Lawyers

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Keith Sullivan

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Dec 4, 1998, 3:00:00 AM12/4/98
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SO, ZOO ME

A fire in a New Jersey zoo killed more than 200 reptiles. "It's a real
tragedy. The community is now without any legal help." --Kenny Noble
Cortes

ShopTalk, June 2, 1998 <Shop...@listserv.syr.edu>
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WHICH KIND?

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard
talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked
Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

Giggle's Humor List <jan...@midrivers.com>
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SOFTWARE LICENSE AGREEMENTS

Dilbert: "I didn't read all of the shrink-wrap license agreement on my
new software until after I opened it. Apparently I agreed to spend the
rest of my life as a towel boy in Bill Gates' new mansion."

Dogbert: "Call your lawyer."

Dilbert: "Too late. He opened software yesterday. Now he's Bill's
laundry boy."

Dogbert: "It must be dangerous for lawyers to iron pants; they'd always
have one hand in a pocket."

Scott Adams
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ATTORNEYS CASTS THEIR SERVICES UPON THE WATERS

MIAMI, FL (DPI) -- With the burning of the cruise ship Ecstasy, personal
injury lawyers turned out in herds on the docks waiting for the ship to
be to towed back to port. The more enterprising ones created a new
version of ambulance chasing by hiring anything with a motor that
floated to go out to the damaged vessel and get first dibs on the
soon-to-be-litigating passengers. Many of them taped their business
cards to rocks and hurled them onto the deck of the ship, while others
used Nerf footballs offering to represent those hurt by falling rocks.
The school of shysters circled the ship and prompted one passenger to
say, "It was kind of neat to watch them. Just like dolphins. But I
hear they're related to the shark family."

Reported by Dave Henry
The Daily Probe, July 27, 1998 <owner-da...@gmbweb.com>
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CALIFORNIA & PERSONAL INJURY LAWYERS

Dear Dr. Science,

If I get a speeding ticket, can I sue the manufacturer for not warning
me that the car can go too fast?

Rebecca Schwartz, Putney, VT

Only in California. Chances are you'll be contacted by a personal
injury lawyer looking for business. In California, lawyers not only
chase ambulances but patrol cars that stop speeders. You could also
simply sign onto a giant class action suit the entire state of
California is preparing against the rest of the country, hoping to solve
its financial problems through litigation. This is the kind of thing
that happens when the percentage of lawyers in a state exceeds a
critical mass.

Copyright 1996 Duck's Breath Mystery Theatre. All rights reserved.

Dr. Science <http://www.drscience.com>
The Good Clean Funnies List <gc...@usa.net>
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HELL

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint
Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The
Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a
homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this
out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was
true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough
to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more!
Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter
nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too,
had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do
with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Funsite
Funnies Mailing List <fun...@jps.net>

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