Puns of the Weak 03/15/02

[Stan Kegel]

PUNS OF THE WEAK :for the week ending 03/15/02

HOLIDAY PUNS: THE IDES OF MARCH

At the senate that most fateful day
Caesar's friends overheard him just say
What he'd eaten for lunch
And this gave them the hunch
He said "I et tuna, brewed tea."
(Gary Hallock)

Frederick the actor had magnificent fur coats. During the early spring
he'd wear the Hides of March (Norman Gilbert)

HOLIDAY PUNS: SAINT PATRICK’S DAY

"No man is an Ireland." (Richard Daily)

I have an appointment to see my cardiologist today. He’s Irish. Name’s
Angie O’Plasty (Stan Kegel)

Why can't you ever borrow money from a leprechaun?
Because they are always short. (Archives)

Our village had its annual St. Patrick's Day parade with rock and roll
bands marching. Actually it wasn't really rock and roll. It was sham
rock. (Stan Kegel)

Now the Irish have a new clinic for those who want to stop smoking. It's
called Nicotine Anonymous. If you get the urge to smoke, you call them
and they send a man over and you get drunk together. (Paul Benoit)

They’re making a new XXX movie. It's about an anorexic Irish prostitute
who hops from bed to bed. Her name’s Tramp O'Lean. (David Reihmer)

Irish you hadn't said that. (Cele)

The Irish: An English-piquing people. (Archives)

Their constant conflicts must some day lead the Irish to see the Eire of
their ways. (Archives)

IN THE NEWS:

A volcano is erupting in the Philippines. It's changed travel agency
promotions for the country. The islands are now designated as either
smoking or non-smoking. (Alan Ray)

Most of those condoms given out at the Olympics turned out to be for all
the athletes who were screwed by the judges. (Jay Leno)

What happened at the Tri-State Crematorium probably happens all over the
country, but the owners of the other places are smart enough to burn the
evidence. (Robert Mader)

Jesse Jackson, Jimmy Swaggart and Jim Bakker have co-authored a new
book. It's titled, "Ministers do more than lay people!" (Cascade Express)

PUNY RIDDLE CHAIN:

Goosebumps, the children’s periodical by R. L. Stine, is getting
stranger every issue. The current story is about the souls of dead
turkeys returning to Plymouth on Thanksgiving Eve and playing pranks in
the Puritan's kitchens. It is entitled ...
Poultrygeist (Stan Kegel)

In what legal venue would a rabbit seek to settle a dispute over whereit
is allowed to eat or defecate?
A Pellet Court (Gary Hallock)

What California city sounds like what you'd have if you ate a certain
brand of waffle at the beach?
Sandy Eggo (Clynch Varnadore)

You could say that people are afraid of getting Cat Scratch Fever have what?
Claws-trophobia (Tiff Wimberly)

If you saw a rose trellis and a dune by a lighthouse in a windstorm,
what would you actually be seeing?
A beacon lattice and tornado sand ridge (Stan Kegel)

Coming into my kitchen in the middle of the night, I was amazed to
discover my spice and herb jars walking in unison across the counter in
lockstep. Shocked at such behavior, I banished them back to the spice
rack.All but one meekly obeyed; that one herb refused to give up its
procession across my countertop. Why?
Because Thyme Marches On (Cynthia MacGregor)

I was walking down Wall Street one day and I looked up and was amazed to
see that I was being mass mooned by naked asses protruding from each
window in a particular building. When I saw the name of the brokerage on
the front door, it suddenly all made sense. What was the name of the
firm?
Bare Sterns & Co. (Gary Hallock)

According to the Bible, who talked at the youngest age?
Job. He cursed the day he was born. (Stan Kegel)

OTHER RIDDLES:

What did the impatient waiter ask the gluttonous aardvark?
Is that your final ant, sir? (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

How many condiments did the hungry woman buy at the supermarket?
Olive them. (Cynthia MacGregor)

What do you call an Argentinean donkey with an inflated opinion of himself?
A pampas ass (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what
does a mohel carry?
A Bris-kit! (Ron Klar)

