"Puns of the Weak" 11/24/00
Stan Kegel
“Puns of the Weak” for the week ending 11-24-00
I hate guys with foot fetishes. I'm lick toes intolerant. (Cynthia MacGregor)
Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: "The future of
the Jewish people is in your hands." (The Oy Vey)
People who prevaricate have very showy gardens. This is because gardens
do well when you tell them fertile lies. (Cynthia MacGregor)
I used to be a heavy gambler. But now I just make mental bets. That's
how I lost my mind. (Steve Allen)
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't
have paid for me. (Donna Eaker)
Show me a telephone operator and I’ll show you a call girl. (Henny Youngman)
There is controversy in Orange County over Disney’s decision to lease
space in the Disneyland addition to a group of monks for a showcase
monastery. The attraction will be called The Tourist Trappists. (Stan
Kegel)
When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing (George Jessel)
A horse may be forced to drink, but a pencil must be lead. (Stan Laurel)
Is that seat saved? No, but we're praying for it. (Renee from Napa)
“Dorothy's aunt sure has gained a lot of weight", Tom said emphatically.
(Pam Shorey)
"Go to 14th Street and turn left," said Tom, telepathically. (Lacey Smith)
A century ago women wore unmentionables; today they wear nothing to
speak of. (Mighty Cool Quote a Day)
See Dick get email.
See Dick get strange attachment.
See Dick run unknown attachment.
See Dick cry.
Don't be a Dick.
(Dave Gawlik)
When he sought a home site, he ended up with a “lot” on his mind. (Jumble)
"Are you lying?" "That's for you to find doubt." (David Reihmer)
The Coast Guard received a mayday message: "Help! We're in the
water!""Capsize?" the radio operator asked. After a long silence, the
voice answered, "Six and seven-eighths. Why?" (Tina Gunther)
Why do bartenders dislike serving giraffes? Because a giraffe makes one
drink go a long way. (Stan Kegel)
He remembered her walking off into the cold winter fog. God, how he mist
her. (Dan Kahn)
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak? (Steven Wright)
My wife gave me a haircut this morning. Now, she's going to make
Thanksgiving Day dinner with all the trimmings. (David Reihmer)
What would you call a movie about a revival in wicker furniture? Back to
Rattan (Scott Ryan)
Little Prague babies
Start as a romantic game
Ending in Czech mate
(Guy Ben-Moshe)
Sales of Viagra are reported to be on the rise. (The International Save
the Pun Foundation)
An author who wrote from his basement had a best cellar (Pun of the Day)
An orthodontist and his patient need a retainer. (Jumble)
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it. (Richard Lederer)
Why was the train station called Fishhook? Because it was at the end of
the line. (James D. Ertner)
I get my kicks on 8.12403840463596036045988356826604 (Jeremy Main)
Boston chefs who were rivals competed for the city's Finest Fish Recipe
Their talents were equal, and their culinary training was similar. It
was a close call until one chef covered his entry with a
tarragon-and-dill glaze. He won the title. "Alas, said the other chef.
"There but for the glaze of cod go I." (Merlyn Baby)
Centimeter: A parking meter that takes pennies. (Leo Rosten)
When the English romantic poet's girlfriend got pregnant with twins, he
wanted her to have an abortion, but she refused and wouldn't budgie.
Eventually they had a pair-o-Keats. (Gary Skau)
During the recent floods in the UK, a newscaster gave the following
statement. "From Shrewsbury down to Gloucester, the River Severn is
under water" (Christopher Knox)
After eating his entree at the mess hall the soldier went AWOL to binge
on chocolate eclairs. He was charged for being a desserter. (Keith Martin)
A group of guys from my husband's office were playing some football.
