hear about the fire at a Basque movie theater? Unfortunately
there was only a single emergencey exit door, so several people were
trampled. Which only goes to show that you shouldn't put all your
Basques in one exit. (Syman Hirsch)

An old arthritic dog was run over by a street cleaning vehicle, but
somehow managed to drag himself into a nearby saloon. "Are you all
right?" asked the bartender. "No," replied the dog, "I'm a flayed mutt."
(Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

It is believed that the stock markets go up and down with the rise and
fall of the hemlines in ladies skirts and dresses. Proof of this
phenomenon is in the following historical facts: Glamour stocks and mini
skirts soared in 1993. Conglomerates and hemlines went down in the
spring of 1994. Hot pants led the Dow Jones up in 1971. The advice to
the investor then, is, "Don't sell until you see the heights of their
thighs!" (Lee Daniel Quinn)

An anteater walks into a bar and asks for a drink."How about a beer?"
asks the bartender. "No-o-o-o-o-o-o" "Then how about a gin and tonic?"
"No-o-o-o-o-o" "A martini?" "No-o-o-o-o-o-" "The bartender gets fed up
and asks, "Hey listen, buddy, if you don't mind my asking, why the long
noes." (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

This guy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual
patients,he shows up in a limo, and he's sitting in the doctor's office
in a rented tuxedo with black tie. The doctor says "I've done a lot of
these, but I've never seen a limo and tuxedo before. What's the story?"
To which the fellow responds "If I'm gonna BE im-potent, I'm gonna LOOK
im-potent!" (D. A. Funk)

Has anyone else noticed the English chauvinism in the novel Dracula?
Count Dracula and his Transylvanian wives are all portrayed as evil
bloodsuckers, but the young English lady the Count transforms into one
of the undead is depicted as a pitiable victim and not wicked, though
she is preying on innocent young children. This is because, in Victorian
literary tradition, the sin never sets on the British vampire. (Seth Cohen)

Two lions stroll into a bar. "Get a load of that babe at the end of the
bar," one whispers to the other, "She looks good enough to eat." And the
lion goes to the other end of the bar and devours the woman. The next
day when he meets his friend, he complains of stomach pains, "I told
uou," shouts the friend, "It's that barbiturate. (Richard Lederer and
James Ertner)

Stan Levitz turned 68. The family had a dinner for him. His
granddaughter's friend, Deborah, was there. She asked if he got out much
anymore. Stan said, "Sure, I still go out frequently, but in pieces.
First my back goes out then my neck, then my knee...." (Marsha Coleman)

FOR THE CHILDREN:

What would happen if pigs could fly?
Bacon would go up. (Bree Schultz)

What did Ben Franklin say when he discovered electricity?
“I’m shocked!” (Taylor, 8)

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?
Because he had such a bright class. (Jessica, 10)

What do you get when you cross hot dogs with bobcats?
Sausage Lynx (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

Why did the Amish couple get divorced?
He was driving her buggy. (Syman Hirsch)

How did the two vampires fall in love?
It was love at first bite (William, 9)

Why did the banker break up with his girlfriend?
He lost interest. (Syman Hirsch)

What do you call a hyperactive Irishman who keeps bouncing off of walls.
Rick O'Shea (The Daily Groiner)

How do you know your baseball was cut?
It has stitches. (Jaime, 11)

Why did the fig go out with the prune?
It couldn’t find a date. (Danny Perry)

How does a vampire like his food served?
In bite-sized pieces (Tre, 9)

What do you get if you find a four-leaf clover in a patch of poison ivy?
A rash of good luck (Julie, 10)

Why did the rabbit eat a diamond ring?
Because he heard it was a carrot. (Karl, 11)

Why shouldn’t you marry a tennis player?
Because love means nothing to them. (Cory, 13)

What does an envelope say when you lick it?
Nothing. It just shuts up. (Madaline, 11)

FOR ADULTS ONLY:

She was only an apple-grower's daughter, and she couldn't wait to get it
in cider. (Richard Lederer)

While vacationing in Alabama, the big city man discovered he had no
writing paper. He went into an old-fashioned country store. Behind the
counter was a really nice looking young lass. He asked, "Do you keep
stationery?" "Well," she giggled, "I can until I have an orgasm, then I
just go plain wild and crazy!" (Marina)

I don't need cyber-sex.... AOL goes down on me all the time (E4Fun)

People who say that they don't fart are probably full of hot air. (Biker Lynn)

Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening
progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her. After some
really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to making
love?" "That is something I have never done before," Jill replied.
"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?" Jack was amazed. "No,
silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!" (LOL)

What's the difference between a poor marksman and a constipated owl?
A poor marksman shoots but never hits. (Richard Lederer)

A man on a business trip went to a singles bar, approached two ladies,
and offered either of them two hundred dollars to spend the night with
him. One girl stormed out in a rage, but the other remained cool, calm
and collected. (Laff-A-Day)

She was only an ornithologist's daughter, and, with her parakeets, she
loved to play with a cockatoo. (Richard Lederer)

What's the best pick-up line in a gay bar?
May I push in your stool. (John Glover)

My cousin is an agoraphobic homosexual, which makes it kind of hard for
him to come out of the closet. (Bill Kelly)

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
(Matt Barry)

What's the difference between an identical female sibling and a tornado
in a whorehouse?
An identical female sibling is a twin sister (Richard Lederer)

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.
"Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant." "But that can't be.
The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practice
sex, only with our eyes." "Well, my dear," said the doctor, "someone in
that colony must be cockeyed." (Ladyhawke)

How many Hollywood starlets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Hollywood starlets don’t screw in light bulbs. Hollywood starlets screw
in hot tubs. (Archives)

A lady goes to the gynecologist for an exam. While examining her, the
doctor asks, "So, did you ever have a check-up here before?" "No" she
replied, "but I have had a couple of Germans and a Russian" (Lorraine A. Bellis)

What's the difference between a fox chase and Lady Godiva?
A fox chase is a hunt on a course.(Richard Lederer)

What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by the fuzz?
"No. But I've been swung around by the tits." (Harold Clark)

A middle-aged woman was standing in front of her mirror admiring her
clothing. "Look, dear," she said to her husband, "I can still get into
the same skirts I had before I got married." "Yeah," he snorted, "I wish
I could say the same."(Gag-O-Matic)

What do you call a 400 lb. woman who likes to screw men and women at the
same time?
A bisexual built for two. (Pure Humour)

Australian Kiss: Same as a French Kiss, only down under (Gunjan Saraf/
Very Punny)

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an owl?
A smart ass that knows it all (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

What does a dominatrix give her clients on their birthdays?
Gag gifts (Playboy)

What's the difference between a horny sheath on a toe and an
unsuccessful date?
A horny sheath on a toe is a toenail. (Richard Lederer)

Peter's sitting in a coffee shop, staring at a girl wearing the tightest
pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he
walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?" The young lady
looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me
dinner!" (William Brabant)

She was only a moonshiner's daughter, and the mountin' men loved her
still. (Richard Lederer)