Why don't spiny anteaters get sick?
Because they are filled with antibodies (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

What is the flower that gives you the least enjoyment for your money?
A mini-mum (Cynthia MacGregor)

What does a grizzly need to hibernate?
Just the bear essentials (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

DEFINITIONS:

Doldrums: Former Vice President's bongos (Gary Hallock)

Algorithm: Experienced by another former VP when he hears doldrums.
(Gary Hallock)

Gymnosperm: nickname for an impotent man named James. (Scot Nelson)

Equipment: Having to explain a joke sent out over the internet (Stan
Kegel)

Sequestrate: What the cruise trip will cost (Kim Soriano)

Bible: What an Amish farmer must do to increase his herd. (Trevor Mytton)

Pillaged: Out of date medication. (J. A. Mc.)

Solvent: A hole in the bottom of a shoe (Stan Kegel)

Yacht: What you should do. (Keith Martin)

Rabbit farmer: Hare raiser (Robert Meyers)

Bambino: A negative response from a mother deer (Richard Lederer and
James Ertner)

Jacket: What you do to a car when you have a flat tire (Kim Soriano)

Anatomy: Am insect's stomach (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

Racket: What you do before the break in pool (Stan Kegel)

Zoological - The best way to lay out the zoo. (Ken Pinkham)

Yellow: Town crier reading out list of debtors (Joseph Harris)

Eunoch: What you do if the doorbell is out of order. (Stan Kegel)

Xylem: What an out of breath immigrant asks for (Joseph Harris)

Expectorant: Mother's sister is pregnant (Stan Kegel)

Winking: Victorious ruler. (Tim Buenking)

Quinine - What you ask after you've knocked at the Buckingham Palace.
(Gunjan Saraf)

Buffalo: A greeting between two nudists (Richard Lederer and James
Ertner)

TOM SWIFTIES:

"I'm having to do everything myself during the strike," said Tom minding
his own business. (Stan Kegel).

"Okay, you can switch on the electric chair now," said Tom conceitedly.
(Gill Krebs)

"Those ballet students should be forced to do their exercises in the
nude," said Tom barbarically. (Gil Krebs)

"It difficult to cut hair properly with these ancient tools," said Tom
barbarically (Stan Kegel)

"Do you believe in the myth of Red Indian cannibalism?" asked Tom
creatively. (Gill Krebs)

"I'm losing my hair," Tom stated baldly (Stan Kegel).

"Brush better, or you will have cavities," Dr. Tom said precariously
(Lou Stewart)

"Too bad I can't castle now!" said Tom in Czech. (Gill Krebs)

"This tractor is quite weather-beaten," Tom said rustically.. (Weber & Bryan)

"I'm certain these baseball cards I spent a fortune on are the same ones
I gave away years ago," Tom recollected. (Stan Kegel).

"The lion has its head caught in the skylight", said Tom uproariously.
(Gill Krebs)

"This wool is pretty low quality," Tom said sheepishly. (Weber & Bryan)

BLOOPERS:

On Wide World of Sports: "Leo Label has been competing with a pulled
stomach muscle showing a lot of guts." (Jim McKay)

Headline: DEAD GUITARIST NOW SLIMMER AND TRIMMER
Explanation: Grateful Dead guitarist, Jerry Garcia, was on a diet.
(Richard Lederer)

A sign on a restroom hand dryer at a Chicago airport: "Do not activate
with wet hands." (Bree Schultz)

In the window of an Oregon store: " Why go elsewhere and be cheated when
you can come here?" (Peter Bergt)

Headlines: March planned for next November. (Syman Hirsch)

In a New York restaurant - "Customers who find our waitresses rude ought
to see the manager." (Bree Schultz)

"So, cold sufferers, stop at your neighborhood drug store first thing
tomorrow and pick up a bottle of Vick's Naval Spray" (Commercial)

Headline: LITTLE PEOPLE STRIKE VICTIMS
Explanation: It is the people with small businesses, not the players,
who are hurt most by baseball strikes. (Richard Lederer)

Headline: Two Convicts Evade Noose; Jury Hung (Thieving Joker)

