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Oct 28, 1999, 3:00:00 AM10/28/99
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Halloween Jokes

Who did the boy monster take to the Halloween dance?
His bootiful ghoul-friend.

Why did the ghost become a sailor?
He wanted to haunt for buried treasure!

What would you get if you crossed a wolf with a polyester jacket?
A wash-and-wearwolf

What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch.

What did the Mommy Vampire say to the Baby Vampire?
"You are driving me batty."

What do baseball players do on Halloween?
They practice pitchcraft.

What do ghouls order at McMonsters?

What do little ghosts drink?
Evaporated milk.

What do you get when you bite a ghost
A mouth full of sheet

What do you get if you cross Jesse James and Dracula?
A robbery at the blood bank.

What happened to the monster children who ate all their vegetables?
They gruesome.

What happened to the monster that took the five o'clock train home?
He had to give it back.

What happens when a flying witch breaks the sound barrier?
You hear the broom boom.

What do you use to repair a Jack O' Lantern?
A pumpkin patch.

Do witches stay home on weekends?
No. They go away for a spell.

What do you call a roomful of ghosts?
A bunch of boo-boos.

What do you give a vampire with a cold?
Coffin Drops!

What do you call a ghost in a torn sheet?
A holy terror.

What goes "Oob, oob!"
A witch in reverse.

What happened to the witch who hooked her broom to a space shuttle?
She got spaced out.


Still MORE Halloween Jokes

Why couldn't the mummy attend the meeting?
He was all tied up.

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a dwarf?
A monster that sucks blood out of kneecaps!!!

What do you call a monster that has been locked in a freezer all night?
A cool ghoul!

What do spooks call their Navy?
The ghost guard.

What's the best place for a mirror?
In a graveyard. It can double your mummy.

Did you hear about the cannibal who was expelled from school?
He was buttering up his teacher.

What is a ghost's favourite subject in high school?
Boo-ology of course!

What did the mother ghost say to the baby ghost when they got into the car?
"Don't forget to buckle your sheetbelt!"

What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back".

Why did the vampire quit the baseball team?
They would only let him be BAT boy!

Why didn't Dracula get married?
He never met a nice Ghoul!

What is a ghost's favourite food?
Boo-loney sandwich.

What kind of protozoa likes Halloween?
An amoeboo!

What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A Bloodhound!

What kind of math did the monster student do best?
Scare root.

What should you say when you meet a ghost?
"How do you boo, sir? How do you boo?"

What time would it be if five demons were chasing you?
Five after one.

What type of music do ghosts prefer?
Spirituals, of course.

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.







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Building A Dam

This was an actual letter from and a reply to the Michigan Department
of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan:

Mr. Ryan De Vries
2088 Dagget
Pierson, MI 49339

Dear Mr. De Vries:

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental
Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the
above-referenced parcel of property.

You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who
did the following unauthorized activity: Construction and maintenance
of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A
permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A
review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural
Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts
of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan
Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams
partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and
flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature
are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted.

The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all
unauthorized activities at this location, and to restore the stream
to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the
dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be
completed no later than January 31, 1998.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so
that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.
Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized
activity on the site may result in this case being referred for
elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your
full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at
this office if you have any questions.

David L. Price
District Representative
Land and Water Management Division


Dear Mr. Price:

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N, R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Your certified letter dated 12/17/97 has been handed to me to respond
to. You sent out a great deal of carbon copies to a lot of people,
but you neglected to include their addresses. You will, therefore,
have to send them a copy of my response. First of all, Mr. Ryan De
Vries is not the legal landowner and/or contractor at 2088 Dagget,
Pierson, Michigan -- I am the legal owner and a couple of beavers are
in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining
two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond.
While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervised their dam project,
I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful
use of natural building materials "debris." I would like to
challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any
time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there
is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their
dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they
first must fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of
dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) are you trying to discriminate
against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers
throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not
discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom
of Information Act I request completed copies of all those other
applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will
see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and
Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act,
Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to
324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is -- aren't the beavers
entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are
financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -
so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The
Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed
during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a
natural occurrence which the department is required to protect. In
other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather
than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition --
please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them
(they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter -- being
unable to read English) -- be sure they are read the Miranda rights
first. As for me, I am not going to cause more flooding or dam debris
jams by interfering with these dam builders. If you want to hurt
these dam beavers -- be aware I am sending a copy of your dam letter
and this response to PETA. If your dam department seriously finds
all dams of this nature inherently hazardous and truly will not
permit their existence in this State -- I seriously hope you are not
selectively enforcing this dam policy -- or once again both I and the
Spring Pond Beavers will scream prejudice!

