Some Russian Jokes
Craig Bennett
A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.
Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat
today."
|
| About 2700 Jokes: TheClyde's Searchable Humour Archive
| http://www.pangea.ca/~theclyde/jokes
| More than 3300 jokes, riddles, shaggy dogs and lists
| with a seach engine to find the jokes you want
|
| Craig Bennett <thec...@NOSPAMmindless.com>>
| (remove the NOSPAM to mail me)
|
Derek Neitzel
Craig Bennett wrote in message <35e56380...@news.pangea.ca>...
>What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?
>A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.
>
>Little Boy: What will communism be like when perfected?
>His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
>LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
>HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat
>today."
Here some of my favorites. Since the fall of the Soviet Union, I can no
longer tell those era jokes as they might not make sense anymore, but this
might be still valid. I wish I could remember more. In the 70's, most Poles
you would meet overseas all had a vast repetoir of Soviet Jokes.
- An English traveler on the Trans Siberian was riding when the train
came to a stop in the middle of a vast forest. 10 hours later he was still
waiting on the train, when a conductor passed through the compartment. The
man politely asked the conductor if their wait would be very much longer.
The conductor replied that he thought it might be very much longer. To which
the traveler said. "What makes you say that?" to which the conductor
replied, "Because the Engineer traded the Engine for 3 cases of
vodka."
Or.
Three men in a Soviet gulag are sitting around the barrel stove one night
and the subject of what they are incarcerated for comes up.
The first one says: " I am here because I voted for Comrade Petrov in
1957".
The second one says: "I am here because I voted against Comrade Petrov in
1958".
The third one says, "I am Comrade Petrov".
Or:
A Russian man and his wife lived on a collective farm in near Kiev. He loved
her dearly and she was attractive and dutiful. But she was the world's worst
cook. He was near starvation because he could not eat any of the food she
prepared. Then one day the local Communist party headquarters announced that
among other evening classes they were offering was one on cooking. The man
suggested it to his wife and she agreed to go for the duration.
He cooked for himself as she was at class every evening. But after six
months he finally asked her to make him a meal to see what she had learned.
She made the meal and he started eating when he found out it was just as
vile as ever. He lost his temper and screamed that she had been in cooking
class for a full six months she had not improved at all.
She said "I can't help it! We are only now up to the October Revolution!"
-Vusani
Derek Neitzel
Craig Bennett wrote in message <35e56380...@news.pangea.ca>...
>What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?
>A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.
>
Two Russian soldiers were on the Berlin Wall one night.
One of them out of the clear blue said:
"If I were to jump off this wall and run into West Berlin, would you shoot
me?"
The other said, "Of course I would! Wouldn't you?"
The first replied, "No, I wouldn't."
To which the second answered: "Oh, well in that case, I'll go first."
Maddog
torn down and Russia has all but collapsed. Us older folks can still
find the humor in it though.
Derek Neitzel wrote in message <6tl47r$qed$1...@supernews.com>...
Mister Funnybone
a thick fur coat, like they wear in Russia.
While walking down a snow-swept street, a passer-by noticed the
fur coat, and as me if i was a Russian.
I told him 'No, I'ma Takinga Ma time!'
--
=============================================================
Mr Funny Bone - Rib Ticklers United - <Funn...@LineOne.Net>
My ICQ number is 18469611 - Do you ICQ ??
Feel free to forward this message to friends
To subscribe to my joke mailing list - Visit the web-page:-
<http://website.lineone.net/~mystacy/Jokes/Jokepage.htm>
=============================================================
This message sponsored by: Mystacy's Picture Scanning Service
For details visit the web-page
http://website.lineone.net/~mystacy/Scanning.htm
=============================================================
Derek Neitzel
'Mister Funnybone' wrote in message ...
>A few years ago, in a rather cold winter.. i took to wearing
>a thick fur coat, like they wear in Russia.
>While walking down a snow-swept street, a passer-by noticed the
>fur coat, and as me if i was a Russian.
>I told him 'No, I'ma Takinga Ma time!'
>
>
>--
Athough that a was a pretty a lame, it wasa kinda funny.
So, on that same note in a way, and once again, it iz only funny to the cold
war generation:
....Two Arab soldiers during the "Six-days War" with Israel in '67, were
watching their armies getting massacred on the plains from the hillside
position they were occupying.
The first said: " I don't understand it! Why are we losing so badly?" "Is it
because these Russian weapons are no good?"
The other replied: "No, I think the Russian weapons are just fine. I think
our problems lie with these Russian military handbooks!"
The first asked, "Why do you say that?"
To which the other replied:
"Well look what it says on the first page."
"... First, retreat into your own territory and wait for the Winter
Snows......."
Derek Neitzel
...So!
Forgive me, but I have yet another one of my own. This is the most
sophmoric, stupid, corny, and long winded Soviet Joke I have ever heard.
However, it is without a doubt the most "soviet" of all and every Czech I
ever told it to laughed....
..When Krushchev was ousted and leaving office at the Kremlin, Breznev was
coming in. On his way out, Krushchev told his successor, that there were two
letters in the old small desk in the back of the next room to the office.
These were labled "Letter #1" and "Letter #2".
