Drummer Jokes

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Hugh Janus

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Oct 18, 1999, 3:00:00 AM10/18/99
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Q: How do you get two drummers to play in time?
A: Shoot one.
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Q: What did the drummer say to the singer?
A: "You want this too fast or too slow?"
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Q: What's the range of a fretless bass?
A: Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
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Q: What was the epitaph on the blues player's gravestone?
A: "I didn't wake up this morning..."
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A little boy tells his mom: "I wanna be a drummer when I grow up!"
His mother replies, "Honey, you can't do both!"
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Q: How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
A: Put sheet music in front of him!

-->> . . . .. ...
Hugh Janus
Big Arse Enterprises
... .. . . . <<--

How do you make a hormone ?
Don't pay her

Ross Edwards

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Oct 19, 1999, 3:00:00 AM10/19/99
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Q. How do you know when the stage is level?
A. Saliva drips out *both* sides of the drummer's mouth.

Q. What's got three legs and a c**t?
A. A drum stool.

R.

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Our chief weapon is surprise.. fear & surprise..
Our two main weapons are fear & surprise.. & torture..
Our three.. THREE.. main weapons.....
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Hugh Janus <Hugh_Janus@THE_OPPOSITION.Usa.Net> wrote in message
news:7ug5h9$4lk$8...@supernews.com...

Martin Smith

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Oct 19, 1999, 3:00:00 AM10/19/99
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Q: What do you call a bloke who hangs about with a bunch of musicians ?
A: The drummer

Rick Keller

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Oct 19, 1999, 3:00:00 AM10/19/99
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Q: How can you tell there's a drummer knocking at your door?

A: The knocking speeds up.

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Q: Why was the drummer standing outside the door?

A: He didn't know when to come in!

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Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None, they have machines that do that now!

---------------------------


Q: What is the difference between a dressmaker and a clarinet player?

A: A dressmaker tucks up frills!

J. Mitchell

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Oct 19, 1999, 3:00:00 AM10/19/99
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Drummer Jokes
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1. What do Ginger Baker and Denny's Restaurant coffee have in
common?
They both suck without Cream.

2. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, so long as the roadie gets the ladder, sets it up
and puts the bulb in the socket for him.

3. What is the difference between a chiropidist and Ginger
Baker?
A chiropidist bucks up your feet

4. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: One to screw the bulb in, and four to talk about how
much better Neil Peart would have done it.

5. How can you tell a drummer's at the door?
The knocking speeds up.

6. How can you tell when a drummer's at the door?
He doesn't know when to come in

7. How can you tell when the drum riser is level?
Drool comes out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

8. What do you call a drummer that breaks up with his
girlfriend?
Homeless.

9. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
None: they have a machine to do that now.

10. What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
"Hey guys, why don't we try one of my songs?

11. How do you know when a drum solo's really bad?
The bass player notices.

12. Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves at the parade.

13. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.

14. Hey, buddy, how late does the band play?
Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer.

15. What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.

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J. Randy Mitchell
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Graeme Fraser

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Oct 20, 1999, 3:00:00 AM10/20/99
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And Finally......

Q. What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?

A. You only have to punch the rhythm into a drum machine once!


--
this is self-mocking.
===========================
gfr...@computing.dundee.ac.uk
www.dundee.ac.uk/~glfraser
===========================

David Mason

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Oct 20, 1999, 3:00:00 AM10/20/99
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Why should you never let the bass player lock up the practice room?

Because he'll never find the right key.

Dave
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http://www.madmagnus.freeserve.co.uk

Tinky

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Oct 21, 1999, 3:00:00 AM10/21/99
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Graeme Fraser <gfr...@computing.dundee.ac.uk> wrote in article
<7uk70e$ncv$1...@dux.dundee.ac.uk>...

> And Finally......
>
> Q. What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
>
> A. You only have to punch the rhythm into a drum machine once!
>
>

Q. What do you call a man who hangs around with musicians ?

A. A drummer !

Ladies and gentelmen, you have been a wonderful audience ..... goodnight.