They let my 10 year old daughter, Caitlin, play. She very proudly came
home and told me she caught an "intersection". (Debbie Kegel)
"Someone poured a box of JELLO into our gas tank," Tom said
evangellically. (Stan Kegel)
Streakers beware : Your end is in sight! (Bruce H. G. Calder)
I'm suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. I go to the mall and forget
where I parked my car. (Hershy)
"Rod sure is a spoiled little child," Tom said sparingly. (Kegel
Archives)
Two cans of paint got married. Not too long thereafter, the bride
whispered ecstatically to her groom, "Darling, I think I'm pigment."
(Bennett Cerf)
She leads a conventional life. She shows up at all the conventions.
(Henny Youngman)
Roland "Roe" Gold, the former New York baseball player retired and
decided to run for public office. After several hand recounts and legal
challenges, you should have seen Met, Roe Gold win mayor. (Keith Martin)
Psychologist: A person who pulls habits out of a rat. (Richard Lederer)
What happens when a paranoid person has low self-esteem? He thinks that
nobody important is out to get him. (Lee Daniel Quinn)
If the kid from Andy Griffith was adopted by the Aunt from the Wizard of
Oz, he'd be Opie Em. (David Reihmer)
I love boxing. Where else do two grown men prance around in satin
underwear, fighting over a belt? The one who wins gets a purse. They do
it in gloves. It's the accessory connection I love. (John McGovern)
Two people are so tired of drought conditions that they begin to
hallucinate rainstorms and begin to make a nuisance of themselves by
telling everyone that a lot of rain is on the way. What psychiatric
condition properly describes this situation. Delugeinal Pair Annoy Ya
(Gary Hallock)
Photographers are often very candid people (Pun of the Day)
When the glassblower accidently inhaled, he ended up with a pane in his
stomach. (Richard Lederer)
The surf is very big today, it's truly surfers' whim. (Keith Martin)
Mar. 26, 1970 the first bank without tellers opened. it was for people
who believe money talks. (Bob Weaver)
Did you hear about the Loudspeaker manufacturer was told to shut up
shop? (Dave Coble)
If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few
people die past the age of a hundred. (George Burns)
Some people are wise, and some, otherwise. (Phylbert)
A flower shop displayed a variety of chrysanthemums available in either
large or small pots. Those in large pots were advertised as "Maxi-mums,"
and the small ones "Mini-mums." (Cy Shimamoto)
"Hey Saddam! This is a no-fly zone," said Uncle Sam with an air of
superiority (Gary Hallock)
I once worked in a false teeth factory too! I was a draftsman, and my
job was to draw bridges. (Robert E. Lewis)
A barbershop in our neighborhood charges $50.00 for a haircut; it's
really a clip joint. (Harvey Gordon)
I once worked in dentist’s office. I was assigned to pull all the big
teeth, molar less. (Glenn Gardner)
"I think all those feminists should be forced to work as housewives,"
said Tom deliberately. (Gil Krebs)
Mummies: Egyptians who were pressed for time (Evan Evar)
Pregnant fish bore twins Not so unusual but This was tuna roe (The
International Save the Pun Foundation)
A guy with money to burn may well find a girl who wants to play with
fire. (Pun of the Day)
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
there is nothing in it. (Very Punny)
The junkman kept his inventory in a “scrap” book. (Jumble)
How are men like high heels? They are easy to walk on once you get the
hang of it. (Daily Groaner)
An igloo is an icycle built for two. (Richard Lederer)
This supernatural film is a documentary about the life of the guy inside
the San Diego Chicken costume, “ Poultryguised” (Gary Hallock)
Carnations are not really countries inhabited by autos. (Cynthia MacGregor)
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I
looked into the soul of the boy next to me. (Woody Allen)
Bull: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked
during the last quarter. (Clean Laughs)
In 1658, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean. This was known as Pilgrims
Progress (J. S.).
I admire the way she spends. She's a real credit to her card. (Gunjan Saraf)
To improve the breed, some tropical countires are passing around the
best of the draft animals for breeding. It's hoped to spread the good
gnus. (Dave W. P.)
