Any Turkey or Thanksgiving Jokes????
Patty
It was easy to find Halloween ones all over the Net but not having much
luck finding Thanksgiving ones. Thanks for any help.
Spunkyladi
10. "Just reach in and grab the giblets."
9. "Whew...that's one terrific spread!"
8. "I am in the mood for a little dark meat!"
7. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."
6. "Talk about a HUGE breast!"
5. "And he forces his way into the end zone!"
4. "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to old her down."
3. "It's cool whip time!"
2. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"
. and the number one thing that sounds dirty at Thanksgiving but isn't.....
1. "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out."
Keith Sullivan
Here's the Thanksgiving humor in my collection that I've previously shared
with my subscribers. I have more but it hasn't been shared yet.
PLAY-A-DAY -- Thanksgiving Leftovers
Scene: Inside the refrigerator. Several leftovers sit on one shelf.
Turkey: Great. Now I'll be sitting in here for at least a month, and
nobody's going to eat me. Oh, had too much on Thanksgiving, they'll say,
and Christmas is right around the corner. I'm doomed to be thrown out.
Mashed Potatoes: Too bad, turkey boy. I just know somebody's planning on
making potato cakes tomorrow.
Pumpkin Pie: I'll be gone by the end of the weekend. Hasta la vista,
baby.
Baked Yams: I envy all of you. Here I am, stuck in a Tupperware
container, and I KNOW this container won't be opened again until I'm green
and moldy. At least the rest of you have a chance.
Turkey: Oh yeah, some chance. At least you don't have to suffer the
rejection. People will just not check on you. But me, I'm so big, they
have to CHOOSE not to follow up with me. In fact, they'll move me to get
to other things. Boring things, like tortillas and Jell-O. Imagine being
passed over for Jell-O!
Pickled Tongue: Shut up all of you. I've been here since February and
the only thing I ever hear is OOOOOOOH!
Pumpkin Pie: Oh my God! I'm sharing a shelf with Pickled Tongue?
OOOOOOOHHH!!
Pickled Tongue: See?
Baked Yams: They'll be saying OOOOOH at me the next time I get a look.
I'll be smelly and have fuzz on me by then.
Mashed Potatoes: Whaa whaa whaa. What a bunch of babies. Turkey, you
had your day in the sun. You were the star of the Thanksgiving meal.
Everybody fussed about you. The rest of us, except for maybe pumpkin pie,
were just there to keep you company. We NEVER get that kind of attention!
Turkey: I wouldn't wish it on you either. One day you're the greatest
thing in the world, the next day people make faces when they look at you.
Baked Yams: Well, you have to admit, most of your good stuff is probably
gone. After all, nobody likes to eat tendons.
Turkey: I HAVE PLENTY OF GOOD MEAT STILL!
Pumpkin Pie: Well, all I know is that two more slices and I'm retired!
I'll be out of this dump, and won't have to hear the rest of you complain
anymore.
Suddenly the refrigerator light comes on and the door opens.
Person: Hmmm... I think I'll have some cereal.
The person takes the milk out of the refrigerator, and shuts the door.
Turkey: YOU IDIOT! Doesn't he know that turkey is a great breakfast
food?
Pumpkin Pie: You pathetic attention seeker.
Baked Yams: I wish I was on another shelf. You foods are prima donnas.
Pickled Tongue: Shut up shut up! Jeez it was nice and quiet before
Thanksgiving!
All the foods shut up and glare at each other.
The End
Wayne Kessler <way...@epix.net>
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REASONS TO HATE THANKSGIVING
1. Oh, not ANOTHER day off work
2. Brown Brown Brown Brown
3. What in God's name are giblets?
4. Have to spend time with the family
5. Where are all my presents?
6. There aren't any good Thanksgiving songs
7. Do we really need to set aside a day for eating?
8. If someone would actually cook the turkey for once...or at least
defrost it
9. If there's one thing I hate, it's giving thanks
10. Hey buddy, that's not a wishbone you're pulling
Jennifer Schmidt <Jen...@AOL.COM>
UGA Humor List <hu...@uga.cc.uga.edu>
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BONUS
The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when
a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in
amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran
right through the defensive line.
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're
terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a
huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the
season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
Nancy Carson <JMF...@prodigy.com>
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TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE
10. "Watch out! The Amtrak float is heading this way!"
9. "Look, Mom -- two men kissing!"
8. "Oh my God! Somebody just dropped a can of paint on Willard!"
7. "Hey, the N.Y. Giants' float is going the wrong way. It's losing
yardage."
6. "Inflate me."
5. "That big purple-faced thing isn't the Barney balloon -- it's Ted
Kennedy."
4. "Macy's sucks!"
3. "I'll take two pretzels, Governor Cuomo."
2. "That's not the Dolly Parton balloon -- that's Dolly Parton."
1. "That ain't gravy!"
David Letterman's THE TOP TEN LIST for Friday, November 25, 1994
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THE TWELVE DAYS OF THANKSGIVING
(or what seems like years to consume the bird)
On the First Day.....
We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings.
On the Second Day.....
We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard
rolls.
On the Third Day.....
We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies.
On the Fourth Day.....
We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we'd be
celebrating Thanksgiving until April.
On the Fifth Day.....
We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of naked turkey
carcass.
On the Sixth Day.....
We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews at the
turkey and calls it Oriental.
On the Seventh Day.....
We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey-nugget pizza.
On the Eighth Day.....
The word ''vegetarian'' keeps popping into our heads.
On the Ninth Day.....
We check our hair to make sure we're not beginning to sprout feathers.
On the Tenth Day.....
We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler.
On the Eleventh Day.....
We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight.
On the Twelfth Day.....
We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers.
And everybody says Amen.