"So when you are in the market for a perfect gift, may we rewind you
about Timex." (John Cameron Swayze during a commercial)

A Belfast newspaper once reported the launching of an aircraft carrier
and recorded: "The Duchess smashed the bottle against the bow, and amid
the applause of the crowd she slid on her greasy bottom into the sea.
(Paul Benoit)

On the Jack Parr show, Eva Gabor, wanting to tell Parr she watched his
show every night, said, "You know, Jack, I go to sleep with you every
night." (Kermit Schaffer)

POETRY

A transvestite from Lyford-By-Tyme
When charged with a terrible crime.
Said, "Your honor, Oh No!
It cannot be so,
For I was abroad at the time."
(Norman Gilbert)

In choosing your friends
Beware of candle makers
They're wicked people
(Guy Ben-Moshe)

If you get an itch
To learn dermatology
You must start from scratch
(Gary Hallock)

Doctor Killjoy fell down the well
And he broke his collar bone
Doctors are supposed to treat the sick
And leave the well alone.
(Spike Mulligan)

Little Miss Muffit,
Deciding to rough it
Went into the forest medieval
There a bounder espied her
And plied her with cider.
So now she's the forest's prime evil!
(Jerry Ulett)

I once knocked a foul-mouthed screwball,
From a building of 10 stories tall,
Even though I protested,
I still was arrested
For making an obscene clone fall.
(Bradley Williams)

Barbers are meddling!
Have you ever noticed they're
Always in your hair?
(Guy Ben-Moshe)

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead
Now it goes to school with her
Between two hunks of bread.
(John Glover)

DAILIES:

There is a new bleach designed specifically for accountants. It is
called Enron. It gets the red ink out of spreadsheets. (Norm Stevenson/
Intl Save the Pun Fnd)

A job that takes a lot of interest to get ahead is a loan shark. (Jumble)

On cooking shows, there is little margerine of error. (Pun of the Day)

A female espionage agent tried to seduce a man to get important
information without knowing the man was impotent. It turned out to be
emission impossible. (Very Punny)

I tried desperately to make a loaf of wheat bread, but the whole thing
went arye. (The Big Pun)

Judi was playing Trivial Pursuit one night not long ago. When she rolled
the dice she landed on "Science and Nature." The question put to her
was, "If you're in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear
it?" Judi thought hard for a few seconds and asked, "Is it on or off?"
(Ray Owens Joke of the Day)

Wild pigs moving freely through the Rio Grande valley could aptly be
called, “Sows of the border!” (Cryptograms)

Queen Elizabeth has put together a panel of advisors to explore options
for building more public toilets. It is, of course, her "Privy
Council." (Anita Moravec Gard/ Intl Save the Pun Fnd)

I phoned the zoo but the lion was busy. (Pun of the Day)

How do you make holy water?
First, you boil the hell out of it. Then, you freeze it and make
pope-cicles. (The Daily Groaner)

If you swallow uranium you will probably get atomic ache. (Pun of the Day)

Watching ironworkers on a skyscraper can be riveting. (Jumble)

What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
A cat has its claws at the end of its paws and a comma has it's pause
at the end of a clause. (The Daily Groaner)

A prisoner's favorite punctuation mark is the period. It marks the end
of his sentence. (Pun of the Day)

To golf at your favorite course may require a long drive (Pun of the Day)

The Russian musician ate borscht when he was on tour because he liked
the beet. (Jumble)

A guy went on a cheese diet in order to cheddar few pounds (Pun of the Day)

A cottage cheese diet is eating your curds and weigh (Pun of the Day)

When the designer finished the movie star’s coat, the director said,
“It’s a wrap.” (Jumble)

Answering the last question wrong, I was denied my citizenship to
Finland. I was so close to being finished! (The Big Pun)

Why did the three little pigs leave home?
Their father was an awful boar. (The Daily Groaner)

What do you get when you cross a matzo ball with LSD?
A trip to Israel (The Placebo Page)

COMICS

Two heads are better than one. But then you’d have to wash two faces.
(The Family Circle: Bill Keane)

The early bird catches the worm. If you’re a worm, you’re better off
late. (The Family Circle: Bill Keane)

