The secret to being funny
Mister - Funny - Bone - I n t e r n a t i o n a l
Being funny is hard work. Some people think that
humour is easy, that anybody can be funny with very
little work. This is not true. To be funny there
are a lot of things you must know about humour and
a lot of situations you must prepare for. Think
fast - you're in line at McDonalds and the guy in
front of you orders a Whopper -- what do you say?
Give up? Read on, humour impaired person, and learn
the secrets of being funny.
What Is Funny?
Humour can be broken down into five distinct
categories. You should memorise these, as there
will be a quiz later.
Category #1: Pain
Pain is the basis for all humour. It's a simple fact
that if nobody gets hurt, it isn't funny. This
includes both physical and emotional pain. For
example, when Tweety hits Sylvester in the foot
with a mallet, and he hops screaming, stars streaming
from his foot, that's funny. If Tweety hit him and
Sylvester didn't hurt at all, that's not funny. If
Tweety hit him and Sylvester didn't hurt, but
Sylvester turned around and stomped on Tweety's
wittle head, that's funny.
Ethnic jokes are funny because they cause emotional
pain to members of the ethnic group they poke fun
at. However, be warned that it is common practice
to respond to ethnic jokes with more humour. If you
tell an ethnic joke and someone punches you in the
nose, don't be surprised -- they're just showing
their appreciation and responding in kind.
The only exception to this rule is when the pain
happens to you. When you get hurt, it's not funny.
It just hurts. However, other people will find your
pain amusing, so be consoled in the knowledge that
even though it hurts, people are still laughing at
you.
Category #2: The Unexpected
When something happens that you do not expect to
happen, that's funny. When an anvil falls on Wile
E. Coyote, you expect him to splatter all over the
place and die. When he instead gets flattened into
an accordion shape, that's funny. (Also, of course,
his pain is funny. See above.) When you tell a joke
and no one laughs, that's funny because you didn't
expect that to happen. So if you tell a joke and
no one laughs, it is polite to laugh hysterically.
Everyone else thought your joke was great, so they
returned the favour by doing something funny for
you too.
Category #3: Lies and Other Untruths
Lies are inherently funny. If someone behind you
in line asks how long you've been waiting, and
you say "forever and a day," that's funny because
it's a lie. Political jokes are popular because
they're lies about liars.
If a United States president is portrayed as a
giant vending machine handing cash to a donkey,
that's funny, because it's a lie. Probably what
really happened was he gave the money to an
elephant and a guy with a scythe.
Another type of "lie" that is funny is when you
see something in a place where it couldn't be,
or doing something that isn't possible. This type
of humour is both untrue and unexpected, so it's
doubly funny. For instance, if a big fat cartoon
character like Elmer Fudd tiptoes behind a skinny
little tree and hides, that's funny. If a skinny
little cartoon character like Bugs Bunny hides
behind Elmer Fudd, that's not funny.
Category #4: Wordplay
Saying words in funny ways is funny. For instance,
Sylvester the cat is funny because he talks with
a lisp and spits at the letter 's'. When British
people say "aluminium," that's funny. In fact,
anybody with an accent that isn't like yours is
funny, and you should laugh to show your appreciation.
Another type of wordplay that is funny is saying
one word when you mean another. If you're with your
girlfriend, and you call her "Cathy" when you meant
to say "Tina," that's funny. This type of humour is
often followed by humour involving pain. (See above.)
Category #5: Puns
Actually, puns aren't funny.
-==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--
Check out "Gremlin In The Machine" by Mystacy
http://www.acidplanet.com/components/playfile.asp?PID=270877
-==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--
The REAL Alt.Tasteless.Jokes FAQ
Written for ATJ, but can also be used as a guide
for most other joke and humour newsgroups too.
http://www.geocities.com/mystacy/atjfaq.htm
-==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--==--
Douglas D. Anderson
"Mister - Funny - Bone - I n t e r n a t i o n a l" <xfuxnxn...@xmyxstxacyx.xcxoxmx> wrote
>
> Being funny is hard work.
<etc.>
--==--
All humor can be distilled to one very simple concept-
the juxtaposition of two irreconcilable 'icons'. Delivery
is critical, the more the conundrum comes as a complete
surprise, the better. For example, being civil and polite
in the social milieu is a sacred icon of civilized man, and
the fear of damnation and the salvation of the soul is a
serious icon of the spiritual man. The two meet head on
in a deadly collision here-
Sunday morning and the Church pews are rapidly filling up.