Kristofer Pettijohn <kr...@cyber.citilink.com>
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I CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER BITE
Words by Donna Dirck
(Tune of "Help Me Make It Through the Night" by Kris Kristofferson)
Take the turkey out of freeze
Set it out and let it thaw
Stuff it fully as you please
How I hate those butterballs
As we sat down at the table
The urge to eat we could not fight
To remember why I am not able
I can't take another bite
I don't care if fam'ly comes
I don't try to comprehend
What people taste in giblits
Lord, tonight for pizza send
Thanksgiving is dead and gone
And Christmas is just in sight
Another turkey in the freeze
Help me take another bite.
Donna <di...@falcon.cc.ukans.edu>
Kris List <kr...@listserv.iupui.edu>
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SEATTLE'S TURKEY DAY ETIQUETTE
By Jean Godden, Times Staff Columnist
It's been 145 years since the first white settlers landed at Alki Beach at
Thanksgiving time, took one look at the overcast skies and the sodden,
rain-soaked West Seattle terrain, and burst into tears.
(History, alas, doesn't record the response of the Native Americans when
they spotted those tear-drenched settlers. But they probably were too
polite to laugh out loud.)
In the intervening years, the first residents and the settlers have worked
out the rules for Thanksgiving, Puget Sound style. Here they are,
recently updated by an ad hoc Turkey Day committee:
DRESS CODE. Thanksgiving Day guests will arrive wearing Seattle tuxes:
clean jeans, turtleneck sweaters and down jackets with weathered ski-lift
tags. Hiking boots are optional.
CONVERSATION'S GAMBIT. Topics will include: 1) the election; 2) previous
elections; and, 3) the next election. Several arguments will ensue before
the host or hostess declares politics "off-limits."
CLEANERS' COROLLARY. Spills will happen in direct proportion to the
staining capacity of the dish (cranberry sauce rates high) and the expense
of dry cleaning the garment.
CHRISTMAS CONVENTION. If you are attending a family gathering, expect
this reminder: "Don't forget to bring your Christmas list to Thanksgiving
dinner."
MEOW'S MOMENT. The family cat will appear long enough to 1) shed hair on
anyone wearing a black or navy-blue sweater; 2) perch on the lap of
whoever most dislikes cats; and, 3) insist on sharing the smoked-salmon
hors d'oeuvres.
OLD-TIMERS' LAMENT. Some oldster in the group will remark that it's a
rotten shame there's no longer a Turkey Day football game between Puget
Sound and Seattle high-school champs.
ELBOW'S LAW. Local custom calls for every left-handed diner to be seated
to the right of a right-handed diner, maximizing chances for spills.
PORCELAIN'S PROGRESS. At least two different patterns of dinnerware must
be visible on Puget Sound tables during every course.
SALAD LAW. Tossed salads supplied by guests will arrive with an excess of
moisture, supplied by ambient rainfall. If the day is merely overcast,
the host or hostess should add water before serving.
MOLDED SALAD LAW. Guaranteed to do one of three things: contain
miniature marshmallows, fail to unmold properly, or slide off the serving
plate onto the lap of one of the diners.
GRAVY'S CONSTANT. The silver gravy boat -- a wedding present from Great
Aunt Emma and Uncle Ed -- will vanish before the meal. It will show up
next summer when you're searching for beach towels.
TURKEY'S GRIPE. One vegetarian guest will complain about the fare,
saying, "Why can't we ever have tofu au gratin?"
PIE'S PARADOX. Provide two kinds of pie and diners will either decline or
ask for "a sliver of both."
POLLYANNA'S PRINCIPLE. Guests will include one orphan, someone from out
of town who can't make it home. If no orphan is available, the family
oddball can substitute.
REFRIGERATOR'S RULE. After all guests depart, at least one never-served
dish will turn up in the refrigerator.
DEPARTURE'S RULE. Some guests will arrive very early; some will show up
late. But they'll all leave at the same time.
From The Seattle Times, Wednesday, November 27, 1996
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TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THANKSGIVING BUT AREN'T
10. "Reach in and grab the giblets."
9. "Whew... that's one terrific spread!"
8. "I am in the mood for a little dark meat!"
7. "Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist."
6. "Talk about a HUGE breast!"
5. "And he forces his way into the end zone!"
4. "She's 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 men to hold her down."
3. "It's cool whip time!"
2. "If I don't unbutton my pants, I am going to burst!"
1. "It must be broken 'cause when I push on the tip, nothing squirts out."
Mike Avery <mav...@mail.otherwhen.com>
Infinite Joke List <jo...@infinite.ihub.com>
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THINGS TO DO THANKSGIVING DAY IF YOU WANT TO BE EXCUSED EARLY
1. Remind your 12 year old brother/sister that you left those condoms they
asked for in the closet upstairs.
2. Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition, and
proceed to take off your clothes at the dinner table.
3. Open the oven, shove hunks of velveeta into the turkey while it cooks.
Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.
4. Shoot olive pits at Grampa's glasses (just pinch them in your fingers
and they FLY!!).
5. Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R,
make a loud "BUZZ"ing noise.
6. When it's your turn to state what you are thankful for, say "latex
sheets and Crisco."
7. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's
not looking.
8. Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.
9. Sit at the "children's table" and lecture them on just why we need to
increase the teenage pregnancy population.
10. Bring a date that only talks about her/his spouse at home.
11. As the family is being seated, shout, "Oh my Gawd, I forgot to show
you all my genitalia piercing I got on Halloween!!"
12. Hold your nose while you eat.
13. Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey
farms.
14. Mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See Mom, I told you they wouldn't
notice, you were worried for nothing."
15. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in
the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that
you've got a new fear of choking.
16. When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour
late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the
necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.
17. During dinner, ask your brother if his mistress solved that little
"dead rabbit" problem.
18. Turn to Dad and tell him to advise your brother, having experienced
that himself.
19. Promise that the winner of the "wishbone tug" gets to sleep with your
date. (sex/age unimportant)
20. Twitch a lot and nervously tell the person next to you, "THE SAFETY IS
ON," while you hold your pocket.