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build
their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is
green and water flows downstream. They have more dam right than I do
to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources
and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect
the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be
referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait
until 1/31/98? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then
and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass
them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention a real
environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears.

Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers
alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your
step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to
contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response
to your dam office via another government organization -- the dam
USPS. Maybe, someday, it will get there.

Stephen L. Tvedten

cc: PETA


What Is That?

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near
the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on
the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four
stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, "Why do
you dress funny?"

He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.

Then the boy pointed to the priest's plastic collar tab and asked,
"Do you have an owie?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab
looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to
the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving
the name of the manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, "Do you know
what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering
intently at the letters he said, "Kills ticks and fleas up to six

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Oct 29, 1999, 3:00:00 AM10/29/99
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More Halloween Jokes

Why did the ghost go to the doctor?
To get his boo-ster shot?

What is a ghost's favourite species of bird?
The scare crow!

What is the most important safety rule for witches?
Don't fly off the handle!

When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse..

When do ghosts usually appear?
Just before someone screams.

When a witch lands, where does she park?
In a broom closet.

Where did they put Dracula when he was arrested?
In a red bloodcell!

Where does Count Dracula make his withdrawals?
At the blood bank.

Where do monsters go for sunset sails?
Lake Eee-rie

What do you call a skeleton who refuses to help around the house?

What is a werewolf's favourite holiday?
"Howloween" !

What flies through the night, has a black cape, and bites people?
A mosquito wearing a black cape.

Why did the monster eat the tight-rope walker?
He wanted to eat a well balanced diet!

What did the detective say when he solved the case of the missing mummy?
"Well, that one's about wrapped up!"

What haunts your house and honks?

Why was the student vampire tired in the morning?
Because he was up all night studying for his blood test!!!

What do ghosts like to do for recreation in their spare time?
They go "booling"!

Why do vampires drink blood?
Because coffee keeps them awake all day!

What type of coffee do vampires prefer?

Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
Because everyone was a goblin!


Still MORE Halloween Jokes

Why was the little ghost sent to his room before dinner was over?
Because he was goblin too fast!

What TV show do all ghosts love to watch?
Squeal of Fortune

What do skeletons say before they begin dining?
Bone appetit !

Why don't skeletons like parties?
They have no body to dance with.

Why don't skeletons ski?
They don't have the guts.

Why don't witches ever have babies?
Warlocks have hollow weenies.

What did Dracula say to Wolfman after introducing his new girlfriend?
"I've always been a sucker for a pretty face"!

Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?
Because he's a pain in the neck!

What spook lives in the "hundred acre wood"?
Winnie the Boo

What did the monster eat after the dentist pulled his tooth?
The dentist!

Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to take !

Who digs the graves when the grave diggers go on strike?
The skeleton crew!

How does a witch travel when she doesn't have a broom?
She witch hikes!

Who belongs to the monster PTA?
The mummies and deadies!

When does a ghost need a license?
During "haunting" season.

What two types of music do mummies like best?
Rag time and Wrap.

What do you call a three-headed deaf monster?
Anything you like, as he can't hear you.

How do witches tell the time?
Using a witch-watch

What time is it when a monster smashes down your front door?
Time to get a new door

What's the difference between a coffin and a letterbox?
You don't know? - well, i won't send you to post a letter.





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Twisted Sayings

Dyslexics have more fnu

Clones are people, two

Entropy isn't what it used to be

Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!

Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses

Eschew obfuscation

186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

Air Pollution is a mist-demeanor

Anything free is worth what you pay for it

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Editing is a rewording activity

Help stamp out and eradicate superfluous redundancy

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure

My reality check just bounced

Rap is to music, what Etch-a-Sketch is to art

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Energizer bunny arrested, charged with battery

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway

Boycott shampoo... Demand REAL poo!

IRS - Be audit you can be


Political Correctness

Some excerpts from the Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE).

A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to
fulfill his wellness potential."