A man spots an open location and anxiously asks the man
sitting there, "Pardon me, is this seat saved?"
Everything we find funny can be reduced to such koans,
even such droll wit as the passenger on the sleeping car
asking the porter, "Is that my bunk?" to which the porter
replies, "Good heavens no... that belongs to the railroad."
Now, for practice, readers should take all the jokes ever
posted by Mr. FBI, and try diligently to determine, what
if anything, makes him funny.
Larry Krzewinski
<d...@rr.rochester.com> wrote:
>Now, for practice, readers should take all the jokes ever
>posted by Mr. FBI, and try diligently to determine, what
>if anything, makes him funny.
I compiled all Mr. FBI's posts and jokes into a database and was given
the use of the NSA supercomputers for 24 hours to determine whether he
is funny of not. It was a tense time as the machines crunched all the
numbers and finally spat out just three words on the screen. The
message was addressed to everyone in Usenet. It said:
"Pay the $500!"
marvin
"Douglas D. Anderson" <d...@rr.rochester.com> wrote in message
news:c9Aya.20372$5y5....@twister.nyroc.rr.com...
Double entendre is funny. Doug and Spitty go on vacation in Florida and are
sitting outside their rooms on some deck chairs.
"Nice out, isn't it," says Doug.
"Yes," says Spitty. "I think I might take mine out too."
Douglas D. Anderson
"marvin" <mar...@pissoff.com> wrote in message
news:3ecb305f$0$27013$afc3...@news.optusnet.com.au...
An earlier and simpler formulation of the same is,
"How is it out?"
"Pretty good....I think I'll leave it out."
This requires no explanation, adding to the quality of anxiety
which makes dirty jokes special.
<"Did so-and-so _really_ mean that? or am I just imaging things....???">
Greg Evans
> <"Did so-and-so _really_ mean that? or am I just imaging things....???">
You clever so-and-so...
The Return of Mel
wrote in message <b4olcvoqtviuqq793...@4ax.com>:
what? do you think we are suckers?
i'd rather contribute that towards a pooled fund to pay a professional to
put his live body through a mincing machine feet first.
--
smash yer modem, reboot, kill yerself
http://www.adderleystreet.co.za/mel.asp
cames...@msn.com
Huhn...oh, well,... : )
Larry Krzewinski <lar...@charter.net> wrote in message news:<b4olcvoqtviuqq793...@4ax.com>...
unctarheeltg
So he gave it to her.
"marvin" <mar...@pissoff.com> wrote in message
news:3ecb305f$0$27013$afc3...@news.optusnet.com.au...
>
Larry Krzewinski
<m...@adderleystreet.co.za> wrote:
>>>Now, for practice, readers should take all the jokes ever
>>>posted by Mr. FBI, and try diligently to determine, what
>>>if anything, makes him funny.
>>I compiled all Mr. FBI's posts and jokes into a database and was given
>>the use of the NSA supercomputers for 24 hours to determine whether he
>>is funny of not. It was a tense time as the machines crunched all the
>>numbers and finally spat out just three words on the screen. The
>>message was addressed to everyone in Usenet. It said:
>>"Pay the $500!"
>
>what? do you think we are suckers?
The machine was trying to tell us to pay him to kill himself. That it
would be worth it. Get it?
Zevra and his little green guy
> A woman walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a double entendre.
> So he gave it to her.
> are sitting outside their rooms on some deck chairs.
> > "Nice out, isn't it," says Doug.
> > "Yes," says Spitty. "I think I might take mine out too."
> >
A woman got pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol
motorcycle officer.
When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said,
"I bet you're going to sell me tickets to the Highway Patrol Ball."
He replied, "No, Ma'am, highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized
what he had said. Without saying another word, he closed his book, got
back on his motorcycle and left.
Actually, that a triple entendre! And speaking of triple entendres
...
A World War II pilot is reminiscing before an auditorium full of
school children about his days in the Army Air Force.
"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a
very strong air force. I recall," he continues, "one day I was
protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers
appeared."
At this point, several of the children giggle.