Jolly <jo...@cheerful.com> [alt.humor]
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BUTTERBALL TURKEY TALK-LINE "GREATEST HITS"
(or, "Memorable Moments in Talk-Line History;" or, "Out of the Mouths
of.... Turkey Trauma Victims")
Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share
of memorable calls -- inquiries that stand out from the crowd because
they're heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff
members to tell us their favorites; plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own
personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives. Its hard to beat the call
from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine
of his truck ("Will it cook faster if I drive faster?"), but some of these
come pretty close. Warning: do not attempt to adjust your screen --
these are real incidents, true stories -- from the front lines!
* Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the
Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua
jumped into the bird's body cavity and couldn't get out. She tried
pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog
became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the
Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the
cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed!
* Birdie, eagle and turkey? Roasting a turkey doesn't have to interfere
with the daily routine, so said a retired Floridian. He called "Turkey
Central" for turkey grilling tips while waiting to tee off from the 14th
hole.
* Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered, "How do
you thaw a fresh turkey?" The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh
turkeys aren't frozen and don't need to be thawed.
* Don't wait until the last minute! On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian woman
took the "Be prepared" motto to heart. She had just agreed to host
Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of time for
turkey tips.
* Happy Thanksgiving, President Clinton! A Southern woman called to
comment, "On Thanksgiving Day, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is more
important than the President. He can take the day off, but the Talk-Line
staff can't." (The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is open Thanksgiving Day,
6 a.m. to 6 p.m., Central Standard Time.)
* Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find
out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question,
the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman
responded, "I don't know, it's still running around outside."
* Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isn't
Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to
know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.
* White meat, anyone? A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to
extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach. Afterward, she called the
Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To her dismay, she was
advised to dispose of the turkey.
* A young girl called on behalf of her mother who needed roasting advice.
To provide approximate roasting times, the home economist asked what size
the turkey was. Without asking her mother the little girl paused, then
replied, "Medium."
* A novice turkey-cooking chef wanted to know if the yellow netting and
wrapper around the turkey should be removed before roasting. Envisioning
a melted plastic turkey blob, the home economist responded, "Yes," then
offered complete roasting directions.
http://www.butterball.com/butterball/gr-hits.html
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THANKSGIVING
In 1620, the first pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock -- which marked the
country's first commercial tie-in after Ford and GM were outbid. --Bob
Mills
Thanksgiving is the day we give thanks for our cornucopia of plenty....
and feed Aunt Gertrude's asparagus Jello mold to Fido under the table.
--Bob Mills
A 17 pound Thanksgiving turkey has been delivered to the White House. The
Clintons had planned to have a butterball, but Newt Gingrich declined the
invitation. --Bob Mills
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
THANKSGIVING WINES
Michael Dresser in his Baltimore Sun Paper's wine column, Vintage Point,
writing about the difficulty of recommending wine for Thanksgiving dinner
writes:
Thanksgiving is America's national chow-down feast -- the one occasion
each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty. (In France, by contrast
there are three such days: Heir, Aujourd'hui and Demain.)
Jolly <jo...@cheerful.com> [alt.humor]
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
THANKSGIVING
Well folks, Thanksgiving is over. President Clinton offered to give Newt
Gingrich a turkey and dressing. Well, actually he flipped him the bird
and told him to stuff it.
Tupperware has introduced a new line of merchandise for Thanksgiving. The
containers not only burp themselves, they also loosen their belts and fall
asleep in front of the television.
Ed Lambert <ed.la...@LIFESCAN.COM>
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TURKEYS IN THE UK
... a Radio interview I heard a year or two ago. An American and a UK
journalist were talking to each other about Thanksgiving. The US guy
asked if we celebrated Thanksgiving in the UK.
"Yes," the UK guy replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September."
"Why then?"
"That's when they left."
Jan <j...@gn.apc.org>
Barbara Millikan <pnn.com!mill...@orange.metron.com>
Peter Langston <p...@langston.com>
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A THANKSGIVING COOKBOOK
by Mrs. Geraghty's Kindergarten Class
NOTE: Mrs. Geraghty will not be responsible for medical bills resulting
from use of her cookbook.
Ivette -- Banana Pie: You buy some bananas and crust. Then you mash them
up and put them in the pie. Then you eat it.
Russell -- Turkey: You cut the turkey up and put it in the oven for ten
minutes and 300 degrees. You put gravy on it and eat it.
Geremy -- Turkey: You buy the turkey and take the paper off. Then you
put it in the refrigerator and take it back out and cut it with a knife
and make sure all the wires are out and take out the neck and heart. Then
you put it in a big pan and cook it for half an hour at 80 degrees. Then
you invite people over and eat.
Andrew -- Pizza: Buy some dough, some cheese and pepperoni. Then you
cook it for 10 hours at 5 degrees. Then you eat it.
Shelby -- Applesauce: Go to the store and buy some apples, and then you
squish them up. Then you put them in a jar that says, "Applesauce." Then
you eat it.
Meghan H. -- Turkey: You cut it into 16 pieces and then you leave it in
the oven for 15 minutes and 4 degrees. You take it out and let it cool
and then after 5 minutes, then you eat it.
Danny -- Turkey: You put some salt on it to make it taste good. Then you
put it in the oven. Then you cook it for an hour at 5 degrees. Then you
eat it.
Brandon -- Turkey: First you buy it at Fred Meyer. Then you cut it up
and cook it for 15 hours at 200 degrees. Then you take it out and eat it.
Megan K -- Chicken: You put it in the oven for 25 minutes and 25 degrees
and put gravy on it and eat it.
Christa -- Cookies: Buy some dough and smash it and cut them out. Then
put them in the oven for 2 hours at 100 degrees. Then take them out and
dry them off. Then it's time to eat them.
Irene -- Turkey: Put it on a plate and put it in the oven with gravy.
You cook it for 1 minute and for 100 degrees. Then it's all cooked. Your
mom or dad cuts it and then eat.
Moriah -- Turkey: First you cut the bones out. Then you put it in the
oven for 10 hours at 600 degrees. Then you put it on the table and eat it.
Vincent -- Turkey: You cut and put sauce on it. Then you cook it for 18
minutes at 19 degrees. Then you eat it with stuffing.