--

"How about some Dom Perinon ' 76 ?"
"How about some Colt ............. '45 ?"
________________________________________


Matt Fickinger

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Oct 21, 1999, 3:00:00 AM10/21/99
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How about some Milwaukee.....'Old

Tinky wrote:

> "How about some Dom Perinon ' 76 ?"
> "How about some Colt ............. '45 ?"
> ________________________________________

It sounded funnier in my head...
In fact, I still laugh about it in there


Message has been deleted

Rick Keller

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Oct 24, 1999, 3:00:00 AM10/24/99
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How do you get two piccolo players to play in perfect unison?
Shoot one.

What's the definition of a minor second?
Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up an oboe.

What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.

Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicapped zones.

What is "perfect pitch?"
When you lob a clarinet into a toilet without hitting the rim.

What's the definition of a nerd?
Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.

What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.

What's the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
You can tune a lawn mower, and the neighbors are upset if you borrow
a lawn mower and don't return it.

If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an
in-tune tenor sax player, an out of tune tenor sax player, or Santa
Claus?
The out of tune tenor sax player. The other two indicate you
are hallucinating.

How do you make a chain saw sound like a baritone sax?
Add vibrato.

How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb, and the other four to tell him how much
better they could've done it.

How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play wrong notes.

How do you improve the aerodynamics of a trombonist's car?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof.

What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
"Year-at-a-glance"

What's the range of a tuba?
About twenty yards, if you have a good arm.

What's a tuba for?
1-1/2" by 3-1/2"

What does a timpanist say when he gets to work?
"Would you like fries with that?"

How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knock gets faster.

How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?
Give him music to read.

How long does a harp stay in tune?
About twenty minutes, or until someone opens the door.

Why are a violinist fingers like lightning?
They rarely strike the same spot twice.

How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

Why is a violinist like a scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.

What do violists use for birth control?
Their personalities.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.

What's the difference between a violist and a dog?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes?
The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by
playing one.

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They really are the same size, but the violinists' heads are bigger.

What's the difference between a cello and a viola?
The cello burns longer.

What's the difference between violists and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathizers.

How do you make a cello sound beautiful?
Sell it and buy a violin.

What's the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse inside.

Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to re-train the cellists.

Why did the string bass player get mad at the timpanist?
He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.

One string bass player was so bad, even his section noticed.

How many string bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; the piano player can do that with his left hand.

How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.

How does a soprano change a lightbulb?
She just holds on and the world revolves around her.

How can you tell when a soprano is at you door?
She can't find the key, and doesn't know when to come in.

What is the difference between a soprano and a limo?
Not everyone has been in a limo!

How many altos does it take to change a lightbulb?
None; they can't get up that high.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end...
it would be a good idea.

Where's a tenor's resonance?
Where his brain should be.

What's the definition of a male quartet?
Three man and a tenor.

If you drop a conductor and a watermelon off a tall building, which
will hit the ground first?
Who cares?

What's the difference between a conductor and a sack of fertilizer?
The sack.

What's the definition of an optimist?
A choral director with a mortgage.

Why are conductor's hearts so coveted for transplants?
They've had so little use.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm
sorry, he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25
times, always getting the same reply form the receptionist. At last
she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the sound.

How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
"One, two, three; one, two, three."

What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.

What's the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.

How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five: one to handle the bulb and four to contemplate how Charlie Parker
would've done it.

What's the difference between a soprano and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.

J. Randy

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Oct 24, 1999, 3:00:00 AM10/24/99
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VIOLIN
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How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.

How do you make a violin sound like a viola?


Sit in the back and don't play.

or
Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.

What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A viola burns longer.

Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
It is usually still in the case.

Which is smaller, a violin or a viola?
They are actually the same size, but a violinist's head is so
much bigger.

How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.

What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.

Why is a violist like a terrorist?
They both screw up bowings.

This guy says to his wife, "Oh, baby. I can play you just like a
violin."
His wife says, "But I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"

The composition of a string quartet:
1 good violinist
1 bad violinist
1 really bad violinist who became a violist
1 cellist who hates all violinists.

Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?


Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Why are violins smaller than violas?
They're not. Violinists heads are larger.

What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?
If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string
quartet.

What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?
Music Minus One.

What is a chord?
Three violists playing in unison.

What do you call a person who plays the viola?
A violator.

What is the definition of perfect pitch?
When you get the viola into the toilet without hitting the sides.

What is the definition of a major seventh?
A violist playing octaves.

What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at
conservatories?
Violists.

Why are violas so large?
It's an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large,
just that the viola player's heads are so small.

What do conductors do to a violist who lost his/her arms?
Move him/her back one stand.

Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?
So the violists don't need to be retrained.

When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped
simultaneously from a 30-story building, which one hits the
pavement first?
It doesn't matter.

J. Randy

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Oct 24, 1999, 3:00:00 AM10/24/99
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GUITAR PLAYER JOKES
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How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him a sheet of music.

How do you make him stop playing?
Put notes on it!

What's the definition of a minor second?

Two lead guitarists playing in unison.

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.

What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?


Would you like fries with that?

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
When you plug them in, they suck.

What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
Pick on someone your own size!

What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

J. Randy

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Oct 24, 1999, 3:00:00 AM10/24/99
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Glossary Of Musical Terms
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Accidentals: Wrong notes
Agnus dei: A famous female church composer.
Allegro: Leg fertilizer.
Atonality: Disease that many modern composers suffer from. The
most prominent symptom is the patient's lacking
ability to make decisions.
Augmented fifth: A 36-ounce bottle
Broken consort: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go
to the restroom.
Cadence: When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you
don't.
Cadenza: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola".
Cantus firmus: The part you get when you can only play four
notes.
Chansons de geste: Dirty songs.
Clausula: Mrs. Santa.
Conductus: The process of getting Vire into the cloister.
Crotchet: (1) A tritone with a bent prong,
(2) it's like knitting, but it's faster,
(3) An unpleasant illness that occurs after the Lai,
if prolation is not used.
Cut time: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in
the ensemble.
Da capo al fine: I like your hat!
Di lasso: Popular with Italian cowboys.
Drone: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet.
Ductia: (1) A lot of mallards,
(2) Vire's organum.
Embouchre: The way you look when you've been playing the
Krummhorn.
English horn: A woodwind that got its name because it's neither
English nor a horn. Not to be confused with French
horn, which is German.
Estampie: What they put on letters in Quebec
Fermented fifth: What the percussion players keep behind the
tympani, which resolves to a 'distilled fifth',
which is what the conductor uses backstage.
Fine: That was great!
Garglefinklein: A tiny recorder played by neums.
Gregorian chant: A way of singing in unison, invented by monks to
hide snoring.
Hocket: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett.
Hurdy-gurdy: A truss for medieval percussionists who get
Organistrum.
Interval: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are
three kinds:
Major Interval: a long time;
Minor Interval: a few bars;
Inverted Interval: when you have to back one bar and try again.
Intonation: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly
desirable in the Middle Ages
Isorhythm: The individual process of relief when Vire is out of
town.
Isorhythmic motet: When half of the ensemble got a different
photocopy than the other half.
Lai: What monks give up when they take their vows.
Lasso: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale.
Lauda: The difference between shawms and krummhorns
Longa: The time between visits with Vire.
Messiah: An oratorio by Handel performed every Christmas by
choirs that believe they are good enough, in
cooperation with musicians who need the money.
Metronome: A dwarf who lives in the city.
Minim: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line.
Breve: The time you spend when the line is short.
Minnesinger: A boy soprano or Mickey's girlfriend in the opera.
Motet: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded.
Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff till
you find it again. (Also known as 'faking'.)
Neums: Renaissance midgets
Neumatic melisma: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets.
Opus: A penguin in Kansas.
Orchestral suites: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras.
Ordo: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings".
Organistrum: A job-related hazard for careless medieval
percussionists, caused by getting one's tapper
caught in the clapper.
Organum: You may not participate in the Lai without one.
Paralell organum: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting
for Vire.
Pause: A short period in an individual voice in which there
should be relative quiet. Useful when turning to the next
page in the score, breathing, emptying the horn of salvia,
coughing, etc. Is rarely heard in baroque music. Today,
the minimum requirements for pauses in individual pieces
are those of the Musicians' Union (usually one per bar,
or 15 minutes per hour).
Performance practise: Sex education.
Prolation: Precautions taken before the Lai.
Quaver: Beginning viol class.
Rackett: Capped reeds class.
Recitative: A disease that Monteverdi had.
Rhythmic drone: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet.
Ritornello: An opera by Verdi.
Rota: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or
parts.
Rubato: Expression used to describe irregular behaviour in a
performer with sensations of angst in the mating period.
Especially common amongst tenors.
Sancta: Clausula's husband.
Score: A pile of all the individual orchestral voices,
transposed to C so that nobody else can understand
anything. This is what conductors follow when they
conduct, and it's assumed that they have studied it
carefully.
Very few conductors can read a score.
Sine proprietate: Cussing in church.
Solesme: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet.
Stops: Something Bach did not have on his organ.
Supertonic: Schweppes.
Tempus imperfectum: Vire had to leave early.
Tempus perfectum: A good time was had by all.
Transposition: An advanced recorder technique where you change
from alto to soprano fingering (or vice-versa)
in the middle of a piece.
Trope: A malevolent Neum.
Trotto: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.
Tutti: A lot of sackbuts.
Virelai: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai.