"I looked up," he continued, "and right above me was one of them. I
aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately
realized that there was another fokker behind me."
At hearing the elderly pilot go on, the girls in the auditorium start
to giggle and boys start to laugh.
The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should now point out that
'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company that
constructed many of planes for the German Air Force."
"That's true," says the World War II pilot, "but these fokkers were
flying Messerschmidts..."
Zevra,
timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome,----------- of a rain
dance!
CY13E12 TE121201215T
"The Return of Mel" <m...@adderleystreet.co.za> wrote in message news:68gmcv8nqegrpe0nb...@4ax.com...
> On Tue, 20 May 2003 19:18:09 -0700, Larry Krzewinski <lar...@charter.net>
> wrote in message <b4olcvoqtviuqq793...@4ax.com>:
> >On Wed, 21 May 2003 00:56:40 GMT, "Douglas D. Anderson"
> ><d...@rr.rochester.com> wrote:
> >>Now, for practice, readers should take all the jokes ever
> >>posted by Mr. FBI, and try diligently to determine, what
> >>if anything, makes him funny.
> >I compiled all Mr. FBI's posts and jokes into a database and was given
> >the use of the NSA supercomputers for 24 hours to determine whether he
> >is funny of not. It was a tense time as the machines crunched all the
> >numbers and finally spat out just three words on the screen. The
> >message was addressed to everyone in Usenet. It said:
> >"Pay the $500!"
>
> what? do you think we are suckers?
>
Yes
> i'd rather contribute that towards a pooled fund
That's what the $500 per vote fund is for....
> to pay a professional to put his live body through
> a mincing machine feet first.
Funny how that's the exact same thing he intends to do to you....
then feed the resulting mince to his seven cats...
CY13E12 TE121201215T
<cames...@msn.com> wrote in message news:3bc7ec22.03052...@posting.google.com...
>
> Larry Krzewinski <lar...@charter.net> wrote in message news:<b4olcvoqtviuqq793...@4ax.com>...
> > On Wed, 21 May 2003 00:56:40 GMT, "Douglas D. Anderson"
> > <d...@rr.rochester.com> wrote:
> >
> > >Now, for practice, readers should take all the jokes ever
> > >posted by Mr. FBI, and try diligently to determine, what
> > >if anything, makes him funny.
> >
> > I compiled all Mr. FBI's posts and jokes into a database and was given
> > the use of the NSA supercomputers for 24 hours to determine whether he
> > is funny of not. It was a tense time as the machines crunched all the
> > numbers and finally spat out just three words on the screen. The
> > message was addressed to everyone in Usenet. It said:
> >
> > "Pay the $500!"
>
> lol, now why would anyone want to pay to tell someone jokes are funny?
> Huhn...oh, well,... : )
>
WHOOOOOSSSHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
you obviously missed the "Should I Kill Myself" thread
CY13E12 TE121201215T
"Larry Krzewinski" <lar...@charter.net> wrote in message news:lu8ncvc24llucdtvo...@4ax.com...
It's beyond Fag Boy's comprehension....
CY13E12 TE121201215T
"marvin" <mar...@pissoff.com> wrote in message news:3ecb305f$0$27013$afc3...@news.optusnet.com.au...
>
Doug replies "Want to use the microscope so you can find it first ??"
Spitty says "Fuck you bitch!"
Drool's ears prick up and he says "Yes please"
Larry Krzewinski
green guy) wrote:
>Zevra,
> timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome,----------- of a rain
>dance!
You're such a little sprinkler!
The Return of Mel
wrote in message <lu8ncvc24llucdtvo...@4ax.com>:
no, it would not be worth it, because he is a lying sack of shit. your
computer software was written by a halfwit. get it?
Spitfire
.....his failure......
--
Spitfire
You done yet?
Zevra and his little green guy
> > Huhn...oh, well,...
I'll double yer whoooooooooooooooooosh and up the anti!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!
David Simpson
<lar...@charter.net> typed furiously:
That's better than a wet blanket.
--
David
Remove "farook" to reply
At the bottom of the application where it says
"sign here". I put "Sagittarius"
Larry Krzewinski
<faro...@picknowl.com.au> wrote:
>>>Zevra,
>>> timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome,----------- of a rain
>>>dance!
>>
>>You're such a little sprinkler!