Jordyn -- Turkey: First you have to cut it up and put it on a plate in
the oven for 9 minutes and 18 degrees. Then you dig it out of the oven
and eat it.
Grace -- Turkey: First you add some salt. Then you put it in a bowl.
Then you put brown sugar on it. Then you mix it all together with a spoon
and then you add some milk and mix it again. And then you put it in a
pan. Then you put it in the oven for 15 minutes and 16 degrees. Then you
take it out of the oven and then you eat it.
Alan -- Turkey: First you shoot it and then you cut it. And then you put
it in the oven and cook it for 10 minutes and 20 degrees. You put it on
plates and then you eat it.
Jordan Salvatore -- Turkey: First you put it in the oven for 15 minutes
at 100 degrees. Then you cut it up and then you eat it.
Jordan Simons -- Chocolate Pudding: Buy some chocolate pudding mix. Then
you add the milk. Then you add the pudding mix. Then you stir it. Then
you put it in the refrigerator and wait for it to get hard. Then you eat
it.
Whitney -- Turkey: Cut it and put it in the oven for 50 minutes at 60
degrees and then you eat it.
Jason -- Chicken Pie: Put the chicken in the pot and put the salad and
cheese and mustard and then you mix it all together. Then put chicken
sauce and stir it all around again. Then you cook it for 5 minutes at 9
degrees. Then you eat it.
Christopher -- Pumpkin Pie: First you buy a pumpkin and smash it. Then
it is all done. And you cook it in the oven for 12 minutes and 4
degrees. Then you eat it.
Christine -- Turkey: First you buy the turkey. Then you cook it for 5
hours and 5 degrees. Then you cut it up and you eat it.
Ashley -- Chicken: Put it in the oven. Then cut it up. Then I eat it.
Jennie -- Corn: My mom buys it. Then you throw it. Then you cook it.
Then you eat it.
Jordan -- Cranberry Pie: Put cranberry juice in it. Then you put berries
in it. Then you put dough in it. Then you bake it. Then you eat it.
Adam -- Pumpkin Pie: First you put pumpkin seeds in it. Put it in a pan
and bake it at 5 degrees for 6 minutes. Then take it out and eat it.
Jarryd -- Deer Jerky: Put it in the oven overnight at 20 degrees. Then
you go hunting and bring it with you. Then you eat it.
Christina -- Turkey: Get the turkey. Put it in the oven. Cook it for 43
minutes at 35 degrees. Put it on a plate, cut it up, then eat it.
Joplyn -- Apple Pie: Take some apples, mash them up. Take some bread and
make a pie with it. Get some dough and squish it. Shape the dough into a
pie shape. Put the apples in it. Then bake it at 9 degrees for 15
minutes.
Isabelle -- Spaghetti: Put those red things in it. Then put the
spaghetti in it. Then cook it in the oven for 2 minutes at 8 degrees.
Bailey -- Chicken: Put pepper and spices on it. Cook for one hour at 60
degrees. Then eat it.
Nicholas -- White and Brown Pudding: First you read the wrapper. Get a
piece of water. Stir. Then you eat it.
Sean -- Turkey: Put it in the oven for 5 minutes at 55 degrees. Take it
out and eat it.
Lauren -- Turkey: First you find a turkey and kill it. Cut it open. Put
it in a pan. Pour milk in the pan. Put a little chicken with it. Put
salsa on it. Take out of pan. Put it on the board. Cut into little
pieces. Put on a rack. Put in the oven for 7 minutes at 10 degrees.
Take out of the oven and put eensy weensy bit of sugar on it. Put a
little more salsa on it. Then you eat it.
Olivia -- Corn: Get hot water and put on stove. Wait for 8 minutes. Put
corn in. Then put it on a plate. Then eat.
Siera -- Pumpkin Pie: Get some pumpkin and dough for the crust. Get
pumpkin pie cinnamon. Cook it for 20 minutes at 10 degrees.
Kayla -- Turkey: Buy it. Take it home. Then you cook it. Put it in the
oven for 1 hour. Take it out of the oven. Put it on a plate. Then you
eat it.
Tommy -- Pumpkin: Cook the pumpkin. Then get ready to eat the pumpkin.
Wai -- Pumpkin Pie: Get a pumpkin. Cook it. Eat it.
Marsha Gai...@AIMR.COM
Oracle Service Humor Archives <humour-li...@synapse.net>
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OLD-FASHION THANKSGIVING
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in
my neighbourhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed
them and took their land.
Jon Stewart, on The Jon Stewart Show
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
ARKANSAS THANKSGIVING
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for
Thanksgiving this year?
A1: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!
A2: Because they can't afford any more pork
A3: Reagan ate all the jellybeans
A4: They've been having turkey FOR YEARS
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
WILD TURKEY
A pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a
large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gaped, the
turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
They stared in awe as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right
through the defensive line!
When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted: "You're
terrific! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge
bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said. "All I want to know is, does the
season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
Steve Jones
Manly Matt Schulman <manl...@bcscom.com>
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SPACE TURKEY
Q. What sound does a space turkey make?
A. hubble, hubble, hubble.
Jolly <jo...@cheerful.com> [alt.humor]
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THANKSGIVING DINNER IS SERVED! AND THAT MEANS ...
1. First, we'll have a few beers
2. We'll eat it in our laps -- forget plates
3. Can't we wait til half time?
4. I'm stuffed with onion dip and Doritos
5. I like my turkey cold
6. Food always tastes better the next day
7. We'll eat during a commercial
8. We'll eat when it's over
9. Catch it!
10. Run for it! Oh, no! Tackle!
Karen Finley, Living It Up, Copyright 1996
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THINGS TO BE THANKFUL FOR
It's Thanksgiving Day and despite our reputation as a cynic (and that's
the _nicest_ thing they call us), we do have some things to be thankful
for:
* The queen didn't have more children.
* The John Bobbitt video hasn't been picked up as a Fox miniseries.
* The Vampire wasn't interviewed by Rush Limbaugh.
* No parenting books, yet, from Michael and Lisa Marie.