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Rick Keller wrote:

--

J. Randy

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Oct 24, 1999, 3:00:00 AM10/24/99
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The Top Songs On The Benedictine Monks' Best-Selling CD
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20. Hey, Hey, We're The Monks
19. (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction
18. I'm Too Sexy For This Robe...
17. Cyronus Achus Breakus
16. Ain't Misbehavin'
15. What's A Vow Of Chastity Got To Do With It?
14. Red, Red Wine
13. Celebate! Celebate! Dance To The Music!
12. Shock The Monk
11. Give Peace A Chant
10. Hand Jive
9. 50 Ways To Leave Your Monestary
8. Born To Be Mild
7. Oh, Sherry
6. Don't Stand So Close To Me
5. Beat It
4. Can't Touch That!
3. I Write The Psalms
2. Smells Like (Holy Spirit)
1. Light My Friar

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J. Randy

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Oct 24, 1999, 3:00:00 AM10/24/99
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BANJO
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How many banjo players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only 1, but all the others gathered 'round will complain that
that's not the way Earl (Scruggs) would have done it.

How can you tell the stage you're playing on is level?
The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?
You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.

Why do so many fishermen own banjos?
They make great anchors!

Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?
They make good paddles.

What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A chain saw has a dynamic range.
or
You can turn off a chainsaw.

What is the difference between a banjo and a South American
Macaw?
One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.

What is the difference between a banjo and a Harley-Davidson
motorcycle?
You can tune a Harley.

What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun?
An Uzi only repeats 40 times.

Why does everyone hate a banjo right off?
Saves time.

Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend?
Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on
earth.

How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
By their names.

J. Randy

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Oct 24, 1999, 3:00:00 AM10/24/99
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"Name That Tune"
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A man was at a sophisticated party one evening when he was
astounded by the beautiful piano playing by the hired musician.
He approached the pianist. "Excuse me, that is the most beautiful
music I have ever heard. I must know the name of the song."
The pianist replied, "This is one of my originals called
'Screwing my bitch in the mouth then coming on her face". The man
was quite taken aback by the offensive song title, but the beauty
of the man's piano playing encouraged him to overcome his
surprise. He said, "I am throwing a party next Saturday at my
house. I would love to hire you to play at my party, but you
would have to lie about the song titles to my guests, as they
would be quite offended." The pianist agreed.