>
>That's better than a wet blanket.
Are you trying to send smoke signals?
CY13E12 TE121201215T
"Zevra and his little green guy" <Lord...@msn.com> wrote in message news:c2ecd0e0.0305...@posting.google.com...
right back atcha!
David Simpson
<lar...@charter.net> typed furiously:
>On Fri, 23 May 2003 14:15:02 +0930, David Simpson
Cough, cough. No! It's the tobacco in this damn peace pipe.
Larry Krzewinski
<faro...@picknowl.com.au> wrote:
>>>>>Zevra,
>>>>> timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome,----------- of a rain
>>>>>dance!
>>>>
>>>>You're such a little sprinkler!
>>>
>>>That's better than a wet blanket.
>>
>>Are you trying to send smoke signals?
>
>Cough, cough. No! It's the tobacco in this damn peace pipe.
Wacky tabacky?
David Simpson
<lar...@charter.net> typed furiously:
>On Sun, 25 May 2003 00:06:37 +0930, David Simpson
Dunno, it tastes like old rope.
Larry Krzewinski
<faro...@picknowl.com.au> wrote:
>>>>>>>Zevra,
>>>>>>> timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome,----------- of a rain
>>>>>>>dance!
>>>>>>
>>>>>>You're such a little sprinkler!
>>>>>
>>>>>That's better than a wet blanket.
>>>>
>>>>Are you trying to send smoke signals?
>>>
>>>Cough, cough. No! It's the tobacco in this damn peace pipe.
>>
>>Wacky tabacky?
>
>Dunno, it tastes like old rope.
Sounds like that was high-ly likely.
Lifestock
Watching Mike Scully's sitcom slowly go to hell before our very own eyes, and
most likely headed towards the unemployment office. Funny! (Pain)
Lifestock
Watching someone else get a circumcision , then later he's looking at porn
that very same day forgetting he got the circumcision , and his dick swells up
the size of Ted Kennedy's head , can't control it. Owww!! , owww!!! ,
owww!!! - Funny (Pain)
Dan
life i wish i hadnt. Its not a joking matter
Lifestock <life...@proxy.com> wrote in message news:<CFN377885...@News.CIS.DFN.DE>...
ink
"Dan" dropped into the real world with a crash and proclaimed...
> Circumcision is not funny. I have been circumcised and every day of my
> life i wish i hadnt. Its not a joking matter
Circumcision in itself may not be a laughing matter... but the
obvious pain it inflicts on you, now there's a roarer!
ink
- "It's half past four and I'm shifting gear."
(Golden Earing)
Greg Evans
[snip]
> Circumcision is not funny. I have been circumcised and every day
> of my life i wish i hadnt. Its not a joking matter
That was a rather cutting remark!
ynotssor
news:7e71d316.03062...@posting.google.com
> Circumcision is not funny. I have been circumcised and every day of my
> life i wish i hadnt. Its not a joking matter
Two young boys were sharing a hospital room.
"Whatcha in for?" ask one.
"I'm getting my tonsils out tomorrow, and I'm scared," came the reply.
"Hey, don't worry about it! I had mine out when I was 5, and they give you
lots of ice cream and other neat stuff, and I was only sore for a little
while."
"That's great," said the other. "What are *you* in for?"
"I'm having a circumcision," was the reply.
"Oh God," said the other, "I had that done when I was born and I couldn't
walk for a year!"
--
use hotmail com for any email replies
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skippy dawg (binky)
> Circumcision is not funny. I have been circumcised
Now why did you do a stupid thing like that?
> and every day of my
> life i wish i hadnt. Its not a joking matter
lol
Jim Sloane & Ceris Jones
"ynotssor" <"ynotssor"> wrote in message
news:3ef87...@corp.newsgroups.com...
Surfie
Q, How do you circumcise a whale?
A. With four skin divers.
G 0 D A L M I G H T Y
"skippy dawg (binky)" <th25c...@phreaker.net> wrote in message news:9cnc4cpfu37h$.1qprr67t5n1tv$.dlg@40tude.net...
> On 24 Jun 2003 06:13:41 -0700, Dan wrote:
>
> > Circumcision is not funny. I have been circumcised
>
> Now why did you do a stupid thing like that?
