Kid's Puns o the Weak 05-11-04
Stan Kegel
What: THE 27th ANNUAL O HENRY PUN-OFF WORLD CHAMPIONSHIPS
When: MAY 15, 2004 - Noon - 5pm (SATURDAY!)
Where: Wooldridge Park, downtown Austin, TX (9th at Guadalupe)
Who: Friends of the O Henry Museum / Austin Parks & Recreation Dept.
Why: Jest for a wordy cause
Admission: Free!
Website: www.PunPunPun.com
HOLIDAY PUNS
Mexicans fill their basins with Hellmann's every May fifth, in celebration
of Cinco de Mayo. (Scott Ryan)
A friend of ours celebrated her birthday yesterday. I put a jar of
mayonnaise in my bar sink and took a picture of it. Then I printed up an
8x10 glossy of it and labeled it: "Happy Birthday, It's Your Special Day",
It took her a while but she eventually got it. (Karen Hamilton, 05-06-04)
Sunday is Mother¹s Day. It¹s the one occasion to make Mom drop what she¹s
doing and take her to lunch. Your laundry will wait until she gets back.
(Alan Ray)
"They're not gray hairs, dear. Those are Silver Badges for Motherly Valor."
(Family Circle: Jeff & Bill Keane)
JEST FOR KIDS THE RIDDLES
Why did the whale cross the road?
To get to the other tide (Jodie, 10)
Why did the robber take a bath?
So he could make a clean getaway. (Kid's Jokes)
What does the tooth fairy give for half a tooth?
Nothing. She wants the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth
(Daily Groaner)
Why won't clams lend you money?
Because they are shellfish (Stephanie, 7)
What did the boy say after his math teacher assigned four pages of homework.
Boy, do I have problems (Daily Groaner)
Why were screams coming from the kitchen?
The cook was beating the eggs. (Kid's Jokes)
Where did the dentist go on his vacation?
To the mouth of the Mississippi (Silas, 6)
Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker?
So he could have a balanced meal! (Kamon, 10)
Why did everyone buy the psychic clothes for her birthday?
Because they knew she was a medium. (Daily Groaner)
Why do people dislike going to the dentist?
Because he is boring. (Kid's Jokes)
What game do lambs like to play?
Hide and sheep (Che, 4)
What is a mouse's favorite game?
Hide and squeak! (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funny's Mini Jokes)
Why did the hunter stop hunting grizzly bears with a club?
The membership fees got too high. (Daily Groaner)
If fish lived on land, where would they live?
In Finland. (Linda, 11)
Did you hear the story about the smog?
You don't have to tell me, it's all over town. (Kid's Jokes)
What goes putt putt putt putt putt?
A bad golfer! (Farah, 10)
Where do trout sleep?
In riverbeds (Daily Groaner)
Where did the television go on its vacation?
To the Channel Islands (Hannah, 9)
How can you tell if a ghost is about to faint?
He gets pale as a sheet. (Kid's Jokes)
When is a door not a door?
When it is ajar. (Tyler, 9)
What do you need to open a door?
A closed door! (Ivonne, 13)
Why couldn't the amputee detective solve the case?
Because he was stumped. (Dr. Tormento)
Who do mice see when they are ill?
The Hickory Dickory Doc! (Betty Debnam: Mighty Funny's Mini-Jokes)
How do you sink a submarine?
Send a diver to knock on the back door! (Paul, 9)
Did you hear about the inventor of the door knocker?
He won a no bell prize (Daily Groaner)
Why did the projector blush?
It saw the filmstrip. (Daily Groaner)
What is the opposite of a somersault?
Winter-pepper (Pauline, 11)
When is a door not a door?
When it is ajar. (Tyler, 9)
What do cattle order in Italian restaurants?
Cow-zones! (Tyler, 11)
What has 6 eyes but can't see?
3 blind mice. (Daily Groaner)
What kind of meat doesn't stand up straight?
Lean meat. (Daily Groaner)
When is the best time to buy a budgie?
When they're going "cheep (Lauren, 8)
What do you get when you cross a vampire and a teacher?
A lot of blood tests (Daily Groaner)
What did the policeman say to his belly?
"You are under a vest." (Maya, 6)
How do chess players begin a game?
Once a pawn a time! (Mighty Funnies Mini Jokes: Betty Debman)
What did one fish say to another?
Keep your mouth shut and you won't get caught. (Isabelle, 4)
What was the witches' favorite class in school?
Spelling (Zack, 11)
Did you hear about the amoeba state prison?
It's so small that it has only one cell. (Daily Groaner)
How do you unlock a haunted house?
With a skeleton key! (Carlos, 10)
What did the earthquake say to the volcano?
It's not my fault (Daily Groaner)
Why did the boy stare at the radio in the cr?
He wanted to see car tunes. (Mark, 5)
What makes a chess player happy?
Taking a knight off. (Mighty Funnies Mini Jokes: Betty Debman)
What did the mother buffalo say when her boy went to school?