* Eighty-two days before Roseanne's next marriage.
* Richard and Cindy have not issued a "we're straight and monogamous"
CD-ROM.
* No Christmas CD from Fabio.
* Shannen Doherty isn't dating Mickey Rourke, yet.
* Tiny Tim didn't run for Congress.
* No shocking revelations about The Cowsills.
* Madonna has run out of genders.
* No "Heck Freezes Over" reunion tour by The Archies.
* Barney is not on the Internet.
* Joey Buttafuoco isn't hosting a talk show.
* No tell-all autobiography from Bubbles the Chimp.
* No big-screen remake of "Three's Company."
* That the rich and famous will also continue to be outrageous. Otherwise
we'd have to get real jobs.
From The Seattle Times, 1994, "Seen, Heard, Said" by Janine Dallas Steffan
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
THANKSGIVING PRAYER
Thanks, for a country where nobody is allowed to mind his own business.
Thanks, for a nation of finks. -- William S. Burroughs, "A Thanksgiving
Prayer"
Geoff Langdale
Guy Harris <g...@netapp.com>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
HOME ALONE WITH NBC'S NEW TWINKIES
By Bill Hall, Lewiston, Idaho Tribune, November 29, 1993
I would not be surprised if NBC announced that we will no longer eat
turkey and pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving but will instead eat lasagna and
Twinkies because that is the "new tradition."
NBC announced in promos on the eve of Thanksgiving that the network is
creating a "new tradition" of watching the movie "Home Alone."
I regret that decision for several reasons:
For one thing, "new tradition" is an oxymoron, a self-contradicting
expression like hot ice or brave politician or accurate journalist or
sensitive network executive. A tradition is, by definition, old. The
jury is out on something that has happened only once. Time alone will
tell whether people come to cherish an event and turn it into a
tradition. So a tradition is not something that you force to happen
overnight. You can no more create a tradition than you can plan
spontaneity. Turkey and pumpkin pie grew out of the harvest feast of the
pilgrims without any planning or arbitrary network announcements. The
pilgrims did not declare it a new national tradition.
The pilgrims did not have lasagna and Twinkies so we do not eat lasagna
and Twinkies for Thanksgiving unless NBC decides to bull the issue and
declare Thanksgiving a time of lasagna, Twinkies and the movie they just
rented the rights to.
Similarly, many of us have come to watch the movie "It's A Wonderful Life"
at Christmas because the movie spontaneously caught on with people this
time of year and evolved, naturally, into a tradition. (We also watch it
because there are times when it is running on every station and there's no
choice in the matter.)
"It's A Wonderful Life" became a tradition because its belief in basic
human decency fits the season so well. And of course, it also caught on
because it's a well-crafted movie, in some respects one of the great
movies of all time.
"Home Alone" is merely one of the most financially successful movies of
all time, which probably is the same thing as an artistic triumph to some
of the twits who run NBC. And they have a commercial need for a "new
tradition" at Thanksgiving whether America does or not.
But even assuming Americans needed something besides turkey, pumpkin pie,
grateful prayer and the Dallas Cowboys to see them through Thanksgiving,
"Home Alone" is an odd choice. Granted, it is a solid, workmanlike movie
and a funny one, but it is hardly one the great gut busters of all time.
And how does it mesh with Thanksgiving? It's about a small boy whose
pathologically stupid parents rush off to Europe on a plane, neglecting to
notice that they left one of the little nippers behind and the nice one at
that.
Most of the rest of the movie is given over to the kid coming up with
sadistic ways to injure and with luck, kill the two nice burglars who have
invaded what they thought was an empty home.
True, that can be heartwarming to people who enjoy watching a little kid
torture two stupid geeks. Lord knows, we all love that sort of thing on a
slow holiday afternoon or we wouldn't watch so much football.
But when it comes to matching the sentiment of the holiday to the plot of
a movie, this isn't exactly on a par with Jimmy Stewart learning at
Christmas that there is nothing more important in life than a decent
community and neighborly love.
NBC executives probably don't understand America's infatuation with "It's
A Wonderful Life" because Jimmy Stewart doesn't do any physical damage to
the nasty old banker. Jimmy doesn't so much as slug the banker in the
nose, though he does beat him savagely over the head with an awfully well
written lecture on the real values in life.
But even if it were possible to create an instant tradition for
Thanksgiving, when did we vote on "Home Alone" as that choice?
We wouldn't let Bill Clinton unilaterally decide something so important as
what we watch with our leftover turkey sandwiches on Thanksgiving night.
What makes NBC think we would trust something so significant to the
faceless Twinkies who run that network?
Indeed, when you think of what those network executives are attempting, it
causes you to reflect on how appropriate the turkey sometimes is as a
symbol of the season.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING
With the inevitable gluttony the accompanies the American Thanksgiving
holiday, I was reminded of the time, as a new college teacher at the
University of Pennsylvania, that I decided to introduce the holiday to
fellow graduate students from other countries. The plan was to make a
huge potluck among four couples, each bringing some essential part of the
Thanksgiving feast. Since English was not even a second language for some
of the people, the lines of communication became obscured, and we wound up
with three roast turkeys and four pumpkin pies for eight people, and no
other food: luckily, it was early in the day, and a solution could be
carried out. In the midst of this abundance of fowl, we all had to save
face and dispose of all that turkey, over 60 pounds. worth.
I was hosting this lopsided affair and was living at that time in a small
but very poor town which had many homeless people. We called the local
church and persuaded them to let us make the gargantuan feast for any that
would come in. The church members kicked in for cranberry sauce and the
other traditional side dishes, and we put up homemade signs on about six
street corners. Within three hours they started to come: it was like the
cast of Night of the Living Dead, lumbering toward us. We were ecstatic
and full of knee-jerk liberal pride.