The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that
rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "have an explosive
force upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted
overpressure threshhold of physiological damage for exposed
personnel." In other words, if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls
on someone, he or she is not likely to survive.

A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.

At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they
were fired.

After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to
call it) only to receive the following notice: "We must report that
during the handling of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the
films were involved in an unusual laboratory experience." The use of
the passive is a particularly nice touch, don't you think? Nobody
did anything to the films; they just had a bad experience. Of course
our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over
again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent

The description on the package of Stouffer's Veal Tortellini with
Tomato Sauce says it contains "exquisite egg pasta." The list of
ingredients, however, includes "cooked noodle product."

The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school

Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
recognition of the sanctity of human life."

According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm."
Their "farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year.
But as a "family farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135
million a year.

Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers."
You probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a
government agency.

It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono-
logically experienced citizens."

According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."


Oct 30, 1999, 3:00:00 AM10/30/99
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Halloween Party

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to
take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in
the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping
noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they
found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of
the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath,
"You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What
are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"


Thank God!

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new
knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm
85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida
driver's license!





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(And below, you even get the answers! No cheating.)

Name the Beatles - both the first and last name of each, of
course. Consider this a warm-up. [If you can't answer this one
without thinking, close up the test, and move on to something
else. We have nothing further to discuss.]
______________________________ ______________________________
______________________________ ______________________________

Finish the line: "Lions and tigers and bears, ____ _____!"
Admittedly, this came along before we boomers were born. But we
remember it from both the movies and the boob tube.

"Hey kids, what time is it?" ______ _________ ________ ________.

What do M&M's do? _____ ___ ______ ________, _____ ___ ____

What helps build strong bodies 12 ways? _________.

Long before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest, we
knew him as _________ _________.

"You'll wonder where the yellow went, _____ ____ ______ _____
______ _____ ___________."

Those post-baby boomers, or baby boomer wannabes, know Bob
Denver as the Skipper's "little buddy." But we true boomers
know that Bob Denver is actually Dobie's closest friend,
_____________ _ _____________.

M-I-C: See ya' real soon; K-E-Y: _____? _________ ___ ______

Definition: A "streaker" is someone who might go running
through the lobby of the girls' dormitory ______________.

"Brylcream: ___ ________ _______ _______ ______ _______."

Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone ________ ____.

>From the early days of our music, real rock 'n roll, finish
this line: "I wonder, wonder, wonder...wonder who; _______
_______ ____ _______ ___ _______."

And while we're remembering rock n' roll, try this one:
"War...uh-huh, huh...yea; what is it good for? ___________

This is from a kinder and gentler protest song, but the
question is just as profound: Where have all the flowers
gone? Perhaps you could use a little help here: "Where have
all the flowers gone, long time passing? Where have all the
flowers gone? ____ ______ _____ _______ _____ ____."

Meanwhile, back home in Metropolis, Superman fights a
never-ending battle for truth, justice, and ____
_______________ _______.

He came out of the University of Alabama, and became one of
the best quarterbacks in the history of the NFL and later
went on to appear in a television commercial wearing women's
stockings. He is Broadway ______ _____________.

"I'm Popeye the sailor man; I'm Popeye the sailor man. I'm
strong to the finish, ______ __ _____ ___ _______. I'm
Popeye the sailor man."

Your children probably recall that Peter Pan was recently
played by Robin Williams, but we will always remember when
Peter was played by ___________ ____________.

In the movie, The Graduate, young Benjamin, played by
Dustin Hoffman was counselled about his future, and told to
consider one thing: _______________.

In another movie from the late sixties, Paul Newman played
Luke, a ne'er do well who was sent to a prison camp for
cutting off the heads of parking meters with a pipe cutter.
When he was captured after an unsuccessful attempt to escape,
the camp commander (played by Strother Martin) used this
experience as a lesson for the other prisoners, and explained,
"What we have here, ____ ___ ___________ _____

In 1962, a dejected politician chastised the press after
losing a race for governor while announcing his retirement
from politics. "Just think, you won't have ________
____________ to kick around any more."

"Every morning, at the mine, you could see him arrive; He
stood six foot, six, weighted 245. Kinda' broad at the
shoulder, and narrow at the hip. And everybody knew you
didn't give no lip, ___ ____ _______."