Time and tide wait for no man. And a school bus waits for no boy. (The
Family Circle: Bill Keane)

Let the chips fall where they may as long as they don’t fall into the
dip. (The Family Circle: Bill Keane)

“Look, ... A shoe.” “Gesundheit!” (Drabble: Kevin Fagan)

The price of poetry and logic books just went up for no rhyme or reason.
(Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. It didn’t work the day I ate that
hard green one. (The Family Circle: Bill Keane)

I fear my celery is stalking me. (Mr. Potato Head: Davis & Koth)

ONE-LINERS:

Did you hear about the time Billy Graham preached while sitting on a
horse? It was a sermon on the mount. (James Ertner)

I called the restaurant and ordered won ton soup. The laconic waiter
replied, "Sorry sir, we sell soup by volume, not by weight." (Scot
Nelson)

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. (Jerry Ulett)

In marriage the bride gets a shower but for the groom its curtains (H.
Aaron Cohl)

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away!
(Spike Milligan)

She has a Supreme Court figure. No appeal! (Louis A. Safian)

Without geometry, life is pointless. (Douglas Helsel)

Did you hear about the time Billy Graham preached at Yankee Stadium? It
was a sermon on the mound. (Conrad A. Macina)

Are Filipino contortionists Manila folders?. (Marsha Coleman)

How come you have to pay someone to rotate your tires? Isn't that the
basic idea behind the wheel? Don't they rotate on their own? (Douglas
Helsel)

I was engaged to a contortionist, but she broke it off. (H. Aaron Cohl)

She's pretty well reared. She doesn't look so good in front either.
(Louis A. Safian)

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red. (Douglas Helsel)

If God had meant us to marry for love, why had He created mistresses?
(Iain Pears)

Middle age is that difficult period between adolescence and retirement
when you have to take care of yourself (Myrddin)

Sign at a nudist colony: Sorry, clothed for winter. (John Glover)

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. (Jerry Ulett)

I never wear gloves on a date. I feel better without them. (Bree Schultz)

The long jump is measured to the nearest athlete's foot. (Joseph Harris)

Every silver lining has a cloud around it. (Richard Lederer)

He's called a big thinker by people who lisp (Louis A. Safian)

When a billing clerk goes psycho, he hears strange invoices. (Henny Youngman)

Drug companies have come up with a new product, a combination
aphrodisiac and laxative. They say the results are “Easy come, easy go.”
(Amy’s Antics)

He took her to church where they burned incense and he knew her in the
biblical scents. (Stan Kegel)

Angry customer: I thought you said this was a good car. It won't even go
uphill. Used car dealer: I said, "On the level, it's a fine car. (Archives)

Every calendar's days are numbered. (Jerry Ulett)

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it its not so hot. (H.
Aaron Cohl)

Those income tax forms are really something. Who said you couldn't get
wounded by a blank? (Syman & McNair)

A cross between a puppy and a bunny is a rabid dog (Whimsical Wit)

Adolescence is a time of rapid change. Between 12 and 17, a parent can
age 20 years. (Frank Stewart)

She boasts she got that dress for a ridiculous figure. Obviously. (Louis
A. Safian)

I know a dwarf who lives at the gravitational neutral point between the
Earth and the Sun. He's a gnome on LaGrange. (Robin Johnson)

In my dream, Humpty Dumpty called me on his cell phone, but he was
really breaking up on me. (Scot Nelson)

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. (Jerry Ulett)

Is that seat saved? No, but we're praying for it! (Marsha Coleman)

Man rules the roost. Woman rules the rooster. (H. Aaron Cohl)

In this world you've got to be a little crazy, or else you will go nuts.
(Henny Youngman)

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. (Douglas Helsel)

LONGER PUNS:

Mel Gibson is very fond of dogs and has several dog photographs hanging
in his home. His favorite is one which he had taken with one of Lassie's
pups. It's titled "Mel and Collie Baby." (Jerry Ulett)

I knew a chap called John Bourne. If you put members of his family along
a road at one mile intervals and drove past at 60 MPH, there'd be one
Bourne every minute! (Johann von Haupkopf)