The next Saturday, at the party, the pianist is playing very,
very badly. His play is so poorly that the guests are unable to
enjoy themselves. The man approaches the pianist, "What is wrong?
Last week you were playing so beautifully. Tonight you are
playing awful!". The pianist replies, "I know, I know. It's just
that I didn't have a chance to jerk off before coming here
tonight. Tell you what, let me take a 5 minute break, I'll go off
to the bathroom, jerk off, and come back and play great all
night.". The man is shocked, but seeing the way the guests are
not enjoying themselves with the poor music, he agrees to give
the pianist a chance. The pianist promptly heads off the the
bathroom, jerks off and returns, only to play even more
beautifully than he did in the previous week. The guests love it.
A woman approaches the pianist. "Excuse me", She says, "Do you
know you're fly's open, your cock is hanging out, and you've got
semen all over your pants?".

"Know 'em", He says, "Hell, I wrote 'em!"

J. Randy

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Oct 24, 1999, 3:00:00 AM10/24/99
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Top 39 Reasons to Buy That Guitar
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1) But I don't have that *color* yet.
2) No one else will have *two* in that color.
3) Only 344 more to go and I own the whole production run.
4) I want to try .010s'.
5) I don't have one yet.
6) But it's a Collectors' Item.
7) No one else in this area owns one.
8) Think of what it will do for my playing.
9) It'll sound just great through that brown Deluxe I wanted.
10) We really didn't need to fix the car that badly.
11) So we'll buy food *next* week.
12) Look it at! Someone just traded it in and it needs a good
home...Somewhere where it won't be abused.
13) It is just like the one I wanted when I was 13 but didn't
have the money for.
14) It has different pickups than the one I have got.
15) I "connected" with it.
16) I came up with one hundred new songs in the 10 minutes I
played it.
17) Colin Raye plays one!
18) It's got a paisley pick guard!
19) The salesman said it sounded great on me!
20) Leo would have wanted me to have it!
21) The scratches on the back exactly match my huge belt
buckle, its a sign.
22) Its the LAST ONE I'll buy, I promise.
23) The owner said someone else was going to look at it, I
didn't think I'd have time to ask you...
24) Its an investment.
25) It'll go with my Crate and case of wine coolers, perfectly!
26) But it's got SPEED KNOBS!!!!!
27) No, the one I have at home was made in Kalamazoo. THIS one
wasn't!
28) Baby, have I showed you my tongue lately?
29) Oh, come on! This is WINTER! They don't shut off people's
heat in winter!
30) Look! This one has a "5-way" switch.
31) If you don't let me buy this one, I'm gonna start doing my
"gay" routine right here in the store!
32) Honey! Dogs can go without food for DAYS!!!
33) What phone shut-off?
34) I'm sorry, babe, I was all wrapped up in this guitar. What
were you saying?
35) But it's got wide frets!
36) It matches that outfit you like.
37) But it comes with the strings!
38) Yeah, so I'll have to buy a new amp for it. So what?
39) But it goes with your eyes, honey.

J. Randy

unread,
Oct 24, 1999, 3:00:00 AM10/24/99
to
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
HOW TO BE A MUSICIAN
OR
SUCCESS WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX USING ONLY A GUITAR.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

1) You will need: A guitar (electric) (and if you can manage it
you will need to learn how to play it.) Also, a place to go
on Friday where the local talent hangs around (More on this
later). All the malarky associated with guitars.

OPTIONAL EXTRAS: A semi-famous group, a large metal flight case.

2) Unlike computer programming etc. guitars are socially
accepted, e.g.: "Hello ladies, I am a computer programmer and
I spend all day typing incomprehensible things into my
keyboard, such as MOVE X,234,45." The likely response from
the ladies is: "Oh, really? Piss off." HOWEVER, Take up the
guitar and success with women/men/both is guaranteed.