We had about 40 guests, and the table looked like a scene from Bunuel's
Viridiana. I would say that I have not seen worse table manners in my
whole life, except in one of those B prison movies, where the food
resembles volcano lava, and it is ladled out by a gorilla into crude
bowls. The irony of the event is that my fellow hosts as I got so
involved with the dinner that we never got to eat any of the turkey, but
my friends took the memory of that special Thanksgiving back to their home
countries. That evening we all went to the local pizzeria and invented
international counterculture, which is why even now pepperoni reminds me
of Turkey Day.
Copyright © Paul Reale, 1996. All Rights reserved.
Selfmade Misfit <http://www.primenet.com/minotaur/>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
THE TURKEY SHOT OUT OF THE OVEN
by Jack Prelutsky
The turkey shot out of the oven
and rocketed into the air,
it knocked every plate off the table
and partly demolished a chair.
It ricocheted into a corner
and burst with a deafening boom,
then splattered all over the kitchen,
completely obscuring the room.
It stuck to the walls and the windows,
it totally coated the floor,
there was turkey attached to the ceiling,
where there'd never been turkey before.
It blanketed every appliance,
It smeared every saucer and bowl,
there wasn't a way I could stop it,
that turkey was out of control.
I scraped and I scrubbed with displeasure,
and thought with chagrin as I mopped,
that I'd never again stuff a turkey
with popcorn that hadn't been popped.
Robert C Oshinsky <oshi...@FRB.GOV>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
OTHER WAYS TO USE THE THANKSGIVING TURKEY
As a blunt object to fend off your pesky cousins with.
As a projectile to throw at the TV after Kathie Lee says, "Aren't they a
wonderful band!" for the 25th time.
As a hood ornament.
As a disguise so your ugly Aunt Beatrice can't kiss you and say, "How much
you've grown!"
As a football for the after-meal game.
One word... bowling!
As yet another object to drop from the top of the dorm to test the range
of the splatter upon impact.
As a gift/bribe for a professor.
As a Christmas gift (avoid the holiday crowds this way!).
As a doorstop to keep your relatives out.
http://www.umr.edu/~scox/turkey.html
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
DAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING
The day before Thanksgiving this little boy heard his mom and dad fighting.
The husband said to his wife, "You stupid bitch, you have floppy tits."
She wasn't about to be outdone and said, "Well you have a crooked dick,
you bastard."
Well, the little boy heard every word they said. After they got done
fighting, he went up to the mom and asked her what bitches and bastards
were. She told him that they were people. Then he asked what crooked
dicks and floppy tits were. She told him that they were coats and hats.
The little boy accepted both answers and went on his way.
The next day, they were getting ready for a huge feast with friends and
family. The little boy went up stairs where his dad was shaving. The dad
cut himself and said, "Shit!" Well once again, the boy started asking
questions and asked what 'shit' was. The father told him that it was
"shaving cream." The boy accepted this answer and went downstairs were
his mom was stuffing a turkey. When the mom cut herself with a knife, she
said, "Fuck!" The boy once again asked what 'fuck' was. She told him
that it was "stuffing." About that time, the door bell rang.
When the little boy went to answer the door, it was his grandparents.
Upon opening the door, the little boy said: "Hi bitches and bastards. Let
me take your crooked dicks and floppy tits for you. Dad's upstairs
putting shit on his face and mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey."
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
PILGRAM INTERRUPTERS
This is a selection from a book called "Then Some Other Things Happened,"
a collection of short pieces about history written by eighth graders and
compiled by Bill Lawrence, a teacher and columnist.
Pilgram Interrupters
The Pilgrams were a bunch of English wonderers who wanted to worship as
they wanted to. They escaped the Church of England and came over here
because they heard that American churches were different.
The May Flower was the ship with which they came in. It didn't have a
bathroom on board so there was quite an oder. Priscillia Mullins was the
captain.
First the Pilgrams had gone to Holland but left when their children
started developing customs there. After a stopover at Williamsbug when a
large storm blew them off course they landed on a big, slimey rock in
Massatusetts. They spent the winter there.
Before they got off the ship even they drew up an agreement for the people
of Plymouth to agree on the voting for governors and congressmen. They
kept this hid in the May Flower Compact. Lord Delaware was elected the
first governor of Plymouth Rock.
A friendly Indian named Rhone Oak showed the Pilgrams how to plant corn by
putting it in the ground. Rhone Oak had been the first Indian to come to
America and always wanted a beer. He traveled around with Miles Standy
and translated language. He knew enough English to interrupt.
Another interrupter for the white man was Squanto, who was called that
because he was so short. Squanto drew up a declaration to give the
settlers freedom of government in the new land. The Pilgrams gave the
Indians thanks for all this and that's what started Thanksgiving.
The Pilgrams then appointed Thanksgiving as a national holiday. Abraham
Lincoln later pronounced it and gave it to them and it soon became a
national holiday all around the world.
These people always wore old shoes with a big buckel on the top of them.
The men wore pants that only came a little ways past the knees and the
girls wore funny bonnets.
But if these people wouldn't had of come to America the United States
wouldn't be like it is today.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
WAYS TO MAKE THANKSGIVING MORE FUN
6. Stuff the turkey with nitrous oxide.
5. Bring home one of those inflatable balloons from the Macy's Parade and
introduce it as your date for the evening.
4. While President Clinton watches the football game on TV, fire a few
practice shots at his front window.
3. Run around the dinner table shouting, "O.J. killed this turkey!"
2. Invite Howard Stern over to fondle your turkey breasts.
1. Pour a can of cranberries down your pants.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
THANKSGIVING COOKERY
I heard Jeff Smith, aka The Frugal Gourmet, read this on the air.
Apparently a letter from a viewer:
"I have had my turkey in the freezer for a year and a half. Will it take
longer to thaw?"
John N. Ecker <00051...@mcimail.com>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
HOW TO COOK A TURKEY
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
Just4...@USA.Net
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
ALMOST LIKE THE REAL THING
Copyright 1996, Greg Bulmash, All Rights Reserved
This may look like a real column, smell like a real column, possibly even
taste like a real column, but it isn't. It's made out of tofu. In fact,
it's Tofurkey, that wonderful cruelty-free turkey substitute that
vegetarian parents will be inflicting on their defenseless children all
over the country.