After working the crowd the autograph hound lacked only the signature of
the former vice president's wife, so when he spotted her at the far edge
of the field, he called to his friend, "Come on, it's a long way to
Tipper, Harry" (Barbara Stegman)

Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand and the
data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft
report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an
error, the tech called the farmer directly. "Is it true Mr. Smith that
you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked. "Yeth." lisped the farmer. Being a
Howard County girl herself, the tech entered: "Subject lost 2 sows and
25 pigs." (Renee from Napa)

Did you hear that Chevy and Toyota will be working together to build a
car at the old Chevette factory? The new sports car will feature bucket
seats and automatic wipers. It will be called the Toy-a-let. (Dave
White)

“Be on the lookout, my friends, for the enemy which shows up every War
God Month. She is known by the mortal name, Marjorie Swayed. She is
roaming around selling inferior sheepskins, substandard calf skins and
pony skins, so ill-produced that they cannot be cured. Beware the hides
of Marge, seize her.” (Leo Munro)

A while back someone tried to convince me that it was a pair of Irish
elctrical engineers that invented the first electronic public address
system. I didn't bite - it sounded like just another patent mike story.
(Glenn Gardner)

My wife was wrapping an odd assortment of gifts for a bridal shower: an
antique pitcher, an electrostatic dust wand, a box of brownie mix and a
blue-flowered candle. I asked her why the strange collection. "It's
traditional," she replied. "Something old, something new, something
bar-coded, something blue." (Les Miller)

October 1066: Two Norman Soldiers relaxing after the Battle of Hastings.
First soldier: "What a battle! What a victory! You know, I have a
feeling that someday schoolchildren will read about this battle as one
of the turning points in history." Second soldier: "Maybe. But the books
will have to protect the kids from most of the details." "Why?" "Two
much Saxon violence." (Syman Hirsch)

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the
subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My
husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a
communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. He
communicates real well and I just act like I'm listening." (Archives)

Two widows were visiting in the lounge of the Seniors' Center. "Well,"
one said, "Margaret has just cremated her third husband." "Yeah, that's
the way it goes," replied the other widow. "Some of us can't find a
husband, and others have husbands to burn!" (Angie)

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her
constipation. "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a
week." "I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour in the
morning and again at night." "No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take
anything?" "Naturally," she answered, "I take a book." (Ian Miller)

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the jar. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year old daughter to
answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her
mother. Then she added., "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you
right now. She's hitting the bottle." (Maurizio Mariotti)

As the crowded elevator began to descend from the twelfth floor, I heard
another passenger say, “I think this is the same elevator in which a
cable broke yesterday. It plummeted ten floors to the basement.
Fortunately, no one was hurt.” How come there were no injuries?, I
asked. “Because everyone wore his light fall coat.” (Archives)

A sergeant and two men from his platoon went to a tavern near the base
one night. The sergeant asked an attractive army nurse to join him in a
game of pool. The nurse said, "I would rather play with your privates."
(John Glover)

There are many businesses that are home to resident cats. One particular
bar in our neighborhood has a very well groomed resident cat who is
quite friendly. In fact the owner has a rule that no customer may order
a drink without having the kitty sit in his lap and groom herself for a
while. He wants to be sure that all his customers can hold their licker.
(Catherine Shoemaker)

Morris Epstein was taking an oral examination, applying for his US
citizenship papers. He was asked to spell "cultivate". He spelled it
correctly. He was then asked to use the word in a sentence. He looked
up, smiled up and said, " Last vinter on a very cold day I vas vaiting
for a bus. But it vas too cultivate, so I took de subway home." (Bree Schultz)

FOR THE CHILDREN:

What birds spend all their time on their knees?
Birds of pray (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

Why are soldiers so tired on April 1?
Because they have just finished a 31 day March (Kyle, 10)

What happened to the car made of wood?
It wooden go. (Vivian, 10)

What does a snail say when it rides on a turtle's back?
Weeeee! (Kelly Cooper)

How do you keep a fish from smelling?
Cover its nose (Victor, 9)

How can a fish measure its weight?
With its scales (Michael, 6)

Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark hives (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

What did the kangaroo say while standing at the edge of a cliff?
"I don't want to jump to any conclusions." (Jim Ertner)

“What’s the weather like?“ “I don’t know. It’s too cloudy to tell.” (Yoanna)

What did the beaver say to the tree?
It's been nice gnawing you (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

What do you call a fly after it's four days old?
5 days old! (Dim Wit)

“Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.”
“How do you feel?”
“A little down in the mouth” (Ian Miller).