How did the judge find out about the rotten milk? There was an odor in
the quart. (Erica)
"As God is my witness...as God is my witness they're not going to lick
me. I'm going to live through this and when it's all over I'll never be
hungry again. No, nor any of my folks. If I have lie, steal, cheat, or
kill. As God is my witness, I'll never be hungry again." Tom said
vivienly. (Tiff Wimberly)
Spring: The season of balls, base, tennis, charity and moth (L. L. Levinson)
Why should you keep your eye off the turkey dressing? Because it makes
him blush! (Catherine Shoemaker)
What's served and never eaten? A tennis ball (The Daily Dose)
Milk as the udder alternative has been heifer a long time. (Pun of the Day)
Harassment of overwieght people is still widely used (The Pun Page)
The thief liked his eggs poached. (Jumble)
Bumper sticker: I owe, I owe, so off to work I go. (Richard Lederer)
I thought about joining up with an oriental band as a Seoul singer but
realized that would be a bad Korea move. (Gary Hallock)
Swallow a little yeast when you go to bed at night and you'll rise
easily in the morning (Cynthia MacGregor)
Where do baby birds put their money? In the stork market. (James D. Ertner)
Good girls are born but girls like her are made. (Henny Youngman)
Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on thee and I'll forgive thy great big
joke on me. (Robert Frost)
Most of the time, people get what’s coming to them, unless it’s mailed.
(Milton Berle)
The man who invented sandpaper had a rough time (Louis Phillips)
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. (Peter Bergt)
Keepsake: Have a supply of Japanese rice wine on hand. (Brandy Brandon)
Truth in advertising laws have taken the wind out of a lot of people's
sales. (Richard Lederer)
What film tells the story of a guy who orders a bunch of stuff over the
internet but receives only photographs rather than merchandise? Prints
Of E-Gypped (Gary Hallock)
If you live near an apiary, your flowers will benefit from the pollen
nation. (Cynthia MacGregor)
How did the fish keep missing the fisherman’s net? He was the sole
survivor. (James D. Ertner)
I wanted to start a magazine dedicated to the work of poet e. e.
cummings but the project was undercapitalized. (Rick Slevin)
When I finished school, I took one of those career aptitude tests, and
based on my verbal ability score, they suggested I become a mime. (Tim Cavanagh)
If you asked me why I married a sadist, I'd say, "Beats me."(David Reihmer)
Genetic engineers are introducing new DNA from other species into
throughbreds until the animals are 75% non-horse, and then the new
animals are quarter-horses. (Robert E. Lewis)
What is the best thing to take before singing? A deep breath (Susie Mundy)
Dead Ringer: A broken telephone. (Lorraine Bellis)
A detective who went to investigate a burned down post office figured
that it must be blackmail. (Pun of the Day)
The reason angels can fly is that they take themselves very lightly.
(See Kay Chesterton)
To avoid being accused of sexual harassment, never end a sentence with a
proposition. (Roland Graves)
Is an Italian monarch on his country's currency King Lira? (Jonathan Delaney)
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? If your
father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy! (Daily Dose)
A new restaurant, owned by two lawyers, one Japanese and the other
Jewish, opened up last week in Orange County. It's called So-Sue-Me.
(Lee Daniel Quinn)
The Devil has been having so much trouble selling sins that he is
renting his back stock at quantity discounts. However, I think I will
only take a couple, because I want to be the lessor of two evils.
(Chris Owens )
A soldier who stuffed himself with ice cream was a desserte (Pun of the Day)
The beauticians ended their quarrel by making up. (Jumble)
“Fallen Underwear” by Lucy Lastic (Neil Enns)
Communist Plot: Lenin's tomb (Lee Daniel Quinn)
A fool and his money are soon partying (E4Fun)
A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally. (Lillian Day)
Pollytheist: Someone who believes parrots are Gods. (Robert E. Lewis)
What happens when you fall in love with an elevator operator? He lets
you down. (Paul Benoit)
I opened a veterinary clinic next door to a dentist's office. Afterward
I received a card from my neighbor signed, "From someone who treats
canines to another." (GCFL)
Detectives like to have a brief case (Pun of the Day)
Hauke Reddmann
>
> I hate guys with foot fetishes. I'm lick toes intolerant. (Cynthia MacGregor)
>
--
Hauke Reddmann <:-EX8 BRANDNEW,IMPROVED SIG!