In North America today, we commemorate the first harvest festival of the
original European settlers. We sit down together, eat turkey until we
feel sick, pretend that we don't hate yams, and put mini-marshmallows to
the only other non-sexual use they have besides floating in hot cocoa.
But I won't be doing that. No big holiday family thing today for me. No
sir. My father, my uncle, and I will be hitting the buffet at "RJ's -- A
Place For Ribs." We'll sit down at that festively decorated table, hoping
that at least two seats face a TV that's playing a football game, and gnaw
the flesh off of cow bones, just like the original settlers.
Okay, maybe it's not traditional, but what are you going to do? This
isn't a traditional world anymore. In a traditional world Sally doesn't
have two mommies with a deep committment to each other that is technically
illegal to express in 28 states. In a traditional world, you don't go to
a political fundraiser where there are two donation boxes, one marked "for
the campaign" and the other marked "for attorney fees." In a traditional
world we don't appreciate the fact that at least tonight we won't have to
hear an update on the O.J. Simpson civil trial on the news.
But one tradition holds true, and that's giving thanks for what is
important to us today. So today I give thanks for the internet which has
helped me go from obscurity to mediocrity. I give thanks for the many
readers who have given me support and love, and the other readers who have
provided enough criticism to make me better appreciate my mother. I give
thanks for the seventeen bucks I won in the lotto yesterday.
Thank goodness that big turkey-tryptophan cocktail in the mid afternoon
usually puts most of us to sleep so we don't have to spend the entire day
loathing our families. We can just drift off to sleep as Aunt Doris'
spicy noodle casserole battles the cranberries in our bellies, giving us
dreams of giant cucumbers chasing us into mine shafts.
Anyway... Happy Thanksgiving to one and all (even all of my readers in
other countries who probably have the joy of going to work today)! See ya
Monday!
GBHP E-Mail Edition: Special Thanksgiving Issue
Greg Bulmash <gb...@worldnet.att.net>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
THANKSGIVING LORE
I only received one set of answers to my Thanksgiving queries, and those
seemed motivated by a DOLEful view of the current prez. So just that your
holiday may be complete, and the record straight:
1. Which President made Thanksgiving a legal holiday, and why?
Answer: President Clinton because he wanted his fellow turkeys to have
the same official recognition that he has.
Actually it was Lincoln, in 1864. According to the PBS Civil War
documentary, the smell of roasting turkey eroded Confederate morale when
it wafted from the Union lines over the Confederate trenches. Perhaps
that was his intent.
2. Which President changed the date of Thanksgiving from the last Thursday
in November to the 4th Thursday in November, and why?
Answer: President Clinton because he had an annual date with his mistress
on the last Thursday every month.
Actually it was Franklin Delano Roosevelt, in order to ensure consumers
had enough time for their Christmas shopping. His motive was to promote
economic recovery from the depression (an economic, not psychological term
in the 1930s).
Matt Pico (poet) <po...@idiom.com>
Peter Langston <p...@langston.com>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
THANKSGIVING LEFTOVERS
Part of my job as a technical writer is to help produce the company
newsletter which goes to our clients. I was asked to come up with a list
(ala Letterman's Top Ten List) of funny things one can do with
Thanksgiving leftovers. I applied my head-bone to the problem for an hour
and came up with this list.
*** The entries below were deemed acceptable and went into the newsletter
***
Seal them in concrete and call it a time capsule. Send it to the
Smithsonian with instructions to open in 2096.
Mix some Elmer's glue into the mashed potatoes and use as spackle.
Flatten stuffing with rolling pin and bake until hard. Sell to local
lumber store as press/compound board.
Stick broccoli and celery sticks in potting soil and display as rare and
exotic bonsai.
Liquefy leftovers according to colors. Sell as organic finger paints.
Mix whatever doesn't sell and repackage as vitamin-rich energy juice.
Carefully separate bones, dry thoroughly. Practice making Indian bone
necklaces.
Form mashed potatoes into replicas of ancient urns and vases. Use sweet
potatoes for a dash of color and to create authentic aging marks.
Whittle turkey ribs into reusable toothpicks.
*** The entries below were deemed NOT ACCEPTABLE for the newsletter ***
Refrigerate and save for when your least favorite relative comes for
dinner. Serve a dazzling dinner, and afterwards offer to make a doggie
bag for her/him. Stuff the thanksgiving leftovers in the doggie bag
instead.
Pile them all on one large platter and sculpt into likenesses of famous
performers.
Use as practice ammunition for that all-important Christmas food-fight at
your brother's house.
Freeze in little bags and save for Halloween next year. Hand them out as
prizes for "least-tasteful costume" and "oldest trick-or-treater."
Feed the turkey to your least-favorite neighbor's dog. Sell gas masks to
the neighbors at inflated prices.
Blend all leftovers thoroughly, pour into a plastic garbage bag. Put in a
bus station locker. Call FBI with a tip on Jimmi Hoffa's resting place.
Glue olives, celery sticks, etc. to create clever and whimsical
figurines. Sell at local craft fairs as Christmas presents.
Estimate dollar value of leftovers and send to IRS as "payment-in-kind"
like the fishermen do.
Secretly freeze selected leftovers. When needed defrost and mix in a
little water. Make gagging, hurling noises then display as evidence to
your parents that you are too sick to go to school today. Won't work if
your name is Ferris or Bueler.
Go for long walk in forest with brother or sister. Drop little bits of
leftovers as you go. When the witch in candy house tries to cook you,
follow your trail back home.
Put leftovers in boxes and wrap with festive holiday paper. Leave on the
sidewalk for slow-witted, unsuspecting criminals.
Seal into foil bags and label them "Gourmet K-Rations." Sell to the U.S.
Army.
Place into cylindrical containers and sell to the Army as biological
weapons.
Mix with water to make a broth. Serve as "Potluck Surprise" at local
church dinner.
Stitch turkey skins together, stuff with sweet potatoes, sell as
organically created hackysacks.