"I found my thrill, _____ ____________ __________________."
You may remember Riche Cunningham singing this. But if you
are a true boomer, you know it was Fats Domino who made this
line famous.

"Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ___________ ____ ____." This
originated long before even the first of us boomers was born.
But in order to be a true baby boomer, you have to have some

"Good night Chet. - Good night, David." "___ ____ ______ __
___ ____."

"Liar, liar, ______ ___ _____."

"When it's least expected, you're elected; You're the star
today. Smile! _______ ___ _______ _______."

>From our parents' day, as I recall, it was Pogo, the comic
strip character, who said, "We have met the enemy, and ____
____ _____."

Who put the bop in the bop she-bop she-bop?


1 - John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, Ringo Starr
2 - "oh my"
3 - "It's Howdy Doody Time"
4 - melt in your mouth, not in your hands
5 - Wonderbread
6 - Cassius Clay
7 - "when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent"
8 - Maynard G. Krebs
9 - "Why? Because we like you."
10 - naked
11 - "a little dab will do you."
12 - "over thirty"
13 - "who wrote the book of love."
14 - "absolutely nothing" (Seinfeld fans probably got this one.)
15 - Girls have picked them every one
16 - The American Way
17 - Joe Nameth
18 - "'cause I eats me spinach"
19 - Sandy Duncan
20 - Plastics
21 - "is a failure to communicate"
22 - "Dick Nixon"
23 - "to Big John"
24 - "on Blueberry Hill"
25 - "wherever you are"
26 - "And good night for NBC News".
27 - "pants on fire."
28 - "You're on Candid Camera."
29 - "he is us."
30 - I don't know, but he made my baby fall in love with me.


"Baseball In Heaven" (A golden oldie...)

Two buddies Bob and Earl were two of the
biggest baseball fans in America.

Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed
baseball history in the winter, and they pored
over every box score during the season. They
went to 60 games a year. They even agreed
that whoever died first would try to come back
and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his
sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier
in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later,
his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's
voice from beyond.

"Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked.

"Of course it me," Bob replied.

"This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell
me, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well, I have some good news and some bad
news for you. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Tell me the good news first."

"Well, the good news is that yes there is
baseball in heaven, Earl."

"Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly
be the bad news?"

"You're pitching tomorrow night."


Nov 3, 1999, 3:00:00 AM11/3/99
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Little Angel

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little
girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said,
"what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"

The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to
come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it
just one more time."

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest
thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with
her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says,
"Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my ******* cookies!"


Musical Dog

Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his
father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the
den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harold's violin reached
his ears, he began to howl loudly.

The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could.

Then he jumped up, and yells above the noise, "For Pete's
sake, can't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"





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The Girl Next Door

Little Bobby (seven) was in love with Little Susie (same age) who lived
next door.

One day, Bobby went to Susie's dad and announced (as seriously as he
could), "I'm in love with Susie, and we're getting married".

Amused, Susie's dad started asking questions (in the hopes to discourage
the idea).

Susie' dad: "Where will you live?"

Bobby: "Well, Susie has a playhouse in the back yard, so we're gonna
live there."

Susie's dad: "How are you going to make money to support her?"

Bobby: "Well, Susie gets 75 cents a week, and I get $1.25 a week."
<pauses to think> "That should be more than enough!"

Seeing that Bobby was still serious, Susie's dad asked, "Well, what
about children?"

Bobby perked up and quickly answered, "Oh, we have that figured out
already. Whenever Susie lays an egg, I'm gonna stomp on it!"


Poor Excuse

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week
and found the boss waiting for him. "What`s the story this time,
Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let`s hear a good excuse for a

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife
decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but
then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across
the river -- look, my suit`s still damp -- ran out to the airport, got
a ride on Mr. Thompson`s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music
Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You`ll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously
disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."


Nov 3, 1999, 3:00:00 AM11/3/99
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Who's Stupid?

A businessman was talking with his barber, when they both
noticed a goofy-looking fellow bouncing down the sidewalk.
The barber whispered, "That's Martin, one of the stupidest
kids you'll ever meet. Here, I'll show you."

"Hey Martin! Come here!" yelled the barber. Martin came
bouncing over "Hi Mr. Williams!" The barber pulled out a
rusty dime and a shiny quarter and told Martin he could
keep the one of his choice. Martin looked long and hard at
the dime and quarter and then quickly snapped the dime
from the barber's hand. The barber looked at the
businessman and said, "See, I told you."