Send all spam to bug...@thee.off
Send all personal e-mail to fc3...@math.uni-hamburg.de
Send all e-mail for our chemistry workgroup to fc3...@uni-hamburg.de
Stan Kegel
> Stan Kegel wrote:
> > I hate guys with foot fetishes. I'm lick toes intolerant. (Cynthia MacGregor)
I'm lack toast intolerant.
But I must have my bread toasted lightly.
I'm black toast intolerant.
suzilem
"Stan Kegel" <ke...@fea.net> wrote in message
news:3A1FECD5...@fea.net...
> Hauke Reddmann wrote:
> > Stan Kegel wrote:
MacGregor)
> I'm a nervous wreck if I don't get my morning toast.
> I'm lack toast intolerant.
> But I must have my bread toasted lightly.
> I'm black toast intolerant.
I really hate living away from the seashore.
I'm lack coast intolerant
Glenn Gardner
>
> "Stan Kegel" <ke...@fea.net> wrote in message
> news:3A1FECD5...@fea.net...
> > Hauke Reddmann wrote:
> > > Stan Kegel wrote:
> MacGregor)
> > I'm a nervous wreck if I don't get my morning toast.
> > I'm lack toast intolerant.
> > But I must have my bread toasted lightly.
> > I'm black toast intolerant.
>
> I really hate living away from the seashore.
> I'm lack coast intolerant
My friend likes eating roasted termites. They have short legs. As for
me, I , mmmmm, like toasting taller ants. (GG)
denaldo
>
> "Stan Kegel" <ke...@fea.net> wrote in message
> news:3A1FECD5...@fea.net...
> > Hauke Reddmann wrote:
> > > Stan Kegel wrote:
> MacGregor)
> > I'm a nervous wreck if I don't get my morning toast.
> > I'm lack toast intolerant.
> > But I must have my bread toasted lightly.
> > I'm black toast intolerant.
>
> I really hate living away from the seashore.
> I'm lack coast intolerant
I only use Alta Vista or HotBot.
I'm Lykos intolerant.
--
Denaldo aka Dennis M. Dillow ddi...@flash.net
http://home.flash.net/~ddillo/dmdpage.html
"Onward, through the fog." Oat Willie
Cybe R. Wizard
<ddi...@flash.net> offered:
>suzilem wrote:
>>
>> "Stan Kegel" <ke...@fea.net> wrote in message
>> news:3A1FECD5...@fea.net...
>> > Hauke Reddmann wrote:
>> > > Stan Kegel wrote:
>> > > > I hate guys with foot fetishes. I'm lick toes intolerant. (Cynthia
>> MacGregor)
>> > > Even worse - amputee fetish. I'm lack toes intolerant.
>> > I'm a nervous wreck if I don't get my morning toast.
>> > I'm lack toast intolerant.
>> > But I must have my bread toasted lightly.
>> > I'm black toast intolerant.
>>
>> I really hate living away from the seashore.
>> I'm lack coast intolerant
>
>I only use Alta Vista or HotBot.
>I'm Lykos intolerant.
All these good puns piss me off. I'm like those intolerant.
Cybe R. Wizard
--
cyberwizard
@
cyberwizardstower.com
karls
I'm "Like-those intolerant"...
Sorry, couldn't help myself.
Cybe R. Wizard
<ka...@televar.com> offered:
>You're the lucky one, I can't abide being compared with other people.
>
>I'm "Like-those intolerant"...
>
>Sorry, couldn't help myself.
I don't know about that, your pun was almost exactly like mine.
Sorry, no one else could help you, either.