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Keith E. Sullivan

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Apr 1, 1998, 3:00:00 AM4/1/98
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WEIRD BUSINESS NEWS
by Houston Chronicle Columnist -- JIM BARLOW (c)

TIRED OF NEWS about layoffs, downsizings, rightsizings, profit and
loss? Relax with a big steaming slice of Weird Business News.

Yes, once again we explore the madness that hits people in their search
for fame or fortune.

The Tell It Like It Is award goes this time to the Continental Airlines
executive quoted by trade magazine Travel Weekly. The executive -- name
withheld to protect the witty -- was asked by a group of travel agents
about a recent incident when one of the line's pilots landed a Boeing
737 full of passengers at an abandoned naval airfield in Corpus
Christi. "Continental", he replied, "is the only airline to serve two
airports in Corpus Christi."

Now the award for Those Magnificent Men In Their Ice Resurfacing
Machines. It was won by Detroit disc jockey Jim Bosh. He drove a
Zamboni from Detroit to Philadelphia to attend a hockey playoff game.
Perhaps his car was in the shop.

The Truth In Advertising Award goes to Icehouse beer for acknowledging
the wages of beer consumption with a belly contest. People with
particularly photogenic bellies should submit a photograph of their
pride and joy to 205 N. Michigan Ave., 34th Floor, Chicago, Ill. 60601.

Ken Brousseau Sr. <kenb...@IO.COM>
UGA Humor List <hu...@uga.cc.uga.edu>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT BUSINESS

Has anyone else noticed that when a new paper towel ad appears, the
older paper towel is suddenly less absorbent than when it was new?

How come the maker of 2000 Flushes Blue never came out with 2000 Flushes
Yellow? (Contributed by George 18 May 97)

How come the posters advertising the Psychic Fair need the place and
time?

How come washing powders were 'Whiter than white' 30 years ago, and have
been improving ever since?

How come you never hear about gruntled employee's?

How do they get the Caramilk in the Caramilk bar?

How do they unclog mail chutes in skyscrapers?

How do you know if a certificate of authenticity is real? What do they
do, send you another one to prove it? How do you know THAT one's any
good?

How does Kraft get the five ounces of milk into every slice of Cheese?

How many licks does it really take to get to the center of a Tootsie
Pop?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, why do they have locks on the door?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

If a train station is where a train stops and a bus station is where a
bus stops, what's a workstation?

If all employees in a company are supposed to think in the same
direction, why do you need more than one employee?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the
pan?

If you wish to make an improved product, does that mean you must already
be engaged in making an inferior one? (Contributed by Don Woods 23 May
97)

If you work in a paperless office, what do you do if you have to take a
dump? (Contributed by DF 18 May 97)

Just how is it possible to get clothes Whiter Than White?

Nissan says their cars are Built For The Human Race. Just who else
would they build them for?

On Earth, packages are commonly labeled "This Side Up." Would it make
any difference out in space?

The mouth wash commercial asks "Is your mouth a steamy 98.6 degrees?"
Which part of your body isn't 98.6 degrees?

What happened to the first 6 "UP"s?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

When we fill out a form, why do we say we fill it in?

Where are preparations A through G?

Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells
refrigerators?

Who took the bite out of the apple logo?

Why is it that when someone knows more and more about less and less
until they know absolutely everything about nothing, are called experts?
(Contributed by Unknown 16 May 97)

Why are there so many ads for the Yellow Pages in the Yellow Pages?

Why can't I find any illegal-sized paper? (Contributed by Steven 17 May
97)

Why did they call it Coca-Cola when it contains neither coca nor cola?
(Contributed by D.Cashman 28 May 97)

Why do hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse. Repeat?" If you
did this, would you ever be able to stop?

Why do new hammers have a sticker that says "Caution -- Do not use this
hammer to strike any solid object?"

Why do the instructions on bottles of deodorant say "Rub onto
underarms?" Where else are you going to put it? In your hair?

Why do the little washer towels that some restaurants provide you with
after you have had something messy to eat say "Open, unfold and use?"
What else would you do with them?

Why do they call them briefings when they take so long?

Why do they have the label on milk carton's saying "Open here?" Why do
you have to open there? Why can't you open it on say, the other side?

Why do they mark containers "This end up?" If you can read the marking,
isn't that end already up?

Why do they say "New and Improved?" How can it be new if it was
improved?

Why do we say Former Experience on our Resumes? How can we have
experience that's not former?

Why does McDonalds call it a drive thru when you have to drive AROUND
the building?

Why is a store that's open 24 hours a day called 7-11?

Why is it if you steal from one resource it's called plagiarism, but if
you steal from two it's called research? (Contributed by Kouly 23 May
97)

Why is it that at a meeting, minutes are kept but the hours are lost?
(Contributed by Ken Booth 16 May 97)

Why is it that in prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8' x
10' cell and at work, I spend most of my time in a 6' x 8' pod?

Why is it that Insurance always seems to cover everything except what
happens?

Why is it that international magazines that advertise products will have
the same description of something in different languages, but the
description of each language is written in English? Who's that supposed
to benefit?

Why is it that no amount of planning will ever replace dumb luck?

Why is it that the less important you are in a company, the more your
tardiness or absence is noticed?

Why is it that the speaker with the most monotonous voice speaks after
the big meal?

Why is it that those whose approval you seek the most give you the
least? (Contributed by Don Woods 23 May 97)

Why is it that truck deliveries that normally take one day will take
five when you are waiting for the truck? (Contributed by Don Woods 23
May 97)

Why is it that when a person says that, in the interest of saving time,
he will summarize his prepared statement, he winds up talking three
times as long as if he had read the statement in the first place?
(Contributed by Don Woods 23 May 97)

Why is it that when they show a computer ad they show computers and when
they show a car ad they show cars but when they show a condom ad they
show people playing tennis?

Why is it that whenever you set out to do something, something else must
always be done first? (Contributed by Joel 16 May 97)

Why is it that you always meet your boss in the stairwell when you try
to sneak away from work early?

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies,
and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you
get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

Why is the Hooked on Phonics number 1-800-abcdefg? How are you supposed
to call that if you can't read?

Why is there a mailbox in front of the post office?

Why is there only one company making the game Monopoly?

Why is toilet paper advertised as "facial quality"? Do you really
intend to use it on your face?

You know how most packages say Open here. What is the protocol if the
package says, Open somewhere else?

Gadzillion Things To Think About!
<http://edmonton.shaw.wave.ca/fowler/dcf/Think.htm#Windup>
--
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List

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