How does a dog get rid of fleas?
He starts from scratch. (Anna, 9)

Why didn't the donkey with an I. Q. Of 160 have any friends?
Because no one likes a smart ass. (Richard Lederer and James Ertner)

Why couldn’t the bike stand up straight?
Because it was too tired. (Jake, 10)

FOR ADULTS ONLY:

Donkey roast tonight, it should be a lot of fun, everyone gets a piece
of ass. (LOL)

Remember when Billy Graham preached at an adult film star convention. He
gave a sermon on the mount. (Stan Kegel)

Man who masturbate only screwing himself (Fuhrman)

Have you heard about the twenty-five-year-old woman who married an
octogenarian?
Very soon she felt old age creeping up on her (Richard Lederer)

Why did the Moyel retire?
He just couldn't cut it anymore. (Ishay Sommer)

Just because your penis surgery was not successful is no reason to go
off half-cocked.(Ed Hexter)

During Clinton's interview with the grand jury, the prosecutor held up a
picture of Monica and asked the president if he had everseen this woman.
Bill Clinton replied, "I think I've come across her face a couple of
times" (Terry Galen)

As they went to bed the husband showed the condoms he got at the
Olympics. “The gold is for tonight,” he said. The wife answered, “Use
the silver and come second.” (The Placebo Page)

Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
She's withholding evidence. (Terra Firma)

What do you call money for the pay toilet?
Johnny Cash (Richard Lederer)

Have you heard about the virginal man with thinning hair?
He hadn't gotten balled yet. (Richard Lederer)

Good thing Courteney Cox-Arquette didn't marry David Zucker. (Tony Etienne)

She was only a mason's daughter, and she got laid up and down the block.
(Richard Lederer)

Nike is coming out with a new shoe called the Lesbian. They are made
with longer tongues! (Ginny McMullin)

What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on. (Terra Firma)

What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?
Depends. (Bob)

Schoolboy who mess around with school girl during wrong period get
caught red-handed. (Fuhrman)

She was only a swimmer's daughter, and she knew every dive in town.
(Richard Lederer)

Mahoney: "I haven't been feelin' meself lately!" McMaken: "Tis a good
thing, too - that was a nasty habit you had!" (Angie)

Which doesn't belong? Eggs, rugs , meat, a blow job.
You can beat eggs, rugs and your meat but you can't beat a blow job.
(Richard Lederer)

What do you call a gay dentist? A tooth fairy. (Terry Galen)

Virgin: A girl who is yet to meet her maker. (Stan Kegel)

My friend started using Viagra. His wife was happy about that for the
first week or so, but now she thinks he might be addicted. He's been
popping the pill five or six times a day! She got so upset with him last
night, she told him he could go screw himself. He did. (Paul Benoit)

What do you call a Florida gynecologist?
A spreader of old wive's tails. (Alan B. Combs).

Did you hear about the constipated composer?
He couldn't finish the last movement. (Ed Hexter).

Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand. (Terra Firma)

Incest is relatively boring, (Richard Lederer)

What did the real baby say to the test tube baby?
Your dad is a jerk-off. (Ed Hexter)

She was only a dentist's daughter, and everybody wanted to fill her
cavity (Richard Lederer)

Peter Boyle: A venereal disease. (Stan Kegel)

Necrophilia is dead boring. (Richard Lederer)

"Lee, I'm convinced my partial erection will satisfy you". said Tom,
half-hard, at Lee. (David Reihmer)

Have you heard about the movie star who lost popularity with his fans
when he appeared in a blue movie?
They were disappointed with his small part. (Richard Lederer)