After his haircut, the businessman caught up with Martin and
asked him why he chose the dime.

Martin looked at him in the eye and said, "If I take the
quarter, the game is over."


Noah's Ark Today

The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it
rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil
is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of
each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark."
Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began
to fall. Noah sat in his front yard, weeping.

"Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord.

"Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things
happened. The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's
code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was
violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front
yard, so I had to get a variance. The Forest Service required
tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a state animal rights
group when I tried to gather up the animals. The EPA required
an environmental impact statement concerning the flood. The
Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood
plain. The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to
avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal
Opportunity Commission said I wasn't hiring enough ethnic
minorities. I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for
at least five years."

Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began
to shine. Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're
not going to devastate the earth?"

"Right," said the Lord. "The government already has."





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Important Warnings

On the "CycleAware" helmet-mounted mirror:
"Remember: Objects in the mirror are actually behind you."

On a large folding cardboard sunshade for car windscreens:
"Do not attempt to operate vehicle with sunshade in place."

On a car lock which loops around both the clutch pedal and the
steering wheel: "Warning - Remove lock before driving."

In the instructions for a Korean kitchen knife:
"Keep out of children."

On a packet of juggling balls:
"This product contains small granules under 3 millimeters. Not
suitable for children under the age of 14 years in Europe or 8 years
in the USA."

On a packet of Nytol sleeping tablets:
"Warning: may cause drowsiness."

On a packet of peanuts served on an internal flight in China (written
in both English and Chinese): "Open packet and eat contents."

On 500g packets of Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Contains nuts."

Seen on a camera:
"This camera only works when there is film inside."

On a bottle of flavored milk drink:
"After opening, keep upright."

On a Rowenta iron:
"Warning! Never iron clothes on the body!"

On a can of windscreen de-icing spray:
"Spray works in sub-zero temperatures."

On a can of insect spray:
"Kills all kinds of insects! Warning: This spray is harmful to

A different brand of insect spray:
"Kills flies, wasps, mosquitoes, midges, and other flying insects.
Not tested on animals."

On an ocean buoy for determining the position of submarines:
"Protect from seawater."

On a Halloween Batman costume:
"This cape does not give the wearer the ability to fly."


Can I Believe?

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the
little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms
really *really* hard."

So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like
mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground just a few inches below.

Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and
said, "What happened?!?"

Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe
everything someone tells him."


Nov 3, 1999, 3:00:00 AM11/3/99
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Smart Bird

A Man who was feeling guilty for leaving his mother alone to much
went to a pet shop to get his mother a companion. At the shop he
was shown a parrot that could speak 7 languages, sing opera
and generally provide stimulating conversation. Pleased beyond
belief he bought the bird and sent it to his mother. After not
hearing from her for a few days he called and asked how
she liked the parrot.

"I loved it" she replied "It was really delicious."

"You ate it!" He exclaimed "That bird could speak 7 languages and
sing Carmen. It was one of a kind and you ate it!"

"Well, If it was so smart! She snapped back, "why didn't it say anything?"


Daily Excercise For The Nonathletic

Calories can be burned by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous
activities that do not require physical exercise.

Exercise_____________________ Calories burned per hour

Beating around the bush.................75

Jumping to conclusions.................100

Climbing the walls.....................150

Swallowing your pride...................50

Passing the buck........................25

Throwing your weight around
(depending on your weight)..........50-300

Dragging your heels....................100

Pushing your luck......................250

Making mountains out of molehills......500

Hitting the nail on the head............50

Wading through paperwork...............300

Bending over backwards..................75

Jumping on the bandwagon...............200

Balancing the books.....................25

Running around in circles..............350

Eating crow............................225

Tooting your own horn...................25

Climbing the ladder of success.........750

Pulling out the stops...................75

Adding fuel to the fire................160

Wrapping it up at the day's end.........12

To which you may want to add your own favorite activities, including:

Opening a can of worms .................50

Putting your foot in your mouth........300

Starting the ball rolling...............90

Going over the edge.....................25

Picking up the pieces after.............350





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JOKE MAIL'S web site on their home pages.