Bison (Eileen, 6)
JEST FOR KIDS - THE PUNS
On an especially busy day, the shipping clerk felt boxed in. (Pun of the
Day)
The owner thought he might even be an arch criminal. However, there's always
dignity in de feet. He went away and tried to play the shoe horn... but he
got only foot notes. He decided to become a used shoe salesman, because old
shoes can be re-soled. (Carol's Humor)
Those who play musical instruments for radio or TV have to stay tuned (Mike
Bull)
When the air conditioner goes out on a hot day, its hard to keep your cool.
(Jumble: Arnold & Argirlon)
Army doctors are involved in big military operations. (Mike Bull)
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm and says, 'Beer
please, and one for the road.' (Syman Hirsch)
Every calendar's days are numbered (Pun of the Day)
I think my vegetables are upset at the way I cooked them over boiling water.
They're really steamed. (Pam Dilbeck)
As Tarzan flew through the air he was truly de-vine (Pun of the Day)
They asked the tailor how it was going, and he replied, 'sew far, sew good'.
He had a measure of happiness and was well suited to his job. He also had
many problems to a dress. He could usually keep the thread of a
conversation. But his promises were pure fabrication. . (Mike Bull)
The human cannonball was late for work, and got fired. (Pun of the Day)
Some say the moon affects the tide. Others, the untied. Those who study the
moon are definitely optimists. They look on the bright side. One astronaut
made two trips to the moon and then wrote a paper about it. The paper was
double spaced. (Mike Bull)
An artist with the military kept drawing enemy fire. (Pun of the Day)
The police can do a search if it's warranted. (Renee From Napa)
Television sets in Britain have to cross the English Channel (Mike Bull)
A bust is made of famous people who were a head of their time. . (Pun of the
Day)
Hot-dog vendor's son: Frank (Archives)
Steam shovel operator's son: Doug (Archives)
Hair stylist's son: Bob (Archives)
Lawyer's daughter: Sue (Archives)
Lawyer's son: Will (Archives)
Thief's son: Rob (Archives)
PUNS IN THE COMICS
"I wish this actor would make more movies." "He can't" "Why not?" "He's six
feet under." "We can't all be tall." (Pearls Before Swine: Stephen Pastis)
Sign: Parking Validations: "I need validation." "No problem. You're a good
man and you'll be a success despite that stupid haircut and your wildly
outdated phone." "Parking Validation!" "You seem almost coordinated enough
to parallel park." (Rudy Park: Bell & Heir)
"How do you know they're carpenter ants?" "They show up unexpectedly, then
disappear for months." (Real Life Adventures: Wise & Aldrich)
Fashion critics are clothes-minded. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
"Are you up for a nice walk?" "Not really." "Oh, come on. Some fresh air and
exercise will feel good, not to mention that rush of endorphins." "I prefer
the rush of indoor-phines." (Grand Avenue: Steve Breen)
"Senator Belfry has always had it out for the media!" "He has a vende
tta?" "No, I think it's a Buick." (Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)
Pavlov's Dog The later Years: "I know it sounds crazy, but whenever I'm
hungry, I get a ringing in my ears. (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Photographer is questioning reporter ho is doing a story on his favorite
model who he secretly loves: "When you were with Sophia, did she say
anything about her lovelife? Did she say anything about me?" "Only that
you're a good photographer and she's waiting for her prints to come." (For
Better Or For Worse: Lynn Johnston)
What is reincarnation?
A second helping of evaporated milk (Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)
Humble Pie -- It's fat-head free. (Graffiti: Gene Mora)
A friend sees you through - even when he see through you. (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)
Guy holding a cup of coffee. Coughing sounds are coming from the cup.
Caption: Harvey learns how coffee got its name (Myke Ashley-Cooper)
Strawberry and Orange as soldiers in desert to radio operator Grape "We need
more men. Call up the preserves!" (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
The most precious part of being a child is that they don't show presidential
campaign ads on Nickelodeon. (Kit 'n' Carlyle: Larry Wright)
"I can remove that little growth with a local anesthetic." "That'll have to
do. There's no way my HMO will spring for the imported stuff." (Shoe:
Cassatt & Brookins)
Remember the good old days when you could afford everything you owned?
(Graffiti: Gene Mora)
Friar lying dead on copying easel. One friar to another: "Could I get some
tech support. My copier just died." (Myke Ashley-Cooper)
When a man's wound up, you can tell what ticks him off. (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)
"How was your job interview this week?" "They said they were looking for
someone enthusiastic" "I told them I loved work so much I'm always saving
it for tomorrow." (Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Man at party with only a tie on: "So, when you said 'black tie only', you
meant the whole suit?" (Working It Out: Charlos Gary)
"Do you think I'm in good shape, Lulu?" "Sure Jack, if you consider round a
good shape. (Flo & Friends: Gibel & Campbell)
The Bible tells us to study math. It says, "Go forth and multiply." `(Family
Circle: Jeff & Bill Keane)
"How was your job interview this week?" "They said they were looking for
somebody with initiative." "Hey, I'm always starting things I never finish!"
(Frank & Ernest: Bob Thaves)
Walk in your sleep - Get rest and exercise at the same time. (Graffiti: Gene
Mora)
Doctor: "I can remove that little growth with a local anesthetic." Patient:
"That will have to do. There's no way my HMO will spring for the imported
stuff. (Shoe: Cassatt & Brookins)
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Puns of the Weak" as the subject and the joke and your name and age as the
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