John Bell <john...@erols.com> [rec.humor]
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
THANKSGIVING FORECAST
Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon
high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother
the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.
During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will
slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on
plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce
creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.
A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire
area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening,
the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of
34F in the refrigerator.
Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will
be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50
percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming
trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be
low as the only wish left will be the bone.
Elliot Abrams
Joe Potter
Kevin Shaw
Jokemaster
Jack Kolb <KO...@UCLA.EDU>
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
THE FIRST THANKSGIVING PROCLAMATION - JUNE 20, 1676:
On June 20, 1676, the governing council of Charlestown, Massachusetts,
held a meeting to determine how best to express thanks for the good
fortune that had seen their community securely established. By
unanimous vote they instructed Edward Rawson, the clerk, to proclaim
June 29 as a day of thanksgiving. That proclamation is reproduced
here in the same language and spelling as the original.
------------------------------------
"The Holy God having by a long and Continual Series of his Afflictive
dispensations in and by the present Warr with the Heathen Natives of this
land, written and brought to pass bitter things against his own Covenant
people in this wilderness, yet so that we evidently discern that in the
midst of his judgements he hath remembered mercy, having remembered his
Footstool in the day of his sore displeasure against us for our sins, with
many singular Intimations of his Fatherly Compassion, and regard;
reserving many of our Towns from Desolation Threatened, and attempted by
the Enemy, and giving us especially of late with many of our Confederates
many signal Advantages against them, without such Disadvantage to
ourselves as formerly we have been sensible of, if it be the Lord's mercy
that we are not consumed, It certainly bespeaks our positive Thankfulness,
when our Enemies are in any measure disappointed or destroyed; and fearing
the Lord should take notice under so many Intimations of his returning
mercy, we should be found an Insensible people, as not standing before Him
with Thanksgiving, as well as lading him with our Complaints in the time
of pressing Afflictions:
The Council has thought meet to appoint and set apart the 29th day of this
instant June, as a day of Solemn Thanksgiving and praise to God for such
his Goodness and Favour, many Particulars of which mercy might be
Instanced, but we doubt not those who are sensible of God's Afflictions,
have been as diligent to espy him returning to us; and that the Lord may
behold us as a People offering Praise and thereby glorifying Him; the
Council doth commend it to the Respective Ministers, Elders and people of
this Jurisdiction; Solemnly and seriously to keep the same Beseeching that
being perswaded by the mercies of God we may all, even this whole people
offer up our bodies and soulds as a living and acceptable Service unto God
by Jesus Christ."
Bill Petro <Bill....@Central.Sun.COM>
li...@z-code.com
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
MEMORIES OF THANKSGIVING
I remember my first turkey day after my older brother had gotten married.
He and his bride came for the the meal and apparently my mother had far
too many times inelegantly brought up the subject of grandchildren (never
to happen in the family, by the way). My sister-in-law was given the then
in vogue, now thankfully gone, electric carving knife to attack the bird.
She was about 100 pounds (now about 200). When mummy dearest once again
mentioned grandkids, she remarked in the sweetest tone:
"If you don't #%&ing drop that subject I'll use this goddam knife on you."
Ah memories. We still can't figure out why mummy dearest always made
boiled onions in a white sauce as no one could stand them, but that's
another matter.
Anyone else have fond memories?
GWLucky <gwl...@aol.com> [rec.humor]
--
Keith's Mostly Clean Humor & Weird (McHaw) List
To subscribe or unsubscribe, write mai...@mail.otherwhen.com
and put "SUBSCRIBE McHawList" or "UNSUBSCRIBE McHawList" in the
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Vusani
As far as I know the only "Thanksgiving" song that I would think of is
"Alice's Restaurant" by Arlo Guthrie. It was a classic, and really had
nothing to do with thanksgiving, but they always play it on that day on the
local radio. The aspiring songwriters out there need to come up with another
one for the 21st century.
B.E.Newsam
writes
I'll write one. It'll go "Thank God Thanksgiving is only celebrated in
America".
--
B.E.Newsam
Chris
>
>I'll write one. It'll go "Thank God Thanksgiving is only celebrated in
>America".
>--
>B.E.Newsam
Don't forget that C section with the line " Except for Canada, but theirs'
is in October"
jsa...@jps.net
I only know one childrens song about T-Day...
---
I heard Mr Turkey say, "Gobble Gobble Gobble.
Soon will be Thanksgiving Day Gobble Gobble Gobble.
People think it is great fun,
but I think that I will run
and hide until the day is done.
Gobble Gobble Gobble."
--
Probably will never make Kasem's Top 40.
-----------== Posted via Deja News, The Discussion Network ==----------
http://www.dejanews.com/ Search, Read, Discuss, or Start Your Own
Deborah Gregory
Adam Sandler did a song about Turkey. I think its on the CD "They're All Gonna
Laugh At You".
cheryl...@yahoo.com
"Vusani" <vus...@cowtown.net> wrote:
> You know,
>
> As far as I know the only "Thanksgiving" song that I would think of is
> "Alice's Restaurant" by Arlo Guthrie. It was a classic, and really had
> nothing to do with thanksgiving, but they always play it on that day on the
> local radio. The aspiring songwriters out there need to come up with another
> one for the 21st century.
>
>
The idea occurred to me that Arlo could write & do a new Thanksgiving song.
That would be interesting & no doubt become a classic too! The reason the
origional ALICES RESTAURANT song gets airplay on Thanksgiving is that the
garbage dumping incident that took place in the song took place on
Thanksgiving Day 1965. I had no idea the song was played on Thanksgiving &
didn't realize the event occurred then, until after I became a fan of Arlos
in 1988 & heard it on the radio that Thanksgiving. Now it's a tradition for
me on Thanksgiving day at 12 noon to tune in several radios on to several
different stations that are playing Alices-- to hear it on all of them! I
also play my lp & video of it as well! Happy upcoming Thanksgiving everyone!
--
Peace & have a nice day! Cheryl Harrell
"God Bless"... Arlo D. Guthrie (world renowned folksinger)