Alley Cat:

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A Vulgar Parrot

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot
was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.
Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't
expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was
constantly saying polite words, playing soft music,
anything that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled
at the bird, the bird got worse. He shook the bird and
the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot
in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird
squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly,
all was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have actually hurt
the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The
parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm
and said: "I'm sorry that I offended you with my
language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness.
I will try to check my behavior..."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude
and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot
continued, "Pardon me, may I ask what the chicken did?"


Email Facts Of Life

1. Big companies don't do business via chain letter. Bill Gates is
not giving you $1000, and Disney is not giving you a free vacation.
There is no baby food company issuing class-action checks. You can
relax; there is no need to pass it on "just in case it's true".
Furthermore, just because someone said in the message, four
generations back, that "we checked it out and it's legit", does not
actually make it true.

2. There is no kidney theft ring in New Orleans. No one is waking up
in a bathtub full of ice, even if a friend of a friend swears it
happened to their cousin. If you are hellbent on believing the kidney-
theft ring stories, please see:
And I quote: "The National Kidney Foundation has repeatedly issued
requests for actual victims of organ thieves to come forward and tell
their stories. None have." That's "none" as in "zero". Not even your
friend's cousin.

3. Neiman Marcus doesn't really sell a $200 cookie recipe. And even
if they do, we all have it. And even if you don't, you can get a copy
at: Then, if you make the
recipe, decide the cookies are that awesome, feel free to pass the
recipe on.

4. We all know all 500 ways to drive your roommates crazy, irritate
co-workers and creep out people on an elevator. We also know exactly
how many engineers, college students, Usenet posters and people from
each and every world ethnicity it takes to change a lightbulb.

5. Even if the latest NASA rocket disaster(s) DID contain plutonium
that went to particulate over the eastern seaboard, do you REALLY
think this information would reach the public via an AOL chain-

6. There is no "Good Times" virus. In fact, you should never, ever,
ever forward any email containing any virus warning unless you first
confirm it at an actual site of an actual company that actually deals
with virii. Try: . And even then, don't forward
it. We don't care.

7. If your CC: list is regularly longer than the actual content of
your message, you're probably going to H*ll.

8. If you're using Outlook, IE, or Netscape to write email, turn off
the "HTML encoding." Those of us on Unix shells can't read it, and
don't care enough to save the attachment and then view it with a web
browser, since you're probably forwarding us a copy of the Neiman
Marcus Cookie Recipe anyway.

9. If you still absolutely MUST forward that 10th-generation message
from a friend, at least have the decency to trim the eight miles of
headers showing everyone else who's received it over the last 6
months. It sure wouldn't hurt to get rid of all the ">" that begin
each line. Besides, if it has gone around that many times - I've
probably already seen it.

10. Craig Shergold in England is not dying of cancer or anything else
at this time and would like everyone to stop sending him their
business cards. He apparently is also no longer a "little boy"

Andreas K

Nov 4, 1999, 3:00:00 AM11/4/99
On a bicycle trailer for children:
For children 2-6 ages.


Nov 6, 1999, 3:00:00 AM11/6/99
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Glad these people were wrong....

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."

- Charles H. Duell, Commissioner,
U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to
try and find oil? You're crazy."

- Drillers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist
in his project to drill for oil in 1859.

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible."

- Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."

- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy,
Ecole Superieure de Guerre.


Change a Lightbulb

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and
the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby
and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second
part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a
result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e. the
lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging
from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an
area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning
of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the
party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the
aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following steps:

1) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or
any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (
Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a
counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

2) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the
option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a
manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal

3) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the
first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation
of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation
shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures
described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to
note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this
point also being non-negotiable.

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of
the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons
authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible
revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."



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Ring The Bell

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very
small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him
to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves
closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow
and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and
gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently
and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"


White Hair

One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the
dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has
several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her
brunette head.

She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your
hairs white, mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and
make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then
said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"

David Wright

Nov 6, 1999, 3:00:00 AM11/6/99
In article <>,
MCant23790 <> wrote:

>Glad these people were wrong....
>"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
> - Charles H. Duell, Commissioner,
> U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

This guy wasn't wrong, because he never said it.

-- David Wright :: wright at :: Not a Spokesman for Anyone
These are my opinions only, but they're almost always correct.
"What would Brian Boitano do?" -- Kyle, Stan, and Cartman

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