3) Conceal about your person the following: 3 or 4
Plectrums/Picks. (Very important, when paying for drinks etc.
make sure the plectrum/picks is mixed in with your change.)
a small piece of paper with meaningless scrawlings written
on it such as: A#, Bsus4(#6), D7, D#dim6. For extra
authenticity, carve immense grooves into your fingertips,
this really hurts, but with any luck they'll soon be put to
a much more enjoyable task.

If you want to push it then carry around some guitar strings in
your pocket and if you want a guaranteed second look then take
your guitar everywhere you go in a large metal flight case with
old concert tickets or preferably back stage passes stuck on it.

4) This action will prompt either of these responses: "What's
that?" to which your answer will obviously be: "Oh, it's a
plectrum/pick, for a guitar." or "Oh, a pick, do you play
guitar/are you in a band." to which your answer will be:
"Yes, I do, I'll show you some time/Yes I am, "Afflicted
Child", you might have heard of us, we played at SMU last
week."

This process is guaranteed to get the woman/man interested
because people are suckers for fame and glory and if you think
about it, the guitar is a bit phallic, isn't it?

5) So, you now know how to do the basics, let me now give you
some advanced tuition.

No good musician would be without an ego the size of Detroit.
It's what your whole life should revolve around. If possible
you should be very pretentious when in a peer group. Women
should see you as a misunderstood genius and at all times you
should be DEEP, and I mean deep, like whale shit, and that's
the bottom of the ocean. Give one word answers and continually
look as if you're writing a heart felt poem.

An ego the size of mine will take a good few years to nurture.
Plenty of practice is needed so don't be disheartened, you'll
probably never be as good as me. (SEE!)

6) Now a few words to the wise. Your local swapping party won't
be a hot bed of talent so try to get out more, here are a few
places not to use and a few to use.

PUB: Good place to begin, chances are that you won't find too
many people who actually understand what you're talking about
and if you do GET OUT OF THERE AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE. NEVER
try to chat up a fellow musician unless you really are a
musician, you may have to start saying the right things when
he/she asks you about Robert Cray, John Lee Hooker or the
specifications of your guitar. (Besides, any musician you try
to chat up is probably wise to your tricks already having
spent many a long year doing what you're doing now.)

Blues Gig: EXCELLENT, but only if you know what you're doing,
tread carefully and only go in if you are experienced or you
love the blues.

New-Kids Concert: No, no no nonononono NO! And besides, what
are you doing there any way? And don't say that it's your
sister who likes them. Go on home...

Local gig. GOOD! Esp. if it's your group who are playing, if
you are the drummer in the group; try to be seen as much as you
can, always stay close to the lead singer if you can because
him and the lead guitarist always get the attention.

(If you've been practising being pretentious then now is the
time to try your talent out, dedicate one of the best songs to
whoever it is you're trying to get.)

SOURCE MATERIAL: Just to prove that this REALLY DOES WORK, I am
now going to give you some of the real life experiences that
I've had over the past few months:

DEBBIE'S PARTY: A great success on the old flattery chart this
one: As it was Debbie's birthday and I wrote a song for her as a
present. The song was so good that it turned me into an instant
fanny magnet.

END OF TERM SCHOOL PARTY: Not the biggest hot-bed of talent that
we've ever seen but lets face it, if you can give the girls
soggy saddle-bags whilst the headmaster is watching you must be
good!

SUPPLEMENTARY: Pointers to looking good on stage: A must is the
hair over the eyes and the legs akimbo with the guitar so low
that it scrapes the ground (see Slash, Guns n Roses etc.) Also
good is the casual saunter across the stage to whoever it is is
playing the solo. If you are the bass player: GET OFF THE STAGE
NOW AND BUY A PROPER GUITAR.

GENERAL HINTS: A large and illegal looking rolly ciggy looks
dead good.

Always try not to be in fashion, wear dark clothes and obscure
clothes.

The better you are at playing the guitar, the easier it gets.

Alan

unread,
Oct 26, 1999, 3:00:00 AM10/26/99
to
How many guitar players does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to change it, and four to stand back, sneer, and say, "I could
do that"

How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. But he has to go through the whole box and find just the right
one.

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