>
He thought it would be funny
OBJ:
The strong young man at the construction site was
bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of
strength. He made a special case of making fun of
one of the older workmen. After several minutes,
the older worker had had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he
said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul
something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding
that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on,
old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by
the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said,
"All right. Get in."
=====================================
= G0D ALMIGHTY HAS SPOKEN =
= I AM THE ONE TRUE GOD =
= Worship Me, or you'll rot in hell =
=====================================
Larry Krzewinski
>>Circumcision is not funny. I have been circumcised and every day of my
>>life i wish i hadnt. Its not a joking matter
>
>Oh, get over it, dickless.
C'mon, Keith, be nice to Shorty.
Reply to larrykz at charter dot net.
Zodiac
He was a smart young nipper
Shoved broken glass up his ass
and circumcised the Skipper.....
Thats NOT funny if you are the Skipper
"Dan" <cor...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:7e71d316.03062...@posting.google.com...
Vanilla Gorilla (Monkey Boy)
alt.tasteless.jokes:
>Circumcision is not funny. I have been circumcised and every day of my
>life i wish i hadnt. Its not a joking matter
I wish you had been drowned at birth.
--
V.G.
"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather, because it is easier to harrass
rich women than it is motorcycle gangs." - Bumper Sticker
(This sig file contains not less than 80% recycled SPAM)
Sarcasm is my sword, Apathy is my shield.
Vanilla Gorilla (Monkey Boy)
alt.tasteless.jokes:
>The cabin boys name was Kipper
>He was a smart young nipper
>Shoved broken glass up his ass
>and circumcised the Skipper.....
>
The cabin boy, the cabin boy,
That dirty little nipper,
Put broken glass inside his ass,
And circumcised the Skipper!
Get it right, Nimrod.
Jesus
<vgor...@pobox.alaska.net> wrote in message
<5ceifv82813arsh13...@4ax.com>:
>On 24 Jun 2003 06:13:41 -0700, cor...@hotmail.com (Dan) wrote in
>alt.tasteless.jokes:
>>Circumcision is not funny. I have been circumcised and every day of my
>>life i wish i hadnt. Its not a joking matter
>I wish you had been drowned at birth.
that's not very nice. shame on you.
--
Be smart, do as I say - it will save your soul.
*******************************
Read the Official atj FAQ here:
http://atjfaq.shorturl.com
*******************************
Dan Rumney
You might have heard about the surgeon who specialised in circumcision, who
had a drunk problem.
Went into work one day, half drunk; started an operation; slipped and got
the sack
---
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Larry Krzewinski
>>>>Circumcision is not funny. I have been circumcised and every day of my
>>>>life i wish i hadnt. Its not a joking matter
>>>
>>>Oh, get over it, dickless.
>>
>>C'mon, Keith, be nice to Shorty.
>
>What beats the hell outta me is, how does the prick know he's
>missing out? What the fuck can he use for comparison?
I guess he could peel some artichokes to see what he's been missing.
Vanilla Gorilla (Monkey Boy)
alt.tasteless.jokes:
>Tue, 24 Jun 2003 21:56:35 -0800 was a day just like any other,
>until "Vanilla Gorilla (Monkey Boy)" <vgor...@pobox.alaska.net>
>wrote:
>
>>On 24 Jun 2003 06:13:41 -0700, cor...@hotmail.com (Dan) wrote in
>>alt.tasteless.jokes:
>>
>>>Circumcision is not funny. I have been circumcised and every day of my
>>>life i wish i hadnt. Its not a joking matter
>>
>>I wish you had been drowned at birth.
>
>Woulda nipped that problem in the bud.
I'm issuing a revision:
I do NOT wish he had been drowned at birth. I wish they had waited
until just after he was circumcised, and THEN drowned him.
Lifestock
> Circumcision is not funny. I have been circumcised and every day of my
> life i wish i hadnt. Its not a joking matter
(pauses) *Nods head* Your dick is tiny.
Vanilla Gorilla (Monkey Boy)
wrote in alt.tasteless.jokes:
Look, complain about my dick being "tiny", OR gag and choke on it when
I sneak in a hip-thrust, but NOT BOTH.
ur_droll
"LiVestock" <liVe...@proxy.com> wrote
:
: (pauses) *Nods head*
Being a fat cow ain't a secret Bessie
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**********************************