Futhermore, if Breznev were to ever get into bad political trouble to open
them one at a time.
Breznev within a year found himself in very hot politcal water with the
politburo and didn't know what to do, when he remembered what Krushkev said,
and then remembered the letters.
He found the key to the old desk, and found in it the envelope that was
marked "Letter #1".
So he opened it and read it.
It said:
"I suppose that you are in trouble by now, so blame everything on me." --
Sincerely, N. Krushchev.
Breznev thought that was a good idea so he did. He blamed everything from
low industrial production to low birthrate to increased prices of vodka on
Krushchev. So, for added good measure, he drug Stalin into the argument also
and blamed him on everything he couldn't blam Krushchev for.
And of all things, it really worked too!
For awhile anyway, and then a while later he was again in very hot water
with all sorts of things, when he remembered about the second letter his
predecessor had left, so he went back to the old desk.
He finally found the key and found the envelope marked "Letter #2".
He opened the letter......
And it said......
"Write two letters." --Sincerely, N. Krushchev
Dmitry Litvintsev
>
> Athough that a was a pretty a lame, it wasa kinda funny.
>
> So, on that same note in a way, and once again, it iz only funny to the cold
> war generation:
>
> ....Two Arab soldiers during the "Six-days War" with Israel in '67, were
> watching their armies getting massacred on the plains from the hillside
> position they were occupying.
>
> The first said: " I don't understand it! Why are we losing so badly?" "Is it
> because these Russian weapons are no good?"
>
> The other replied: "No, I think the Russian weapons are just fine. I think
> our problems lie with these Russian military handbooks!"
>
> The first asked, "Why do you say that?"
>
> To which the other replied:
>
> "Well look what it says on the first page."
>
> "... First, retreat into your own territory and wait for the Winter
> Snows......."
that was the good one !
--
Dmitri Litvintsev
Russia
Derek Neitzel
>A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.
>
etc.
..And I apologize, but I have to get in one more.......
....Ghengis Khan, Alexander the Great, and Napoleon, all found themselves in
Red Square one May Day watching a great military parade.
Ghengis pointed to the massive missile trucks in the line and said,
"If I had arrows like those in my day, I would have conquered twice the
amount I did!"
Alexander the Great pointed to the greatest and latest of the tanks and
said:
"If I had chariots like those in my day, I could have conquered the entire
world in half the time!"
Napoleon looked up from the issue of "Pravda" that he was reading and said,
"You know, if I had had a newspaper like this, no one would have ever even
heard of Waterloo!"
Derek Neitzel
Derek Neitzel wrote in message <6u3oev$fu6$1...@supernews.com>...
>
>Craig Bennett wrote in message <35e56380...@news.pangea.ca>...
>>What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?
>>A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.
>>
>etc.
>
>..And I apologize, but I have to get in one more.......
>
..And I apologize again, but since obviously no one appreciates the CLASSIC,
PRICELESS WITH VAST HISTORICAL EDUCATIONAL VALUE Russian political jokes of
say, 40 years ago, I will try a new tactic and level...
... A newly arrived Russian immigrant was telling his co-worker of the
beauties of living in the U.S.
"The U.S. is the greatest and most wonderful country on earth!" he said.
"For where else can you find that even though you are new, do not speak the
language well and are poor, someone will take you in, buy you a big meal in
a fancy restaurant, go with you shopping for clothes and pay for them, give
you money, rent you a big hotel room, and then invite all his friends to
come over and meet you!"
His coworker said: "Did that really happen to you?"
"No, but it happened to my sister!"
Ok, for those of you who don't get it, you see, this Russian guy's sister is
female....females sometimes have "babies"... but, in order to have
"babies"...... are you getting all this down?......Look, I'm only going to
explain this once....you in the back, pay attention...
Derek Neitzel
Craig Bennett wrote in message <35e56380...@news.pangea.ca>...
>What is 150 yards long and eats potatoes?
>A Moscow queue waiting to buy meat.
>
>His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
>LB: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
>HF: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat
>today."
etc..... and I will try one more...
A Russian soldier on a border outpost asked his commander one day for a
weekend pass. Of course the superior refused him for any number of reasons,
but especially for the fact that the soldier showed a blatant lack of
discipline and motivation.
The soldier asked, that if he did something really noteworthy and brave
would he be reconsidered for a weekend pass? Yes, the commander said if it
was really worthy of course.
The next morning at sun up, this soldier comes riding into camp driving an
enemy tank
with the Russian flag flying from it. Well, that was pretty impressive to
capture an enemy tank singlehandedly, so he did get his weekend pass!
The next week, this soldier went out at night and the next morning he was
driving an enemy tank with the Russian flag flying and pulling a captured
enemy field cannon! Well this was even more impressive, and of course he got
his weekend pass.
This went on for quite a few months and the soldier was gaining a lot of
recognition and was promoted twice for his ability to capture the enemy
ordnance.
But the commander was suspicious still, and told the soldier one day that he
would buy him a case of Vodka and keep silent if only he was told how on
earth he did what he did.
The soldier told him, "Well, I get into one of our tanks, and I drive around
all night until I meet one of their tanks, then I say to the guy inside
"Hey! How would you like a weekend pass?"